i got a facebook message from Jaycie Jace and it made me so happy.

he doesn't know who i am because he sent the same message to every other person who is part of the Shout Out Out Out Out group.

oh well.

i had my appointment at ten. i went to the studio at 11. i was there until 2 and i got a fair bit done.

yesterday i hung out with Will and O.Bond and we blazed and watched Harold and Kumar.. the Guantanamo Bay one.

it was an OK movie.

but then a fuse went nuts in my car so i had no heating the entire drive to Olivia's and then the entire drive back to my house.

i am hungry. i saw a jerk today and facebook asks for my password like 5 times before it actually logs me in

hello world.

today was successful. i am getting on the right track. i read art history, i worked on my packaging design, and i finished my essay. all at Second Cup. it's a good place where i can get stuff done and also be surrounded by friends. 

today i learned how to use the miter saw, band saw, sander and all things dangerously wonderful

in the wood shop. i should get on thinking of ideas. mary jane will surely help. 

for surely.

i am only going to listen to the Dandy Warhol's in the next few days because O.Bond convinced me to download their entire discography and i want to know what they are all about.

i am excited for tomorrow. for several reasons, as follows:

a) i read art history and feel prepared for tomorrow's class

b) i finished my essay and it's ready to be handed in for english

c) we're continuing self portraits in Drawing and i feel comfortable with that, also i like donkeys

d) i get to hang out with O. Bond and WILL!! who i haven't seen in ages

e) Thursdays are my Fridays

One Ultra Lame White Boy

5 sweet smelling candles are burning all around me, it's still early

i am beginning to let my guard down, i think.

friendship-wise, anyways. it's hard for me, especially recently, to really trust a person

or fully enjoy a person's company without thinking and knowing it is temporary.

i feel like i've been forcing things to happen.. with Leigha. we haven't talked in two weeks and i feel like my effort to be friends with her again was a stupid idea. i don't think i can ever be fully comfortable around her.. and i feel like i tried patching things up with her because i was left without a best friend.

i wonder what happened to Breanne. some days i still can't believe we don't talk. and for what, really?

i was pretty hurt. she came to my birthday and after sending her a text message saying i missed her and asking if she had room for another friend

she replied, saying something along the lines of

"just have a great birthday"

what a smack in the face. i suppose i deserve it..

isn't that the exact same thing i've done to other people in the past?

i considered complaining about the end of our friendship and 

i wanted to get angry at what she did 

but every time i was on the verge, i told myself

that i deserved it

i did to Leigha what Breanne did to me

i did to Nicole what Breanne did to me

i did to Calvin what Breanne did to me

and i hate to see myself as one of those people who go from friend to friend, having a new

best friend every week 

it's unintentional and i seem to just spend time waiting for when current friends will also leave,

fulfilling the bad karma that i am due for

i really want things to work out

and today i felt that they really are

i'm surrounded by spectacular people at school

i've got O. Bond who thinks like me, talks like me, but is someone i can still learn a lot from.

i've got Hannah, and i've still got blonde Olivia and i've even got Breanna

for this, i must smoke a victory bowl.

strange voices are sayin

what did they say?

things i can't understand.

oh ace

of 

base.

nice hit nice pillow nice bed nice music 

it's all i need 

helen used my drawing as an example today

it made me really really happy

we're doing self portraits again and i'm not too worried

self portraits have been a pretty successful area for me. which is unusual.

sherri said she likes my work ethic which is more of a laugh than anything else

but it's probably half true. i am a pretty good worker once i get in the mood. it happened to me all the time at second cup.

i would go 4 hours without speaking and just being lost in my own world while making drinks and wiping counters and re-stocking beans and steaming milk and blending drinks.

i love when i reach that consciousness where i'm just going through the actions but i am in an entirely different place, mentally. i get so much done, i feel so much better

i get so much done, i feel so much better.

Astronauts. 

my heart is beating like angry footsteps on wooden floors

my soul is floating way high 

can someone please tell me who the fuck Charlene is

my selective hearing was more selective than usual today.

i don't even realize i probably have some sort of attention issue. when i listen to someone speak, it is ridiculously hard for me to follow their stories. either it's because a) i stress out over eye contact and where to look that i end up not paying attention to what they're saying or b) it's hard for me to follow because i need to see the words in front of me.

i shaved my legs today so i could have a fresh start.

if only that were true.

