you're ok you're ok you're ok


this tidal wave of unwanted water is always in my mind. fearful that it might drown me. i watched The Hills without Daniel tonight. a week ago, we watched it together. a week ago his presence was in this house.

and you. you weren't affected at all.
i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok

i am a fool fueled by feelings and i wish it weren't so.
i asked "did you care about me?" wanting an answer to the question i asked myself years ago..
Joe said "of course i do"

maybe all it takes is to be perfectly real with a person. to stare them in the eyes and say, "fuck the small talk, i didn't come here to have small talk with you.."
there's tons of people i want to re-unite with and the pile is getting larger and it seems worthless most of the time, i don't like people.

but they are humans just like me who feel and bleed just like me so i don't care about the small talk. i want to know them, and i want them to know me, whoever they are.

i said to Joe, "you do right now?" and he said, "when did i ever say i don't??"

i say, "when did you ever say you did."

it's hard to believe i've known him for years. when i think about him i am mostly surprised at how i stumbled upon him as a friend and later a lover (but not really a lover), and then how things just sort of fell apart, but i never hesitated to talk to him, and although his reputation made me vulnerable, i never felt the way i felt around Conor. the way i felt around Conor (i feel weird using his name) was scary. i felt always scared, sometimes he'd look at me and his eyes would be big and i felt so little, or like something was wrong, i remember having this wave of worry.

i like to think i felt safe, but on some level i knew i really wasn't.

i was in my pyjamas and in my house the entire weekend and it made me think, "right now who would i call to hang out"
a) Breanne and b) Calvin
lately i've been feeling like i can go to Breanna again, which is a super good feeling because i really miss the friendship we had. but it made me think, i'm not a people person to begin with, and my list of "safe people", as i'll call it here (people i'm comfortable with) seem to be dwindling away. Heather's gone, Daniel's gone, and i would say Conor as well but i'm still pondering whether that was comfort or not.

i figure, all the people i was once comfortable with should be re-visited. there are so many people i could re-kindle things with.

i know this is dragging on but i can't help but want to figure people out and as much as i want to leave people behind, i've fucked things up more than once in the past and screwed things up so bad and at the time i didn't feel an ounce of guilt but now i realize how much i need those human relationships. i depend on people and it's healthy if the connection is healthy.

Leigha, i fucked things up with her because i was so insecure about myself i couldn't handle always being around someone who got so much attention. sometimes i can't believe how lucky i was to have a best friend like her and i gave it up for selfish reasons.
Nicole, i don't even know what happened there but i liked her presence and the fact that i didn't have to be someone else to be accepted. i don't even remember what i did that fucked things up and that's a sad realization... something was ruined because of something i don't remember.
Alison, Ali and the girls from junior high, i stopped talking to them because i decided one day they weren't worth the extra effort during high school. they saved me from the torments of junior high.
Joe, sometimes i find it so easy to forget about him because i always have it decided that he is a dead-end. i can't believe i not only hooked up with, but also maintained a friendship with the school's bad-ass. he surprised me a lot with his experiences and aspirations and he never once made me feel abandoned, no matter what he did.

the only things that have been keeping me sane in these past few days, are french films, school, and the fact that Baby and Boots sleep in my bed with me every night.
i think cats can sense when they are needed most and they mean the world to me

today was a good day,
the first day i actually felt comfortable in art class, and i liked our projects so they went well.
philosophy was a 50 minute blur as usual
then i got my usual bagel and went to the studio, where Jim was watching a Japanese film. we sat there in silence, me with my art history notes and him with his film.
soon after, Bryan joined us and we had a conversation about collectible toys and prints and movies. then it was class time.
we got our portfolio's back, i got a B. i handed it in knowing i could have worked on stuff, but i didn't , and now i have room for improvement for final portfolio. he assigned project 5 which is two magazine layouts. it's really exciting, i can't wait to get started on it. i was thinking of doing them on Andy Warhol, Coldplay or MGMT. Matt suggested i use Coldplay and say "Coldplay in warm colors" as my sub-heading.

the entire class, Greig was having midterm interviews with all of us so we didn't get much work done. Matt, me and Amanda talked about bilingualism in Canada and the States and things related to languages and that was probably a good hour and a half of discussion.

after class i took the LRT with Hannah and we talked and laughed. i'm starting to really love my art/design class.

they are a really rad group of people.

Boots is taking over my bed with his dirty paws, and now he is attempting to lay all over the keyboard. "oh you Bootsie," i say.

he's a nuzzler, he nuzzles my back and finally lays down with his head pensive on his paws.

i watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly this afternoon, it was just as good as the book. perhaps better.

last evening, i was all by myself. my happenings were as follows..
rose from my nap the instant my parents left
feeling unsatisfied, i was driven into the refrigerator and after a sip of diet pepsi my unsatisfication was left uninterrupted.
i looked at my art history notes that i had taken earlier, and was surprised by what i could remember.

Lion Head, 30 000-26 000 BCE, made from mammoth ivory during the paleolithic, shit shit shit location location... errr, um, Oh! something-Standel, Germany. Hohlnstein-Standel, Germany.
the image before that one is
Wall Paintings of bison, rhinoceroses, and aurochs, 30 000-28 000 BCE, paint on limestone in paleolithic, Chauvet Cave, France.

enough of art history, for now. back to my last evenings regime.

i sat on my bed for awhile hearing the hum of lappytop and the grey skies wanting to breathe down my neck i pondered and felt defeated and told myself i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok.
i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok.
i went for a drive first by the rehab center and then down the back streets where the road was not paved. it was raining. apparently that drive cost me a tire because it is now flat and we have to take it in tomorrow.

back at home i was in the same mind-set as before so i got high high
and my fuzzy socks were fuzzier than ever it felt and my knee joints were marshmellows.
then i watched my several episodes of Friends and Southpark
consciously laughing louder than normal to fill the emptiness in the wide open spaces
i ate lots of food.
hours later my parents are home
i'm in my room watching Amelie and i pause it at a part and attempt to paint
what the scene makes me feel.
i went to bed late.

i woke up
watched Diving Bell...
painted some more.

took a video.

i thought you didn't have a house phone

i'm so happy my best friend is open to new experiences
i'm so happy i live in a multi-cultural country
i'm so happy Amelie finished downloading

i get the warm, fuzzy feeling that He's proud of me. i will only wish good things to other people no matter what

me and Calvin did another "episode" of University of Alberta's Next Top Model!
check out the new photographs in the "[U of A]NTM" photo album on the right :)

it seems once you're finished updating and downloading every new version of every software on your computer, it's time to update and download the newer version. it's a never-ending cycle and if i wasn't so dependent on computers, i would boycott the whole idea.

speaking of boycott, the other day while in bed, i said "boycott boys". i'm not sure if anyone does this, but sometimes when i'm laying in bed i think about things and once in awhile i actually say the word out loud.

