last night was a lot of fun

me and mike went for Shisha and then to the Bank where we met up with Brett and Braden.
we waited 2 hours until the place was filling up and dancing
and then i started dancing

but i didn't really start dancing until Leigha showed up.
i have to dance with the right people, i figured.
so we can feed off each others energies, and that's exactly what happened when Leigha showed up

=)

today i plan on doing.. nothing !

geeeez

so yesterday i met Breanne at Kingsway at 6 when she was done work
we had tea and mall walked for about 2 hours.

it was weird and awkward. period.
she was herself, things could have been the same. but when you don't explain why what happened, happened, things can't just .. flow. for me anyways.

i wanted to get outta there as soon as possible.

at 7 i left Kingsway and drove to Kelsey's where her and Heather were having another Twee party. it was fun, i used to be super akward at their parties 'cause i don't know anyone, but Rachelle was there and i met this Sergio guy who i've seen around the studio before. they made hot toddy's which is pretty deadly especially for me since the only reason i don't drink is because i hate the taste of alcohol so with hot toddy's, i didn't have to worry.

people started leaving and around midnight it was just Rachelle, Kelsey, Heather, me and these two other girls and we just sat by the fire and i got to hear a bunch of stories of design business and it was really a lot of fun.

at 2, we left, i followed Heather's truck back to her place after she dropped off Rachelle.
at Heather's, we slept in her teeny bed, end to end. i miss her and it's weird to think she basically has become my sister.

this morning, we drove to Cafe Mosaics and had breakfast there with Rachelle and April. i had the best pancakes i'd ever eaten.

i'm going to go bathe myself and then take a very needed nap and then tonight, we'll see what happens.

shisha and clubbing with Mike? very possible

yetserday i hung out with Heather.
it was like old time and wonderful.

we went to Starlite where Sebastien Grainger eventually showed up, and he wasn't all that great.
Corey let us in for free though so i saved 5 bucks! and Leigha showed up which was fun.

i really love that girl. i don't think i'll ever stop caring about her

"As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life. "

hmmph
yesterday i did nothing
then i painted
then i picked up red-head Olivia
we drove around, eventually ended up at the university campus,
then we drove to 17 street
blazed, drove to my place
watched Across The Universe (it's been the 3rd time in 2 weeks!)
this morning
i drove her to the bank
i made myself vegetable soup, toast and pomegranate tea for lunch =)

tomorrow i help Hannah paint her bed frame!
and hopefully i'll find people to go to Starlite Room with me to see Sebastien Grainger from MSTRKRFT tomorrow night! weeeeeee!

something happened the other day, where a certain feeling just went away.or changed.or something.

before Saturday, i had bitter feelings towards someone who had completely ditched during a time when i needed her most, and recently she's been texting and saying sorry for things, but saying she's changed and i just had real negative thoughts about it.

but Saturday sort of changed my feelings. it was like i had been seeing things from her point of view and the next day i just wanted to tell her.
it's like, i feel like we could just totally continue being friends without any explanations or confrontations, i don't even care.

it's an awesome feeling, definitely.

Leigha's gonna notify me when her and Lauren are free. we're gonna steep the entire baggy, and hopefully this time we do it right

i went to Leigha's apartment yesterday around 6:30. we made shroom tea
drank it, waited, nothing happened. so we just got baked.

starting from 7:30 until 11, we hit the bong and pipe and i have never been so baked in my life.
it was such a new experience. we were just totally out of it. and then Lauren came home from work at 10 and she hit the bong and we were just all completely.. wow.

i think back and recall some of these moments where my mind was tripping like crazy.

i totally understand the paranoia thing. Leigha brought out a whole bunch of notes i wrote to her during high school and whatnot and i was so paranoid i thought she was going to bring up when i screwed up our friendship and trap me or something.
and then when Lauren was on the phone telling Calvin directions to the place, i swore she was on the phone for ten minutes and everything was so jolty and i was like "Laurens lieing! she's giving him wrong directions!" i was like freaking out, i heard her say something about disneyland, and the world trade center and i was thinking, "holy shit! the world trade centers don't exist!"

me and Leigha were tripping the whole night, it had to be some of the shrooms, HAD TO BE, 'cause i don't think i ever got that crazy before.. but we did smoke a lot, a lot. i think

geez, so at 11:30 or so we head to Globe and Stacy's there and so is Marcy and Marshall from elementary. i couldn't believe it. it was hilarious. i was totally fucked.
all my favorite top 40 songs played, i was dancing with Leigha and Calvin and it was a good time.

it was sort of like the twilight zone. i've known Leigha since i can even remember and we were best friends for so long and we've never done anything crazy like that before. i missed her

i wonder if it could ever be the way it was.

we caught the train at 1:21
got home, ordered pizza and sat and burnt out around 3

i wonder if it could ever be the way it was

i got this facebook message last night from a girl i went to high school with, Meagan.
"your so artsy & so you.aha i havent talked to you in ages but i just creeped your page real harsh and thought i should tell you that i appreciate your artsy-ness & real ness it feels like a breath of fresh air compared to the pages im used to looking through & the people im used to talking to so thankyou. ahaim a nerd i know,:p hope everything is well merry x-mas :)"

i thought it was really sweet of her to say something like that, it was cool.

anyways, so yesterday i had my art history exam at 9, and then Philosphy at 2. in between those exams, me and Hannah went for bubble tea and i bought two robes from Decadence :D

after my philosophy we went to the studio to retrieve our portfolio's, put them in the trunk, and then we headed to Kingsway where i had to pick up photos. it was depressing, only 3 had turned out. and they looked bad. guess i need to do another test roll hfsduiofniosen.

then we went to Second Cup where we met up with Olivia Bond haha. she's sweet, her room is way cool and i like to think we could be friends. we were at her place for a while.. waited for an important text message and then we drove to a back alley in Clareview and waited for fun stuff in exchange for money. drove to my place, put to use the fun stuff, and then i drove Olivia back home, safely.

at my place, me and Hannah ate some food then watched Across The Universe and fell asleep.

this morning we mozied around, and around 1 i drove her home.

BUT, on the way, we stopped at her grandparents old house which is being demolished soon and we walked in and found all this neat stuff. it was such a cute house with slanted ceilings and cute cubby's and shelves and nooks everywhere. it was a lot of fun looking around, except super cold.

it's been a good end of exams so far, tonight i go to Leigha's apartment with Calvin and well,
perhaps i'll blog about it tomorrow if i have brain cells left.. and i don't die from a bad trip ha

hmm
"what if being profound is what makes them real"

it's a very valid statement/question.
i guess you could see my comments as jumping the gun a bit
but when i mean profound, i mean like appearing so much more above everyone else
and turning a serious, very necessary conversation, into some poetic dialogue with metaphors.. that isn't necessary.

it just makes my jaw drop and ask "uhh whaaat"
i appreciate language and profundity when it's appropriate

on another note,
if i were to be a statue, i would be hanging my head and crying mid-breakdown
the heavy emotion in this statue would place me in the Hellenistic Period of the Greeks.

yes, art history almost made me breakdown today.
i looked up through the windows towards the sky in the Business Building
and felt a wee better

this has made me realize a few things about myself.

i can't handle my friends being fucked up.
if they become sketch cases, i automatically think it's a cry for attention
because i can't handle friends being fucked up.

it's like
why can't i have the issues for once? why can't i be the one people stress out about?
why can't i be the one who is completely fucked out of her mind people get angry at her?

i am so sick and tired of these hidden messages and profound comments and phases. why can't people just fucking wake up and be straight forward and ditch being profound and just be real.

that's all i fucking want. i want to know what's real. i want to know you, right now. i just want you to be real

what the hell is going on

vegetable soup from a carton.
i can never seem to get it all in the pot. i always seem to spill it.

the ups man came to the door today with a box shaped very similarly to that of a laptop.
i didn't answer the door though. i had just woken up and i don't like people who come to our door.. or call our telephone.

i am supposed to be studying. i think i have given up on it altogether. unfortunate.
i really got in the mood for art history yesterday though. i went over all possible essay questions. except my studying regime consists of me sitting on my brothers bed, piles of paper organized around my legs and the textbook on my lap, tv on pause.
i'd watch a section of Friends or Closer, and then once a commercial came on, i would pause and write some more notes. then when i thought i had written a sufficient amount i would press play on the television.

so along with the section of my brain called Art History, there can also be found Chandler jokes and Jude Law's pillow talk. Closer is an interesting movie. mm Clive Owen.

the only character i seem to hate in that movie is Julia Roberts. the character i see myself most in is Natalie Portman's, minus the stripper job of course.
Clive Owen's character is a justified asshole. Jude Law is sort of a pushover puppy who is sensitive.

hmm

i wikipedia'd Thomas M. Disch because i really liked his short story The Squirrel Cage. apparently he committed suicide July 5 of this year.

how crazy

What is this contradiction called a pomegranate? The pomegranate is sweet, but the pomegranate is tart. The pomegranate is tough and wrinkled, but when cut open it glistens with ruby-like seeds.In the Greek myth of Persephone, the pomegranate is called the fruit of the underworld, yet in the Muslim Qu'uran it is called the fruit of paradise.
The inner beauty of the pomegranate has inspired design since Biblical times, and there are some who believe it may be the fruit on the tree of life.

yay for Pomegranates! mmm...

