career day

so today was seriously the biggest waste of time that i have ever wasted my time on.
i went to Career Day. went to the Hairstyling session. the Psychologist session. and the Lawyer session. and to be quite honest, i almost fell asleep, and if i learned one thing today, it's that i am a lazy fuck and i'm probably going nowhere in life. i mean, the stuff they talked about was just like. wow. i don't think i can do all that. i mean, i'm sitting in this desk, listening to this lady talk about Hairstyling. and she was tlaking about getting your Hairdressing license and all that. and i just sat there thinking how fucked over i would feel if i went through all that, just to suck ass at doing other people's hair. it scares me. like, maybe it's 'cause i'm still learning, but i wouldn't be confident enough to cut someone else's hair. i don't know. just thinking about what i have to do to get there scares me. i'm not a very outgoing person, and just to think about all this stuff. it's just so overwhelming. me and Leigha were in the gym looking at University displays. and i turned to her and asked "why are they doing this to us?". i think she said something along the lines of "why not?". she clearly doesn't understand. i mean, holy shit. i have no fucking clue what i want to do with my life. and today i felt the pressure big time. we had to pick three different career paths. and that to me screamed "pick three fucking career choices and soak up the information you learn or you'll go nowhere in life." and today was simply a big waste of time.
the only thing that affected me in a positive way was the motivational speaker at the beginning. he started my day off really well. he had to be one of the funniest, most amazing people i have ever met. he doesn't have any arms, and he apparently has chubby toes, according to his piano teacher who refused to teach him. he was really good though. i mean, he did exactly what motivational speakers are supposed to do. motivate people. i felt motivated by the end of his speech. i felt like i could take on the world. i felt unstoppable, like i could do anything.

and that;s where the problem lies. there's just too much i think i could do. and i can't just narrow it down to one. i can't put my finger on one thing, and stick with it for the rest of my life. i would hate to be one of those people who choose the wrong career, and have to go back to school to find out the thing they really were meant to do. the thing they really were meant to do on this planet. and then i think of all the other things in this world that i have yet to discover, and it's just so overwhelming i might break out into a cold sweat.
but back onto the topic of having too many things i think i could do, i also think i'm not adequate enough for those things. i picture myself doing that profession, and i just see myself sucking major ass at it. and not getting anywhere with it. why does it have to be so easy for everyone else? like, to live with a brother who's got everything going for him.. its just frustrating. he graduates this year with a degree in Industrial Design. and he's known what he wanted to do since he was a kid. something with drawing. he was born with this amazing talent for drawing and art.. and creativity. and then i was born with nothing extra special. i've never had any immense interest in anything but things that will get me nowhere in life. liike writing in this fucking blog. look at how much time i spend, just writing about how fucking gay life can be towards you. maybe i should do something with computers. but i wanna do something with cosmetology. but i also wanna do something in fashion. but i wanna do something that deals with human behaviour. but i also wanna do something with writing.

i have come to the conclusion that i am one of those all over the place people. we took a quiz in the psychologist session, and me and Nicole laughed at our results. i ended with 54 (Dr.Phil's score was 55, and Oprah's was 38). Nicole had like 43 or something like that. but you know what it said for me? it said i am bold, andventrous, and impulsive. it also said people love being around me because i radiate excitement. and i did not understand that one bit. I HATE QUIZZES. i always get so caught up in what i'm choosing, because i usually apply to more than one thing. and then i end up thinking the final result isn't accurate, leaving me with no more knowledge about myself than what i had before i did the quiz. and when he was scrolling through all the other scores, i honeslty could have fit perfectly in any of those. including the "boring person" one. because i am boring sometimes. it's just who i am. but then again, who the fuck am i. i don't know, and i wish i did, and i usually don't worry about finding out who i am because i'm still young, and that's why i hated career day, because it aroused all these questions about myself that i would rather not ask myself becuase i know i'll start worrying and overthink and over react and over exaggerate and i'll break into hives.

i am fucked. now leave me alone..