since i am an aspiring director of photography, i think i'm going to get my mom's camera and start doing video blogs

only for my personal benefit. i think i'll be inspired a lot more

i need some molding. as much molding and shaping and extremes as i can possibly fit into my 20 pound brain.

i went to hang out with Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo. he wasn't what i expected, i'm not sure about the physical attraction, but i really connected with him
and he definitely has an awesome personality. it was really refreshing actually, because it's been awhile since i've been able to have such a smooth conversation with another person. we have very similar interests, and we can relate to each other. and he has an awesome sense of humour... he can really make me laugh, and he's really random. i could see us hanging out a lot more in the future.. and for a long long time

i am full to my head with things i have to say. i've closed the door to this room completely, a sign that i've secluded myself in this place so nobody can hear me type.

i just feel like i keep losing. yes, be prepared for some self-pity. it's hard to take anymore advice, because i feel there's nothing i can do but strand myself on an island with no food and lots of sun.

just talking to Heather tonight, i felt so defeated.. like there's so many things i could be doing, like right now i want to go ride my bike down the road by my house and just.. ride.
i am going to ride my bike everyday.
i will ride my bike everyday.
and i will love every second of it.
i'm going to go down roads i haven't gone down before, i'll listen to songs i haven't listened to before.
i'll think thoughts i've never thought before, i'll breathe air i've never breathed before.

frustration is this 50 pound knapsack on me right now. and i just need to write write write everything i can even think of because my mind just needs

emptying

and i hate how i say these things perfectly in my head, they make perfect sense, they are perfectly heard by my conscience, but when it comes down to it i can't get it out.. i was going to write in my journal, but i figured i can get things out faster on the computer.

is it weird that i just downloaded Seal?

i went to church three days in a row. i am so clever in the silence of my mind, i say the best things to myself, telling myself i have to write it down, and it never comes out the way i picture it. i've come to the realization that it's all in the way it is read. this became evident to me a few months ago when my english teacher was going over an assignment i did with me. i knew i did awful on it, i could've put more effort into it, so i was dreading when he'd read it aloud. but when he did, just the way he read it, it made me think.. i'm a damn good writer.

i was sitting in church, and it's always a tough topic for me. that hour in which i am supposed to be thinking about how thankful i am to be alive and have everlasting life, i am only thinking about how i've failed God terribly because i cringe at the churchy smell, the old ladies shrill voices, and the chants that make me feel sucked into some very popular cult.

the last thing i want to think is that i've been baptised into a cult, but i feel that if it wasn't so popular, so widely known, it would be a cult. the thing i find conflicting within myself the most, however, is that i actually tell God how i feel about it all. i will sit there and say to myself,

"God, i know you know how i feel about all this. i can only talk to you in the privacy of my room, when the lights are low and i feel like i know for sure you are listening to only me. and i totally respect you, and i know you love me because everytime we have a conversation, i am relieved of any lonliness or any pain that's present. you are my ultimate friend and i don't like being here in this church because everyone creates this almighty image of you... like i am not worthy of your attention. i am uncomfortable talking to you in monotonous chants, or saying things to you that everyone else is saying to you. i want you to know how i am feeling, and what is going on with me, not what we are so accustomed to saying every single mass in the same order. if i truly know you, you are probably bored with it all anyways, and for all the things you've done for me, i at least want to do a favor for you and be completely real and honest with you. so don't look down upon me when i am angry about going to church, or when my mother is frustrated with me.
i'm just thinking that church is solely so people can be guilt-free and feel justified to You.
i just like our one-on-one time, ya know?"

that went on a lot longer than expected. i just have so much to say now. and this is and will be a lengthy post.

i concluded to my brother that 90% of the people in the church at the time had short hair. and i calculated out of the three fans which was going the fastest.

much more needs to be said... trust me. but i'd rather not force the genius in me

february 17, 2008

....

it's just a bad day, maybe. i put Matt Costa on my iPod. listening to his songs... it's like i've heard them before.

i'm not wanting this. why do i get this way? i've slowly grown out of it... i have to be patient. i plan too much, i strive for that image of perfection. it leaves a lot of room for disappointment.

my mind races and i'm left with this sickness. i feel like a disease, which needs to be gotten rid of. by myself with plenty of things i could be doing but all that seems important is that my world feels it's coming to a finish.

