i don't know what it is about that 

mess of emotions 

tear me apart television show. it makes me feel depressed, not depressed

but it's like this pulling feeling in my gut 

anxious, longing

and i'm not sure why

i'm not sure if it's good for me.

probably not. it makes me feel so much. 

maybe it's because i know the music so well.

i need to read art history. maybe make some tea.

dim the lights 

engage my brain in reality and things that actually happened.

oh Botticelli, Masaccio, Giovanni Bellini and Gentile Bellini.

Brunelleschi and DaVinci

it is most definitely the music. i just need some pump up music. i'm thinking

_ on Friday

New City on Sunday

this Aqualung music..

sometimes i want walls of speakers. so that there is virtually no atmosphere to get in the way of the music. i want the sounds to be so thick and dense that my feet can't even touch the ground.  that i am most definitely living within the music. 

sometimes the last thing you want comes in first

sometimes the first thing you want never comes and i know

the waiting is all you can do.

i'm tired of feeling this way

it happens everyday on the train, i can't pass a platform without staring at the people

wondering if i'll see your face. i anticipate what i would feel if i were to see your face, bump into you on campus, 

i think a lot. 

i think about you and then i think about Daniel. and how sad it makes me that he isn't here.

school is a band-aid

i have so many pieces missing from this bridge that supports me. i want to go crazy

do crazy things

dance all night

smoke my brains to bits 

for this i am sorry

very sorry

i want to see people in the flesh. 

when Ryan left to go back to Chino, he went to Seth's room to say goodbye and Seth was listening to his headphones. he didn't budge when Ryan said see ya

and he was resentful

and it made me feel so bad

because i was that. i am that. that is exactly how i deal with people leaving. it was exactly how i reacted the night before Daniel left. 

for this i am sorry

very sorry

some nights i just feel it all. i get through it, of course. it's just sad for a few hours or until i fall asleep..

i don't want to be an only child. i don't want to be spoiled like an only child, i just want to see my brother everyday and tell him what's going on

i feel so stupid when i constantly leave him skype messages asking if he's there and hardly ever getting a response. i couldn't read his Christmas card. i opened it, looked at it and closed it immediately. i didn't want my parents to think i didn't care because i did

i just know everything makes me cry and i didnt want to, then.

why do i feel like i'm grasping at strings attached to people who don't exist to me right now

like Pablo who i wish would talk to me and think about me more

he hasn't called in awhile and i know i haven't either but he knows how much

i love him. and i know how much he doesn't like saying he loves me too.

i remember when i was small and we would be at my aunt's house late and i'd start complaining and crying and my parents would say,

it's because she's tired.

maybe i'm still small and need to be carried when upset

and exhausted. 

i'm exhausted. i am exhausted

and for this i am sorry

very sorry

hallo hallo hallo

stop, its too late, i'm feeling frustrated.

no i don't really but that's what i sang in my car on my way home tonight.

it's fun looking up my name in Urban Dictionary. here is my definition:

1.slang for the drug crystal-meth.

2.A skank ho who likes to listen to Justin Timberlake for ridiculously long periods of time at ungodly hours, and wants to be the Hot Asian Chick on the UrbanDictionary homepage.

3. A deity; the best person to be in your corner; unlimited power and potential; a muse; someone that can change your life. Someone that takes your side even when you're wrong; soulmate; kismet; fortuitous; serendipity

4. Named for the main character in Phantom of the Opera... but she is so much cooler than any soprano!!! 

5.A demonicly posessed 1958 Plymouth Fury (from the Stephen King novel of the same title) that tries to help it's original owner return from death by bewitching a teen-aged outcast into becoming the host as well as killing all of his enemies and anyone else who attempts to interfere with "her" plans.

i am totally cool. i'm going to go eat something, watch The OC, read some art history, and then watch some SKINS yeahhhh

Skins is a sweet British show, the first season finished downloading today.

paycee bitcheees

i was in the studio until 6 something

i went to Second Cup where an ex boyfriends ex girlfriend was with Mitch.

i sat with red head Olivia and laughed about being cats on K

i went home around 8 30 

watched The OC, ate pizza and cried.

The OC has my entire heart

don't worry about mine, imma grind 'til i get it.

you don't wanna fuck with a soldier, use your head or i'll take it off your shoulder

mail it to your mom with a dozen of roses.

now that's fucked up.

i'm a g and you don't gotta know the alphabet to see

i know my whole city, it depends on me

and i forget a lot of shit but i cannot forget the streets.

was a decent day. burned myself several times with the hot glue gun, sliced my thumb with the xacto knife. ate red pepper and tomato soup.

drove people mad with my music ADD. 

man, i am desperate for a fling. i wouldn't say its driving me insane.

no, not insane. would be nice, though.

i've had opportunities

but i feel like i need to move forward,

the last thing i need is to go back to someone from my past where i can't learn anything from them.

perhaps if i start hanging out at New City more often, i can pick up one of them hipster's. haha

blonde Olivia would be proud and probably jealous because we both like to entertain the thought of a nice hipster boy. and how poser we could be with them :)

hahaha i'm in a giddy mood.  Lil Wayne has a sexy voice, especially in the song Lollipop. wOW.

wow, Muse just played on shuffle. there is so much i need to start listening to on my pod but i have too much that i can't even think about it all.

on days like today, i love my hair. i wore comfortable clothes today and i like to think i looked good. i tend to have higher confidence in myself when i'm grunged out. when i'm dressed up i feel not myself and like a big loser. i'm going to start clubbing in grunge. 

i like to wave my arms and stomp my feet and close my eyes.  how do some people not get it? how do some people not get so into sounds that they lose balance but not care because the lack of balance only makes their movement more fluid?

it's the best feeling in the world

and the best part is, you can take and take and you don't have to compromise. the beats are there for your body to take and interpret and it wants to be used.

i like using what wants to be used. things happen in those moments. magical things. God happens in those moments and he don't care if i'm high on kush. high on the lights high on the heat and the hat that he likes to wear. 

today my creative energies were positive and on a roll, as i was able to come up with an excess of ideas. the key, i suppose, is to think 

what would absolutely blow my mind right now? if the walls were talking to me? if i was climbing onto the ceiling? if the wall became a storybook i could walk into? if flowers were black? if the floor became like different levels of giant lego blocks i could only hop and skip from one to the other?

anything is really possible. thinking about Alice and Wonderland always gets me on a roll. i can find a piece of reality within anything abstract

i guarantee it. 

everything looks like something. and that everything was once nothing. 

a nice glass of iced tea would be perfection right now, i think.

so today was pretty interesting

being a girl sucks today

as i was experiencing painful cramps

i decided to give Mary Jane the miracle drug a chance to fix me up

maybe i went over the line, however, because i got up to microwave my heat pack and the scary thing happened.

like 2 other times in my life, i blacked out

its a bunch of awfulness that i'm starting to think is because of blood loss. the THC did not help at all, for once.

hmm i'm watching the Grammy's and i beam with happiness as i watch Coldplay being successful despite pathetic plagiarism accusations. i can't wait for Lil Wayne and Radiohead and Justin Timberlake. i could do without Katy Perry though.

