My name is    and i have a best friend

and for once i don't wanna budge

i'm laughing so hard

because i can't stop watching those videos that me and Olivia made on my

macbook yesterday

its 7 40 pm right now

Father Len is at our house right now.  he is the priest who married my parents 

and my dad and uncle usually go hunting on his acreage during the right season. 

when we first moved into our house, he had blessed every room in it.

and just now, we walked around to our bedrooms, seeing the kind of energy that our beds lay within. 

see, the earth is made up of grids, they are 13 by 13 (i don't remember the dimension) and when you spend a lot of time on the grid, you are more likely to be unhealthy.  it's a physics thing, and it's really interesting.

he has this magnetic pendulum which he holds over our beds and different areas of the rooms, and depending on which direction it moves, he is able to tell whether that area is on or off of the grid. when an area is on the grid, it has bad energy, and if lots of time is spent on that area, sickness' are more likely to happen, etc. 

so checking our beds for their energies makes sense because that's where we spend most of our day.

it makes sense, though, i haven't been sick in so long, my dad's never been sick in his entire lifetime, and my mom is the same way.  

he went into this other explanation that energy becomes built up within our bodies, which is what arthritis is. this energy comes mostly from computers, microwaves, etc. and because nowadays, everybody constantly has footwear on, we aren't able to let go of these energies.  

primitive people walked around barefoot, allowing them to release those energies. then they started using leather and cotton and wool, which are all natural, which also allows them to release those energies. 

by putting a freezer pack on the ground somewhere in your home, you are able to get rid of those energies, so that when you hover the magnetic pendulum above any area of your home, it should be completely neutral, moving back and forth and not in a clockwise or counter-clockwise circle. 

it freaks me out because when i walked out to the kitchen to say hi

he grabbed my hand and the first thing he said to me was

"You look sad. You miss your brother."

ah yes, this morning i rose from bed at 5:45 to make sure i got a spot in the classes i wanted.

here are my schedules for my second year of design school:

also, this spring i am taking a Film Studies course to get rid of half the option credits i need for year 2. this is so exciting

this is the time i look forward to most

if i get all those classes tomorrow morning at 6 am, i will be happy.

i can't wait to have a semester where no textbook reading is required. well, not as a requirement anyways. i like projects

especially the ones i will embark on once school is out in a few weeks.

oh these people phase's

phase's of people

i cleaned that fishbowl. i feel cleaner when i clean it, 

i feel accomplished, like i did something that mattered

i am preserving the life of Che

and also the lives of Baby and Boots, as they sometimes manage to drink that water

and also the whole room seems fresher and brighter

Baby is driving herself mad trying to catch the fish through the thick glass

she is so cute cuuuuttttttttttte aw and her fur

all in my face

i feel so frustrated right now

not in a bad way

in a way that makes me feel a pretty deep longing

to be snuggly with someone

this song is perfection right now

broken by unkle, except i don't like it when he starts to sing

the beginning beats

these take me awhile, life takes me awhile

but what's the rush anyhow

if every second was doubled to 2 seconds

we would live to be 160 years old.

it seriously blows my mind that when a single second

becomes a doubled second

and 

i had a dream last night that i told my mom

that i smoke marijuana and everything was fine

and completely happy

weezer's dusty gems and raw nuggets

are even better than Unkle right now

i love singing to My Evaline

i need a striped suit and bowtie

preferably the color combination of navy blue and white

and give me a cane and i am set for My Evaline

but also Charlotte's Web, because I am sure a quartet makes an appearance

how on earth does this happen

nobody is lonely unless they've been lonely for years, plural

i haven't been lonely since i was 15 even though

i felt lonely 

because a few months of loneliness before the next toy comes around

does not qualify for loneliness should not qualify for loneliness

i'm not sure i like the idea of a few months breathing space between

male species intimacies

i feel like there should be years in between

a few months is so fast i'm practically the same person as a few months back

i'm pretty sure money could buy happiness though

saying that money can't buy happiness is only valid for those

who think the ultimate goal of being happy relies 

on finding that one person in the world,

that one thing in the world

that you actually can't put a price on

but for the rest, money definitely has a larger voice than Beyonce's at rexall place tonight

