i can't sleep!

i hate my head
i wish it would stop thinking
and making me feel this awful awful feeling

i wish things were how they used to be. why aren't they ??

i miss the way i used to write.
it only seems to be about events.

i miss the way i used to be when who i wanted to be was exactly who i was..
i am ruined when i fit someone else into the picture.

i need to be that way with someone else or i'll never be happy. i need to ride red bicycles
and talk to frogs more, read draw design more
or before i know it it'll be too late to do the things i wished i did at that time.

i don't want to sleep i don't know if i can but i have to
i fall asleep better sometimes with the light on.

my life will change on October 7th, and it will change again on November 7th. for the better.
for the worse, my life will change October 15th. with all the changing you'll think i've stayed exactly the same,
and i hope you're there for me when the time comes, i don't want to be alone,
i like moments with you.

i painted my shoes tonight, i didn't think i'd finish in one night but i guess after one more layer in about 10 seconds, they will be done. i've sacrificed a 2000 tissue-pages thin textbook for paint and a brush.

my brother started creating things. if i had more time, i think i would too.

Sept.22 2008 1:20 pm

_________________
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_________________
_________________
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.......
Everyone just seems like a blank slate of nothing. i'm sure they have more to them but i have no interest. why does he have to leave me here by myself.

If i can't make myself happy, how can i make other people happy?

How do i attack this? How do i figure this out? what the fuck is in store for me? do i feel happy? will i ever be happy? what is it to be happy anyways?

the knife is happy if he can cut properly. what is my function? being rational? what does that even mean, Aristotle? i have goosebumps on my legs. in this studio. rely on me. rely on myself. no one can do anything for you. jst write, keep writing. keep figuring, figuring it out. turn off the phone and just be without it, without expecting something, without hope. just be ok with this bubble of what you're doing and soak it all up.

this studio is more comforting than i expected. it's hard to make friends. what opens people up? what makes them know you?

today in Design we had critique.

when it came to the pattern i designed, Bryan said he saw a hint of M.C. Escher in it.

so i can't just write in my blog and not mention last night's events and how fabulous i looked,
and how much i love clubbing with Calvin because he is so good at cock-blocking creepy club guys. it was a really good night, which ended in me being somewhat irritated. but it was nothing a late night McDonald's trip can't fix.. and maybe a very sweet and much needed text conversation 'til 4 in the morning...

i wore Breanne's dress which looked crazy amazing on me (you'll have to check out the photo album on the side named "Calvin's 18th Birthday"), but i was self-conscious at the start of the night simply because i wasn't wearing a bra and let's just say the night was somewhat chilly.. Calvin loves my boobs, though, and when i don't wear a bra, he thinks it's very Au Couture and natural and sexy, and the fact that mine are so little makes him love them even more. ps, he is gay and more feminine than any female i've ever met. oh boy do i ever love Calvin.

anyways, we stroll into The Bank and immediately do birthday jager bombs (i spent $22.75 on 3!) and i had made the sad mistake of inviting Dave to come so i could dance with him. if you remember Dave correctly, he is the one i went on two dates with this year and it never went any further, and he is also the first guy who didn't irritate me when we danced. well, perhaps i was trying to hard to have another moment, because i didn't feel comfortable with him at all, he ended up leaving early which was perfect for me because i just wanted to dance with Calvin and Co. Calvin is an amazing dancer he definitely has the right moves. definitely. and whenever there was a creep creeping behind or around me, he would completely grab me and switch sides and push the guy away with his back. he said he would protect me, and that he did, and i appreciated it. some guy near the end of the night tapped me on the shoulder and asked if i was Miss Universe.. when i said no he asked if i was Miss Canada, or Miss America and i said no and then he asked if i wanted to marry him and i said no, and then he said oh com'on.. and then i awkwardly inched towards Calvin, who was failing at saving me at that specific point haha.

thats a difference between me and Breanne.. if she was in that situation she would have found him charming and a conversation or dance would have flourished as a result, but when things like that happen to me, i feel uncomfortable and the last thing i want to do is look that man in the eyes. which always ends up worrying me, Breanne always manages to disappear with random guys whether it be in a quieter spot, or outside and when i can't see my best friend in the vicinity, i start to worry and i start doing laps until i find her and know she's ok.

i can't help but be a worrier.. i don't want bad things happening to people i care about.

anyways, me and Mike danced for awhile and that was good, i told Calvin to lay off the cock-blocking for that haha.

i don't like the layout of the Bank, at all, however. there's too many things going on, and too many obstacles that it makes it a lot crowded than it actually is and we all know Christine can only take so much of her personal bubble being invaded and pushed around before she's Miss Grumpy Pants. i was incredibly irritated by the end of the night, the consequence of Breanne giving out and smoking over half my pack of slims (without even asking me first) which i had just bought Friday morning, how fucking cold it was, how crowded it was, how sticky the floors were.. the list could continue, but you get my drift.

but i looked fucking good even with a shaving accident on my thigh in plain view, and a huge scratch on my elbow.

i just wanted to put on some pants. on a more important note, what is UP with the US?!