Like lightning in my heart 
A kiss so burning hot 
I'm hanging on a thread that's bound to drop 
Like rain on open skies 
Don't know the reason why 
But I'll always choose the black in front of white 
Oh I'm hanging high 
Oh won't you let me down 
Back where I started at 
You know I'm a little lost 

Sweet Sunshine

i am such a slow worker. but i get things done. i have to devote an entire day to only one thing for me to get it done well.

today i spent from when i woke up until now to do three ink wash paintings and i still have to work on the first one and finish the 3rd one tomorrow. i would do a few strokes and leave and come back. if i got into a good mindset with strokes then i may stay for longer. but i will leave and come back.

100 Billion Stars

me and Olivia are beginning stoner diets. mary jane actually raises metabolism so if we don't give in to munchies (which is a bigger problem for me since i get them really bad) then we should be fine.

we'll drink green tea instead

ah this lifestyle. it will catch up to me some day

i am really excited to work at my old job again

run run run before i catch you with my gun.

finally took Hannah and Olivia to Cafe Mosaics this afternoon

it was very yummy. 

i was going to paint tonight, but i left it for tomorrow.

so tomorrow i have to paint 3 drawings, and finish my essay. 

we walked Whyte Avenue, went into all the cool stores. i bought a gold mirror for my room is convex so its like a fish-eye and it looks like it belongs in a submarine or something. very very cool.

i shall post photos soon.

i'm going to put on a film, pack a bowl, and fall asleep.

if you read this, i want you to know i love your company and i love you as my friend 

let's never stop having fun together 

do you ever feel like people don't listen

and they're just waiting for their turn to speak?

i feel that way sometimes and when i'm with someone like that, i tend to become the exact same thing

and i hate feeling like i'm doing exactly what they're doing.

it's ok though. the more the other person speaks, the more of a closed book i am. i am able to sit inside my head and just be, and not having to worry about proving myself to someone, as they try to prove themselves to me. 

yesterday i spent over 12 hours with redhead Olivia. 

i picked her up at 11 30, we had tea at the Good Earth just off campus, which was nice.

i went to the studio to put together my Drawing portfolio, and she went to do her 

psychology research experiment thingy.

she came back to the studio where i was going back and forth from my empty studio to the studio of

very good looking artist guys.

we then went to Phobulous for a vietnamese lunch. 

then we went to her place for an hour because she worked from 6-9, which i spent at Second Cup 

where i got my job back.

yes, i am quitting my telephone job because i can't stand the coldness of the place and the sitting and the grey walls and the talking to people on the phone, taking surveys of people who have just finished the journey i have just started. .. hearing people's parents tell me they're son or daughter isn't available because they've been travelling Thailand, or Costa Rica, or Australia for the past 2 months. 

just like typical White People. thanks again, Olivia, for lending me "Stuff White People Like"

i fall into the category of a white person very well,

just because i am an artist and i like culture and unconventional things. haha

but at the student calling job, there were cool people. Breanna works there and she is cool. and i met Jay, who is also cool. and one of the ho

ttest asians i have ever met. and he plays guitar and suggests good music to download. 

anyways, that's the end of that job. 

anyways, after second cup, i took Olivia to Sultan's Palace for some shisha. she is no longer a shisha virgin. she didn't like it very much, unfortunately. i wonder if Shisha is in "Stuff White People Like". 

afterwards, i went to her place and we did the 

usual.. sitting around, listening to music, talking about things i don't remember, and of course, tending to mary jane.

at one point, Olivia got really devastated about something and almost immediately afterwards, we had forgotten what she was so upset about. 

ah,

always good times with her. 

this morning i went to an appointment i thought i had, but really did not have. so i woke up early, drove, LRT'd, elevatored, was disappoin

ted so i elevatored back down, LRT'd, drove back home and watched

THE OC yay!

on another note, i gave up trying to finish reading "The Driftless Area" because i was so close ot finishing, but lost the plot halfway through which didn't surprise me. so this morning while i LRT'd, i started reading "Slaughterhouse-Five" by Kurt Vonnegut. so far, it's kept my attention.

