JC = jesus christ

i don't know. i think i'm going to bed. i came here to write, but i really have nothing to say except that today sucked because i.. because i.. just feel like shit lol.

i was boiling hot but freezing cold, i wanna lay in my bed and listen to my iPod. i wanna listen to a story. i have stories on my iPod. i have The DaVinci Code, Anne Frank, some book thing called Never Be Lied To Again, and A Brief History of Nearly Everything.

i wanna curl up and listen to A Brief History of Nearly Everything. i listened to the beginning once and it talked about atoms. lol

it should help me fall asleep.

i watched the OC tonight. it was alright. but JC Taylor has got to be the most annoying most awkward character ever. seeeeeeeeeeeriously. just sitting there watching i felt awkward. the things she does are just so like.... fuckin creepy.

well, i think i'll be off now. and remember: this blog is copyrighted.. not legally, but i say so.

so don't take my shit lol.

=)

note: will.i.am, is not high on chemical substances in the featured photo.

nice shirt

"Why allow someone to be your everything.....While allowing you to be their option??"

i saw this. and it sparked something in my brain.






..not the horny part of the brain though.

i feel like writing. i have times when i feel like writing for a million hours, a million weeks, months, a million years. until my hand falls off. i just never know what to write. but i want to write. even if it's the alphabet. i just want to see words move across the screen as i manoevre my fingers to the correct letters. fingers are so cool.

i watched America's Next Top Model. i'm on the fence. sometimes i like Melrose, but sometimes she annoys me when she sucks up and she has that dumb look on her face when one eyebrow is raised and her face is leaning slightly forward and she looks really interested in what the "sucker" is saying. get it? she's the "suckee" and she sucks up to the "suckER" haha.

i notice weird things about people. there was this sexy guy at our school last year. me and my friends were like wow hes hot. (he graduated). and one day i was like "you know what the sexiest thing about him is? the way his right eyebrow is always higher than his left eyebrow. it's just like.. so.. intriguing." haha. and then Sam said she had never noticed. and that was like, the first thing i noticed about him.

did you know my name re arranged spells Nice Shirt? i thought that was rather swell. why do people say swell? i mean, when something is swell isn't it like swollen? pull of puss and all great things like that? .. maybe saying "i'm swell" is like saying "i am filled with jubilance!" 'cause there's not many people i know that would randomly say "i am filled with dead white blood cells!"

well it's tired. i mean, i'm tired. and i'm debating whether i should talk to him on the telephone, or read some Art History.

a nice cunt punt

i love keane.

and i wanted to give Raquel (LB) a nice cunt punt for being such a downer. just watching her and how she made a big deal of things made me realize just how much of a girl i can be. HONEST TO GOD. i hope i never act that way towards Joe ever again. 'cause if i look anything like she does, i want to smack my head against the wall instantaneouslyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

strip tease for me, washing machine

why do we get turned on? why are teenagers usually stereotyped as horny? seriously though. i mean, think about it. when we see something dealing with sex, we get turned on. but why? ok, so you see two people going at it. big deal right? wrong. we get turned on. it's just human nature. something about it sparks some part of our brain and boom we get turned on like a fucking iPod. maybe it's 'cause when we're kids we learn that scenes that contain sex are forbidden, and it's something adults do, and we hear that it feels good and we get these pre-conceived views on it. we're like, grown into thinking that sex feels good, and that teenagers get horny when viewing two people going at it lol. when we're kids, it's the "forbidden fruit", and let's be honest, who doesn't want the forbidden fruit? but then i thought.. what if we were grown into thinking that washing machines were only in rated R movies, and that the humming of the washing machine turned us on, and that seeing a washing machine do it's thing sparked that area of our brain that made us horny. i know it sounds odd, but i just thought about that like ten minutes ago and had to let all of you know. haha. .. so yeah.. uhh.. ..awkwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrd

wouldn't have them any other way

so today my dad went hunting. he left, and then he rang the doorbell. he was like "can you grab my phone. it's plugged in in the chicken. i mean the kitchen"

HAHA. i was like laughing. haha it was so funny. 'cause earlier today he was cutting a chicken or something. i walk into the kitchen and theres this big pot and all i see is this chicken coming out of it haha. what a thing to wake up to hey.

my dad's hilarious though. yesterday i was walking up my driveway and he was shoveling snow and he looked like santa without the beard. his mustache was full of snow and he had this little tuque nicely propped a top his balding head. and i started laughing at him and he shooed me up the stairs with his shovel haha.

and then today before he went hunting he was like "can you put some vood in the stove downstairs. i'm going hunting. just put like 1 or 2 in. there's some vood by the stove." and i was like "ok".

haha. he makes me laugh. he's a little short chubby man (i'm taller than him) with greyish white hair and a thick italian accent. i hafta help him with spelling sometimes for his blueprints and stuff. he's a contruction foreman. and some people think he's in the mafia. negativeeeee. haha.

i dunno. my parents are pretty cool i guess. they're quite odd actually. my mom is like this unusually tall woman and my dad is this unusually short man haha. and they're like ten years apart. my mom's like... 49 and my dad's 60 next year. CRAZY HEY.

but i wouldn't have them any other way

prosthetic head

i want to go to Italy. i can't wait another certain amount of months. i need to go now. this place sucks right now

two birds with one stone

i need to gte out of this place. not just this bedroom, this house. i need to get out of this country. i had a dream last night. we lived in this odd house, and when i say odd i mean a house that isn't our own, and my room had a leak or something.. i woke up and my whole wall was wet, and rotting or something. so my dad tore it down. and there was like, this little room behind it that none of us used. so i suggested my dad leave the wall out of it so my room would be bigger. and that was my dream. i don't get it.. like, at all. haha.

i woke up this morning and my windows were iced.. as was the rest of my room. so i made some bullshit up that i didn't feel good, 'cause i didn't have a pleasant sleep at all last night. so my mom let me stay home (she's becoming quite reasonable these days lol). i slept 'til 11 something. my room is right by the garage AND outside. plus i didn't leave my door open yesterday so the fireplace heat could saturate my room (haha). i stayed home.. cleaned my room and stuff. and i have made a decision..

