so today went something like this... i woke up at 10 and got myself ready i walked outside with Coldplay in my ears and i set up my chair in the snow. the snow was too deep so i went back inside and waited for my brother to help me he was eating breakfast and i told him the weird dream i had last night: it was a competition in big brother, and they were working together in their couples as usual for one of the competitions they were given a marijuana plant and they had to roll as many joints as they could and they had to smoke half each there were other parts to the competition, so this stage of the competition was to fuck them up so bad that it would be difficult to complete the other tasks. my brother laughed at me and said i watch big brother too much and i smoke too much weed. and then i went back outside and finished some of my chair photoshoot for my portfolio. and then i came inside later and worked on my Zenism free press ad that will also be going into my porty. it looks wicked cool.

just sitting here downloading some songs that i have been meaning to download for some long while... fugees.. the roots.... tony bennett.. Once soundtrack...

hmmm
i think it's probably one of the most frustrating things when you want to download songs and they just won't download.

right now i have a big cloud of anxiety floating above my head simply because i have a mental script of what i have to tell him on the phone tonight.

i am going to be straight-forward with him because he probably thinks i'm just an 18-year-old he can just brush off.

well that is most definitely not the case! i am completely serious about this situation and i am going to tell him that if he wants to be friends, he's going to have to make a conscious effort to do so. and if he's just saying that to be friendly, he can spare me, because i've heard it all before and i just want to know the truth and if it means he doesn't even want to be friends, so be it.

i hate having to wait around for my feelings. i hate having to put them on hold until we have a chance to "talk" or "discuss" because i either want to continue something, or let it go. and having to wait and wait with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn't help me get unattached to you.

BAH guys can be ridiculous sometimes. he told me that he might be going to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend. i asked if they were dating again. he said no and that its complicated.

and then i got angry. i mean, if you truly love somebody, things don't have to be complicated! i told him straight up that his situation doesn't have to be complicated. it's not like anyone's dying here! unless she's confused about her sexuality or something. but i highly doubt she's a bisexual or lesbian.

and even if it means me and him aren't together, i'd rather have him be with someone he loves. but for fuck sakes, stop making things more complicated than necessary! long distances shouldn't matter when it comes to love. actually, nothing matters when it comes to love.

and i just need to tell him that. and make him decide.

now that i have that off my chest (well not completely until i actually tell him this), i can enjoy this music. i just need to jot down important points on a piece of paper before going on the phone.

on another note, i have a soulmate. his name is Pablo. and he is my best friend.

as for my legality, i will be putting it into use very soon because for a couple years now i have been saying that i won't get tattooed because i change my mind so much and i would get tired of it fast.
but i have found the perfect tattoo for this syndrome! it's a brushstroke circle. the zen symbol for infinite. representing the perfect meditative state and enlightenment. i even told my brother about it. i can't wait. but i am still unsure when i am planning on getting it done...

and it's totally me!

i am having a blast.

despite my rise and fall in the past month in terms of falling for someone, i am having so much fun.
i am finally becoming confident with what i want to do in my future and it's all coming together.

i hope i can get my portfolio done in time because i would be the happiest person on Earth. but then again, even if i don't get my portfolio done, i'll be able to take a class at the U to get it done.

and tomorrow i am going to give Vitto an important phone call.

good day.

Monday, Feb 25, 2008
You could be starting to feel a lot tougher and smarter today. And this ought to give you just a taste of all the growth and opportunity that you're likely to be experiencing very soon. So just try to stop worrying about everything and leave the past behind. It's time to get ready for all the new opportunities that could soon be headed your way.