Until i have a personal connection to a person. so someone knows i exist for even a minute.
i need to announce myself to someone and my world is back.

i hate the silence when it surrounds only me. sitting in that silence cross-legged with the murmur of the television... moving pictures.. humming of the computer... they seem to cancel each other out so i'm left with virtually nothing of comfort value. all while objects, images, thoughts, scenarios, songs are flying around like the Kansas tornado, except in my brain.

i've reached absolute vulnerability. and there's no going back. i've lost all certainty i had when i only relied on myself for love.

i am left hot and bothered sometimes.

i just read my friend's blog, seeing that she had a bunch of quotes up, i read them and felt totally unchanged.

i know a lot of people who place quotes all over their internet profiles, hoping to get some inspiration from them. but what i think is more important than the quote itself, is who said them. i mean, if you know absolutely nothing about the person who said the quote, or know nothing about what happened to them that made them say it, how can it really mean anything to someone? how can it really be inspiring?

i only look for quotes by people i hold a high respect for. i feel that if their name could be totally optional sitting beside the quote, it's meaningless.

for example, in this certain quote:
“The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.” - Che Guevara

in my opinion, the Che Guevara part is just as important, if not more, important than the quote itself.

so i admit that in the past couple months i allowed myself to get very attached to someone in a very short amount of time. sharing a common interest in many things, our personalities seemed near perfect together. of course, it didn't work out. but i am pretty happy that i was so open with him that i didn't stifle any feelings i felt and i allowed myself to pursue that human connection in a reckless manner.

in the wee hours of the morning last night, i watched and recorded this show called "Making Sense of the Sixties". it discussed the American counterculture of drugs and sex, peace and love. something that stood out for me was that these people were all about living.

living is different for many people. to some it could mean their nine to five jobs, their house, their cars, their education and most importantly, their salary.
for others like myself, it means being happy and fulfilling your purpose in life, whether you're scraping money together to pay rent for a shit hole apartment, or wiping your ass with it. it also means realizing that there is a whole world to experience and i am just one in 6 billion people. that is a ton of people.

doesn't that make you feel small. so incredibly insignificant, hey. we're all so busy and so rushed.. i gotta do this by this time, i need to go here before i go there..

i just want to lay in the grass for awhile.

i just want to do my portfolio. i wish i could work on it all day long, instead of having to worry about school work as well.

as for Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, he is 20 years old today, which somehow adds to his appeal, probably because he is no longer a teen, but a real man. and when i tell people about him, twenty years old just sounds more satisfying. when he came home from the bar last night he texted me and asked me out. how wonderful the night life can be! i am completely serious when saying that. i've met so many really cool people as a result of loud music and reasonable intakes of alcohol!

i've finished Into The Wild. i am in desperate need of a new book

new book!!!!

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Mar 13, 2008 Even if you've been a little uncertain about a few things lately, you'll probably be feeling a little surer of yourself today. As one door is closing, another one might be ready to open for you. And if you haven't yet found that someone special, then get ready because an interesting new romance could very well be on its way.

