today was pretty good.
i went to sleep at 1 am, woke up at 9 am
had art history at 11
and thats where it gets interesting.
we discussed and looked at slides of greek pottery
and it was borderline porn. actually it WAS porn. we all had a good laugh at the greek man balancing a kylix on his boner.

at 12:30 i had english, where Mark Jarman, a Canadian author, came to read to us. he had some pretty funny stories. he talked about his journals a lot, and how when he vacationed to Italy this summer he filled 4 journals. he talked about how he couldn't see his life without writing. that it was a necessary relief for him. and then he talked about how he'll write in his journal by hand, and think it's really good. but once he prints it from the computer he thinks it's absolute shit.

and i totally know what he means by that. i feel the same way! when i read some of the stuff i've written in these 1000+ entries on my blog, sometimes i feel like meaning is lost because the type is so mechanical. when i read my hand written journals i feel like they're so much more grounded.. like they're speaking to me. i notice my printing/handwriting style, how my lines are a little off, how i drastically curl my L's and how i add an extra little decorative loop in my capital W's. and the thickness of the paper and the harsh ink pen i use just add that certain character that is only achieved in hand written documents. i could also totally understand what he meant by not seeing his life without writing. i mean, i'm not one of those people who are ridiculously passionate about literature. i don't aspire to be a writer or poet, and sometimes i'm not really into books either. but after 5 years of writing in a journal and documenting things and collecting myself in pages, i don't think i will ever be able to get rid of this habit. i don't want to either. if anything, it enhances my life. i am able to grow and learn and remember everything i've done.
just the other day, Calvin said to me "OMG! we met on February 12! i was reading your blog and we met on February 12! omg i love you!"
it brings a whole new meaning to living when something like that happens.
if i don't write for a long time, i feel like everything significant that has been happening is just piling on my shoulders until i empty it onto paper. i need to write things down. i need to record my thoughts and feelings because i don't ever want to forget them.
i don't regret anything i've ever written. i mean, i do look back sometimes and am completely repulsed by the subject matter and how lame it is, but if i didn't write that awfulness, i would never realize what i've grown from.
i don't regret writing about infatuations, i don't regret writing my entire journal in Italy as if it were a long letter to Conor because that's how i felt at the time, and it was the best feeling ever and i like to recognize that i did feel that way once.

anyways, after English i LRT'd with Ali and Hannah and i picked up Mike and we went to eat at Tony Roma's. it was nice, just a chill afternoon with a friend. i was starving. i drove him home and came home and watched the rest of Chocolat, tried to nap but was interrupted by Breanne's telephone call.
nothing special happened after that.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow, however

would you like a fucking fucked movie? watch American Beauty. please. i just watched it.

quote from the movie? "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

ok, well maybe a few quotes.. " So, do you party?" "Excuse me? " "Do you get high?"

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

on another note, here's a quote from him.. ".. well yea i'd rather you and me talking be about something nice or pretty or cute like you are."

what the fuck

YES i finally got the internet working on my laptop in the studio.

i am happy to say i am sitting in the studio right now. Amanda to my right and Emily and Hannah in front of me.

=)

OCT19.08 1230 AM

Things are over. The love is lost. was it love? no. it was craze. it drove me crazy. i'm going to start being creative. More creative. writing more about my cats that love me or similar things.
I will inject as much art into my veins as possible, if I want my life to be fulfilled by
1) SIMPLE PLEASURES
2) CREATIVE THINGS
3) RED & GREEN UNDERTONES
4) TEA

then i will make it so.
I will make it so. I will make it so.
I will make it so.

5 candles, 3 pairs of underwear because i am so over ass floss, a Buddha figurine, 5 hair bands, a map of Edmonton, plastic fish plants and a new blue Siamese Fighting Fish that i named Che.

guess what was the cheapest of them all?
the fish.
the living thing.
the product of God was the cheapest. i feel like there's something wrong with that.

post-modernism
non-linear narrative
parataxis - two opposites together, reader creates new image
no grand narrative

the girl who turns red when called upon. she knows, she thinks, if she could only stop thinking red.
merge into this writing like the yellow head... where do i want to start.
kisses me through movie, we drink water. "like" x 1000000000...
& the nodder.

Girl, Gun, ZigZag, i'm not sure who wrote this. "in the back seat of his car, in the parkade behind the new apartments, Robert lays her down, slides his hand under two layers. Puts his lips to hers, inhales carbon dioxide from her mouth. Tastes the breath of her coming."

"I wake up to the alarm radio, beside Anna, the woman i no longer love. ... her nakedness fails to signify what it once did. Now it means practically nothing." i read those words and felt that coldness.

"Gazing at Anna across the dinner table. Robert demands the salt. Idiot, drunk, claiming to be whatever he claims to be."

"She is staring at me and why am I lying like a drunk beneath pine?"

"I can say this without exaggeration: when I met her I fell to my death. Backward down a snowy hill on a black plastic toboggan, watching movies into the early hours of the morning, growing brave enough to touch her hair with fingertips."

"If I ever return, she will dance. Little Anna, let her spill things and break things."

"Anna, only thing I love, I will make you feel the song of my blood. Anna, I have written love poems for your wooden bracelet."

"I have warned Anna never to get close to something that will one day die." I should have read this months ago.

"Anna, this is me drawing a heart on a piece of paper. I know that everybody does it, and it's nothing to look at, but it's the only way I can express this emotion, which has no words to it, only a familiar curvy outline."

"A map with stars on it, of all the places that I want to be with her. Looking out into the clear blue sky, watching Anna rise and I fall."