Your days of being taken advantage of may be fading. You’ll probably want to feel respected and appreciated right now, and you may no longer be willing to just sit by and let others take the credit for all your efforts.

i've finallly brought myself to the University of Alberta website to look at what else i could be doing with myself besides Design.

i have come up with the following things in the faculty of arts:
-Film Studies - Creative Writing - Philosophy - Art & Design - Religious Studies-

today i discovered Billeting. living with a family in a different city to go to school. i am considering this because i really want to go to Calgary. it's really a scary thought... living under someone else's roof and following their rules.. and to add to that, i'll be in a new city where i know nobody.

but then i recall the feeling i got when i watched the Academy Awards last night. the highlight, i think, was when they pulled Markéta Irglová back onto stage so she could say her acceptance speech for the award won for Once (amazing movie and soundtrack, by the way).

there is no way to say this in an un-cheesy fashion, but i felt as if she was speaking directly to me. from the Kodak Theater through the television and into my living room, she was looking me straight in the eyes and talking to me. i'll even admit to the tears which began to well up in my eyes.

"the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, is just to prove that no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible, and you know, fair play to those who dream and don't give up. and this song is written from a perspective of hope.. and hope at the end of the day connects us all no matter how different we are"

it took just that to make me realize that i gotta do what i gotta do
to get
right
there.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

it completely blows my mind how i have evolved as a person.

i mean, this week has been making me so clear about myself.
i think about myself as a fifteen year old and i hate how sheltered i was.. . i didn't know anything about anything that i am in love with today! i've allowed myself to be molded by things that have caught my attention.. like Che Guevara and Andy Warhol and Cuban politics and revolutionaries and art..

it really makes me feel pity towards three quarters of my high school population who are going through life with no REAL INTERESTS or passions about anything that's really important in this world.

i feel like an old soul, almost.. i could research things on the internet pertaining to the 60s.. revolutions.. hippies.. beatniks.. Andre Breton, Andy Warhol, Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Bob Marley, surrealism, psychedelics, zenism, buddhism.. there's just so much

and as i looked through my Underground Free Press Ads between1965-1975 book, it made me realize how much of a creative wasteland we live in. people 30 years ago had so much to say, and youth today don't give two shits about anything.

it's really disheartening..

i feel a rainbow better,

a million rainbows better. a million red balloons better. a million licks of a lollipop better. a million strokes of a guitar better. a million bicycles better. a million coldplay songs better. a million cups of green tea better. a million scented candles better. a million tricycles better. a million joints better. a million fairytales better. a million bubble gum scented slammers better. a million necklaces better. a million bed sheets better. a million conversations with God better. a million Andy Warhol paintings better. a million childhood memories better. a million first kisses better. a million ocean waves better. a million curls better. a million live concerts better. a million cuddles better. a million sneakers better. a million dollars better. a million love notes better. a million rooftops better. a million night skylines better. a million tree forts better. a million sunsets better. a million drives through Tuscany better. a million gusts of wind through my hair better. a million roasted marshmellows better. a million birthday cakes better. a million anniversaries better. a million smiles better. a million melting ice cream cones better. a million bike rides with dad better. a million cute kittens better. a million plane rides better. a million yellow taxi cabs better. a million lullabies better. a million family dinners better. a million best friends better. a million soulmates better. a million hot chocolates better. a million movies better. a million cozy sweaters better. a million nostalgic moments better. a million walks around Lago di Tovel better. a million gypsy queens better. a million dances better. a million gold medals better. a million pillows better.

there is a reason that i wanted to pull a friday afternoon with Breanne on a Tuesday.

the past few days i have been unusually and unnecessarily lonely and depressed.

basically, it's a situation with Vitto. i won't get into it because i'm feeling optimistic about it for the moment, but basically if we hook up now, it will be difficult to continue a relationship in the future due to the circumstances starting in June.

but i am willing to give it a try even though before meeting him, i was bitter from previous experiences i have unfortunately experienced.

but there is something i realized about myself that would have aided me a great deal a few years ago. there are some things that are able to cheer me up instantaneously.