fuck today was nuts though. i hate that. i get hot and cold and clammy and i have a head rush for like 10 minutes so i can't see anything and there's different variations of ringing in my ears for a long time so everything seems surreal i can't see or hear properly and i can hardly move. it's the ickiest feeling in the world.

i hate Kanye West's hair

i just finished watching Center Stage. 

i think i've been having performance withdrawal lately.. with all this going out to clubs. i miss that "having to go pee" feeling before going on stage in front of people. and the good luck rituals

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zap!

i texted Leigha i was feeling sad after watching Center Stage. you know, sometimes i don't even consider myself a dancer. it seems like something i didn't even do. and i think i feel that way because i found a replacement. i became interested in different things that i thought were more interesting. 

i wish i could remember steps and their names, i'm sure it would all come back if i tried. it's only been 2 years. it feels like forever. i wasn't one of the top dancers or anything, but i really enjoyed it when i got it.

i'm too curvy and not flexible enough to be a dancer and pointe shoes kicked my ass week after week but it felt so good to tie those shiny ribbons and i even had some pride in those blisters. and i felt so confident when i was finally able to master a certain tap step that seemed completely impossible. most of the time i couldn't believe one pair of feet could create such awesome music and rhythm and Miss Debbie scared me to death but she pushed us like crazy and she is a brilliant choreographer and teacher. 

i showed Hannah some pictures from when i was in dance and she said 

"it used to be the dance studio, now it's the art studio"

i wanna dance again, and not just in clubs

i miss complaining about it all.

i feel so useless sometimes. i need to set myself physical goals. i feel so unhealthy. why can't this drug do the opposite. why can't i just stop using it. 

ha

it's my lifestyle and maybe this feeling of having had something special but no longer having it will happen again

i am forever changing, i was once a ballerina tap dancer teenybopper who couldn't cut her hair because then it wouldn't fit in a bun.

i am an visual artist and i can't get enough of it

some people may say i'm close minded or cynical but i move in my own way

and i am a cynic i can be negative and i am beyond lazy

i want to be that artist that is arrogant and cynical and maybe doesn't wanna check out 

absolutely everything because i don't feel like it

new things for me take time. i don't look up the music you tell me to look up because it wouldn't make sense to me, 

i don't like a lot of things i experience for the first time. i hated Coldplay and Oasis.

i now love Coldplay and Oasis. perhaps i know what to expect

it could be it. 

what i can expect for always,

is that i will never ever ever ever stop expressing myself no matter the medium, whether it be my body, photographs, film, writing, or charcoal

i can count on that and so can you

i abuse things.

i never spread myself around thinly. i focus everything i've got into one thing and everything else becomes useless to me.

i always know the people in my life aren't a constant, i know when i'm having too much fun with a certain person they will soon annoy me and i won't enjoy their company so much anymore.

i can certainly say i do not have a best friend, besides my brother.. except we haven't talked in weeks and he is related to me.

i don't have a best friend. and i'm pretty sure i'm totally fine with that. in these recent months i have found too many similarites between relationships and friendships. 

i'm bored of this topic. i don't feel like writing now. i know what i feel like doing.

if you know me at all, you know too. 

last night was the best.

the Brohans and whoever the heck else was spinning up there were fucking good. an New City is an awesome club with a floorplan that is brilliant. it's got a lot of space, and it's just comfortable. 

i got so into the dance mood 

and my knees hurt but continued anyways 'cause i never wanna leave the dancefloor. 

it just pisses me off, here it comes, when people on the dancefloor talk. let me rephrase that: i hate when people on the dancefloor talk when the music is begging you for your body. there i am fucking lost in my own world and the people around me are talking about some guy behind over there and that guy in the white hat and what she did and this happened and i don't even know what because i couldn't hear but it was fucking annoying. a dancefloor is for dancing. don't talk.

as time went on i got more and more into the music and just didn't care anymore. that's the best dancing, when it's just natural and you're not forcing it. last weekend, me and Leigha totally were not feeling it and dancing felt like a chore.

and that is definitely something you want to avoid.

to dance

is the best advice anyone can give you

hello world.

i was in the studio until 8 tonight, again.

at least i accomplished a lot.

busy weekend and i am anxious for tomorrow for two different events occuring one after the other.

after that night's rest i will be anxious free as i pitch a tent in the studio.

pitch a tent with Bert. no one wants Bert, forget about sleeping with him.

Bert is a cockroach. He is the studio's pet who we keep in a container with a clear lid.

 

i am halfway through the book A Driftless Area by Tom Drury. i am on a role with this whole reading business. i think it takes me the completion of a novel to pick up my spirits, as i realize it is possible for me to read an entire book, in order to continue a reading routine.  i'm excited to plan my next book.

why the heck am i even on facebook. i have it open and everytime i swtich to that window, i just end up scrolling up and down what the heck is that.

i am so sleepy. i'm allowing myself to sleep in a little bit tomorrow because i plan on being in the studio for 48 hours this weekend. 

well well well , Le Tigre.

mm warm bed around bed time and knowing my eyes will fall into slumber anytime into a dream and dreams in comfortable sleeping positions and it feel s like your sinking into the depths of your bed for days the bowels of your bed like the bowels of the earth found in Chauvet Cave. or that other word i can't think of. you know what i'm talking about though, those primitive beings . ending start, finish line. where i end and you begin, end of days -- does this mean the everlasting reign of nights? what if that what it meant. night with no day is life with no god. i did not capitalize i because my god is God, when i say god with a small g it suddenly becomes any kind of god whether or not its a religion or yoga.

everlasting reign of night..

i like how it sounds, as i, myself, am nocturnal

only thriving the moment i can't see outside my window clearly. i can't see clearly now.

but i am with you because perhaps this song says so. 

cambi tutti i giorni e resti sempre la stessa

you change every day and you'll always remain the same

a te che io ti ho visto piangere nella mia mano,

fragile che potevo ucciderti

i saw you crying in my hand, worried that i can kill you

a te io canto una cansone perche` non ho altro,

niente di meglio di offrirti, di tutto quello che ho

prendi il mio tempo la magia che con un solo salto

ci fa volare dentro l'aria, come bol

to you i sing a song because i have nothing else,

nothing to give you of everything i have

i am dead

in heaven with Lorenzo Jovanotti whom i love whom wrote this song whom you should download and listen to

i looked back in my blog, i precisely finished reading Scar Tissue on December 27th, 2007

this morning i finished reading Ham on Rye on the LRT. this is very significant because it is almost impossible for me to finish an entire novel, as i usually stop halfway through when things get good (which doesn't make much sense, but nothing i do really does).  in fact, i think the last book i completely finished reading was Scar Tissue which was a year ago.

wait, i lied. i actually managed to finish about 3 novels when I was in Italy this summer, one of them being the Book of Longing by Leonard Cohen, which is a book of poetry.. i have some favorites still written down in my journal.

anyways, i haven't really been elaborately writing about my days 

and automatically i want to say it's because i'm so busy

which i am

but i seem to accomplish nothing with every day that passes.