"I stuff a cardboard panel under my sweater vest and draw circuit boards in marker on my forearms until constellations become untraceable. Why do you draw vivid nightmares in broad strokes? Anna, don't look at me. Don't watch me walk away."

"If I heard her say his name I'd wince, drink myself unconscious, dissociate into molecules. Anna giggles, squeals, takes it in like fresh air, ascending to heaven on the living room floor."

"Anna buys cigarettes for kids."

did you write this?

sorry for the excessive writing, i just can't seem to get everything out in just one sitting.

i have a simple story..
the other day while waiting for the Light Rail Transit, me and Ali began making a list of double T words, because i like the way they sound.

"Button.. mitten.. glutton.. kitten.." and then Hannah joined us and i told her about our list. i look back and it was a simple pleasure, playing with pleasant sounding words.

so these past couple weeks i've been blowing my nose and having charcoal come out. perhaps this means i am a true artist, but breathing in charcoal dust can't be good for me.

on another note, my mother told me yesterday in a boot camp voice "keep Saturday night open because you're dad is going hunting and me and you are going for dinner and a movie."

a date with my mom? this actually makes me nervous. "am i scared to talk to my mom as a real person?" i ask myself. it gives me a queasy feeling. like i cringe in the face of cheese and sap and that's exactly what Saturday will be.

on yet another note, life has been completely unfair to me these past few weeks. unwanted event after unwanted event and i don't know where it will stop. God, if i'm still alive and still able to discover those few joys in life, perhaps all this was necessary in order for greater things to unfold.

i am a strong mother fucking mess. and if i don't feel it, i will fucking make sure to pretend

(i only swear in times of desperation)

today, Joe texted me, "i want to enjoy you enjoying me"

he's currently learning to DJ.

today i had art
then i walked with Olivia for an hour
then i had philosophy
then i sat with Olivia in her Biology class, where Marijuana was discussed and i learned about plants
Madison was in the row behind us
he winked at me teehee
and then we walked, him to the LRT, me to Dewey's and we exchanged numbers.
then i had Design
then i took the LRT with Hannah
then i drove home
then i ate food
now i'm talking to Calvin
i am going to go take a much needed, and much looked forward to nap.

i have to mention Olivia's text messages while i was talking to Joe. she wondered if "sexy time" was going on, and if we were re-kindling our past love. me and Joe just laughed awkwardly.

awkwardly being keyword, i think. anyways, i love Olivia and we're both being Alice in Wonderland for Halloween. ha

so this morning i woke up around 10. i went to the studio and worked on my art project from 11:30 - 2 and then i drove to second cup and hung out with Jamiee and talked to her. i haven't seen her in a while and although there are things that bother me about her, i insisted we hang out next weekend.
i don't know why, but there's something about her that overrides the annoyances.
anyways, i was there until 3:30 and then i drove to my church where i had to help my aunt sell tickets for the harvest dinner. ever since i needed volunteer hours for school she's been asking to help for all the church's dinners, selling tickets. it's fun, i've become pretty good friends with Whitney, who goes to the U of A also and she's in her last semester studying immunology or something. she's pretty sweet, we sell raffle tickets to old people at church together. hahaha

anyways, i left there about 5:30 and met Joe in the parking lot of Tim Hortons. he parked his Mazda next to mine and we just sat in my car and talked for probably twenty minutes. it was nice.

there's an unbelievable amount of sexual tension between us

so i decided to not go to the hall party. i was in bed until about 5 pm. and then i got a bowl of cereal and watched Friends. now i'm here. i'm going to paint in a little bit.

i will adjust the lighting in here, perhaps light some candles.. pick some music and i will paint what i've been wanting to paint for a few days now.

i make a huge sigh. i can't forget what you've already forgotten

ciao ciao

yesterday i picked up Hannah around 9:30 in the morning from around Ada Boulevard which was really nice. my dad used to take me and Daniel around there for bike rides sometimes, and me and Daniel would go trick or treating on Ada Blvd too. it was a nice drive. so i picked her up, drove to the University and we went to the studio to attack our painful art projects.
Bryan was already there.. he had been there since 7:30, and he was pissed off at his drawing. i think it's safe to say that this art project is probably the toughest so far. i hate those days when we walk into class at 8 in the morning and we see this set up of the most random still life. it's so uninspiring and i get overwhelmed, knowing we're gonna have to draw part of it. and this project is tonal so we start off with a mid-grey charcoaled piece of paper and with vine charcoal and eraser, we have to draw the figures according to their lightest and darkest points, paying most attention to the different values.

anyways, i had class at 12 so i had to leave all my things so i could sit in Philosophy, where i tend to chew my nails more than anything else.

after class, i got my usual cheddar and herb bagel with sundried tomato and i walked back to the studio. there, i assumed my position as slave to the charcoal and easel. i have to say, for having had to start my project over, i got quite a bit done, but i have to go back sometime this weekend and get it to about 80% finished for monday's class.

well Calvin joined me in the studio at about 2 and i set up my laptop so he could do his stuff while i did mine. around 4 we pakced up our stuff and drove to Whyte Avenue where we did our week 3 photoshoot. i'm so happy we continue doing these photoshoots, they really take our minds off stressful things and it's a simple, quick process. they take 45 minutes at most and we have fun and we get to experiment with different locations, different clothes.. it's just another creative outlet for both of us.

