it's this compulsiveness that drives me completely mad. things that don't matter are never good enough. and the things that matter most are always enough. i wish my room was a certain way so i could totally relax. i want new furniture i want to get rid of the bookcase my dad made me when i was born. it all seems insulting to do. but i don't know what else i can do about this. it pains me to have this huge bedroom and not be able to do the things i want with it. well, i guess i am able to do whatever i want. to a certain extent, of course.

i am a jumbly mess. i have all these different ideas of what i want to do with every aspect of my life. and i end up trying to put all my preferences together to make one awesome idea, to satisfy my needs but mostly my wants.

i watched Laguna Beach season one in my room, in the dark, on my brother's laptop, on the floor. it's more than a show. it's like this lifestyle i wish i had. a tight knit group of friends, who have "The OC nights". who live in a town where everyone knows everyone else. who have these incredible aspirations of life after high school and they go after them. i'm a senior this year and i can't seem to get over it. i feel like i have to do so much before i can even think about being a senior.

for one, i don't have half the confidence i should have. and that has a lot to do with stuff that's easily fixable, but i'm just too lazy to do anything about. i always catch myself making plans and lists in my head of what i need to do this year, and i wish i didn't because it sounds the same as the plan i made going into grade 11, and grade 10, and grade 9, and junior high. things never turn out as i wish they would, and for once i want to make plans in past tense.

i want to be able to say i graduated with a tight knit group of friends. i want to be able to say i bought myself a car and it changed my life forever. i want to say i applied to outer city universities and had to move away from home and live in a new city by myself, only to find life-long friends who share the same interests with me and happier experiences than i ever expected.

i want to say i graduated with honors and made my parents proud, that i sat in the front of every class and actually knew what was going on without having to cheat.

a few days ago, i wrote this in my journal: The strategy is not to find a seat in the back where it's easy to cheat, it's to find a seat in the front, where it's easy to pay attention and hard to cheat.
It scares me because, well, I might not get by without cheating. well you know what, it's time to smarten up and have confidence in myself to do awesome.
I am not dumb, i am fully capable of being an honours student.
It's easier than you think.
--

but i hate saying that to myself. because i say the same thing every year and nothing ever gets done! i just want it to happen without me knowing.
this year, i think i'll just tell myself to take it one day at a time. a little studying here and there will make a difference in the long run. and if it goes well, my parents are happy, and if they're happy, well, i get my way.

as of now, i'm making my own money, looking towards schools in other cities, looking forward to a vehicle, and of course, my senior year.

everything else will fall into place without looking too far ahead of my nose, and it will all be a great past tense to recall.