i am moving back to sleeping on my bed. i've been sleeping on my couch for months now. i do that sometimes. i'm a weird sleeper. i go months sleeping on my couch, and months sleeping on my bed. and some nights i end up sleeping on the floor cuz it feels good on my back, and i feel like i'm getting in touch with something. i don;t know.. don't ask me, i just feel that way sometimes. i'm a spiritual freak when it comes to sleeping on the floor haha. so yeah, i covered my couch and cleaned off my bed from the crap that it was covered in so it was sleepable. we'll see how it goes tonight. i think it'll be good, 'cause when i slept on the couch, my head was right by the window that goes to the outside, so my upper body was always cold and when i stick my hand out from under the covers, there was always a breeze..

it sounds like i live in a house made of mud or something haha.

watched Oprah today. some of the Ellen Degeneres show. i like watching Ellen. when she makes people dance and stuff. dancing is such a good pick me up. seriously.. that's probably why she's always so gay. yes.. if you haven't noticed i just killed two birds with one stone (thats the saying, right?..)

so i'm feeling pretty up to reading my art history book today. look through it. it's my brothers. he gave it to me when i thought about doing something with Art History.

so the lead singer of Phantom Planet is really quite hot. i'm not gonna lie.

we talked last night for like 20 minutes 'cause he was tired. it was good. i dunno.. when people say that phone calls are so important in any kind of relationship, i never got that. my mind never understood why.. like, why phone calls? isn't seeing that person in the flesh so much better..? but then when i was talking to him last night, i finally got it. i mean, when we talk on text message it's so.. like.. not them. you imagine them saying it right? but thats awful 'cause the mood you're in affects how you hear it in your head. so we were talking on the phone, and just hearing his voice is so nice. and hearing his little laughs and sighs here and there.. it was just.. good.

well i know Nicole's waiting for me to finish this up haha, so i will.... finish this up :P

"all i have to do is think of me and i'll have peace of mind."

dream - remember them?

flashback1:
She stole your heart
Only did it because she could
Chewed you up and spat you out
That girl never was no good
Baby I will never do thatI'll love you faithfully
But your suspicious mind thinks
I'm gonna repeat her story

That was her, this is me
We're as different as can be
She and I are nothing alike
You confusing day with night
That was then, this is now
You wanna trust me,
But you don't know how
I'm never gonna mess around,
Set you down, can't you see
That was her
And baby this is me

flashback2:
Pulling petals off a flower trying to get your way.
Keep pulling til' it says what you want it to say.
Girl you can pick a field full of daisies,
But he'd still be my baby.
Instinctively, I know what you're thinking,
You'll be giving him an open invitation,
But my baby won't be taken in.
You can pout your cherry lips,
Try to tend him with a sweet kiss.
You can flutt your pretty eyes,
He ain't got his hands tied.

You're the kind of girl that is always up for do or dare.
Only want him just because he's there.
Always looking for a new ride,
The grass is greener on the other side.
You're the kind of girl who's not use to hearing no,
All your lovers try to take you where you wanna go.
It doesn't matter how hard you try, you're never gonna get with my guy.


woooooow. i listen to songs like these, and actually enjoy them, and then i realize just how big of a fruit cake i really am.
but i wouldn't have it any other way.

ps. no subliminal messaging. as always =)

i'm scared of the word lol leave me alone

I keep on fallin in ---- with you
Sometimes I ---- ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
---ing you darling
Makes me so confused

How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool
I start fallin back in ---- with you

got your hand between my knees

i have a mental checklist of things i would like to say. but none of them seem all the great and important. so i'm kinda bored. have no homework. got my math test back.. 69%. 22/32. one of the higher marks. says a lot about my class hey. it's fucking gay. my teacher is gay. so is my social teacher. the only teachers i actually like this semester are Mr. F and Mrs. Page. wow. they're both so cool.
i had religion this morning and Mr F comes up to me holding his cup of coffee and he told me to touch the mug. i put the side of my finger on it and he was like "it's so nice and warm" and he was laughing. wow. now that i write it it sounds really creepy. but he really isn't creepy haha. he's so cool. short asian guy :P

as for my social teacher.. he's just a knob.

it's so cold out. it really sucks. on the bus for over an hour.. and my toes become completely frozen. i learned something about myself today. so i'm sitting there and my toes are in massive pain because they're about to get frostbite, and i sit there thinking about it. thinking about the pain, and it becomes not so bad. i find that when i think about the pain i'm going through, it's more bearable than if i were to try not to think about. i find myself embracing the pain and actually feeling it. instead of ignoring it, what people tell me to do when i'm in pain.

you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round around.

errr. blahhhh. i almost cried today. don't ask why. it was at lunch. me and Leigha were looking out the window. we were talking. and then there was a pause, and something happened. and i started tearing up. and i put my hands on my face, and she gave me a hug and a kiss, and i just kinda pulled myself together and told myself i couldn't do that there, i couldn't let it get to me.

when emotional is your middle name, it gets hard to keep away from it. i don't want to be emotional and i don't want to think. i hate being a girl and having this constant need to feel things. i'm sick of it. i don't need that extra emotional baggage bringing me down. it's a pain in the ass and i get so sick and tired of that feeling.. when you can;t breathe, and you feel cold and hot at the exact same time and you feel nauseous.. you feel sick, and then you just want to cry 'cause you haven't in a million months and you find something wrong with that because you're middle name is emotional.

everythings good now. i just need to learn to calm down. and step outside myself. i've said that before, but it's true. and when i feel the need to cry or something, i have to tell myself that i'm better than that. nothing should make me cry, unless it's to a good sad movie or when receiving a nice cunt punt. nothing else should make me cry. i hate fucking crying. i feel like i'm melting and my vision gets blurry and i don't like it when i can't see anything. that's the worst. when you cry and you can't see shit 'cause your eyes are a fucking faucet.

then you worry about how you look and then you feel like a faggot. nothing in this life is worth crying over. on the other hand, everything in this life is worth laughing for. and nicole may have a point.. that you need a balance. but i think laughing is a lot more fun than crying. especially when you're crying with this pain in your chest and that nauseous feeling inside. it's the mose awful thing i think. i had a flashback to last summer. except this time it went differently. and that makes me happy. it makes me want to jump around like a little kid on Christmas.

