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thats my new blog sans emotional baggage.

this is it. 1, 430 entries of my life.

there's something about this that isn't satisfying anymore

i'm starting a new blog on a new site...  details coming soon

it melts open a portal for good things and flowers

i sleep with windows open i sleep with eyes wide in case you would come walkin

in case you change your mind

don't break yourself for me

i was talking about tea watering those flowers that do exist within me when i don't want to

oppress them

i need to dig into the dirt and plant some roots to go back to when i find out rainbows 

really aren't a gift 

and peace signs turn into middle fingers, where eyes are no longer clear windows to souls

that don't exist anymore

or did they ever

the black ink stains my fingers as it does the cement floor 

and the organic peppermint tea stains my insides

let me speak to you and tell you this 

when you feel frustrated or upset

and drink digestive aids and don't go on facebook 

because you may feel hopeless at the changes that continue to occur

over and overwhen you seem to be getting used to the way things are

open the journal you once wrote in and take a peek, read the words to feel how you felt

only to realize that has not changed

you feel the same as you always did but how come

if facebook can change, then why can i not?

dry grass is something not to be jealous of i can't wait for lush grass and never ending sunsets

that never seem to end

i would not mind drinking myself to death if the killer were this peppermint tea

it sets the balance of the world right

now come smoke some grass with me because this is the end of the ABC's

i hate the layout of this blog now.  i have garlic bread jammed in my throat and its hard to swallow

i just sit sit here listening to mgmt

in this lighting that makes me pleasantly uncomfortable

salvia scares me as i almost entered that world 

i felt under the sea  hands clammy mouth freshly wet

arms floating eyes welling up

i can breathe under water but i was scared it would fade away

olivia was loud in her trip i

 was scared she'd wake my parents

hey mom and dad we're just smoking a legal drug old in a store that is apparently stronger than LSD

lucy in the sky with diamonds

pot is my safety net, i would much rather do what i usually do 

without worrying and barricading doors for harder drugs

it's a huge part of my life and i wish i could tell them

other times i feel i just do it cuz im bored

like now the best feeling is knowing i can watch a fantastic movie and 

smoke from the Lebanese 

Blonde and feel real good

and then have no problem sleeping

then to wake up in hours eat lasagna for lunch and go to olivias

to move her room around and then work and then do the exact same thing i will be doing

its something to rely on, that i can rely on 

thats exactly it

meet the Lebanese Blonde, she is mine and Olivia's bong.

isn't she beautiful?

i am free eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i need to decide what to eeeeeeeat

i'm feeling it, now.

when it's late and i wrap up all conversations in the virtual world

and i get ready for bed.. i sit here empty handed and 

i need to do something

this is the time when i would smoke in bed

but i have none and so

it goes.

10 000 songs and i don't know what could fill up this space positively

i settle for Amsterdam.

i minorly cut my hair tonight. i have an art history exam tomorrow.  

i hope i do ok. hope can't really help, though.  

time is on my side, hey?  i'm not sure i agree with that after the last year and a half went by. 

things started speeding up around the time i met Vitto, around my 18th birthday.

it's like time said, "you're an adult now, you get to feel like adults feel on their birthdays" and this time warp hasn't stopped yet.

i need a bedtime conversation. so i send Vitto a text. just now.

his response i can rely on.  i suppose i can't say that i can't sleep, because i haven't really tried.

what i really wanna do is listen to music and sing sing sing

its the only thing i always want to do deep down.. singing makes me happy

especially screaming words in a large crowd hopefully led by Chris Martin.

i'm still deciding whether punctuation is cool or not.  or whether it would be cool to just have an entire blog conversation as a run on sentence that will never stop and it will keep going on forever as long as i am living and writing and it is sort of like On The Road

is it not

it's just a long scroll of words and thoughts right

punctuation only gets in the way of words and the path that an individual would like to take

when reading 

the only punctuation needed are line breaks where the lines break

and forces your eye movement to also be broken

oh geez the Oath of Horatii is by David and it's neoclassical

how high can we rise? 

oh geez the raft of medusa is by gericault and i love it so

it's so romantic

ism

i wonder if there could ever be a christine ism and what would it entail

i study these artists and all i can really relate to is the 

dispassionate observer

not that i have no passion because i do i really do i just

am a careless drifter

sacrificing things just so i dont feel stress

so i feel relaxed

so i feel parallel to laying in the grass 

even if im not in the grass

but too scared to literally be a careless drifter

because if i were

i wouldnt be here

talking to you 

worrying about an art history exam in the morn

or am i worrying

i dont really know

i just want to keep writing words and breaking lines 

oh martin luther how you reformed us all 

but were prevented by counter reformation that we call baroque

those theatre boxes of conversation and dramatic lighting

oh the ecstasy of st theresa as well

after baroque after baroque

after

is rococo the safeway cake

flamboyant and colorful, vibrancy

lush 

the meeting by fragonard i remember 

i hope you ve stopped reading or else you are just wasting your time 

but i suppose life is a waste of time

might as well waste it well 

learning the knowledge i claim to have learned in 2 months

such a short amount of time no wonder time flies

like bread in Alice in Wonderland

vitto is cool Vitto is always cool

he just never got to see who i was i was so nervous to be seeing my brothers friend

i was shy and nervous and he never got to experience me 

as the paradigm of nice shirts

Help I'm Alive is such a great song because it is slow and fast at the same time

one rhythm makes me feel like i'm swimming in a wind tunnel with my hair all over

and everything is slow motion

when a constant drum is layered on top, bringing a person back to reality and to feel grounded into the dancefloor in faster motion.

