february 17, 2008

....

it's just a bad day, maybe. i put Matt Costa on my iPod. listening to his songs... it's like i've heard them before.

i'm not wanting this. why do i get this way? i've slowly grown out of it... i have to be patient. i plan too much, i strive for that image of perfection. it leaves a lot of room for disappointment.

my mind races and i'm left with this sickness. i feel like a disease, which needs to be gotten rid of. by myself with plenty of things i could be doing but all that seems important is that my world feels it's coming to a finish.

Until i have a personal connection to a person. so someone knows i exist for even a minute.
i need to announce myself to someone and my world is back.

i hate the silence when it surrounds only me. sitting in that silence cross-legged with the murmur of the television... moving pictures.. humming of the computer... they seem to cancel each other out so i'm left with virtually nothing of comfort value. all while objects, images, thoughts, scenarios, songs are flying around like the Kansas tornado, except in my brain.

i've reached absolute vulnerability. and there's no going back. i've lost all certainty i had when i only relied on myself for love.