Baby has been chilling with me ALL DAY. she follows me all over and when i fell asleep this afternoon she crawled on my back for a nap as well.

how sweet.

hmm my plan for tonight... clean room, read book, get high, watch movie. 

download Comes And Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell. very good, and he has a very sweet album cover for his most recent album call

ed Three Flights From Alto Nido

i am also feeling a need for a layout change..

there's something about an empty road

an empty straight road

i had no control over my body only my eyes to look around

at the snowflakes

seemingly frozen in time, floating about while my 

safety net travels so so so fast

i listened to Move On and cried because i have a friend right here and 

i have God and 

i felt completely over you.

it made perfect sense unlike ever before. 

i was driving high but me eyes never miss a beat

i saw a fox, or coyote sort of thing on a road 

i would never expect one to be. i stopped and looked at it

i continued driving and watched my rear view checking to see

if the oncoming traffic would stop for him.

i love moving vehicles and being in control of one. 

i sang that song just for you

i felt as if all my begging to God for mental relief

He had finally given it to me, at 1:10 in the morning

by myself in my safety net.

i am grateful for every single person in my life

--------

Well I been thinking Tbout the future
But I'm too young to pretend
It's such a waste to always look behind you
Should be lookin' straight ahead

'Cause every once in a while
You think about if your gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you just don't feel like comin' home
Don't mean that you'll never arrive

k, so i'm watching Jake and Amir, right

and i look at all the comments to see if it actually is the final episode

and i get down to this part and can't help buy laugh...

Aaron11 hours ago

Man, I just read the same exact comment you originally posted but it was on the video oncollegehumor.com, and it was posted by a guy named Jeff. You're full of it, man.

JohnRictor11 hours ago

Well then someone must've copied my post. I swear on Jake & Amir's life I am telling the truth.

Brad10 hours ago

Never! EVER! SWEAR ON THEIR LIVES

hahahahaha

anyways, i'm talking to my brother on skype and i asked him how work is and here's what he said:

"I am going to be the creative director of an indie film so I right now working on the concept sketches...then I am working on the concept and presenttion for the re-design  of an old buiding that will be turned into a large scale creative environment, I am working and waiting to hear back from a company about some logo work I did and today I have a meeting with an advertising company that we are going to re-design their interior and re-do their visual identity, and then I am working on two design competitons...one for furniture in Milan and the other for a poster design that comments on social issue...and then a bunchg of other things....it's getting busy but it's good busy"

HOLY COW.  that is so intense.  an indie film?! geeez,

i am way jealous

i rarely venture too far from home. i am most likely back at Second Cup come March.

yup yup

i can't help but miss it, it's like home.

lots of hanging out at Olivia's. like ridiculous

but very necessary.

like the last piece of lasagna that i will eat in a few minutes. mmmmmm

if you wanna complain

i'm not the complaint department.

i'm very into Lykke Li right now

and 

i'm very much better right now

-----------------

Hands down
I'm too proud, for love
But with eyes shut
It's you I'm thinking of
But how we move from A to B it can't be up to me
Cause I don't know
Eye to eye
Thigh to Thigh
I let go

I think I'm a little bit
Little bit

A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit
Little bit
In lalalala love with me
Oh ah

And for you I keep my legs apart
And forget about my tainted heart
And I will never ever be the first
To say it's still a, Game over
Ah ah ah
I would do it
Push a button
Pull a trigger
Climb a mountain
Jump off a cliff
Cause you know baby I love you love you 
A little bit

I would do it
You'd say it
You'd mean it
I would let you do it
It was you and I and I only 

I think I'm a little bit

in love with you

But only if you're a little bit
In lalalala love with me

Come here
Stay with me
Stroke me 
By the head
Cause I would give anything
Anything
To have you as my man

I think I'm a little bit
Little bit
A little bit in love with you
But only if you're a little bit
Little bit

i just wanna be a rockstar.

i seriously wouldn't though because then when i was all by myself

i would definitely feel how by myself i am.

ah i hate the direction i keep taking but the only time i really need to say things are when they're negative.

last night with Joe was weird. it was grade eleven all over again, but much sweeter, he was much sweeter

i just can't take it. for once, i was not feeling it. there is something about him that i can't resist but once i can have it, i don't really want it.

he's sort of a dead end guy, the kind of guy you date in high school to be rebellious and now i'm just really wanting a guy i can learn things from.  Joe will always be my friend who i have sexual tension with, that is better left untouched.. but i need someone who is on the same page as me. 

i can't do this with Joe, and on some level i know he doesn't want to with me either, it's just something he does.. with girls. 

ahhh i'm confused, 

i know he would never want to be my boyfriend, and i can't see him being that for me

and i don't want a boyfriend right now

and despite what redhead Olivia says about 

"just do him and get good drugs out of it"

i can't.

