i talked to Fernando Pisani yesterday, of course i didn't know it was him until Mitch told me it was later on. this was our conversation:

C: Hi, welcome to Second Cup what can we get for you?
FP: Hi, do you have any banana nut muffins left?
C: Give me a second, i'll go check.
...
C: we don't right now, sorry.
FP: do you have walnut muffins?
C: we have morning glory muffins, which have pieces of walnut on top
FP: does it have other nuts?
C: ya it does
FP: ok, i'll take two of those, and a small hot chocolate
C: did you want whip cream on that?
FP: no thanks
C: ok see you at the window.


OMG I KNOW

today is Halloween. and i am sitting here watching America's Next Top Model and doing sit ups during commercials.

i don't know if it's my exercise routines, or that i'm giving my friend (and also, myself, in a way) love life advice almost everyday, but i've become very at ease with things. i am totally believing my own words when i say them, and nothing could make me happier.

sometimes i feel so beyond high school, so beyond the things that happen around me that...

oh fuck, now there's a commercial. and now i've lost my train of thought.


on another note, i took a quiz on Facebook and i am the epic hero of King Kong. i think it's all the love based answers i gave. it's true. i think about it a lot. i just really wish i had someone around that i genuinely liked and cared about in that sort of way.

maybe it's too much to ask at this point in time. or maybe it's just the way God is intending it to be, so i can focus on more important things, like finishing my children's book. WHICH, is going really really good.

i'm calling Pablo on Friday. goodnight

i worked tonight. didn't feel much like work than it was "chill out with your friends" time. lots of people stopped by and i probably spent a little too much time talking to them rather than actually working. it's ok, though. i am on the rise to becoming an honour student once again, my children's book is set, and my social life is flourishing despite my one month grounding.

of course, there's always room for improvement. as me and my brother discussed today in the car, people who think creatively like us and designers, are never satisfied with what we do. i told him more about my blog, he was aware i had one, but i went into more detail this time. i told him how my old blog is absolutely embarrassing to read, as it reflects just how much of a 15 year old i really was, and he said he feels the same way about looking at his past projects in University and that it's amazing that i am aware of my "evolving" as a person. he said it's really cool that i am able to write in my blog like this, and be constantly documenting my growth and maturity and also being aware of it.

it made my heart smile =)

on another note, we just watched a movie called "Blow" with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. was a pretty intense movie. it's a crazy thought, when people actually live through things like what George Jung lived through.

anyways, my fortune cookie is telling me to not get carried away, so i'll finish this here.

i saw Across The Universe last night and even though i'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, i absolutely loved it. i fell in love with it right away. well, with Jim Sturgess, anyways....

i got my paycheck today. was in the 300's, so i was pretty happy, considering i spent a little over half of that on a haircut and dye last week. i've come to realize that i'm not sure i like my hair long as much as i thought i would. Heather told me my face has structure, so it looks good with short hair. and the way Amy G (my hairdresser) cut it made me want to just chop it. but i've agreed that i won't cut my hair short until i lose weight and/or graduation is done.

i downloaded some new soundtracks: Pan's Labryinth and Amelie. they are really really good. i would recommend them to anyone who actually appreciates music, and doesn't listen to shit =)

here's the update on my children's book: i've drawn out some various characters, i think i've narrowed it down to one character, and i'm basing the story on Grace Kelly by Mika. SWEET HEY?

it's gonna be a cute one

i fucking hate it when people say woot woot

i'm feeling really anxious again.

my brother is in the basement, my parents are gone. i feel like the only person in the world for a few minutes. that's when i feel the most anxiety. i don't know what it is. my stomach tightens, like it's being tied in a knot, and i want so badly to be in the middle of the city. or to be with the love of my life, whoever that may be. it makes me want to be in a car with the window open, with my favorite music playing, and even if the wind is cold against my skin, i couldn't care less.

i feel anxious when i seem to be forgotten. when i want to create something spectacular. when i can't seem to pick the right song. or when i picture the love of my life, whoever that may be, doing whatever they may be doing at this precise moment.

it's when i pick the perfect song, and it makes me want to yell out the lyrics, but i bask by myself in the lonely lamp light that fills my room.

it's when i see the pictures from Italy beside my keyboard and want to be there right now. so much it hurts along with everything else i may be feeling.

sometimes at night if my window is open and i can hear dogs outside, i close my eyes tight and think about the noises i hear in Italy. the dog in the alley. i make it so realistic. i make myself excited for the adventures to take place the next day, the ones that will vanish once i sit up in bed and realize i'm still at home.

i get anxious when i want to watch a million different movies at the same time. i can't decide which movie will be perfect, and once i pick the perfect one, i quickly realize it's not how perfect the movie is, it's how perfect the person next to you is.

anxiety is when i can relate perfectly to the lyrics of that song. i get anxious when i'm cold, when my hands are so cold i can barely write. or when i'm so warm and cozy, wishing i was being embraced with someone else's body heat and not my own.

it's the feeling i get when i think about reality. thinking about the next ten years of my life, and when those ten years are finished, i will be expected to have a husband. or have a degree and a steady career, my own place with a fireplace and kitchen. possibly expecting a child, who knows?
i could be living in Europe, or New Zealand. or i could be renting out my old house in Beverly, wishing i was still as tall as that old piece of tape on the wall.

the thing is, .. well i'm not really sure what the thing is. it's hard to choose my words when i can't even choose my feelings.

i think i have to focus on a time when i was truly happy. truly at ease. but even this is hard because happy memories can be depressing.