i was with Calvin today and we ran into Dave which was awkward, everytime i think of him now, i get this icky feeling like i wouldn't mind if i never saw his face again. Olivia said she saw him and he gets better looking everytime she sees him.. to each his/her own, i guess. haha. i really shouldn't talk though, beauty is in the eye of it's beholder and that proves very very true in context with my recent situations. recent as in the past few months now.

i was waiting for Calvin to finish in the bathroom and i looked in front of me and thought i saw Joe, an ex-lover (but not really a lover) who resembles Che Guevara, i thought for sure it was Joe but he doesn't go to the university so it wasn't, but at that exact moment i got a text message from him and it said

hey

and he never texts me. EVER. i've been having odd moments such as this one quite often actually. God's picking on me, perhaps.

please download Collie Man, Wiseman, and Closer To The Sun by Slightly Stoopid. please, you will thank me.

me and my mom watched Kite Runner tonight. it's a very humbling movie.
my heart, thoughts and ego were brought straight down into the ground.
my life is golden in comparison.
my life is so fucking golden

holy crazy tattooed blondie.

i just finished watching Memento. i am still trying to figure it out. like whoa the concept is out of this world, it's so innovative and the way the movie is set up, you get confused at first but the process is repeated throughout making it easier and easier to understand how things fit,
but then shit still gets fucked up because of how people have manipulated it
and part of the whole idea is repetition curing short term memory loss.

"I'm not a killer. I'm just someone who wanted to make things right. Can't I just let myself forget what you've told me? Can't I just let myself forget what you've made me do. You think I just want another puzzle to solve? Another John G. to look for? You're John G. So you can be my John G... Will I lie to myself to be happy? In your case Teddy... yes I will."

"It's just an anonymous room. There's nothing in the drawers. But you look anyway. Nothing except the Gideon bible, which I, of course, read religiously."

"I don't even know how long she's been gone. It's like I've woken up in bed and she's not here... because she's gone to the bathroom or something. But somehow, I know she's never gonna come back to bed. If I could just... reach over and touch... her side of the bed, I would know that it was cold, but I can't. I know I can't have her back... but I don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. I lie here not knowing... how long I've been alone. So how... how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can't... feel time?"

"If we can't make memories, we can't heal."

fuck yeah, go watch this movie immediately. i have to go start making memories, perhaps i'll heal..

i picked up my year book a few days ago and there's a picture of me in cosmetology sitting in the chair with my green jesus sweater and drinking tea.

classic Christine, i guess, captured and stored in her senior yearbook...

hello you.

i woke up this morning, a rainbow filled the sky.
no it didn't, really, i just like the lyrics to this song.

Daniel is currently residing in Holland and i'm ok with it for now.
i have 100 dollars. well maybe 105 dollars but whats the difference.

i bought pears on my way home from school today for art class.
i have to sketch 3 pears. things really do seem better when your own money goes into them.
i've never tasted a better tasting pear.

i wrote a story today on scraps left from my sketchbook.
my design prof, Greig, brought an old microwave into the studio for us to use, we were grateful.
a weight was lifted off my shoulders today, i was grateful.
my brother's plane took off at 2 pm today, i was accepting.
i drank apple tea and sat at the drafting table, looked to Amanda and said,
"was it the chinese who invented tea?"
"i'm not sure"
"... i dunno, i was just thinking"
"oh, i thought you were asking for an assignment, i don't want to give you wrong facts"
"yeah, no, i was just thinking. i think it was the chinese.."

and then i say, "well thank God for tea."

silence befell us, and 30 seconds later i say,
"you know, tea is like cigarettes for me, although i do smoke occassionally, it's like when something goes wrong, tea seems to make everything better"
"i know what you mean. i think i might have tea when i get home.. i'm excited just thinking about it"

in art, i handed in my portfolio and sketchbook, after i added a few more gesture drawings of the bustling students in my class.

i skipped philosophy because i didn't feel like leaving the cocoon that the studio has become for me.

in design, he told us we had a work period for our portfolio's. since mine and a few others were done, we signed them in and left. he didn't even introduce project 5, what a relief, because in art she gave us homework to go buy 3 pears and sketch them.

i've downloaded Skype, finally. and Andy Warhol's film named "Kiss" has finished downloading and it's everything i expected it to be. 54 minutes of random couples kissing.

Daniel's in the sky

when people leave all i feel is anger anger anger
and then i lock myself in my room and cry into my pillow

i voted today woohoo

i am in the process of downloading The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and Andy Warhol's film called "Kiss". i wanna download real avant-garde films and watch them over and over.

i got the movie Memento from Daniel's computer, and i can't wait to watch that.

i can't get enough of moving pictures. and my car. i feel so at ease when i'm sitting in my car with the doors locked... it's like nothing can touch me and i am in perfect harmony.

i just watched Helvetica with my brother. it's a documentary on the typeface called Helvetica, which i'm sure most people know. it was really inspiring, like i feel excited for my future and the path i've chosen so far.

this weekend was pretty good. friday was spent at the studio, saturday was spent at the studio, and once i got home was immediately bored so i drove to Breanne's where we picked up Calvin and they were going to a party i had no interest in so i dropped them off at this party and drove home around 11 :30. sunday was thanksgiving dinner, lots of good food as usual, good company as usual.. Father Len stopped by for about 5 minutes and that's a pretty accurate statement, i'd say. after lunch/dinner, i drove to Breanne's at 5:30 where we talked and attempted to study but we all know how that ends. we drove to Macs and bought 6 bucks worth of junk food which is a lot more than it sounds, and we ate it and watched Lord of the Rings where i fawned over Elijah Wood's resemblance to someone i know, and how Legolas is the epitome of the sensual man, and then we remembered the resemblance that Boromir has to someone who Breanne desperately wants to forget. we brainstormed halloween costumes.. i will be Bob Marley on the Halloween pub crawl, and me Mike and Breanne still have to decide what we'll be for the hall party on the 25th. i'm all for smurfs.

anyways, i left her house around 11:30, got home, had yet another sweet sweet necessary talk with my brother.

today i woke up and read the entire day, attempting to finish close to 200 pages of a book i have no idea what it's about. thank God for spark notes, that's all i have to say.

the family went to Famoso, a pretty accurate pizza place. i mean accurate as in the closest i've gotten to real Italian pizza not while actually being in Italy. so right on to that.
afterwards we stopped at my aunt and uncle's for coffee.. and grappa for those who like the taste of paint thinner :P

came home, watched that really good documentary that i'm excited to show people who i think will appreciate "A documentary about typography, graphic design, and global visual culture."

more positivity to note: i cleaned up some baggage lurking around in my technology, and i've decided to get my Italian passport. what for?

so i can live in Holland for three months this summer, and work.

me and Daniel have been having some great talks lately.

i don't need to document because i'm sure i will remember. it's not easy to forget those kind of moments.