me and Daniel were once hanging out in his room. he was sitting at his desk, i believe i was on the bed watching television

and it was really late at night i think

he was listening to Weezer

and Say It Ain't So started playing and we sang the words so loudly

the other day in Drawing, matt from wisconsin was talking about a book by Margaret Atwood and how it was like stream of consciousness writing

and i turned my head and said 

"i love that!" and i feel that this is what 

the clothesline has become

more like the clothesline of smelly hippies

Jocelyn is moving to edmonton in the fall to attend her 3rd year at 

the university

she also wants to experience residence life haha

so pretty much, i will be almost living there to experience it through her

but when it gets lame which i assume will happen pretty quick

then i can return to this bed that is

heaven

i am the biggest idiot you idiots have ever seen because i seem to never take my mistakes and turn them into something useful

i need my space.

then why am i giving it up for the sake of being nice?

it sounds meaner than i actually mean. i promise.

i wanna feel that way

but i'm feeling rushed again or something like it

everything lately seems rushed 

my best friend is someone i've known for hardly 4 months

and that feels rushed

i do enjoy your company a lot a lot

but there are some things that make me hesitant

i hate hesitating, like in coming up with a sculpture

having to make sure Sheri is ok with everything before i take a step forward

and create something by me as opposed to her

but she has a good heart, i know that much.

most of the time i hate being bored because i was in an airport once, i think

and i saw a person wearing a shirt that said "only boring people get bored"

and i am positive every english speaking person to lay eyes on that shirt must have felt like

the most boring person on the planet. 

i sure did

i am so confused 

i feel everything is rushed

i don't want to cram all this stuff in 4 years

why 

i want to learn and learn

but i want live too

i sometimes feel like i could just stop and decide not to go back 

even though i do love it

but it's so confusing

i want to take 7 years if i have to

4 years is so short

i only have 3 left

those will go by faster than the first did

i want to be 19 forever

sometimes i feel so rushed it makes me cry

just like me and olivia rapped yesterday

"watch the time go right out the window

you tried to hold on but you didn't even know

i wasted it all"

i'll be dead next week the way things are going

i refuse to age another year an entire year

i want to be 19 forever...

i never want to meet someone and fall in love 

and get married and have kids

if it means i never have to rush through a year again

years of life shouldn't be rushed

then one day you're sitting at your desk at your job

organizing meetings, taking calls, designing things

and then when you happen to find one hour of nothing

you realize the nothingness you missed out on your entire life

being able to do nothing is a beautiful talent

it truly exists, the art of nothing

i learned in a book

that Italians have mastered the art of nothing

we are a slow culture, where we take 2 hours of conversation to finish drinking

a small espresso

i just want to be there right now. i want to lay on my nonna's balcony and have the sun stare me straight in the yes

i want to see everyone around living

i have just floated above my body and seen everything 

why am i worrying about this

why am i so worried about fitting a billion credits into a single year

i feel so disgusted 

i wish i was a flower

where growing wouldn't cost money

where i could sit in the grass all day long in the sun

and oh North America

you think you're cool and superior

you don't know how to live

i don't ever want to live like him

i feel so unhappy but happy at the same time

i feel so confused i feel so frustrated

i feel so stuck

i feel so short of time

i have never been so scared of time 

i'm sitting here and i feel the time pass on my skin

i hear the notes in the song that i could replay

but the same note will ever be played again

the song i listened to 30 seconds ago will never be duplicated

i feel scared that no one else is feeling the same

can we all just lay in the grass awhile and smoke grass

and listen to silence

i am totally tripped out 

this is bigger than my head 

you left

where is everything

xavier rudd and radiohead fill my head

with sugarplum fairies

i was doing good so good

like i completely changed the awful routine around

but it's become a replica of last year 

with a knock off of him

that sounds meaner than i actually mean

i'll give it a second before something good comes along

ok i've found the words now.

