story of my life

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tales
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
The numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, when I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

i haven't written in a while. not a lot to talk about, and i'm really sick and not in the mood for paragraphs and nicely formed sentences.

- on Monday my brother picked me up from school and we went downtown to the art gallery. and i saw REAL ANDY WARHOL ARTWORK. and i was introduced to new artists, one that i really liked was Patrick Caulfield. check him out when you have time.. and interest.
- i wrote a math chapter exam that i got 80% on YEAHH
- i work everyday this weekend and i feel so shitty so it's even more shitty.
- this girl who lives in New York messaged me on facebook. she told me i looked like Edie Sedgwick, and she's also a huge fan of Andy Warhol. whats even better? she works for Christian Dior and she's a make-up artist, who knows, she might be able to pull me some strings in the future.
- talked to the daughter of an assistant teacher i had in grade three. she had her baby girl this summer. and she's my age. i think it's incredible. and her boyfriend is there for her and everything.. i can't believe there's people my age actually going through that kind of thing
- it's Heather's birthday dinner this Sunday at our place. i'm kind of excited. and she's gonna give me a whole bunch of her old clothes which i am also excited for.
- i finally bought Alfie, which i looked for in every location that sells DVDs.
- i finished driver's training on Tuesday, now i just have to wait for December. i'm a pretty decent driver too, i drive everywhere =)

today was a really good day.

i wrote my math test, which i think i did reasonably well on. after school, i was actually able to finish all my homework during my spare, leaving me with no homework this weekend. at 1:30 i had driver's training which went pretty good as well. went home, took a bath and at 6:00 i went to northgate to meet up with Kari and Selena. from there we went to the west end where Etheriel was playing. i love going to their shows because it's just so sweet watching Keith on the drums.. he's actually amazing.

i met Hailey, Aislin's friend and Kelton's ex, she's a hoot. for real, she's really sweet, i wanna hang out with her more. then i met up with Jon, who i haven't seen in forever. he shared his two J's with us on the boats across the street. we reminisced about all our sweet times in grade nine when he sat behind me in homeroom. i also met Aislin's long time boyfriend, Shawn, who is also pretty cool.

Hailey gave me some booze and we smoked my 3 Ukrainian cigarettes that Sasha gave me. i don't think it mixed well with Kari thought, because she ended up throwing up in a bush outside.
it was a good night. something that i needed for a long time now.

i like to think i'm paying my dues.

once this year is done, i'll be having the time of my life.

the butterflies died. fortunately ?

i started a new journal today. i just had to.

today was really messed up.

this morning i was in a huge rush. i almost missed my bus and then i realized i left my wallet at work last night so i had to actually pay to get on the bus.

after school i had plans to get lunch with Andre so we got Taco Time with Amanda Kari and Selena. and then Kari and Selena had class, so me Andre and Amanda waited for what seemed like eternity for the bus. we got on the bus and got to northgate at 1. Andre and Amanda left me by myself to wait for the bus for 30 minutes. i went to namao a few bus stops early, leaving me to walk a while to get to my work. i picked up my wallet and walked to Breanne's. i got there about 1:50. i left her house at 2:30 and got to O'leary at 3:10 and then i waited until 3:30 for driver's training.

driving pissed me off today. when i'm with an instructor it seems everything is so much harder. because he nags me for everything and he keeps fucking talking and talking and it takes my attention away from what i'm doing. it's just kinda stressful sometimes. and today my biggest problem was keeping the speed limit. i just couldn't stay on fucking 50. IT'S SO FUCKING SLOW. and i did about 10 traffic circles. like holllllly shit.


goodnight.
and i felt butterflies today.

it could be a terrible thing. or a good thing. terrible, most likely.

an older guy came into my work today. had a french accent, still not sure whether it was real or fake. he asked my name and tipped me a dollar.

and i made him a cafe latte. he said i was beautiful

lol

i worked 12-8 yesterday, it was a really good shift, it went by reasonably fast, worked with people i like, and Peter even came in for awhile, even though his last day was on Tuesday.

