i like the voodoo that you do.

i want to make pretty things. and take pretty pictures.
i can't wait for summer... i'm going to take a million photographs a day. of everything. inside, outside, my toes...

Violet Hill is an amazing song that Coldplay released today. i can't wait to hear the rest ...

i showed people at school my children's book. i got good responses.
Heather dropped my portfolio of at the U of A at noon today. i should be hearing from ACAD on May 5th or so...

i wonder if i'm good enough???

there is only one way to describe my running-around-like-a-chicken-without-a-head/sleep-deprived/jam-packed weekend. and that is with a completely contrasting, relaxing haiku..

Busy days like these.
Reading between customers.
An odd happiness.

that's all...
bob and chamomile tea is calling me..

it's an awful frustration to have... finding out that a relationship that could have "flourished" did not, because of future location issues that no longer exist, makes me ridiculous. i mean, plans change, which is why i was willing to give it a shot.. even if he ended up moving away.
it's the past and i really shouldn't think about it anymore... i've mended a friendship for what seems like the tenth time in the past four years, but i don't think i mind. i've learned that with Brian it's just like that... there will be months where we talk, and there will be months when we don't... and the cycle just repeats itself. at least i can rely on it succeeding and failing over and over haha.

overall, Brian's got a good heart and whether or not we stay friends, anyone will be lucky to have him as company.

things have started to look up. yesterday i worked on portfolio, which is always really unusually fun. i've always liked cutting and measuring and doing crafty things.. all while listening to some good tunes.

today i actually did chemistry during my spare, given that i had no good company as a distraction. had a pretty relaxed english class where i scored 84% on my reading comprehension.. which i usually get 50's on because of my always wandering mind... chemistry we did a lab where i pretty much stood there and cracked some jokes (which is about the only thing i'm good for during labs.. poor unfortunate lab partners..). after that i stood at the bus stop with Perry, Breanne and Brian for about a half an hour, and i also received what i think was the first hug i've ever had from Brian. me and Breanne stopped at my work to pick up my pay cheque and see that my boss not only gave me a raise, but he gave me ONE WHOLE DOLLAR MORE THAN WHAT I ASKED ($10.40!!).. then we went to Mt Fuji and picked up our food and talked to the lovely sushi guy, Vin, whom i love talking to about movies. and then we went to Breanne's where we ate and watched good old MTV and fat chicks trying to figure skate on the merciless Made. went to work at 3. Ryan Sasha and Jordan (aka tight ass hater) came in for a chat. Brian and Brett came in for a chat later on and i recieved another hug.. i had to ask, of course (but it's a hug nonetheless!)
at ten i came home.. i am here
ready for a jam packed weekend.
and that is definitely not an overstatement.

today... i did nothing but work on my portfolio... of course, i had to document something that happened today..

The sun is setting.
Lay in the grass more often.
Mother Nature cares.

Brian promised me he'd wait for me to come back in August so he can go to Halo for the first time with me.

last night in the wee hours...
I wanted to say
That goodnight thing we used to
But i put it off

Incense burns too fast
Underneath the canopy
Of my mellow world

neither, honestly.
life is about reaching a
Happy Medium

i'm fully aware my Haiku's are hardly standard Haiku's seeing as they don't involve nature and one line could not stand on its own... but it follows the 5-7-5 syllable rule and i'm the one with the pen, so there!

on april 16th,

"out of the way, please"
she said meanly and sternly.
i left with my tea.

yesterday i worked 3-7
and the Heather picked me up and we went to see the Grant MacEwan design show
and then we went to the house
and i worked on my U of A portfolio
and then at 11 we all took Chloe for a walk in the neighbourhood
and then we watched Sweeney Todd

Heather's going to New York in June to go this jewellry show for her line. and she invited my broke ass to go with her. would be prime.
She's having a garage sale in June as well, which i can't wait for.
and then she's moving to Holland in August.

my brother was able to take that week off so Radiohead in Vancouver is a go!
and in December he's moving to Holland... he's staying here to see me through my first semester.

i guess it's time to let go
and stand on my own two feet.

i just watched Cry-Baby starring Johnny Depp.

so cheesy and yet so sexy in an unorthodox way.

she told me today,
that in the future i'd say
"Hello, I'm sunshine"

laying in the grass and listening to Mazzy Star could be seizing the day.
i bought incense today.
remind me to download Hope Sandoval & the Warm Inventions.
i could not be more upset with Limewire than i am right now.

you are Mazzy Star
could i lay here all day long?
with you in my ears?

there's the haiku of the day. i quite like that one. less than two minutes, it took me.. that's what i like to call spontaneity.

thats it!

i'm starting a haiku journal...

hello world! i am nothing but alive today!

i sat in English and let my mind wander. i'm not blind, not deaf, not mute, i can think for myself and i've developed long term interests and goals, i have friends and family
and that's all that should matter!

i imagine my arteries are being coated with a thick greasiness that is near impossible to get rid of.

like the grease stains on your garage floor.
or the greasy moist lips of a drooling boy who never showers or brushes his teeth.
or the oiliness of unwashed hair.

i'm drinking tea for the rest of my life.

the randomness within my commonplace book.