1) talking to God.. reminds me that i am never alone.
2) listening to loud music, singing along, and dancing at the same time
3) drinking green tea
4) creating artsy things

as Castro was retiring yesterday,

i was at Breanne's house with Olivia where we smoked cigarettes beneath her window and had profound conversations about Anne Frank, Che Guevara and Socialism. we also baked cookies which proved rather difficult.

in other words, we pulled a "friday afternoon".

and i also went to the gym for the first time in a very long while. yay for me

Fidel Castro retired yesterday. how sucky is that. i wonder what Che Guevara would think if he knew how powerful Fidel became..

if only he knew that the CIA tried killing Fidel a hundred times and never succeeding.
if only he knew the great things Fidel has done for Cuba.
if only he knew that Fidel has survived to be the world's longest-serving head of state.

if only he was still alive.

" Did i strike the right set of chords? you're annoyed.
The goal is to ignite you then move on.
You feel ill at ease. you got no squeeze.
And the wise cracks won't make you more stable.
You've learned you lines to scale and to time.
Why must i remind you now i'm only less able.
Cut from bad cloth or soiled like socks
We're ordinary people we can't help but to change

As we walk and make plans in the dark
Or make haste with the boy who can't help
But creep good people out.
As you talk to me too much you're assuming
We don't always want what's right."

i feel the urge to write something important. not that this recent Vitto blabber isn't important, because it is, but i go days with a million thoughts i'd love to write about, but i never actually write about them.

you've seen funeral processions before, yes? ok, well me and Daniel were on the road today and there was one going on and traffic was clogged majorly. and then i thought... what would the dead person think if they knew that their funeral was causing so many people road rage? and then i thought... i hope when i die i don't get a funeral procession... but then i thought.. maybe i do want a funeral procession when i die and i came up with the conclusion that funeral processions were invented so that the dead person can have a last chance at pissing off a mass amount of people.


a few days ago, Drew sent me a message telling me that if i don't vote for conservatives, he would lose it on me. as i look in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have told him who i was voting for instead because he went completely rank on my ass. saying that me and my opinion were retarded. he also seems to have collected this comic book interpretation of what my party represents. saying that they will put humans as their last priority and they will become like Hitler, but instead of wiping out a certain race, they will wipe out the whole human civilization. sounds like Pinky and the Brain to me! anyways, after he told me that i shot back at him that a) the election is for the premier and the premier can only do so much b) here he is putting Hitler in a bad light, when he is doing exactly what Hitler did! he was telling ME that my beliefs are stupid and wrong, so i told him he was the one doing as Hitler did and that he should take the stick out of his ass and c) if he can't handle people thinking differently than him, he doesn't belong in a democracy government. i suggested he move to Cuba where there is only one option to vote for... he wouldn't have to deal with opposing opinions.

and on top of that, i also included a reference to extremes just as he did. i simply told him that the party i'm voting for would win, take over, and attempt to wipe out human civilization. i would then become a revolutionary, overthrow their government using guerrilla warfare and rule Canada for the next 40 years in a true Socialist manner.

and today as i laid my head on Vitto's chest, i told him this situation. Vitto totally agrees with me and supports the same party as i do, saying that just because they put the environment ahead of people, does not in any way mean they'll be wiping out human civilization. in fact, it's the complete opposite. they support sustainability and if you know what sustainability means, then you'll know that the last thing they want to do is kill humans. if the environment is not sustained, then how on earth are humans supposed to sustain themselves????

and don't get me wrong, global warming could probably be a scam because it's a natural process. all the planets are heating up, it's just what happens when the sun gets hotter over time. BUT that does NOT mean we can continue the way we are. there is always room for improvement when it comes to how we treat the earth in everyday life. so don't think i've fallen for Al Gore's latest money maker documentary. in fact, i hate the prick. i think i deserve the Nobel Peace Prize more than he does.

but back to this heated political debate (which shouldn't be instigated between people under any circumstance!!!), i told him that there probably are flaws in my favored party, just as he and i do, but they also have very positive things too. i also said that the conservatives probably have positive things to offer as well. but the way i see the world is most strongly matched with the way my favored party sees the world, and that's the truth in all it's rawness.