and then all of a sudden the guitar riff changes drastically and brings a completely different feel to it.

i love that "i tremble part"  its so angelic, you feel floaty and then they bring in that deep tone underneath it and it totally brings your feet into the ground, you're brought back to earth and you feel safer almost.  the meshing of different feelings

it's perfection in so many ways. she pronounces every single word,  brilliant

i don't want to say anything because i would look like the biggest idiot

it's terrible 

or something like that

they're gonna eat me alive

me and olive watched 90s videos and movie trailers last night

it was bliss because i was ignorant to other things

do i really have a message waiting for me?

did that actually happen, it was the nicest feeling i had felt in awhile

comfort, familiarity, hi-ness, somewhat fresh and green and innocent.

good conversation, i didn't have to try to talk about things.

and then it just happened and it was the best

yes, well, 

i'm going insane.  it's 2 am, i want to see 

i need to be with someone a lot. sometimes i like to be all by myself, 

but sometimes 

i wish i could go drive around right now, i want to see the city lights blend with the stars

so i could feel that much more alone with just me and my car, 

Edie.  

i felt like Andy and i want to be Andy at every party. document the surroundings and 

never really be a part of the surroundings..

"i'm not used to unloading on people" "too busy being loaded on, i guess"

the orange county makes me depressed and sad

tuck me in,

you

primitivism is appealing 

the more baggage i have,

the more i have stuffed in my bag,

the more things that could go wrong and ruin me

i got tickets to xavier rudd

why do i suddenly feel like this when i used to feel

the absence of chemistry so strongly before

he is a perfectly interesting, hilarious guy. it's been a little over a year since we met.

and we went out for bubble tea. he made me laugh a lot, and he's

ugh i don't wanna talk about it

k

we won't

my elbow is feeling arthiritis-y

i wonder if there will ever be Christineism in the future

whispers in my head things to do things to do 

so many things to do

i don't think i'll ever feel completely confident of my work

i want to go biking and sit in tall grass with O.Bond

and take photos and be high in the sky all day long

have a picnic in the warm breeze the sun

i need to recharge my camera batteries for tomorrow

my 18 year old cousin is acting like a 10 year old and 

as a result, two of my hotmail accounts are frozen

i don't really mind about the msn, but i actually use one of those e-mails

and that e-mail is connected to the frozen e-mail, thereby having hypothermia

spread to it resulting in frozen

2 frozen e-mail accounts

but it's ok, i think about going to Coldplay with Hannah and going to

Xavier Rudd with O.Bond

and nothing else seems to really matter

i need to start studying and reading and re-drawing

oh man oh man i have to wake up in 5 hours

but it is my last day of classes

it will be a long day

but a good day indeed

i felt like a pompous pomp for about 20 minutes tonight 

i shouldn't have said anything, i should have consulted my brother

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost

i drove through a puddle and i heard the noise through the open windows

it reminded me of Italy.  the damp road

i love road trips through Italy especially in the evening

the mountains, lights, the brisk air, but the mountains

you feel like there is no place like that

that could make you feel so protected

it's just the feeling

with the music

and the atmosphere

you never want it to end

ever

all from that one puddle, i got this feeling

and then i foresaw the summer with my brother

being in Holland and then Italy with him

to converse with him in person and laugh and talk about everything i've done this year

he is the only person in the world who i can actually talk to.

most of the time when i talk to people, i rush and leave things out because i always feel

like they don't care for what i have to say.

with Daniel, i can say whatever i want for however long i want because i know he

cares for what i have to say

it makes me cry, i miss him a lot

i read his saved text messages sometimes and i feel so depressed

the whole dynamics of this household have changed

oh goodness i will never stop living in the minutes that have already jumped out the window

don't nobody know my troubles with God?????????????????

sitting here doing damage

to myself

bury me in armour when i'm dead and hit the ground

i am so excited for coldplay hotstop herethere nearfar 

but it will be so good i will want to remember that feeling for a long while

loud concerts big concerts make me so happy where i am in a room filled with so many peeps

there for the same thing i'm there for

all that time she was silent still

so if you love me won't you let me know

i know i'll cry. hannah will see me cry at the coldplay concert 

in the stands

i will extend my arms towards Chris Martin hoping he fixates his brilliant blue eyes on only me

and in that moment we have brain waves pulsating back and forth

and he promises to sing to me everyday

with that british accent

soldiers you got to soldier on

"instead of proving a point, let's right a wrong."

sandy cohen said that. i'd like a man like him.  nice surfer guy who never seems to get grey hair

actually grey hair isn't so bad

i only seemed to take a liking in Will Smith when he had grey hair in I Am Legend

i'm going to watch Basquiat. it's 1:57 am

good nite

it's that stream again

i've decided i am not into him, despite how good looking he is.

i can safely say that personality really does override looks. and perhaps i'm not as shallow 

as one may have thought, seeing as i was almost repulsed by the sight of my last love

at the first meeting

and it got better and better

i'm in too good of a state, i think. i'm happy where i am, i suppose. 

i'm gonna go look at pretty things noww *apartment therapy *2 or 3 things i know

that was so depressing 

i hope no one i know dies unexpectedly

Baby has fallen asleep watching the fish, how absolutely cute

i have nothing more to really say to you

i still can't decide.. shouldn't i know by now???

