despite the heat and anger, i have to mention that i successfully snuck out of my house last night, for the second time in my life.

in the country we sat on the hood of his car and watched the stars.. and even saw a shooting star. we talked, held hands and kissed and i couldn't have asked for a more perfect night.

oh it's so bloody hot out.

it makes me more lazy than usual. i tried watching Fear and Loathing for the second time today and fell asleep 3 quarters in. i can't seem to finish that movie. i'm not sure what it is.

i feel constantly tired and i don't want to do anything. i still have to pull my suitcase out and begin to pack. i have so much to do but i feel like i'll be packing an hour before i have to leave. it's horrible. i'm horrible. i am feeling very reluctant to do anything. like i could lay and swing on our new swing bench thing all day long. i think i may lay out there tonight for a few hours.
my mom is way stressed out because the only things that come out of her mouth are complaints about me. everything i seem to be doing is wrong and i'm a slob and i haven't gone to the gym in 2 months. i'm seriously contemplating hiding in a ditch when it's time to leave tomorrow.

one thing that pisses me off the most about my mother is her melodramatic attitude, like how she talks about her unsatisfying life and how no one gives a shit about her.. or like the time we went out for dinner for my 18th birthday and it was straight from a movie, the way she refused to speak because no one cares about what she has to say and how she made the whole dinner awkward because it was obvious to everyone the way she was holding back tears. i can't stand when she cries. another thing, is how she talks about how a good girl i was when i was young, and how my parents knew i'd be such a success, and how i was so energetic. whenever she talks like that, i am completely lost as to what childhood she is talking about because as far as i know, i have been a spoiled brat with no compassion for everyone ever since i could open my mouth and speak. so i end up sitting there with my jaw open, trying to recall this time where i was such an "angel". ughfuidgbifubguiergbihge

i will go insane.
i am to the point where whenever she criticizes me, i can't help but laugh. i just find it hilarious now, and i don't even know why. i am more than 100% sure that my lack of confidence in anything, whether it's driving or even socially interacting with people, is the result of the way my mother treats me.

it's a sad realization and Breanne has pointed it out more than once that my mom has an unbelievable amount of control over my life. it is because of her that i turn down social outings and events and i've become such a homebody/hermit. it is her who i think of first when someone asks me to hang out, or to go somewhere, or to do something, because i know that i'm scared to death to ask my mom permission to do anything. i remember two years ago i went out a few nights in a row during spring break to movies, or restaurants or friends, and she picked me up one day and called me a night slut.

fuck i didn't even expect to write this much about it and now i feel like chucking this laptop against the wall in frustration, anger and resentment to the way the most important years of my life have been affected by my mother. it's something that's irreversible and that bothers me

so much.

i'd say 50/50

shopping with my mother is always unnerving. i can't understand, a lot of the time, the brains behind Sears and The Bay.
i needed to look for sandals. and my mom kept pointing out those ones and these ones and the ones over there until i told her that everything in that place was tacky and that i wanted Jesus sandals. she asked me what those were, and i just said "sandals that Jesus would wear."

another thing that i don't like about my mom, is how condescending she can be. she's the epitome of a customer that would ruin my entire day. and i hate being associated with her when she's like that. she gives people a hard time if their service is lacking and i'm usually a little more lenient when it comes to that so i end up being nice to the people and she's the one being bitchy to them and i feel like such a TOOL.

last night was good. me, Breanne, Emily, and Olivia (basically the regulars) went to Halo only to find that half our grade was there also. i felt lame.
but we technically started the party, since it takes so long to pick up at Halo, and we just wanted to dance.
we then drove to Conor's where we put to use his new hookah with 3 pipes. and then we left.
and then we honked.
and then i let spontaneity rule my actions.

which i was really glad for, but perhaps i'm expecting too much...

i want to read now.