Your romantic intentions could be well-received today, so you might want to take a chance and make your feelings known right now. Luck should be on your side when it comes to most endeavors today.

ooh yay!!!

hey hey hey hey hey hey

well today my day started off at 7:30 in the hum room, writing my english exam. at 9:20 i went to cosmetology where nothing was accomplished, and then i had spare where i went to Tim Hortons with Kevin and some others and at 11:40 i had lunch so i read some more of my amazing book
---- i have just realized that i haven't mentioned this amazing book that Vitto let me borrow. its called Into The Wild, based on a true story and it just became a motion picture directed by Sean Penn!! yay!! -----
and then Zach from Yellowknife came!!! so we chilled for a bit and then he left to Tim Hortons. so i went to the library where i bumped into Jordan and Kevin. i seem to be unable to get rid of that kid. we spend all our spares together, it's weird.

we're both hippies, though, so it's pretty awesome. yay for sunflowers!!

went tanning after school,
after that??? ummmh

did pretty much

nuttn

yay
so i got out of school at 11:40 today and Trevor drove me home and i got a text message from Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo!!!

how exciting. it isn't a phone call, but it still counts.
apparently he works at a photography studio. how sweet!

mango's are yummy

well i am happy to report that his trip to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend was an amazing one. how lovely.
it was so amazing, in fact, that he will be going again this weekend if she doesn't come to Edmonton.
and i want my novels back.

it's really too bad i didn't even get a chance to take a ride in his VW van. shit happens i guess

it's an exciting thing, really, that my cafeteria fills up my travel mug with hot water for FREE. i wasn't aware of such awesomeness, but now that i am, i will be consuming about a cup of green tea every single block. just as i did today.

school's never been better in this way. also, i no longer experience jealousy seeing them in the hall. thanks to Vitto, i guess. but no thanks, also, because now i like him and he is currently pursuing his ex-girlfriend.

man oh man i deserve a gold star on my forehead.
for having the best timing, of course.

i am rolling my eyes to that, if you can't see me right now.

it's actually alright. Breanne told me one day..
"you know how couples always celebrate their monthiversaries and anniversaries... i think it's weird that friends don't do that with eachother."

i totally agreed with her. i mean, friends are always there. friends, in a lot of ways, are the most important thing a person has. i will now celebrate monthiversaries and anniversaries with friends. and i think you should too.

on another note, Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo has not given me a telephone call. i'm not really expecting one, however... but we all know i'm kidding myself when i say that.. ha

my activity levels were low today. but it was a good day nonetheless. had english, cosmetology, chemistry, lunch in the library with Kevin Sunflower and Olivia. yes i said Kevin Sunflower. his real last name really isn't that, but Sunflower is a Plant so i believe it qualifies. and it's a totally hippie name, and i think it suits him perfectly.

anyways, i had chemistry after lunch again where i actually got all my work done... thanks to The Roots in my freshly cleaned ears. and then i met my mom at Londonderry. she bought me a hoodie from Sears. and then we went to Superstore and she bought me another hoodie and a shirt. i came home and slept until SEVEN PM

and then i went driving for an hour.
and i am here now.

thanks Nicole, by the way, for your very much appreciated comment.

peace fellow sunflowers

last night we went out for Breanne's 18th birthday. we mainly consists of me, Breanne, Chris (her brother) and Tristan.

we went to Halo, which will always have a special place in my heart. we were sitting there
and all of a sudden these two guys come up to us and we just start talking. they were so funny.

Kyle and Dave

me and Dave talked for quite some time. we talked about a lot, too, now that i think about it. he's 19 and he lived in London for 5 months and he's taking graphic design at NAIT next year. he was talking about how his goal in life is to get in the VIP section at Halo, and Chris (Breanne's brother), said that he sets himself high goals and then Dave said he has a few others before that one.
and then i asked him what his other goals are, and he said the most amazing thing.

he said he wants to write a children's book. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! i told him that i already wrote one for my portfolio admission! so we ended up talking about that, and he asked me what my dream job is, and i told him a cinematographer and he said that was awesome. then i told him i was going to see Radiohead in Vancouver this summer and we ended up talking about music, and movies... david beckham, celebrity obsessions, across the universe and sweeney todd.

then he told me the weirdest thing. he was like "i don't mean this offensively, but i find that i get to know a person really well when i ask this question. what is your favorite thing to do with water??"