Boy don't try to front i i know just just what you are are are

i chose the activist only for security purposes, to keep away from Uncle Sam.. aka Mother

ha alrighty.
yesterday i was in the studio from 11-5 doing portfolio stuff, but mostly just hanging around and doing nothing while watching others work.

i did hot glue gun a green elephant on the ceiling which i found in the garbage :) Kit named him Francis.

it was quite fun and once Hannah signed in her portfolio's we headed over to my house where we looked through all my books, pictures, everything etc. oh but first, we peeled a pomegranate and ate the seeds while we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and drank tea from London =)
she ended up staying over which was fun. we watched some videos from Italy and London this summer.

then today at noon my cousin picked us up, dropped off Hannah, then we went to lunch and then i helped her pick out glasses.

it's been a pretty alright weekend. actually, really good. and to think i'm done classes and all i have to worry about is studying, is awesome. at least, i hope that's all i worry about :P

so i tend to be wishy-washy when it comes to politics because i hated social class and almost failed it every year and i don't know all the information,

check this out http://www.ndp.ca/press/coalition-for-change-statement-by-jack-layton

i always rooted for NDP over the other major ones (although i always vote green ha) but i never enjoyed the idea of a coalition. reading and watching the stuff on that page sorta swayed me

ah yes
i definitely felt the pain today sitting in that chair. but for once, i was not feeling self conscious because what makes me self conscious is what i was there for.

'twas a good feeling

so what is up with this coalition government shit?

i mean, when i first heard it i entertained the thought of being for or against it. and although i'm not conservative in any way, having 3 different platforms running Canada is something I sure as hell don't want. who the heck wants Dion to be prime minister?!
how nuts is that.

i'd say, sure, go for it NDP.. i am all for socialism, but to say yes to Dion as well?! that's ridiculous. i mean, Canada is first and foremost a democratic country. we, the people, have the most important say in what happens. we all voted, fair and square, even if i did not want Conservative to win, and that's how the votes should stay.

and to even think that the coalition will get along? yeah fucking right!
maybe i don't know all the information there is to know, but all i know is that 3 people who stand for different things, cannot run one vast country without causing divisions or conflict between the people or even themselves.

i am an artist.

Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound
I know they're watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking

Your sex is on fire.

activities during Christmas break:
-paint my shoes
-paint
-read
-get school stuff organized
-snowboard
-watch all the movies i downloaded and haven't watched yet
-get my room organized
-set up studio area
-get in the habit of going to the gym
-eat pomegranate seeds mmmmm

so tomorrow is my brother's 23rd birthday and my mom's birthday.

today i was sitting in art thinking.
i mentally went over my entire portfolio and then i thought
"i can't wait for Heather to see everything i've done!"
she comes home on December 15th and it's so exciting!

it brings me an overwhelming feeling of happiness thinking about how much i've learned in a semester.. and it's all about things that actually matter! things i actually enjoy! i've built up a pretty decent portfolio for where i'm at and just to think i went into a University art class with no previous art lessons and having a mind-set that "i can't draw" and totally overcoming that and learning that yes, i AM capable of doing this. . . it's probably the most rewarding and healthiest kind of happiness i will ever find.

i remember when i first saw Across The Universe, which was over a year ago now, and just the way he was living with every inch of his walls covered in sketches, it looked so beautiful and free and i remember wanting to live like that. i still want to live like that. it's just funny how things work out because of a notion or whim that presents itself.

i think about my schooling career so far.. if i want to be successful, i have to be creative! i cannot believe how lucky i am to be going to school and have to draw in charcoal, and paint and create things.. no other degree has 4 years of art as a necessity. how did i get myself into something so wonderful.

so so wonderful..

so today fucking ruled!
ha

this morning i picked up Hannah around 11 30 and we went to the studio where we worked on our design projects.
we left around 3:30 and headed to the Royal Bison Arts and Crafts Fair where we bought some Twee (yay for Kelsey!) and scoped out some hot hipsters. we bought Flower Brooches so now i have two lovely Twee flowers, i can't wait to wear my new one !

after that we went to Hannah's where we hung out for a bit and then began making supper. i got to stir the pan of garlic, onions and italian sausage and Hannah cleaned and put away things. then we got started on the salad. we put feta cheese and pomegranate in it. and i learned that pomegranate seeds are AMAZING. i was eating them by the handful. it was fun, i love her family. her brother Simon is 13 and he's pretty funny. her sister Gabrielle is totally cool too and her parents are so chill.

for once in my life, i haven't been worried about being socially awkward. perhaps i'm growing out of it, but perhaps it's just with her family that i'm like that.

anyways, so we all sit down and eat an awesome dinner and then me, Hannah and Gabrielle head down to Stony Plain Road which was closed down for a community film thing. they had projections on storefronts of short films, like ten minutes long. and they had a couple bonfire's going and some of the stores that participated were open and giving away free hot chocolate.

we ended up going in the thrift store where i spent $7.61 on a plate, 4 mugs, and 3 sweaters! what a deal! and then we moved onto the bookstore where i bought Alice in Wonderland and Oliver Twist in these super old looking books and i also bought this other book by Edgar Allan Poe which i look forward to reading during Christmas break.

it was an awesome day, yesterday was an awesome day. tomorrow i'm going to church at 11:30 and then my aunt is making a huge dinner at 5 for my mom's birthday. it's just been a super weekend so far and i even got so much done school-wise.

go me and my car and my friends and my family. i miss Daniel though

geeeeez
today was a good day, was in the studio from 11-4 and i got SO MUCH DONE. my portfolio's are all set so far, and that makes me real happy.
me Calvin and Hannah then took the LRT, me and Calvin got off at Belvedere to my car and we hurried to a construction site place to do our photoshoot, it turned out real sweeet.
we then got donairs and then went to my place where my mom was putting up the Christmas tree. we watched Across the Universe and Calvin got this crazy character voice and we made videos of it and i couldn't contain myself. he is spectacular.

i drove him home around 11 30 and now i am here.

ahh tomorrow another busy day. i need sleep though..

i'm going to start a new project.

a children's book. i doodled a character in Chemistry 30 and i always thought i could base a children's book on him.

i want to so badly. it will be fun, and it can be an ongoing project that doesn't have to have a deadline, so i can work on it whenever i want. i think i will start sketches

today was fun. i went to art history, went to english
went to Hannah's and made play-doh and hung out.

its funny how just when a friend walks out, a new one walks in.
Hannah is the coolest.

ah this.

i don't want to be lonely right now.
i AM DEAD>
so tired
craaaazy
i laughed so hard today
in Design. that i
cried.

i can't even recall why. but it was funny.
and then i realized that
when Amanda laughs really hard, it makes me want to
laugh too.

hold it! i remember. it was about this girl in the other art class who is
mighty obnoxious
and crazy in an awful way
and we were talking about how loud she is
and then Amanda says "look at us, Matt's probably thinking 'i hate those girls they're so loud!'"

i took the LRT with Hannah afterwards, like every single day and i've learned that
those times are fun. it's a good feeling for a socially awkward alien like me to
meet new people and
actually
enjoy
what
they
have
to
say.

because most of the time, i am bored of people. i am bored with myself. i want to laugh like lasagna is funny.
i also am getting to know this girl who works at Second Cup. she is quite cool and we are planning on hanging out once things settle down.


anyways, i like LRT time. and the dance party i have afterwards. everyday on the drive home.

ah school. i watched about 4 episodes of Friends when i got home. i am determined to finish about half of this english essay and then i will relax, drink tea, read some tales and fall into slumber.

tomorrow i'm going to Hannah's to make play-doh

My UN posters! the first is targeted to elementary school kids, and the other one is a more serious, conservative but still edgy poster targeted at high school and up.

"The terrifying thing -- if that's what I mean-- I'm not sure that 'terrifying' is the right word--is that I'm free to write down anything I like but no matter what I do write down it will make no difference--to me, to you, to whomever difference are made. But then what is meant by 'a difference'? Is there ever really such a thing as change?