im happy. and tired. little miss sunshine and sleep here i come

today i went to the studio at 10:30 in the morning. my art professor, Lisa, came at 11:30 to take a look at my portfolio and tell me what needed working on.

i left the studio around 7 pm.
i was there for 8.5 hours. it makes me smile just thinking about it. Bryan texted me at 9 when i woke up asking if i was in the studio 'cause he forgot his key. his girlfriend had to come back and give him his key. i found out the other day that him and his girlfriend own a house together and they're getting married next year. he's gotta be at least mid twenties. he wouldn't give me an answer when i asked how old he was once.

its cool to start to figure these people out. not necessarily figure them out, but see how they fit in my environment. i think i get along best with Hannah. we were so sick of the studio this afternoon, so we went for a drive. in my super Saab. i love that car.

by the way, i love that car. i love being on the road in a moving vehicle. by myself. it makes me smile, i feel like everything's alright. everything is alright though.

i remember near the end of grade twelve i had mounting joy within me because i felt i had a purpose. i had found something i'm good at, something i can work on, something i can grow from and with. and i recently discovered that feeling again. it's the most irreplaceable feeling and the best feeling, by far.

it's when a song just makes sense in the aura you're in at the time, or when the tea goes down so smoothly and good, or when the charcoal works the way you want it to (even when i end up getting charcoal all over my face), or when i realize what fucking awesome friends i have, or when i read lyrics to The Shins songs and decide that is ultimate perfection.

when a series of words come together and make me feel like the grass and the stars are one and i can lay on them both and sing sing sing sing sing and ride a red bicycle or draw something knowing full well that i suck at it, but i don't care i'm going to keep drawing and creating and thinking and figuring and loving and laughing and being who i was all along. those fucking sunflowers on the side of the road in that car with the tobacco smell and the most beautiful kids sleeping up against me in a beautiful country with beautiful history and beautiful air

it will always be there.

and i will always be here in my head where i can run through those fields and sing The Shins and drink green tea and converse with lost connections and stare at the sky

and realize this world is small and God is everywhere and He is always with me and listening to me and totally understanding me like no one will ever understand me.

at the end of the day, i have all this. i have everything at the end of my raw fingertips. i have all the words to sing and all the feelings to feel and all the moments to savour and remember. i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, i have a number one family.

i could write and write and write but my orange juice looks good and i want to drink it up.

drink it all up.

"what is it about art anyway that we give it so much importance. artists are respected by the poor because what they do is an honest way to get out of the slum, using one's sheer self as the medium. the money earned proof, pure and simple, the value of that individual, the artist. the picture a mother's son does in jail hangs on her wall as proof that beauty is possible even in the most wretched, and this is a much different idea than the fancier notion that art is a scam and a rip off.. but you could never explain to someone who uses God's gift to enslave, that you have used God's gift to be free."

i am so happy i watched Little Miss Sunshine. it's now one of my favorite movies.
it gave me such a good feeling of how necessary family is.

My favorite part was when Dwayne spoke for the first time in desperation and anger. he was my favorite character, too.

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

AND Little Miss Sunshine finished downloading! im so excited to watch it!!

and i think i'm going to go live in Holland for 2 or 3 months once school is done. i'm gonna miss my brother. but at least now i can go to Holland =)

well i basically just got home. today was a really pleasant day, nothing really to complain about.
got to school around 11, met with Breanna to give her my resume and we talked for a bit. i think me and her need to have a serious sleepover or something, just like old times. it would make me so so happy, i miss her quite a bit and every time i talk to her, i'm reminded of simple things in life, elementary and how much fun it was.

anyways, we parted ways and i went to the studio. Me and Hannah went to buy our portfolio board and brought it back to the studio and i had to leave my stuff there to go write my Philosophy midterm at noon. how fun.

i got back to the studio around 1 o' clock, and left at around 6:30. it was a lot of fun though. we played MGMT, Norwegian rap, chinese rap, and Matt's Peruvian music while we worked on our projects.

i just love how chill it is, we just sit there, do our projects, joke around, discuss things, listen to worldly music, all while we get to do these projects that maybe are frustrating, but a fucking whole lot of fun to do.

towards the evening it was only me, Bryan, Matt and Andrew and i ended up leaving around 6:30. i drove home with my heated seats, and now i'm here waiting for my Margherita pizza to warm up in the oven.

besides the fact that Daniel leaves on Wednesday, i love how things are going.

my break from studying the meaning of life.
my tea is cooling, my candle is a volcano on it's silver platter
providing a gradual heat for my fake sunflowers.

i haven't consciously drunken tea in a long time.
where you feel it in your mouth, you feel it down your throat
you feel it in your belly
getting rid of all the evil unnecessary feelings that lurk within it.
when i drink tea and smell that candle and wear this green sweater i am
brought back to a few months ago when my life was green. green tea, green candle, green sweater, burn incense.
i surprise myself everytime i meet someone new, how i so quickly evolve, adopting new ideas and leaving behind others.
i want to be mellow again, i want to drink tea and feel it dance in my belly
i want to listen to Bob Marley again and feel everything is alright.
i haven't in a long time.

i went for my first drive today. Heather told me to make it memorable. i didn't really, i picked up Mike and we drove around for about 5 minutes until i drove him back home.
i surprise myself everytime i'm with certain people, how much more alone i feel.

i think my second drive by myself will be my more memorable one. i'll drive towards the river. i'll find it somehow. maybe open the sunroof and listen to Enya or Amelie.

sometimes i stare at my fake sunflowers and ask myself what they do for me.

Bart Simpson played a game with me once, telling me to turn to certain pages of his book to find out the meaning of life. i never found out. the game was a joke. go figure.
i read my philosophy now and every page is an attempt at the meaning of life. Aristotle's theory is that if a human being is fulfilling it's function, it has achieved happiness. and whats our function? it's to be rational, apparently.
another, i concluded, is that an action is moral if it's brings a human being closer to it's goal/end. again, what is my goal or end?
my short term goal is to make it through the night, my long term goal.. well i don't really know what it is without being brought back to the initial question of
"what the flying fuck does it mean to be happy?!"

my personal theory is, who cares.
i wonder if Aristotle was really happy. i wonder if he made sure everything he did was rational, whatever the heck that ultimately means.

if it gives me a moments happiness to stick my finger in hot candle wax and see my fingerprints in return, is that fulfilling my function?
if it gives me a moments happiness to drink this tea, is that fulfilling my function?
if it gives me a moments happiness to put a smile on your face, is that fulfilling my function?

maybe these are all my functions. and maybe i need to do them all to make me happy.

how do you even gauge happiness and what it consists of? it's exhausting to think of.

my personal theory is, who cares. i hope someone smiles in return

well, my plate is completely full and i am prepared to tackle it.