Joe is someone i'd like to keep as a friend and i think it's gotten to the point where 

no matter how good looking and built he is 

i can't do those things with him.

on another note,

i'm not really sure,

i never know what music to listen to

i've had 5 nosebleeds between yesterday and today, due to things i won't be doing ever again,

i just wish i was in redhead Olivia's room with the usual herb and laughs

she makes me really laugh.

yeah, i didn't go to New City last night. 

i picked up Joe and he drove my car to get some pot and we smoked some and eventually i dropped him off and headed over to Olivia's where we did a replay of Friday night.  it was really fun. 

i just keep waiting for my next insane moment, as i move from one to the next.

television is seriously making me depressed. tomorrow i'm going to drink tea and finish my essay. 

i can only rely on the company of my kitties, and the sun rising in the morning

and i don't want to rely on anything else

I WISH DANIEL WAS HERE

ah

oh no

geez.

i'm not sure what to do with the events that occurred in the wee hours of this morning.

i can't even talk about it.

but it causes great anxiety for me

a result of butterflies that perhaps shouldn't be there

i am so young
there's so much to laugh at

and so many strangers to smile at 

so many more entries to write

why do you look at me funny when i try to laugh at nothing at all

i don't like the looks you give 

my mom's best friend died this morning from cancer

she was the only good friend i know my mom really had 

maybe we're in the same position. it's too bad i can't really talk to her except in my thoughts i wish i could just be that person to give her a genuine hug 

stop looking at me funny because it is fucking annoying. things just aren't the same. 

things will never stay the same

i wish i had a rock that never went away. 

fuck you

everyone who pretended to like me is gone.

that's the debut album of The Walkmen.

if there is one thing i could say if i could say anything at all

it would be that i miss things for the sake of feeling like i have things to miss

i miss my brother because he is so important that he is worth missing, even though when we finally get a chance to speak

i don't know what to say, when there are so many things i could say but nothing comes to mind

i miss Italy because it's a place i like to think takes all my problems away, when it comes to being there 

i want my pillow and bed and comfort zone more than ever, language is such a barrier when people expect me to speak the way they know i can speak but i don't know what to tell them. i am uncomfortable around people, people who love me and give me the world 

i don't know what's wrong with me

i don't know who to talk to

yesterday was fun because it made me not think of anything at all

nothing went through my head

time was not an issue and minutes and seconds didn't exist, the ground moved

my nose dripped and burned

but i couldn't think

i was with a friend who is probably temporary because nothing is permanent

in this world

we talked about death and how it happens and 

ah, this life. i haven't written in my journal in a long time and it's more valuable than this

pile and mess of gigabytes and megabytes and what is this anyways.

nothing is permanent in this world, it is all in my mind 

we talked about religion and it wasn't as assuring as it usually is yet i said it was

assuring

to know it's all in our heads and our thoughts. it's there because we believe it to be there.

my brother said if i ever needed to talk i could e-mail him if he wasn't online.

can someone comfort me in person?

can someone be here for me in person?

can someone hug me for 5 minutes and make sure my world is the same as theirs?

i'm scared and anxious a lot of the time and i want to become something that 

i don't let myself become. i am my own barrier.

i don't want to share things with people anymore. i don't want to tell you what i have in my wallet

i don't want to say what i want to become

because there are flaws in everything and anything and it gets on my nerves and your nerves and everyones nerves and what are nerves anyways but a bunch of branches of blood

that maybe God placed there for us to get irritated by.

i could go on and on if i could say anything at all

but what if i were to say that the other day while driving i imagined getting into a serious car accident,

and i didn't mind the thought one bit

maybe there's a God above.

help

i don't know what it is about that 

mess of emotions 

tear me apart television show. it makes me feel depressed, not depressed

but it's like this pulling feeling in my gut 

anxious, longing

and i'm not sure why

i'm not sure if it's good for me.

probably not. it makes me feel so much. 

maybe it's because i know the music so well.

i need to read art history. maybe make some tea.

dim the lights 

engage my brain in reality and things that actually happened.

oh Botticelli, Masaccio, Giovanni Bellini and Gentile Bellini.