Kenny Wormald is my favorite. check it out at 0:24.. my favorite part.

downloaded Hot Chip, Coldplay, M.I.A., N.E.R.D., Santogold, and Jack Johnson albums. i am in the process of downloading The Veronica's.

i will need as much dance-y music as i can get for the next few months of hectic-osity.

this is my 1030th post.

i was engineered by GOD

oh hello.

i'm somewhat distraught. oh man i'm getting anxious. anxious like i do in airports. like i do when i need to go somewhere and half-wanna and half-don't-wanna.

do the classifieds sell mind-sets? because i need to set my mind differently.
i don't mind which or what or who or where, i'll skip the A's 'cause i don't want anxious.
when i don't have anything i wish i had some, and when i have some i wish i had none. it's difficult to pick and choose with options galore which i find in the two. i like the one i last talked too. and perhaps i'll leave and come back with a third.
the similarities are similar and the differences different, all the same in comparison to the last.
i hope i won't let this time go by fast.
for once i need to abandon intensity and just live
and find and breathe and walk
and lay and sing and talk
and dance.

i'll write until my hand falls off
dance until my top moves up
photograph until my eyes hang down
kiss until i can't kiss no more
the trees, the humidity, the apples in the orchards
i'll carve the rocks in the mountains like i always do,
dip my toes in the lake like i never don't.

it's such a dragged out time. i know i'll get ansy and anxious
hearing people talk in the town below
knowing i'm up in my room with the dim lights and only my journal to comfort me. it happens all the time. i'll go out and come in hours of fun later, and want the morning to come fast so i don't have to realize how really all alone i am in this place that i seem to love coming back to. i'll bury my head in books and watch FRIENDS on my iPod for comfort.. pretend i am back in my bed trying my hardest to sleep. but can't. and won't. and shouldn't. because there's so much more i can do with my time. i'll sit on the balcony and watch the moon that isn't visible to any of the contacts on my cell phone. i'll sleep on the balcony where Nonna hangs my clothes to dry. i'll be 8 hours ahead of everyone else for only 5 weeks. for a long time 5 weeks. see time, see sounds, see it all in the pictures i will take.

sometimes i lay awake in bed, my bed, and hear the neighbours dog. close my eyes and place myself in Italy, when the dog barks at night. i really put myself there, so when i open them again, i see the furniture that isn't really there, the window and curtains that aren't there either.

it's always a hard time, for me, i find. to leave. i want to so badly. God knows how foolish i am to think 5 weeks is such a long time, but everyone knows how right i am to think 8 hours is such a long distance.


i hope someone reads this

SOS

i updated the twilight zone album

i am sitting here while my brother talks to Heather on the phone right next to me. arguments are probably more stressful to listen to than to be a part of, i've concluded.

when watching Fawlty Towers, sometimes i get absolutely frustrated because a lot of the comedy comes from misunderstandings, and to see it right in front of my eyes and not being able to do anything about it gets frustrating. and it results in me turning off the show. although i love it dearly, and i love John Cleese dearly as well.

well they made up and now I have to unwillingly listen to a band who i think is awful.

yay

why? to the Sufjan Stevens on my iPod, to whom I don't even listen.

i'm so bored.
i had a point to this, i swear. but i feel like it's better if i don't address it,

hmmm, i wish i had 80 GB on my pod. i want to dance right now.
i'm gonna go sing loudly now

so I just got back from my second 1st date with Timothy David Van Vliet aka Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, and it was a blast.

it's weird because on March 24th, I had a first date with Dave. I ran into him this weekend at Vinyl, and today we went on a second date that should have happened 3 months ago. so i called it our second first date. he picked me up from Breanne's at 6:15 and we got to the Telus World of Science around 7:15 because we got lost, which i thought was pretty cute. anyways, it was really interesting and i couldn't have asked for a better date.

when he dropped me off at home, we hugged, and as i was about to open the door i said "you didn't even kiss me." and he said "i wasn't sure if you were scared your parents were watching." and as i looked out the window to see if my parents were there, he said "who cares" and he grabbed my head and kissed me! it was definitely sexy. and i noticed that he kisses my forehead right before we part ways. at the club, we kissed and before he left he kissed me on the forehead and he did the same tonight. of course, he then messed up my hair as usual, and he drove away.

i'm half-glad and half-bummed that i'll have 5 weeks ahead of me to seclude myself from this place and just weigh out my options and think..