Aquarius January 20-February 18
Saturday, Feb 16, 2008

This should turn out to be a pretty good day for you, and you'll probably be feeling very much in tune with everything and everyone around you. Relationships of all kinds should be going very smoothly for you right now, particularly your romantic relationships. And you might be eager to find some new and exciting ways of enjoying yourself today.

It’d also be a good time to try to find some new ways of expressing your creative energies. Just try to be open to as many new experiences as possible today.

i got to lay in Vitto's arms today. i got to kiss his lips today. i got to hear his heart beat today. i got to play with his hair today. i got to feel appreciated when he'd lay his head on my chest and just be today. i got to get my bare back caressed today. i got to smile today.

he could be the best thing to happen to me.

Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean.

Judge not
Before you judge yourself.
Judge not
If you're not ready for judgement. Woah oh oh!

The road of life is rocking
And you may stumble too.
So while you talk about me,
someone else is judging you.

today couldn't have been more perfect.

isn't it an awesome feeling when you find someone so special?? i mean, after everything that has happened in the past couple years, i was left with virtually no best friends. i went from having a handful of them to losing them. one of those was such an essential part of my life. she was completely and totally my best friend, together we'd be forever. stuff that intense doesn't happen to some people, and it happened to me without me even knowing.

after school i went tanning. at 1:15 i arrived at Breanne's. we sat in her room, talked about feather ruffling topics, smoked cigarettes, and listened to Mazzy Star.

it was pure euphoria.. bliss. the sun in my eyes, i closed them slowly.. opened them slowly to watch the smoke in the sunlight swirl above my head that was already in the clouds.

happy valentine's day everybody!

like it's worth the recognition anyways. today Vitto sent me a text saying he hates valentine's day but he hoped i was having a good one. if the truth will be told, it doesn't really affect me. it doesn't make me bitter, it doesn't make me happy... it makes me feel... indifferent. i know some people are all for it, and i know others hate it, but it doesn't bother me at all.

it started off as a pretty shitty day, however. i'm not even sure why... i failed my reading comprehension test which probably contributed to my lousy mood massively.. but there was something irritating me. it might have been Breanne... actually i think it was because of her and i don't really know why.

Tom is making her dinner tonight... and she had this sweet plan to do something naughty with cinnamon hearts.

anywhoodle, i had a hair appointment at 3 and i walked out hating my hair as usual... but now i love it love it love it

after schoolio today: me, Breanne and her gay friend Calvin (who is awesome by the way!) went to whyte avenue.

me and Breanne found this awesome little store which we've vowed to go to at least once every couple months because they have the coolest shit! and it's so obscure.. nobody knows about it, and i won't tell anybody about it either haha.

it was awesome... just going in and out of random stores and wanting every sweet lamp i lay my eyes upon. and then we went into this other store which was really sweet where i bought ten sticks of incense for Vitto. it was just a lot of fun. i can't wait until it warms up outside so we can go to Whyte ave more often and experience everything there is to experience!

as for Saturday, i will be spending the day with Vitto. for sure this time! we can watch Across The Universe... burn his new nice smelling incense... cuddle... snuggle.... canoodle... drink tea... walk Whyte ave.. snoop around in little antique stores...

he's amazing. have i mentioned?

my english teacher asked me why i looked confused one day, after he wrote the structure of an essay on the board. i told him because i don't like structure because it's restricting. Breanne says i'll forever be the girl who doesn't like structure.

but sometimes i find that looking at things in their primary state for their primary purpose makes accomplishing them a whole lot easier.

i ask myself... what is the primary purpose of this english response??

with a hopeful mind-set and some good advice from a friend who suggests a source of inspiration,

i tell myself... "his eyes are so blue. like a swimming pool in which i can swim."

that's raw.