Brunelleschi and DaVinci

it is most definitely the music. i just need some pump up music. i'm thinking

_ on Friday

New City on Sunday

this Aqualung music..

sometimes i want walls of speakers. so that there is virtually no atmosphere to get in the way of the music. i want the sounds to be so thick and dense that my feet can't even touch the ground.  that i am most definitely living within the music. 

sometimes the last thing you want comes in first

sometimes the first thing you want never comes and i know

the waiting is all you can do.

i'm tired of feeling this way

it happens everyday on the train, i can't pass a platform without staring at the people

wondering if i'll see your face. i anticipate what i would feel if i were to see your face, bump into you on campus, 

i think a lot. 

i think about you and then i think about Daniel. and how sad it makes me that he isn't here.

school is a band-aid

i have so many pieces missing from this bridge that supports me. i want to go crazy

do crazy things

dance all night

smoke my brains to bits 

for this i am sorry

very sorry

i want to see people in the flesh. 

when Ryan left to go back to Chino, he went to Seth's room to say goodbye and Seth was listening to his headphones. he didn't budge when Ryan said see ya

and he was resentful

and it made me feel so bad

because i was that. i am that. that is exactly how i deal with people leaving. it was exactly how i reacted the night before Daniel left. 

for this i am sorry

very sorry

some nights i just feel it all. i get through it, of course. it's just sad for a few hours or until i fall asleep..

i don't want to be an only child. i don't want to be spoiled like an only child, i just want to see my brother everyday and tell him what's going on

i feel so stupid when i constantly leave him skype messages asking if he's there and hardly ever getting a response. i couldn't read his Christmas card. i opened it, looked at it and closed it immediately. i didn't want my parents to think i didn't care because i did

i just know everything makes me cry and i didnt want to, then.

why do i feel like i'm grasping at strings attached to people who don't exist to me right now

like Pablo who i wish would talk to me and think about me more

he hasn't called in awhile and i know i haven't either but he knows how much

i love him. and i know how much he doesn't like saying he loves me too.

i remember when i was small and we would be at my aunt's house late and i'd start complaining and crying and my parents would say,

it's because she's tired.

maybe i'm still small and need to be carried when upset

and exhausted. 

i'm exhausted. i am exhausted

and for this i am sorry

very sorry

hallo hallo hallo

stop, its too late, i'm feeling frustrated.

no i don't really but that's what i sang in my car on my way home tonight.

it's fun looking up my name in Urban Dictionary. here is my definition:

1.slang for the drug crystal-meth.

2.A skank ho who likes to listen to Justin Timberlake for ridiculously long periods of time at ungodly hours, and wants to be the Hot Asian Chick on the UrbanDictionary homepage.

3. A deity; the best person to be in your corner; unlimited power and potential; a muse; someone that can change your life. Someone that takes your side even when you're wrong; soulmate; kismet; fortuitous; serendipity

4. Named for the main character in Phantom of the Opera... but she is so much cooler than any soprano!!! 

5.A demonicly posessed 1958 Plymouth Fury (from the Stephen King novel of the same title) that tries to help it's original owner return from death by bewitching a teen-aged outcast into becoming the host as well as killing all of his enemies and anyone else who attempts to interfere with "her" plans.

i am totally cool. i'm going to go eat something, watch The OC, read some art history, and then watch some SKINS yeahhhh

Skins is a sweet British show, the first season finished downloading today.

paycee bitcheees

i was in the studio until 6 something

i went to Second Cup where an ex boyfriends ex girlfriend was with Mitch.

i sat with red head Olivia and laughed about being cats on K

i went home around 8 30 

watched The OC, ate pizza and cried.

The OC has my entire heart

don't worry about mine, imma grind 'til i get it.

you don't wanna fuck with a soldier, use your head or i'll take it off your shoulder

mail it to your mom with a dozen of roses.

now that's fucked up.

i'm a g and you don't gotta know the alphabet to see

i know my whole city, it depends on me

and i forget a lot of shit but i cannot forget the streets.

was a decent day. burned myself several times with the hot glue gun, sliced my thumb with the xacto knife. ate red pepper and tomato soup.

drove people mad with my music ADD. 

man, i am desperate for a fling. i wouldn't say its driving me insane.

no, not insane. would be nice, though.

i've had opportunities

but i feel like i need to move forward,

the last thing i need is to go back to someone from my past where i can't learn anything from them.