tomorrow there's a show opening for a designer.. i can't remember her name. Greig, my professor, told us about it and said there'd be free food and cheap booze. he always tells us about these designer events, and i haven't gone to one yet. i have no time. it's pretty exciting for me, i find, that us design students get all the heads up for all these really cool events that are going on. i think once life starts settling down (if it ever will), i'll start going to some of these things. maybe meet new people. i don't know why i said that. i never really meet new people, i just like to entertain the thought that maybe i would.

anyways, i have midterm portfolio's due next Wednesday (same day my brother leaves =[ ), i have to start and finish a novel for Tuesday, i have to start studying for my philosophy midterm on Friday, and i have to fix up my essay that's due tomorrow.

i know where i'll be this weekend... in the studio, along with all my other art and design classmates working on the same things. me Hannah and Emily were talking the other day about getting Hannah's neighbours old couch to put in the studio. and Matt today suggested we get a disco ball so we can have dance parties on late nights.

things are starting to look up, i have to say, conversations are deepening with my fellow design students, i'm licensed, i'm awaiting a response from the job i applied to yesterday (starting at 11 bucks and is easy as pie!)

i still find myself thinking about you though

i'm going to find a Buddhist temple in Edmonton and go to it.

if you havent realized earlier, i've made a project list. things i am working on for myself.

here it is as it stand right now:

1) Project Room - goal is to make things flow nicer, more comfortable, arrange a place to put my laptop beside my bed since lately i can only fall asleep with a movie playing, and to create more space that allows me to CREATE!
2) Project Car - i've already hung my jamaican dude and the Virgin Mary from my rearview mirror, but it's distracting so i have to fix it, i have to decide on a name for her, and add knick knacks.
3)Project Shoes - goal is to finish painting the other side of my shoes with the same brown color i did the opposite sides with, and add some decoration or something.
4) Project Spirituality - goal is to start going to church more often, or look into other ways i could fulfill my spiritual hunger.
5) Project Exercise - goal is to start going to the gym more often, or else start going to yoga classes or something.
6) Project Box Painting - i've already collected 4 boxes (cereal boxes, kleenex boxes, etc.) and i'm going to paint them and maybe create some sort of shelving unit out of them.
7) Project Tea Posters - goal is to continue adding tea packets to my posters.. i'm currently working on the 4th.
8) Project Part Time Job - get that fucking student caller job because i need that money!

along with this, i'm going to continue discovering new music, i'm going to organize my school stuff, drink more tea, go out at least once every weekend, get my haircut, save for new glasses, buy new clothes from Gypsy Queen or thrift stores, download every movie i've ever wanted to see, get a new fish..

there's so much i've been wanting to do, and now that this big grey cloud over my head is gone (getting my license) i can finally do them all.

my life changed today.

i drove for about 20 minutes, he skipped half the test ('cause i did the full test run with my instructors a million times), and ten of those minutes were spent on one road getting through traffic.

we pulled into the driving school early, i thought he had cut it short 'cause i failed.

but i didn't. i passed my driving exam, and i couldn't be happier

i've started listening to Cocorosie again.. they make me feel like i'm Amelie. i love that movie, i need to buy it, it makes me feel good.

I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife
All i wanted was to be your housewife
I'll iron your clothes
I'll shine your shoes
I'll make your bed
And cook your food
I'll never cheat
I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet
And for a diamond ring
I'll do these kinds of things
I'll scrub your floor
Never be a bore
I'll tuck you in
I do not snore
I'd wear your black eyes
Bake you apple pies
I don't ask why
And i trys not to crys
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
And its nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to be a housewife
Is to be a housewife
'Cause it's nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to die a housewife
Is to die a housewife

i was up until 2 in the morning watching Freedom Writers.

i was hoping it would have changed my life.
or something.

instead, it made me look bum-chic today, and very very tired.

and it was awful and i hate Hilary Swank.

Breanna wrote this in her blog:

"FUCK #2) what the hell is going on with us right now? No matter how hard i try to fix things or make you see that i'm not going anywhere thats all you ever seem to think of me. I'm not going to disregard you, i've made a lot of choices to get me to where i am in this relationship with you, and for what? So you can continue to think that in the blink of an eye it will all be over? How many times do i have to look you in the eyes and let you know that i want to do this. If i felt like i wanted someone else i would have been gone by now. Look at what happened during the summer. I CHOSE YOU don't you get it? I want things to work but i begin to underestimate my intentions when u constantly think the worst in me. realize that you are good enough so we can move on. realize that i'm here when nobody else is and that you are the world to me. figure things out with ur family and tell them the truth! If they care then they will make an effort to change. you need to solve all those hidden issues before we can get past this and i know your strong enough to do that. I just don't want to lose you because you lose yourself. "


i know you're going to read this
and i know what you're talking about. although it's sort of the other way around... i'm not the one feeling that way, i'm the one making someone else feel that way..

i think i am the epitome of a SPAZ.

i shouldn't joke about it though, 'cause i seriously have some anxiety issues.

seriously.

i don't know why.

i hate sounding like this. i feel like i can;t do anything but cry,.

i need to talk to someone and i don't know who.

you put me in such a bad mood i end up hurting the people around me.

i hate being ignored, i hate not having control over my feelings
i hate being stifled
i hate that everything is for your own fucking benefit..
if i want to talk and you don't want to then we won't talk
if you want to talk we always talk because, well, i could never say no even if i wanted to.

it seems my flaws are always pointed out, and yes i do need to work on them
but that does not in any way mean you have nothing that you need to work on.

i'm tired of giving and not receiving.

i'm pretty sure my two favorite songs above all the rest are Wild Horses and No Woman No Cry.
i wish all my favorite artists did their own version of these songs..

i added more of my bookmarked websites over there under the "below zero" section, there's lots of cool things to see. and hear.

every Friday, me and Calvin are doing a new episode of (UofA)NTM, which stands for University of Alberta's Next Top Model.
it was born today, when we took a million pictures on the stairs of the North Power Plant where my studio is located.

it made me laugh, i really needed it. Calvin is an awesome human being.

October,
i like writing to you, i will address every blog of this month to you.
forgive my beating heart, my chewed fingers and my weak tear ducts.

i scribbled in Philosophy words, and near the end had a coughing attack where you feel an itch in your throat
and i had wished i filled my water bottle this morning. i coughed and coughed
and felt horrible, this bottomless icky feeling in the pit of my stomach like all things of comfort value could fall right through me. they did fall right through me.

i thought of everywhere and everyone i know that have given me a sense of comfort and i revisited them in my head and
nothing seemed good enough. nothing seemed worth the effort.

trying to fill this gap, i came up with reasons. perhaps i need to create this space i wish i had, maybe it's time to change my room again. or perhaps i've been trying to create the perfect person in my head, being let down to find out they aren't perfect, and i need to realize that no one is. or perhaps i have to become more spiritual.

i'm feeling ok right now. when i get my license next week, i intend to explore this city with the money i don't have. i will explore new music specifically for my adventures. i will continue doing things with my hands, and learning more about the people around me.