May 5, 2008

I wouldn't say it's how you take a picture, it's what you take it of. Just looking at Ali Bosworth's photos makes me realize why I can't come up with something absolutely stunning. my surroundings are always the same. i take a million pictures in my mind every day, but i am without a camera. his pictures are just everyday things, but it's how he lives his life that make the photos so awesome. the red head in the backyard wouldn't be so pretty without the beat up garage in the background with peeling paint and vines taking it over. perhaps this building just happened to be there. my surroundings seem so uninteresting most of the time. i want to leave and do something awesome. being in st. albert the other night got my mind racing. it seemed so beautiful,
i wanted to be there in that park with those people, capturing their every expression and reading their every thought. i don't think i'll ever stay put. i get high from being in new places. London will be fabulous and all i need is my camera. i'll take 100 pictures a day. ones that capture that pure happiness thati'll feel from being anywhere but here. i love here, too. and that's what my mind can't grasp. i am such a homebody, yet i wish to be other places.

--- Boo it's April 30, 2008. I wonder where i will be 5 years April 30's from now. maybe even 10. will i even be alive. i will be, until i die. Coldplay has a way. how do they even come up with these masterpieces? how does one even start?
i hope one day i can paint pictures with my words and later take pictures of them.

"When I think of you,
I'm rolling on laughing floors.
The world was so clear."

---April 27

Today i realized my full dependence on music. my day started off really well. i was in a decent mood until noon when i was getting aggravated and irritated by everything at work. i wanted people to predict my path and steer way clear from it. once at home, i slept for not as long as i would have liked. Grumpy. in the car i listened to Coldplay, and i concentrated and all of a sudden my mood was.. restored. it's like vertain music is my reminder of my chosen lifestyle, bringing me back when i began wandering to negative places.

i like where this journal is going. i like where my life is going right now as i write this. it won't last forever, so if i ever read these particular lines again, i hope i remember this feeling. so long.

--- April 22
situational traffic. sometimes i am so happy with myself just because of what i've been able to do with my bedroom. it's not even a bedroom anymore. it's like four walls that hibernate scents and thoughts and memories. its my sole comfort, my balcony over-looking th universe.. my hammock in the sun.
..

---April 21
I can;t sleep. the day is for sleeping. the weather sucks. at night i want to live. i thrive on night time. when all is quiet... not seeing outside allows my own imagination to see what it wants. perhaps because it's night, i am not exposed to the vastness of nothing that surrounds me.

Cardigan. there are some words in this language that i absolutely love. i'm not sure what it is... maybe its the image of a bust London... grey, red, blue.. buttons so small but very significant. cardigan. all in the word cardigan. if i was wearing a cardigan i would feel that extra confidence that i lack.
...

i re-arranged my room again

my brother's and Heather's graduation. i was not there. i was in a computer lab writing an english diploma. how fun.

i spent $625 today.

here is an un-brief list of what i bought.

from Urban Outifitters-
-2 flowy tank tops
-Diana+ camera
-a really sweet grey little jacket-y thing (my splurge of the day!)
-the brown leather knapsack i've been eyeing for one week
-a Random Dawdle mousepad
-black headband
-blue shoes

from Old Navy-
-2 pairs of flip flops
-bathing suit
-pear scented solution and bamboo sticks
-black bathing suit
-3 pairs of shorts

from BananaRepublic-
-an orange striped shirt

from H&M-
-a brown summer dress
-striped capri pants

from Aldo-
-the coolest yellow wallet

and then at Heather's, she gave me a whole bunch of books i can read on the plane and stuff. i am so excited to buy film for my camera though. it's a "loving recreation of the legendary 1960's all-plastic cult camera."

cool beans. it was the most successful shopping trip in 18 years.

fucking 4th post.
i love pictures.

PS I Love You

was an awful movie. yes, i cried. and i have realized that when i cry in a movie, it had some sor tof impact on me. but this movie did not leave me with a good feeling at all. it made me feel hopeless and depressed.

wow what an awful movie. i didn't feel uplifted or inspired, it seemed to be there, but for the wrong reasons and i don't even know what.

i feel like crap.

i want to see a movie where Gerard Butler doesn't die! why must the epitome of a man die in movies?!

that isn't even the point, maybe. he reminds me of someone and maybe that is why i feel the way i do about this movie.

hopeless, icky feelings. icky

i almost forgot. while on Jasper ave, i found graffiti that said "SAMO". i freaked out and took a picture on my cell phone.