i think the times when i'm happy without any strings attached is when i sing the lyrics to all my favorite songs, while my attention is diverted to something my hands are doing.. like drawing or writing or doodling or even doing homework.

or maybe this Enrique Iglesias music is getting to me

only a matter of time before moving on makes a full circle and leaves you back at the beginning.

i'm pretty sure, at this point in time, that in order to evolve in a positive direction, one must swallow their pride. apologies were due, and i sincerely meant them.

so like yuh

for my first portfolio project, i'm going to design and write a children's book.

i am so excited.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

i've been looking into ACAD (alberta college of art and design) for next year. i looked at all their first year courses and such. i'm so used to seeing all these things as options. it's gonna be so weird.

part of me wants to go to Calgary, to get out of here and start fresh somewhere else, be on my own, meet new people and such. but it's so scary. i have no idea what i'm going to do.

story of my life

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Comet tales
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
The numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, when I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

i haven't written in a while. not a lot to talk about, and i'm really sick and not in the mood for paragraphs and nicely formed sentences.

- on Monday my brother picked me up from school and we went downtown to the art gallery. and i saw REAL ANDY WARHOL ARTWORK. and i was introduced to new artists, one that i really liked was Patrick Caulfield. check him out when you have time.. and interest.
- i wrote a math chapter exam that i got 80% on YEAHH
- i work everyday this weekend and i feel so shitty so it's even more shitty.
- this girl who lives in New York messaged me on facebook. she told me i looked like Edie Sedgwick, and she's also a huge fan of Andy Warhol. whats even better? she works for Christian Dior and she's a make-up artist, who knows, she might be able to pull me some strings in the future.
- talked to the daughter of an assistant teacher i had in grade three. she had her baby girl this summer. and she's my age. i think it's incredible. and her boyfriend is there for her and everything.. i can't believe there's people my age actually going through that kind of thing
- it's Heather's birthday dinner this Sunday at our place. i'm kind of excited. and she's gonna give me a whole bunch of her old clothes which i am also excited for.
- i finally bought Alfie, which i looked for in every location that sells DVDs.
- i finished driver's training on Tuesday, now i just have to wait for December. i'm a pretty decent driver too, i drive everywhere =)

today was a really good day.

i wrote my math test, which i think i did reasonably well on. after school, i was actually able to finish all my homework during my spare, leaving me with no homework this weekend. at 1:30 i had driver's training which went pretty good as well. went home, took a bath and at 6:00 i went to northgate to meet up with Kari and Selena. from there we went to the west end where Etheriel was playing. i love going to their shows because it's just so sweet watching Keith on the drums.. he's actually amazing.

i met Hailey, Aislin's friend and Kelton's ex, she's a hoot. for real, she's really sweet, i wanna hang out with her more. then i met up with Jon, who i haven't seen in forever. he shared his two J's with us on the boats across the street. we reminisced about all our sweet times in grade nine when he sat behind me in homeroom. i also met Aislin's long time boyfriend, Shawn, who is also pretty cool.

Hailey gave me some booze and we smoked my 3 Ukrainian cigarettes that Sasha gave me. i don't think it mixed well with Kari thought, because she ended up throwing up in a bush outside.
it was a good night. something that i needed for a long time now.

i like to think i'm paying my dues.

once this year is done, i'll be having the time of my life.

the butterflies died. fortunately ?

i started a new journal today. i just had to.

today was really messed up.

this morning i was in a huge rush. i almost missed my bus and then i realized i left my wallet at work last night so i had to actually pay to get on the bus.

after school i had plans to get lunch with Andre so we got Taco Time with Amanda Kari and Selena. and then Kari and Selena had class, so me Andre and Amanda waited for what seemed like eternity for the bus. we got on the bus and got to northgate at 1. Andre and Amanda left me by myself to wait for the bus for 30 minutes. i went to namao a few bus stops early, leaving me to walk a while to get to my work. i picked up my wallet and walked to Breanne's. i got there about 1:50. i left her house at 2:30 and got to O'leary at 3:10 and then i waited until 3:30 for driver's training.

driving pissed me off today. when i'm with an instructor it seems everything is so much harder. because he nags me for everything and he keeps fucking talking and talking and it takes my attention away from what i'm doing. it's just kinda stressful sometimes. and today my biggest problem was keeping the speed limit. i just couldn't stay on fucking 50. IT'S SO FUCKING SLOW. and i did about 10 traffic circles. like holllllly shit.


goodnight.
and i felt butterflies today.

it could be a terrible thing. or a good thing. terrible, most likely.

an older guy came into my work today. had a french accent, still not sure whether it was real or fake. he asked my name and tipped me a dollar.

and i made him a cafe latte. he said i was beautiful

lol

i worked 12-8 yesterday, it was a really good shift, it went by reasonably fast, worked with people i like, and Peter even came in for awhile, even though his last day was on Tuesday.

i have another favorite customer. he is attractive, of course, he drives a really nice car, and he's studying business at the U of A. so i have three now: 1) the drug dealer guy, 2) the Jahova's witness guy, and 3) the business student.

i asked the name of the drug dealer guy today, i'm not sure how it's spelt, but it's pronounced Tagious, like the last two syllables of contagious. he's totally rich, he tipped us like 5 bucks yesterday, and he bought 3 drinks last night.

and the Jahova's witness guy started a conversation with me too. i told my mom he might like me and she said "oh my God".

so anyways, after work i met Breanne on the other side of 167th and we went to her house and watched Celebrity gossip television shows and talked about them and Beverly Hills 90210. we talked about rich man sports being tennis, golf, and when we flipped to a channel with Equestrian, we simultaneously added that one to our list. and then we laughed about it for about 5 minutes.

