i just finished watching Center Stage. 

i think i've been having performance withdrawal lately.. with all this going out to clubs. i miss that "having to go pee" feeling before going on stage in front of people. and the good luck rituals

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zap!

i texted Leigha i was feeling sad after watching Center Stage. you know, sometimes i don't even consider myself a dancer. it seems like something i didn't even do. and i think i feel that way because i found a replacement. i became interested in different things that i thought were more interesting. 

i wish i could remember steps and their names, i'm sure it would all come back if i tried. it's only been 2 years. it feels like forever. i wasn't one of the top dancers or anything, but i really enjoyed it when i got it.

i'm too curvy and not flexible enough to be a dancer and pointe shoes kicked my ass week after week but it felt so good to tie those shiny ribbons and i even had some pride in those blisters. and i felt so confident when i was finally able to master a certain tap step that seemed completely impossible. most of the time i couldn't believe one pair of feet could create such awesome music and rhythm and Miss Debbie scared me to death but she pushed us like crazy and she is a brilliant choreographer and teacher. 

i showed Hannah some pictures from when i was in dance and she said 

"it used to be the dance studio, now it's the art studio"

i wanna dance again, and not just in clubs

i miss complaining about it all.

i feel so useless sometimes. i need to set myself physical goals. i feel so unhealthy. why can't this drug do the opposite. why can't i just stop using it. 

ha

it's my lifestyle and maybe this feeling of having had something special but no longer having it will happen again

i am forever changing, i was once a ballerina tap dancer teenybopper who couldn't cut her hair because then it wouldn't fit in a bun.

i am an visual artist and i can't get enough of it

some people may say i'm close minded or cynical but i move in my own way

and i am a cynic i can be negative and i am beyond lazy

i want to be that artist that is arrogant and cynical and maybe doesn't wanna check out 

absolutely everything because i don't feel like it

new things for me take time. i don't look up the music you tell me to look up because it wouldn't make sense to me, 

i don't like a lot of things i experience for the first time. i hated Coldplay and Oasis.

i now love Coldplay and Oasis. perhaps i know what to expect

it could be it. 

what i can expect for always,

is that i will never ever ever ever stop expressing myself no matter the medium, whether it be my body, photographs, film, writing, or charcoal

i can count on that and so can you