i love my kittens. i feel like cuddling with them right now. i'll be back

hey slim, i drank a fifth of vodka.. dare me to drive?

you other slim shady's are just imitating

so i chewed my thumb completely and absolutely raw this weekend. so bad that i just put a mound of polysporin on it, and wrapped it in kleenex.
i wrapped the kleenex with tape, ran out of tape, so i tied floss around it, then i put hockey tape around it.

don't be surprised if i wake up with no thumb in the morning.

donnie darko

so yeah. here's my dedication to Donnie Darko, another favorite of mine:

Sean Smith: Beer and pussy. That's all I need. Ronald Fisher: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette. Sean Smith: Smurfette? Ronald Fisher: Yeah, not some tight-ass Middlesex chick, right? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does. Donnie: Smurfette doesn't fuck. Ronald Fisher: That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny. Sean Smith: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual. Ronald Fisher: Okay, then, you know what? She fucks them and Vanity watches. Okay? Sean Smith: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action. Ronald Fisher: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang, and he beats off to the tape. Donnie: [shouts] First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick? Sean Smith: [pause] Dammit, Donnie. Why you gotta get all smart on us?

Donnie: I made a new friend today. Dr. Lilian Thurman: Real or imaginary? Donnie: Imaginary.

Frank: 28 days... six hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end.

Donnie: Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit? Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Donnie: [in a letter] Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and... there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

Sean Smith: [at the bus stop ] Good shit, eh? Donnie: Dude, it's a fucking cigarette.

Dr. Lilian Thurman: What did Roberta Sparrow say to you? Donnie: She said "Every living creature on earth dies alone".

Donnie: Ling Ling finds a wallet on the ground filled with money. She takes the wallet to the address on the driver's license but keeps the money inside the wallet. [Scoffs] Donnie: I-I'm sorry Mrs. Farmer. I don't get this. Donnie: Life isn't that simple. I mean who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love. Kitty Farmer: Fear and love are the deepest of human emotions. Donnie: Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here. Like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else!

Karen Pommeroy: This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful.

Emily Bates: Mom said the school is closed today because it's flooded, and there's feces everywhere! Susie Bates: What are feces? Emily Bates: Baby mice. Susie Bates: Aww.

Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you still think about girls a lot? Donnie: [Under hypnosis] Yeah. Dr. Lilian Thurman: How are things going at school? Donnie: I think about girls a lot. Dr. Lilian Thurman: I asked you about school, Donnie. Donnie: I think about fucking a lot, in school. Dr. Lilian Thurman: What else do you think about, when you're at school? Donnie: Married With Children. Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you think about your family? Donnie: I just turn down the volume and think about fucking Christina Applegate. Dr. Lilian Thurman: I asked you about your family. Donnie: [Chuckling] No, I don't think about fucking my family, that's gross.

Rose Darko: Our son just called me a bitch. Edward Darko: You're not a bitch. You're bitchin', but you're not a bitch.

Dr. Lilian Thurman: Donnie, an athiest is someone who denies altogether the existance of God. You're an agnostic. An agnostic is someone who believe that there can be no proof of the existance of God, but does not deny the possibility that God exists.

Jim Cunningham: Son... DO YOU SEE THIS? This is an Anger Prisoner. A textbook example. DO YOU SEE THE FEAR, PEOPLE? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places... Donnie: You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I... and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the fucking Antichrist.

Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems. Donnie: Oh, I have those too. What kind does your step dad have? Gretchen: He stabbed my mom four times in the chest. Donnie: Oh.

Donnie: You are such a fuckass. Elizabeth: Did you just call me a fuckass? You can go suck a fuck. Donnie: Oh, please, tell me Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?

Donnie: Frank, when's this gonna stop? Frank: You should already know that.

haha. it's so fucked up it's amazing.

i love EN

jesus christ its an amazing movie. it just blows my mind.

you have to watch American History X. for more than one reason:

1) it talks about real issues and it has a point
2) it's not one of those fucking dumbass movies for brain dead people
3) it brings to the table a different perspective on american life and makes you aware
4) Edward Norton is amazing in it and very very sexy
5) it pulls you in like never before
6) it makes you cry
7) it's unexpected

a long time ago

chrissy is hot shit,
so hot im gunna throw a fit.
She's funny smart and full of wit.
and you better watch out she don't put up wit shit.
You all wish you were as beautiful as this girl i know
.because then you could put on the hottest show.
she's just a young girl tryin to make it in the world.
so all you boys stay in line
cuz i know all you boys think this girl is fine

haha. by nathan

christine sixteen by KISS

she's got me dizzy, she sees me through to the end she's got me in her hands and there's no use in pretending christine sixteen, christine sixteen

she drives me crazy, i want to give her all i've got and she's hot every day and night, there is no doubt about it
christine sixteen, christine sixteen

"i don't usually say things like this to girls your age, but when i saw you coming out of the school that day, that day i knew, i knew, i've got to have you, i've got to have you."
she's' been around, but she's young and clean i've got to have her, can't live without her, whoo no

christine sixteen, christine sixteen
christine, christine, sixteen, sixteen christine, yeah, yeah so clean, christine, sixteen, sixteen christine, yeah, christine, yeah, yeah

they're talking about me i know it.

outside myself

i just need to step outside myself and know that i'm worth caring about. i need to realize how unimportant the details are sometimes. and i need to go with the flow.


be a mad woman to mad music

under the tuscan sun

this movie is seriously my safety blanket. i love it to death, and it makes me feel better anytime i'm feeling sad. it never fails. and it has so many inspiring quotes, that i just have to put all my favorite ones here:

Frances: Every day I watch for the old man with the flowers, and I wonder, was he born here? Did he love someone here? Did he lose someone here? He doesn't seem as curious about me, but that's all right. These days I'm something of a loner myself.

Frances: Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid. Martini: No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes. L'amore e cieco. Frances: Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying too. Martini: Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere.

Frances: What is it about love that makes us so stupid?

Frances: The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. Its such a suprise.