i have a lot on my plate

3 studio courses

and in each, i have past projects to touch up on, and future projects to think and brainstorm about

plus my Video projects

plus Greg's business card designs

plus Breanna's photoshoot this weekend

plus my new job

plus going out.

well after this weekend i will not be going out until Shout Out Out Out Out's new album release at the end of February. which i still have to get tickets for... tomorrow at break i will. 

the plan this Friday is New City with Leigha, blonde Olivia, Tyler and Betty. it should be a good time at a club i've never been to before. with a Greek God i love to lay my eyes on..

i figure if i put too much on my plate, i'll be excited to be busy and i'll have to tackle everything.

it's a lot, but i want to do it all

but first, what to wear..

also, visit this website  http://www.newser.com/story/30900/dubai-high-rise-would-add-novel-twists.html

it will most definitely blow your mind.

welcome to Minority Report, folks.

i am so into The OC

most of the time i'm scared of watching it because it makes me sad

how pathetic can you be to be so into a television show the way i am so into The OC

anyways, this weekend was pretty crazy, they seem to be going by really fast now that i am not necessarily a hermit.

i'm watching The OC right now as i type. it makes me laugh in a way that makes me feel like their family is my family. Marissa called Ryan her boyfriend.

i'll stop talking about The OC and the love i have for it.

friday night.. oh yeah friday i was in the studio most of the day, at 5 i went to work where i sat next to Breanna and it's probably a good idea that we --

hahaha Ryan: sometimes i think you talk just to make sounds

Seth: well sometimes i do

--don't sit next to each other because it's a whole giggle fest when we're in the same room together. it went alright, i guess, but when it came time for me to put on that headset

i almost broke out in hives

talking to people on the phone does that to me.

the plan for friday night was to pick up Jamiee and go to Olivia's until midnight (for the sake of her beauty sleep ha) but God decided to stir the atmosphere with heavy winds so i didn't go. i was just scared to drive home. 

Saturday morning i went to the dentist, my dentist whose name is Yousif Chabaan is a pretty good looking guy, by the way. well the outcome of that is that my third unbothersome wisdom tooth needs to be extracted from my jaw. 

getting my other two taken out didn't bother me, it's just a pain having to go through the stress of waiting in the waiting room of the dentist office that i hate more than the extraction of a tooth. 

Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung, very very good song.

Saturday night i went to Leigha's where the usual happened, and then we went out to Vinyl for Samantha's 20th birthday which ended up being awkward as hell. we didn't know half the people and just that entire group is a lot different than how me and Leigha have turned out.. 

but Steve was there who i haven't seen since grade ten! he also didn't know a whole lot of people so we hung out with him.

to add onto that, me and Leigha discovered the tastiest alcoholic drink !  it's called a Smartie, and it tastes exactly like a smartie and nothing like alcohol!

The OC has such distinctive music. 

so anyways, it was lame. so we left around 11 30 and just hit the bong until pretty late. we were so dead and bored and stoned there was nothing to do we eventually just fell asleep to the music playing live at Diesel Lounge on the radio. 

Lauren showed up around 3 in the morning talking loudly on the phone and then Leigha woke up and i think everyone finally got settled around 6 in the morning hahaha

in the morning, they left at 9 to go to Mitchell's soccer game and i had to work at noon so i slept in longer and then woke up, cleaned the apartment a bit and went to work.

i was super nervous, but once i got there, there was only one other girl who had said last Sunday no one had showed up either, so after half an hour of facebooking at work, we just left. 

and i'm pretty sure i'm getting paid for 4 hours of work today haha. how marvelous working for the University is.

i love Benjamin Mackenzie

and Adam Brody

but Benjamin is one of my favorite names, so...

ALSO, when i was out for a smoke at Vinyl i ran into a guy named Daniel who i had danced with at a wedding in Saskatoon in August. how cool!

i just got home. 

in drawing, we went to the old arts building to do a value perspective drawing 

and remembering my near breakdown last semester when doing the drawing of the old arts building, i was really stressed.

but it went very unusually well. i knew how to deal with things and i just went for it. i honestly can't wait to work on it some more.

after drawing class, me Matt and Hannah stayed in the studio to work on some projects. it was a lot of fun and we got lots done so i couldn't be happier.

i'm really happy i met the people i have met so far in University. they are really cool and i've learned so much from them.

God must really love me

i'm gonna go take a bubble bath and then watch a movie because tonight is my Friday night :)

i think my favorite stretch to do is to lay on my back and roll back until all my weight is on my shoulders and my feet are on the floor above my head.

it's so relaxing and it stretches my legs so gooooood

sometimes i really miss dance

and the atmosphere 

especially every week at stretch class, it was a whole lot of fun. good music, good stretches. so tiring though

i remember after ballet class and tap class and stretch i was drenched everytime

it must have been good for me. i wonder what drastic changes my body has gone through just because it's been 2 years since i've had rigorous exercise like that. i need to get back into some sort of exercise

i just have no time

during Christmas break i did yoga a few times a week 

i'm not a member at Clubfit anymore, unfortunately. it would be weird, i only went there with my brother and i've never gone there by myself.

Gyms scare me.

I could paint a picture with a pen
But a song will only scratch the skin
And there are still places I haven't been
Because I know what's in there is already in the air

There's a storm on the way, uh huh
And it's comin' no matter what I say

Hey, hey, hey, there's truth in the thunder
Love in the lightning, the feeling is frightening
Yeah, isn't it exciting?
I'm something like stormy weather
If I weren't we would never
Huddle together, do I have to tell you
That I'm also the sunlight, that shines shortly after?
I just rain cause I have to, on to another chapter
I wish you lots of laughter
Til the next time you see me
Just remember you need me, I'm the storm coming

Run towards the hills to avoid the high flood
I can do a dance that'll make the sky cry blood
Skills provoke, and seals will be broken open
All that's left to do is try my love, wooooooh

When I sing it's a cyclone
I'm writing a raging sea
Searching for a sign of life
Is it safe to say it's me?
Listen to our lives
The wind will whisper the way it is
I am going to happen, what a lovely day it is
Don't ask why
Just live, and, die

------------

i am going crazy i wanna go crazy

i have so much energy and i just put to use half of it

dancing around to my beats beats beats

 going to Leigha's on Saturday with Joe perhaps. then we're going to Vinyl for Sam's birthday

i just wanna get down get down

and move it all around

haha

i texted blonde Olivia during art history,

"i shall i shall.. we'll see"

blonde Olivia replied with,

"don't see, just do it."

should i?  this makes me so uneasy. i don't even feel good enough about myself to put myself out there again.

holy cow my heart is pounding.  he wants to do something this weekend. i'm not sure why i feel so anxious and nervous, i've known him since grade ten. 

holy cow i may break out in hives

this is how it went. i said i was attracted to him, he said he's attracted to me. i asked what we were gonna do about it

and then we should do something this weekend. i asked what

and he said Bar?

he never initiates anything

he never initiated anything.

i'm starting to think maybe i liked it better when he didn't initiate anything, ever. is that weird? i was planning on completing this post two sentences ago but i can't seem to stop.

i need to not stress. wait, i do need to stress. stress keeps me on my toes 

--why the heck am i making this sound like my grade ten journal.

ahem, so i like the stuff we discuss in art history because we're learning all about the Florentine and Italians and it's cool to learn all about my ancestors and the awesome-ness that they are. 

seriously though,

where would the world be without Italians? without the Romans? i hate to sound like a conceited Italian, even though i really don't hate it, but the Romans achieved a lot of stuff even though most of it was stolen from other cultures, we brought it all together and established a lot of the things that our modern world runs on today.

anyways, now i feel like i'm just writing for the sake of words. i feel somewhat better

but i think it's because i know on some level i may be so swamped in work this weekend that i may not be able to go to the bar with Joseluis (also known as Joe ha)

but i will most definitely be at red-head Olivia's friday night after work. K-less, unfortunately. 