my mom picked me up at 11, and i went home and watched BH 90210.

today was weird. the original plan was to go to Matt's house after school, but i bailed due to my level of tired-ness, the shitty weather outside, and the fact that i didn't want to stay at school during my spare last block. so i took the bus to Belvedere, thinking i would be going home.

instead, i saw Levi on the bus, who i haven't seen in like half a year, and i met up with Carolina. she was going to city center to buy her boyfriend's birthday present. realizing no one was home, i decided to go to City Center with Carolina. we picked up her boyfriend's cologne and earrings. and coincidentally, we ran into him and his friend. we ate some lunch and took the train back to Clareview at 2:00.

and then i drove home from there =)

i work at 5. UGHHHHG

today was a good day. the first day of school was pretty horrible. i felt really shitty. but today went really well. at lunch i ran into Amanda and Matt and i went for a ride with them, Andre tagged along. we just went around with nowhere in mind, those drives are really the best. with awesome people, mediocre "death rap" music, any drive is bound to be good.

spare last block, i hung around and did nothing while i waited for 3:30 to roll around. driver's training. driving is so much fun. i even got to drive in the rain, and i went on major roads and such. really nice. 3 more sessions to go.

tomorrow i finish school at 1, i work at 5 so i'm gonna hang out with Amanda 'til then. should be fun. we have some fun things planned soon

i had another dream last night. it gets so frustrating, like you don't even know.

that month and a half wasn't worth this year and a half of heartache. if i had the option of keeping those memories, or erasing them like they didn't happen, i would erase them hands down, no questions asked.

two different emotions found on opposite sides of the spectrum, sometimes i'm not sure which side is worse

=(

i have to trust that something will come along. something better. it has to. right? that soulmate, future husband, high school sweetheart.. if it doesn't, i'm not sure how much more of this i can take.

and i'm not desperate for it out of lonliness, i'm desperate for it because i need to know that there wasn't only him, that it is possible to be just as happy and even happier with someone who isn't him

like a mat. i walk into work to work even when i wasn't scheduled to. gives me some kind of sense of accomplishment. at least now i have two people to go to when there's an emergency and i can't work.
'
i haven't even explained my brother's arrival yet. or have i? i'm no longer sure. it was like he never left. and these past few days it's like i learned to laugh again. just some things he does, it gets to me like nothing else. his little quirks and thoughts and words. sometimes it's too much. and i haven't been used to it for the past 2 and a half months.

i ripped out useless agenda pages and i covered the front and back in black tape. there's just something about cutting, taping, putting together, decorating, that put me at some unknown ease. even when i was little. just give me something to cut, something to paste, something to color.. i think i might try drawing.

my brother bought me this book in Milan, Andy Warhol's designs from the 1950s. his sketches are so awful that they're good. my brother told me: see Christine? you don't have to be an incredible drawer to be successful. all you need is creativity.

it's worth a try. he also got me these really nice scarves from a market in Madrid. my grandparents sent me money, Daniel also got me this handmade silver bracelet made by a woman in Croatia.

so i'm starting to accept the fact that this summer absolutely sucked. i guess it's what happens when you grow up and get a job. i guess it's not too bad. i can barely complain.

it hasn't really occurred to me until now, that Andy Warhol is dead. that a genius is no longer living, no longer able to share his magic with the world, and me.

it's truly depressing to think about. someone i idolize so much, cannot give me something new to learn from.

he is definitely a legend, someone who i've learned so much from, even if it was from books. it just really really sucks to finally come to terms with his death. he did some really great things, for me

ever since i was a kid, i always thought in patterns. what happened to one person, would happen to the following person. what happened one day, will happen the next.

for example, my brother must have been 12, i was 8. we went out to Dairy Queen for ice cream and he got sick later that evening. i made a mental note not to eat any Dairy Queen ice cream for the whole year i was twelve years old, because i thought if i did, what happened to my brother, would happen to me.

another example, when i was a kid, i woke up in the middle of the night and i felt sick, the next night it didn't happen, the night after, it happened again and from that night on, i had it engraved in my mind that it was something that only happened every other day. and as the whole "mind over matter" saying goes, that's exactly what ended up happening. i thought things happened in patterns, and that's how come i woke up feeling sick in the middle of every other night.

and i can't help but pick out another pattern, even though i am not a kid, and i have knowledge enough to know that life and what happens in it, is totally in your control and is a result of your own actions. my brother had a sucky high school experience, but he had an awesome awesome university experience. this makes me believe that you cannot have both experiences be positive, so because my high school experience has been quite positive thus far, my university experience is bound to be negative.

is it possible that i can take myself out of this pattern mind-set? i mean, it is possible to have positive experiences in every stage of life if that is how you see it!

i think at this point in time, i should stop writing because i've been thinking a lot today and reading a lot, and feeling different emotions. and i just can't wait until my brother comes home tomorrow. it seems like without him here for the past two months, i've been more down in the dumps than ever. he really is someone who makes me feel so much better about myself, my future, and about life in general.

sometimes i think, that in the future, i will do something totally absolutely completely insane, out of character, out of this world crazy, that it will determine the rest of my life from that moment on.

new living arrangements

i took a whole bunch of quizzes a long long time ago (ones that i never posted in this blog) and i printed the results out on a few pages.