You have to live spherically, in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm...and...things will come your way.

Remember at the end when another man left her in the most terrible way. She thinks it's all over for her. Then, she see's some children playing in the street making music, and before she knows it, she's smiling again. That's what feyfey always said.. no matter what happens, always keep your childish innocence...it's the most important thing.

Frances: What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise.

Frances: I'd like to make an offer on the house. This is what I can pay, minus the work on the place, and a rental car to drive off a cliff when this all turns out to have been a terrible mistake.

Katherine: Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present.

Frances: Do traffic lights mean anythng around here? Marcello: Sure. Green light - avanti, avanti. Yellow light - decoration. Frances: What about red light? Marcello: Just a suggestion.

Katherine: Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

Martini: Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come

Frances: So I was now the owner of a villa whose lands it would take two oxen two days to plow. Owning neither an ox nor a plow, I'd have to take their word for that.

Frances: What's your name? Marcello: Marcello. Frances: Of course it is.

How are you ever going to behappy if you keep wallowing? Listen,when I was a little girl, I used to spend hourslooking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give upand fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up,they were crawling all over me.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

today already sucks already.

i realize i've used already twice.

i got me some chapstick

i'm just sitting here in silence. i need some music. hold on.

ok. hello. so i will start with the usual.

block one social - heard this girl talking about the world cup. one girl asked who won. she said "Italy, unfortunately". and then i felt the fury build inside. so i leaned forward and was like "are you guys talking about the world cup?" "yes." "oh yeah. i was in Italy for that. Italy was AWESOME. i was so HAPPY THEY WON THE WORLD CUP." lol. i was about ready to go up to her and give her a nice slap upside the head.

block two religion - listened to semi-homo student teacher again. did a test on Moses.

block three social - presented our group things. Mr. S saw me drawing an arrow on our sheet, when i was connecting two similar points, and he was just like "your bossy. your not even going to discuss with your group?" and i was like "i haven't done anything so far!" and he was like "you should discuss it with your group first" and i was like "fine then. i won't do anything next time." fuck he gets on my nerves. and then he told the class my new nickname is Bossy Rossi. like wtf is that. UGH. Madison called me that in math today.

lunch - hung out with Leigha, Lauren, Pascale and David. we went to the stage, which i thought was rather pointless, but then Lauren helped me realize that the whole lunch hour is pretty much a big waste. then i saw Cole. he threw me over his shoulder, and this time i didn't kick, i didn't scream.. only until i realized he was running towards the door, and then he flipped me the other way, and i got down, because i didn't want him to throw me in the snow. THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN GOOD. considering our school was super cold. and our locker is on a wall that also has the outside on the other side so everything in our locker was close to being frozen.

block 4 math - watched the football game in the states, and did our work. i have a test tomorrow. i think i might actually do good on this one.

block 5 biology - i don't remember much about bio. i remember checking for Amanda's pulse, and laughing after i couldn't think of a question to ask her to see if she was lieing. haha

bus ride - Tanner shared some of his chips, i fell asleep with my hood on and my head leaning on the back of the seat in front of me. Tanner woke me up when he was leaving though. and my toes almost fell off again. that dumb bus is fucking cold.

no i'm here. the thing that made me most happy today was the fact that i had chapstick, and that my lips were no longer dry. does that mean my day sucked? not really. i'm just really thankful for my chapstick. it's Blistex. the berry kind. it also has SPF 15, although i don't really think thats necessary in this kind of weather.

do you ever have those moments when you're mad at someone for something.. let's say texting you back. and then a few minutes later you're just like. "why am i mad. i'm not even mad. i mean, yeah i'm annoyed. but i'm sure there's a good reason for his not talking to me. he wouldn't just........ not talk to me. lol". hmm. it's ok. i need to back off sometimes. do something else with myself. i read The Book last night. i don't think i've ever talked about this book in here. but i read it last year, and i remember wanting to smack myself for not reading it when i had the chance to make things better with someone else. it's a good book. and i have to admit, when people ask to borrow it... deep down i want to put chains on it and attach it to myself lol. it's helped me a lot with understanding things. i read it last night for the first time in a long while. and i can tell you.. i got some understanding out of it.

i went to bed at 11:15 last night. and i am tired. and i kinda feel shitty. i think i'm gonna get off the computer now. my plan for tonight? 1) do some work out because that always makes me feel better 2) study math thoroughly 3) watch The OC if i have time.

twisted logic

it makes me go crazy to a certain extent. after that, it just makes me feel unwanted and unneeded.

i don't understand the logics behind your actions sometimes..

i'm morbid

so today was eventful.

block1 communications- me and Will walked around and took pictures. well, he took them. and happened to be recording videos as well. and he took really random pictures of me and i've never seen him laugh so hard haha. i just happened to have a ton of odd expressions today. lol. i shall post them one day. probably tomorrow or something. if this stupid thing let's me put pictures up. UGH

block2 social- got made fun of as usual. Alex needed my math worksheet, so i asked Mr.S to let me go to my locker. he asked why and i said i needed a textbook. then i said i needed a worksheet. he said for what. and i said for math. and he said it was't math. and then i said it's for Alex so he could check his answers. and he was like oh, he's gonna copy your answers. and i said no, just look. and he shooed me out lol. then we were put in groups for some project thing.

block3 religion- first day student teacher suckiness. he sounds gay. and he was not interesting at all.

lunch- walked around with Leigha and all them. can't really remember what we did exactly.

block4 biology- disected a pig heart. was mighty fun. i was really into it. after we were done doing what we needed to do with it, we were allowed to explore it and what not, and it was so cool. i destroyed it to bits. and then i told Melissa i wanted to chuck it against the wall. and she was like "you're so morbid. but i love it." and i asked what it meant, and she said sick and twisted haha. but it was so squishy and stuff, i just had the urge to throw it at something. and i cut off little chunks and she wanted to throw them at people in the hallway. haha. it was a lot of fun.

block5 math- worked on review. i actually did my work. sat with Alex. and bugged Madison until he was about to put a gun to my head or something 'cause i kept asking him if i was doing things right. and then i stole his apple juice. and it was some damn good apple juice. and i let him know often. haha. he was pretty annoyed i'm not gonna lie.

