Aquarius - Wednesday December 26, 2007

Your intuition has probably been very strong of late, and you may have even had some very powerful dreams recently. You shouldn't be afraid to figure out where you'd like to go and then follow your intuition in the coming days to help you get there.

Christmas went well. i cannot use my phone as a conversation starter, that's for sure, because i got a new one that doesn't need a bobby pin antenna. i got the GOLD LG shine phone. yes, it's gold. most people think its hideous, i, for one, think it's incredible. reminds me of the 60s, pulp fiction era, old fashioned.. gold brick. very classy.

today me and Daniel went to Heather's empty condo to do some work. we used her scanner to scan my big sketches for my children's book. he showed me how to do different stuff on Adobe InDesign to edit my sketches. it's really sweet and i finished the basic edits. i still have to add color and play around with text and stuff. i can't wait.
after spending about three hours there, we went to Phobulous, a vietnamese restaurant. it was really good. then we came home and watched some tv, read a little bit, i worked some more on my portfolio while watching Good Will Hunting.

i think Breanne might sleep over tomorrow night. and we can finally watch American History X, i've been wanting her to see it for SO long because it's one of my favorites, but i want to see it with her so she's been waiting a while.

i'm not really sure what else to write. the best things come unexpectedly, so next time i have some sort of crazy idea, i'll write it in my GOLD LG shine cellphone notepad and save it =)

Breanne gave me my Christmas present today. i opened it at home and inside the box was a really really sweet cover for my iPod and a huge book on Che Guevara. once i'm done reading Scar Tissue, i'll start reading Che. i can't wait.

the best part of the present, however, was the card. it was a picture of us that was photoshopped so it didn't really look like us. on it, this is was typed:

"For the hidden depths of dusty parkades and the highest rooftops beside the sun,
For apple perfume and perpetual matching
For Brenda and Kelly, Steve and Brandon
And maybe a little for Dylan,
For memories and motives, and of course for Mortal Kombat:
The world is ours for the taking,
and only your mom will stop us!"

the hidden depths of dusty parkades refers to our smoking spot in the Kingsway parking lot
the highest rooftops beside the sun refers to the time we climbed onto the roof of her garage and sunbathed.. and later got stuck on the roof.
the apple perfume refers to the candy apple perfume we were introduced to at Sears.
the perpetual matching refers to our similarities. people have called us twins/sisters before.
the Brenda, Kelly, Steve, Brandon and Dylan refer to the characters on Beverly Hills 90210, a show she introduced to me, and a show we are equally obsessed with.
Mortal Kombat refers to our matches in the game on Sega.
and my mom in there refers to how strict she is.

to conclude, the poem is really good and very touching. i laughed and wanted to cry and i love her.

it's been ok.

i found a book that i am totally obsessed with. it's called Scar Tissue, story of the life of Anthony Kiedis. i've made a vow to myself that i will always have a book to read. i really miss reading, i used to do a lot of it. and my life just seems more complete when i can look forward to a good read.

i did more Christmas shopping these past weeks than i have in my whole life. i have been de-scrooged, in a way. not that i don't like Christmas (because it is by far my favorite holiday during my favorite season), but i used to be so commercial about it. the presents and all. my mom has taken away my presents and i didn't even care. i just love Christmas so much that it's not even about presents anymore. i love the excitement and anticipation. and the snow outside and the drive to my aunt's for Christmas dinner.

i was sitting on the bus one morning last week, reading Scar Tissue and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers on random. i got to a part where Anthony Kiedis was feeling depressed in his car and he started writing a song right then. he wrote the lyrics and just as i started reading the lyrics (Under The Bridge), the song was on and as my brain interpreted the words on the page, it also interpreted the words i was hearing. it was a complete coincidence that gave me the biggest smile. i love Anthony Kiedis.

as for my current personal relationships. i can safely and confidently say that Breanne is my best friend. i haven't been able to call someone a best friend in awhile. i'm kind of walk through the hallways of my school as un-distinguished. i'm definitely not those out there type of people, i'm not cut out for that constant bubbliness of a life, and i don't really go out of my way for people. i just stick to my own, do my own stuff and move on. and i'm happy that Breanne and me have become as close as we have. i think it's important to have something like that for me. and she's not ditzy or shallow. she's definitely got a deep personality and she's into light-hearted fun. we're very similar and the differences we have only help by presenting other perspective's on things. we can be very philosophical sometimes and then we can be completely not.

for example, we were at Kingsway mall and i was buying my mom some vacuum bags at Sears. the lady working in the Vacuum department was ridiculously gorgeous.. here is the conversation that followed:

Christine- i don't understand when good looking people work in shitty places.
Breanne- maybe it's a part time job.. but she really is good looking.
Christine- yeah she really is. i don't think there's anything wrong with her.
Breanne- everyone has something wrong with them.. and if there isn't, they always find something.
Christine- i think she's perfect.
Breanne- i'll find something...
(after talking to her)
Breanne- her mouth.
Christine- her mouth? are you kidding me? whats wrong with it?
Breanne- it protrudes a little bit
Christine- i think it contributes to how gorgeous she is. if all her features were standardly beautiful, she wouldn't be that attractive.
Breanne- yeah i guess you're right. bitch.

i guess i have emotional attachment to Breanne. see, i was thinking about how if i get into ACAD next year and move to Calgary, it wouldn't be difficult because i don't really have any emotional attachment to anyone. and then i evaluated my friendship with Breanne, and it definitely is something i would miss.. she kinda grew on me and i didn't even realize it.

i spent $70 on her Christmas present... i don't think i've ever spent that much on a friend. but i guess that's what happens when you're employed haha..

as for men. i think it's important in a relationship with a guy that silence is comfortable. silence says a lot if you think about it. comfortable silences say that the two separate parties don't feel the need to entertain one another constantly. it has a bigger impact i think.
anyways.. there's always someone i think about more often than not, but like most of the time, it goes away in a few months, nothings ever permanent, it seems. it can be unfortunate.

but to look on the brighter side, it's Christmas eve eve in about two minutes!

Your heartbeat is pulsing at night in your chest
It's gold and it's glowing with all the life you have left
I received your words from hospitals where you felt alone
Your words like smoke, they made me sick but they kept me warm

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias

Your eyes are like sea glass, so weathered and worn
From all they've seen of adolescence torn
The lovers who have tainted you, they pulled you into the night
They touched your skin with velvet gloves and made you feel alive

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade

You are weathered and worn
Your petals soft and torn
The fading color
You have bent your shoulders
To hold the weight of the world
You will surely shatter

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade

"Ready for a role reversal in a relationship? You're about to realize the tides have changed."

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

there are some things in this world that, even though you want to find flaws within, are purely joyful. they're those things, objects, people or moments that if even for a minute, seem incomprehensibly irreplacable.

He simply said i was pretty, said he'd always be there for me. She went shopping with me, we laughed, we watched television together and talked about the random things in this world that make it so unique yet beautiful.
sitting here, curled up on my couch with genetics worksheets on my lap, i cannot help but sing out loud the lyrics to all my favorite Coldplay songs. That is, precisely, when i realized those joyful moments in life. it may feel like the world is on my shoulders. it may feel like i have no escape, like i have a million things i should be doing. it may feel like my whole life is determined in this one short year but i sit nice and warm on my couch and sing. i sing loud so potential passerbys can hear these pure words and know that within those walls there is a girl who despite the wrongs in life, is experiencing bliss that nobody can take away from her.

it was then i realized how incredibly amazing Coldplay is. their melodies, and lyrics, the paino, drums, his voice, seem so unlike anything else in this world. who is so in touch with emotions and humans to be able to put such ridiculously powerful words together? if ones heart could talk, it would recite Coldplay lyrics.

some songs create an image in my mind of someplace or someone, and despite the bitter or resentful feelings that lay so close to my surface, i feel happy. the sadness is suddenly not so bad.

the songs spark emotion in me and whatever emotion it is, it's OK. it's been years and for words and harmonies to still give me a sense of self, of surroundings, of my heart, of my mind... it's something that cannot be expressed in words. it must be experienced.

Come on can’t I dream for one day
There’s nothing that can’t be done
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone

I’ve lived through my share of misfortune
And I’ve worked in the blazing sun
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone.

Because it’s dragging me down
I’d like to know about when
When does it all turn around

Cause I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never.
Can I break the spell of the typical.
The typical
I’m just the typical
Can I break the spell of the typical

i weighed myself this morning. i lost 5 pounds =D

we texted until 2 in the morning and he said the sweetest things that gave me butterflies. is that weird??
i've known him for over 3 years and we liked each other the summer before grade 9 and i kind of shut him down when i told him i liked someone else. our relationship was the never the same after that.. it's always on and off. i can never really trust him because he's played with my head in the past. a lot of the time he would just tell me mean things and i'd tell him to fuck off, only to be talking to him a few months later.

then i realized he's only telling me the truth and i didn't want to believe it so i told him to fuck off.

he's being really nice and i really like talking to him. he even said i was pretty.

i had my first personal conversation with God two nights ago.

he was there for me

i felt like i had two true friends today. and that's the best feeling in the world.

after school i went shopping with Breanne and bought myself a pair of dark brown boots, a pair of really nice jeans, and a dark purple paisley scarf *love*

then at 4 i went to work and so did Breanne. after work i went to her house until 11 and we just watched television and talked.

she's someone i truly love. when i'm with her, it's just like.. amazing. we always have so much to talk about and it's so much fun. she has all the best qualities a friend could ask for, and she is an awesome person to consult when having important text conversations.

which brings me to Brian. today he made me so happy.
do you ever get those moments when you feel like pond scum and then the right person says the right thing at that moment??
thats what Brian did, i was ridiculously sad, and he sent me a text right before i could have had a breakdown. we talked and i told him i was lonely, he said he was too.

this morning he asked me if i was still sad. he told me he would give me a hug and that me and him are tight friends. he said he'll always be there for me and i'll always be there for him. and then he told me if i ever need to talk i can call him.

i hadn't felt so happy in a very long time.