My name is    and i have a best friend

and for once i don't wanna budge

i'm laughing so hard

because i can't stop watching those videos that me and Olivia made on my

macbook yesterday

its 7 40 pm right now

Father Len is at our house right now.  he is the priest who married my parents 

and my dad and uncle usually go hunting on his acreage during the right season. 

when we first moved into our house, he had blessed every room in it.

and just now, we walked around to our bedrooms, seeing the kind of energy that our beds lay within. 

see, the earth is made up of grids, they are 13 by 13 (i don't remember the dimension) and when you spend a lot of time on the grid, you are more likely to be unhealthy.  it's a physics thing, and it's really interesting.

he has this magnetic pendulum which he holds over our beds and different areas of the rooms, and depending on which direction it moves, he is able to tell whether that area is on or off of the grid. when an area is on the grid, it has bad energy, and if lots of time is spent on that area, sickness' are more likely to happen, etc. 

so checking our beds for their energies makes sense because that's where we spend most of our day.

it makes sense, though, i haven't been sick in so long, my dad's never been sick in his entire lifetime, and my mom is the same way.  

he went into this other explanation that energy becomes built up within our bodies, which is what arthritis is. this energy comes mostly from computers, microwaves, etc. and because nowadays, everybody constantly has footwear on, we aren't able to let go of these energies.  

primitive people walked around barefoot, allowing them to release those energies. then they started using leather and cotton and wool, which are all natural, which also allows them to release those energies. 

by putting a freezer pack on the ground somewhere in your home, you are able to get rid of those energies, so that when you hover the magnetic pendulum above any area of your home, it should be completely neutral, moving back and forth and not in a clockwise or counter-clockwise circle. 

it freaks me out because when i walked out to the kitchen to say hi

he grabbed my hand and the first thing he said to me was

"You look sad. You miss your brother."

ah yes, this morning i rose from bed at 5:45 to make sure i got a spot in the classes i wanted.

here are my schedules for my second year of design school:

also, this spring i am taking a Film Studies course to get rid of half the option credits i need for year 2. this is so exciting

this is the time i look forward to most

if i get all those classes tomorrow morning at 6 am, i will be happy.

i can't wait to have a semester where no textbook reading is required. well, not as a requirement anyways. i like projects

especially the ones i will embark on once school is out in a few weeks.

oh these people phase's

phase's of people

i cleaned that fishbowl. i feel cleaner when i clean it, 

i feel accomplished, like i did something that mattered

i am preserving the life of Che

and also the lives of Baby and Boots, as they sometimes manage to drink that water

and also the whole room seems fresher and brighter

Baby is driving herself mad trying to catch the fish through the thick glass

she is so cute cuuuuttttttttttte aw and her fur

all in my face

i feel so frustrated right now

not in a bad way

in a way that makes me feel a pretty deep longing

to be snuggly with someone

this song is perfection right now

broken by unkle, except i don't like it when he starts to sing

the beginning beats

these take me awhile, life takes me awhile

but what's the rush anyhow

if every second was doubled to 2 seconds

we would live to be 160 years old.

it seriously blows my mind that when a single second

becomes a doubled second

and 

i had a dream last night that i told my mom

that i smoke marijuana and everything was fine

and completely happy

weezer's dusty gems and raw nuggets

are even better than Unkle right now

i love singing to My Evaline

i need a striped suit and bowtie

preferably the color combination of navy blue and white

and give me a cane and i am set for My Evaline

but also Charlotte's Web, because I am sure a quartet makes an appearance

how on earth does this happen

nobody is lonely unless they've been lonely for years, plural

i haven't been lonely since i was 15 even though

i felt lonely 

because a few months of loneliness before the next toy comes around

does not qualify for loneliness should not qualify for loneliness

i'm not sure i like the idea of a few months breathing space between

male species intimacies

i feel like there should be years in between

a few months is so fast i'm practically the same person as a few months back

i'm pretty sure money could buy happiness though

saying that money can't buy happiness is only valid for those

who think the ultimate goal of being happy relies 

on finding that one person in the world,

that one thing in the world

that you actually can't put a price on

but for the rest, money definitely has a larger voice than Beyonce's at rexall place tonight

me and Daniel were once hanging out in his room. he was sitting at his desk, i believe i was on the bed watching television

and it was really late at night i think

he was listening to Weezer

and Say It Ain't So started playing and we sang the words so loudly

the other day in Drawing, matt from wisconsin was talking about a book by Margaret Atwood and how it was like stream of consciousness writing

and i turned my head and said 

"i love that!" and i feel that this is what 

the clothesline has become

more like the clothesline of smelly hippies

Jocelyn is moving to edmonton in the fall to attend her 3rd year at 

the university

she also wants to experience residence life haha

so pretty much, i will be almost living there to experience it through her

but when it gets lame which i assume will happen pretty quick

then i can return to this bed that is

heaven

i am the biggest idiot you idiots have ever seen because i seem to never take my mistakes and turn them into something useful

i need my space.