"Bring back the buffalo and drive out the cars!"
Andy Warhol foresaw the days when celebrity would be everything.. (OR DID HE SET THE TREND?????) "Oh boy! its another sexsational issue! Jagger's Sadist movie finally released. A heavy evil film, Don't See It On Acid."

"Pissed off, or pissod on, urine the PUNK GENERATION"
-Castro retirement-
RUDE AWAKENING. all the expressions should be clear to you now. tired of structure. i just want to do something spectacular. me-what was once flowers, is now wasteland. WHY?
emo-ism? my life isn't complete without lists. dance like a mad woman to mad music. are you happy with your life and it's mediocre attributes???????? -my room is the modern portrayal of a crowded marketplace - bush growing in the middle of the road - BERNOULI'S PRINCIPLE - airplane food: organized. hot. main course includes some food groups, salad and bread w/ butter. little, cute food. in packages. chicken or beef???


IS IT POSSIBLE THAT FO REVERY FOUR WALLS, THERE IS A SQUARE INCH IN WHICH YOUR MENTAL FLOW IS HEIGHTENED???

mental straightjacket. SCUM- society for cutting up men. "you can't jail the revolution" "the youth made the revolution and the youth will keep it, the youth will continue to make the revolution throughout the world!"

"How the Little Meri Warner Plant Grew Happily Ever After" - celebrating the decline of traditional values.
"and thus may you see rainbows all the days of your life"
FREAK OUT!
-turn on, tune in, drop out, get naked, get out there, go crazy, find a guru and blow your mind, magic wands and magic mushrooms, you're never too far from a joint.

"God it sure creates confusion
on Capitol Hill
When your left hands don't know
What your right hand kills

Let's get our shit together, men!
(We got to scan them rhymes)
Or how the hell will it look
in Tomorrow's New York Times?"

visual garbage! "armed love" - a recipe for eternal love.
what are you doing to protect yourself from: Misinformation-Half truths-Mind rot
MEDIA BURN - the nation's leading mental crippler.
---------
FEB 19, 2008
i feel like a stupid penguin. no destination. what am i doing here anyways? i have nothing or no one to live for.
i don't know if me and Vitto will become what i want us to become.
he is also a penguin with no destination.
i want it to work.
but i feel like i'm walking in circles on Earth. i have no reason or purpose.
no reason. no purpose.
it makes me want to cry.
for eternity.

although i feel like an anxious mess. i try to sing it away.

all i need are my friends.


but i want him too.

march 18, 2008

i have an odd desire for constant sleep deprivation. it is only in the nightly hours i feel like myself. why let that time pass by while i sleep?

i don't know why i haven't written in awhile. i can't sleep.

i have to let him be. i have to let _____ be as well. but i don't want to waste such oppurtunities on minimal things!

my world has expanded. i've gained light years of space in my mind for absolutely nothing but complete bliss. my feet are slushy with the snow and the sun beats down on my vacant face. my smile reflects light onto the already bright stars at nights and all i can think of is me.

it's me. and everything that surrounds me. every being who makes me laugh. every word that inspires me. its all part of my complete bliss.

his sweater was like the sky at night. seemed so eccentric, so magnetic. but his sweater is the only things i will take to heart at this point. the night sky is a good sign for me.

i must lay in the grass more often.

my own irony is that my mind is this black hole of nothing, but full of everything. black holes are nothing. complete and total nothingness. i imagine being sucked into one and floating for the rest of eternity. Just floating. perhaps being sucked into the past, or maybe a world so corrupt that i would die to find peace of mind.

the rawness of my fingers are painful but it doesn't stop me from going SPLAT! -- here's my mind dictated onto paper. manmade paper full of unorthodox thoughts and raw emotions coming together. it's a corrupt world, friends.

it's the sleep that is temporary death.. a temporary death is not possible, but because i am the one holding the pen, it is possible. we are temporarily dead every night, when we should be looking at the stars, imagining ourselves on a different rock in the system.

i will now rest in peace.

i think i have to take more pictures and include them.

i've been doing a lot of reading on the art of journal-ing... i can't only express myself in words.
i need to carry the camera around with me a lot more..

i got on the bus with my million and one bags and the million and one people with the same goal in mind. to get on the bus. i turned my head and saw a girl who i wanted to look at more and more with every feature that appealed to me. sometimes it happens when i find the rare person who has that subtle, humble beauty that is completely irreplaceable. her profile was phenomenal, she had the cutest nose and the cutest hair and pleading eyes. just wow

coincidentally, she got off the bus just as i did, she waited for the train just as i did and she waited for another bus afterwards... just as i did. she probably thought i was some sort of stalker.

on the train while mazzy star was lightly whispering to me, these people in front of me were having a conversation in french.
also, the north side is where you can find ten years olds having smoke breaks at the bus stop.