I ask more questions these days than formerly; I am less programmatic altogether. I wonder--is that a good thing?"

Thomas M. Disch, "The Squirrel Cage"

today i was obnoxious.

i was running on 4 hours sleep and cracking jokes left right and center. i was super obnoxious.
in art, we started with paint. black and white, of course. no color until next semester. my TA who i loathe gave me more reasons to loathe her today. she's this older lady with white hair and she speaks so gentle but sometimes her words are just stabs to my soul. She walks around and when she hovers around my easel i am just waiting to hear what she has to complain about next. it's frustrating because she tells me what's wrong with my stuff before i even have a chance to work on it. she talks for eternity it seems, about how my approach should be different and i stand there with my paintbrush in hand, listening to her and in the meantime the paint on my brush is drying and i am forgetting what it was that i was going to fix before she came around and decided to point out everything wrong about my artwork that isn't even complete yet! ah! it drives me mad.

Amanda laughed at me because the TA was doing her rounds and when she came close to my easel i just dropped everything and ran to Hannah's easel for a quick chitchat so i would avoid listening to her squawk at me.
it was a good class, i guess. i finished painting my 8"x10" styrofoam cup which was..
super fun!
no it wasn't, but i guess it was a good exercise.
speaking of exercise, i need to pay the gym a visit soon. like i'm considering going tonight. perhaps in an hour. maybe go for a 50 minute run like old times with Daniel. i miss him

i miss him a lot.

i actually attended Philosophy today. and i even handed in my completed homework. i figure it's probably too late to smarten up, but better now than never.

in Design, i accomplished a lot. i'm finished Project 7, i just have to finish up some labelling and add details to my objects. and tomorrow i need to buy some modelling clay and start designing my salt and pepper shakers. i hope God grants me some brilliant ideas.

brilliant ideas..

ahh them Socialists. they pull at my heartstrings.

my laptop decided to stop working yesterday, lucky me.
i still have touch ups to do on my UN poster.
it's been an unbelievably stressful weekend ahhh

im talking to my brother on Skype as i type right now
and thank God i sent him some of my files a while ago to look at
because i didn't put them on my external hard drive.
so i'm telling him what i wanted to tweak and he's doing it for me because
this computer doesn't have Adobe Design Premium CS3

ah so stressful
so stressful
i nearly had a breakdown last night/this morning

my mind fails to understand the purpose behind typing black. as in, typing as a black person would talk. as in, taking extra time to type non-existant words so that when the person on the other end reads it, they have to read it over twice and pretend to be gangster in their minds.. just to understand what the heck is going on.

today i accomplished nothing on my to do list. i have a big to do list too. i keep knocking things off.
ahhh its almost the end of November i don't believe it.
i'll worry tomorrow.

always worry tomorrow.

tonight i will watch chick flicks.
and tomorrow i will worry
and accomplish

and give Pablo a telephone call because i love him so. he even sent me a reminder text message ha

it's an entire world i wanna be part of. i've got a real start,
in due time. in due time.

well today was a good day.
and it's been awhile since i said that.

i went to school, bought all the supplies i needed from the art store with the help of Hannah. i had class at noon, and on my way out of the studio i bumped into a certain good looking someone who said hi to me. i said hi back and smiled. it was nice.

i was in the studio until almost 4 afterwards, making new prints and gesso-ing paper for monday's class. my art teacher was in there and everyone was chill, Calvin was there too and it was good times while making art.

then we went ot City Center where Calvin snooped at clothes and deposited his cheque. most girls would put me to shame for walking into a Club Monaco with a guy and not even bother glancing at the women's section. i hate those stores. i stare down at them like they stare down at me.

then we got to my car in Belvedere, and drove to the Canadian Donair place by my high school and had some delicious donairs. after that we drove to Mike's where i got to pour in some of his fish! yay! and i suggested the name Simon for one of them, which i hope he uses. around 6:45 me and Calvin left, filled up with gas, drove through Quarry Ridge and looked at houses, and then headed to my place, where we ate food, got high and watched Running With Scissors. around 11 i drove him home and usually people complain about driving, but i actually really like it. i think the only things that would make me complain about driving is the roads and gas money.

but i am pleased to inform you that the gas station by my house ALWAYS has the cheapest gas prices. it was 76.4 !! i can't believe it. i think the gasoline companies were waiting for me to get my license to lower their prices.

When you're quiet, but your eyes
Are saying everything I need to know
I want to burrow like a sparrow
Dodging alley cats and whiskers
Why do we talk in whispers?
Is it painful hearing voices ring
So early in the morning?

I've been waiting for the day
When I can throw away these numbers
That line my dresser drawers and cupboards
Start me over
Life seems so much slower
With your toothbrush by the mirror
Can I make it any clearer?

And I just might say it tonight
I just might say it tonight
I just might tell you tonight
That I love you
And you should stay all my life

They'll tell you that you'll maybe make it
If you just cut your clothes and change your hair
But I won't fuss and moan
'bout what you wear
I feel so much better
When I read your dirty letters
Just wear your sweaters in the winter
'Cause I wonuldn't want you to get cold
I hope that we're togethre when we're old
I would have sold all my possessions
Never took piano lessons
But baby you're a grand
And I will learn to play the good notes
And tune you up the best I can

And I just might say it tonight
I just might say it tonight
I just might tell you tonight
That I love you
And you should stay all my life

so the entire day i've been in my brothers room.
i moved his drafting table right in front of the big screen and i've been watching So You Think You Can Dance, Friends and South Park all while designing the orthographic projections for my 90's Sandwich. it's been going pretty good, i just have to ask Greig a few questions still. i think i'll spend the rest of the night working on my axonometric exploded projections. i think it'll be more exciting ha.

anyways, so i log onto facebook and everyone's status' are ponderings as to what some sort of flash in the sky was.
i think it's funny that facebook keeps me filled in on what the heck is going on outside of my walls.

anyways, i gotta go put on some cool shows and continue working. i love my school life. seriously.

i think it's the weekends that just suck. i think i'm gonna start hanging out with Hannah more. she's a cool cat

today i met the art/design clan in HUB for 10:30 and we all had falafels.
it all started yesterday in Design when i asked Bryan was putting in his design for a perfect sandwich.

he said he was doing a falafel sandwich. i had heard my brother speak of this food before, saying it was good. i wasn't sure though so i asked Bryan what is was and he said "what are you doing tomorrow at 10:30?"
so a bunch of us decided to eat falafels before art history.
they were yummy.

today in art we did our printmaking. i had a practice print, then i carved out some more of my linoleum tile where i wanted it to be whiter, and then i began my editions.

SO MUCH FUN. after class, Lisa gave us a tour of the Printmaking Lab which is pretty intimidating and huge (the University's is an internationally renowned lab!) but i can't wait to do printmaking as a class. i just wanna get in there and learn. i have no idea how anything works but i just wanna make beautiful things so badly.

i wanna be Andy Warhol and go even further beyond him!

JULY 27, 2008 over Facebook.

your message is depressing. and i wish it wasn't.
i think your trying too hard to find people who are exactly like you. which there arent. perhaps instead of finding someone with the same interests as you, just find people, and discover who their Leonard Cohen is, and learn new things from them.

i sometimes think the same thing... i think once university hits, i'll find people who think just like me. luckily, i ve already found someone who is and thats Breanne and i couldnt be happier that we re best friends. the conversations you and Jesse have seem to be quite similar to what me and Breanne discuss a lot of the time.
but in all honesty, i ve stopped worrying. if Jesse wants a corvette (which i personally think is a RUBBISH car.. you can tell him that if you d like) then let him want it if it makes him happy. i ve come to terms with wanting materialistic things. although it seems completely idealistic and utopian to live completely free without anything tieing you down, it isnt possible.

me and kevin actually talked about this today. we were discussing names of celebrity babies (which seems to be a popular topic with a lot of people), and then we started talking about societies obsession with Hollywood. and it bothers me when regular people talk about how little they care about Hollywood because they have a life. well you know what, i like reading about celebrities, it makes me happy to know whats going on and i like to think its an ok thing. some people have soap opera's, some people have books.. i have an obsession with the film industry and everyone in it.
and i used to think it was uncool, and i'd pretend i didnt care about this and that. and i ve recently realized.. who gives a flying fuck. if it makes me happy, then why not?

and im starting to realize that with other people.. i used to get frustrated when i heard people like Nicole and Josh who seem to have a relationships based on money and appearances until it was exhausting and i figured, if its making them happy then so be it. at least they arent angry and displaying a murderous disposition.
but then i guess, if people were to actually do what makes them happy, i suppose it could eventually lead to a murderous outburst.