i drove him to the bank, and then i drove him home and then i drove myself home.
by the time i got home it was about 6, so i ate leftovers and watched Friends. my parents left the house to go to my Aunt's place so i decided to get high and i saw that Breanna was online so i say
"hey what you doing tonight"
and we chat, and i say
"wanna come over and get high"
so i go pick her up from my old neighbourhood and i drive past my old house and we look into my bedroom window which has a light on in it and there's a person in there and i miss that house so much. Breanna says
"i remember that teeny room you had, you had your bed, the dresser, your desk.. you could barely move in there. and you always re-arranged it.. it was so funny."

yeah, that house was a great house. teeny tiny, but very great.

so anyways, we stop to buy lots of candy and we get to my place and get high.. well, i get high, it was Breanna's first time so i don't know if she did it properly haha. we end up just watching television and we fall asleep watching Running With Scissors.

it was a good, relaxing night with a friend i haven't hung out with in ages.

i drove her home at 9 this morning and here i am contemplating whether i should go to this hall party tonight, or if i should stay in and relax. the latter sounds more satisfying to be honest. i wonder what Calvin's up to tonight..

i'm just happy one tank of gas has lasted me exactly two weeks today.. and i still have 1/4 tank left.

Pablo, i miss you, i wish we were together.

Last night, I had a dream
We were inseparably entwined
Like a piece of rope made out of two pieces of vine
Held together, holding each other
With no one else in mind
Like two atoms in a molecule
Inseparably combined

But then I woke from the dream
To realize I was alone
A tragic event, I must admit
But let's not be overblown
I'm gonna try to write a love song
Just a sad, pathetic moan
And maybe I just need a change
Maybe I just need a new cologne

But now I look at love
Like being stabbed in the heart
You torture each other from day to day
And then one day you part
Most of the time it's misery
But there's some joy at the start
And for that, I'd say it's worth it
Just as you play the shortest sharp on me

And if love is just a game
Then how come it's no fun?
If love is just a game
How come I've never won?
I guess maybe it's possible I might be playing it wrong
And that's why every time I roll the dice
I always come undone

i just talked to my brother on Skype for 37 minutes. he's doing good, he was in Amsterdam yesterday for some design function and he printed his portfolio so he can go look for jobs. he met lots of cool people too and he joined a soccer team for fun. he even met this journalist guy who used to live in Edmonton, who went to our elementary, went to Daniel's junior high and went to our high school. he even lived in the same neighbourhood haha. he's a lot older though, and he's been living in Europe for 15 years but he's done articles for Globe and Mail which is crazy. i can't wait to go to Holland this summer.

on another note, Hannah let me borrow her Noah and the Whale CD and this group is so good! whoever is reading this should definitely give Noah and the Whale a listen. my favorites so far are 5 Years Time and 2 Molecules in an Atom.

well i wrote my art history midterm today, it went alright.

i'm gonna go read some philosophy and then paint... tata

"i feel better today. this morning sucked cuz she gave us this new complex still life to do a tonal project with and i fucked it up so i have to start over. i had an interview today with my art teacher too, and it was really good. shes really good to talk to and she understands i have almost no background in art, and she said i've probably surprised myself with what i've been doing because she said i've been doing really well. i got a B on my art portfolio. so i got B in both Design and Art. its kind of frustrating though because our TA is this old lady named Edith and shes so critical of my work so when Lisa (my teacher) walks around, she tells me she likes the texture and the way i use the medium, and then Edith walks around and tells me i should remove the stuff Lisa told me was good. its so frustrating and i apparently Edith went to Emily Carr which is supposedly a topnotchsnobby art school and i can totally see where Edith's attitude comes from. i just want to bash her in the face sometimes because she puts her fingers all over my charcoal drawings and ruins the texture i spent 30 minutes trying to perfect. but she looks so sweet and old. like today we were working on our complex still life project and i was working on the table part of it and she walks up to me and says "christine, ok, you need to stop obsessing over the table and start working on the other objects in the composition." HFSUIBFSBUFBS i hate it. i accidentally skipped philosophy again. i am so not feeling that class. its a pain to have to pack up my stuff and leave the studio between art and design, i just wish i could stay in the studio the whole day. design was good, Greig showed us two films. one on Karel Appel, a co-founder of CoBrA, and one on sustainability created by Annie Leonard."

"and then we worked on project 5 which is two one-page magazine layouts and i chose to do it on Banksy because i think i could find some really effective images to use. i also had Dr Seuss, Andy Warhol (of course), Basquiat, Waldo (wheres waldo?) and Chris McCandless (into the wild) but i settled with Banksy. im so excited to get started on it. but i have an art history midterm tomorrow and i was at school til 7 30 with my art/design class, and we discussed the topics that will be on the test and it was fun and successful, probably the best study session i've ever had. and i'm starting to really like the people in my class, they're really cool people! this one guy Matt that i sit beside, is American, and he voted right beside me! it was so cool, he had all the voting papers and stuff and he voted for Obama! yay!"

i miss you Daniel

i drove to value village by kingsway for 4 o' clock
met Breanne there didnt find anything
so i drove us to Whyte Avenue and we went to Decadence
where i bought part of my costume, and a really awesome coat that i can't wait to wear, it was an impulse buy and i don't regret it. i have nothing else like it and i think its fantastic.

i came up with a good painting idea while in Art History today. i can't have time to stop and think think think
it will be the death of me

you're ok you're ok you're ok


this tidal wave of unwanted water is always in my mind. fearful that it might drown me. i watched The Hills without Daniel tonight. a week ago, we watched it together. a week ago his presence was in this house.

and you. you weren't affected at all.
i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok

i am a fool fueled by feelings and i wish it weren't so.
i asked "did you care about me?" wanting an answer to the question i asked myself years ago..
Joe said "of course i do"

maybe all it takes is to be perfectly real with a person. to stare them in the eyes and say, "fuck the small talk, i didn't come here to have small talk with you.."
there's tons of people i want to re-unite with and the pile is getting larger and it seems worthless most of the time, i don't like people.

