i just wanna be a rockstar.

i seriously wouldn't though because then when i was all by myself

i would definitely feel how by myself i am.

ah i hate the direction i keep taking but the only time i really need to say things are when they're negative.

last night with Joe was weird. it was grade eleven all over again, but much sweeter, he was much sweeter

i just can't take it. for once, i was not feeling it. there is something about him that i can't resist but once i can have it, i don't really want it.

he's sort of a dead end guy, the kind of guy you date in high school to be rebellious and now i'm just really wanting a guy i can learn things from.  Joe will always be my friend who i have sexual tension with, that is better left untouched.. but i need someone who is on the same page as me. 

i can't do this with Joe, and on some level i know he doesn't want to with me either, it's just something he does.. with girls. 

ahhh i'm confused, 

i know he would never want to be my boyfriend, and i can't see him being that for me

and i don't want a boyfriend right now

and despite what redhead Olivia says about 

"just do him and get good drugs out of it"

i can't.

Joe is someone i'd like to keep as a friend and i think it's gotten to the point where 

no matter how good looking and built he is 

i can't do those things with him.

on another note,

i'm not really sure,

i never know what music to listen to

i've had 5 nosebleeds between yesterday and today, due to things i won't be doing ever again,

i just wish i was in redhead Olivia's room with the usual herb and laughs

she makes me really laugh.

yeah, i didn't go to New City last night. 

i picked up Joe and he drove my car to get some pot and we smoked some and eventually i dropped him off and headed over to Olivia's where we did a replay of Friday night.  it was really fun. 

i just keep waiting for my next insane moment, as i move from one to the next.

television is seriously making me depressed. tomorrow i'm going to drink tea and finish my essay. 

i can only rely on the company of my kitties, and the sun rising in the morning

and i don't want to rely on anything else

I WISH DANIEL WAS HERE