"“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”"

B.M. is my muse

it would have been a nice afternoon spent with Vitto if i actually went to his place, but i didn't, because it's so bloody cold out.

i never thought i'd say this again, but i'm sitting in a large bowl of suckiness.

according to Matt i should be angry at Mr Sainchuk because he picks on me a lot. there's something about him.. the way he puts me on the spot, but i turn ridiculously red every time he talks to me in that class.

it bothers me so much because i'm not ashamed at what i'm saying, i just hate being put on the spot.

anyways, after school today me and Breanne bought Silent Sam (haha) and then went to Mt. Fuji to pick up our food and talk to Vin.

we went to her place and while eating Mt Fuji and drinking vodka and coke, we watched Across The Universe. i am so excited for this movie. i love it so much that i could watch it everyday. i watched it today with Breanne and i was really excited because she hadn't seen it yet. and tomorrow i'm going to watch it with Vitto, who also hasn't seen it.

after that me and Breanne went to londonderry where i bought ten dollar shoes and a 60 dollar fancy top... the first of many i'm predicting.

i love Breanne.

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Feb 7, 2008 You should be coming across very well to other people right now. You ought to be able to make a positive impression a little more easily than usual today. And you should find that this really ought to help you out when it comes to dealing with any sort of romantic interests right now.

So go ahead and take a few risks and express your feelings today. And if you feel like having a good time right now, just be careful that you don’t overdo it. If you play your cards right, this could turn out to be one of your luckier days of the month.


my favorite class is probably English. Mr Sainchuk is awesome.

i went tanning today for twenty minutes. i feel like a walking cancer.

my eyes are ridiculously dry.

i'm sitting here with the laptop on my lap and the tv in front of me. apparently Kursten Dunst is going to rehab. what is this? maybe i should get a career in a rehab facility. i'm so obsessed with hollywood that if i were to work at a rehab facility in California, i would surely meet enough stars to do some high quality name dropping.

did i mention i bought Across The Universe on Tuesday??? i watched the day of and it was amazing as usual. i'm going to watch it tomorrow at Breanne's place, and i'm going to watch it at Vitto's on saturday. it's so exciting!!!

the past few weeks i've been ridiculously unmotivated to do anything related to my portfolio. my motivation and excitement returned yesterday... and i am sure that this is the field for me. i am totally 100% sure.

can you believe that that stupid Hannah Montana movie was number one in box offices this week?! either the population is utterly RETARDED or our population consists of MOSTLY teenyboppers.

Anna Nicole Smith's daughter is so cute.

hahahah today i laughed because Vitto doesn't get paid until next week so that ruins our dinner date because he is broke and he's stubborn and wants to pay. so we're staying in and cooking dinner ourselves!! how cute is that.

except i'm kind of sketchy about it because his parents will probably be there, and i'm not very comfortable around parents, you know? sometimes i wish i was like Heather in the way that she is so outgoing.

hmmph. i really don't feel like writing. i just spent an hour and half writing a paper for English. and another hour on chemistry. i absolutely love only having two core subjects this semester. love love love it

do you ever see a date and know it holds some sort of importance, but you just can't think of it?

that's whats been happening with me and February 4th. it looks like a big day, but i just can't think of what might have happened on February 4th one year, two years, three years or maybe four years ago... it's very bothersome.

on another note, i'm beginning to feel intimidated by somebody i don't even know

oh yeah
i was reading an old post and realized i made a mistake. Vitto didn't live in Australia for 6 months. he went there twice. the first time for 10 and a half months and the second time for 3 months

HOW SWEET IS THAT?!

you know what else is absolutely euphoric?

feeling as if i finally found someone worth my time. i used to think it was too exhausting meeting someone new and getting to know them. but with Vitto, it's so easy and relaxed.

today in English, Mr. Sainchuk was talking about relationships. i can't remember exactly what he said, but this girl in my class was talking....
"... it's important to get to know the person at the beginning of a relationship"
Mr. Sainchuk responded..
"but WHY?! what on earth is the rush????? why do you need to get to know him overnight?? guys, when you spend all your time with your girlfriend, i assure you that the relationship will not last. if you want your relationship to last, you have to take your time and slowly get to know each other."