but they are humans just like me who feel and bleed just like me so i don't care about the small talk. i want to know them, and i want them to know me, whoever they are.

i said to Joe, "you do right now?" and he said, "when did i ever say i don't??"

i say, "when did you ever say you did."

it's hard to believe i've known him for years. when i think about him i am mostly surprised at how i stumbled upon him as a friend and later a lover (but not really a lover), and then how things just sort of fell apart, but i never hesitated to talk to him, and although his reputation made me vulnerable, i never felt the way i felt around Conor. the way i felt around Conor (i feel weird using his name) was scary. i felt always scared, sometimes he'd look at me and his eyes would be big and i felt so little, or like something was wrong, i remember having this wave of worry.

i like to think i felt safe, but on some level i knew i really wasn't.

i was in my pyjamas and in my house the entire weekend and it made me think, "right now who would i call to hang out"
a) Breanne and b) Calvin
lately i've been feeling like i can go to Breanna again, which is a super good feeling because i really miss the friendship we had. but it made me think, i'm not a people person to begin with, and my list of "safe people", as i'll call it here (people i'm comfortable with) seem to be dwindling away. Heather's gone, Daniel's gone, and i would say Conor as well but i'm still pondering whether that was comfort or not.

i figure, all the people i was once comfortable with should be re-visited. there are so many people i could re-kindle things with.

i know this is dragging on but i can't help but want to figure people out and as much as i want to leave people behind, i've fucked things up more than once in the past and screwed things up so bad and at the time i didn't feel an ounce of guilt but now i realize how much i need those human relationships. i depend on people and it's healthy if the connection is healthy.

Leigha, i fucked things up with her because i was so insecure about myself i couldn't handle always being around someone who got so much attention. sometimes i can't believe how lucky i was to have a best friend like her and i gave it up for selfish reasons.
Nicole, i don't even know what happened there but i liked her presence and the fact that i didn't have to be someone else to be accepted. i don't even remember what i did that fucked things up and that's a sad realization... something was ruined because of something i don't remember.
Alison, Ali and the girls from junior high, i stopped talking to them because i decided one day they weren't worth the extra effort during high school. they saved me from the torments of junior high.
Joe, sometimes i find it so easy to forget about him because i always have it decided that he is a dead-end. i can't believe i not only hooked up with, but also maintained a friendship with the school's bad-ass. he surprised me a lot with his experiences and aspirations and he never once made me feel abandoned, no matter what he did.

the only things that have been keeping me sane in these past few days, are french films, school, and the fact that Baby and Boots sleep in my bed with me every night.
i think cats can sense when they are needed most and they mean the world to me

today was a good day,
the first day i actually felt comfortable in art class, and i liked our projects so they went well.
philosophy was a 50 minute blur as usual
then i got my usual bagel and went to the studio, where Jim was watching a Japanese film. we sat there in silence, me with my art history notes and him with his film.
soon after, Bryan joined us and we had a conversation about collectible toys and prints and movies. then it was class time.
we got our portfolio's back, i got a B. i handed it in knowing i could have worked on stuff, but i didn't , and now i have room for improvement for final portfolio. he assigned project 5 which is two magazine layouts. it's really exciting, i can't wait to get started on it. i was thinking of doing them on Andy Warhol, Coldplay or MGMT. Matt suggested i use Coldplay and say "Coldplay in warm colors" as my sub-heading.

the entire class, Greig was having midterm interviews with all of us so we didn't get much work done. Matt, me and Amanda talked about bilingualism in Canada and the States and things related to languages and that was probably a good hour and a half of discussion.

after class i took the LRT with Hannah and we talked and laughed. i'm starting to really love my art/design class.

they are a really rad group of people.

Boots is taking over my bed with his dirty paws, and now he is attempting to lay all over the keyboard. "oh you Bootsie," i say.

he's a nuzzler, he nuzzles my back and finally lays down with his head pensive on his paws.

i watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly this afternoon, it was just as good as the book. perhaps better.

last evening, i was all by myself. my happenings were as follows..
rose from my nap the instant my parents left
feeling unsatisfied, i was driven into the refrigerator and after a sip of diet pepsi my unsatisfication was left uninterrupted.
i looked at my art history notes that i had taken earlier, and was surprised by what i could remember.

Lion Head, 30 000-26 000 BCE, made from mammoth ivory during the paleolithic, shit shit shit location location... errr, um, Oh! something-Standel, Germany. Hohlnstein-Standel, Germany.
the image before that one is
Wall Paintings of bison, rhinoceroses, and aurochs, 30 000-28 000 BCE, paint on limestone in paleolithic, Chauvet Cave, France.

enough of art history, for now. back to my last evenings regime.

i sat on my bed for awhile hearing the hum of lappytop and the grey skies wanting to breathe down my neck i pondered and felt defeated and told myself i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok.
i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok.
i went for a drive first by the rehab center and then down the back streets where the road was not paved. it was raining. apparently that drive cost me a tire because it is now flat and we have to take it in tomorrow.

back at home i was in the same mind-set as before so i got high high
and my fuzzy socks were fuzzier than ever it felt and my knee joints were marshmellows.
then i watched my several episodes of Friends and Southpark
consciously laughing louder than normal to fill the emptiness in the wide open spaces
i ate lots of food.
hours later my parents are home
i'm in my room watching Amelie and i pause it at a part and attempt to paint
what the scene makes me feel.
i went to bed late.