Jim Jarmusch is an American indie film director.  

2 superb dance songs are 1) Beautiful by Ferry Corsten and 2) Traffic by Tiesto

i may write later.

but i may not.

i got home today and i painted my homework assignments.

i watched Friends and a biography on Sean Penn whilst working.

i just took a few hits and i feel like writing i have limited time though

i forgot my laptop cord at school.

i

m not sure what's going on with Joe

i asked him 

what was up

he said

missing you

of course i know him better than that and he's probably just saying that because he is oh

such a smooth talker

i pretend to believe him after i say he's lying 

then he says i'm cute and missable

when he says stuff like that it's a gem.

i've learned you have to accept the fact that he thought of just saying something like that

even if it isn't true.  hahaha

oh, grade eleven. 

oh grade eleven.

the difference from then and now is that i'm not scared

i act almost immediately on my feelings 

i am once again a reckless romantic

even after i've been hit with all the downfalls.

well i'm gonna go get with something much tastier, and much more loyal

goodnight, i'm listening to Ani di Franco

aaaaahalright

i am so about to fall into the deepest slumber of the entire universe

if i can prove that that these two lifestyles can work together where it's crazy

in two different ways

one is happy crazy the other is stressed crazy

that could be would be perfection.  

the liquid from my entire face has been drained

fall int oslumber

clean things get so dirty is something was dirty you wouldn't realize a thing

iam so paraniod of dirtying this thing i don't want a spec of 

whatever 

in it's keys.

i'm going to sleep before it wears off

and i am left exactly where i started.

by the way, artists in the Renaissance were considered equals to God because like God, only artists were able to make something out of nothing.

my parents are crazy mofo's.

they paid half of my very spiffy car in August

they paid for my tuition

they paid for my new Macbook

and today, they paid for my Nikon D90 SLR which not only takes amazing photos, it also takes videos in High Definition.

like i said, my parents are crazy mofo's who are investing a lot of money into my lazy approach to being a designer.

i can't believe how luckily spoiled i am, i really do feel like a spoiled only child, with all this materialism and my brother not living here anymore.

now the pressure is definitely on, i have to return the favour to my beloved parents.

it's my birthday 

and i just finished half of a small painting exercise. one of three

i am listening to Mazzy Star for the first time in awhile and i can't help but feel younger and weirder than i am

people have been asking me if i'm scared

blonde Olivia said she's scared turning 18, feeling like her childhood and school years

are so far away and there's nothing anyone can do to make them better

i don't really think about that

or maybe there hasn't been time to think of it. today i told Hai that he still has about 50 years left to live. 

when i said 50 years i realized it is 50 years and not 60 or 70 or 100 years. if almost 20 years of my life have gone by this fast then the next 20 will too and then i'll be 40.

i'd rather not think about it. this night won't end and that's all that matters.

i was really glad Breanne showed up yesterday. when she left i hugged her and hung on 

burning bridges seems to be my recent past-time

but unlike our last meeting went, things felt familiar and safe with her

she may have told me she missed me when we were hugging but i couldn't hear anything

i want to say something, text her, anything.. but i feel like maybe she feels it's done and over and maybe she doesn't have time

i napped for 5 hours today after i took my kitties to the vet. 

i'm not sure what else to say

Pablo sent me a text that said "Happy birthday love" it made me really happy 

Conor sent me a text that said "Happy birthday" and then he said he meant it. perhaps i shouldn't care

i'm nineteen years old today at 8:59 pm,

cheers!

well yesterday.

i went to Leigha's where we rolled two spliffs Tyler joined us shortly after and we drank and smoked and then at 9 30 we left to Vinyl where we met up with Olivia and it was slow at the beginning and i wasn't sure if it was fun but then Leigha and I had shot after shot and Cameron Braden and Brett were there and so was Madison and we were all dancing and i was 

fucked and i was so happy it was a really good time.

i took photos

unfortunately i looked pretty hot

until i got "fucked" which i learned is the result of being high and drunk

muahaha

i'm gonna sip Bacardi like it's my birthday

and i look pretty hot

Matt K and I were just chatting on MSN 

and he brought up 

when we were in religion in grade 10 and i would eye fuck him. hahahahah

i would look at him all the time and Andre would whisper to him when i was looking at him and

i was so oblivious to it.  it makes me laugh to this day 'cause i never thought i would become friends with Matt and keep in touch.

i guess that's what the grass does to people

well
after my couple near breakdowns this week
i was relaxed and comfortable in drawing class.
i was relaxed and comfortable for the first time in that class.
i love donkeys,
when i have an easel i am more tense and uptight and my productivity decreases
when i can sit on the donkey, it makes for a much looser comfortable at ease feel

here is what i accomplished today in 3 hours

i am in the mood for words you won't know how to piece together
to form something of substance abuse

deep forest
i didn't read. i am tired and excited for what could happen in the next 30 minutes
weekends are filling up time is filling up i don't have time for this or that
or kisses

Brian said we could be bar boyfriend and girlfriend
i thought it was cute
how on earth have i managed a person like him since junior high
he said his goal since grade 9 is to kiss me

hahahaha
i'm not sure what to think
deep forest isn't giving me what i need, the songs all got cut off
cut right off cut fright off excitement nervousness i need some better music

Javier Navarette makes me anxious just as well
the mesh between reality and fantasy
the line between reality and fantasy is merely a dot

i can draw on my wall with chalk and escape to a world beyond only to find
a different means of sight
of excitement
of sight

it's amazing how much closer you can be to someone just by sitting next to them,
i met someone new today
Matt K could not meet me in the parking lot so he sent someone else
he told me to have a goodnight and he made sure i had his number.
what for? for what? in case i am in need in the future? well i for surely will be in need in the future

i am hoping i become so busy i hardly eat
and eatly hard. but i like soup. i can only say in words things i want to say
and when it comes to drawing in open spaces
i may just breakdown
i may just not be patient

sex without love

by sharon olds

it's just overwhelming when you have that blank space
knowing you need to fill it
precisely accurately perfectly refined rendered
it's right there but not right there
it takes time and time makes me anxious

i felt accomplished today
knowing i'd be getting someone something they needed desperately even if illegal
but that damn space
those damn strokes get to me get to my core my brain my mind but no matter
the madness of them
it is all worth it in the end.

anyone can do it if they wanted, it's right there in front of you to take to draw to shade
anyone can do it

but can you do it in 3 hours? or 6 hours? i have a hard time with time.

oh, mr rabbit.
to think time waits for no one, but to really think time waits for no one
i never really thought about it until now. when you want moments to slow they don't
when you want moments to pass they don't when you want to heal you can't and when you want a straight line
it remains squiggle layered upon squiggles and in the end what the heck is that?
what the heck is that but a move you made but perhaps shouldn't have
a peace sign that could have been mistakened for the middle finger
i had good intentions i know you do as well , but that hood of yours, that hood of yours
i almost burned your pants with my cigarette, imagine if i had
you would have violently pushed my hand away the ashes flown all over the interior
of my car

but i did not burn your pants, you did not touch my hand violently
you gazed and left
and i wished you a peace sign

2 deals in 2 days
i am definitely what i said i was in previous posts.