The Aura Color Personality Quiz. Red has come to be associated with extreme emotions like passion and anger. and indeed, people with a red aura often experience love and rage more strongly than others on the aura spectrum. although they do have strong personalities, reds aren't just great balls of fire. they usually find a way to channel their feelings and express them physically. they tend to be extremely grounded in the body and prefer to work with their hands. they get a lot of satisfaction from completing tasks with tangible results-- building sets for a play, moving furniture around a room, or fixing a car, for example. as you can imagine, these down-to-earth types value action over thought or abstract ideas.

july 29, 2007 - 1 am

"a year and a half of feeling the need for closure but then thinking that something more has to happen. it weighs out in both hands and it's like a flag in the wind. it's like stalemate and spending eternity in the trenches, waiting for death or something better to come along and set a new high."

i registered today, my friends called me Cocaine Chic as a result of my bright yellow hair. i'm kind of starting to like it, it definitely gets people's attention. and it's just another odd modification i can add to my hair history. got another full locker, for the third time in my three years of high school. and it's in a pretty busy hallway, increasing my chances of seeing people, which is always good.

i taped my Johnny Bravo pictures in my locker for some artwork additions.

i told Keith about my personal comparisons to Eminem and Lisa Simpson and he has insisted he's going to call me Lisa from now on.

well ya know what, i am actually liking my yellow hair very much and i really hope it doesn't fade too much. i like this rocker crack addict chic look. and i semi-straightened my hair today and it's the length it was in grade ten.. finally!

=)

it has been almost a week since i've written. lots has happened, i'm a couple shades darker, several sit-ups stronger, a few bucks richer and i'm pretty anxious.
been all around Edmonton lately showing around another set of cousins, however these ones are more fun. Cristina is 21 and Roberta is 15. went to Fort Edmonton for the second time this summer. went to the Telus world of science (what is up with that name). was a pretty educational day and i think my brain's in gear for school. after an episode of heart disease on Oprah, solving the brain teasers at the odyssium, and a refreshment of constellations in our night sky, i can accomplish just about anything.

Kevin and Anthony also arrived today and tomorrow i'm going to Whyte Avenue. ooh yeah i bought this brilliant shirt from Quiksilver at west edmonton mall the other day.
i think i've reached total teeny bopper in this entry and i will even more after i say what i have to say next.

i think i have huge issues with dating or something. everytime i am presented with a situation where it may leave me interlocked with a guy, i get totally awkward.. well not awkward, just really really uptight. recently this guy i went to junior high with told me he wanted to take me a date. and i just sort of cringed at the idea. and i don't know why. he's pretty hot and everything, and i think it's cute that we "went out" in grade 5 and we'd be able to find ourself in the same position now. but it's like i have no idea how to react when he calls me babe or hun.. it's an oh my god moment. and not as good as i'd like it to be.

it's been way too long, i guess. i have lost all of my relationship knowledge and experience and returned to grade 3.

then again, i think i would totally go out with him if i thought better of myself. it seems for every decision i have to make, i avoid making it because of where i'm at. i have gained weight in the past year or so and no one seems to let me forget it. family friends and relatives who i don't see on a regular basis have comments on how i've changed and how they don't recognize me and how i used to be so skinny. and i sit there thinking, when was this time when i was so skinny?! i have no recollection of this time whatsoever. i absolutely hate shopping solely because it depresses me. i wear my sweatpants every day, it seems, and i am overflowing my closet with hoodies left right and center. i dress like it's winter.

there are those days that are better, of course, but i guess just like the first day on the job, i have to stick with it and suck it up, and as time progresses, things will get better.

i can't believe i'm letting this put me into a complete social prison

alright, so i got my school schedule. for grade twelve. my final year of High school. my senior year. somehow i am always blessed with an awesome schedule.

Semester one:
1,2 - Social 30 w/ Frank Filice
3,4 - Math 30 P w/ Gaborak
5, 6 - Bio 30 w/ Page

Semester two:
1,2 - English 30 AC w/ Sainchuk
3 - Cosmetology
5,6 - Chemistry 30 w/ Drew

pretty much exactly the same as last year. same courses same semesters. i'm just glad i have Cosmo in second semester, so i have an easy course where i can just go and talk to people.. it'll be an awesome senior year.

and my mom will surely 100% kick my ass if i don't get honours. i have no excuse with all my spares..

a little really does go a long way. it has been too long and it's never seemed so simple.. so easy.

i have started doing sit-ups again, and for some reason it feels so much easier than it used to be. i did 200 this morning, i just did 200 hundred and i feel like i could do 400 more. and i think i'll do just that.

my lower abs are the only problem. i thought i lost all hope until i started doing them a few days ago and my upper abs seemed to need just a stretch... they look amazing.

i think that's all the motivation i needed all along, something to let me know i can get out of the dumps. and this tan helps out, as well

cafe personalities

i have two favorite customers so far. there's this one east indian guy who always comes in, he calls Second Cup his best friend. basically, i think he's a hustler. he gives us huge tips, he's a student, has a motorcycle, always on his cell phone, and he is always in and out of that place meeting people left right and center. although this may or may not be true, he is hilarious and he always likes the drinks i recommend.. and the extra tip money isn't so bad either.

and then there's this really cute mid-twenty guy. very clean cut, has a boyish charm, adorable smile. it's hard not to make his vanilla bean latte's without so much love. he cracks some jokes, i make him laugh occassionally... he always comes in to read. and apparently he is Jahova's Witness. Jaime said all Jahova's Witness' are attractive.. that's how they lure people in. well he's definitely lured me in. i love when he comes in, even if we only talk for those few minutes and it made me so happy when he stayed right until closing tonight. soo cute.