slept on the bus ride home. and almost froze to death.

it was a pretty good day. actually, it was a very good day.

three and a half hours

so i don't think i'm moody anymore. i don't think. i'm pretty content. i think it's 'cause i just had to turn the volume up a bit more. and about 10 minutes ago i realized that my bass was turned down low. so it wasn't on to it's full potential. and bass is the best part.
so i snuck out last night. around 2:30 or so, and came back at 3:45 or so. i woke up at 6:30 or so. i took a nap. and today i was pretty fine. i was probably more energetic than usual, which makes no sense at all. but then there was those times when i'd get dizzy for a bit, and lose concentration. i actually did more work today in my classes. i can honestly say i had more concentration than i usually do. but tonight i told myself i was going to sleep at 8. so that gives me another 3 and a half hours 'til bedtime. i doubt that'll happen. i can't fall asleep before 10. i'd lay there for 2 hours doing nothing, and thinking about nothing. i'd probably listen to music. usually i do right before bed. on my iPod, not on my computer. and i listen to all my favorite songs really loud and i mouth the words and i'm pretty much an air lead singer lol. i can be a one person air band. i can play all air instruments. i've talked about it before, but it's only 'cause it's true. i just have a talent for these things.

so yeah, i'm pretty happy i didn't get caught last night. 'cause i thought for sure something was gonna go wrong since something always does. but i didn't let anything go wrong. i was paranoid, so i did everything i could to prevent noise. i taped my zippers on my coat so they wouldn't jingle haha. plus, i had my cigarettes and lighter in a tin, and i filled it with kleenex so that they wouldn;t make noise in my pocket. i'm a smart thinker, i think. lol. i think things through a lot. well, i take that back. it depends. sometimes i think through things, and sometimes i don't think. and then i get into shit. because i'm dumb. and i get cocky, and i think nothing bad can happen, and then that's when i fuckin screw up and it sucks. UGH. i fucking hate that.
hmm. anyways.

i might write later. right now i am cold.

i go on strike

so yeah. pretty bored. sitting here. still have some hours ahead of me. i need sleep. i need sleep. i'm so like..

a teeter-totter. seriously. i don't know what i feel like. it's so. just fuckin gay. i'm so moody, things are ticking me off. and everyone's irritating, like i'm surrounded by a bunch of little gnats, or aphids, or mosquitos. i just feel like telling everyone to shut the fuck up. it's horrible. and the few times i laugh at a joke or something, i try dragging it on so i can laugh more. 'cause i love laughing. laughing is one thing i can do great. but i get into these ruts. where i'm walking in a cave where everyone's just fucking gay lol. and everyone says the wrong things. and everyone does the wrong things. i always get like this sometimes. i want to go to Italy. but it'll go away. i'm sure of it.

can lack of sleep make you the biggest bitch in the world? i wanna smoke. i wanna smoke 5 billion cigarettes. i want my fingers to be smelly, and i want to taste that awful taste in my mouth. and i want to feel bouncy when i walk. and i want to listen to my music loud so loud so loud so loud i might damage those little hairs in your ears that detect sound or whatever.
i'm trying to think of what usually makes me happy no matter what. i'm not even turned on by anything whatsoever right now. and that's very unusual i'm turned on/horny/rarin' to go 24 hours a day seven days a week. i just think about something and it's like BOOM. but i don't even get that way when i think about him right now. i just wanna see him. see him a few inches from my face.
i want to watch a really sad movie. so i have a reason to let tears out. do you ever get that way? i mean, i'm such a crier, and i haven't cried for any reason in forever. and sometimes you get like a build up of tears, that are just there. for no apparent reason. no reason at all, it's just there and it needs to be emptied. and you don't want to just cry over nothing, so watching a good sad movie should do it. i need to watch Armageddon. but it's like midnight. i don't really have time to watch a movie now do i. this chair fuckin squeaks. i need to be outside. i need to be one with nature for a bit. my lips are so fuckin chapped too. it sucksssss.

so i need to put my phone in between my legs cuz when i put it on my desk it vibrates and makes a loud racket, so there it is, in between my thighs on my lap, and i don't even get anything out of the vibrations every couple minutes. haha. i need to read a book. books are always good. and if you have a good one, i might just cry. i've cried at books before. it's weird though, i don't really finish books. like, i'll read it. it'll be boring at first like they all are for me, i'll get into it, and then i'll just stop reading it. there's this one book, The Pilot's Wife (Oprah's Book CLub WOOHOO), and i still have to finish that it's been almost a year. i read half of that book called Night (Oprah's Book CLub WOOHOO), the one about the concentration camps and stuff. written by Elie Wiesel. who experienced concentration camps first hand. he must have some major tear build up. unless he cries often. having lost your family in such a harsh way, and to live your life, thinking about it everyday.. i'd never get over it. i'd never be able to get over it. it would be like a bad break-up, and your next boyfriend is sadness. you'd spend all your time with sadness, kissing it, possibly making love to it.. only creating even more sadness which is never good.
or maybe you could do what he actually did, and did something awesome with his life and wrote a million books or a number somewhere around there, and he's a University professor. like wow. that takes courage.

i've decided i'm going to be a designer of some sort. possibly Interior Design.. or Visual Communications. i think it'll be fun, 'cause i have to take Art History for those too.. and i think i'd like that.

i get moments where i lose hearing in one ear, my vision is distorted, not extremely, but like... i get dizzy sort of, i get the feeling i get after i smoke, and i get almost a nauseous feeling. and it's weird. and then i think outside myself. and i'll write him back, and not realize what i've written until after i've sent it. and i'm afraid i said something dumb, but when i look at my outbox, what i wrote makes perfect sense, and it's written exactly the way i feel it. i asked him "what's wrong", and he said "nothing, it just seems like there's something wrong with you lol.."

there is something wrong. i'm just not happy. i don't know why. maybe it's time i dated sleep, and made babies with sleep, but i look at the time, it's 11:56, what's the point, if i really wanted to wake up refreshed tomorrow morning i'd need to go to sleep at ten or something. i might as well stay up, and let him come see me. i only have to wait another hour and a half..