ahhh see what i mean? i could go on forever, trying to figure out how people work, and along the way contradicting myself over and over, trying to find some simple sentence that answers all questions.
it doesnt exist because people are complicated.

i think the fact that you havent found someone like you should be a good thing. like me, for example, i didnt know who Leonard Cohen was.. we dont even listen to the same music. but its better that way, because the spectrum of things we could learn from each other is so much bigger!

and yeah there are people who only care about drinking (which by the way, you apparently like doing too, mister haha) and fucking girls, and i sometimes i feel like i am the one who should be enlightening them on how much of the world they're missing out on, but i found that discovering all these different things was so much fun when i found it on my own. if someone had told me about Che Guevara.. or Andy Warhol, i probably wouldnt have listened. perhaps i became so fascinated with it because i took the initiative to get interested.. and i felt like i was the only one in a sea of people who found something amazing.

it reminds me of a conversation i had with a girl ive known since junior high. i cant remember what we were talking about, but i mentioned Cleopatra and she asked me who that was. i thought if i said egyptian queen who was intimate with Julius Caesar, a light would go on but she had no fucking clue who Cleopatra was. i went home and thought about it for hours, how people can walk in this life, not knowing simple things.

makes me wonder, how much i dont even know.

and then that makes me think about my peers and how half of them dont even have real interests.. or havent discovered them, anyway. i always asked people what they were doing in university with such excitement to hear what they had to say and most of the time it was just a lame answer with no spark of anything.

me and kevin talked about this last night, too. i told him that i had never felt happier than knowing i was good enough to be accepted to ACAD and the U of A. i had spent hours upon hours and all nighter after all nighter putting together 2 portfolios of things i had done, while everyone else was going out to the bar and having fun. im an awful drawer and i dont have any confidence in my work so i was totally crazy worried that i wouldnt get accepted anywhere and my life would be over.
to get those acceptance letters in the mail, was the best thing in the world for me and i felt like everyone was missing out on it. everyone else just sent in applications and sat around waiting to see if they were accepted and if they were it was like they knew it all along.
oh, and most of the time, i didnt mind turning down invitations to the bar and whatnot. i actually looked forward to locking myself in my room, putting on some sweet sweet music and just working on my portfolio. i found that i was just happy right there by myself, cutting.. pasting.. creating.. just doing something i love.
and from that i sort of concluded that whatever job i had, i would need to be able to listen to music and sing to it haha. hence why i could never be a writer. i have the ideas and visuals, but i dont have the words to make it nice lol. im a whistle while i work kind of person :P

this is a lot more in depth and personal than i expected, but thats ok. i went off topic, because what i really want is for you to not feel that way about people and life. i always tell myself to go with the flow when i feel like people just arent getting me. also, i drink tea haha. its sort of how my zenism poster came to be...

anyways, i like you a lot and i hope you dont feel like im one of those people who just dont get you. i am positive theres tons of people who feel like you, the difference is that you address it, and other people just brush it off without much thought.

although it was depressing, i really liked your message. i find that i want to know everything about you and how you think and how you work, but i need to pace myself and in due time, i will know. the worst thing is to rush this.

i think i really like you a lot. and i know when all the mushy text messages end, there will be even more to look forward to, with you.

ps. i would stand by you in any revolution.

geeeez louise,
i took some fantastic photos in Italy. i spent hours just looking through photos, and i'm not even done the Italy ones yet.
i am pretty impressed. i can't wait to have a camera back in my hand. it will be GLUED i swear to God.

i want that D90. i can take HD videos, too. how ridiculous will that be

ps

i am totally rocking this brown boy hair MAN

blahhhhhhhhhh
so today i talked to my brother and we talked about my UN posters and i am totally re-vamping them!
if only this computer was faster!

im really excited, they're gonna look pretty neat.
today i ate healthy. didn't go to the gym, slap on my wrist.


i want to get that camera. i want to get my film developed as soon as possible.
my life will be complete if i get that Nikon D90 for Christmas. please please please please

well today is done.
i'm not sure what i have to show for it, after all the complaining i did about stress.
i have nothing to show for today. absolutely nothing, just like most days.

AHHHHH i can't focus. i don't even know how it got to be this late. i think its these 8am-5 pm days that make my days seem so long and unproductive because by the time i get home i am so tired.

good luck for next semester. i finish at 5 everday except fridays.
Mondays and Wednesdays: 8-5 with 3 hours of design in the morning, 3 hours of art in the afternoon
Tuesdays and Thursdays: 11-5 with art history, english and 3 hours of drawing.

how fun, at least i can share my enthusiasm with 9 other cool people. ha

so i looked up Jason Schwartzmann.. with all the time i have on my hands :P

turns out, he formed the group Phantom Planet at age 14! he sings the theme song from The OC called California! he's the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola! his middle name is Francesco! His younger brother is the lead singer of Rooney! he's cousins with Sofia Coppola! his half brother John Schwartzmann is a cinematographer!

i had no idea! this is so exclamation-worthy!

There's an urgency I'm feeling for the first time
It's all mine
Do we dream about each other at the same time?
All night
This might be the only way to talk to you
That's right
It's your ears with the sound that I walk into
Your mind

Is it the party that ain't over 'til it's through?
Is it the wiring that's suddenly blown a fuse?
Is it a chemical that makes this moment true?
Is it the music that connects me to you?

There's a way to get together then I'm gone away
One day
It's a place that all that matters are the notes you play
I say
Simple pleasures when I'm listening it gets me by
Won't lie
When you're singing I'll be with you 'til the exit time
We shine

Is it the party that ain't over 'til it's through?
Is it the wiring that's suddenly a blown fuse?
Is it a chemical that makes this moment true?
Is it the music that connects me to you?
To you-hoo!

Here I was awaiting
Praying for the muse
I'm finally awake and you have
Left me less confused
Maybe now
You will hear me now
I'm just in love
In love with your sound



God Almighty, thank you for Scissor Sisters

oh em gee. i have so many things to do ahhhh

we had critique on my UN posters, i will eventually post my final product because i have some things i can improve on, but they are pretty neat, if i say so myself. i finished carving my linoleum tile for printmaking today and i cut out all my paper and got ready my registration sheet so Art is up to date and going well. i have to start my orthographic projections of my sandwich, and then do my exploded axonometric projections of my sandwich and i'm hoping to have my magazine layouts, my UN posters finalized and my sandwich project COMPLETELY FINISHED. well not the sandwich one because we probably have to do crit on that. and on wednesday he's introducing our 8th and final project (AHHH!!!) and we have to design salt and pepper shakers so i have to start brainstorming on that. geeeeez louisssseeeee.

today i skipped Philosophy again so i have to seriously start reading that damn book so i can at least get a 50% on the final exam. and i haven't been keeping up with my art history reviewing so i gotta do that too. have to have to have to because there's a lot of information to know about the Greeks, Etruscans and the Romans !!!

i have ot start my english essay, too. we should have our first draft done for Thursday but i doubt that'll happen for me. it's ok, she gave us a nice extension for the essay due date and we don't have to hand it in until the day of our final exam. but that means i haveto study for my english midterm too! and i didn't even read half the short stories and finish Wuthering Heights!

i don't know why i'm typing all of this, i should be ACCOMPLISHING

sitting here reading my book with the blinds open and the night time outside, i can see my own reflection.

sitting here looking down into my book, i look up and see a man with outstretched arms.

i look again and see the neighbours barbeque

i watched South Park the other day
and it was all about voting between a giant douche, and a terd sandwich.

i laughed

my face hurts. it has hurt for the past week.

how did i go from being that girl to this wreck. there are so many things i would say if this were a real journal that nobody read.

i only talk about life the way i want it to make me feel.
there's only one person i tell these things to, and he's on the other side of the world.

want to crawl in a hole, and you know the rest..

last night was odd.
it was late, i was crying and then my brother replied on Skype.

i went to the den to go on webcam and i showed him and Heather my hair.

we talked for a bit and then he had to go 'cause they were going to take the train to visit Delft.
when we said bye, i saluted him like they did on 3rd Rock from the Sun, and he did it back and we laughed.
it was pretty great.
i was feeling better so i let myself watch I Heart Huckabees.

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything.
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: Everything!
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
Tommy Corn: It's amazing!
Albert Markovski: I know.
Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.

Tommy Corn: How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?

Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?
Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.
Cricket: Why can't he use the church?
Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered.
Cricket: Like what?
Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?

Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow?
Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
Tommy Corn: What time?
Albert Markovski: Mmm, 1, 1:30.
Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
Albert Markovski: We always do.