perhaps if i start hanging out at New City more often, i can pick up one of them hipster's. haha

blonde Olivia would be proud and probably jealous because we both like to entertain the thought of a nice hipster boy. and how poser we could be with them :)

hahaha i'm in a giddy mood.  Lil Wayne has a sexy voice, especially in the song Lollipop. wOW.

wow, Muse just played on shuffle. there is so much i need to start listening to on my pod but i have too much that i can't even think about it all.

on days like today, i love my hair. i wore comfortable clothes today and i like to think i looked good. i tend to have higher confidence in myself when i'm grunged out. when i'm dressed up i feel not myself and like a big loser. i'm going to start clubbing in grunge. 

i like to wave my arms and stomp my feet and close my eyes.  how do some people not get it? how do some people not get so into sounds that they lose balance but not care because the lack of balance only makes their movement more fluid?

it's the best feeling in the world

and the best part is, you can take and take and you don't have to compromise. the beats are there for your body to take and interpret and it wants to be used.

i like using what wants to be used. things happen in those moments. magical things. God happens in those moments and he don't care if i'm high on kush. high on the lights high on the heat and the hat that he likes to wear. 

today my creative energies were positive and on a roll, as i was able to come up with an excess of ideas. the key, i suppose, is to think 

what would absolutely blow my mind right now? if the walls were talking to me? if i was climbing onto the ceiling? if the wall became a storybook i could walk into? if flowers were black? if the floor became like different levels of giant lego blocks i could only hop and skip from one to the other?

anything is really possible. thinking about Alice and Wonderland always gets me on a roll. i can find a piece of reality within anything abstract

i guarantee it. 

everything looks like something. and that everything was once nothing. 

a nice glass of iced tea would be perfection right now, i think.

so today was pretty interesting

being a girl sucks today

as i was experiencing painful cramps

i decided to give Mary Jane the miracle drug a chance to fix me up

maybe i went over the line, however, because i got up to microwave my heat pack and the scary thing happened.

like 2 other times in my life, i blacked out

its a bunch of awfulness that i'm starting to think is because of blood loss. the THC did not help at all, for once.

hmm i'm watching the Grammy's and i beam with happiness as i watch Coldplay being successful despite pathetic plagiarism accusations. i can't wait for Lil Wayne and Radiohead and Justin Timberlake. i could do without Katy Perry though.

fuck today was nuts though. i hate that. i get hot and cold and clammy and i have a head rush for like 10 minutes so i can't see anything and there's different variations of ringing in my ears for a long time so everything seems surreal i can't see or hear properly and i can hardly move. it's the ickiest feeling in the world.

i hate Kanye West's hair

i just finished watching Center Stage. 

i think i've been having performance withdrawal lately.. with all this going out to clubs. i miss that "having to go pee" feeling before going on stage in front of people. and the good luck rituals

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zap!

i texted Leigha i was feeling sad after watching Center Stage. you know, sometimes i don't even consider myself a dancer. it seems like something i didn't even do. and i think i feel that way because i found a replacement. i became interested in different things that i thought were more interesting. 

i wish i could remember steps and their names, i'm sure it would all come back if i tried. it's only been 2 years. it feels like forever. i wasn't one of the top dancers or anything, but i really enjoyed it when i got it.

i'm too curvy and not flexible enough to be a dancer and pointe shoes kicked my ass week after week but it felt so good to tie those shiny ribbons and i even had some pride in those blisters. and i felt so confident when i was finally able to master a certain tap step that seemed completely impossible. most of the time i couldn't believe one pair of feet could create such awesome music and rhythm and Miss Debbie scared me to death but she pushed us like crazy and she is a brilliant choreographer and teacher. 

i showed Hannah some pictures from when i was in dance and she said 

"it used to be the dance studio, now it's the art studio"

i wanna dance again, and not just in clubs

i miss complaining about it all.

i feel so useless sometimes. i need to set myself physical goals. i feel so unhealthy. why can't this drug do the opposite. why can't i just stop using it. 

ha

it's my lifestyle and maybe this feeling of having had something special but no longer having it will happen again

i am forever changing, i was once a ballerina tap dancer teenybopper who couldn't cut her hair because then it wouldn't fit in a bun.

i am an visual artist and i can't get enough of it

some people may say i'm close minded or cynical but i move in my own way

and i am a cynic i can be negative and i am beyond lazy

i want to be that artist that is arrogant and cynical and maybe doesn't wanna check out 

absolutely everything because i don't feel like it

new things for me take time. i don't look up the music you tell me to look up because it wouldn't make sense to me, 

i don't like a lot of things i experience for the first time. i hated Coldplay and Oasis.