no i haven't, i wonder what the perfect series of words are

according to Donnie Darko's teacher, "The Cellar Door" is

i see you sleeping only in my mind and i have been away

thinking of when i would hold you gently and i would look into your eyes

i would be the one to calm your shaking when you would cry

xavier rudd is pretty close to getting the perfect series of words. 

oh, the symbolism of Donnie. i don't get it but perhaps one day i will

when i live in film

and breathe it

and eat it for breakfast

i am allowed to let thoughts roll around in the mud and then onto the screen 

without no real logic or path

no punctuation

or pu.nctuation where it doesnt belo.ng

good hits have become a rarity and i am not sure why

i need time to write haiku's

because they could take hours or seconds

when the sun denies you, oh light the shade

there's a talk show host sitting on a beach chair in the yellow sand yellow sun

with the blue yellow waves hitting the shore

you have beads of sweat running down the middle of your chest you are squinting your eyes

it's so hot so hot you can hardly stand it 

and talk show host by radiohead is playing and everything makes sense

or else it will be like the cellar door in the movie that never makes sense

i think the worst thing about having kids 

would be one day seeing your flaws in another human being

and knowing it was all because of you

i would never say what i think about doing everyday

his name is not Eric

in twelve hours i will be sitting in art history

and what did i accomplish today?

i typed a few sentences into my essay which is a work in progress

i worked on my mood board, i am choosing Xavier Rudd as my client

to design a Thinktuary for.

it's so exciting, here are some of the photos i've gathered to create my moodboard:

it's always there

i need to get some drums

something is technically wrong. something is

wrong

sitting in my car crying on the phone is what i was doing yesterday at 5:18 pm 

in the University parking lot

my car is my sanctuary

i feel as though locking myself in my car

is locking myself away from any negative

Pink Bullets

years have been short, but the days were long

so much sense

shins shins shins shins

kneed my shins

need my shins

love my shins

love the shins

green beer i did not have today

had less than a ten minute critique for my 6 self portraits i did have today

i don't care if it's good or bad i want to hear about my charcoal productions made by me.

it's ok

i cant' believe the ways i try to shove flowers into wine bottles 

the way i 

countless lovers undercover on the street

note: it is illegal to climb in dumpsters

that's what my art teacher wrote on the Project 7 guidelines

what if i fell into a dumpster

i fell into a 4 month long dumpster last June

i wish i could say it was pleasant

but it wouldn't be a dumpster if it was

i am suffering from Yellow Grass Syndrome and

Music Attention Deficit Disorder

my attention is deficient today

this is a great song right now

Closer by Kings of Leon

where is Leon

and how is their government run

Matthew's are incapable of rapping

Marshall's, however, are passable

but i am the real slim shady

i should be writing 2000 words somewhere else

if only she could see me write in this way

she would think i'm brilliant

that i belong in Anti-Story

because this isn't a story

i don't write stories

but Anti-Story is stories

plural

there are only 3 metres in a storey and how is that possible

i can climb 3 metres up the wall

Radiohead taught me how

but who taught you to live like that

the end of time, when clocks will no longer tick

does that even exist? can time ever just stop

no going back, no going forward, the end of any growth

any happenings of good or bad

to ever happen 

"ever happen" would not even exist

there would be no for ever, or ever after

no thing could ever happen 

no blinking would occur

no one would loosen their ties

or fall into dumpsters

enya is so perfect right now

he added me on facebook.  i wonder what will come of this

hahahahaha

im basking, i will get things done

i did 2 more self portraits tonight, not completely finished

but i did them halfway

oh i wonder 

i could sleep?

i could sleep?

when i lived alone, is there a ghost in my house?

one potential

and Breanne back. 

high school friends were there, it was a good time.

i missed Breanne so much, everything was like normal

like no time had passed

i should have given him a ride home

ah do you even know?

this day was good

too many potentials

not enough time

or confidence i suppose

i'll just stay the way i am 

in a barrel in the sea

i'm fine

it's cool

i'm not in the right frame of mind

or maybe its a perfect frame of mind

i won't have time for you

therefore

i don't know fore

oh god what do i want?