Basquiat, the graffiti artist who worked under Andy Warhol, has been known by tagging walls and objects with SAMO in the 70's.

i thought it was miraculous to find SAMO tagged on a wall in my own city

well well kiddies.
i am finally home after an unusual weekend and i have lots to say.

it started with Friday when i wrote my very feared and very loathed Chemistry 30 diploma AH! which i thought was pretty good, but i always think everything's good when it really isn't. anyways, i went to Breanne's but we stopped at my work to pick up these books that Conor is letting me borrow, and then we bought chicken to make wraps, i bought Orangina, and then we bought Bacardi Breezers. we walked to her house and we began the torment that the mirrors provide us with. many a times have i been at Breanne's getting prepared for an outing where it could take literally 3 hours for us to decide our appearance was adequate enough. i am always the one worried about my hair and she's always the one worried about her clothes. i end up wearing her clothes most of the time, and since my clothes are made up of a combination of people's wardrobe's (mostly Heather's and Daniel's) I always realize that the only thing that i wear that actually belongs to me is my underwear. i quite like the vagabond aspect of it.

anyways, we go to Northgate and meet up with Alyssa around 7:30 and we take the bus downtown and go to Co Co Di for some strawberry margherita's and strawberry sheesha. Olivia, Emily and Brandon join us and we're all having a good time. we leave and walk to Churchill to see the closing down tents that were selling artsy things. we walked up the stairs, and laid down on the ledges and i realized that Edmonton is actually a really nice city. depending where you are, i guess... i love downtown and whyte avenue. it started to get rainy so Emily drove me and Breanne to Oil City (puke in my mouth) where i danced with a cheesy cowboy, danced the cadillac ranch on stage, and danced with this other guy named Phil or Will who i bolted away from as soon as the last note was played of the song.

i told Breanne i hate dancing with guys. i've never enjoyed it and i always feel restricted because i like to think i'm a good dancer, and i don't do the same move for a long period of time. and until i can find a man who knows exactly what rythyms i'm planning to accent at what times, then he is the man for me. anyways, me and Breanne ditched and went to the globe instead, where i admitted to my poor self that Top 40 clubs make me wanna wiggle. ha

we were sweaty and hot and hot and sweaty and then we left around 1:30. i called Heather and she picked me up. once i got to her place i went straight to bed.

the next morning i woke up around 10 and Heather made breakfast and then we went to Big Al's, a fish store. she had to pick up some stuff for her fish that we're taking care of while she's in Holland and before i know it, i'm looking for a Siamese Fighter Fish for myself. Heather bought me a red siamese fighter fish and a little froggy for my graduation present and i couldn't have asked for anything better. the fish is named Penelope, and the frog is named Heather and they are swimming around right now in my old school fishbowl on my bookshelf. how lovely. i love them.

after Big Al's, we drove to Pagolac (mm vietnamese food...) and met my brother there for lunch. he left for the dentist and she drove me home and we set up my new underwater friends. i was home for about 2 hours setting up the fish, showering and packing my bag because i had to leave once again.

i was at Breanne's around 4:30 and i got high in her backyard. we left around 6:30 to go to the Matthew Good concert which started at 8. i didn't know a lot of his new songs, but he played old ones and that made for an exciting concert.
later we LRT'd to downtown with hopes of meeting Olivia Emily and Cherie at Vinyl.

the next thing is the highlight of the night.
me and Breanne roll in line and about 5 seconds later i turn around and explode with happiness because standing there was Moccassin Boy aka Heather Ledger aka Dave from Halo!!!! (see previous entries if you have no idea who i'm talking about) .i had not seen him since the end of March when we went on a date for bubble tea. i remember we had an awesome time, he was one of the most refreshing people i had ever met. and he has the best sense of humour i've come across thus far. anyways, we're chatting and stuff, i didn't think anything would come out of this meeting, except that i met his long haired grungy sexy friend Adam who i kept mistaking for Anthony because of his crazy resemblance to Anthony Kiedis of the red hot chili peppers. anyways, this is dragging on but here is the other highlight of the night:

i loved dancing with Dave (whose real name is actually Timothy David Van Vleet ha!) he is such a good dancer, and when we danced, it was fun and really really sexy.... and it didn't drag on for a whole song, we would grind for a bit but then it would stop and that's what i loved. our dancing was not MADE of grinding! he twirled me around a lot which i thought was cute. then he turned me around and i avoided his face the whole time and i think he was getting frustrated because he just grabbed my face and made out with me right there! Olivia was laughing at me, as she saw the whole thing happen, knowing i'm against any making out while dancing. later on however, she ended up hooking up with Adam. and Breanne hooked up with this english major guy (she somehow always ends up with English majors) whose name is Dan, and i met Dan's friend Darren who graduated from the university of alberta a few years ago in graphic design. i told him he looked like a designer, and that that was the reason why i asked what he did. he resembled Chris Martin.

me and Dave are planning to go see Body Worlds on Wednesday if he could get the car. he left and before he left he messed my hair up several times, kissed me on the lips and then on the forehead and then he was gone. ps, he is a very good kisser. i've kissed people who either had it too wet or too dry, but his was perfect. and i was not drunk! so i could not have been imagining any of this.

it was so weird. but so .. comfortable. i'm actually happy we went on that date and didn't go further, and just sent random friendly text messages, because now i feel so much more comfortable with him.

anyways, Oliva drove us home in Cherie's car, since she was passed out on the window, and Emily was passed out on my shoulder. i was so hungry (seeing as i ate only half of my vietnamese food at noon, and had munchies that i didn't satisfy earlier) so we went to McDonald's and left after we realized we'd be there forever. on our way out of the parking lot, Cherie threw up outside the car, and then Emily had to throw up outside the car. it was crazy. we dropped Cherie and Emily off and then Olivia drove us to Breanne's where her new burgundy Sunfire was sitting outside fresh from Vancouver. she went in and stole the keys and we went for an illegal drive (seeing as she only has her Learner's), and then we finally went to McDonald's to satisfy our hunger. Olivia ended up sleeping over and we finally slept at 4:30. i woke up at 8:15 and Olivia drove me to work for 9. i worked until 5.

and i am here, wondering why i wrote this massive blog, and why i made it sound so teeny-bopper.

well i feel like i needed to, because i haven't had some satisfying lovin' in a long time and i feel the need to document it here.

i just wanna dance,

Friday - chemistry diploma, Breanne's, hang out with Stephane, possibly hookah bar, then he's going to drive me home.

i don't want to say anything about this matter. but i feel it necessary to admit that i miss him. i also told him that last week and he agreed that we could hang out and talk but dating isn't for him right now. fine by me, i'm leaving in less than 2 weeks. perhaps i have become gutsy. as if the first time i admitted to my wanting him AND the rejection that followed wasn't enough, i had to tell him again this semester, to be rejected again. but this time it was nicer and it didn;t involve him "giving it another go" with someone else.

Saturday - Matthew Good with Breanne, and later on going out to drink and dance and hopefully meet up with Olivia and co.

Sunday - work 9-5 and perhaps hang out with Conor afterwards.

Monday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Tuesday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Wednesday - reading comprehension. i can't comprehend reading. hang out with heather? pack for italy!

Thursday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Friday - work 4-close

Saturday - Sasha's pub crawl perhaps? if he makes up his damn mind about whats happening for it haha. if not, just Halo with Breanne, Olivia and Co. and others whom i invited like Janet Noodle who i haven't seen since Grade 9.

Sunday-Tuesday - get prepared
Wednesday - LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK

until August 7!

woman president, black president.. i say, gay president!

so i've successfully downloaded M.I.A and N.E.R.D
i'm into acronyms that aren't really acronyms.

I am in the process of downloading Basquiat. that movie that i can't find anywhere about that American graffiti artist who died at 27 from heroin overdose.. his mentor was Andy Warhol and his stuff is really cool. anyways, i hope the movie downloads fast so i can marinate my brain in it.

i am a sucker for the internet. i could spend hours on end just looking up people and art and design and music. i found some cool stuff from the Aritzia website. the bands are as follows: Santogold, Yelle, Cut Copy, Foals, The Ting Tings.

i love how some of my favorite stores are huge supporters of art and design and culture. urban outiftters is a big one for that.

hours go by superfast this way.

i have come inside from the outside.