then why am i giving it up for the sake of being nice?

it sounds meaner than i actually mean. i promise.

i wanna feel that way

but i'm feeling rushed again or something like it

everything lately seems rushed 

my best friend is someone i've known for hardly 4 months

and that feels rushed

i do enjoy your company a lot a lot

but there are some things that make me hesitant

i hate hesitating, like in coming up with a sculpture

having to make sure Sheri is ok with everything before i take a step forward

and create something by me as opposed to her

but she has a good heart, i know that much.

most of the time i hate being bored because i was in an airport once, i think

and i saw a person wearing a shirt that said "only boring people get bored"

and i am positive every english speaking person to lay eyes on that shirt must have felt like

the most boring person on the planet. 

i sure did

i am so confused 

i feel everything is rushed

i don't want to cram all this stuff in 4 years

why 

i want to learn and learn

but i want live too

i sometimes feel like i could just stop and decide not to go back 

even though i do love it

but it's so confusing

i want to take 7 years if i have to

4 years is so short

i only have 3 left

those will go by faster than the first did

i want to be 19 forever

sometimes i feel so rushed it makes me cry

just like me and olivia rapped yesterday

"watch the time go right out the window

you tried to hold on but you didn't even know

i wasted it all"

i'll be dead next week the way things are going

i refuse to age another year an entire year

i want to be 19 forever...

i never want to meet someone and fall in love 

and get married and have kids

if it means i never have to rush through a year again

years of life shouldn't be rushed

then one day you're sitting at your desk at your job

organizing meetings, taking calls, designing things

and then when you happen to find one hour of nothing

you realize the nothingness you missed out on your entire life

being able to do nothing is a beautiful talent

it truly exists, the art of nothing

i learned in a book

that Italians have mastered the art of nothing

we are a slow culture, where we take 2 hours of conversation to finish drinking

a small espresso

i just want to be there right now. i want to lay on my nonna's balcony and have the sun stare me straight in the yes

i want to see everyone around living

i have just floated above my body and seen everything 

why am i worrying about this

why am i so worried about fitting a billion credits into a single year

i feel so disgusted 

i wish i was a flower

where growing wouldn't cost money

where i could sit in the grass all day long in the sun

and oh North America

you think you're cool and superior

you don't know how to live

i don't ever want to live like him

i feel so unhappy but happy at the same time

i feel so confused i feel so frustrated

i feel so stuck

i feel so short of time

i have never been so scared of time 

i'm sitting here and i feel the time pass on my skin

i hear the notes in the song that i could replay

but the same note will ever be played again

the song i listened to 30 seconds ago will never be duplicated

i feel scared that no one else is feeling the same

can we all just lay in the grass awhile and smoke grass

and listen to silence

i am totally tripped out 

this is bigger than my head 

you left

where is everything

xavier rudd and radiohead fill my head

with sugarplum fairies

i was doing good so good

like i completely changed the awful routine around

but it's become a replica of last year 

with a knock off of him

that sounds meaner than i actually mean

i'll give it a second before something good comes along

ok i've found the words now.

no i haven't, i wonder what the perfect series of words are

according to Donnie Darko's teacher, "The Cellar Door" is

i see you sleeping only in my mind and i have been away

thinking of when i would hold you gently and i would look into your eyes

i would be the one to calm your shaking when you would cry

xavier rudd is pretty close to getting the perfect series of words. 

oh, the symbolism of Donnie. i don't get it but perhaps one day i will

when i live in film

and breathe it

and eat it for breakfast

i am allowed to let thoughts roll around in the mud and then onto the screen 

without no real logic or path

no punctuation

or pu.nctuation where it doesnt belo.ng

good hits have become a rarity and i am not sure why

i need time to write haiku's

because they could take hours or seconds

when the sun denies you, oh light the shade

there's a talk show host sitting on a beach chair in the yellow sand yellow sun

with the blue yellow waves hitting the shore

you have beads of sweat running down the middle of your chest you are squinting your eyes

it's so hot so hot you can hardly stand it 

and talk show host by radiohead is playing and everything makes sense

or else it will be like the cellar door in the movie that never makes sense

i think the worst thing about having kids 

would be one day seeing your flaws in another human being

and knowing it was all because of you

i would never say what i think about doing everyday

his name is not Eric

in twelve hours i will be sitting in art history

and what did i accomplish today?

i typed a few sentences into my essay which is a work in progress

i worked on my mood board, i am choosing Xavier Rudd as my client

to design a Thinktuary for.

it's so exciting, here are some of the photos i've gathered to create my moodboard:

it's always there

i need to get some drums

something is technically wrong. something is

wrong

sitting in my car crying on the phone is what i was doing yesterday at 5:18 pm 

in the University parking lot

my car is my sanctuary

i feel as though locking myself in my car

is locking myself away from any negative

Pink Bullets

years have been short, but the days were long

so much sense

shins shins shins shins

kneed my shins

need my shins

love my shins

love the shins

green beer i did not have today

had less than a ten minute critique for my 6 self portraits i did have today

i don't care if it's good or bad i want to hear about my charcoal productions made by me.