like seriously, what a guy!
and we have a few interests in common.. the whole design deal. and he lived in London for 5 months!

i seem to attract the same kind of guys... it's wicked cool. him and his friend left, but before leaving he asked for my number and then called my cell so i had his, and then he gave me a hug before leaving. ahhhhh haha

anyway, after that, we danced and then walked to the Fox. where we stood in line for about an hour and we got pretty pissed off so we left and went to Boston Pizza hahaha

lots of other stuff happened, but i'm too


lazy

i am sitting here not really sure what to say
or think
or do

i'm exhausted. i want to fall flat onto my bed my downy bed and close my eyes and sleep
there's so much on my mind, however, i don't know how to deal
with it all

you know what could be heaven right now
in my room with my candles lit, and dim lighting
with bob in the back
and me and pablo laying on my bed
and just talking

i miss that dirty mexican. he's really not mexican by the way.

i always wondered why non-mexican spanish people get offended when called a mexican. it's the only spanish country that located in north american. god i hate north america.

i'd love to visit anywhere but north america.

mmm backstreet boys. i need to look for a grad dress. close my eyes reach my hand out there and grab the first red one i don't see.

if that makes sense. i'm classy. classic. red. knee length. blonde. waves. hassle free and simple.

simplicity

how many things can i be in these short minutes. i am tired. i am bloated. i am nervous. i am anxious. i am upset. i am scared. i am excited. i am lazy. i am failing.

what on earth is happening. i don't know is better than a no. or a yes, depending on the situation being discussed.

but not knowing is awful, in fact. it isn't a definite thing you can stand on. it leaves you lingering. like on your tippy toes on the roundest rock in the amazon waterfall.
reminds me of that song by Coldplay, called Green Eyes. i think that's the one. perhaps another one.

" Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand"
"Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float"

i remember sitting on the balcony on top of the world, we was listening to the cheesy music that rocked my world at 14. having the trees beneath me spin a web in case i decided to jump. singing and laughing in the setting sun.

feeling happy just with the thought of having a pillow outside.

i was looking at my dirty feet on the cold cement, walking around shoeless is the best in that place. the silence could have hung a 'do not disturb' sign on our big mouths, but it let our laughter be heard on the other side of town. it's the closeness, the familiarity, the security of the place that is unlike anything else.

"hey you in the south, i'm in the north, you can hear me clearly because we're so close".

paradise exists, my friends.
i just told this guy i used to know, "haha whatever. i don't need another tight ass in my life anyways. you should look into opening your mind even a little bit."

look into it
happy sleeps all around the world i'm hoping

i feel it's the right time for the name change.

since the birth of this blog, i've had the following names:
kisssy, christine, don't think; just feel, [un]orthodox, shades of gray, sketchy, and then i named it Dirty Laundry on January 21, 2007. so i've had that name for a good year, which i am pretty proud of because i change my mind like a flag sways in the wind.

and i have changed as a person, i see the world differently, so i think it's time for a change.

i chose Dirty Laundry because my blog is my way of "airing my dirty laundry"... basically my views, everyday life, and secrets.

i am changing it to The Clothesline of a Beatnik, because the clothesline implies that this is my story, my life continuing from day to day like a clothesline, and Beatnik is basically another word for hippie, aka me

haha

me likey.

my aura is made out of bubblegum right now.

happiness.

i'm on my third cup of green tea, and it's largely due to this fact that i am so happy.

Breanne's 18th on Saturday and i can't wait.

once again, i'd rather leave my lingering ideas, lingering nowhere but my mind.

