i don't know what it is about that 

mess of emotions 

tear me apart television show. it makes me feel depressed, not depressed

but it's like this pulling feeling in my gut 

anxious, longing

and i'm not sure why

i'm not sure if it's good for me.

probably not. it makes me feel so much. 

maybe it's because i know the music so well.

i need to read art history. maybe make some tea.

dim the lights 

engage my brain in reality and things that actually happened.

oh Botticelli, Masaccio, Giovanni Bellini and Gentile Bellini.

Brunelleschi and DaVinci

it is most definitely the music. i just need some pump up music. i'm thinking

_ on Friday

New City on Sunday

this Aqualung music..

sometimes i want walls of speakers. so that there is virtually no atmosphere to get in the way of the music. i want the sounds to be so thick and dense that my feet can't even touch the ground.  that i am most definitely living within the music. 

sometimes the last thing you want comes in first

sometimes the first thing you want never comes and i know

the waiting is all you can do.

i'm tired of feeling this way

it happens everyday on the train, i can't pass a platform without staring at the people

wondering if i'll see your face. i anticipate what i would feel if i were to see your face, bump into you on campus, 

i think a lot. 

i think about you and then i think about Daniel. and how sad it makes me that he isn't here.

school is a band-aid

i have so many pieces missing from this bridge that supports me. i want to go crazy

do crazy things

dance all night

smoke my brains to bits 

for this i am sorry

very sorry

i want to see people in the flesh. 

when Ryan left to go back to Chino, he went to Seth's room to say goodbye and Seth was listening to his headphones. he didn't budge when Ryan said see ya

and he was resentful

and it made me feel so bad

because i was that. i am that. that is exactly how i deal with people leaving. it was exactly how i reacted the night before Daniel left. 

for this i am sorry

very sorry

some nights i just feel it all. i get through it, of course. it's just sad for a few hours or until i fall asleep..

i don't want to be an only child. i don't want to be spoiled like an only child, i just want to see my brother everyday and tell him what's going on

i feel so stupid when i constantly leave him skype messages asking if he's there and hardly ever getting a response. i couldn't read his Christmas card. i opened it, looked at it and closed it immediately. i didn't want my parents to think i didn't care because i did

i just know everything makes me cry and i didnt want to, then.

why do i feel like i'm grasping at strings attached to people who don't exist to me right now

like Pablo who i wish would talk to me and think about me more

he hasn't called in awhile and i know i haven't either but he knows how much

i love him. and i know how much he doesn't like saying he loves me too.

i remember when i was small and we would be at my aunt's house late and i'd start complaining and crying and my parents would say,

it's because she's tired.

maybe i'm still small and need to be carried when upset

and exhausted. 

i'm exhausted. i am exhausted

and for this i am sorry

very sorry