i am full to my head with things i have to say. i've closed the door to this room completely, a sign that i've secluded myself in this place so nobody can hear me type.

i just feel like i keep losing. yes, be prepared for some self-pity. it's hard to take anymore advice, because i feel there's nothing i can do but strand myself on an island with no food and lots of sun.

just talking to Heather tonight, i felt so defeated.. like there's so many things i could be doing, like right now i want to go ride my bike down the road by my house and just.. ride.
i am going to ride my bike everyday.
i will ride my bike everyday.
and i will love every second of it.
i'm going to go down roads i haven't gone down before, i'll listen to songs i haven't listened to before.
i'll think thoughts i've never thought before, i'll breathe air i've never breathed before.

frustration is this 50 pound knapsack on me right now. and i just need to write write write everything i can even think of because my mind just needs

emptying

and i hate how i say these things perfectly in my head, they make perfect sense, they are perfectly heard by my conscience, but when it comes down to it i can't get it out.. i was going to write in my journal, but i figured i can get things out faster on the computer.

is it weird that i just downloaded Seal?

i went to church three days in a row. i am so clever in the silence of my mind, i say the best things to myself, telling myself i have to write it down, and it never comes out the way i picture it. i've come to the realization that it's all in the way it is read. this became evident to me a few months ago when my english teacher was going over an assignment i did with me. i knew i did awful on it, i could've put more effort into it, so i was dreading when he'd read it aloud. but when he did, just the way he read it, it made me think.. i'm a damn good writer.

i was sitting in church, and it's always a tough topic for me. that hour in which i am supposed to be thinking about how thankful i am to be alive and have everlasting life, i am only thinking about how i've failed God terribly because i cringe at the churchy smell, the old ladies shrill voices, and the chants that make me feel sucked into some very popular cult.

the last thing i want to think is that i've been baptised into a cult, but i feel that if it wasn't so popular, so widely known, it would be a cult. the thing i find conflicting within myself the most, however, is that i actually tell God how i feel about it all. i will sit there and say to myself,

"God, i know you know how i feel about all this. i can only talk to you in the privacy of my room, when the lights are low and i feel like i know for sure you are listening to only me. and i totally respect you, and i know you love me because everytime we have a conversation, i am relieved of any lonliness or any pain that's present. you are my ultimate friend and i don't like being here in this church because everyone creates this almighty image of you... like i am not worthy of your attention. i am uncomfortable talking to you in monotonous chants, or saying things to you that everyone else is saying to you. i want you to know how i am feeling, and what is going on with me, not what we are so accustomed to saying every single mass in the same order. if i truly know you, you are probably bored with it all anyways, and for all the things you've done for me, i at least want to do a favor for you and be completely real and honest with you. so don't look down upon me when i am angry about going to church, or when my mother is frustrated with me.
i'm just thinking that church is solely so people can be guilt-free and feel justified to You.
i just like our one-on-one time, ya know?"

that went on a lot longer than expected. i just have so much to say now. and this is and will be a lengthy post.

i concluded to my brother that 90% of the people in the church at the time had short hair. and i calculated out of the three fans which was going the fastest.

much more needs to be said... trust me. but i'd rather not force the genius in me