oh it's so bloody hot out.

it makes me more lazy than usual. i tried watching Fear and Loathing for the second time today and fell asleep 3 quarters in. i can't seem to finish that movie. i'm not sure what it is.

i feel constantly tired and i don't want to do anything. i still have to pull my suitcase out and begin to pack. i have so much to do but i feel like i'll be packing an hour before i have to leave. it's horrible. i'm horrible. i am feeling very reluctant to do anything. like i could lay and swing on our new swing bench thing all day long. i think i may lay out there tonight for a few hours.
my mom is way stressed out because the only things that come out of her mouth are complaints about me. everything i seem to be doing is wrong and i'm a slob and i haven't gone to the gym in 2 months. i'm seriously contemplating hiding in a ditch when it's time to leave tomorrow.

one thing that pisses me off the most about my mother is her melodramatic attitude, like how she talks about her unsatisfying life and how no one gives a shit about her.. or like the time we went out for dinner for my 18th birthday and it was straight from a movie, the way she refused to speak because no one cares about what she has to say and how she made the whole dinner awkward because it was obvious to everyone the way she was holding back tears. i can't stand when she cries. another thing, is how she talks about how a good girl i was when i was young, and how my parents knew i'd be such a success, and how i was so energetic. whenever she talks like that, i am completely lost as to what childhood she is talking about because as far as i know, i have been a spoiled brat with no compassion for everyone ever since i could open my mouth and speak. so i end up sitting there with my jaw open, trying to recall this time where i was such an "angel". ughfuidgbifubguiergbihge

i will go insane.
i am to the point where whenever she criticizes me, i can't help but laugh. i just find it hilarious now, and i don't even know why. i am more than 100% sure that my lack of confidence in anything, whether it's driving or even socially interacting with people, is the result of the way my mother treats me.

it's a sad realization and Breanne has pointed it out more than once that my mom has an unbelievable amount of control over my life. it is because of her that i turn down social outings and events and i've become such a homebody/hermit. it is her who i think of first when someone asks me to hang out, or to go somewhere, or to do something, because i know that i'm scared to death to ask my mom permission to do anything. i remember two years ago i went out a few nights in a row during spring break to movies, or restaurants or friends, and she picked me up one day and called me a night slut.

fuck i didn't even expect to write this much about it and now i feel like chucking this laptop against the wall in frustration, anger and resentment to the way the most important years of my life have been affected by my mother. it's something that's irreversible and that bothers me

so much.