what is that thing that could take my place on earth

if i weren't to exist anymore?

i would want it to be something rather simple

i like simple unfinished things

does that make me lazy? am i just catering to my laziness?

excusing it..

of course i'm not, though

i actually feel it 

that i like simple and unfinished

imperfectionist. things have to be imperfect

something needs to go wrong

Coldplay makes everything better

and if it doesn't

at least it makes me cry and think about the past 

to get my mind off the now

Mike told me it's always best to tell people how you feel

it feels better, i don't have to be anxious

i tried that twice yesterday

it worked well once and i'm still not sure for the other

what happens will happen

and if happen it does not,

i'll always find something

something

this morning i woke up early

i went to the wood shop to continue working on my wood sculpture

got dirty and messy and was covered inside and out

with sawdust

and then me and Hannah bought tickets to the Coldplay concert.

that is one concert i will not pass up on

i was in the woodshop from 9-12, and i've been sitting in the studio since noon

i am waiting for Olivia

i am anxious to get a new batch of goodness in a few hours

i can't believe it

i would cry in the crowd

if i was embraced by the live music of Coldplay

i have so much to look forward to

i seem to be in some sort of rut and i think i need to speak

out

i respect you, you're my friend, i need to be honest

my art history prof was extra cooky today as she paced the

front of the room with a Rockstar in her hand

that gothic style 

i drew a nude model named David today,

it went much better than last week's Daryl

i haven't talked to God in awhile

a long time

ages

i miss Daniel, i am just ready to get out of here

i feel like being alone a lot of the time

but i try not to be alone because then i really feel 

everything

i thought i saw you on the platform today

i hurried off the train to get off before you

but you got off first.

you were on the escalator and you looked 

so good, better than i'd ever seen you

you turned the corner

and it wasn't your face

it wasn't anyone i knew

and i was grateful that you didn't look that good

it's better if you stay ugly

i would never ever say what's on my mind right now

i had a dream about someone last night,

this i can tell you,

it was with that guy

you know, with paint on his pants,

nice leather shoes

long-ish hair... beard.

it's ridiculous

it was a good dream

i may never speak again

why do i say haha

when i don't haha 

when i should haha

i would cry in front of Chris Martin and the way he makes me sing

and make me feel raw sadness and happiness in a shuffle

i'm a terrible friend sometimes

sometimes i disagree because i can

i like to argue because it's all i know how to do

i get tired of people 

but i come around again, it is a guarantee

you bought a new bag of pot

that's the way to my heart

the way to my heart

it is Stephane's birthday today

geez, so many thoughts for one sitting

i need to be creative as soon as possible

i need to get in the zone

technology will be the death of me.

spider web is tangled up with me

i lost my head

the thought of all the stupid things i'd said

spider web and i'm caught in the middle

don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows

oh i do have her

i felt totally depressed and alone when i thought

i hadn't

i do miss the way things used to be

for sure

Friday Afternoon

let's pull a friday afternoon

a friday aft

a chill aft

let's pull a friday afternoon on a tuesday

please?

to talk and catch up and talk about celebrities and have balanced out conversations