Domenico got kicked off!!! if i was Tila, which fortunately i am not, i would have kept him until the very end.

he was so cool and literally, ridiculously cute.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
-i thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

...i completely failed to be a best friend and i ruined something that some people wish they could have.
wouldn't it be nice if we could blame every problem we have on something out of our control? i need to take control of my situations, problems, difficulties, flaws etc. so i can fix them.

i've been by myself. it's odd. i came home today totally happy, telling myself that "i don't rely on anyone, and no one relies on me."
and then it hits me. i walk into my room and he had sent me a text message asking if i wanted to talk today.
hell yes i do. i want to talk to my best friend who lives on the other side of the country because i know he'll make me feel better.

one day i'll have that. it'll happen one day and i won't ever have to feel like this again.

i wish he still lived here so we could fall in love with each other.

my horoscope said "time to stop making excuses for someone. just because you want them to be a good person doesnt mean they are." this would have been completely accurate one year ago.

i'm not sure of myself. i really never was. i'm this alien to everyone. i've created this life in my mind, this world of pre-conceived notions about everyone. i think people are who i expect them to be, when they're really not. it makes me awkward and i can't have decent conversations because i make them this big intimidating person in my world.

he intimidates me. i can barely look at him in the face when i see him.. although i wish i could stare all day long. he doesn't know what he's missing, but he will.

i used to think better of him, and on some level i still do think the same of him, but it's like there's this force field or something. i turn red and feel like i may break into hives.

i could stare at him all day

he told me he wants to meet me again. i told him he will. and he said, "i know i will, and then i'll show you how i feel about you."

Montreal is so far away when you're as little and helpless as me.

it's me.

i am watching Jumanji with my brother. it's an ok movie. before that i finished watching Babel. i'm not really sure how to interpret that movie. it seemed a little bit pointless, i definitely wasn't everything i thought it would be.
a movie i really want to see is Green Street Hooligans but i can't find it anywhere. it's upsetting. i really hate that. there's a bunch of movies i would love to see, and once i get to the movie store, i can't seem to think of any of them. and the one movie i remember every single time, they never have.

me, my brother and Jocelyn rented Babel Thursday night. she bought me a lollipop. i still haven't finished it. i like to consider it a working progress.

i also started reading this book that my mom just finished reading. it's called "Eat, Pray, Love." about a woman who moves to Italy for four months to eat, then moves to India for four months to meditate, and then to Indonesia for four months where she meets her new husband. i forgot to mention that this travelling all takes place after her divorce, and it's all a true story. i really like it so far. i recommend it to you, whoever is reading this.

my mom says the only way i'll be comfortable with speaking Italian is if she sends me there by myself for 3 months. i've been there 7 times before, and i know how to speak it, but i never speak it. i get shy and i hate messing up so i don't really like speaking it. i would totally go to Italy by myself for 3 months under these conditions: 1) i had someone direct me through airports because they're intimidating and i'd get lost in Frankfurt for SURE, 2) i didn't visit family the whole time.

by the second condition, i mean i would want to go all over Italy, and not just stay in my mom's town where my family and friends are. that's when i tend to bottle up and not show my personality. i'm just afraid my family won't understand who i am if i attempted to show my personality more than i already do.

plus, when i'm in Italy i always wish i could meet people and flirt, you know, but my friends in Tuenno are all so tightly knit and everyone knows everyone so if i even attempted to get close with one of the guys, the whole town may find out by the next morning.

on another note, i had my graduation photos yesterday. it started with me really not wanting to go, i showed up with a nice shirt and then i had sweatpants tucked into my soccer socks on the bottom. i refused to take full body shots. the make up artist sat me down and powered my face. and all the while i was thinking about the particles of oil and grease and skin cells of the previous person nesting into my own skin.

but once it came down to it, i was sitting in front of the camera with all lights on me and she gave me a mirror and i couldn't believe how awesome i looked. my last picture i had the hat on and she passed me a mirror to see me with the hat and i half-gawked at my reflection. i looked really good, and i looked like a graduate. neither of those realizations i couldn't bring myself to believe.

she took about twenty shots. now i just need to graduate.