everyone who pretended to like me is gone.

that's the debut album of The Walkmen.

if there is one thing i could say if i could say anything at all

it would be that i miss things for the sake of feeling like i have things to miss

i miss my brother because he is so important that he is worth missing, even though when we finally get a chance to speak

i don't know what to say, when there are so many things i could say but nothing comes to mind

i miss Italy because it's a place i like to think takes all my problems away, when it comes to being there 

i want my pillow and bed and comfort zone more than ever, language is such a barrier when people expect me to speak the way they know i can speak but i don't know what to tell them. i am uncomfortable around people, people who love me and give me the world 

i don't know what's wrong with me

i don't know who to talk to

yesterday was fun because it made me not think of anything at all

nothing went through my head

time was not an issue and minutes and seconds didn't exist, the ground moved

my nose dripped and burned

but i couldn't think

i was with a friend who is probably temporary because nothing is permanent

in this world

we talked about death and how it happens and 

ah, this life. i haven't written in my journal in a long time and it's more valuable than this

pile and mess of gigabytes and megabytes and what is this anyways.

nothing is permanent in this world, it is all in my mind 

we talked about religion and it wasn't as assuring as it usually is yet i said it was

assuring

to know it's all in our heads and our thoughts. it's there because we believe it to be there.

my brother said if i ever needed to talk i could e-mail him if he wasn't online.

can someone comfort me in person?

can someone be here for me in person?

can someone hug me for 5 minutes and make sure my world is the same as theirs?

i'm scared and anxious a lot of the time and i want to become something that 

i don't let myself become. i am my own barrier.

i don't want to share things with people anymore. i don't want to tell you what i have in my wallet

i don't want to say what i want to become

because there are flaws in everything and anything and it gets on my nerves and your nerves and everyones nerves and what are nerves anyways but a bunch of branches of blood

that maybe God placed there for us to get irritated by.

i could go on and on if i could say anything at all

but what if i were to say that the other day while driving i imagined getting into a serious car accident,

and i didn't mind the thought one bit