..and another on Friday.

busy busy
first day on the job
we sat in the boardroom, the people were really sweet. there's a guy from South Africa and he's got dreads, there's a guy named Jay who i swear i know from somewhere

we looked at each other and knew we met before but could not at all remember where the heck we'd seen each other.
it is going to bother me mad.

he was born in Hong Kong but moved here when he was 16 months old. he went to mac for HS and he's in his 3rd year as a business student. i know him! i just don't know where from!

there's another girl from Albania who also lived in New York, there's a guy from Malaysia, and another asian guy and another girl who used to go to Harry Ainley HS.

interesting.. once i get used to it, i know it's gonna be a super chill job. and Breanna works there so i already know someone :)

ah but busy busy i gotta read read read tonight and drink tea tea tea

and watch sxephila and Jake and Amir, of course of course

so this is my 1000th post on this journal.
add the 330 from my first blog and you get 1330.
i am a total hipster hustler

i am being consumed in internet.
there is an entire world of video blogs
for instance, Philip DeFranco (who has my heart)
but his girlfriend Lindsay posts video blogs, and they're friends with this other couple, Shaycarl and his wife who also post video blogs
and they live in different states but visit each other often and live in a fun world of video blogs.

then there's Brett, whose username is itsBrett on youtube who also knows Phil and Shay, then there's Marina who does the hotforwords.com stuff, she is super hot if you wanna check her out which you really want to do.

video blogs are blowing my mind. if i wasn't so socially awkward in person, i would consider video blogging

hahahahaha no, no i really wouldn't

SMILE hahaha

i left drawing ten minutes early to go to my first day on the job that is really supposed to happen tomorrow.

i am an idiot who can't read.

so, instead,

i drove past Lakeside to pick up some green,

got some love

and drove home.

what the heck is going on.  i don't know why i encouraged it, but it was enjoyable :)

today today

i had class at 8 

and i didn't leave the studio until around 7 pm

i painted for 6 hours and got frustrated and wanted to cry.

i even admitted this fact to Matt at one point, and in return i got an awkward look. 

hmm... lots of texting today 

i can tell you that much. 

i felt like a real hustla, na mean?

no, but seriously. i was a real hustler today. 

i miss being kissed, i love kisses.

i just watched How She Move. i flippin' hate Tre Armstrong but i did not know she could move like that.

i watched Philip DeFranco of course. his Monday song made me laugh out loud. he makes me laugh out loud.

my life is about to get real real busy. crazy busy. and as much as i just wanna sit there and be like "all i fucking wanna do is sit at home and watch Friends!" i will totally own this new lifestyle.

i'm good at playing parts, assuming certain roles, being an actress in the real world.  i will do just that

i will own my life.

goodnight :)

i don't think guys should dye their hair.

on another note, today i went to City Center with blonde Olivia and we probably spent one hour in BCBG alone trying on the same things haha

we shopped for a long time and we came out happy :)

i bought a new coat for 40 bucks and a light blue top originally $228 but got it for $67 at 80% off. Go me :D

i felt like a million bucks and i now have an outfit for my birthday.

i am starting to really appreciate expensive clothing. the fabric of this shirt is so nice and the color is amazing and i love it for what it is and once i got home i starched and ironed it and i have it hanging on my closet door along with the shirt/dress i bought from American Apparel on friday.

i watched 21 Grams last night, was really good as always 

and i love Sean Penn and Benicio Del Toro

so so much

Jack, Jesus didn't come to free us from pain, He came to give us the strength to bare it. 

Maybe He wanted this

No He had nothing to do with this, it was an accident.

No, this wasn't an accident. Jesus chose me for this.

Jack... ask the mercy of Jesus Christ.

If it was an accident, why do I have to ask for His mercy? I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.

Don't be so frightful, that's a sin. Jack, listen to me, listen to me. Jesus came not to condemn us. Jesus loves you, but he also knows how to punish arrogant sinners like you.

Not as many as I love, I rebuke in chasing, Revelation 3:19. Jesus betrayed me.

Stop this shit or you're going straight to Hell.

Hell? This is hell. Right here.

You shut up now and ask Christ to forgive you.

Forgive me? I did everything He asked me to do. I changed. I gave Him my life. And He betrayed me. He put that fucking truck in my hands so I could carry out His will and made me kill that man and those girls, but hey, He didn't give me the strength to stay in safe.

You bastard, Christ had nothing to do with this.

God even knows when a single hair moves on your head.. and you taught me that.

I'm gonna pray for you, Jack.

alright well i wasn't going to elaborate on yesterday's events but i am bored.

i woke up at 10, went to the studio, painted until after 4, went to Whyte Avenue with Olivia

where i bought a super cool shirt dress from American Apparel, then we went to Decadence --

which by the way will be the death of me.. it's impossible for me to leave that store empty-handed-- where i bought a sweet 60's Corona hoodie, it's totally the hoodie that the beach bum wears.

i am listening to a remake of "smoke two joints" and they have sound effects of a bong. super cool

Olivia bought an exact replica of a shirt she already has, from Decadence. and then we headed to the liquor store. i couldn't find what i wanted so we went to another liquor store. i still didn't find what i wanted so i drove to Mike's to drop off his necklace, then we went to another liquor store and i DID find what i needed! so then i went to Olivia's and basked in her awesome room that i am so excited to re-vamp one weekend!  i went home and in one hour i cleaned my room, packed my bag and got ready.

i LRT'd to Leigha's glorious apartment where she let me taste some of the liquor she got from Mexico and then we hit the bong. 

those are the most amazing things in the world, once you use one, you never ever wanna go back to spliffs or pipe's. anyways, 

we left around 11 and LRT'd to Fluid which is a pretty shitty club i must say. i just really wanted to go to the Bank but the line was huge and our tickets only worked before 10 pm.. how unfortunate.

we had to go back to Leigha's place around 12:30 so Stacy could go home. but it was all good, we ordered pizza, got stoned again and watched a movie on how Wal-Mart is taking over the world. CRAZY i don't remember anything that they talked about in that movie

i slept all night with my contacts, it was a great achievement on my part

as for today, i cleaned and got the job!

as for the future, i have great plans.. Olivia knows.

yesterday was a fucking good day!