it's ok

i cant' believe the ways i try to shove flowers into wine bottles 

the way i 

countless lovers undercover on the street

note: it is illegal to climb in dumpsters

that's what my art teacher wrote on the Project 7 guidelines

what if i fell into a dumpster

i fell into a 4 month long dumpster last June

i wish i could say it was pleasant

but it wouldn't be a dumpster if it was

i am suffering from Yellow Grass Syndrome and

Music Attention Deficit Disorder

my attention is deficient today

this is a great song right now

Closer by Kings of Leon

where is Leon

and how is their government run

Matthew's are incapable of rapping

Marshall's, however, are passable

but i am the real slim shady

i should be writing 2000 words somewhere else

if only she could see me write in this way

she would think i'm brilliant

that i belong in Anti-Story

because this isn't a story

i don't write stories

but Anti-Story is stories

plural

there are only 3 metres in a storey and how is that possible

i can climb 3 metres up the wall

Radiohead taught me how

but who taught you to live like that

the end of time, when clocks will no longer tick

does that even exist? can time ever just stop

no going back, no going forward, the end of any growth

any happenings of good or bad

to ever happen 

"ever happen" would not even exist

there would be no for ever, or ever after

no thing could ever happen 

no blinking would occur

no one would loosen their ties

or fall into dumpsters

enya is so perfect right now

he added me on facebook.  i wonder what will come of this

hahahahaha

im basking, i will get things done

i did 2 more self portraits tonight, not completely finished

but i did them halfway

oh i wonder 

i could sleep?

i could sleep?

when i lived alone, is there a ghost in my house?

one potential

and Breanne back. 

high school friends were there, it was a good time.

i missed Breanne so much, everything was like normal

like no time had passed

i should have given him a ride home

ah do you even know?

this day was good

too many potentials

not enough time

or confidence i suppose

i'll just stay the way i am 

in a barrel in the sea

i'm fine

it's cool

i'm not in the right frame of mind

or maybe its a perfect frame of mind

i won't have time for you

therefore

i don't know fore

oh god what do i want?

what is that thing that could take my place on earth

if i weren't to exist anymore?

i would want it to be something rather simple

i like simple unfinished things

does that make me lazy? am i just catering to my laziness?

excusing it..

of course i'm not, though

i actually feel it 

that i like simple and unfinished

imperfectionist. things have to be imperfect

something needs to go wrong

Coldplay makes everything better

and if it doesn't

at least it makes me cry and think about the past 

to get my mind off the now

Mike told me it's always best to tell people how you feel

it feels better, i don't have to be anxious

i tried that twice yesterday

it worked well once and i'm still not sure for the other

what happens will happen

and if happen it does not,

i'll always find something

something

this morning i woke up early

i went to the wood shop to continue working on my wood sculpture

got dirty and messy and was covered inside and out

with sawdust

and then me and Hannah bought tickets to the Coldplay concert.

that is one concert i will not pass up on

i was in the woodshop from 9-12, and i've been sitting in the studio since noon

i am waiting for Olivia

i am anxious to get a new batch of goodness in a few hours

i can't believe it

i would cry in the crowd

if i was embraced by the live music of Coldplay

i have so much to look forward to

i seem to be in some sort of rut and i think i need to speak

out

i respect you, you're my friend, i need to be honest

my art history prof was extra cooky today as she paced the

front of the room with a Rockstar in her hand

that gothic style 

i drew a nude model named David today,

it went much better than last week's Daryl

i haven't talked to God in awhile

a long time

ages

i miss Daniel, i am just ready to get out of here

i feel like being alone a lot of the time

but i try not to be alone because then i really feel 

everything

i thought i saw you on the platform today

i hurried off the train to get off before you

but you got off first.

you were on the escalator and you looked 

so good, better than i'd ever seen you

you turned the corner

and it wasn't your face

it wasn't anyone i knew

and i was grateful that you didn't look that good

it's better if you stay ugly

i would never ever say what's on my mind right now

i had a dream about someone last night,

this i can tell you,

it was with that guy

you know, with paint on his pants,

nice leather shoes

long-ish hair... beard.

it's ridiculous

it was a good dream

i may never speak again

why do i say haha

when i don't haha 

when i should haha

i would cry in front of Chris Martin and the way he makes me sing

and make me feel raw sadness and happiness in a shuffle

i'm a terrible friend sometimes

sometimes i disagree because i can

i like to argue because it's all i know how to do

i get tired of people 

but i come around again, it is a guarantee

you bought a new bag of pot

that's the way to my heart

the way to my heart

it is Stephane's birthday today

geez, so many thoughts for one sitting

i need to be creative as soon as possible

i need to get in the zone

technology will be the death of me.

spider web is tangled up with me

i lost my head

the thought of all the stupid things i'd said

spider web and i'm caught in the middle

don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows

oh i do have her

i felt totally depressed and alone when i thought

i hadn't

i do miss the way things used to be

for sure

Friday Afternoon

let's pull a friday afternoon

a friday aft

a chill aft

let's pull a friday afternoon on a tuesday

please?