Albert Markovski: Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing?
[Albert walks out from behind tree, towards camera. As he gets closer to the camera the scene comes into focus]
Albert Markovski: What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit.

Albert Markovski: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.

Bernard Jaffe: If you look close enough you can't tell where my nose ends and space begins.



it's a good movie, i don't whether to take it seriously or just laugh. it's awesome

italy journal

AUG02.08

In Male`, i found them shoes.

In Trento, we went to the hospital to see Zia Lina who has been in there since Monday for her heart. She looked pretty good unlike the rest of the hospital. it was a nice hospital but walking down the halls I felt like my future was in these people. Sadness. Emaciated bodies and faces. Gagging noises coming from down the hall, I thought someone was dying or calling to God.
It's so sad that my quest went to pieces for the moment. I thought, Fuck shoes. if i don't see this lady ever again in my life, if these are the last words i hear her speak, i will most definitely Fuck the shoes. that didn't even end up happening, because we eventually left, but it was my moment of consideration when i realized i may know one less person on this earth.

i need to fully realize, under all circumstances with no exceptions, that if a person wants something to do with you, they will make the effort. i shouldn't need to ask if they want something to do with me.

ughfugifudsgru

it's this constant feeling i shove desperately to the back of my head. it mostly comes to me Friday nights. i try to watch television, or a movie, but most of the time i'm scared to do so because i might feel too much.

i'm not sure how to explain without sounding like a complete mental case. i think i would be ok with things if i didn't think about HOW i should be feeling. i don't even know how to pinpoint things anymore because i change so often. my mood this morning is different from my mood now, and sometimes i feel really happy and other times, like tonight, i feel like
what's the point.

i fell asleep while watching I Heart Huckabees. it seemed pretty interesting, but i couldn't keep my eyes open. i've been downloading movies like mad and i've collected quite the collection. it is as follows:

A Clockwork Orange
A Scanner Darkly
American Beauty
Chocolat
Dead Poets Society
Gone in 60 Seconds
Iron Man
Maria Full of Grace
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Lady in the Water
Little Miss Sunshine
Memento
P.S. I Love You
Step Up
Wall-E
Amelie
Andy Warhol's Kiss
Basquiat
Daft Punks Electroma
Freedom Writers
Goya
Helvetica
Punch Drunk Love
The Diving Bell and te Butterfly
The Pianist
The Rock
Wicker Park
Shrooms
I Heart Huckabees

it's compulsive. i watch one movie, it makes me feel a certain way that i don't want to feel so i smother it by watching another movie.. or something like that

oh boy, i don't care the consequence of my actions right now.

today i worked on my self portraits.
i went to Philosophy
and at 3 i had my haircut. Amy G gives the best massages

i've been losing a ton of hair, lately. even after she shampooed it she noticed a lot of it coming out and she told me she's never seen my hair do that before. she said it's probably due to stress, but she told me to watch my eating habits and to drink lots of water and to really scrub my hair when i wash it. i'm starting to realize the advantages of having a hair dresser that i go to all the time... she knows when there's something up with my hair. she asked me about Daniel and Heather.. asked if I miss Daniel a lot, and i thought what kind of a question is that ha. Amy G is really nice and when i used to be completely nervous and anxious about going to the hair dresser's, i'm slowly starting to look forward to it. Shanti's just has a really nice atmosphere.

anyways, so the result's of the haircut... well i've never had my hair this short before
it looks to uptight right now in the straight style she gave me, but i am SO excited to wash it and see what my hair does naturally. i can totally fulfill my bedhead dreams, however.

i returned that french film me and my mom watched, after my haircut, and then she wanted me to pick up pizza's for supper.. so i did.

i just woke up from a nap, and i'm beginning to feel anxious. i think i'm going to watch multiple episodes of South Park, and later work on my 5 drawings for my printmaking project. can't wait!

my UN posters are coming together quite nicely.
i am pretty excited to get them printed.

and i already have my idea for Project 7 set. things are coming together. anyways, it's late, i feel like falling asleep to Little Miss Sunshine and Baby and Boots are totally invading my bed.. i better move them before they are permanently situated...

i think it's already too late.
oh the things i do for cats

OCT28.08

the creative energies are flowing right tonight.

i don't want to go down that road no matter how tempting.
i've grown, i feel. it's not
drugs i'm talking about.
it's people.

is it possible to grow out of people?

the tension is definitely present.
he's still around despite all the thoughts
suggesting he wouldn't be. it means
nothing. NOTHING

"i want to enjoy you enjoying me."
i know what he's thinking, he knows what i'm thinking.

OCT29.08

i can't handle pretty, nice or cute. things
aren't like that.
i have to be pretty,
nice and cute for
myself first.
it's working. Please
don't fuck it up
for me.


This page is UGLY

the last Haiku i wrote was on May 12, 2008.

i'm transferring them into my new red notebook from the reuse center
and i am going to continue writing them everyday.

i have too many journals
but i don't care
i want to drown in paper and bindings and ink and paint.
i can't get enough of paper and words

i have my pile of papers which make up journal of Grade 8.
i have my coiled notebook which make up my journal from Grade 9 to Grade 11.
i have the notebook Heather gave me which is half full only, unfortunately, it's a really pretty journal. it's from September 12, 2007 to May 19, 2008.. so basically Grade Twelve.
i have my black sketchbook which goes from May 19, 2008 and it's the one i write in presently.
i have my Dr Seuss notebook from Heather for my To Do Lists.
and i now have my new Haiku journal.

i want to have 500 journals by the time i die. i don't care if nobody reads them. i want them to collect dust and i want them to smell like old paper and i want the pages to be dyed by the sunlight.

Conor once said he'd never seen someone write so much

Everything is beautiful
Let the music carry you
Maybe I will follow you

Nowhere else I'd rather be
When you're lying next to me
Let the music carry us together

oh, Ferry Corsten

We are human, after all. Much in common. After all.

today i had Art History at 11, then i had English at 12:30
my english prof let us out early, so i had to stick around until 2 when Hannah's class was over.
I ran into Kit so we hung out and then we ran into Amanda so we hung out and at 2 we met up with Hannah and we went to the Re-use Center downtown.

it was really sweet, they have so much like... just junk! and all for 2 bucks!
i got a lot of rolls of different kinds of paper, and one roll of wallpaper that i could paint on
i got this yellow coaster for one of my candles
i got a red notebook
a random photograph of 2 candles, which you can see in the new album i've added to the side menu over there >
i got this small painting which is of shitty quality, but it's so random i had to get it.

overall, it was a pretty sweet experience and i'm glad Hannah introduced me to it. i'm also glad it was the first time i hung out with Kit and Amanda outside of the studio.

tomorrow i'm picking up Hannah at 10:30 to proceed to the studio to finalize our self-portraits.

yes, fresh green delivery next friday woohoo

if you want to feel good good
listen to scissor sisters
if you want to feel good right away,
listen to Music is the Victim and Take Your Mama by them.

if you want to feel good good
listen to MGMT
if you want to feel good right away,
listen to The Handshake, Electric Feel and Weekend Wars by them.

thanks

I left my heart in San Fransisco
It's at some motherf-king disco
The people there were dancin' on it
And that's including Miss Matronic

Hell if music is the victim then so am I
Of lovin' and a cheatin' the snake gon' bite
I beg and I scream and I cuss and I cry
If music is the victim then so am I

Of your bad fun
Money's all gone but you need some
Lover's on the phone but they got none
Daddy ain't home from the dog run
And you're ridin' through the city with a shotgun

I left my bag in Pasadena
Where all them girls was doin' Tina
Them bitches sure were crunked up on it
I said I'd rather smoke some chronic

Hell if music is the victim then so am I
Of lovin' and a cheatin' the snake gon' bite
I beg and I scream and I cuss and I cry
If music is the victim then so am I

Of your bad fun
Money's all gone but you need some
Lover's on the phone but they got none
Daddy ain't home from the dog run
And you're ridin through the city with a shotgun

I left my man in Houston Texas
Just before he'd finished breakfast
He said: oh baby fry some more eggs
But I was runnin' on my own two legs

Hell if Jesus had the power than so do I
To rise up from the dead and take up to the sky
I'm buskin' for the money so I get by
And If music is the victim then so am I

Of your bad fun
Money's all gone but you need some
Lover's on the phone but they got none
Daddy ain't home from the dog run
And you're ridin' through the city with a shotgun

when will this stop.
when will this stop.
when will this stop.
when will this stop when wil this stop when wil this stop when whill this stop
whwen will this stop.
when will this tsopt,
when sill this sop
when thill this stop
when will this stop when will this wip when will this whop when will this sotp when will this stop

get the fuck out, you're a fucking loser, you're a loser, your a loser your a loser you r a loser your a loser
fuck you\im tired
let me sleep and stop poisoning my brain