This is a call of arms to live and love and sleep together
We could flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever
Lock the parents out, cut a rug, twist and shout
Wave your hands
Make it rain
For stars will rise again

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

In a couple of years
Tides have turned from booze to tears
And in spite of the weather
We could learn to make it together

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

The youth

(as you can see, I am fucking obsessed with MGMT and their words and beats.)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah

ps, my brother's new glasses look incredibly RAD, its too bad i only get to see them for another 3 weeks...

pps, this tuna, mayo, tomato, and cheese sandwich (on triangle bread!) is perfection

ppps, i can't wait for the Bank.

i came home this morning from a good night on Whyte,
felt gross and took a bath and thought...

instead of asking God to answer my questions, maybe I should ask him to answer the questions of the people i care most about... maybe mine will ultimately be answered.

i have to let it go, this is a needle of time in the massive hay stack of eternity.. it doesn't matter one bit.

and to make things worse, i am a self-righteous cunt bag who should be giving more attention to her best friend who is having a lot bigger issues right now. mine hardly compare.

perhaps i thought he was dead that night, but i should look at it as, at least he's alive. and leave it at that.

live and let live?

in philosophy we talked about self-interest. i tune in and out of those lectures, but i do get interested at some peak moments, fortunately. what got me interested was Ethical egoism and Psychological egoism.. ( i had to grab my binder for that one).. questioning, "are human actions always based on self-interest?" i thought heck yes.

i mean, even when i do something nice.. like just a few minutes ago i cleaned the bathroom, toilet and all, and although i fucking hate doing it, i feel relieved afterwards.. almost a sense of cleanliness, and relief that i won't have to do it again until tomorrow or the next couple of days.
it's just like that, i think.

so right now, i will act self-interestedly and not deal with things that will bring me down.
"you are worth coming back for." am i, really?

hell yes i am.

i don't know what happened,
but i seem to have just discovered my own body.

as i've said earlier, i weighed 155 pounds before Italy,
i now waver between 140-143 pounds and if you ask me, I do not look like i lost 10-15 pounds. (what's weirder, is i've been unexpectedly maintaining that weight... i eat when i want, and i think sometimes i eat too much, but i always seem to be 143 pounds.. i don't understand it. i don't think i'll ever reach 150 again! i mean, that one night at Breanne's i ate SO MUCH JUNK and i still managed to stay this way)

BUT
in the process of figuring out what to wear this weekend, I tried on all my old skinny jeans, and they all fit comfortably! this is so exciting! all i need is spandex to wear under them.. or some underwear that doesn't slide down with the pants, and i'm set!

i am in complete awe right now

man oh man
if whoever reading this has not listened to MGMT is for certainly missing out.
DOWNLOAD A S A P
so fucking good

things are starting to look up despite a situation.
i've gotten in touch with a few people from high school, including Mike, whose always been a pretty good guy despite my bitchiness towards him last summer.

I stayed at school until 6:30, worked on my art and design projects which i have to finish Friday morning. it's nice to just be in the studio.. after classes are over it empties out (even though there are only ten of us to begin with) and it's sort of a nice Oasis. today after philosophy i picked up a multi-grain bagel with sundried tomato (i love it and they had it today, bonus!) and walked to Deweys, got chamomile tea and went to the studio almost an hour early for Design. Hannah, Emily and Matt were up there already so we just talked and i ate my food and i felt so lucky to have this quiet place i could just go to to do anything i want, at any time of the day, on any day of the week.

anyways, Friday after school i'm going to meet Breanne and we are going to go shopping because i need clothes that are suitable for the Bank... meaning i need female clothes, which i have hardly none of. we're gonna end up at Black Dog that night, and hopefully with people i havent seen since graduation, who don't go to the University.. it'll be nice. it's Keith's birthday, too bad he can't play the drums for us courtesy of Black Dog Entertainment. lol
then we will be heading to Calvin's aunts place for his pre-party. i am hoping to get really drunk for once, because I haven't since my 18th, and i'm not sure i was actually really drunk then to begin with.