Olivia knows

GUYS

check out http://fancycakematt.blogspot.com/

i'm slowly taking the entire population down with me in the world of blogs muahaha

no but seriously, check out the links on the side regularly

i update like mad

there are people

you text sometimes

that you don't really know why you do, maybe because they were once special

because you would have phone conversations with them

well thats significant because i never talk o

n the phone. only to Pablo and that's because we have no other way to maintain our friendship.

anyways

i send Robbie a text just because and i ask what is up.

i think he is the only guy who ever actually tells you what is up.

on the one hand, i tend to complain when people are just like "oh not much" although i am one of them

and then when someone finally does tell me in 2 text messages that "Hey actually quite a bit is up lol. Im moving home with my parents cuz me and tom had a huge misunderstanding and were no longer friends. no big deal to me or anything. i just think of it as a fresh start for a new year."

like, WHOA. i should have expected this, however. last time we texted i was in english and not checking my phone and once class was over my inbox was 100% full and there were more waiting.

on another note on the drive home i listened to Float Away by Robbie Rivera. and i have been listening to Lollipop by Lil' Wayne non-stop. geeez us.  this sort of music is the only thing that gets me excited for clubs. 

i need to think of something to text back. how 

is "crazy, so you coming out for my birthday next friday".  it's hard to think of these people as being part of my past. it's so out of my reach 

Tyler came before Robbie. Tyler's older brother, Tom, is the guy who was Robbie's roommate. i also remember Alex Dack and how he was the funniest guy ever and we would talk on the phone for ages and he would help me with all my issues and then we'd play tetris over msn whilst talking on the phone. Alex's group of friends hated all Tyler's friends and i vaguely remember someone being kicked at one of their high school dances.

oh how time flies, for real.

before you know it, the ketchup is expired...

some things just blow my mind. my mind is b

lown on a daily basis actually

for example, how The Bank has somehow become my staple club

when it used to be the one i dreaded because of all the revealing dress codes

um hellll no.

i did wear a short dress that one time. good thing there are photographs.

this morning whilst brushing my teeth, Boots sat in the bidet. cutest thing i ever did see

my kitties are my life

i came home from school today and Baby was sleeping on my bed in the exact spot i sleep

and she is always hanging out with me,

i think she's using me for my fish though... 

ps my mother got angry at me today for wearing my dad's work shirt to a job interview/school. it is SO hobo though. it has dirt stains and holes and it hangs off my body perfectly. i love it

i would like to make a note about my friendship with Leigha.

i love hanging out with her again. i love that our friendship started when we were small kids and  i hate that i messed it up for a few years there

sometimes i still feel awkward around her

simply because she is a completely different person than she was 

but i find myself being ok with it.. i actually like it a lot more 

because the person she has become allows me to open up that part of me..

the part that doesn't mind going to the club or dressing up or ---

hahahaha me and my cousin Jocelyn are talking on facebook and she asked

"so what happened with that boy you were with"

i replied, "nothing really, we stopped seeing each other"

she says, "oh that sucks..."

i say, "not really, it was a messy relationship anyways"

and then she says the best thing ever that i will make bold and red:

"dont worry i thought he was gross and ugly anyway"

last point, red-head Olivia brought me Ham on Rye today!

i can't wait to read it tonight and i can't wait to take advantage of her well-rounded library!

i laid on my bed and Baby sat on my stomach

she eventually curled up to the rise and fall of my body and i eventually fell asleep for what seemed like eternity but was only a few minutes

i had more to say

tomorrow morning i have an interview

friday i'm going to the bank with Leigha

Saturday i'm hoping to get my passport picture done

Sunday i am shopping for birthday clothes, nice club party clothes

which i feel so grown up and feminine saying. i hate the word feminine

i think it's probably one of the words i hate most of the english language.

anyways, that's that

and my fingers are sticky with glue. 

oh, and i've decided to start posting pictures or videos or anything that inspires me, or that i think is super cool

oh, and today i gave Matt my precious URL so if you are reading this, thanks for the VLC suggestion, it totally plays all my movies!  with sound!

so i'm an idiot.

turns out this entire time i thought Abbie Hoffman and Albert Hoffman were one person. 

as a matter of fact, Albert Hoffman and Abbie Hoffman were two people.

thanks, Wikipedia, you made me feel like a complete loser once again. now that i actually know who the heck Abbie Hoffman is, i can safely say that he sounds just as cool as Albert. 

but i have to say that Albert definitely surpasses Abbie, so those of you who got my message in the mail, you'll be getting another one.. in a few minutes

i would like to start off this post with a video from The Philip DeFranco Show which i am now obsessed with, thanks to red head Olivia. i am choosing to post this video, because he talks about the very man who my blog URL is named after. check it 

anyways, so that is that and Albert Hoffman definitely WAS a great man.

the other day after glorious Design class, me and Gin went outside glorious Dewey's to "burn one" as he likes to say it. in the process we stroke up a conversation with this guy named Leo or Liam or something of the sort and the interesting tid bit about him that day was that

he had skipped college to go to University. thing is, he goes to college, but takes Japanese at the University because his fiancee is Japanese.

me, being scared of new people, realized that this guy, here, was totally normal, probably a really cool guy, young, and engaged and getting married

and seemed to have had some intense conversations with the future in-laws about the entire marriage ordeal. seeing as he is caucasian, and she, asian. really, when you put it that way, he is really an asian with a cauc. hahaha

anyways, today i feel like i accomplished nothing, probably because that's exactly what i did accomplish. nothing.

except that i became a fan of Philip DeFranco on facebook and he is half Italian and nerdy cute so it's all good in the end.

in drawing today i felt like the chimney sweepers in Mary Poppins

with black soot all over my face and hands except that it was really powered charcoal

and it was all over my chamois and totally in my lungs and nose hairs

for when i blew my nose, charcoal appeared. this happened last semester as well.

but all charcoal snot aside, Philip DeFranco is definitely worth watching

NOV13.08

Today was OK. not an epic good day. those come once in awhile. they can't be expected all the time.

______________________ WHY? i want to know why ______________

why why why why why why why why why

? i hate the big question mark that is my brain right now.

i promise to write more often.

it could be the only thing that can keep me sane. The Only Thing.

No, I'm wrong, there's probably

more things.

Be a closed book, please?

and buy some pens that fucking work.

-----------------------------------------

DEC28.08

i open this journal for the first time since December 18 (so, ten days) and at the same moment i receive a text message from him. Filthy. I have been doing nothing these days. lounged around at Leigha's last night. I wish there were more to say, something I could write that could be exciting to read later. this hair is itching me, my face. my bedroom is satisfying. we'll see how long it lasts. why do i feel the need to change it so much? walking towards my dark bedroom, anticipating the moment when i turn on the light and the arrangement is completely fresh, new and clean, making me feel fresh, new and clean.  i think about space and the effect it has on me all the time. if i am not happy with my space, my bedroom, my sanctuary.. then it is an itch under my skin for hours and days until something is done, when a step has been taken in the right direction. i am eager for the day when this journal is completed. when it is accomplished. that is happiness. until i start another one.

i need to let go more. i haven't cried in awhile. i feel like i need a good cry or else i will turn into a robot or a vegetable that only has opposable thumbs to show the world of people who also have opposable thumbs.

i want to cry.

he didn't even text back. WTF

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

what an annoying little bitch. i feel like painting. it's 11:47 pm, on the verge of being December 29. The plan is:

1) Paint in this, here, journal

2) watch 21 Grams

3) cry.