i watched The Hills after work today, it was quite dramatic. and i can't wait to see Jason on the show, i love him!! i've always wanted him to be in Lauren's life again.. just because i think he's like, THE ONE for her. if not for her, then for me =)

and i hate Heidi. i have hated her since day one of The Hills when Lauren almost got fired because Heidi barged in on her hollywood party. grrr

i bought my very first purchases from West 49 today. a hoodie and a knapsack YAY

i was always told that people who watch a lot of television are prone to depression. i now know why.
after watching the second episode of West Beverly's Class of 1993 graduation, i realized i myself am graduating this year, and this makes me very very depressed.

i want what they have, you know? that close group of friends.. the group of friends that you know, without even asking, are going to be sharing a limo with you. i got Breanne i know that for sure.

i remember before high school even began, my friend Samantha who was a senior the year i was in grade ten. she told me a story of how she had a friend in grade ten who she met just because they sat right next to each other in class and they became like best friends. and that's what Breanne kind of is to me. i don't really talk about her a lot because we've known each other for barely a year, but i can honestly say she's my best friend at this point in time. it's true, i began high school knowing i had Leigha at my side to conquer it with me, but after a year our friendship kind of fell apart on my account. i think the trouble with us was that we were with each other since we were 3 years old, we always grew up at dance together, and after the first year of high school took a toll on us, it also took a toll on our friendship. as we started growing into the people we're supposed to be (partly influenced by high school), we, well I, realized i wasn't enjoying my time around this person as much as i used to. there's always those hundreds maybe even thousands of pictures of memories together that i will never forget, but it's like that saying, it's not the pictures that change, it's the people in the pictures that do.

i feel like i'm the only person that realized it out of the two of us. i changed and so did she, and i constantly felt it was a struggle to enjoy myself. i know i'll always have a spot there for her in my heart, but it'll never be the way it used to.

Breanne's my partner in crime, it's a totally different friendship than i've ever had. it's not like my past ones where i tended to over-analyze them.. if something she does seems sketchy, i don't really question it like i used to do. another difference i find is that we don't need to see each other all the time in order to keep our friendship in tact. i only have one other friendship that's capable of doing that, and that is with my best friend Breanna who goes to AOB, and we only really see each other a few times a year.

i am so off track.


grade ten was all about getting to know people, falling in love and getting over a horrible break-up. grade eleven was about re-establishing myself. maybe those two years is all i need to really get going

my mom said that on Montel there was this lady who got fired from her job because of her employers found her online journal and facebook.
nice hey.

what i do today will come back in the future, my mom said. maybe so. which made me think. what if this journal and all these online things will come back when i'm older and prevent me from doing what i really want to do. it's enough to consider stopping this writing madness. or go private. i've considered making this private before.. just so i could write whatever i feel. i didn't think people actually read this until i said some controversial things here and there and got angry comments and such, and it was then i realized people actually read this.

it's like those adertisements everywhere that say "caught you looking" and at the end of the day, you feel like you've been sucked into looking at every single one of those advertisements, when you really looked at a reasonable average number of advertisements, but it seems like you've been sucked into the media because they tell you that you've been "caught looking".

i don't know what relevance that had to anything.

i mean, i can't keep writing in this forever, right? sometimes i think i'll end up with 15 000 entries, and talking about my children at my ripe age of 17.

i always thought 17 was the best year ever. you're not 16, which is sometimes perceived as a sweet year, 18 you're an adult, but 17 is the coolest year to be a teenager. yes you can go to bars when you're 18, but when i was a kid i always wanted to be 17 because i thought it was pretty darn cool to be 17 years old.

though i still have 170 days to enjoy being 17, it never feels like you always imagined.

i have always been a huge fan of pop art, but never of pop in general. if it had nothing to do with Andy or Roy, i didn't really have much interest.

i'm infatuated with this new look, attitude and color of things. it's a very pop type of look. i am no longer an indie-lover, although it is enjoyable once in awhile.


i just wrote a whole paragraph trying to explain myself. and deleted it. i'm not sure i really care if i have to establish anything in this blog regarding this outlook...

it's mine and i love it

i will admit to you with a pleasant smile on my face that i am money hungry. what i do with the money i get i like to save. which is totally not like me. every pay check i get, i am very unwilling to spend on clothes.
see, i am in this rut, where i will do anything to avoid buying clothing. shopping is not fun for me, whatsoever, simply because i will put my life (and spending habits) on hold until i lose some very unnecessary weight. i am sure that if i was ten or more pounds lighter, i would be a broke frantic shopping mess.

i like saving my money as a result of steering away from shopping malls, and dreaded clothing stores... but i really miss being a broke frantic shopping mess =(

so my boss finally sent me the Second Cup Module.

i have to say, i'm really learning lots about creating "cafe moments"....

i thought you'd be interested in seeing what i've been doing in my spare time these past few days...

just click on "my photography" over there. i think you'd like it

hello hello.

my parents have always told me to not be afraid to ask questions. and i've always been the kind of person to not ask questions because i'd rather keep a low profile. at work there's some people that talk to me like i'm mentally retarded and it really gets me down. like, i ask questions because i don't wanna screw up, you know? and then they talk down to me like i'm 5. and when i don't ask questions and do it wrong they do the exact same thing.
i wasn't born with the knowledge on how to work at a coffee place OK?!?! but i can't win either way. my parents told me not to take it personally. and then there's me who just worries my socks off for almost everything. at the end of the day, i'm only a high school student trying to make some money on the side. this job is definitely not my first priority even though it feels like it sometimes. if i get fired for doing something wrong, there's always other part-time jobs out there.