-Project Room
-Project Car
-Project Shoes
-Project Spirituality
-Project Exercise

anti-anxiety.

sorry October, i take that back,
perhaps you aren't so bad.
i can dance in your leaves.

sorry October, but so far, you really suck.

i bought an alarm clock today
i quit my job today
i get my license in a week
my brother leaves in two weeks
my confidence will hopefully improve as of November 7.

today me and Breanne studied at lakeside, then i got my pay cheque, we ate sushi at mount fuji where i lost my appetite, we drove to shoppers to get an alarm clock only to find out they didnt have any, so we went to Canadian Tire where i made the alarms beep and i bought an alarm clock.

i don't want him to leave..

i can't sleep!

i hate my head
i wish it would stop thinking
and making me feel this awful awful feeling

i wish things were how they used to be. why aren't they ??

i miss the way i used to write.
it only seems to be about events.

i miss the way i used to be when who i wanted to be was exactly who i was..
i am ruined when i fit someone else into the picture.

i need to be that way with someone else or i'll never be happy. i need to ride red bicycles
and talk to frogs more, read draw design more
or before i know it it'll be too late to do the things i wished i did at that time.

i don't want to sleep i don't know if i can but i have to
i fall asleep better sometimes with the light on.

my life will change on October 7th, and it will change again on November 7th. for the better.
for the worse, my life will change October 15th. with all the changing you'll think i've stayed exactly the same,
and i hope you're there for me when the time comes, i don't want to be alone,
i like moments with you.

i painted my shoes tonight, i didn't think i'd finish in one night but i guess after one more layer in about 10 seconds, they will be done. i've sacrificed a 2000 tissue-pages thin textbook for paint and a brush.

my brother started creating things. if i had more time, i think i would too.

Sept.22 2008 1:20 pm

_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

.......
Everyone just seems like a blank slate of nothing. i'm sure they have more to them but i have no interest. why does he have to leave me here by myself.

If i can't make myself happy, how can i make other people happy?

How do i attack this? How do i figure this out? what the fuck is in store for me? do i feel happy? will i ever be happy? what is it to be happy anyways?

the knife is happy if he can cut properly. what is my function? being rational? what does that even mean, Aristotle? i have goosebumps on my legs. in this studio. rely on me. rely on myself. no one can do anything for you. jst write, keep writing. keep figuring, figuring it out. turn off the phone and just be without it, without expecting something, without hope. just be ok with this bubble of what you're doing and soak it all up.

this studio is more comforting than i expected. it's hard to make friends. what opens people up? what makes them know you?

today in Design we had critique.

when it came to the pattern i designed, Bryan said he saw a hint of M.C. Escher in it.

so i can't just write in my blog and not mention last night's events and how fabulous i looked,
and how much i love clubbing with Calvin because he is so good at cock-blocking creepy club guys. it was a really good night, which ended in me being somewhat irritated. but it was nothing a late night McDonald's trip can't fix.. and maybe a very sweet and much needed text conversation 'til 4 in the morning...

i wore Breanne's dress which looked crazy amazing on me (you'll have to check out the photo album on the side named "Calvin's 18th Birthday"), but i was self-conscious at the start of the night simply because i wasn't wearing a bra and let's just say the night was somewhat chilly.. Calvin loves my boobs, though, and when i don't wear a bra, he thinks it's very Au Couture and natural and sexy, and the fact that mine are so little makes him love them even more. ps, he is gay and more feminine than any female i've ever met. oh boy do i ever love Calvin.

anyways, we stroll into The Bank and immediately do birthday jager bombs (i spent $22.75 on 3!) and i had made the sad mistake of inviting Dave to come so i could dance with him. if you remember Dave correctly, he is the one i went on two dates with this year and it never went any further, and he is also the first guy who didn't irritate me when we danced. well, perhaps i was trying to hard to have another moment, because i didn't feel comfortable with him at all, he ended up leaving early which was perfect for me because i just wanted to dance with Calvin and Co. Calvin is an amazing dancer he definitely has the right moves. definitely. and whenever there was a creep creeping behind or around me, he would completely grab me and switch sides and push the guy away with his back. he said he would protect me, and that he did, and i appreciated it. some guy near the end of the night tapped me on the shoulder and asked if i was Miss Universe.. when i said no he asked if i was Miss Canada, or Miss America and i said no and then he asked if i wanted to marry him and i said no, and then he said oh com'on.. and then i awkwardly inched towards Calvin, who was failing at saving me at that specific point haha.

thats a difference between me and Breanne.. if she was in that situation she would have found him charming and a conversation or dance would have flourished as a result, but when things like that happen to me, i feel uncomfortable and the last thing i want to do is look that man in the eyes. which always ends up worrying me, Breanne always manages to disappear with random guys whether it be in a quieter spot, or outside and when i can't see my best friend in the vicinity, i start to worry and i start doing laps until i find her and know she's ok.

i can't help but be a worrier.. i don't want bad things happening to people i care about.

anyways, me and Mike danced for awhile and that was good, i told Calvin to lay off the cock-blocking for that haha.

i don't like the layout of the Bank, at all, however. there's too many things going on, and too many obstacles that it makes it a lot crowded than it actually is and we all know Christine can only take so much of her personal bubble being invaded and pushed around before she's Miss Grumpy Pants. i was incredibly irritated by the end of the night, the consequence of Breanne giving out and smoking over half my pack of slims (without even asking me first) which i had just bought Friday morning, how fucking cold it was, how crowded it was, how sticky the floors were.. the list could continue, but you get my drift.

but i looked fucking good even with a shaving accident on my thigh in plain view, and a huge scratch on my elbow.

i just wanted to put on some pants. on a more important note, what is UP with the US?!

This is a call of arms to live and love and sleep together
We could flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever
Lock the parents out, cut a rug, twist and shout
Wave your hands
Make it rain
For stars will rise again

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

In a couple of years
Tides have turned from booze to tears
And in spite of the weather
We could learn to make it together

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

The youth

(as you can see, I am fucking obsessed with MGMT and their words and beats.)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah

ps, my brother's new glasses look incredibly RAD, its too bad i only get to see them for another 3 weeks...

pps, this tuna, mayo, tomato, and cheese sandwich (on triangle bread!) is perfection

ppps, i can't wait for the Bank.

i came home this morning from a good night on Whyte,
felt gross and took a bath and thought...

instead of asking God to answer my questions, maybe I should ask him to answer the questions of the people i care most about... maybe mine will ultimately be answered.

i have to let it go, this is a needle of time in the massive hay stack of eternity.. it doesn't matter one bit.

and to make things worse, i am a self-righteous cunt bag who should be giving more attention to her best friend who is having a lot bigger issues right now. mine hardly compare.

perhaps i thought he was dead that night, but i should look at it as, at least he's alive. and leave it at that.