Saturday night we will be going to the Bank for Calvin's actual birthday party, where we will do birthday jagger bombs (mmm..) hopefully i can handle two nights in a row of drinking.
i can't believe i am speaking in this manner, i never drink, and i hate alcohol that tastes like alcohol.

i shall suck it up, though, it's about time.

Sunday morning i work 7 am -noon (yay) and then i have driving from 1-3:30.. which reminds me, i have to book my driving exam. i am a superb driver by the way, i can't wait to contribute to carbon dioxide pollution in the air.

hopefully my weekend goes as i plan it, i really need it. i am going to stop being a hermit, and i am going to get my head in this game called University.
i will immerse myself in important things, i will marinate my brain in the arts and party people.

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

today sucked, yesterday sucked,
and in all the events that made them sucky (which according to Conor don't qualify as complaints, and i have nothing to complain about pfft)
i felt real lonely.

i'm on facebook, and totally forgot that i always have a best friend i can talk to who is completely out of any situation i'm in.. he's on the other side of the country, actually.

he said "hey you" on facebook and asked how i was. i said "real shitty, can i call you?"

i love Pablo, i really truly do, he is my best friend and there is no doubt in my mind that we are soulmates.

1101st post!

now what really makes me wonder is how come i have so much to say on here, and then nothing to say to people in person.

today i woke up.
got yelled at.
yelled back.
drove to the University to photocopy some of my design project,
drove back home
worked on my project,
cleaned out a huge pile of papers from last year
-just looking through all my Chemistry notes and throwing out every paper that didnt have a cool doodle on it felt so so good. if it was any other time in my life looking at those notes, i would have been worried... knowing i never have to look at another chemical formula or periodic table again gave me the greatest happiness i had ever known. but i kept every piece of paper that had a neat doodle on it.. and i found some random notes i had written during spares.. like journal entries.-
ate supper,
rented Charlie Bartlett with my brother,
got ice cream from Dairy Queen,
watched Charlie Bartlett and disliked it.

sitting here, bored, might watch another movie, or work on all those South Park episodes i have recorded.

tomorrow i have a driving refresher course from 1-3:30, i hope it isn't with Shane, the dumb instructor i had last September.

this whole driving deal is stressing me out so much. i wish i just had my license and this whole thing was over with. i should have gotten it so long ago. ah i hate driving with an instructor.
this may sound weird, but i'd rather the instructor be a robot instead of an actual human being.. this year i'll wear my sunglasses so i feel more comfortable.

this morning i woke up at 9:00, got ready, left the house at 9:50 and drove all the way to the University.

not by myself, of course. my brother was in the passenger seat, and i was really happy that i got to drive my car to school =)

once there, i went straight to the library to start my photocopying for my 2nd Design project, went to the studio to organize my stuff, had class at noon, got out of class at 12:50, went to the studio to pick up all my materials and finished products, trained to Clareview, and came home around 2.

i just ate my late lunch.
i am now going to blast my music, sing, and work on my Design project

yay! i love school an unhealthy amount.

Breanna has told me about her job. I think i might apply. i'll stay at second cup of course, but i want money and i always put off getting a different job simply because i don't want to put the effort into learning the ropes at something new, and meeting new people, and if every job starts out the way second cup started for me, then i want nothing to do with starting a new job.. unless its my career of course.

but she explained it to me, and i've always been jealous of those people who sit at desks their whole shift and get paid so much, and work whenever they want..
when i have to deal with fussy customers, rush hours, chocolate syrup all over me, crusty milk in my hair, burns, on my feet the whole shift, having trouble saying no to shifts, being worried i won't get holidays off...
i'm tired of it. i think i'm gonna work 5 hours a week at second cup, and 5 hours a week at this other job. i'll get 50 cent raise every semester and if i come back next year, they'll start me at 13.50

i want money, and i know Conor would be disappointed in me saying that, but if i can squeeze money out of the government, i will for surely do it!

i'm going to stop dressing like a bum.
i'm going to start doing sit-ups.

my brother is moving to Holland on October 15th?!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT

i downloaded The Subways newest album.

i need up-beat, fast-paced, electro, Hot Chip, Shout Out Out Out Out, Santogold, Ting Tings, Moby-esque music right now.

i really do need

i'm sick
i'm tired
i create my own doom
if i let go
i'd be better off, i know for sure.
not everyone has ulterior motives, stop searching for warning signs. why do i think everyone has ulterior motives?
is it because i, myself, have ulterior motives?
leading me to believe everyone does as well?