gawd, i have to stop giving myself pep talks for the lamest shit

so they voted Nick off of Big Brother 8. even though his motives were questionable at times, i really liked the guy, and not only for his looks either.

for now, Amber is pissing me off because i don't think i've ever seen her not cry. and it's getting to be a little annoying, overdone, dramatic, unnecessary, etc. i don't mind Dustin, Danielle, and Jessica, but my favorite players are Eric and Dick.

i just went through some old boxes of stuff. the thing i love about myself, is that i document everything. i write down everything about everything, and i keep everything. ever since i was little.
i have these little diary books with all my user names and passwords for anything i ever signed up for on the internet. i have some usernames for yabber.net and 4 hotmail accounts, and like 4 neopet accounts, angelfire, clairol.com, etc.

i found this book where you can only write in it with gel pens, and in it i have a conversation me and my mom had. and now i think back and i remember we wrote back and forth at the soccer center. it was during one of my brother's soccer games. we were sitting upstairs.

"Jan 23/2000

Dear Christine, You're almost ten years old! I can't believe a decade has already passed from the day you were born! Soon before we know it, you'll be going to University, and then on to your own independent life! Still, you'll always be our little girl -- whether smiling, pouting, making mess or being helpful. My advice to you: work as hard as you can every day (although you are allowed to have some fun, too!) and you'll be successful. Love, Mom"

this is what i wrote back: "My advice to you, is to let me do whatever i want and give me anything my heart desires. (just joking). write something else."

"Dear Christine, If i did what you asked, it would be irresponsible from my part. Remember that in life you cannot always have whatever your heart desires! You must make choices and many times you have to give up unimportant things in order for you to achieve the "big" things, the big, important goals."

wow. i was only ten. time flies like mad

Ok so don't make fun of me. i am so bored that i logged onto Neopets... and i'm in the process of making a neopet.

it's actually rather embarrassing because i chose a green Kacheek (i'll show a picture) and it took me a while to pick the perfect pet. now i'm looking up Buddhist female names to pick for my pet. LOL

ok so i oicked the name Kiran. it means ray of light. well, actually i had to spell it Kiirann because the other spellings are all taken. i have to admit this is kind of exciting.

aww she's so cute

oh yes, i can't leave out that my login name is andywarhol90 haha

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

it's so weird. so my fortune cookie on Facebook says: "You only think it's a crisis." and the whole previous post was me talking about this shit going on which i see as a crisis. hmm

i also got my horoscope on my cell phone today, and it said: "You've been working toward a lifestyle change, but having trouble making it stick. A breakthrough this week will help you make it a permanent change."

well, it's only tuesday.

it's this compulsiveness that drives me completely mad. things that don't matter are never good enough. and the things that matter most are always enough. i wish my room was a certain way so i could totally relax. i want new furniture i want to get rid of the bookcase my dad made me when i was born. it all seems insulting to do. but i don't know what else i can do about this. it pains me to have this huge bedroom and not be able to do the things i want with it. well, i guess i am able to do whatever i want. to a certain extent, of course.

i am a jumbly mess. i have all these different ideas of what i want to do with every aspect of my life. and i end up trying to put all my preferences together to make one awesome idea, to satisfy my needs but mostly my wants.

i watched Laguna Beach season one in my room, in the dark, on my brother's laptop, on the floor. it's more than a show. it's like this lifestyle i wish i had. a tight knit group of friends, who have "The OC nights". who live in a town where everyone knows everyone else. who have these incredible aspirations of life after high school and they go after them. i'm a senior this year and i can't seem to get over it. i feel like i have to do so much before i can even think about being a senior.

for one, i don't have half the confidence i should have. and that has a lot to do with stuff that's easily fixable, but i'm just too lazy to do anything about. i always catch myself making plans and lists in my head of what i need to do this year, and i wish i didn't because it sounds the same as the plan i made going into grade 11, and grade 10, and grade 9, and junior high. things never turn out as i wish they would, and for once i want to make plans in past tense.

i want to be able to say i graduated with a tight knit group of friends. i want to be able to say i bought myself a car and it changed my life forever. i want to say i applied to outer city universities and had to move away from home and live in a new city by myself, only to find life-long friends who share the same interests with me and happier experiences than i ever expected.

i want to say i graduated with honors and made my parents proud, that i sat in the front of every class and actually knew what was going on without having to cheat.

a few days ago, i wrote this in my journal: The strategy is not to find a seat in the back where it's easy to cheat, it's to find a seat in the front, where it's easy to pay attention and hard to cheat.
It scares me because, well, I might not get by without cheating. well you know what, it's time to smarten up and have confidence in myself to do awesome.
I am not dumb, i am fully capable of being an honours student.
It's easier than you think.
--

but i hate saying that to myself. because i say the same thing every year and nothing ever gets done! i just want it to happen without me knowing.
this year, i think i'll just tell myself to take it one day at a time. a little studying here and there will make a difference in the long run. and if it goes well, my parents are happy, and if they're happy, well, i get my way.

as of now, i'm making my own money, looking towards schools in other cities, looking forward to a vehicle, and of course, my senior year.

everything else will fall into place without looking too far ahead of my nose, and it will all be a great past tense to recall.

things will turn around. i know they will. i will have the life i've always dreamed of having

i woke up at 5:45 this morning to go to work. i started work at 7. and worked with Chelsea. she's probably the coolest person at work at this point in time. she goes to Queen Elizabeth and she's going into the eleventh grade. she has medium super blonde hair with a streak of pink at the back. she wears these huge colored bracelets. and she is funny as fuck.