to talk and catch up and talk about celebrities and have balanced out conversations

our conversation flowed so easily

i miss you and the friend you were to me 

i miss your room where we would pick out your clothes and 

do my hair 

while we listened to music we had in common

i miss your chicken wraps and floppy hair

remember when we climbed onto your roof 

in the middle of the day

and couldn't get back down

i never loved the ground more

we loved watching Beverly Hills 90210

your favorite was Dylan and i never understood it 

because i was all for Brandon

but Dylan grew on me eventually

when we smoked in mall parking lots and then rode the bus

you're a brilliant person and smart and you write like no one can 

miss ya

it's tea time

so let me pour you my soul

i don't know what to tell you or how to help

i do have stories if you let me tell them 

from start to finish and not cut short in the middle

i have a point to my stories 

i'm usually not the silent type but lately i've been felt forced to be silent

there's no room for me, no time for me

and when i think there is

i'm always cut off

i can't pay attention

people need to learn that silence is ok

silence doesn't have to be filled

i connect more with people when i can share silence with them

sometimes silence is more meaningful than words

it's sometimes re-assuring and my thoughts aren't clouded

, allowing me to see you as you are

not seeing you as your words claim you to be

Will You Tell Me Then

it is so on my level

i got things done today

there's nothing like physically seeing the capacity of my lungs

flow out like 

fog on the half icy water on the North Saskatchewan River

, for my eyes to see and my brain to devour

parapluie

1 02 104

1 09

Faunts

M4

part one

barefeet tonight, maybe this time it really will be summer

without the layers that keep me overly warm as if

it really was summer

i have no hold on time anymore it means nothing

i could stay up all night and feel outside my body for hours and not even realize that

life starts at 6 o'clock in the morning again

but why can't i stay in this life for a little while

where Faunts play the beats of my parents footsteps

but my heartbeat

life has already happened

i had a best friend in junior high 

she is now engaged

am i really that old

are we really that old

does time really keep going

do i ever really catch up

my mom still drives me to the dentist, 

how is someone like me getting married

and how is that person dead

i didn't know her but she was known

i don't wonder how it must feel

still got sand in my shoes 

i want spring more than anything right now

i want airplane rides more than anything right now

The Pawn Shop was a good time, i am even more in awe of Jaycie Jace now

i was up the entire night

35 dollar parking ticket

i am missing individuals in my life

i want spring more than anything right now

'cause we're so handsome, and we're so bold

so entertain us

tell us a joke

oh i know i complain now but in the future i will look back

and love it and miss it and i'll be scared for the real world

i just realized it's now too late to vote for a Student Union president and this really bums me out

because i was so set on voting for Jesse Hahn.

i better enjoy this summer so i can go into my 2nd year focused and settled

i refuse to be one of the people they weed out

my mercury's in retrograde

i drew a naked man today for 3 hours

the most action i've experienced since october

grosssssssssss

sometimes it's too much to take

sometimes i can't handle it

lot's to think about

and i can never focus on these 4 walls 

and what's within them

i could stare all day

all day into space, not ever really knowing what's going on

never really knowing what there is to figure out

never figuring it out

why i feel i could stop at any given moment

it could be the most peaceful thing

it would be peaceful

a random guy on the LRT platform who we ended up sitting next to

Hannah got off at her stop

other random guy got off at his stop

i scooched over

and tried my hardest to avoid eye contact

but it seemed we both couldn't help it

i have seen him before, i know it

he smiled and half laughed

i still can't figure out why

i should have said something

we got off at the same stop

he followed me down the escalator and out the doors

he went up the stairs i went up the ramp

i could have turned and asked

have we seen each other before

do you need a ride

what's your name

i like your sweater

he could be my soul mate but who will ever know

let's just get high and cry to this music

and draw what we see in the mirror

http://blip.tv/file/1356143/

watch it !!

i need a cool way to arrange pieces of wood to form a sculpture.

hmm... arrangement of wood. i may have just figured something out.

oh, mary jane

haha check out this super emo photo Heather took of me years ago when i modeled for her Photography class. she found it today and showed me, and i hadn't seen any of the photos from that day.  oh, visine

i successfully gave Olivia a haircut last night

what can i say, i have many talents.. 

i had my 3rd wisdom tooth removed yesterday and it went well. i actually enjoy getting my wisdom tooth pulled. i don't mind receiving needles in my mouth and it's a 5 minute procedure, it doesn't hurt at all

and i have a cool tooth to keep :)

i just hate having to go down to the place

i'm not supposed to smoke for 1-2 days after, but me and O.Bond found a way around that obstacle haha... i tried sucking the smoke through my nose

which proved sort of painful and awkward and unrewarding so i just covered the extraction site with gauze

and smoked away 

i freak out about things sometimes, but then i sit and just think about the entire universe 

and then i think about those precious moments before bed when i lay there stoned and staring at my ceiling with Xavier Rudd or something of the like playing on my mac

and i don't freak out

things work out, they always do

and if they don't, i find a way around it

i have the entire night ahead of me, and i am getting good at this

 i got a facebook message from Jaycie Jace and it made me so happy.

he doesn't know who i am because he sent the same message to every other person who is part of the Shout Out Out Out Out group.

oh well.

i had my appointment at ten. i went to the studio at 11. i was there until 2 and i got a fair bit done.

yesterday i hung out with Will and O.Bond and we blazed and watched Harold and Kumar.. the Guantanamo Bay one.

it was an OK movie.