i'm going to clean out my iPod. i want to go shopping this weekend. i leave in two weeks.

but i really want to slough off the baggage. starting with my iPod.

i just want to say right now, that to
MAKE BETTER
one must MAKE SHIFT.
instead of a coffee table, why not a pile of magazines? instead of a mousepad, why not a book? instead of a garbage bin, why not a cardboard box? instead of excessive bed sheets, why not a single blanket? instead of wallpaper, why not a bed sheet? instead of a canopy, why not a blanket?

as i looked at my cluttered coffee table the other day, i realized that i can clean my room over one hundred times, but i would not be satisfied without a little pile of clutter to provide comfort and coziness. i like the lived in look. like when you move into a new place and you place the furniture wherever, without much thought, and when you really look at it it's perfect where it is, even if it doesn't line up with the baseboards, or it's a little crooked or cracked.

my bedroom is my baby, it is everything that i am. i am everything that it is. i cry in this room, write in this room, laugh in this room, lay in this room. it is my country. where i can re-arrange my brain by re-arranging this room. i make sure the lighting is perfect, that it looks lived in. that i leave my blanket a mess once i wake from my couch. that notes are scribbled and stuck onto any hard surface available.

it's the way i think dictated into something tangible that you can see and move and breathe.
it's because of that, that i started taking pictures of my room whenever i move anything. i re-thought something i placed there in the past and changed it to fit the present.

ever since i was able to move furniture, i did it. despite my room that resembled a closet. it made me happy and it made me excited when i thought of how i could get my room to go with how i felt.

for now, MAKE-SHIFT is the keyword in mind.

i reconnected with my kindergarten teacher. who lives in Fresno California. is it normal to wonder how i can mooch off every person i am in contact with?

i told Breanne today that i am an awful person. there's more to this story. it got lost in a 2 hour conversation.

i wrote in the father's day card that i love my dad. and i love how he's the comic relief in our stressful lives. he doesn't even mean it. he's just the short white haired italian man who loves nature more than his own wife.

i haven't written a Haiku in soo long. i think it's time for one right now.

No voice to sing with
Is scratchy with frustration
I'll sing tomorrow.

i want to sing so bad. i love singing. i'm awful, but i love to sing. Behind The Moon by Matt Costa is a must download. get Mr Pitiful as well.

im tired of writing already.

i worked yesterday until 11:30 and then Conor drove me to Breanne's house where her house and yard were bombarded with people. i helped her invite people throughout the whole day, for this last minute party event. It was a lot of fun. I spent the majority of my time with Calvin, Breanne's gay best friend who i've met once and talked on facebook excessively. he was amazing to spend time with. Tyler was there, and later passed out and left way after we had fallen asleep, Chia was there, Carol was there, Cam and Braden were there, Miranda showed up, Courtney, Mitch and Laski, and Madison too, who also stayed until around 4:30, Sasha who was passed out and replaying that Paper Planes song by M.I.A. over and over and over... Ryan and his brother, Andrew Kidd , Mike, Keith.. Olivia, Emily Alice and Calvin. there had to have been at least 50 people who passed through. it was pretty sweet, very chill. i smoked up with Emily and Olivia for the first time. and also with Cam for the first time. which was not a good idea because I had a sore throat to begin with. i am left with almost no voice.

we started kicking people out at 4:00, and Cam and others were still hanging around at 4:30-5. Sasha slept in the hall outside Breanne's room where I was sleeping.

anyways, me Breanne and Courtney had to wake up at 9 to get to Chemistry diploma prep. in the HUM room at school for 10.. equipped with day old clothes and coffee. my shirt including a cranberry juice stain.

me home and slept after 3:30.

i leave for London/Italy in 2 weeks and three days. my whole sleeping schedule has been backwards since Safe Grad. many times this past week i've went to bed late, whether I was making an Insomniacs Anonymous group on facebook with Breanne and talking to her on the phone at the same time, or I was talking to Pablo for hours on end. and yesterday being Friday, i finally slept at 5, which means that's the second Friday in a row that I went to sleep after .

next friday i have chemistry diploma, and I'm sure Breanne might have another party, or else we might just go out.

and the following Friday i work 'til close, but that's ok because i'll be going out on Saturday one last time before i leave to Italy on the following Wednesday!
there's my schedule for the next 2 weeks.