i woke up
watched Diving Bell...
painted some more.

took a video.

i thought you didn't have a house phone

i'm so happy my best friend is open to new experiences
i'm so happy i live in a multi-cultural country
i'm so happy Amelie finished downloading

i get the warm, fuzzy feeling that He's proud of me. i will only wish good things to other people no matter what

me and Calvin did another "episode" of University of Alberta's Next Top Model!
check out the new photographs in the "[U of A]NTM" photo album on the right :)

it seems once you're finished updating and downloading every new version of every software on your computer, it's time to update and download the newer version. it's a never-ending cycle and if i wasn't so dependent on computers, i would boycott the whole idea.

speaking of boycott, the other day while in bed, i said "boycott boys". i'm not sure if anyone does this, but sometimes when i'm laying in bed i think about things and once in awhile i actually say the word out loud.

i was with Calvin today and we ran into Dave which was awkward, everytime i think of him now, i get this icky feeling like i wouldn't mind if i never saw his face again. Olivia said she saw him and he gets better looking everytime she sees him.. to each his/her own, i guess. haha. i really shouldn't talk though, beauty is in the eye of it's beholder and that proves very very true in context with my recent situations. recent as in the past few months now.

i was waiting for Calvin to finish in the bathroom and i looked in front of me and thought i saw Joe, an ex-lover (but not really a lover) who resembles Che Guevara, i thought for sure it was Joe but he doesn't go to the university so it wasn't, but at that exact moment i got a text message from him and it said

hey

and he never texts me. EVER. i've been having odd moments such as this one quite often actually. God's picking on me, perhaps.

please download Collie Man, Wiseman, and Closer To The Sun by Slightly Stoopid. please, you will thank me.

me and my mom watched Kite Runner tonight. it's a very humbling movie.
my heart, thoughts and ego were brought straight down into the ground.
my life is golden in comparison.
my life is so fucking golden

holy crazy tattooed blondie.

i just finished watching Memento. i am still trying to figure it out. like whoa the concept is out of this world, it's so innovative and the way the movie is set up, you get confused at first but the process is repeated throughout making it easier and easier to understand how things fit,
but then shit still gets fucked up because of how people have manipulated it
and part of the whole idea is repetition curing short term memory loss.

"I'm not a killer. I'm just someone who wanted to make things right. Can't I just let myself forget what you've told me? Can't I just let myself forget what you've made me do. You think I just want another puzzle to solve? Another John G. to look for? You're John G. So you can be my John G... Will I lie to myself to be happy? In your case Teddy... yes I will."

"It's just an anonymous room. There's nothing in the drawers. But you look anyway. Nothing except the Gideon bible, which I, of course, read religiously."

"I don't even know how long she's been gone. It's like I've woken up in bed and she's not here... because she's gone to the bathroom or something. But somehow, I know she's never gonna come back to bed. If I could just... reach over and touch... her side of the bed, I would know that it was cold, but I can't. I know I can't have her back... but I don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. I lie here not knowing... how long I've been alone. So how... how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can't... feel time?"

"If we can't make memories, we can't heal."

fuck yeah, go watch this movie immediately. i have to go start making memories, perhaps i'll heal..

i picked up my year book a few days ago and there's a picture of me in cosmetology sitting in the chair with my green jesus sweater and drinking tea.

classic Christine, i guess, captured and stored in her senior yearbook...

hello you.

i woke up this morning, a rainbow filled the sky.
no it didn't, really, i just like the lyrics to this song.

Daniel is currently residing in Holland and i'm ok with it for now.
i have 100 dollars. well maybe 105 dollars but whats the difference.

i bought pears on my way home from school today for art class.
i have to sketch 3 pears. things really do seem better when your own money goes into them.
i've never tasted a better tasting pear.

i wrote a story today on scraps left from my sketchbook.
my design prof, Greig, brought an old microwave into the studio for us to use, we were grateful.
a weight was lifted off my shoulders today, i was grateful.
my brother's plane took off at 2 pm today, i was accepting.
i drank apple tea and sat at the drafting table, looked to Amanda and said,
"was it the chinese who invented tea?"
"i'm not sure"
"... i dunno, i was just thinking"
"oh, i thought you were asking for an assignment, i don't want to give you wrong facts"
"yeah, no, i was just thinking. i think it was the chinese.."

and then i say, "well thank God for tea."

silence befell us, and 30 seconds later i say,
"you know, tea is like cigarettes for me, although i do smoke occassionally, it's like when something goes wrong, tea seems to make everything better"
"i know what you mean. i think i might have tea when i get home.. i'm excited just thinking about it"

in art, i handed in my portfolio and sketchbook, after i added a few more gesture drawings of the bustling students in my class.

i skipped philosophy because i didn't feel like leaving the cocoon that the studio has become for me.

in design, he told us we had a work period for our portfolio's. since mine and a few others were done, we signed them in and left. he didn't even introduce project 5, what a relief, because in art she gave us homework to go buy 3 pears and sketch them.

i've downloaded Skype, finally. and Andy Warhol's film named "Kiss" has finished downloading and it's everything i expected it to be. 54 minutes of random couples kissing.