but then a fuse went nuts in my car so i had no heating the entire drive to Olivia's and then the entire drive back to my house.

i am hungry. i saw a jerk today and facebook asks for my password like 5 times before it actually logs me in

hello world.

today was successful. i am getting on the right track. i read art history, i worked on my packaging design, and i finished my essay. all at Second Cup. it's a good place where i can get stuff done and also be surrounded by friends. 

today i learned how to use the miter saw, band saw, sander and all things dangerously wonderful

in the wood shop. i should get on thinking of ideas. mary jane will surely help. 

for surely.

i am only going to listen to the Dandy Warhol's in the next few days because O.Bond convinced me to download their entire discography and i want to know what they are all about.

i am excited for tomorrow. for several reasons, as follows:

a) i read art history and feel prepared for tomorrow's class

b) i finished my essay and it's ready to be handed in for english

c) we're continuing self portraits in Drawing and i feel comfortable with that, also i like donkeys

d) i get to hang out with O. Bond and WILL!! who i haven't seen in ages

e) Thursdays are my Fridays

One Ultra Lame White Boy

5 sweet smelling candles are burning all around me, it's still early

i am beginning to let my guard down, i think.

friendship-wise, anyways. it's hard for me, especially recently, to really trust a person

or fully enjoy a person's company without thinking and knowing it is temporary.

i feel like i've been forcing things to happen.. with Leigha. we haven't talked in two weeks and i feel like my effort to be friends with her again was a stupid idea. i don't think i can ever be fully comfortable around her.. and i feel like i tried patching things up with her because i was left without a best friend.

i wonder what happened to Breanne. some days i still can't believe we don't talk. and for what, really?

i was pretty hurt. she came to my birthday and after sending her a text message saying i missed her and asking if she had room for another friend

she replied, saying something along the lines of

"just have a great birthday"

what a smack in the face. i suppose i deserve it..

isn't that the exact same thing i've done to other people in the past?

i considered complaining about the end of our friendship and 

i wanted to get angry at what she did 

but every time i was on the verge, i told myself

that i deserved it

i did to Leigha what Breanne did to me

i did to Nicole what Breanne did to me

i did to Calvin what Breanne did to me

and i hate to see myself as one of those people who go from friend to friend, having a new

best friend every week 

it's unintentional and i seem to just spend time waiting for when current friends will also leave,

fulfilling the bad karma that i am due for

i really want things to work out

and today i felt that they really are

i'm surrounded by spectacular people at school

i've got O. Bond who thinks like me, talks like me, but is someone i can still learn a lot from.

i've got Hannah, and i've still got blonde Olivia and i've even got Breanna

for this, i must smoke a victory bowl.

strange voices are sayin

what did they say?

things i can't understand.

oh ace

of 

base.

nice hit nice pillow nice bed nice music 

it's all i need 

helen used my drawing as an example today

it made me really really happy

we're doing self portraits again and i'm not too worried

self portraits have been a pretty successful area for me. which is unusual.

sherri said she likes my work ethic which is more of a laugh than anything else

but it's probably half true. i am a pretty good worker once i get in the mood. it happened to me all the time at second cup.

i would go 4 hours without speaking and just being lost in my own world while making drinks and wiping counters and re-stocking beans and steaming milk and blending drinks.

i love when i reach that consciousness where i'm just going through the actions but i am in an entirely different place, mentally. i get so much done, i feel so much better

i get so much done, i feel so much better.

Astronauts. 

my heart is beating like angry footsteps on wooden floors

my soul is floating way high 

can someone please tell me who the fuck Charlene is

my selective hearing was more selective than usual today.

i don't even realize i probably have some sort of attention issue. when i listen to someone speak, it is ridiculously hard for me to follow their stories. either it's because a) i stress out over eye contact and where to look that i end up not paying attention to what they're saying or b) it's hard for me to follow because i need to see the words in front of me.

i shaved my legs today so i could have a fresh start.

if only that were true.

Like lightning in my heart 
A kiss so burning hot 
I'm hanging on a thread that's bound to drop 
Like rain on open skies 
Don't know the reason why 
But I'll always choose the black in front of white 
Oh I'm hanging high 
Oh won't you let me down 
Back where I started at 
You know I'm a little lost 

Sweet Sunshine

i am such a slow worker. but i get things done. i have to devote an entire day to only one thing for me to get it done well.

today i spent from when i woke up until now to do three ink wash paintings and i still have to work on the first one and finish the 3rd one tomorrow. i would do a few strokes and leave and come back. if i got into a good mindset with strokes then i may stay for longer. but i will leave and come back.