this fucking playlist sucks ass.

i wish i knew what was going on. or maybe all this shittiness (yes, i said shittiness, it's so much more than suckiness, you must realize this difference), is because i'm supposed to that stupid monthly thing tomorrow. FUCKING GAY I SAY.

i go on strike. for what you ask? for being a mood swingy girl, that's what.

hook2

the game of pick up sticks played by fucking lunatics

hook

So what if I want to kiss
From your toes up to your lips

sentimentals

- i'm going to regret being a ballet dancer when i'm older. my ballet teacer, Ms. Crystal, is close to being broken. sometimes watching her makes my joints hurt. i'm pretty scared i'm not gonna lie. and everytime i go on pointe, i can feel my bones slowly deteriorating.
cool hey

-kay so i strongly disagree with the ten commandments. sure i may be sounding really naive and dumb. and i guess they're cool to a certain extent, and maybe i just think this way because of what my religion teacher says, but if the ten commandments are the requirements to go to heaven then we're all pretty much doomed to hell. know how i know? because i'm pretty sure everyone on this Earth has had dirty thoughts. and guess what, one of the ten commandments forbids that. so in lamest terms, i'm ending up in the depths of the depths of hell. because that's pretty much the ingredients of my brain.

- everytime i type brain, i write brian and i hafta delete it. but the thought of Brian never leaves my mind.
sucky hey

-going to Italy with my brother and my cousin this summer. who can't wait? I CAN'T. this is gonna be the first time i go there in two consecutive years. i am actually so fucking excited. i miss it so much. and my brother wants to go back to Cinque Terre. last time we went there and we did two of the four hikes. one of them was like 3 hours, the other one was the Lover's Walk. and then there's two other ones. one is like 5 hours or something, but it started raining so we didn't do it. it's funny, we look at pictures from that, us four as a family, red-faced, my dad without his shirt on haha, my brother carrying the knapsacks, my dad's binoculurs around his neck, my mom carrying her camera. then there's me, my hair up in this bun, my glasses on, wearing a white halter top and a white skirt. carrying a walking stick. haha. it makes me laugh. just everything about that place, is so familiar. and i love seeing all that there is to see. i'm so lucky to have been able to experience all this, and i am so grateful all the time. i mean, there's nowhere else i would rather be. i feel so at home, sometimes i feel more at home there than i do here. i would give anything to be in that car with my mom in the front, my uncle driving, me and the two beautiful little cousins sleeping on me in the back. i remember just listening to my music.. looking out the window... seeing the fields upon fields of sunflowers.. thinking "this is Tuscany. this is Tuscany. i am on a road trip from Torino, through Tuscany, to Rome." i mean, who ever gets the chance to say or even think that?! i just miss it so much. the feeling i miss most is sitting at the edge of the water of Lago di Tovel. we go there every time, take the walk around the lake.. it's just amazing. and the feeling i get is just.. i don't even know the words to describe it.
i mean, i go there and i realize what life is all about. i realize what it means to have fun. i realize how amazing it is to communicate and make friends with people of a completely different culture. i remember, i went there when i was 14, i had just finished grade 8. i reunited with all my friends there, and we hung out all the time and everything, and i remember going into grade 9, and just being amazed at how easy it was to make friends. grade 9 was the year i broke out of my shell. definitely. i guess we take advantage of how easy it is to communicate with people. it's not until you don't have the language in common that you realize how easy it is..
and this summer, to go there with my brother.. it'll be amazing. we'll go everywhere. i mean, i went with my brother when i was 10, just me and him, but that's not the same. now we're older, i'll be going into grade twelve, he'll be a graduate from University, and we're gonna party hard, travel lots, take tons of pictures, meet lots of people, laugh.. and just make a ton of memories. fuck. i'm getting sentimental. i'll stop now.

- so my cousin Francesco, he's my dad's brother's son, also known as a disrespectful prick who UGH. makes me angry. ..long story, my dad and his brother don't talk anymore. 'cause he's a fucking money stealer and alcoholic. anyways, Francesco, he's 18, and dropped out of school and shit. by the way he lives in Italy.. so yeah, he got into a car accident. the car flipped over and skidded and did everything a car could possibly do and then he smashed into a stone wall. fucking dummie. ends up in the hospital with a few broken vertebrae.

- so Joe was about to come last night. like, it was so close to happening. i was sitting there, with the plan in my head, i had my shoes in my hand, my coat over my arm, pockets filled with a tin packed with 3 cigarettes, a lighter and kleenex to stop it from clanking around. had my keys just in case, my mitts, my cell phone up my sleeve, my ipod in my ear and in my pouch. it was about 12:15 or so, about the time he was supposed to call to tell me he was on his way. calls me up and tells me he can't come. because something happened. but WOW. it's the closest we've ever gotten haha. my legs are pretty nicely shaven though, since i shaved them everyday this weekend 'cause we planned for me to sneak out every single night haha. we have a different plan for next time though. hopefully it goes the way it's planned.

- so me and Leigha are gonna get magnetic nipple rings so that our boobs will be drawn together when in close contact. 'cause, you know, our nipples are in close contact almost.. all the time.

- getting a Brazilian with Stephanie and Britnee before December 9. i kinda can't wait. i'm pretty excited to see if i have a high pain tolerance or not. for some reason i think i do. i can take ANY pain. pffft.

- i got 18/40 on my social test today. it's all your fault, blog. fuuuuuuck. i almost cried.

- saw Joe today at lunch today for the first time in like 2 weeks. and yeah.. he was sweet today.. 'cause i usually end up going to class after in a bad mood. but this time i wasn't =)

- so in math i sit by Breanne now. a way better pertner than Brenden. definitely. me and her are like twins i swear.. lmao. Brenden even said that. we're fabulous. =)

- i'd probably do better in a self-taught social class. seriously. my social teacher sucks major ass munches.

- i'm feelings pretty good right now. minus anything to do with school.