live and let live?

in philosophy we talked about self-interest. i tune in and out of those lectures, but i do get interested at some peak moments, fortunately. what got me interested was Ethical egoism and Psychological egoism.. ( i had to grab my binder for that one).. questioning, "are human actions always based on self-interest?" i thought heck yes.

i mean, even when i do something nice.. like just a few minutes ago i cleaned the bathroom, toilet and all, and although i fucking hate doing it, i feel relieved afterwards.. almost a sense of cleanliness, and relief that i won't have to do it again until tomorrow or the next couple of days.
it's just like that, i think.

so right now, i will act self-interestedly and not deal with things that will bring me down.
"you are worth coming back for." am i, really?

hell yes i am.

i don't know what happened,
but i seem to have just discovered my own body.

as i've said earlier, i weighed 155 pounds before Italy,
i now waver between 140-143 pounds and if you ask me, I do not look like i lost 10-15 pounds. (what's weirder, is i've been unexpectedly maintaining that weight... i eat when i want, and i think sometimes i eat too much, but i always seem to be 143 pounds.. i don't understand it. i don't think i'll ever reach 150 again! i mean, that one night at Breanne's i ate SO MUCH JUNK and i still managed to stay this way)

BUT
in the process of figuring out what to wear this weekend, I tried on all my old skinny jeans, and they all fit comfortably! this is so exciting! all i need is spandex to wear under them.. or some underwear that doesn't slide down with the pants, and i'm set!

i am in complete awe right now

man oh man
if whoever reading this has not listened to MGMT is for certainly missing out.
DOWNLOAD A S A P
so fucking good

things are starting to look up despite a situation.
i've gotten in touch with a few people from high school, including Mike, whose always been a pretty good guy despite my bitchiness towards him last summer.

I stayed at school until 6:30, worked on my art and design projects which i have to finish Friday morning. it's nice to just be in the studio.. after classes are over it empties out (even though there are only ten of us to begin with) and it's sort of a nice Oasis. today after philosophy i picked up a multi-grain bagel with sundried tomato (i love it and they had it today, bonus!) and walked to Deweys, got chamomile tea and went to the studio almost an hour early for Design. Hannah, Emily and Matt were up there already so we just talked and i ate my food and i felt so lucky to have this quiet place i could just go to to do anything i want, at any time of the day, on any day of the week.

anyways, Friday after school i'm going to meet Breanne and we are going to go shopping because i need clothes that are suitable for the Bank... meaning i need female clothes, which i have hardly none of. we're gonna end up at Black Dog that night, and hopefully with people i havent seen since graduation, who don't go to the University.. it'll be nice. it's Keith's birthday, too bad he can't play the drums for us courtesy of Black Dog Entertainment. lol
then we will be heading to Calvin's aunts place for his pre-party. i am hoping to get really drunk for once, because I haven't since my 18th, and i'm not sure i was actually really drunk then to begin with.

Saturday night we will be going to the Bank for Calvin's actual birthday party, where we will do birthday jagger bombs (mmm..) hopefully i can handle two nights in a row of drinking.
i can't believe i am speaking in this manner, i never drink, and i hate alcohol that tastes like alcohol.

i shall suck it up, though, it's about time.

Sunday morning i work 7 am -noon (yay) and then i have driving from 1-3:30.. which reminds me, i have to book my driving exam. i am a superb driver by the way, i can't wait to contribute to carbon dioxide pollution in the air.

hopefully my weekend goes as i plan it, i really need it. i am going to stop being a hermit, and i am going to get my head in this game called University.
i will immerse myself in important things, i will marinate my brain in the arts and party people.

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

today sucked, yesterday sucked,
and in all the events that made them sucky (which according to Conor don't qualify as complaints, and i have nothing to complain about pfft)
i felt real lonely.

i'm on facebook, and totally forgot that i always have a best friend i can talk to who is completely out of any situation i'm in.. he's on the other side of the country, actually.

he said "hey you" on facebook and asked how i was. i said "real shitty, can i call you?"

i love Pablo, i really truly do, he is my best friend and there is no doubt in my mind that we are soulmates.

1101st post!

now what really makes me wonder is how come i have so much to say on here, and then nothing to say to people in person.

today i woke up.
got yelled at.
yelled back.
drove to the University to photocopy some of my design project,
drove back home
worked on my project,
cleaned out a huge pile of papers from last year
-just looking through all my Chemistry notes and throwing out every paper that didnt have a cool doodle on it felt so so good. if it was any other time in my life looking at those notes, i would have been worried... knowing i never have to look at another chemical formula or periodic table again gave me the greatest happiness i had ever known. but i kept every piece of paper that had a neat doodle on it.. and i found some random notes i had written during spares.. like journal entries.-
ate supper,
rented Charlie Bartlett with my brother,
got ice cream from Dairy Queen,
watched Charlie Bartlett and disliked it.

sitting here, bored, might watch another movie, or work on all those South Park episodes i have recorded.

tomorrow i have a driving refresher course from 1-3:30, i hope it isn't with Shane, the dumb instructor i had last September.

this whole driving deal is stressing me out so much. i wish i just had my license and this whole thing was over with. i should have gotten it so long ago. ah i hate driving with an instructor.
this may sound weird, but i'd rather the instructor be a robot instead of an actual human being.. this year i'll wear my sunglasses so i feel more comfortable.

this morning i woke up at 9:00, got ready, left the house at 9:50 and drove all the way to the University.

not by myself, of course. my brother was in the passenger seat, and i was really happy that i got to drive my car to school =)

once there, i went straight to the library to start my photocopying for my 2nd Design project, went to the studio to organize my stuff, had class at noon, got out of class at 12:50, went to the studio to pick up all my materials and finished products, trained to Clareview, and came home around 2.

i just ate my late lunch.
i am now going to blast my music, sing, and work on my Design project

yay! i love school an unhealthy amount.

