just sitting here downloading some songs that i have been meaning to download for some long while... fugees.. the roots.... tony bennett.. Once soundtrack...

hmmm
i think it's probably one of the most frustrating things when you want to download songs and they just won't download.

right now i have a big cloud of anxiety floating above my head simply because i have a mental script of what i have to tell him on the phone tonight.

i am going to be straight-forward with him because he probably thinks i'm just an 18-year-old he can just brush off.

well that is most definitely not the case! i am completely serious about this situation and i am going to tell him that if he wants to be friends, he's going to have to make a conscious effort to do so. and if he's just saying that to be friendly, he can spare me, because i've heard it all before and i just want to know the truth and if it means he doesn't even want to be friends, so be it.

i hate having to wait around for my feelings. i hate having to put them on hold until we have a chance to "talk" or "discuss" because i either want to continue something, or let it go. and having to wait and wait with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn't help me get unattached to you.

BAH guys can be ridiculous sometimes. he told me that he might be going to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend. i asked if they were dating again. he said no and that its complicated.

and then i got angry. i mean, if you truly love somebody, things don't have to be complicated! i told him straight up that his situation doesn't have to be complicated. it's not like anyone's dying here! unless she's confused about her sexuality or something. but i highly doubt she's a bisexual or lesbian.

and even if it means me and him aren't together, i'd rather have him be with someone he loves. but for fuck sakes, stop making things more complicated than necessary! long distances shouldn't matter when it comes to love. actually, nothing matters when it comes to love.

and i just need to tell him that. and make him decide.

now that i have that off my chest (well not completely until i actually tell him this), i can enjoy this music. i just need to jot down important points on a piece of paper before going on the phone.

on another note, i have a soulmate. his name is Pablo. and he is my best friend.

as for my legality, i will be putting it into use very soon because for a couple years now i have been saying that i won't get tattooed because i change my mind so much and i would get tired of it fast.
but i have found the perfect tattoo for this syndrome! it's a brushstroke circle. the zen symbol for infinite. representing the perfect meditative state and enlightenment. i even told my brother about it. i can't wait. but i am still unsure when i am planning on getting it done...

and it's totally me!