i'm not God, i'm just a human, get fucking over it.
i can't be God. i can't be any god.

i should stomp on the fucking egg shells if i want to. i cower in the corner,
always admitting my mistakes, making things obvious, making it clear to everyone when it may have been unclear to begin with.. and maybe to end with.

i dictate my own life, it seems. i dictate negatively, and it ends up likewise.

no more.

i know i've been going nuts with blogging here lately, but i just found the source of DON'T THINK JUST FEEL!

this is so exciting because i could not remember for the life of me, where the heck i got it from.
i was digging through old music, and i started listening to The Subways (love) and i looked up the simple lyrics to She Sun (love) and here they are.. ps, check out the song its brilliant..

She sun does nothing
She won't tell nothing
She changed
She's strange...
Don't think
Just feel it
Keep it
The feelings

She changed
She's strange...

so a bunch of Conor's friends from Drayton Valley are in this band called Sex With The City.
when i first heard them, i thought
ick.
it's totally not my style of music, and a few lines still make me cringe but
being forced to listen to it in the car with Conor so many times,
i find myself going to their myspace to listen to them haha

it's grown on me. WEIRD
you should check them out

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon".
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

school was pleasant today. in art we did a critique on our projects.. mine wasn't very strong. i didn't really like that project to begin with, unfortunately. we started on a new project. we painted in chinese ink with a branch.. we joked we were all getting back to our roots in the paleolithic time period. we're all in the same art history class too, where we looked at some art from the paleolithic, so we all got a few chuckles out of that one..

i had philosophy and drank more water than anything else.

studied for a bit with Conor,
went to design, had a critique. it was cool to see what everyone else did with their projects and how my way of thinking and arranging things compared to their ways. we started on a new project, which looks pretty interesting. i have to come up with two master tiles with two different patterns, and then we have to do a whole bunch of shrinking and multiplying and rotating to make a more complex pattern.

i'm just trying to look through things artsy things i've kept in the past for some inspiration. i don't want to do something geometric.. i want something simple so it won't look cluttered in the final product.. i'm searching arabic letters and different patterns. i think it would be sweet to incorporate some lines and designs from arabic letters..

they look pleasant.

wow i just found the coolest thing! nice pattern...

I certainly haven't been spreading myself around. I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb, But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so I can't stop changing all the time.

i thought he was dead

i just spent an hour looking at old pictures.

i don't know if it's because i took more pictures of social outings then than i do now,
but it seems i might have been a lot more fun back then...

christine,
stop being so greedy
and stop expecting too much.

you have what you wanted,
you have all the time in the world
if not today, then tomorrow
if not tomorrow
then some other day.
things don't need to happen right now.
like what you have because it's what you wanted
all along.

Love,
christine

i want to take more pictures of people.
i'm going to take the camera with me everywhere.

yesterday was interesting.
i worked in the studio from 8:30-11:30.. i had a class at noon, so i picked up some matboard, and the novel Wuthering Heights for english within a half hour, and then i went to Philosophy. thank God that was only 50 minutes. right after class, i grabbed a tea and went to the studio to work again. i was there until 4:00
i got everything done, though.
went to Dewey's which is conveniently located under my art and design studio.. sat with Brendan and Conor for a bit and then went to Conor's. waited a long time for the number 8, but we got there
and ate Delissio pizza.
around 7, Breanne came over and we all went to the fashion show.
Emily met us there, and after the fashion show we went to Churchill for a FREE LIVE SHOW BY SHOUT OUT OUT OUT OUT

yay!
the wild dancer in me, who was trapped since before i went to Italy, was released.

around.. 11:11 we left, and went to Tim Hortons, and then Breanne drove me home.

it was fun, but i always want more.
past tense sucks.

this morning in art i nearly had a breakdown for several reasons:

1. i was over-tired due to the Bloc Party concert last night (i shall elaborate later)
2. the dumb train was packed and was delayed, making me nearly ten minutes late for art GASP
3. we had to draw negative space of the most complicated still life (bicycles with spokes GASP)

ok, so about the Bloc Party concert last night. it was fantastic, minus the shitty sound at Edmonton Event Center. people were crowd-surfing, got kicked to the back, one guy even managed to jump onto the stage and sing with Kele Okereke. i'm pretty tolerant when it comes to crowded crowds, but after awhile, i can't take it. my clausterphobia kicks in and i get frustrated, especially when i'm being squashed into the railing in front of the stage. i have to admit though, pushing back just as hard felt so good. i wanted to elbow everyone in my radius in the face. minus my brother, of course.
Shout Out Out Out Out opened for them, and i had never listened to them before last night, and they were really good. i think my favorite was watching both drummers on different drum sets banging the drums so synchronized. it was truly magical. i practically went nuts. this girl and this guy standing behind me totally rubbed me the wrong way, though.. literally. she was constantly jumping and all i could feel was her crotch on my ass. my personal bubble was completely destroyed last night and it made me agitated lol.

