it's my birthday 

and i just finished half of a small painting exercise. one of three

i am listening to Mazzy Star for the first time in awhile and i can't help but feel younger and weirder than i am

people have been asking me if i'm scared

blonde Olivia said she's scared turning 18, feeling like her childhood and school years

are so far away and there's nothing anyone can do to make them better

i don't really think about that

or maybe there hasn't been time to think of it. today i told Hai that he still has about 50 years left to live. 

when i said 50 years i realized it is 50 years and not 60 or 70 or 100 years. if almost 20 years of my life have gone by this fast then the next 20 will too and then i'll be 40.

i'd rather not think about it. this night won't end and that's all that matters.

i was really glad Breanne showed up yesterday. when she left i hugged her and hung on 

burning bridges seems to be my recent past-time

but unlike our last meeting went, things felt familiar and safe with her

she may have told me she missed me when we were hugging but i couldn't hear anything

i want to say something, text her, anything.. but i feel like maybe she feels it's done and over and maybe she doesn't have time

i napped for 5 hours today after i took my kitties to the vet. 

i'm not sure what else to say

Pablo sent me a text that said "Happy birthday love" it made me really happy 

Conor sent me a text that said "Happy birthday" and then he said he meant it. perhaps i shouldn't care

i'm nineteen years old today at 8:59 pm,

cheers!