you're ok you're ok you're ok


this tidal wave of unwanted water is always in my mind. fearful that it might drown me. i watched The Hills without Daniel tonight. a week ago, we watched it together. a week ago his presence was in this house.

and you. you weren't affected at all.
i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok

i am a fool fueled by feelings and i wish it weren't so.
i asked "did you care about me?" wanting an answer to the question i asked myself years ago..
Joe said "of course i do"

maybe all it takes is to be perfectly real with a person. to stare them in the eyes and say, "fuck the small talk, i didn't come here to have small talk with you.."
there's tons of people i want to re-unite with and the pile is getting larger and it seems worthless most of the time, i don't like people.

but they are humans just like me who feel and bleed just like me so i don't care about the small talk. i want to know them, and i want them to know me, whoever they are.

i said to Joe, "you do right now?" and he said, "when did i ever say i don't??"

i say, "when did you ever say you did."

it's hard to believe i've known him for years. when i think about him i am mostly surprised at how i stumbled upon him as a friend and later a lover (but not really a lover), and then how things just sort of fell apart, but i never hesitated to talk to him, and although his reputation made me vulnerable, i never felt the way i felt around Conor. the way i felt around Conor (i feel weird using his name) was scary. i felt always scared, sometimes he'd look at me and his eyes would be big and i felt so little, or like something was wrong, i remember having this wave of worry.

i like to think i felt safe, but on some level i knew i really wasn't.

i was in my pyjamas and in my house the entire weekend and it made me think, "right now who would i call to hang out"
a) Breanne and b) Calvin
lately i've been feeling like i can go to Breanna again, which is a super good feeling because i really miss the friendship we had. but it made me think, i'm not a people person to begin with, and my list of "safe people", as i'll call it here (people i'm comfortable with) seem to be dwindling away. Heather's gone, Daniel's gone, and i would say Conor as well but i'm still pondering whether that was comfort or not.

i figure, all the people i was once comfortable with should be re-visited. there are so many people i could re-kindle things with.

i know this is dragging on but i can't help but want to figure people out and as much as i want to leave people behind, i've fucked things up more than once in the past and screwed things up so bad and at the time i didn't feel an ounce of guilt but now i realize how much i need those human relationships. i depend on people and it's healthy if the connection is healthy.

Leigha, i fucked things up with her because i was so insecure about myself i couldn't handle always being around someone who got so much attention. sometimes i can't believe how lucky i was to have a best friend like her and i gave it up for selfish reasons.
Nicole, i don't even know what happened there but i liked her presence and the fact that i didn't have to be someone else to be accepted. i don't even remember what i did that fucked things up and that's a sad realization... something was ruined because of something i don't remember.
Alison, Ali and the girls from junior high, i stopped talking to them because i decided one day they weren't worth the extra effort during high school. they saved me from the torments of junior high.
Joe, sometimes i find it so easy to forget about him because i always have it decided that he is a dead-end. i can't believe i not only hooked up with, but also maintained a friendship with the school's bad-ass. he surprised me a lot with his experiences and aspirations and he never once made me feel abandoned, no matter what he did.

the only things that have been keeping me sane in these past few days, are french films, school, and the fact that Baby and Boots sleep in my bed with me every night.
i think cats can sense when they are needed most and they mean the world to me