i like my space, unless someone i like is invading it. i shouldn't complain though, it's kind of expected at a concert. i didn't know the layout of Ed's, though, so i couldn't exactly prepare for what happened.

anyways, today i was completely tired and late and upset. Conor's texts made me smile though. i got through my drawing, completing Project 1.3 of Art, and about thirty minutes ago i finished Project 1.3 for Design. things are looking up... tomorrow morning at school i'm going to read English and start sketching for Art.

i am totally using my time wisely! i was the only one in design who had finished Project 1.2, what a keener i am! i definitely enjoy Design a lot more than Art... i have no drawing abilities, though, so that's a given.

but i was freaking out this morning. Projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Art and projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Design are due on Monday and we're going to do critiques.

yesterday in Art History, my focus stayed unbroken for the whole class and i took substantial notes.

i'm so glad i'm doing what i'm doing.. i would have it no other way.

i cut my finger today with the xacto knife.
i felt like a true designer.

so i have lots to say,
and i just sent Heather a jam-packed message on facebook, and a lot of what i said in there is stuff i wanted to say on here, so here are some pieces from her message...

and school is awesome! i really really like it, and maybe i'm speaking too soon, but i'm really enjoying it. first thing that happened on the first day when i got off the train was run into Andrea which was cool.. we were both running late though so we only said hey. and that same day my art class was going on a tour ending at the art store, and on the way i saw Mel which was also cool haha. i also talked to Kelsey when she had a Twee booth in SUB which was cute. and Dewey's is a regular hangout.. me and Conor and our friends are always there and i had my second tea from there today! i had at this morning and my prof is Lisa Turner and our first drawing was blind contour.. drawing the person next to us! me and my partner Matt were the only boy/girl partnership (lol) and i had to stare him in the eyes and draw everything about him. i laughed. it was weird. i have trouble maintaining eye contact with people i actually know, and here i had to do it with a stranger.. and draw! the second drawing we had to do was continuous line with non-dominant hand.. i was a little better, and our third was continuous line with our dominant hand, and it didn't turn out bad at all.. i was pleasantly surprised. our final one was a simple life complex continuous line, and with my viewfinder i was able to get things pretty nicely proportionate. i thought of you when you taught me to mentally measure things and i found it exhausting. i did that for a full 50 minutes and my arm was very sore. it was a good class, though.. i was really hesitant when i started the simple life project, as i didn't want to make any mistakes, but once i drew the shape of the table everything else seemed to follow nicely after.

i had an hour break after art, and met with a friend who i hadn't seen since junior high. i had philosophy from 1-2, and that class i've learned is sort of a bore... and then i had an hour break where i met Conor at Dewey's to study. and then i had design. my prof is Greig Rasumussen and today he even asked me if i had an older brother who did industrial design and i said.. Daniel? and he said Yes! i can see the family resemblance. Say hello to him for me.
which i have yet to do. Daniel will be pleased, he told me Greig is brilliant. so far, he is. i finished Project 1.1 today, which is basically an arrangement of 5 different rectangles (the golden section rec., square root rec., equilateral rec., 2x3 rec., and 1x2 rec.). i still have to do 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 due for monday. it was a lot of fun though, i liked having 3 hours to measure, cut out, arrange, outline and label these rectangles. 3 hours went by superfast and i ended up being the second last person out of the room because i wanted to finish it so bad. and i asked a lot of questions, you would have been proud.. i wasn't even scared to ask. probably because there's only ten people in my class , but oh well. when i had an idea for my rectangles and a cool labelling system, i'd ask Greig what he thought and he told me and i would re-arrange and ask again if it was ok, and at the end when almost everyone was gone i showed him the final product and he said he liked the sharpness of the ink and the corners, and how precise everything was. he even gave me a tip (that i think you gave me a while back) for when i had deep lnes with small amounts of graphite left behind.. use a kneadable eraser and shape one side into a point and manoeuvre it into the pencil grooves of the paper. it was a really sweet class, and even though i spend 6 hours in that studio every monday and wednesday, they always seem to go by extremely fast.

i already plan to stay after class on wednesday to finish another few projects and basically all of friday as well...

tomorrow i have art history and english right after. my at history prof is Santa-Balazs, who Daniel said is "really wicked!" and she seemed it on thursdays class, so i'm excited about that class too. the only classes i'm not so into are Philosophy and English.. but they both really have nothing to do with my degree, so i guess it's a good indicator that i've chosen the right program.