i have another favorite customer. he is attractive, of course, he drives a really nice car, and he's studying business at the U of A. so i have three now: 1) the drug dealer guy, 2) the Jahova's witness guy, and 3) the business student.

i asked the name of the drug dealer guy today, i'm not sure how it's spelt, but it's pronounced Tagious, like the last two syllables of contagious. he's totally rich, he tipped us like 5 bucks yesterday, and he bought 3 drinks last night.

and the Jahova's witness guy started a conversation with me too. i told my mom he might like me and she said "oh my God".

so anyways, after work i met Breanne on the other side of 167th and we went to her house and watched Celebrity gossip television shows and talked about them and Beverly Hills 90210. we talked about rich man sports being tennis, golf, and when we flipped to a channel with Equestrian, we simultaneously added that one to our list. and then we laughed about it for about 5 minutes.

my mom picked me up at 11, and i went home and watched BH 90210.

today was weird. the original plan was to go to Matt's house after school, but i bailed due to my level of tired-ness, the shitty weather outside, and the fact that i didn't want to stay at school during my spare last block. so i took the bus to Belvedere, thinking i would be going home.

instead, i saw Levi on the bus, who i haven't seen in like half a year, and i met up with Carolina. she was going to city center to buy her boyfriend's birthday present. realizing no one was home, i decided to go to City Center with Carolina. we picked up her boyfriend's cologne and earrings. and coincidentally, we ran into him and his friend. we ate some lunch and took the train back to Clareview at 2:00.

and then i drove home from there =)

i work at 5. UGHHHHG

today was a good day. the first day of school was pretty horrible. i felt really shitty. but today went really well. at lunch i ran into Amanda and Matt and i went for a ride with them, Andre tagged along. we just went around with nowhere in mind, those drives are really the best. with awesome people, mediocre "death rap" music, any drive is bound to be good.

spare last block, i hung around and did nothing while i waited for 3:30 to roll around. driver's training. driving is so much fun. i even got to drive in the rain, and i went on major roads and such. really nice. 3 more sessions to go.

tomorrow i finish school at 1, i work at 5 so i'm gonna hang out with Amanda 'til then. should be fun. we have some fun things planned soon

i had another dream last night. it gets so frustrating, like you don't even know.

that month and a half wasn't worth this year and a half of heartache. if i had the option of keeping those memories, or erasing them like they didn't happen, i would erase them hands down, no questions asked.

two different emotions found on opposite sides of the spectrum, sometimes i'm not sure which side is worse

=(

i have to trust that something will come along. something better. it has to. right? that soulmate, future husband, high school sweetheart.. if it doesn't, i'm not sure how much more of this i can take.

and i'm not desperate for it out of lonliness, i'm desperate for it because i need to know that there wasn't only him, that it is possible to be just as happy and even happier with someone who isn't him

like a mat. i walk into work to work even when i wasn't scheduled to. gives me some kind of sense of accomplishment. at least now i have two people to go to when there's an emergency and i can't work.
'
i haven't even explained my brother's arrival yet. or have i? i'm no longer sure. it was like he never left. and these past few days it's like i learned to laugh again. just some things he does, it gets to me like nothing else. his little quirks and thoughts and words. sometimes it's too much. and i haven't been used to it for the past 2 and a half months.

i ripped out useless agenda pages and i covered the front and back in black tape. there's just something about cutting, taping, putting together, decorating, that put me at some unknown ease. even when i was little. just give me something to cut, something to paste, something to color.. i think i might try drawing.

my brother bought me this book in Milan, Andy Warhol's designs from the 1950s. his sketches are so awful that they're good. my brother told me: see Christine? you don't have to be an incredible drawer to be successful. all you need is creativity.

it's worth a try. he also got me these really nice scarves from a market in Madrid. my grandparents sent me money, Daniel also got me this handmade silver bracelet made by a woman in Croatia.

so i'm starting to accept the fact that this summer absolutely sucked. i guess it's what happens when you grow up and get a job. i guess it's not too bad. i can barely complain.