and just for the record, i am a very professional, very talented Barista. yup

GAWD. i hate facebook right now. it's so impersonal. i mean, i gave the guy my phone number, but all we ever do is message back and forth on facebook. it gets lame after awhile. don't you hate that, giving a guy your number, thinking they'll actually call when they find the time? i gave him my number weeks ago, i totally forgot about it though, because i'm sort of a late bloomer in the whole "why isn't he calling me?" "he said he's call me" "it's already been three days" situation. and then i remembered that i did, in fact, give him my number, but he did not give me a ring.

do you ever just sit in a room and feel overwhelmingly hot? it's this massive heat wave that comes over you that all you can do is just sit there and experience it.

i'm gonna take my sweater off.
and i really feel like re-arranging my room.

why am i so compulsive?!

Yeserday at work, me and Peter were reading the newspaper because there really wasn't much else to do. I was reading culture, which is about the only section of the paper that i read, and while reading it i stumbled upon a picture of a guy i know. he had an article written about him. he graduated from the design program at the U of A with my brother this year. it was so funny though because i was at a party at his apartment and i remember he had a really really sweet room. like, it had really cool elements to it.
and what's even funnier, is that i also got high with this guy LOL

fireball

so last night i worked 11-7. after work, Breanne picked me up and we went to K-days, or Capital Ex as they like to call it now, with Sabrina and Jamie. Amusement parks suck for me. I don't find them very fun because I always get pressured to go on rides I'm not comfortable with. Last night I humored them and gave in to going on the fireball. It was a blast.

Today I worked 5 until close. I didn't leave Second Cup until 12:50 am. It was pretty alright. Tomorrow I work 1-9 and Sunday I work 7-3.

Yet another large paycheck coming my way.

=)

detox day 3

i haven't eaten in 3 days. and i am so fed up.
like, i want to strangle myself. you really don't realize that the worst habit we have as humans is eating, and when you plan on not eating for 7-10 days you actually want to murder someone. and just because this is the first time i've ever been stubborn about a situation like this, i can't just quit. i feel like i have to prove to myself that i can.
but i'm beginning to think that maybe i can't and that i'll be miserable and lazy with low metabolism for the rest of my life.
i just fucking blew up because my mom wanted me to walk with her to the mailbox. and i told her time and time again that i don't feel like going anywhere. she keeps asking so i walk to the front door put on my shoes and i proceed in a very fast aggravated frustrated angry walk. half way down the driveway i turn around and yell at her asking why she's making me go with her when i don't feel like doing anything. especially now. when i haven't eaten in 3 days, i work at a fucking coffee place where i get to stand in front of brownies and pastries and mocca's and hot chocolate's and smoothies for 8 hours.

and then she tells me to forget about picking me up on Friday night at 3 in the morning. when i'm supposed to be going to Travis's party, and i haven't seen him or any of the other people that will be attending, in nearly one year.

plus, i just found out that this guy i talked about in an earlier entry actually fucking READS THIS and i didn't write very nice things concerning him.
like what the fuck.

no one in their right minds even reads this. i didn't think anybody ever cared about what the fuck goes on in my life everyday.

fucking fuck i want to murder someone. and pull out my freshly streaked blonde hair.
ERGEIYFGBEYIF

801st entry

=)

now 25

that makes me feel really really old. having now 1 and 2 sitting on my CD rack.

God likely enjoyed a chuckle over this one

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1.He went into His Father's business.

2 He lived at home until he was 33.

3.He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure, He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all: Proof that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men, who just didn't

get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

another positive

i deposited $1,000 into my savings account today which made me feel really really good. i now have 6,000 some in it.

=)
be jealous. very very very

day one of detox

Day one had it's ups and down. me and my mom are doing the lemon detox. it's 7-10 days and you can't eat anything. you can only drink this lemon maple syrup drink. 7-9 glasses everyday. today i kind of cheated and had a white mocca at work because i couldn't resist. but no more coffee for me. maybe i'll just have a shot of espresso every couple days for energy. because today i was so absent minded. people would tell me their orders and they'd go in one ear and out the other.
my mom picked me up from work at 8 and she said i already looked healthier. i think she was just trying to encourage me though.
i feel a whole lot better though and i will stick with it.
i just have to keep telling myself that food is not worth detoxifying myself and losing weight. people lose up to 14 pounds in 10 days when they do this lemon detox thing. i am 3 pounds lighter today just by not eating anything.

i can't wait 'til the good part comes. people feel so good by the 7th day that they go for 10 days. it clears up your skin, you feel good about yourself, you feel clean, energized, your metabolism is boosted, and you lose so much weight.

i'm excited. so so so

personal DNA

You are an Advocating Artist.

You are an Artist.

Your appreciation of beauty, ability to think abstractly, and innovativeness make you an ARTIST.

Never one to be tied to a particular way of doing things, you let your imagination guide you in discovering different possibilities.

You would rather seek out new experiences than stick to your everyday habits, taking in as much of the world as possible.

Your eye for beauty and your willingness to consider different perspectives make your creative efforts interesting—even though you may not realize this yourself.

You prefer to think about things before voicing your opinion, considering a wide, diverse range of options.

While there are forms and styles that you prefer, you tend to keep an open mind when it comes to your artistic preferences.

You are curious about things, interested in the "why" more than the “how.”

You have an active imagination that leads you express yourself in a distinct way.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You are a fashion maven, up on trends, but distinct in your own style. You don't follow trends, you set them.