Daniel's in the sky

when people leave all i feel is anger anger anger
and then i lock myself in my room and cry into my pillow

i voted today woohoo

i am in the process of downloading The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and Andy Warhol's film called "Kiss". i wanna download real avant-garde films and watch them over and over.

i got the movie Memento from Daniel's computer, and i can't wait to watch that.

i can't get enough of moving pictures. and my car. i feel so at ease when i'm sitting in my car with the doors locked... it's like nothing can touch me and i am in perfect harmony.

i just watched Helvetica with my brother. it's a documentary on the typeface called Helvetica, which i'm sure most people know. it was really inspiring, like i feel excited for my future and the path i've chosen so far.

this weekend was pretty good. friday was spent at the studio, saturday was spent at the studio, and once i got home was immediately bored so i drove to Breanne's where we picked up Calvin and they were going to a party i had no interest in so i dropped them off at this party and drove home around 11 :30. sunday was thanksgiving dinner, lots of good food as usual, good company as usual.. Father Len stopped by for about 5 minutes and that's a pretty accurate statement, i'd say. after lunch/dinner, i drove to Breanne's at 5:30 where we talked and attempted to study but we all know how that ends. we drove to Macs and bought 6 bucks worth of junk food which is a lot more than it sounds, and we ate it and watched Lord of the Rings where i fawned over Elijah Wood's resemblance to someone i know, and how Legolas is the epitome of the sensual man, and then we remembered the resemblance that Boromir has to someone who Breanne desperately wants to forget. we brainstormed halloween costumes.. i will be Bob Marley on the Halloween pub crawl, and me Mike and Breanne still have to decide what we'll be for the hall party on the 25th. i'm all for smurfs.

anyways, i left her house around 11:30, got home, had yet another sweet sweet necessary talk with my brother.

today i woke up and read the entire day, attempting to finish close to 200 pages of a book i have no idea what it's about. thank God for spark notes, that's all i have to say.

the family went to Famoso, a pretty accurate pizza place. i mean accurate as in the closest i've gotten to real Italian pizza not while actually being in Italy. so right on to that.
afterwards we stopped at my aunt and uncle's for coffee.. and grappa for those who like the taste of paint thinner :P

came home, watched that really good documentary that i'm excited to show people who i think will appreciate "A documentary about typography, graphic design, and global visual culture."

more positivity to note: i cleaned up some baggage lurking around in my technology, and i've decided to get my Italian passport. what for?

so i can live in Holland for three months this summer, and work.

me and Daniel have been having some great talks lately.

i don't need to document because i'm sure i will remember. it's not easy to forget those kind of moments.

im happy. and tired. little miss sunshine and sleep here i come

today i went to the studio at 10:30 in the morning. my art professor, Lisa, came at 11:30 to take a look at my portfolio and tell me what needed working on.

i left the studio around 7 pm.
i was there for 8.5 hours. it makes me smile just thinking about it. Bryan texted me at 9 when i woke up asking if i was in the studio 'cause he forgot his key. his girlfriend had to come back and give him his key. i found out the other day that him and his girlfriend own a house together and they're getting married next year. he's gotta be at least mid twenties. he wouldn't give me an answer when i asked how old he was once.

its cool to start to figure these people out. not necessarily figure them out, but see how they fit in my environment. i think i get along best with Hannah. we were so sick of the studio this afternoon, so we went for a drive. in my super Saab. i love that car.

by the way, i love that car. i love being on the road in a moving vehicle. by myself. it makes me smile, i feel like everything's alright. everything is alright though.

i remember near the end of grade twelve i had mounting joy within me because i felt i had a purpose. i had found something i'm good at, something i can work on, something i can grow from and with. and i recently discovered that feeling again. it's the most irreplaceable feeling and the best feeling, by far.

it's when a song just makes sense in the aura you're in at the time, or when the tea goes down so smoothly and good, or when the charcoal works the way you want it to (even when i end up getting charcoal all over my face), or when i realize what fucking awesome friends i have, or when i read lyrics to The Shins songs and decide that is ultimate perfection.

when a series of words come together and make me feel like the grass and the stars are one and i can lay on them both and sing sing sing sing sing and ride a red bicycle or draw something knowing full well that i suck at it, but i don't care i'm going to keep drawing and creating and thinking and figuring and loving and laughing and being who i was all along. those fucking sunflowers on the side of the road in that car with the tobacco smell and the most beautiful kids sleeping up against me in a beautiful country with beautiful history and beautiful air

it will always be there.

and i will always be here in my head where i can run through those fields and sing The Shins and drink green tea and converse with lost connections and stare at the sky

and realize this world is small and God is everywhere and He is always with me and listening to me and totally understanding me like no one will ever understand me.

at the end of the day, i have all this. i have everything at the end of my raw fingertips. i have all the words to sing and all the feelings to feel and all the moments to savour and remember. i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, i have a number one family.

i could write and write and write but my orange juice looks good and i want to drink it up.

drink it all up.

"what is it about art anyway that we give it so much importance. artists are respected by the poor because what they do is an honest way to get out of the slum, using one's sheer self as the medium. the money earned proof, pure and simple, the value of that individual, the artist. the picture a mother's son does in jail hangs on her wall as proof that beauty is possible even in the most wretched, and this is a much different idea than the fancier notion that art is a scam and a rip off.. but you could never explain to someone who uses God's gift to enslave, that you have used God's gift to be free."

i am so happy i watched Little Miss Sunshine. it's now one of my favorite movies.
it gave me such a good feeling of how necessary family is.

My favorite part was when Dwayne spoke for the first time in desperation and anger. he was my favorite character, too.