i now love Coldplay and Oasis. perhaps i know what to expect

it could be it. 

what i can expect for always,

is that i will never ever ever ever stop expressing myself no matter the medium, whether it be my body, photographs, film, writing, or charcoal

i can count on that and so can you

i abuse things.

i never spread myself around thinly. i focus everything i've got into one thing and everything else becomes useless to me.

i always know the people in my life aren't a constant, i know when i'm having too much fun with a certain person they will soon annoy me and i won't enjoy their company so much anymore.

i can certainly say i do not have a best friend, besides my brother.. except we haven't talked in weeks and he is related to me.

i don't have a best friend. and i'm pretty sure i'm totally fine with that. in these recent months i have found too many similarites between relationships and friendships. 

i'm bored of this topic. i don't feel like writing now. i know what i feel like doing.

if you know me at all, you know too. 

last night was the best.

the Brohans and whoever the heck else was spinning up there were fucking good. an New City is an awesome club with a floorplan that is brilliant. it's got a lot of space, and it's just comfortable. 

i got so into the dance mood 

and my knees hurt but continued anyways 'cause i never wanna leave the dancefloor. 

it just pisses me off, here it comes, when people on the dancefloor talk. let me rephrase that: i hate when people on the dancefloor talk when the music is begging you for your body. there i am fucking lost in my own world and the people around me are talking about some guy behind over there and that guy in the white hat and what she did and this happened and i don't even know what because i couldn't hear but it was fucking annoying. a dancefloor is for dancing. don't talk.

as time went on i got more and more into the music and just didn't care anymore. that's the best dancing, when it's just natural and you're not forcing it. last weekend, me and Leigha totally were not feeling it and dancing felt like a chore.

and that is definitely something you want to avoid.

to dance

is the best advice anyone can give you

hello world.

i was in the studio until 8 tonight, again.

at least i accomplished a lot.

busy weekend and i am anxious for tomorrow for two different events occuring one after the other.

after that night's rest i will be anxious free as i pitch a tent in the studio.

pitch a tent with Bert. no one wants Bert, forget about sleeping with him.

Bert is a cockroach. He is the studio's pet who we keep in a container with a clear lid.

 

i am halfway through the book A Driftless Area by Tom Drury. i am on a role with this whole reading business. i think it takes me the completion of a novel to pick up my spirits, as i realize it is possible for me to read an entire book, in order to continue a reading routine.  i'm excited to plan my next book.

why the heck am i even on facebook. i have it open and everytime i swtich to that window, i just end up scrolling up and down what the heck is that.

i am so sleepy. i'm allowing myself to sleep in a little bit tomorrow because i plan on being in the studio for 48 hours this weekend. 

well well well , Le Tigre.

mm warm bed around bed time and knowing my eyes will fall into slumber anytime into a dream and dreams in comfortable sleeping positions and it feel s like your sinking into the depths of your bed for days the bowels of your bed like the bowels of the earth found in Chauvet Cave. or that other word i can't think of. you know what i'm talking about though, those primitive beings . ending start, finish line. where i end and you begin, end of days -- does this mean the everlasting reign of nights? what if that what it meant. night with no day is life with no god. i did not capitalize i because my god is God, when i say god with a small g it suddenly becomes any kind of god whether or not its a religion or yoga.

everlasting reign of night..

i like how it sounds, as i, myself, am nocturnal

only thriving the moment i can't see outside my window clearly. i can't see clearly now.

but i am with you because perhaps this song says so. 

cambi tutti i giorni e resti sempre la stessa

you change every day and you'll always remain the same

a te che io ti ho visto piangere nella mia mano,

fragile che potevo ucciderti

i saw you crying in my hand, worried that i can kill you

a te io canto una cansone perche` non ho altro,

niente di meglio di offrirti, di tutto quello che ho

prendi il mio tempo la magia che con un solo salto

ci fa volare dentro l'aria, come bol

to you i sing a song because i have nothing else,

nothing to give you of everything i have

i am dead

in heaven with Lorenzo Jovanotti whom i love whom wrote this song whom you should download and listen to

i looked back in my blog, i precisely finished reading Scar Tissue on December 27th, 2007

this morning i finished reading Ham on Rye on the LRT. this is very significant because it is almost impossible for me to finish an entire novel, as i usually stop halfway through when things get good (which doesn't make much sense, but nothing i do really does).  in fact, i think the last book i completely finished reading was Scar Tissue which was a year ago.