"The complications of the world weighing down on my sunken shoulders and hunched back. the idea of a pioneer on untouched land is but an absurd thought. why must doing a simple thing become so complicated? why all the institutions and securities that create invisible barriers? an airplane crashing into the forcefield surrounding a country.. an application being rejected by the wall of uncompleted 100 page, 100 link forms.. even to the point that dreams are stifled. there s a million links in one network, a million questions for one answer.. a million ID numbers and passwords and usernames and e-mails and dates and deadlines and dollars for one application.

a million slates half carved for my one purpose in life.."

that was me Tuesday April 8 at 11:39 pm.


last night i was at Heather's condo with her and my brother, working on my portfolio.. she drove me home at one in the morning, and on the ride home i read Hamlet out loud, getting a very delayed head start on my english homework. alas, after my set tasks were completed, sleep fell upon me and i woke up extra early to go to school extra early to study for the chemistry test i otherwise might have been oblivious to that day.

i have finished and sent my portfolio to ACAD and that is a great accomplishment on my part. now i have the U of A to do for May 1, and Grant MacEwan for June 1.

go me

my mind is a mad house i cannot leave.

portfolio deadlines, appointments, phone calls, bus routes, schedules, times, dates, numbers, photos, objects, charcoal, conte, shading, black fingers, loud music, shakespeare, adobe, adobe, adobe

it's all piled on top of the top of the top of the bottom and back and forwards and around once more.

in a way, i really like it. i feel like i have purpose for right now.
i like having to put on some tea and stay up late to accomplish things i actually don't mind accomplishing.
things i love to accomplish.

i am taking this little bit of time to record my personal process in a short but meaningful blog.
you may not hear from me for a month. i am the person merrily stuck under the pile of all directions and heights...

i'm at Heather's parents place. my brother's at work, and Hather's at a group meeting for a few hours..
and i'm home alone, sketching, doing charcoal work and watching Pan's Labyrinth. Vitto said he would stop by with my books.
and he did. my drawing was interrupted by the doorbell, and Chloe started her barking.
i saw through the window, his harley davidson bicycle.. the one that was in his room, and i opened the door and there he was standing, looking better than ever, with my books in his hand, his tuque on his head and his orange sunglasses on. we talked for a bit, laughed for a bit, and said "yeahh...." at the end of every minute conversation.

he told me to give him a shout whenever i wanted to hang out..
and he's taking things slow with his girlfriend.

it was nice seeing him again.

it's been awhile. hello squanderers of the earth.

i promise to update regularly on the nooks and crannies of my everyday totally exciting and envious life.

which really is and has been. call me an artiste, if you will. i've been sketching and portfolio-ing like mad this spring break. i purchased two portfolio's today with Heather, one for ACAD and one for the U of A. i'm happy with the way things have been going, keeping busy, busy, busy.
my brother has moved out for the month, to house sit for Heather's parents while they are in Holland for a month.

i want to make this quick, but there are so many things to say about my super glamorous and scandalous life, that i may just crack under this pressure to report the deets. haha we all enjoy a laugh once in a while.

Vitto messaged me. wanting to get together to do a book swap.. i am all for it!
i started reading Into Thin Air yay!
i finished reading Submarine yay!
i'm going to Italy from July 2-August 6, and along with that i will be staying in London for 3 days to visit the birthplace of Shakespeare. how awesome. i can't wait. seriously!
i bought my graduation dress today, totally cute, but i love it because it isn't anything extravagant and it was pretty inexpensive.
i bought pre-sale tickets to see OASIS LIVE ON AUGUST 29, 2008 WITH MY BROTHER! best thing i could have done this week, hands down.
i'll be seeing Matthew Good in June with Breanne!!
i'm going on a roadtrip with my brother to Saskatchewan for his friends wedding on August 23rd
RADIOHEAD IN VANCOUVER END OF AUGUST!!!
i'll be purchasing a laptop in the very near future in order to fulfill my complete computer nerdiness yay!
andddd
i've chopped my hair off

EEK
it's awesome

ta ta