----------------------------------

i miss you.

i can't believe it's been 3 months already.
i feel really sad sometimes

---

christmas cards:

from Heather-

merry christmas deen!

i miss you a lot. plain and simple. not only do i think and worry about you daily, i iwhs i could be around while you go through the amazing thing that we call design school!! you've really grown up this year -- drinking, grad, driving!! and i'm glad we at least have skype.. keep being strong this coming year, and never be afraid to dare! lots of love, heather

from Daniel-

dearest little sister... Deen Deen!

All Christmas wishing aside, I just want you to know that I love you very much and am so proud of you. I love that you are learning and growing and figuring out what you are passionate about... a big brother couldn't be prouder. lots of love, Daniel

i am so sad

Love ridden, Ive looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
Ive wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when its over
So I cant tonight, baby
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave
My hand wont hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now Im giving up on you
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave

what the HECK

i just watched The City.

Jay is the cutest ever

i can't believe he asked her to be his girlfriend and the way he put it was so sweet

poured them glasses of wine.

geeez

why the heck couldn't that happen to me

he even said "our first dinner date as girlfriend and boyfriend" holy cow.

with those blue eyes and free flowing hair and Australian accent.

holw cow holy cow holy cow

alrighty

today i got lots done just as i hoped.

check it out, i finished my shelf model:

the unit on the left is wall mounted :)

anyways, i finished those today and got my drawings figured out

the day went by really super fast now that i look back, art was fun

we started a new project which has to do with 5 collages with different color schemes

i did some conte drawings in my journal today, too, and yesterday i plastered acrylic paint in two of its pages. i love my journal, it's just a bulky black journal with crinkly pages from paint and fixative from random charcoal sketches, 

a crinkly worn down journal with black words and random pages of color gives me incentive to draw and paint

but plastering on the paint with a palette is just way too much fun. it's unfortunate paint is expensive and i have to let the layers dry overnight. 

anyways, i've started listening to Fiona Apple again thanks to Greg's blog :P

i just finished my drawing homework so all that's left on my To Do list for January 12

is to finish my english response which i did half of yesterday, and to review some art history.

i am so on the ball

it's easy. coming home, i feel exhausted and tired and all i wanna do is nothing but all i have to do is really push myself

and tell myself to just fucking do it

and so far, i have been really fucking doing it haha

new years resolutions are going well, i've brought healthy lunches to school consisting of

almonds and raisins, apples/bananas, and soup.  and everything's well on the school front thus far.

drawing class still makes me nervous

hive action almost

ooh ps, check out my art project compared to Kandinsky's ( i still have to fix up some stuff):

i feel like writing

i have to wake up at 5:55 in the am

tomorrow

but i'll write for awhile

what about im not sure

i created an event on facebook

that alone is enough to create some hive action

which is ridiculous

i have accepted that i am a person who is on the down-low

i don't have many friends

there are only a few who go out of their way to spend time with me

and i am a nerd, a really big nerd

who has to make a new years resolution forcing her to go out at least once every 2 weeks

i have accepted that i am that person

but i don't think others have accepted it haha

i try really hard to make that my character

yes, i try hard

making me a try hard

in some sense.

its totally a try hard super cool thing though.

like when you take your flaw(s) or awkwardness's

and make them your signature

like that's what you're known for

for example,

i am known for not bathing as much as everybody else, as a matter of fact, i would tell people when i showered and they would give me high five's (even significant others!) 

i am also known for not wearing a bra, i haven't worn one in months

i am also known for being unreliable, i make plans and a few hours before the plan is to be executed, i totally bail out and ruin everyone's lives

i am also known for staying home a lot and watching movies, it's too much hassle going out, i find.

i am known for re-arranging my room 12 times a year

and changing a lot

i am known for my ridiculous laugh

and the many photos i used to take of myself

and the hundreds of journals i will die in

and the odd spectrum of music that i listen to.

i could go on forever, i am starting to think.  

i am so tired and my neck really hurts.

i hope i get stuff done tomorrow

a moment of vanity

so teeny so teeny so teenybopper

i'm listening to Boston by Augustana

it makes me cringe with disgust 

and my gut cringes too

makes me think of Morpheus and all the songs i downloaded from it

grade ten, basically. music makes me feel so weird sometimes

the high piano notes at the beginning really annoy me. it makes my right ear thump.

high pitched noises make my right ear thump. like peeing in the morning

and the phone ringing

and the fucking piano notes of this gross song

the summer before grade ten when i wore white capri pants and pink shirts and straightened my long hair

is what comes to mind when i listen to A Perfect Circle or Deftones. it was a Tyler influence. we were "dating" and he was sweet. i thought he was so cool, i remember. is a drummer with his nipple pierced

hahahahhaha

we still talk sometimes. he has lots of tattoo's now. 

Guano Apes and lame techno reminds me of Joe. i'm not sure what reminds me of Stephane.

Bob Dylan maybe. he would put it on his iPod with my speakers while we kissed 

i did not know who Bob Dylan was then

i didn't know much then, as a matter of fact. 

i am very sure in a few years i'll look at these entries as i write my new ones

and talk about how that song by Ill Scarlet.. that remake of Umbrella reminds me of his car

and all the pop punk with voices that are still going through puberty. and i will want to 

bang my head against the wall repeatedly.

i will

at least i have the opportunity to see what a loser i was 

over and over again haha

if i didn't

i would think i was this cool all along

i love Michael Cera especially when he sings These Eyes to cocaine addicts

i love his voice 

i got an email about that job i wanted months ago. i think i'll take it. i can handle 8 hours a week, two days a week

at 11 dollars an hour

it's possible that i might have to re-take art history 101. this makes me anxious and upset

but i say, it might be what i gotta do and that's all. i will look back and laugh that i had to re-do it and waste money

things happen, there might be a reason for it

in my drawing class, there's 4 additional students in our class. 2 are asian and the other 2 seem pretty cool. one is a 3rd year design student named Chris and the other is from who knows where but his name is Michael and he has cool pants and shoes

if i get the whole 4 months to myself

i am stopping in Montreal,

then Holland and once there i will go to Italy for family reasons

and a maybe is Madrid because my brothers friends are going to school there

and they said i'm welcome to stay there whenever i want.

how unbelievable.  Dawn, i hope you find it in your heart to let my C- go

i would think i was this cool all along

tonight i am going to write 

a ton

if i were a boy i think i could understand how it feels to love a girl

i swear i'd be a better man

i'd listen to her 'cause i know how it hurts

when you lose the one you wanted 'cause he's taken you for granted

if i were a boy i would turn off my phone

tell everyone it's broken so they'd think i was sleeping alone

i'd put myself first

and make the rules as i go

'cause i know she'd be faithful waiting for me to come home

i don't feel like avoiding it. i hate it and i wish i'd stop thinking about you

don't call me baby girl for no reason

or to only fuck me up

you can't just call me that whenever you feel like it

don't you have any pride

don't you have any poems you could be writing to other girls

while you stare me in the eyes and tell me you wrote it for me 

while we're sitting on public transit

on the way to your place

when you know what's going to happen once we get there

after i give you a gift from the heart 

because i supported your interests

after the long pause i said "you're welcome"

and all you could come up with was

"i said thank you in my head"

what kind of human being are you

you're a fake and loser

and a tool and a try hard, you're not anything you claim to be

you can't even call yourself a man

i saw it all along and i believed you and felt bad

when you made me feel bad for feeling the way i did

at least i know now, that it's only uphill from here

not everyone is like you

and i can look forward to better things

because after you,

that's all there is left.

it's taken me so long to say everything because giving you the satisfaction

of knowing you affected me so negatively

was the last thing i wanted. but now i feel better

better things is all there is left.