it seems that everything he says is directed to me somehow. i can relate somehow to everything he talks about.
he has this weird habit of knowing people without actually knowing them... on the first day he asked me if i was a good writer. i responded..
"i dunno... maybe"
"i dunno? maybe? how will you attract any men with that confidence. 'look at me! i have no confidence in myself! how on earth will i meet a guy who wants to be with someone who has such low confidence?!'"

it was just ridiculous. sure everyone was laughing and so was i. but he read me like a book. the next class he was talking about palm reading. i happened to grab the spot at the front so he grabs my hand and predicts my future as follows...
"ahh... ok. so you will soon meet someone very special who you will care about dearly. but in 6 months he will dump you and you will not get over it for 4 years!"

my jaw nearly dropped because it sounded like something that could totally happen to me. it already has, just divide the time periods in half!

but Vitto is totally cool. he sent me the sweetest thing just now..
"it's a good thing because i really do like you and taking this slow is a smart idea. but ya like i said i am stoked to hang out with you. ha and i am really looking forward to stealing that kiss. and taking naps with you while listening to records heh"
"i totally think that is how you start a good relationship. it will be more about us than that."

i don't know what i did to deserve someone like him. maybe those late night chats with God while sipping on green tea and listening to Mazzy Star really worked.

he is amazing.

been sitting here for awhile listening to Fiona Apple while doing chemistry homework. music has the ability to make me happy even when doing chemistry homework.
or maybe it was the text conversation between Vitto and I.

now i'm listening to Mazzy Star. they're angels.
when i listen to their music i imagine myself in a different world saturated with color. i have long wavy dark hair in this world and i'm wearing a nice sundress and i'm laying in a field of ridiculously green grass and i watch the ridiculously white clouds travel across the ridiculously blue sky.

it's euphoric.

i think my favorite music of all time has to be within these artists: Coldplay, Oasis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bloc Party, Bob Marley, Fiona Apple, and Mazzy Star

my life is complete when all the above are included

yesterday me and Vitto went to Heather's condo where she and my brother made dinner. after dinner we hung out until 9:30 when we went to Empress.

it wasn't as awesome as last time i went because i didn't really have a lot to drink.. just random sips from Daniel and Vitto's beers.

as time went on, my legs eventually rested on top of Vitto's leg, and he held my hand for a bit.
that was the best part.

Friday or Saturday he wants to go out to Da Capo and maybe catch a movie at the Garneau.

he gives me butterflies

another positive note! i weighed myself this morning and i am now 148 pounds! which totals to 7 pounds lost in the last few months. i haven't weighed under 150 in so long....


positivity all around!

last night i went to the Etherial CD Release party. i went with Aislin, Haley and Shawn. there was a lot of people there from our school.. ones that usually never go to their shows. it was pretty fun and then we went to the Liquor store where we bought some booze with my newly legal identification.

i love Haley because she makes me laugh really really hard with her random expressions and sayings.
i love Aislin because she's cute and she keeps us under control.. for the most part.
i love Amanda because she becomes a sultry spanish man when under the influence and says things like "Como stas bitchessss" and "OLE!" and "hombre" hahaha.
i love Kari because she's an alcoholic.

i love live music because it's hypnotizing.

afterwards, we went to McDonald's because Haley and I were hungry and i hadn't eaten anything that day which probably explains why i was completely out of my mind with only a few shots of captain morgan's.

anyways, Aislin drove me home and i laid in bed and texted Vitto for about an hour. i confessed that i couldn't stop thinking about him at the concert.

and that's when he confessed that he really likes me and thinks i'm amazing.

WHAAAAA???? i was totally thrown off in a totally awesome way.

i can't wait to see him in approximately 3 hours for dinner at Heather's condo and then out to the bar!!!