Be more open to risks in your creative efforts, and don't be quick to dismiss the praise of others.

Think about how attention to detail may help you be more sure of yourself.

You are Advocating

how you relate to others.

Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.

Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.

One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.

You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.

You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.

Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.

Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.

As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.

Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort.

When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

somebody's me

Somebody wants you, somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody cant breathe, without you its lonely.
Somebody hopes that one day you will see, that somebody's me.

today

Aquarius- You should realize that many of your goals and ambitions could soon be well within your reach if you're just willing to work harder and more diligently than ever before. Just remember to look at every obstacle as one more chance to prove just how capable you really are right now.

super trouper

oh my God. it's come to the point where i want to be left alone. i never thought i could ever ignore text messages. from anyone, not even a guy.
but i did.
i don't know what it is, it's just this icky awkward feeling when he talks to me.
sometimes i can't believe how superficial i am. we get along great over the internet and we hang out that one day after work and i couldn't bear another second. it seems i base things solely on physical attraction. i don't think it's necessarily bad for a girl my age. ..and just like that, i'm totally utterly completely turned off.

i've become Breanne. she used to say she is unable to like anyone, or have crushes. i'm like that.


will i be lonely forever? i ask myself. i watched Beverly Hills 90210 today and Donna caught David cheating. he was having sex with Ariel. when he knows Donna always wanted to save herself for marriage. isn't that a dick thing to do? if i were Donna i'd feel like a loser. and then she told Brenda she doesn't want to be lonely. she was thinking of giving up her morals so she wouldn't be lonely.

i may be physically lonely, but i don't feel it. a relationship just seems unreasonable to me at this point in time. i want to save that stuff for when i can handle that stuff maturely and reasonably.

it doesn't feel like it's been a year and some

georgia rule

i saw Georgia Rule with Breanne tonight. i haven't seen her in ages and it was awesome. i love her.

and then my parents picked me up and we went for ice cream.

and i miss my brother a whole lot. him and his girlfriend sent us a quick video.
http://www.by-cam.com/byCam/SvVideo.do?id=en&nv=119EGRR21
> they're at the Guggenheim museum in Bilbao, Spain.

not a risk taker

my cousin Shirley, who is in her 60s, is a personologist. she lives in Surrey, British Columbia, and she is the coolest 60-something year old i know. when i was 8, she did a full analysis of me. basically, she read my face, measured distances between my eyes, along with the difference between my fingers and she felt my head. she has done some marriage counselling and she helps people find out what they want to do for their careers and she's very good at it if i do say so myself. she told me that i have a very strong make-up. and just by looking at my face, she told me that i would enjoy doing something with art and beauty. she also said i have a healing aspect to me. meaning, i could enjoy being some sort of doctor. i gag at the thought, really. i told her i want nothing to do with sciences. she said i could be an art curator, or i could study art history. or i could do something with animals. she also said, after feeling my forehead, that i am very intuitive. she said i have a lot of confidence, and when i objected, she persisted that i did, and she said i possess a lot of confidence. she said i'm very smart, but i think that everything is too easy for me which is why i get bored of things easily and i don't always do as well as i could. she said a negative thing about me which is procrastination. she explained that my prone-ness to procrastinating is a result of my very laid-back, easy going nature. yeah, she said i'm very easy-going.. that i'm never in a rush to get things done. she looked at my hand and told me that i am not a risk taker.

i told her i am really interested in interior design.
i also met a friend of my relatives while in Vancouver. she was born in Rome, moved to Torino and she moved to Victoria 2 months ago to work and she left for California yesterday for a few months before she goes back to Torino. she speaks english very well and she's 22.

i have decided that i will go to Italy by myself before i turn 22. i am desperate to learn the language and the only way that will happen is if i go by myself and fully immerse myself into the culture.

i could be a risk taker if i really wanted to

when i was aboard the RMS Titanic

while in BC this week, i went to the museum in Victoria. there was this exhibit on the Titanic that i was majorly looking forward to since i've always been fascinated and truly in love with anything to do with the Titanic. it was really interesting and at the beginning we were all given a fake boarding pass with names of real people who boarded the RMS Titanic. what were the chances that i would get the boarding pass of Madeleine Astor, the 18 year old pregnant wife of the richest man in the United States and on the Titanic?
i was fascinated by it. here's my story:
I was sailing from Cherbourg on April 10, 1912. My passenger name is Mrs. John Jacob Astor (Madeleine Talmadge Force), aged 18 from New York, New York. i was travelling with Colonel John Jacob Astor IV (husband), Rosalie Bidois (maid), Caroline Endres (nurse), Victor Robbins (manservant), and my dog Kitty, an airedale. i was travelling in first class in cabin # C-62-64 travelling to New York, New York. The reason? The Astor's had been on an extended honeymoon in Egypt and Paris and decided to return to America when Madeleine learned that she was expecting a child. Passenger fact? The Astor's wedding created quite a stir in New York's elite social circles. At 18, Madeleine was a year younger than her husband's oldest son Vincent.

i wondered how it would be like if i lived her life. once my mom found out my passenger was pregnant, she hastily took it away but laughed it off when she gave it back. and i proudly announced to my family and relatives that my husband's picture was hanging on the wall, and that i had been mentioned in the story about him.

can Mark Wahlberg be any sexier?

The show is over close the story book
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well they're reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn't pantomime
You are more beautiful when you awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory well
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Look ahead as far as you can see
We'll live in drama but we'll die in a comedy
I know I can be colorful...