today is Halloween. and i am sitting here watching America's Next Top Model and doing sit ups during commercials.

i don't know if it's my exercise routines, or that i'm giving my friend (and also, myself, in a way) love life advice almost everyday, but i've become very at ease with things. i am totally believing my own words when i say them, and nothing could make me happier.

sometimes i feel so beyond high school, so beyond the things that happen around me that...

oh fuck, now there's a commercial. and now i've lost my train of thought.


on another note, i took a quiz on Facebook and i am the epic hero of King Kong. i think it's all the love based answers i gave. it's true. i think about it a lot. i just really wish i had someone around that i genuinely liked and cared about in that sort of way.

maybe it's too much to ask at this point in time. or maybe it's just the way God is intending it to be, so i can focus on more important things, like finishing my children's book. WHICH, is going really really good.

i'm calling Pablo on Friday. goodnight

i worked tonight. didn't feel much like work than it was "chill out with your friends" time. lots of people stopped by and i probably spent a little too much time talking to them rather than actually working. it's ok, though. i am on the rise to becoming an honour student once again, my children's book is set, and my social life is flourishing despite my one month grounding.

of course, there's always room for improvement. as me and my brother discussed today in the car, people who think creatively like us and designers, are never satisfied with what we do. i told him more about my blog, he was aware i had one, but i went into more detail this time. i told him how my old blog is absolutely embarrassing to read, as it reflects just how much of a 15 year old i really was, and he said he feels the same way about looking at his past projects in University and that it's amazing that i am aware of my "evolving" as a person. he said it's really cool that i am able to write in my blog like this, and be constantly documenting my growth and maturity and also being aware of it.

it made my heart smile =)

on another note, we just watched a movie called "Blow" with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. was a pretty intense movie. it's a crazy thought, when people actually live through things like what George Jung lived through.

anyways, my fortune cookie is telling me to not get carried away, so i'll finish this here.

i saw Across The Universe last night and even though i'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, i absolutely loved it. i fell in love with it right away. well, with Jim Sturgess, anyways....

i got my paycheck today. was in the 300's, so i was pretty happy, considering i spent a little over half of that on a haircut and dye last week. i've come to realize that i'm not sure i like my hair long as much as i thought i would. Heather told me my face has structure, so it looks good with short hair. and the way Amy G (my hairdresser) cut it made me want to just chop it. but i've agreed that i won't cut my hair short until i lose weight and/or graduation is done.

i downloaded some new soundtracks: Pan's Labryinth and Amelie. they are really really good. i would recommend them to anyone who actually appreciates music, and doesn't listen to shit =)

here's the update on my children's book: i've drawn out some various characters, i think i've narrowed it down to one character, and i'm basing the story on Grace Kelly by Mika. SWEET HEY?

it's gonna be a cute one

i fucking hate it when people say woot woot

i'm feeling really anxious again.

my brother is in the basement, my parents are gone. i feel like the only person in the world for a few minutes. that's when i feel the most anxiety. i don't know what it is. my stomach tightens, like it's being tied in a knot, and i want so badly to be in the middle of the city. or to be with the love of my life, whoever that may be. it makes me want to be in a car with the window open, with my favorite music playing, and even if the wind is cold against my skin, i couldn't care less.

i feel anxious when i seem to be forgotten. when i want to create something spectacular. when i can't seem to pick the right song. or when i picture the love of my life, whoever that may be, doing whatever they may be doing at this precise moment.

it's when i pick the perfect song, and it makes me want to yell out the lyrics, but i bask by myself in the lonely lamp light that fills my room.

it's when i see the pictures from Italy beside my keyboard and want to be there right now. so much it hurts along with everything else i may be feeling.

sometimes at night if my window is open and i can hear dogs outside, i close my eyes tight and think about the noises i hear in Italy. the dog in the alley. i make it so realistic. i make myself excited for the adventures to take place the next day, the ones that will vanish once i sit up in bed and realize i'm still at home.

i get anxious when i want to watch a million different movies at the same time. i can't decide which movie will be perfect, and once i pick the perfect one, i quickly realize it's not how perfect the movie is, it's how perfect the person next to you is.

anxiety is when i can relate perfectly to the lyrics of that song. i get anxious when i'm cold, when my hands are so cold i can barely write. or when i'm so warm and cozy, wishing i was being embraced with someone else's body heat and not my own.

it's the feeling i get when i think about reality. thinking about the next ten years of my life, and when those ten years are finished, i will be expected to have a husband. or have a degree and a steady career, my own place with a fireplace and kitchen. possibly expecting a child, who knows?
i could be living in Europe, or New Zealand. or i could be renting out my old house in Beverly, wishing i was still as tall as that old piece of tape on the wall.

the thing is, .. well i'm not really sure what the thing is. it's hard to choose my words when i can't even choose my feelings.

i think i have to focus on a time when i was truly happy. truly at ease. but even this is hard because happy memories can be depressing.

i think the times when i'm happy without any strings attached is when i sing the lyrics to all my favorite songs, while my attention is diverted to something my hands are doing.. like drawing or writing or doodling or even doing homework.

or maybe this Enrique Iglesias music is getting to me

only a matter of time before moving on makes a full circle and leaves you back at the beginning.

i'm pretty sure, at this point in time, that in order to evolve in a positive direction, one must swallow their pride. apologies were due, and i sincerely meant them.

so like yuh

for my first portfolio project, i'm going to design and write a children's book.

i am so excited.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

i've been looking into ACAD (alberta college of art and design) for next year. i looked at all their first year courses and such. i'm so used to seeing all these things as options. it's gonna be so weird.

part of me wants to go to Calgary, to get out of here and start fresh somewhere else, be on my own, meet new people and such. but it's so scary. i have no idea what i'm going to do.