This philosophy paper is a dark grey cloud hanging over my head. i have like a page and a half left and it's taking me FOREVER.

i want to install the sims 2 on the laptop. i'm craving it

well today was spent doing a lot of my philosophy paper.
Breanne stopped by for an awkward visit. what was said, was necessary. i think a few days need to pass for another talk.

it's amazing how skewed your feelings towards someone can change so drastically from a small thing. it's fucked. and i wish it wasn't.

anyways, i picked Calvin up around 4:30, we went to Moxie's where i ate some marvelous sweet potato fries. the ones at Dewey's were WAY better though. then we went to see Changeling.

it was an intense movie. Calvin cried so much, and i thought it was a really sweet thing to see. not many people are that sensitive, and to finally sit next to someone who can feel as much as i can and show it so freely.. it made me really happy.

after the movie, i drove him home, and i drove myself home.
i really do like driving. a lot, actually. i just like how i feel when my doors are locked, i'm cozy in my jacket, i'm warm and i have my music.. i got the Virgin Mary and Rastaman watching over me. i sing i sing i sing.

it feels good. i don't mind travelling distances, then.

i smiled the whole drive back. on the highway i listened to Let It Rock, and sped. and sang super loud. and tapped my feet and danced.

when i drive, i actually dance sometimes

i said i would write later. it is later. i don't know what to write.

supper at my aunt's was awesome, as usual. she made awesome food and it was in the dining room so it was ultra fancy. i think my mom is making a big dinner next weekend. what for? i really don't know.

i got a lot done this weekend. probably more than i ever have in the entire semester.

i think the best feeling ever, besides knowing i have no school for the next two days, is crossing things off my To Do List. Heather gave me this Dr. Seuss notebook and i love stationary and i started using it recently because i couldn't handle a blank notebook sitting around serving no purpose. so i sort of made it into my To Do List book. it's fabulous.

tomorrow morning i am writing the rest of my painful philosophy paper and im meeting Calvin around 4:30 for dinner, 6:30 for a movie (Changeling) and then we are going for tea afterwards.

tuesday i gotta gotta finish my design project, review some art history and start my english reading response. for once, i totally succeeded at managing my time.

go me!

Baby and Boots sleep with me every night, leave in the middle, and come back for the morning. I sit here on my bed with the laptop in my lap and Boots is sleeping against my leg, and Baby is on my couch.

if i become the crazy cat lady,
i don't think i'd mind. cats kick ass

yesterday i was in the studio with Hannah from 11-4:30. 'twas fun. i got a lot done, she re-started one of her self-portraits. i think i'm gonna go again tomorrow just to work on my design project. i am currently working on my philosophy paper, which is going a bit better than i thought.

Tuesday, me and Hannah are going to the re-use center after school at 2. i hope it's everything i'm dreaming of and more.

my dad killed a moose yesterday. Kevin came over yesterday. Kevin is my cousin who lives in Calgary. i can't believe how much him and Conor's cousin, Ryan, look alike. it's weird.

i love junk. i'll probably end up writing again tonight. Shrooms is 80% finished downloading, yay!

today i went to my special appointment. they will be draining hundreds of dollars from my pockets in the next year. i cross my fingers that it will work.

went to school.

went to the studio. then went to Dewey's with Amanda and Hannah and later Calvin joined us, and we ate food there. i tried Hannah's sweet potato fries which were super good, and i had green onion cakes which were also good. we went back up to the studio.

want to hear the most ridiculous thing in the world?!
our studio has no heating and our drafting tables are about 50 years old with the most UNsmooth surfaces, so when we do some of our art projects, the texture from the table is picked up to the project. BUT the engineering building has heated door handles on the INSIDE. i couldn't believe this. i always knew that Design was probably last on the University's priorities, but at least give us art students some heat!!

anyways, after the studio, Hannah brought me and Calvin to the Agricultural building where they have some sort of greenhouse thing with lots of plants and even birds! we did our photoshoot there and it was mighty successful.

tomorrow i'm picking up Hannah around 10:30 to go to the studio. i have to tweak my self-portraits and start my third one. hopefully it's not too bad. when we get tired of self-portraiting, i think we're gonna go check out the Reuse Center by churchill.

Hannah always knows about the thriftiest things. she told me about this Reuse Center, you can get a membership for $20 for an entire year, or you can pay $2 everytime you go. basically, it's the idea of one man's junk is another man's treasure. you just go and look through a bunch of random stuff and hope you stumble upon some golden misfit items. i can't wait to go. i love that kind of stuff. Hannah also mentioned that twice a year the library has a sale in their parking lot, to get rid of books they don't keep anymore. Hannah is brilliant. just brilliant. i told her about the Antique mall, and she's never heard of it, so i plan on taking her there one day. she will FLIP. she told me she needs to get a record player, 'cause she has a lot of records that she buys but never actually buys a player to play them on, so when i bring her to the Antique Mall (which was introduced to me by Heather, miss her!) she will lose it when she sees how many records they have there.

ahh, i love junk

i watched Maria Full of Grace, re-arranged my room, figured out the format for my philosophy paper. this weekend is going to be busy with getting my work done but i can't wait.

tomorrow i have a special appointment, class, then photoshoot.
next friday i'm getting my haircut.

today i got a D+ on my art history midterm... that sucked a lot.
i'm buckling down.

i'm going to sleep where Baby will curl up against my side and purr me a story of how she chased the snowflakes in the air and how she loves me so. i'll dream of life in a different latitude where things are green all day.

"Detlef Schrempf"

And take a little walk when the worst is to come
When I saw you looking like I never thought
And say you're at a loss or forgot that words can do more than harm

The town is gonna talk, but these people do not
See things through to the very minimal
But what's it gonna cost to be gone?
If we see you like I hoped we never would

When eyes can't look at you any other way,
Any other way, any other way
When eyes can't look at you any other way,
Any other way, any other way

So take it as a song or a lesson to learn
And sometime soon be better than you were
If you say you're gonna go, then be careful
And watch how you treat every living soul

My eyes can't look at you any other way,
Any other way, any other way
When eyes can't look at you any other way,
Any other way, any other way

i had quite the productive design class, i'd say. i spoke with my brother on Skype, downloaded Maria Full of Grace, and attempted to actually get something done for my UN posters, but my mind was a drought.

and then BAM
the idea hit me.
i now have an awesome idea for my first UN International Human Rights Day poster which i am targeting at kids.

i learned something about myself, though. once i had this idea, i shut off. i stopped it there and went for it. when Greig was walking around, he came to me and i showed him my idea and we talked it through and he interpreted it a completely different way. i realized that my idea could be worked upon and played around with in so many different ways!

what i learned from this: when i get those BAM moments when an idea decides to just dawn on me, its not the final idea thats dawning on me, it's only a start. it needs to be worked with and explored in every possible way if i want to get my message across in a crystal clear way.

i look back at the past two months and realize i have learned more than i think i have in my entire life. maybe not content-wise, but i definitely learned a ton of things that actually matter. i've surprised myself every single art class, i proved to myself over and over that i am capable, that if i put my mind to it and forget being scared and just go for it, things actually happen! i'm also getting better at explaining myself and observing things more in depth, because when we have Critique's in design, we have to talk about our project and the reason behind why we did things a certain way.. when we have art critique's, we go in groups of 3 and discuss each group members artwork for about 15 minutes, and then we go around the class, one by one, talking about another person's artwork.. what we think they did well on, what we think should be worked on.. etc.

i like it, i definitely have learned a lot.

so here i sit in the studio, i skipped yet another philosophy class. i wouldnt feel so guilty if i just read the textbook.

anyways, yesterday after school i bought three sweaters from Joe. 50 bucks. gotta love Joe.
i went home, neglected my philosophy paper, around 5:45 i left the house, filled up with gas, picked up Mike, picked up Hannah, dropped Mike off at school, drove to the Myer Horowitz to see Sue Johanson talk about sex!, dropped off Hannah afterwards, drove home, watched the Hills. went to bed.. woke up, read, went to bed, woke up, cried, wrote to Daniel, went to sleep.

the sex talk was pretty funny. she's so cute and old, and she talked about sex toys and sex in general. i feel like it's not such a taboo topic anymore. for me, anyways.

i'm listening to Is There A Ghost by Band of Horses. listen to it. download it. hype music it. you tube it. it's very good.

it makes me sad. it reminds me of Daniel and when i said bye to him the night before he left to Holland. i went to his room in sadness covered by anger and i cried and this song was playing on his Mac.