"never is a promise.. and you can't afford to lie"

i just listened to that specific line in a Fiona song <3

i have no words. i just laid in bed and did my homework while listening to Bob.
i'm feeling like green tea.

i should go to the gym in a half hour. i really don't want to. i know i should.
i really don't want to.

i am going to go to Italy this summer. and there's a good chance Breanne will be coming with me. i can't wait.

just the idea of bringing someone along with me is surreal. it's exciting, because whenever i go there it's like i'm travelling to a different world... almost as if it really doesn't exist.

i have a million words i could say
but i feel like it's better left in my imagination.

i forgot to mention...


that i voted today yay!!!!!

"you're about to do something really out of character. have you thought through all the consequences?"

the horoscope today said that. hmmmph.

anyway

i am a drinker of Legends of China green tea. i love it so much that i save the packets they come in and i make posters out of them. i figure, better on my wall looking pretty than in the garbage, right?

but my mom has bought this new kind of green tea. called Tazo Zen, a harmonious blend with lemongrass and spearmint.

it's so yummy.

i love both, so i've decided that Tazo deserves spots on my wall as well.

me tired ridiculously.

saturday night i went to the club, and didn't sleep until 3 in the morning, then had to wake up early to work 9-5 and even with all the drowsiness laying on me, i still couldn't fall asleep until 2 last night

making for a really grumpy christine today.

last night was awful.. i was laying in the most comfortable positions and but my mind was restless. almost like it was on speed, and then coming down from the best high ever, i felt like bubblegum on the bottom of my shoe with the random hair stuck in it.

gross.

i even cried a little whilst talking to God. everything always seems like the end of the world until the sun rises again and i feel like an idiot for even stressing.
basically, i had a 20 minute text conversation with Cameron.
followed by me telling my brother i can't sleep, who was only in the basement.
him and Heather had just gotten to sleep, so i couldn't hang out with them or anything.
i wrote to him that university, my chem test, Vitto, and this summer are what i keep thinking about.

he gave me great advice: he told me to write in my journal, or put on some tea and listen to some bob. he said we'd talk tomorrow.

normally, i would have done just that.

instead, i watched Friends on my iPod and it put me right where it's good. to sleep.

we went to Globe last night to celebrate Breanne's last weekend as a minor ha.

was lots of fun
i may elaborate another day because i just don't think it's important to talk about every pub/club experience i have.

anyways, work today was fucked beyond belief and i was running on little sleep.
and mother will kick my sorry ass if i don't get minimum 80 on my chem final on tuesday.

peace

allo allo

i don't have a purpose of writing right now
i just feel like writing.

i have been ridiculously addicted to Oasis this past week. i don't know what it is, they make me go nuts. i will never stop loving them.

lots of people came into work today. i think i gave away about 6 free drinks man. it was crazy.

saw this guy i haven't seen since grade 9, that was weird. i used to really like him on and off. he's not really my type of guy anymore. but then again, i don't know how he has changed, and i don't really have a type.

Cameron stopped by too.. he's gotten a lot more attractive. i'm pretty sure i told him that on facebook a few months ago too. and he was with Brett. that's a guy i do not understand at all. like, it seems when he comes to second cup he's really nice to me and shit, and i remember he sat by me on the bus once and we had a lovely conversation and then he doesn't even acknowledge my existance at school. it's the weirdest thing. that's what i mean by shady people. and i hate shady people.

oh yeah
so the other day i gave him a phone call. and i was prepared to say what i had to say to be straightforward with him, i even had important points written down so i wouldn't blank out.

and after all that nervosity and preparation, i had a 4 minute conversation with him. 50% was me talking, 25% was him mumbling, and the other 25% was me asking to repeat his uncomprehendable mumbling.

it was painful. i felt as though i was talking to a grade A retard.
and then i called Breanne. and we talked for so long. so so long. and we had a very important and meaningful conversation.
it makes me so incredibly happy to finally have a best friend that i actually like talking to on the phone. i never had a best friend who i texted or talked to ask much as i do with Breanne. it's wickedly cool.

and this weekend Pablo will be giving me a call. and that is one phone call i am really looking forward to.

the television is calling me..