Breanna has told me about her job. I think i might apply. i'll stay at second cup of course, but i want money and i always put off getting a different job simply because i don't want to put the effort into learning the ropes at something new, and meeting new people, and if every job starts out the way second cup started for me, then i want nothing to do with starting a new job.. unless its my career of course.

but she explained it to me, and i've always been jealous of those people who sit at desks their whole shift and get paid so much, and work whenever they want..
when i have to deal with fussy customers, rush hours, chocolate syrup all over me, crusty milk in my hair, burns, on my feet the whole shift, having trouble saying no to shifts, being worried i won't get holidays off...
i'm tired of it. i think i'm gonna work 5 hours a week at second cup, and 5 hours a week at this other job. i'll get 50 cent raise every semester and if i come back next year, they'll start me at 13.50

i want money, and i know Conor would be disappointed in me saying that, but if i can squeeze money out of the government, i will for surely do it!

i'm going to stop dressing like a bum.
i'm going to start doing sit-ups.

my brother is moving to Holland on October 15th?!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT

i downloaded The Subways newest album.

i need up-beat, fast-paced, electro, Hot Chip, Shout Out Out Out Out, Santogold, Ting Tings, Moby-esque music right now.

i really do need

i'm sick
i'm tired
i create my own doom
if i let go
i'd be better off, i know for sure.
not everyone has ulterior motives, stop searching for warning signs. why do i think everyone has ulterior motives?
is it because i, myself, have ulterior motives?
leading me to believe everyone does as well?

i'm not God, i'm just a human, get fucking over it.
i can't be God. i can't be any god.

i should stomp on the fucking egg shells if i want to. i cower in the corner,
always admitting my mistakes, making things obvious, making it clear to everyone when it may have been unclear to begin with.. and maybe to end with.

i dictate my own life, it seems. i dictate negatively, and it ends up likewise.

no more.

i know i've been going nuts with blogging here lately, but i just found the source of DON'T THINK JUST FEEL!

this is so exciting because i could not remember for the life of me, where the heck i got it from.
i was digging through old music, and i started listening to The Subways (love) and i looked up the simple lyrics to She Sun (love) and here they are.. ps, check out the song its brilliant..

She sun does nothing
She won't tell nothing
She changed
She's strange...
Don't think
Just feel it
Keep it
The feelings

She changed
She's strange...

so a bunch of Conor's friends from Drayton Valley are in this band called Sex With The City.
when i first heard them, i thought
ick.
it's totally not my style of music, and a few lines still make me cringe but
being forced to listen to it in the car with Conor so many times,
i find myself going to their myspace to listen to them haha

it's grown on me. WEIRD
you should check them out

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon".
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

school was pleasant today. in art we did a critique on our projects.. mine wasn't very strong. i didn't really like that project to begin with, unfortunately. we started on a new project. we painted in chinese ink with a branch.. we joked we were all getting back to our roots in the paleolithic time period. we're all in the same art history class too, where we looked at some art from the paleolithic, so we all got a few chuckles out of that one..

i had philosophy and drank more water than anything else.

studied for a bit with Conor,
went to design, had a critique. it was cool to see what everyone else did with their projects and how my way of thinking and arranging things compared to their ways. we started on a new project, which looks pretty interesting. i have to come up with two master tiles with two different patterns, and then we have to do a whole bunch of shrinking and multiplying and rotating to make a more complex pattern.

i'm just trying to look through things artsy things i've kept in the past for some inspiration. i don't want to do something geometric.. i want something simple so it won't look cluttered in the final product.. i'm searching arabic letters and different patterns. i think it would be sweet to incorporate some lines and designs from arabic letters..

they look pleasant.

wow i just found the coolest thing! nice pattern...

I certainly haven't been spreading myself around. I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb, But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so I can't stop changing all the time.

i thought he was dead

i just spent an hour looking at old pictures.

i don't know if it's because i took more pictures of social outings then than i do now,
but it seems i might have been a lot more fun back then...

christine,
stop being so greedy
and stop expecting too much.

you have what you wanted,
you have all the time in the world
if not today, then tomorrow
if not tomorrow
then some other day.
things don't need to happen right now.
like what you have because it's what you wanted
all along.

Love,
christine

i want to take more pictures of people.
i'm going to take the camera with me everywhere.

yesterday was interesting.
i worked in the studio from 8:30-11:30.. i had a class at noon, so i picked up some matboard, and the novel Wuthering Heights for english within a half hour, and then i went to Philosophy. thank God that was only 50 minutes. right after class, i grabbed a tea and went to the studio to work again. i was there until 4:00
i got everything done, though.
went to Dewey's which is conveniently located under my art and design studio.. sat with Brendan and Conor for a bit and then went to Conor's. waited a long time for the number 8, but we got there
and ate Delissio pizza.
around 7, Breanne came over and we all went to the fashion show.
Emily met us there, and after the fashion show we went to Churchill for a FREE LIVE SHOW BY SHOUT OUT OUT OUT OUT

yay!
the wild dancer in me, who was trapped since before i went to Italy, was released.

around.. 11:11 we left, and went to Tim Hortons, and then Breanne drove me home.

it was fun, but i always want more.
past tense sucks.

this morning in art i nearly had a breakdown for several reasons:

1. i was over-tired due to the Bloc Party concert last night (i shall elaborate later)
2. the dumb train was packed and was delayed, making me nearly ten minutes late for art GASP
3. we had to draw negative space of the most complicated still life (bicycles with spokes GASP)

ok, so about the Bloc Party concert last night. it was fantastic, minus the shitty sound at Edmonton Event Center. people were crowd-surfing, got kicked to the back, one guy even managed to jump onto the stage and sing with Kele Okereke. i'm pretty tolerant when it comes to crowded crowds, but after awhile, i can't take it. my clausterphobia kicks in and i get frustrated, especially when i'm being squashed into the railing in front of the stage. i have to admit though, pushing back just as hard felt so good. i wanted to elbow everyone in my radius in the face. minus my brother, of course.
Shout Out Out Out Out opened for them, and i had never listened to them before last night, and they were really good. i think my favorite was watching both drummers on different drum sets banging the drums so synchronized. it was truly magical. i practically went nuts. this girl and this guy standing behind me totally rubbed me the wrong way, though.. literally. she was constantly jumping and all i could feel was her crotch on my ass. my personal bubble was completely destroyed last night and it made me agitated lol.

i like my space, unless someone i like is invading it. i shouldn't complain though, it's kind of expected at a concert. i didn't know the layout of Ed's, though, so i couldn't exactly prepare for what happened.

anyways, today i was completely tired and late and upset. Conor's texts made me smile though. i got through my drawing, completing Project 1.3 of Art, and about thirty minutes ago i finished Project 1.3 for Design. things are looking up... tomorrow morning at school i'm going to read English and start sketching for Art.

i am totally using my time wisely! i was the only one in design who had finished Project 1.2, what a keener i am! i definitely enjoy Design a lot more than Art... i have no drawing abilities, though, so that's a given.

but i was freaking out this morning. Projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Art and projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Design are due on Monday and we're going to do critiques.

yesterday in Art History, my focus stayed unbroken for the whole class and i took substantial notes.

i'm so glad i'm doing what i'm doing.. i would have it no other way.

i cut my finger today with the xacto knife.
i felt like a true designer.

so i have lots to say,
and i just sent Heather a jam-packed message on facebook, and a lot of what i said in there is stuff i wanted to say on here, so here are some pieces from her message...