hmmm

the link below, i think, is really quite interesting.
yesterday in Design, Hannah let me borrow two of her AdBusters magazines and i love them so far.
anyways, there was this one page that had all these responses to an article on hipster's that was in another magazine. I went online and checked it out. and i provided the link so you could too.

i'd like to think there's a little hipster in all of us. some of the stereotypes they talked about, i could fit perfectly in. most obvious is my blogging habit. i have also read and enjoyed the magazine Vice, worn skinny jeans, i do love art and culture (my schooling is mainly based on these things for goodness sake!), and i own two analog cameras.

i don't necessarily think "hipsterism" is a bad thing. if anything, this group of people make more conscious decisions than people who aren't "hipster". if a person is aware of their culture and the image they project towards the rest of the world, is that so bad?

i don't think so at all. if it wasn't "hipsterism" i am sure it would be something else that would be complained about. hipster's are simply trying to raise their quality of life, to find more meaning to things and if anything, this sort of attitude should be encouraged.

i'm neither for or against "hipsterism". but then again, i think there's a little hipster in me, just like all of you.

http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html

i just watched The Jane Austen Book Club with my mom. she's read all the books they talked about. there's something about my mother that intrigues me.

looking at her old pictures and stuff she seems to be exactly the kind of person i want to be. i guess the proper way to put this is, she is one of those eccentric people who don't try to be eccentric. i mean, she doesn't wear anything crazy but i think deep down she is this crazy eccentric person who knows how the world turns in her opinions and knowledge. i don't think she ever lives without a book and she is mad obsessed with literature. hmm..

i sent Olivia a text message saying "that's super sketch. lol."
she sent one back saying "you really are an art student"

i bought 4 movies yesterday, and rented one.
the 4 i bought are
1) the jane austen book club
2) toi et moi
3) refugees of the blue planet
4) darjeeling limited

and the rented one is called
5) les temoins

mm foreign films how i love you so. Matt suggested i watch Maria Full of Grace.

sooo this weekend i was planning on writing all about my Halloween and how completely fucked up it was, besides the fact that me and Calvin bonded and dined&dashed at Denny's, but shh about that..

i'd rather not go into details.

today i mastered the art of self-portraiting. well, maybe not "mastered". i still have to work on them, but i am so excited for when they're done!

i get so over-whelmed in art sometimes, like today for example, but i've been learning to just go for it. i can't be hesitant or i'll get nothing done. i can't be afraid to make a mark. and i'm slowly learning and i end up surprising myself with exactly what i'm capable of doing. the feeling i get is so irreplaceable. i came home with a huge smile on my face and showed my parents and maybe they were just humouring with their "wow"'s and "great job"'s but i don't care. it made me feel really good.

i think it's important for people to find that source of challenge that they can overcome and be stupid happy over.

i think it could be the meaning of life.

"today was a good day"

why is that saying so significant?

fucking hell, it was on the back of Lorenzo's t-shirt whilst i was in Italy. i was not enjoying myself there, and my cousins took me out and i met Lorenzo. the italian man who was everything an italian man is thought to be. arrogant as fuck, but he liked talking to me, i liked to listen. he turned around to get me a drink, i look at his t-shirt and it says

"today was a good day". hmm i think, today WAS a good day.

just now, reading the wall posts on Insomniacs Anonymous,
on June 26, 2008 at 1:28 in the morning, i wrote the following:
"BOO FELLOW NIGHT LURKERS!today was a good day and i would like to inform the night of it! woo hoo!"

how odd that i had told myself "today was a good day", before i ever laid eyes on the back of Lorenzo's t-shirt.

today was pretty good.
i went to sleep at 1 am, woke up at 9 am
had art history at 11
and thats where it gets interesting.
we discussed and looked at slides of greek pottery
and it was borderline porn. actually it WAS porn. we all had a good laugh at the greek man balancing a kylix on his boner.

at 12:30 i had english, where Mark Jarman, a Canadian author, came to read to us. he had some pretty funny stories. he talked about his journals a lot, and how when he vacationed to Italy this summer he filled 4 journals. he talked about how he couldn't see his life without writing. that it was a necessary relief for him. and then he talked about how he'll write in his journal by hand, and think it's really good. but once he prints it from the computer he thinks it's absolute shit.

and i totally know what he means by that. i feel the same way! when i read some of the stuff i've written in these 1000+ entries on my blog, sometimes i feel like meaning is lost because the type is so mechanical. when i read my hand written journals i feel like they're so much more grounded.. like they're speaking to me. i notice my printing/handwriting style, how my lines are a little off, how i drastically curl my L's and how i add an extra little decorative loop in my capital W's. and the thickness of the paper and the harsh ink pen i use just add that certain character that is only achieved in hand written documents. i could also totally understand what he meant by not seeing his life without writing. i mean, i'm not one of those people who are ridiculously passionate about literature. i don't aspire to be a writer or poet, and sometimes i'm not really into books either. but after 5 years of writing in a journal and documenting things and collecting myself in pages, i don't think i will ever be able to get rid of this habit. i don't want to either. if anything, it enhances my life. i am able to grow and learn and remember everything i've done.
just the other day, Calvin said to me "OMG! we met on February 12! i was reading your blog and we met on February 12! omg i love you!"
it brings a whole new meaning to living when something like that happens.
if i don't write for a long time, i feel like everything significant that has been happening is just piling on my shoulders until i empty it onto paper. i need to write things down. i need to record my thoughts and feelings because i don't ever want to forget them.
i don't regret anything i've ever written. i mean, i do look back sometimes and am completely repulsed by the subject matter and how lame it is, but if i didn't write that awfulness, i would never realize what i've grown from.
i don't regret writing about infatuations, i don't regret writing my entire journal in Italy as if it were a long letter to Conor because that's how i felt at the time, and it was the best feeling ever and i like to recognize that i did feel that way once.

anyways, after English i LRT'd with Ali and Hannah and i picked up Mike and we went to eat at Tony Roma's. it was nice, just a chill afternoon with a friend. i was starving. i drove him home and came home and watched the rest of Chocolat, tried to nap but was interrupted by Breanne's telephone call.
nothing special happened after that.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow, however

would you like a fucking fucked movie? watch American Beauty. please. i just watched it.

quote from the movie? "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

ok, well maybe a few quotes.. " So, do you party?" "Excuse me? " "Do you get high?"

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

on another note, here's a quote from him.. ".. well yea i'd rather you and me talking be about something nice or pretty or cute like you are."

what the fuck

YES i finally got the internet working on my laptop in the studio.

i am happy to say i am sitting in the studio right now. Amanda to my right and Emily and Hannah in front of me.

=)

OCT19.08 1230 AM

Things are over. The love is lost. was it love? no. it was craze. it drove me crazy. i'm going to start being creative. More creative. writing more about my cats that love me or similar things.
I will inject as much art into my veins as possible, if I want my life to be fulfilled by
1) SIMPLE PLEASURES
2) CREATIVE THINGS
3) RED & GREEN UNDERTONES
4) TEA

then i will make it so.
I will make it so. I will make it so.
I will make it so.

5 candles, 3 pairs of underwear because i am so over ass floss, a Buddha figurine, 5 hair bands, a map of Edmonton, plastic fish plants and a new blue Siamese Fighting Fish that i named Che.

guess what was the cheapest of them all?
the fish.
the living thing.
the product of God was the cheapest. i feel like there's something wrong with that.

post-modernism
non-linear narrative
parataxis - two opposites together, reader creates new image
no grand narrative

the girl who turns red when called upon. she knows, she thinks, if she could only stop thinking red.
merge into this writing like the yellow head... where do i want to start.
kisses me through movie, we drink water. "like" x 1000000000...
& the nodder.

Girl, Gun, ZigZag, i'm not sure who wrote this. "in the back seat of his car, in the parkade behind the new apartments, Robert lays her down, slides his hand under two layers. Puts his lips to hers, inhales carbon dioxide from her mouth. Tastes the breath of her coming."

"I wake up to the alarm radio, beside Anna, the woman i no longer love. ... her nakedness fails to signify what it once did. Now it means practically nothing." i read those words and felt that coldness.

"Gazing at Anna across the dinner table. Robert demands the salt. Idiot, drunk, claiming to be whatever he claims to be."

"She is staring at me and why am I lying like a drunk beneath pine?"

"I can say this without exaggeration: when I met her I fell to my death. Backward down a snowy hill on a black plastic toboggan, watching movies into the early hours of the morning, growing brave enough to touch her hair with fingertips."

"If I ever return, she will dance. Little Anna, let her spill things and break things."