keep up with me for once.

sitting here with this lappy top and singing loudly to Coldplay videos is more than i can ask for this hour of the day.

i can't be more excited than i am right now.
i still may not have a vehicle at my disposal, or even a license for that matter.
but when i know i've found my niche in life for the right now
and when i know that my life from this moment on is only going to flourish like it never has before (unless, of course, diploma's decide to ruin it all for me), i look so forward to not only my absense from this city for the majority of the summer, but also to september, when i can BE ME.

i found out today that God loves me.
it was in the newspaper.
in an article on Coldplay.
delivering the awesome news that their tour date in Edmonton is postponed to later this year WHAAA????
this could be my chance to be IN TOWN to see them live!

i've been feeling like these events were completely unnecessary. where a graduation was never the thing i looked forward to for 13 years. where a graduation is not needed for me to feel accomplished, or completed, or older. is it weird that all it was to me was a physical reassurement of something i was already reassured of? it's like people need an extravagant event to know that they've made it. high school was nothing special for me simply because i made a lot of aquaintances and not enough lifelong friends. and i didn't try, either, knowing lifelong friends are people you stumble upon when you aren't even trying.

this series of events were far from the best time of my life. the best times of my life were when i found out my portfolio was good enough to go to post-secondary with, when i wrote journal entries that were true to my feelings, when i finished reading an awesome book, when i watched awesome movies, when i realized my morals, when i talked to God, when i traveled to places i couldn't share with anyone else, when i drew in ink, when i walked with my cats, when i danced in my room or danced in a crowd, when i captured things on camera or when my brother made me laugh.

to be honest, i felt unnatural in a fancy dress, like i was an imposter or trying to be someone else. i thought a true celebration of something would require no dress code or no set schedule. i went along with it. people couldn't believe i was in a dress and heels.

and tonight, i'd rather sit in and watch an awesome movie.

perhaps i don't see the reason in sharing anymore.  i've come to realize that what i've been feeling and going through is beyond words, and so i don't feel pressure to try to explain it.  mid-sentence, i just stop and tell myself.. its ok if the person doesn't actually know exactly what its like to be in my shoes at this moment.  i decide to just leave it in my head and in my heart where it really matters.

which is why i won't even try to explain to you how amazing my life seems to be going. i find that when i don't stress about things, everything falls into place. for example, when i bought my graduation dress, i didnt really stress over getting the absolute perfect one. i just got the first one that looked decent and everytime i try it on i love it even more.

also, i am accepted to the Bachelor of Design program at the university of alberta.. i'm enrolled in all my classes which consist of:

fall term

art

design

philosophy

fuck it. i don't even want to write what my classes are because i feel like it's so irrelevant to whoever it is that is reading this. i'll just keep it inside.

for some real substance, however, i will add that whenever i tell people what i'll be doing next year, they always look at me funny and ask "so what exactly is that?  what will you be doing?"  it's like people around here are so accustomed to those 9 to 5 jobs like doctors and dentists and teachers that when they hear someone doing Design, it's like their minds are so simple and box-y that they have absolutely no clue!

anyways, im on my brothers new 24 inch iMac which blows my mind.  but i get his laptop so it's pretty awesome.

i leave in less than a month to LONDON and then ITALY

and today i got my Bloc Party tickets for September 9!

woohoo

i had a meeting yesterday at the U of A with the art and design councilor and everything's pretty peachy.  we talked about my brother, and Heather and how the Printmaking facilities at the u of a are top of the line... which was later confirmed by my brother.'

i'm just really excited to be where i belong next year, you know?  my brother said i'll be staying long nights at the studio, and that i'll become like family with the people in my studio classes and i'll meet awesome people and go to the bars with them and my eyes will be opened up to a completely new lifestyle. my brother was speaking from experience. 

and although my schedule's seem like a complete joke, it's going to be hard hard work. and frsutrating too. but i know i will totally love it. if i can listen to music and be creative, i know i will enjoy every minute of it. thats what i love about art and design, if you don't understand something one way, you can use your creativity to work around it and figure out a way to do something differently.  you can't do that stuff when it comes to sciences or math.  

i am just retardedly and ridiculously excited for my future endeavors.