our conversation flowed so easily

i miss you and the friend you were to me 

i miss your room where we would pick out your clothes and 

do my hair 

while we listened to music we had in common

i miss your chicken wraps and floppy hair

remember when we climbed onto your roof 

in the middle of the day

and couldn't get back down

i never loved the ground more

we loved watching Beverly Hills 90210

your favorite was Dylan and i never understood it 

because i was all for Brandon

but Dylan grew on me eventually

when we smoked in mall parking lots and then rode the bus

you're a brilliant person and smart and you write like no one can 

miss ya

it's tea time

so let me pour you my soul

i don't know what to tell you or how to help

i do have stories if you let me tell them 

from start to finish and not cut short in the middle

i have a point to my stories 

i'm usually not the silent type but lately i've been felt forced to be silent

there's no room for me, no time for me

and when i think there is

i'm always cut off

i can't pay attention

people need to learn that silence is ok

silence doesn't have to be filled

i connect more with people when i can share silence with them

sometimes silence is more meaningful than words

it's sometimes re-assuring and my thoughts aren't clouded

, allowing me to see you as you are

not seeing you as your words claim you to be

Will You Tell Me Then

it is so on my level

i got things done today

there's nothing like physically seeing the capacity of my lungs

flow out like 

fog on the half icy water on the North Saskatchewan River

, for my eyes to see and my brain to devour

parapluie

1 02 104

1 09

Faunts

M4

part one

barefeet tonight, maybe this time it really will be summer

without the layers that keep me overly warm as if

it really was summer

i have no hold on time anymore it means nothing

i could stay up all night and feel outside my body for hours and not even realize that

life starts at 6 o'clock in the morning again

but why can't i stay in this life for a little while

where Faunts play the beats of my parents footsteps

but my heartbeat

life has already happened

i had a best friend in junior high 

she is now engaged

am i really that old

are we really that old

does time really keep going

do i ever really catch up

my mom still drives me to the dentist, 

how is someone like me getting married

and how is that person dead

i didn't know her but she was known

i don't wonder how it must feel

still got sand in my shoes 

i want spring more than anything right now

i want airplane rides more than anything right now

The Pawn Shop was a good time, i am even more in awe of Jaycie Jace now

i was up the entire night

35 dollar parking ticket

i am missing individuals in my life

i want spring more than anything right now

'cause we're so handsome, and we're so bold

so entertain us

tell us a joke

oh i know i complain now but in the future i will look back

and love it and miss it and i'll be scared for the real world

i just realized it's now too late to vote for a Student Union president and this really bums me out

because i was so set on voting for Jesse Hahn.

i better enjoy this summer so i can go into my 2nd year focused and settled

i refuse to be one of the people they weed out

my mercury's in retrograde

i drew a naked man today for 3 hours

the most action i've experienced since october

grosssssssssss

sometimes it's too much to take

sometimes i can't handle it

lot's to think about

and i can never focus on these 4 walls 

and what's within them

i could stare all day

all day into space, not ever really knowing what's going on

never really knowing what there is to figure out

never figuring it out

why i feel i could stop at any given moment

it could be the most peaceful thing

it would be peaceful

a random guy on the LRT platform who we ended up sitting next to

Hannah got off at her stop

other random guy got off at his stop

i scooched over

and tried my hardest to avoid eye contact

but it seemed we both couldn't help it

i have seen him before, i know it

he smiled and half laughed

i still can't figure out why

i should have said something

we got off at the same stop

he followed me down the escalator and out the doors

he went up the stairs i went up the ramp

i could have turned and asked

have we seen each other before

do you need a ride

what's your name

i like your sweater

he could be my soul mate but who will ever know

let's just get high and cry to this music

and draw what we see in the mirror

http://blip.tv/file/1356143/

watch it !!

i need a cool way to arrange pieces of wood to form a sculpture.

hmm... arrangement of wood. i may have just figured something out.

oh, mary jane

haha check out this super emo photo Heather took of me years ago when i modeled for her Photography class. she found it today and showed me, and i hadn't seen any of the photos from that day.  oh, visine

i successfully gave Olivia a haircut last night

what can i say, i have many talents.. 

i had my 3rd wisdom tooth removed yesterday and it went well. i actually enjoy getting my wisdom tooth pulled. i don't mind receiving needles in my mouth and it's a 5 minute procedure, it doesn't hurt at all

and i have a cool tooth to keep :)

i just hate having to go down to the place

i'm not supposed to smoke for 1-2 days after, but me and O.Bond found a way around that obstacle haha... i tried sucking the smoke through my nose

which proved sort of painful and awkward and unrewarding so i just covered the extraction site with gauze

and smoked away 

i freak out about things sometimes, but then i sit and just think about the entire universe 

and then i think about those precious moments before bed when i lay there stoned and staring at my ceiling with Xavier Rudd or something of the like playing on my mac

and i don't freak out

things work out, they always do

and if they don't, i find a way around it

i have the entire night ahead of me, and i am getting good at this