100 Billion Stars

me and Olivia are beginning stoner diets. mary jane actually raises metabolism so if we don't give in to munchies (which is a bigger problem for me since i get them really bad) then we should be fine.

we'll drink green tea instead

ah this lifestyle. it will catch up to me some day

i am really excited to work at my old job again

run run run before i catch you with my gun.

finally took Hannah and Olivia to Cafe Mosaics this afternoon

it was very yummy. 

i was going to paint tonight, but i left it for tomorrow.

so tomorrow i have to paint 3 drawings, and finish my essay. 

we walked Whyte Avenue, went into all the cool stores. i bought a gold mirror for my room is convex so its like a fish-eye and it looks like it belongs in a submarine or something. very very cool.

i shall post photos soon.

i'm going to put on a film, pack a bowl, and fall asleep.

if you read this, i want you to know i love your company and i love you as my friend 

let's never stop having fun together 

do you ever feel like people don't listen

and they're just waiting for their turn to speak?

i feel that way sometimes and when i'm with someone like that, i tend to become the exact same thing

and i hate feeling like i'm doing exactly what they're doing.

it's ok though. the more the other person speaks, the more of a closed book i am. i am able to sit inside my head and just be, and not having to worry about proving myself to someone, as they try to prove themselves to me. 

yesterday i spent over 12 hours with redhead Olivia. 

i picked her up at 11 30, we had tea at the Good Earth just off campus, which was nice.

i went to the studio to put together my Drawing portfolio, and she went to do her 

psychology research experiment thingy.

she came back to the studio where i was going back and forth from my empty studio to the studio of

very good looking artist guys.

we then went to Phobulous for a vietnamese lunch. 

then we went to her place for an hour because she worked from 6-9, which i spent at Second Cup 

where i got my job back.

yes, i am quitting my telephone job because i can't stand the coldness of the place and the sitting and the grey walls and the talking to people on the phone, taking surveys of people who have just finished the journey i have just started. .. hearing people's parents tell me they're son or daughter isn't available because they've been travelling Thailand, or Costa Rica, or Australia for the past 2 months. 

just like typical White People. thanks again, Olivia, for lending me "Stuff White People Like"

i fall into the category of a white person very well,

just because i am an artist and i like culture and unconventional things. haha

but at the student calling job, there were cool people. Breanna works there and she is cool. and i met Jay, who is also cool. and one of the ho

ttest asians i have ever met. and he plays guitar and suggests good music to download. 

anyways, that's the end of that job. 

anyways, after second cup, i took Olivia to Sultan's Palace for some shisha. she is no longer a shisha virgin. she didn't like it very much, unfortunately. i wonder if Shisha is in "Stuff White People Like". 

afterwards, i went to her place and we did the 

usual.. sitting around, listening to music, talking about things i don't remember, and of course, tending to mary jane.

at one point, Olivia got really devastated about something and almost immediately afterwards, we had forgotten what she was so upset about. 

ah,

always good times with her. 

this morning i went to an appointment i thought i had, but really did not have. so i woke up early, drove, LRT'd, elevatored, was disappoin

ted so i elevatored back down, LRT'd, drove back home and watched

THE OC yay!

on another note, i gave up trying to finish reading "The Driftless Area" because i was so close ot finishing, but lost the plot halfway through which didn't surprise me. so this morning while i LRT'd, i started reading "Slaughterhouse-Five" by Kurt Vonnegut. so far, it's kept my attention.

Baby has been chilling with me ALL DAY. she follows me all over and when i fell asleep this afternoon she crawled on my back for a nap as well.

how sweet.

hmm my plan for tonight... clean room, read book, get high, watch movie. 

download Comes And Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell. very good, and he has a very sweet album cover for his most recent album call

ed Three Flights From Alto Nido

i am also feeling a need for a layout change..

there's something about an empty road

an empty straight road

i had no control over my body only my eyes to look around

at the snowflakes

seemingly frozen in time, floating about while my 

safety net travels so so so fast

i listened to Move On and cried because i have a friend right here and 

i have God and 

i felt completely over you.

it made perfect sense unlike ever before. 

i was driving high but me eyes never miss a beat

i saw a fox, or coyote sort of thing on a road 

i would never expect one to be. i stopped and looked at it

i continued driving and watched my rear view checking to see

if the oncoming traffic would stop for him.

i love moving vehicles and being in control of one. 

i sang that song just for you

i felt as if all my begging to God for mental relief

He had finally given it to me, at 1:10 in the morning

by myself in my safety net.

i am grateful for every single person in my life

--------

Well I been thinking Tbout the future
But I'm too young to pretend
It's such a waste to always look behind you
Should be lookin' straight ahead

'Cause every once in a while
You think about if your gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you just don't feel like comin' home
Don't mean that you'll never arrive

k, so i'm watching Jake and Amir, right

and i look at all the comments to see if it actually is the final episode

and i get down to this part and can't help buy laugh...

Aaron11 hours ago

Man, I just read the same exact comment you originally posted but it was on the video oncollegehumor.com, and it was posted by a guy named Jeff. You're full of it, man.

JohnRictor11 hours ago

Well then someone must've copied my post. I swear on Jake & Amir's life I am telling the truth.

Brad10 hours ago

Never! EVER! SWEAR ON THEIR LIVES

hahahahaha

anyways, i'm talking to my brother on skype and i asked him how work is and here's what he said:

"I am going to be the creative director of an indie film so I right now working on the concept sketches...then I am working on the concept and presenttion for the re-design  of an old buiding that will be turned into a large scale creative environment, I am working and waiting to hear back from a company about some logo work I did and today I have a meeting with an advertising company that we are going to re-design their interior and re-do their visual identity, and then I am working on two design competitons...one for furniture in Milan and the other for a poster design that comments on social issue...and then a bunchg of other things....it's getting busy but it's good busy"

HOLY COW.  that is so intense.  an indie film?! geeez,

i am way jealous