wait, i lied. i actually managed to finish about 3 novels when I was in Italy this summer, one of them being the Book of Longing by Leonard Cohen, which is a book of poetry.. i have some favorites still written down in my journal.

anyways, i haven't really been elaborately writing about my days 

and automatically i want to say it's because i'm so busy

which i am

but i seem to accomplish nothing with every day that passes.

i have a lot on my plate

3 studio courses

and in each, i have past projects to touch up on, and future projects to think and brainstorm about

plus my Video projects

plus Greg's business card designs

plus Breanna's photoshoot this weekend

plus my new job

plus going out.

well after this weekend i will not be going out until Shout Out Out Out Out's new album release at the end of February. which i still have to get tickets for... tomorrow at break i will. 

the plan this Friday is New City with Leigha, blonde Olivia, Tyler and Betty. it should be a good time at a club i've never been to before. with a Greek God i love to lay my eyes on..

i figure if i put too much on my plate, i'll be excited to be busy and i'll have to tackle everything.

it's a lot, but i want to do it all

but first, what to wear..

also, visit this website  http://www.newser.com/story/30900/dubai-high-rise-would-add-novel-twists.html

it will most definitely blow your mind.

welcome to Minority Report, folks.

i am so into The OC

most of the time i'm scared of watching it because it makes me sad

how pathetic can you be to be so into a television show the way i am so into The OC

anyways, this weekend was pretty crazy, they seem to be going by really fast now that i am not necessarily a hermit.

i'm watching The OC right now as i type. it makes me laugh in a way that makes me feel like their family is my family. Marissa called Ryan her boyfriend.

i'll stop talking about The OC and the love i have for it.

friday night.. oh yeah friday i was in the studio most of the day, at 5 i went to work where i sat next to Breanna and it's probably a good idea that we --

hahaha Ryan: sometimes i think you talk just to make sounds

Seth: well sometimes i do

--don't sit next to each other because it's a whole giggle fest when we're in the same room together. it went alright, i guess, but when it came time for me to put on that headset

i almost broke out in hives

talking to people on the phone does that to me.

the plan for friday night was to pick up Jamiee and go to Olivia's until midnight (for the sake of her beauty sleep ha) but God decided to stir the atmosphere with heavy winds so i didn't go. i was just scared to drive home. 

Saturday morning i went to the dentist, my dentist whose name is Yousif Chabaan is a pretty good looking guy, by the way. well the outcome of that is that my third unbothersome wisdom tooth needs to be extracted from my jaw. 

getting my other two taken out didn't bother me, it's just a pain having to go through the stress of waiting in the waiting room of the dentist office that i hate more than the extraction of a tooth. 

Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung, very very good song.

Saturday night i went to Leigha's where the usual happened, and then we went out to Vinyl for Samantha's 20th birthday which ended up being awkward as hell. we didn't know half the people and just that entire group is a lot different than how me and Leigha have turned out.. 

but Steve was there who i haven't seen since grade ten! he also didn't know a whole lot of people so we hung out with him.

to add onto that, me and Leigha discovered the tastiest alcoholic drink !  it's called a Smartie, and it tastes exactly like a smartie and nothing like alcohol!

The OC has such distinctive music. 

so anyways, it was lame. so we left around 11 30 and just hit the bong until pretty late. we were so dead and bored and stoned there was nothing to do we eventually just fell asleep to the music playing live at Diesel Lounge on the radio. 

Lauren showed up around 3 in the morning talking loudly on the phone and then Leigha woke up and i think everyone finally got settled around 6 in the morning hahaha

in the morning, they left at 9 to go to Mitchell's soccer game and i had to work at noon so i slept in longer and then woke up, cleaned the apartment a bit and went to work.

i was super nervous, but once i got there, there was only one other girl who had said last Sunday no one had showed up either, so after half an hour of facebooking at work, we just left. 

and i'm pretty sure i'm getting paid for 4 hours of work today haha. how marvelous working for the University is.

i love Benjamin Mackenzie

and Adam Brody

but Benjamin is one of my favorite names, so...

ALSO, when i was out for a smoke at Vinyl i ran into a guy named Daniel who i had danced with at a wedding in Saskatoon in August. how cool!