1300 posts

i am so weird

i just danced

to some song about a girl who can fuck in a hummer truck

and getting more ass than a toilet seat

oh marshall m.

my insides are burnt

shake that ass for me

oh girl

shake that ass for me

i am bored

i am going to dance

with my 

everyday she be givin' it up

she must have a lot of leg shaving to take care of

i love dancing

i wanna go dance with people

Leigha is the best for that

our hair goes all over the place 

it's a split second look in the eye covered by slits of hair

and then it's back to the ground

to the ground

my pipe fell at Leigha's one day

i need a new one

a new one

would love a new one

oh yeah

i have sculpy stuff

and i think i'm going to make my own

if the clay is ok for burning

its the nth bottle of wine ingested

helicopters in the speakers with Kelelelelele

im being pushed into railings squished

the bar will be an imprint in my anatomy

look around 

dry eyes dry mouth

all liquid moves to your joints

knee joints and others

Michelin Man i am

with foamy knee joints and elbows

are you hoping for a miracle?

are you hoping for a miracle?

kele it sounds like

are you happy for america?

areyou happy for america?

6 out of 10 better luck next time

some things will never be different

this live music that live music in september

rain outside and kkk hoods the girl standing in line behind me

i didn't say hi although i should have

i wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for her

always reminded me of la befana's stance

my mercury's in retrograde

mercury's in retrograde

mer mer mer mercury mer mercury mer

cury

please take me by the hand

its so cold out tonight oh

i wont turn off the light ah dont forget to forget you

write you once a week she said 

i'd go through hell for you

i haven't been this scared in a long

i

m so unprepared

a simple melody

you're so 

beautiful to me.

people talk too fast

replay replay replay

i know victory's sweet

where do these words come from

where do these lines come from

lines don't in exist in reality, she said

they are abstract

lines do not exist

lines do not exist

there is no such thing as a 

line

in the real world

it was so cool, i touched my fingers to my chin

and cocked my head to the side with a side smirk

lines don't exist

her bold circle glasses and blonde hair. we brushed by each other in the hall

she guessed my name right

and i can't draw 

can't draw boxes on wheels nor tree bark

i read two books nearly a year ago by Sabrina Ward Harrison. she had some musical artists written

like Ani Di Franco and Leonard Cohen. like she thought highly of them both.

i documented and perhaps had the intention to listen to their art 

but who knew Leonard Cohen.. i didn't. it's ruined.

i think Amanda (character) loves her dying fish in the bathtub who bleeds ribbons

and sees the doctor who smokes unlit cigarettes and stomps on them in anger when she offers him a light. oh, Doctor Moon. 

then there's the tiger in space, the 9 or 12 year old who told her about shark cancer, shark tumour.

but shark's are awesome! shark's don't get diseases! sharks are what dreams are made of..

why couldn't my mind think of things like these, these like things

about hidden oceans

where? it's hidden

i bet it has nice beaches

nothing like we have ever known..

"goodnight gorgeous" "goodnight wonderwall"  

maybe you'll read, maybe you won't

holy cow!

today at the end of english i got my midterm exam back but i was so pre-occupied with getting to Drawing on time that i didn't even look at it. i shoved it in my bag and completely forgot. we had two write 3 responses to 3 random quotes and i just looked at it and i received an A!!!

geeeeez.

my marks are all over the place for last semester. 

A in english

B in art

B in design

C- in art history

D in philosophy

at least i have lots of variety..

this semester i have english, art history, drawing, art, and design. so basically no regular tests. my english teacher is just so laid back and hippie that we never really have exams, just responses and essays and we read a lot of

really good avant-garde, post modern and unconventional writing and we discuss it in class 

and in art history the only exams we're given are the midterm and final

so 3 portfolio's (6 including midterms) are all i really have to spend the most time on.

what to say what to say. i wrote in my journal last night and i wrote a haiku.

i feel like my online blog is very formal and very agenda-like, stating what i do everyday and not much else.  my handwritten journals are mine.

some movies i am wanting to see

1) Milk

2) Revolutionary Road (Jan. 23)

3) Bride Wars

4) Benjamin Button

i love the name Benjamin. i need to start adding to my list of favorite names. so far it goes as follows:

BOYS: Oliver, Benjamin (Beniamino in Italian), Elliot, Simon, Che, Orion, Knox, Jude

GIRLS: Penelope, Finley, Harlow, Jude

i ate 3 bananas today, i don't feel very good

there are much bigger things to worry about, Christine.

stop it

right now

Will said this to me:

"your fucked
i have no clue why but ever since that conversaation with u i think i moved on man
thats so fuckin weird
but good i guess"

i helped!  

now i need to help myself, fuck

haha

my brother is the most amazing human being

i miss him a lot

it makes me sad

really sad...

hey Man.

you are the only one

i need.

i wear your essence around my neck everyday.

you are the only Man that matters

you are the only Man 

that listens.

i'm not sure what to think how to think who to think

but me

right now it's me and Man, Man and me

you can't see him

but i can 

Man is paint

Man is words

Man is kind people

Man is tea

Man is my scarves

Man is my blue pants

Man is my bracelets

Man is my warm blanket and this screen

you can never be as good as Man

and man can never be as good as God

"haha let me know what happens tomorrow haha night beautiful"

interesting...

this morning i sketched for 3 hours

this noon i bought art supplies and organized for 3 hours

this afternoon i painted for 3 hours (in color!)

how fun..

accomplish tonight

- finish reading art history

- start design drawings

yay

first nap.

i have to go buy $75 worth of art supplies tomorrow.

it seems like nothing for art supplies, but there's quite a lot of different supplies that i have to carry back to the studio from the art store. 

today was pretty good. i'm going to be super busy, though.

to get an A+ in that class she suggested that

for every hour of class, study 4 hours.

for my studio's, i'm supposed to spend outside of class the time i spend in class.

for english, same deal as last semester, maybe more essays.

so here are my calculations:

art history 102 = 8 hrs/week

art 137               = 6 hrs/week

design 139         = 6 hrs/week

drawing 140      = 6 hrs/week

GRAND TOTAL= 26 hrs/week (not  including actual class time, AND english class)

oh my God. 

the sad part, i needed a calculator to add those totals. it's ok, i'm an art student.

i am so gonna survive this and have a lot of fun while doing it, too

me and Brian Mroczek are planning on chilling with Young Jeezy.