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

AND Little Miss Sunshine finished downloading! im so excited to watch it!!

and i think i'm going to go live in Holland for 2 or 3 months once school is done. i'm gonna miss my brother. but at least now i can go to Holland =)

well i basically just got home. today was a really pleasant day, nothing really to complain about.
got to school around 11, met with Breanna to give her my resume and we talked for a bit. i think me and her need to have a serious sleepover or something, just like old times. it would make me so so happy, i miss her quite a bit and every time i talk to her, i'm reminded of simple things in life, elementary and how much fun it was.

anyways, we parted ways and i went to the studio. Me and Hannah went to buy our portfolio board and brought it back to the studio and i had to leave my stuff there to go write my Philosophy midterm at noon. how fun.

i got back to the studio around 1 o' clock, and left at around 6:30. it was a lot of fun though. we played MGMT, Norwegian rap, chinese rap, and Matt's Peruvian music while we worked on our projects.

i just love how chill it is, we just sit there, do our projects, joke around, discuss things, listen to worldly music, all while we get to do these projects that maybe are frustrating, but a fucking whole lot of fun to do.

towards the evening it was only me, Bryan, Matt and Andrew and i ended up leaving around 6:30. i drove home with my heated seats, and now i'm here waiting for my Margherita pizza to warm up in the oven.

besides the fact that Daniel leaves on Wednesday, i love how things are going.

my break from studying the meaning of life.
my tea is cooling, my candle is a volcano on it's silver platter
providing a gradual heat for my fake sunflowers.

i haven't consciously drunken tea in a long time.
where you feel it in your mouth, you feel it down your throat
you feel it in your belly
getting rid of all the evil unnecessary feelings that lurk within it.
when i drink tea and smell that candle and wear this green sweater i am
brought back to a few months ago when my life was green. green tea, green candle, green sweater, burn incense.
i surprise myself everytime i meet someone new, how i so quickly evolve, adopting new ideas and leaving behind others.
i want to be mellow again, i want to drink tea and feel it dance in my belly
i want to listen to Bob Marley again and feel everything is alright.
i haven't in a long time.

i went for my first drive today. Heather told me to make it memorable. i didn't really, i picked up Mike and we drove around for about 5 minutes until i drove him back home.
i surprise myself everytime i'm with certain people, how much more alone i feel.

i think my second drive by myself will be my more memorable one. i'll drive towards the river. i'll find it somehow. maybe open the sunroof and listen to Enya or Amelie.

sometimes i stare at my fake sunflowers and ask myself what they do for me.

Bart Simpson played a game with me once, telling me to turn to certain pages of his book to find out the meaning of life. i never found out. the game was a joke. go figure.
i read my philosophy now and every page is an attempt at the meaning of life. Aristotle's theory is that if a human being is fulfilling it's function, it has achieved happiness. and whats our function? it's to be rational, apparently.
another, i concluded, is that an action is moral if it's brings a human being closer to it's goal/end. again, what is my goal or end?
my short term goal is to make it through the night, my long term goal.. well i don't really know what it is without being brought back to the initial question of
"what the flying fuck does it mean to be happy?!"

my personal theory is, who cares.
i wonder if Aristotle was really happy. i wonder if he made sure everything he did was rational, whatever the heck that ultimately means.

if it gives me a moments happiness to stick my finger in hot candle wax and see my fingerprints in return, is that fulfilling my function?
if it gives me a moments happiness to drink this tea, is that fulfilling my function?
if it gives me a moments happiness to put a smile on your face, is that fulfilling my function?

maybe these are all my functions. and maybe i need to do them all to make me happy.

how do you even gauge happiness and what it consists of? it's exhausting to think of.

my personal theory is, who cares. i hope someone smiles in return

well, my plate is completely full and i am prepared to tackle it.

tomorrow there's a show opening for a designer.. i can't remember her name. Greig, my professor, told us about it and said there'd be free food and cheap booze. he always tells us about these designer events, and i haven't gone to one yet. i have no time. it's pretty exciting for me, i find, that us design students get all the heads up for all these really cool events that are going on. i think once life starts settling down (if it ever will), i'll start going to some of these things. maybe meet new people. i don't know why i said that. i never really meet new people, i just like to entertain the thought that maybe i would.

anyways, i have midterm portfolio's due next Wednesday (same day my brother leaves =[ ), i have to start and finish a novel for Tuesday, i have to start studying for my philosophy midterm on Friday, and i have to fix up my essay that's due tomorrow.

i know where i'll be this weekend... in the studio, along with all my other art and design classmates working on the same things. me Hannah and Emily were talking the other day about getting Hannah's neighbours old couch to put in the studio. and Matt today suggested we get a disco ball so we can have dance parties on late nights.

things are starting to look up, i have to say, conversations are deepening with my fellow design students, i'm licensed, i'm awaiting a response from the job i applied to yesterday (starting at 11 bucks and is easy as pie!)

i still find myself thinking about you though

i'm going to find a Buddhist temple in Edmonton and go to it.

if you havent realized earlier, i've made a project list. things i am working on for myself.

here it is as it stand right now:

1) Project Room - goal is to make things flow nicer, more comfortable, arrange a place to put my laptop beside my bed since lately i can only fall asleep with a movie playing, and to create more space that allows me to CREATE!
2) Project Car - i've already hung my jamaican dude and the Virgin Mary from my rearview mirror, but it's distracting so i have to fix it, i have to decide on a name for her, and add knick knacks.
3)Project Shoes - goal is to finish painting the other side of my shoes with the same brown color i did the opposite sides with, and add some decoration or something.
4) Project Spirituality - goal is to start going to church more often, or look into other ways i could fulfill my spiritual hunger.
5) Project Exercise - goal is to start going to the gym more often, or else start going to yoga classes or something.
6) Project Box Painting - i've already collected 4 boxes (cereal boxes, kleenex boxes, etc.) and i'm going to paint them and maybe create some sort of shelving unit out of them.
7) Project Tea Posters - goal is to continue adding tea packets to my posters.. i'm currently working on the 4th.
8) Project Part Time Job - get that fucking student caller job because i need that money!