- my brother's girlfriend is pretty cool. she's pretty too. we had this big dinner yesterday for my aunt and uncle's 46th anniversary. she came. she's funny haha. i completely approve. it's weird. my brother never has girlfriends. he never has time. it's cool that he found someone he could make time for though. he's probably a good boyfriend too. i mean, just the way he is with people. he's really generous, and patient. and he's funny. like, he laughs at my jokes. and it makes me feel good about myself. and he doesn't treat me like a little sister, he treats me like i'm one of his friends. he's not like embarrassed to take me places where his friends are gonna be. his friends are pretty cool. some are slightly attractive as well.. ahem. but yeah, sometimes i don't see him for weeks. and when i do he's always like "OH LOOK IT'S MY LITTLE SISTER CHRISTINE! COME HERE AND GIVE YOUR BIG BROTHER A HUG" lmao. and then i'm like "you're weird" and i make it all awkward. i have this scrunched up look on my face and have to bite my tongue before i give him a hug. but deep down i love him. i love having an older brother like him.

- it just makes me mad when he doesn't reply to my text messages.

- so life's good. just like that cell phone commercial for LG or whatever. school's the only downer. and even with that i'm being a mix of ignorant and positive. in Social, i can always bring my mark up with big projects he gives us 'cause i do shitty on his tests, but Social's not really my worst subject. Biology i'm doing fairly well, always room for improvement, but i'm above 80.. i think, and that's all that really matters. Religion, we're having a Moses test on thursday which i can study for and get good on to bring my 67 up. PLUS, i think i'm the only one who actually did their 10 hours of service so far haha. Math, last time i checked i brought it up one percent to 71%, and it still a ways to go since i got 90% on this one worksheet that he still had to add. and i have a test Friday that i will study hard for to make my mommy proud. and i'll do good and my world will finally be filled with lollipops, unicorns and rainbows. i love my mom.

- well since this is dragging on, i would like to say sorry for all the sentimentalities. lol.

together

You and me forever
We belong together
And we'll always endeavor
Throughout any type of weather

You want everything to be just like
The stories that you read but never write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
Or you'll get burned

You wrote our names down on the sidewalk
The rain came and washed 'em offS
o we should write 'em again on wet cement
So maybe people a long time from now will know what we meant

You want every morning to be just like
The stories that you read but never write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
My only concern

I'm adding something new to the mixture
So there's a different hue to your picture
A different ending to this fairytale
When the sunset into which we sail

You want everything to be just like
The stories that you read but you can't write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
Or you'll get burned

poor guys

why does everyone hate the dentist??

i don't like it or hate it. it really has no effect on me whatsoever. i just feel bad for them.
to go through all those years of schooling, just to be hated.

this is for me, not you

so yeah. i read Nicole's blog. and i realized me and her have the total opposite problem. she can't find anything she likes to do when she's older. and i have too much to pick from. here's any job that i have ever considered:

1. teacher - ever since i was a kid, i always liked playing school. my mom thinks i would be a good teacher. i don't want to be one.. but sometimes when i look deep down, i can see myself doing this. and having fun.
2. chemist - when i was a kid, i loved taking creams and powders and perfumes and i loved mixing them together to see what happened. and i pretended to make my own hand creams and such.
3. graphic designer - i love computers. and i love design. what could be better?
4. art historian - anything to do with art history. i found this out this summer. when i think about it it's really appealing. my cousin, she's a personologist (she helps people with career choices and marital problems), she told me i would love art history.
5. psychologist - i love the way the brain works. and i love human behaviour. and thought processes. i also love listening to people's problems, and trying to fix them.
6. fashion designer - i love fooling around with clothes. i used to make my own purses out of old pants. i love fashion and i love designing it. the only thing in my way, my drawing incapabilites. but i always wanted to be the one to make Zellers cool, 'cause that's where my clothes would probably be sold. haha
7. interior designer - i used to love Trading Spaces. and even when i was a kid, i changed my room around constantly. i love arranging space, and creating a new feel to an area. i also would absolutely go insane in Ikea.
8. magazine editor - i love magazines. and i love writing. what could be better?
9. website designer - i love computers. and just like interior design, i love to create a new feel to a space. and a website is most definitely a space. i just love deciding color schemes and pictures.
10. photographer - i like capturing beauty in ordinary things. and my photographer uncle has inspired me so much.
11. writer - i think you can figure out the reasoning behind this one on your own.
12. dermatologist - i've thought about this before. i think it would be a mix between a chemist, and having something to do with cosmetology. two things i clearly love.
13. spa owner - i would love to be an owner of some kind of cosmetology place. like a spa, or a salon. it would be great.
14. business person - i think it would be cool to be the owner of anything. just look at Donald Trump. the only thing in my way, is the fact that my brother said the Marketing course and Business course's are really dry.
15. receptionist - i always pretended i was one when i played on the computer and such. talking to people, booking appointment, answering phones. sounds fun. also sounds repetitive.
16. personal shopper - sounds fun and idealistic. almost too idealistic. but i love putting things together for people and making them feel good about themselves.

i thought long and hard about all these. i love all of them, but i always see myself sucking majorly at all of them.. =(

dinner table lingo

hullo. my brother is going to see the new James Bond downtown tonight. my parent's are probably going out to my aunt's place. and i'm gonna be here. doing any of the following: 1. play video games 2. watch movies 3. go on computer 4. start studying social for once.

all are very likely except number 4. it would be ideal, but everything thats good for me, i usually subconsciously avoid.
i am so paranoid when i listen to my music loud. i'm always worried someone's gonna call me from outside my room and i won't be able to hear them. and then my mom will spaz. and practically break down my door 'cause it's always locked. well, actually, things used to work that way. now she just calls my cell phone.

i realized something sad. my family is really distant. like, really. i'm always in my room, my brother's never home, my dad's always outside, and my mom's always in the living room/kitchen. and we rarely talk. like, we do. we have dinner together usually, and that's when it's nicest. we usually have debates about stuff. for example, tonight everyone was here including my brother. and the news was on, and it was something about George Bush. and my brother started talking about how stupid he is. and here's how our conversation went:
Christine: why does everyone hate George Bush? it's stupid. it's like the new fad to hate George Bush.
Daniel: what do you know. do you know how many mistakes he's made?
Christine: first of all, he's a president. and that's probably hard enough without people bashing him left, right and center. plus, i'm sure you would make a few mistakes if you were a president too. there's always gonna be people who disagree with decisions made. (i really sounded like i knew what i was talking about).
Daniel: ok, that's true, but he keeps making the same mistakes over and over.
Christine: thats not true.
Daniel: ok, since you seem to know so much about what's going on in US government, prove your case.
Christine: umm.. well.. he's probably got, like, a ton of pressure on him.. i'm sure you'd mess up too a couple times.
Daniel: so you have no proof?
Christine: no. well, yes i do. i do have proof. it's called human nature. people tend to mess up when a lot of pressure is put on them.