and school is awesome! i really really like it, and maybe i'm speaking too soon, but i'm really enjoying it. first thing that happened on the first day when i got off the train was run into Andrea which was cool.. we were both running late though so we only said hey. and that same day my art class was going on a tour ending at the art store, and on the way i saw Mel which was also cool haha. i also talked to Kelsey when she had a Twee booth in SUB which was cute. and Dewey's is a regular hangout.. me and Conor and our friends are always there and i had my second tea from there today! i had at this morning and my prof is Lisa Turner and our first drawing was blind contour.. drawing the person next to us! me and my partner Matt were the only boy/girl partnership (lol) and i had to stare him in the eyes and draw everything about him. i laughed. it was weird. i have trouble maintaining eye contact with people i actually know, and here i had to do it with a stranger.. and draw! the second drawing we had to do was continuous line with non-dominant hand.. i was a little better, and our third was continuous line with our dominant hand, and it didn't turn out bad at all.. i was pleasantly surprised. our final one was a simple life complex continuous line, and with my viewfinder i was able to get things pretty nicely proportionate. i thought of you when you taught me to mentally measure things and i found it exhausting. i did that for a full 50 minutes and my arm was very sore. it was a good class, though.. i was really hesitant when i started the simple life project, as i didn't want to make any mistakes, but once i drew the shape of the table everything else seemed to follow nicely after.

i had an hour break after art, and met with a friend who i hadn't seen since junior high. i had philosophy from 1-2, and that class i've learned is sort of a bore... and then i had an hour break where i met Conor at Dewey's to study. and then i had design. my prof is Greig Rasumussen and today he even asked me if i had an older brother who did industrial design and i said.. Daniel? and he said Yes! i can see the family resemblance. Say hello to him for me.
which i have yet to do. Daniel will be pleased, he told me Greig is brilliant. so far, he is. i finished Project 1.1 today, which is basically an arrangement of 5 different rectangles (the golden section rec., square root rec., equilateral rec., 2x3 rec., and 1x2 rec.). i still have to do 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 due for monday. it was a lot of fun though, i liked having 3 hours to measure, cut out, arrange, outline and label these rectangles. 3 hours went by superfast and i ended up being the second last person out of the room because i wanted to finish it so bad. and i asked a lot of questions, you would have been proud.. i wasn't even scared to ask. probably because there's only ten people in my class , but oh well. when i had an idea for my rectangles and a cool labelling system, i'd ask Greig what he thought and he told me and i would re-arrange and ask again if it was ok, and at the end when almost everyone was gone i showed him the final product and he said he liked the sharpness of the ink and the corners, and how precise everything was. he even gave me a tip (that i think you gave me a while back) for when i had deep lnes with small amounts of graphite left behind.. use a kneadable eraser and shape one side into a point and manoeuvre it into the pencil grooves of the paper. it was a really sweet class, and even though i spend 6 hours in that studio every monday and wednesday, they always seem to go by extremely fast.

i already plan to stay after class on wednesday to finish another few projects and basically all of friday as well...

tomorrow i have art history and english right after. my at history prof is Santa-Balazs, who Daniel said is "really wicked!" and she seemed it on thursdays class, so i'm excited about that class too. the only classes i'm not so into are Philosophy and English.. but they both really have nothing to do with my degree, so i guess it's a good indicator that i've chosen the right program.

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as you can see, i was the ultimate teeny-bopper.. but i somehow miss some of this

i just logged onto my old accounts on photobucket. i think it's time for a flashback...









oh Communications class with William in grade eleven...

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
Y'know I'm blind so why d'you disagree

(Bridge)
So take me away cos I just don't want to stay
And the lies you make me say
Are getting deeper every day
These are crazy days but they make me shine
Time keeps rolling by

(Chorus)
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
We're gonna make a better day
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
You know it's gonna be o.k.

So what you gonna do when the walls come falling down?
You never move you never make a sound
So where you gonna swim with the riches that you found?
If you're lost at sea I hope that you've drowned

a heart is no place to be singing from at all

fuck it.


i trust you

i'm scared for what might happen to this.
a rub on the back tells me not to worry.. but

i feel so much better knowing i can write.

although i love my classes, i can't help but feel like i'm some sort of imposter, like i don't belong in this environment where people line up for hours to buy textbooks, where people go to school on a huge campus. i think it's gonna end in a week. it hasn't hit me yet that i'm over grade school, this is how schooling is going to be for me from now on. it's weird.

according to me, i'm still ten years old
and i somehow think you'll want to hold my hand forever.

first day of school.

i am dead.

i am excited, though. very very. i love school.

so tomorrow is first day of school
!

i'm just going through what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. i didnt go back to school shopping yet.. for clothes nor supplies.
i don't want to appear too try hard with my clothes, so i'm just wearing my dark blue jeans with no belt (no thong tomorrow!), Heather's volcom tank top, and my billabong hoodie.

i'm still deciding on shoes... i think i'll wear my brown and blue Pro-Keds.


wish me luck

AUG27.08 technically AUG28.08, but you know these late nights...

my heart hurts, Conor has gone to sleep. i just want to write. i usually have nothing important to say, i just want to write and write and write and write with no destination in mind. you are very cute. i like you very much. my heart hurts. my pointless writing sucks. i should draw. i'm scared to screw up. but why? i'm gonna have about 40 journals.

can you even begin to guess or empathize with the disappointment i feel when i can't draw? i don't really try though, i guess. i'm going to school to learn, Remember? i'm not perfect. i can't draw. i go to school to learn. you get that gross feeling and you know it holds you back. you seen it in Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem. i think of Leigha everytime i see or hear that and i think it's lame and ridiculously over used. Seize the Day. does that even mean anything anymore? all the juices have been sucked out of it.

I KNOW YOU ARE CREATIVE. just be forward with thoughts. let them be known. if you imagine Virgin Mary breaking through your walls, or if you imagine life on the ceiling, be aware of that thought, don't let it get away without recognition. Analyze. Recognize. Document.
YOU ARE CREATIVE. YOU ARE LEARNING. YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE MOTIVATED. YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR FEARS. YOU WILL

distraction/retrospect

i could not sleep.
i was in bed almost asleep
and then i wondered if i finished writing in my journal.
i got up
went on the computer
and i just now realized that i haven't yet looked at my journal.. so i shall do that now..

yup, just like i thought, i stopped writing mid-sentence, i don't remember what distracted me
but i'm sure it was a distraction
everything is a distraction
i wonder what life would be like without distractions
i like having the word distraction in every line i write.

distraction distraction
i would be a genius, i think.

i went to the university, Daniel showed me the places i will be spending the most time in for the next 4 years of my life.
i went home and slept.
i woke up and went to Conor's.
i washed his dishes, he vacuumed the floor.
we watched youTube videos, he drew pictures and words on my back.
we took out the garbage, he drove me home.

i need to get more energy.. i'm going to have to get more energy or i know i won't survive 9 hour days. i'm so used to high school spares and minor stresses, and having almost no care in the world.

scratch that, funny that i would say i had almost no cares in the world in high school, when my high school self would totally disagree. retrospect sucks.

retrospect always seems more positive. perhaps because retrospect means its already done and you don't have to worry about it anymore..
i don't know what i'm saying.

what would you say if you could say anything at all