along with this, i'm going to continue discovering new music, i'm going to organize my school stuff, drink more tea, go out at least once every weekend, get my haircut, save for new glasses, buy new clothes from Gypsy Queen or thrift stores, download every movie i've ever wanted to see, get a new fish..

there's so much i've been wanting to do, and now that this big grey cloud over my head is gone (getting my license) i can finally do them all.

my life changed today.

i drove for about 20 minutes, he skipped half the test ('cause i did the full test run with my instructors a million times), and ten of those minutes were spent on one road getting through traffic.

we pulled into the driving school early, i thought he had cut it short 'cause i failed.

but i didn't. i passed my driving exam, and i couldn't be happier

i've started listening to Cocorosie again.. they make me feel like i'm Amelie. i love that movie, i need to buy it, it makes me feel good.

I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife
All i wanted was to be your housewife
I'll iron your clothes
I'll shine your shoes
I'll make your bed
And cook your food
I'll never cheat
I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet
And for a diamond ring
I'll do these kinds of things
I'll scrub your floor
Never be a bore
I'll tuck you in
I do not snore
I'd wear your black eyes
Bake you apple pies
I don't ask why
And i trys not to crys
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
And its nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to be a housewife
Is to be a housewife
'Cause it's nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to die a housewife
Is to die a housewife

i was up until 2 in the morning watching Freedom Writers.

i was hoping it would have changed my life.
or something.

instead, it made me look bum-chic today, and very very tired.

and it was awful and i hate Hilary Swank.

Breanna wrote this in her blog:

"FUCK #2) what the hell is going on with us right now? No matter how hard i try to fix things or make you see that i'm not going anywhere thats all you ever seem to think of me. I'm not going to disregard you, i've made a lot of choices to get me to where i am in this relationship with you, and for what? So you can continue to think that in the blink of an eye it will all be over? How many times do i have to look you in the eyes and let you know that i want to do this. If i felt like i wanted someone else i would have been gone by now. Look at what happened during the summer. I CHOSE YOU don't you get it? I want things to work but i begin to underestimate my intentions when u constantly think the worst in me. realize that you are good enough so we can move on. realize that i'm here when nobody else is and that you are the world to me. figure things out with ur family and tell them the truth! If they care then they will make an effort to change. you need to solve all those hidden issues before we can get past this and i know your strong enough to do that. I just don't want to lose you because you lose yourself. "


i know you're going to read this
and i know what you're talking about. although it's sort of the other way around... i'm not the one feeling that way, i'm the one making someone else feel that way..

i think i am the epitome of a SPAZ.

i shouldn't joke about it though, 'cause i seriously have some anxiety issues.

seriously.

i don't know why.

i hate sounding like this. i feel like i can;t do anything but cry,.

i need to talk to someone and i don't know who.

you put me in such a bad mood i end up hurting the people around me.

i hate being ignored, i hate not having control over my feelings
i hate being stifled
i hate that everything is for your own fucking benefit..
if i want to talk and you don't want to then we won't talk
if you want to talk we always talk because, well, i could never say no even if i wanted to.

it seems my flaws are always pointed out, and yes i do need to work on them
but that does not in any way mean you have nothing that you need to work on.

i'm tired of giving and not receiving.

i'm pretty sure my two favorite songs above all the rest are Wild Horses and No Woman No Cry.
i wish all my favorite artists did their own version of these songs..

i added more of my bookmarked websites over there under the "below zero" section, there's lots of cool things to see. and hear.

every Friday, me and Calvin are doing a new episode of (UofA)NTM, which stands for University of Alberta's Next Top Model.
it was born today, when we took a million pictures on the stairs of the North Power Plant where my studio is located.

it made me laugh, i really needed it. Calvin is an awesome human being.

October,
i like writing to you, i will address every blog of this month to you.
forgive my beating heart, my chewed fingers and my weak tear ducts.

i scribbled in Philosophy words, and near the end had a coughing attack where you feel an itch in your throat
and i had wished i filled my water bottle this morning. i coughed and coughed
and felt horrible, this bottomless icky feeling in the pit of my stomach like all things of comfort value could fall right through me. they did fall right through me.

i thought of everywhere and everyone i know that have given me a sense of comfort and i revisited them in my head and
nothing seemed good enough. nothing seemed worth the effort.

trying to fill this gap, i came up with reasons. perhaps i need to create this space i wish i had, maybe it's time to change my room again. or perhaps i've been trying to create the perfect person in my head, being let down to find out they aren't perfect, and i need to realize that no one is. or perhaps i have to become more spiritual.

i'm feeling ok right now. when i get my license next week, i intend to explore this city with the money i don't have. i will explore new music specifically for my adventures. i will continue doing things with my hands, and learning more about the people around me.

-Project Room
-Project Car
-Project Shoes
-Project Spirituality
-Project Exercise

anti-anxiety.

sorry October, i take that back,
perhaps you aren't so bad.
i can dance in your leaves.

sorry October, but so far, you really suck.

i bought an alarm clock today
i quit my job today
i get my license in a week
my brother leaves in two weeks
my confidence will hopefully improve as of November 7.

today me and Breanne studied at lakeside, then i got my pay cheque, we ate sushi at mount fuji where i lost my appetite, we drove to shoppers to get an alarm clock only to find out they didnt have any, so we went to Canadian Tire where i made the alarms beep and i bought an alarm clock.

i don't want him to leave..