...and so on. of course, Daniel ended up winning. simply because he's older. and i know nothing of the world around us haha. then we all had a big conversation on what my brother's going to do for his 21st birthday.
Mom: so what are you planning to do for your birthday?
Christine: yeah, it's a Saturday.
Daniel: i dunno. probably nothing.
Christine: that's the way to go.
Mom: are you sure? we could order pizza, i could make chicken wings and you could have some people over if you want.
Daniel: yes! of course. it'll be just like in junior high.
*Christine and Daniel roll eyes at each other*
Christine: you're gonna be 21. YOU'LL BE LEGAL IN THE STATES!
Mom: so what ar you gonna do?
Christine: no, see, this is what has to happen. we'll invite like 200 people, shove them in the basement. serve some alcohol. get everyone drunk. possibly sell some Ecstacty pills...
Mom: yeah. ok.

wow. we actually discussed a ton of stuff at the dinner table. my brother left first, even after i pleaded him to stay seated and share every detail of his life with us, just like my mother was asking. and then she got mad at me.

but anyways. my parents just left. OMG. you know what that means?? i'm home alone. and it's Friday night. ..

and do you know what Friday nights by myself mean??
no, nothing rated R.

i'll just be back in a secondddddd. HA. what a coincidence. the song playing on my computer right now is Jealous of Your Cigarette. wow. i love you, computer.

spice girls

Holler - http://youtube.com/watch?v=2bGqoY7H2Vc&mode=related&search= Goodbye - http://youtube.com/watch?v=2bGqoY7H2Vc&mode=related&search= woooooow. love them. so. much.

career day

so today was seriously the biggest waste of time that i have ever wasted my time on.
i went to Career Day. went to the Hairstyling session. the Psychologist session. and the Lawyer session. and to be quite honest, i almost fell asleep, and if i learned one thing today, it's that i am a lazy fuck and i'm probably going nowhere in life. i mean, the stuff they talked about was just like. wow. i don't think i can do all that. i mean, i'm sitting in this desk, listening to this lady talk about Hairstyling. and she was tlaking about getting your Hairdressing license and all that. and i just sat there thinking how fucked over i would feel if i went through all that, just to suck ass at doing other people's hair. it scares me. like, maybe it's 'cause i'm still learning, but i wouldn't be confident enough to cut someone else's hair. i don't know. just thinking about what i have to do to get there scares me. i'm not a very outgoing person, and just to think about all this stuff. it's just so overwhelming. me and Leigha were in the gym looking at University displays. and i turned to her and asked "why are they doing this to us?". i think she said something along the lines of "why not?". she clearly doesn't understand. i mean, holy shit. i have no fucking clue what i want to do with my life. and today i felt the pressure big time. we had to pick three different career paths. and that to me screamed "pick three fucking career choices and soak up the information you learn or you'll go nowhere in life." and today was simply a big waste of time.
the only thing that affected me in a positive way was the motivational speaker at the beginning. he started my day off really well. he had to be one of the funniest, most amazing people i have ever met. he doesn't have any arms, and he apparently has chubby toes, according to his piano teacher who refused to teach him. he was really good though. i mean, he did exactly what motivational speakers are supposed to do. motivate people. i felt motivated by the end of his speech. i felt like i could take on the world. i felt unstoppable, like i could do anything.

and that;s where the problem lies. there's just too much i think i could do. and i can't just narrow it down to one. i can't put my finger on one thing, and stick with it for the rest of my life. i would hate to be one of those people who choose the wrong career, and have to go back to school to find out the thing they really were meant to do. the thing they really were meant to do on this planet. and then i think of all the other things in this world that i have yet to discover, and it's just so overwhelming i might break out into a cold sweat.
but back onto the topic of having too many things i think i could do, i also think i'm not adequate enough for those things. i picture myself doing that profession, and i just see myself sucking major ass at it. and not getting anywhere with it. why does it have to be so easy for everyone else? like, to live with a brother who's got everything going for him.. its just frustrating. he graduates this year with a degree in Industrial Design. and he's known what he wanted to do since he was a kid. something with drawing. he was born with this amazing talent for drawing and art.. and creativity. and then i was born with nothing extra special. i've never had any immense interest in anything but things that will get me nowhere in life. liike writing in this fucking blog. look at how much time i spend, just writing about how fucking gay life can be towards you. maybe i should do something with computers. but i wanna do something with cosmetology. but i also wanna do something in fashion. but i wanna do something that deals with human behaviour. but i also wanna do something with writing.

i have come to the conclusion that i am one of those all over the place people. we took a quiz in the psychologist session, and me and Nicole laughed at our results. i ended with 54 (Dr.Phil's score was 55, and Oprah's was 38). Nicole had like 43 or something like that. but you know what it said for me? it said i am bold, andventrous, and impulsive. it also said people love being around me because i radiate excitement. and i did not understand that one bit. I HATE QUIZZES. i always get so caught up in what i'm choosing, because i usually apply to more than one thing. and then i end up thinking the final result isn't accurate, leaving me with no more knowledge about myself than what i had before i did the quiz. and when he was scrolling through all the other scores, i honeslty could have fit perfectly in any of those. including the "boring person" one. because i am boring sometimes. it's just who i am. but then again, who the fuck am i. i don't know, and i wish i did, and i usually don't worry about finding out who i am because i'm still young, and that's why i hated career day, because it aroused all these questions about myself that i would rather not ask myself becuase i know i'll start worrying and overthink and over react and over exaggerate and i'll break into hives.

i am fucked. now leave me alone..