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as you can see, i was the ultimate teeny-bopper.. but i somehow miss some of this

i just logged onto my old accounts on photobucket. i think it's time for a flashback...









oh Communications class with William in grade eleven...

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
Y'know I'm blind so why d'you disagree

(Bridge)
So take me away cos I just don't want to stay
And the lies you make me say
Are getting deeper every day
These are crazy days but they make me shine
Time keeps rolling by

(Chorus)
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
We're gonna make a better day
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
You know it's gonna be o.k.

So what you gonna do when the walls come falling down?
You never move you never make a sound
So where you gonna swim with the riches that you found?
If you're lost at sea I hope that you've drowned

a heart is no place to be singing from at all

fuck it.


i trust you

i'm scared for what might happen to this.
a rub on the back tells me not to worry.. but

i feel so much better knowing i can write.

although i love my classes, i can't help but feel like i'm some sort of imposter, like i don't belong in this environment where people line up for hours to buy textbooks, where people go to school on a huge campus. i think it's gonna end in a week. it hasn't hit me yet that i'm over grade school, this is how schooling is going to be for me from now on. it's weird.

according to me, i'm still ten years old
and i somehow think you'll want to hold my hand forever.

first day of school.

i am dead.

i am excited, though. very very. i love school.

so tomorrow is first day of school
!

i'm just going through what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. i didnt go back to school shopping yet.. for clothes nor supplies.
i don't want to appear too try hard with my clothes, so i'm just wearing my dark blue jeans with no belt (no thong tomorrow!), Heather's volcom tank top, and my billabong hoodie.

i'm still deciding on shoes... i think i'll wear my brown and blue Pro-Keds.


wish me luck

AUG27.08 technically AUG28.08, but you know these late nights...

my heart hurts, Conor has gone to sleep. i just want to write. i usually have nothing important to say, i just want to write and write and write and write with no destination in mind. you are very cute. i like you very much. my heart hurts. my pointless writing sucks. i should draw. i'm scared to screw up. but why? i'm gonna have about 40 journals.

can you even begin to guess or empathize with the disappointment i feel when i can't draw? i don't really try though, i guess. i'm going to school to learn, Remember? i'm not perfect. i can't draw. i go to school to learn. you get that gross feeling and you know it holds you back. you seen it in Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem. i think of Leigha everytime i see or hear that and i think it's lame and ridiculously over used. Seize the Day. does that even mean anything anymore? all the juices have been sucked out of it.

I KNOW YOU ARE CREATIVE. just be forward with thoughts. let them be known. if you imagine Virgin Mary breaking through your walls, or if you imagine life on the ceiling, be aware of that thought, don't let it get away without recognition. Analyze. Recognize. Document.
YOU ARE CREATIVE. YOU ARE LEARNING. YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE MOTIVATED. YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR FEARS. YOU WILL

distraction/retrospect

i could not sleep.
i was in bed almost asleep
and then i wondered if i finished writing in my journal.
i got up
went on the computer
and i just now realized that i haven't yet looked at my journal.. so i shall do that now..

yup, just like i thought, i stopped writing mid-sentence, i don't remember what distracted me
but i'm sure it was a distraction
everything is a distraction
i wonder what life would be like without distractions
i like having the word distraction in every line i write.

distraction distraction
i would be a genius, i think.

i went to the university, Daniel showed me the places i will be spending the most time in for the next 4 years of my life.
i went home and slept.
i woke up and went to Conor's.
i washed his dishes, he vacuumed the floor.
we watched youTube videos, he drew pictures and words on my back.
we took out the garbage, he drove me home.

i need to get more energy.. i'm going to have to get more energy or i know i won't survive 9 hour days. i'm so used to high school spares and minor stresses, and having almost no care in the world.

scratch that, funny that i would say i had almost no cares in the world in high school, when my high school self would totally disagree. retrospect sucks.

retrospect always seems more positive. perhaps because retrospect means its already done and you don't have to worry about it anymore..
i don't know what i'm saying.

what would you say if you could say anything at all