"Anna, only thing I love, I will make you feel the song of my blood. Anna, I have written love poems for your wooden bracelet."

"I have warned Anna never to get close to something that will one day die." I should have read this months ago.

"Anna, this is me drawing a heart on a piece of paper. I know that everybody does it, and it's nothing to look at, but it's the only way I can express this emotion, which has no words to it, only a familiar curvy outline."

"A map with stars on it, of all the places that I want to be with her. Looking out into the clear blue sky, watching Anna rise and I fall."

"I stuff a cardboard panel under my sweater vest and draw circuit boards in marker on my forearms until constellations become untraceable. Why do you draw vivid nightmares in broad strokes? Anna, don't look at me. Don't watch me walk away."

"If I heard her say his name I'd wince, drink myself unconscious, dissociate into molecules. Anna giggles, squeals, takes it in like fresh air, ascending to heaven on the living room floor."

"Anna buys cigarettes for kids."

did you write this?

sorry for the excessive writing, i just can't seem to get everything out in just one sitting.

i have a simple story..
the other day while waiting for the Light Rail Transit, me and Ali began making a list of double T words, because i like the way they sound.

"Button.. mitten.. glutton.. kitten.." and then Hannah joined us and i told her about our list. i look back and it was a simple pleasure, playing with pleasant sounding words.

so these past couple weeks i've been blowing my nose and having charcoal come out. perhaps this means i am a true artist, but breathing in charcoal dust can't be good for me.

on another note, my mother told me yesterday in a boot camp voice "keep Saturday night open because you're dad is going hunting and me and you are going for dinner and a movie."

a date with my mom? this actually makes me nervous. "am i scared to talk to my mom as a real person?" i ask myself. it gives me a queasy feeling. like i cringe in the face of cheese and sap and that's exactly what Saturday will be.

on yet another note, life has been completely unfair to me these past few weeks. unwanted event after unwanted event and i don't know where it will stop. God, if i'm still alive and still able to discover those few joys in life, perhaps all this was necessary in order for greater things to unfold.

i am a strong mother fucking mess. and if i don't feel it, i will fucking make sure to pretend

(i only swear in times of desperation)

today, Joe texted me, "i want to enjoy you enjoying me"

he's currently learning to DJ.

today i had art
then i walked with Olivia for an hour
then i had philosophy
then i sat with Olivia in her Biology class, where Marijuana was discussed and i learned about plants
Madison was in the row behind us
he winked at me teehee
and then we walked, him to the LRT, me to Dewey's and we exchanged numbers.
then i had Design
then i took the LRT with Hannah
then i drove home
then i ate food
now i'm talking to Calvin
i am going to go take a much needed, and much looked forward to nap.

i have to mention Olivia's text messages while i was talking to Joe. she wondered if "sexy time" was going on, and if we were re-kindling our past love. me and Joe just laughed awkwardly.

awkwardly being keyword, i think. anyways, i love Olivia and we're both being Alice in Wonderland for Halloween. ha

so this morning i woke up around 10. i went to the studio and worked on my art project from 11:30 - 2 and then i drove to second cup and hung out with Jamiee and talked to her. i haven't seen her in a while and although there are things that bother me about her, i insisted we hang out next weekend.
i don't know why, but there's something about her that overrides the annoyances.
anyways, i was there until 3:30 and then i drove to my church where i had to help my aunt sell tickets for the harvest dinner. ever since i needed volunteer hours for school she's been asking to help for all the church's dinners, selling tickets. it's fun, i've become pretty good friends with Whitney, who goes to the U of A also and she's in her last semester studying immunology or something. she's pretty sweet, we sell raffle tickets to old people at church together. hahaha

anyways, i left there about 5:30 and met Joe in the parking lot of Tim Hortons. he parked his Mazda next to mine and we just sat in my car and talked for probably twenty minutes. it was nice.

there's an unbelievable amount of sexual tension between us

so i decided to not go to the hall party. i was in bed until about 5 pm. and then i got a bowl of cereal and watched Friends. now i'm here. i'm going to paint in a little bit.

i will adjust the lighting in here, perhaps light some candles.. pick some music and i will paint what i've been wanting to paint for a few days now.

i make a huge sigh. i can't forget what you've already forgotten

ciao ciao

yesterday i picked up Hannah around 9:30 in the morning from around Ada Boulevard which was really nice. my dad used to take me and Daniel around there for bike rides sometimes, and me and Daniel would go trick or treating on Ada Blvd too. it was a nice drive. so i picked her up, drove to the University and we went to the studio to attack our painful art projects.
Bryan was already there.. he had been there since 7:30, and he was pissed off at his drawing. i think it's safe to say that this art project is probably the toughest so far. i hate those days when we walk into class at 8 in the morning and we see this set up of the most random still life. it's so uninspiring and i get overwhelmed, knowing we're gonna have to draw part of it. and this project is tonal so we start off with a mid-grey charcoaled piece of paper and with vine charcoal and eraser, we have to draw the figures according to their lightest and darkest points, paying most attention to the different values.

anyways, i had class at 12 so i had to leave all my things so i could sit in Philosophy, where i tend to chew my nails more than anything else.

after class, i got my usual cheddar and herb bagel with sundried tomato and i walked back to the studio. there, i assumed my position as slave to the charcoal and easel. i have to say, for having had to start my project over, i got quite a bit done, but i have to go back sometime this weekend and get it to about 80% finished for monday's class.

well Calvin joined me in the studio at about 2 and i set up my laptop so he could do his stuff while i did mine. around 4 we pakced up our stuff and drove to Whyte Avenue where we did our week 3 photoshoot. i'm so happy we continue doing these photoshoots, they really take our minds off stressful things and it's a simple, quick process. they take 45 minutes at most and we have fun and we get to experiment with different locations, different clothes.. it's just another creative outlet for both of us.

i drove him to the bank, and then i drove him home and then i drove myself home.
by the time i got home it was about 6, so i ate leftovers and watched Friends. my parents left the house to go to my Aunt's place so i decided to get high and i saw that Breanna was online so i say
"hey what you doing tonight"
and we chat, and i say
"wanna come over and get high"
so i go pick her up from my old neighbourhood and i drive past my old house and we look into my bedroom window which has a light on in it and there's a person in there and i miss that house so much. Breanna says
"i remember that teeny room you had, you had your bed, the dresser, your desk.. you could barely move in there. and you always re-arranged it.. it was so funny."

yeah, that house was a great house. teeny tiny, but very great.

so anyways, we stop to buy lots of candy and we get to my place and get high.. well, i get high, it was Breanna's first time so i don't know if she did it properly haha. we end up just watching television and we fall asleep watching Running With Scissors.

it was a good, relaxing night with a friend i haven't hung out with in ages.

i drove her home at 9 this morning and here i am contemplating whether i should go to this hall party tonight, or if i should stay in and relax. the latter sounds more satisfying to be honest. i wonder what Calvin's up to tonight..

i'm just happy one tank of gas has lasted me exactly two weeks today.. and i still have 1/4 tank left.

Pablo, i miss you, i wish we were together.

Last night, I had a dream
We were inseparably entwined
Like a piece of rope made out of two pieces of vine
Held together, holding each other
With no one else in mind
Like two atoms in a molecule
Inseparably combined

But then I woke from the dream
To realize I was alone
A tragic event, I must admit
But let's not be overblown
I'm gonna try to write a love song
Just a sad, pathetic moan
And maybe I just need a change
Maybe I just need a new cologne

But now I look at love
Like being stabbed in the heart
You torture each other from day to day
And then one day you part
Most of the time it's misery
But there's some joy at the start
And for that, I'd say it's worth it
Just as you play the shortest sharp on me

And if love is just a game
Then how come it's no fun?
If love is just a game
How come I've never won?
I guess maybe it's possible I might be playing it wrong
And that's why every time I roll the dice
I always come undone

i just talked to my brother on Skype for 37 minutes. he's doing good, he was in Amsterdam yesterday for some design function and he printed his portfolio so he can go look for jobs. he met lots of cool people too and he joined a soccer team for fun. he even met this journalist guy who used to live in Edmonton, who went to our elementary, went to Daniel's junior high and went to our high school. he even lived in the same neighbourhood haha. he's a lot older though, and he's been living in Europe for 15 years but he's done articles for Globe and Mail which is crazy. i can't wait to go to Holland this summer.

on another note, Hannah let me borrow her Noah and the Whale CD and this group is so good! whoever is reading this should definitely give Noah and the Whale a listen. my favorites so far are 5 Years Time and 2 Molecules in an Atom.

well i wrote my art history midterm today, it went alright.

i'm gonna go read some philosophy and then paint... tata