pre-occupied with lagging

HOLY FUCK TODAY WAS SO CRAZY.
Psychology was pretty good and then sitting in English they had the announcements on to get out of the school within the next ten minutes. first thing i did was look at Breanne and she had this huge smile on her face and i was like "WTF we get the rest of the day of?!?! i'm going to your place!"
Matt was laughing and in the hallway a cafeteria lady yelled at me to get off my phone. i just started laughing and then me, Breanne and Janelle were waiting for the bus to northgate but we decided to walk instead. it never really phased me as to what was happening because to be quite honest, i was pre-occupied with the thought of being able to get tickets to the White Stripes. the tickets went on sale at 10 this morning. Luckily for me, my brothers girlfriend was getting tickets for a friend so she got me two tickets too. CRAZY HEY. i talked to my brother while waiting for the bus that ended up not coming, and i told him what happened in our school and shit. he told me to be careful and i felt reassured... and then he said he was gonna try to get me tickets haha. that's gonna be an amazing show. 'cept it's June 30th and that's the long weekend when my family's going to Jasper, so i got angry and told my mom that i was getting a job anyways so how on earth would i be able to go to Jasper ??
she makes the weirdest, most non-sensical trips ever. i mean, it's along weekend, 3 days to go to Calgary, Jasper and Banff. i just looked at her and she asked me what was wrong and i just told her how ridiculous that trip is. she always does that too, she crams all these things in one weekend thinking it'll be a lot of fun, when we could just drive around our own city for 3 days and have the same experience... since that whole weekend is probably going to be spent in the van driving from one place to the next.
wow
anyways, as i was saying, me, Breanne and Janelle went to Northgate and we met up with Tyler there so he came with. we went to Breanne's first to get Donnie Darko and then we went to Janelle's. we watched the movie and then when it was noon we watched the news. we missed the first three minutes when the bomb threat at our school was announced apparently. then i said, "wow we're all hanging out and watching the news. we're so old guys." and then i said "hey, what if they close down our school on Monday?!?!" and Breanne just had this smile on her face and she was clapping her hands. that would be pretty sweet, i'm not gonna lie. it was weird 'cause we were watching the movie and Tyler would lay his head on my lap and he held my hand and stuff. and it's cute because we can be like that with each other and know that we're just really good friends. like, i don't think i'd ever have a crush on him 'cause my first impression of him is permanently fucked up haha. but he's like a brother and he tells me to stop chewing my nails.
i find it all quite funny because i missed a whole day of school yesterday, and today we get evacuated after one block. it's been a pretty chill week i must say.

anyways, at 1:15 my mom picked me up and we went to Abbotsfield for my doctor's appointment. got my pills and stuff and then went to guess where????
REITMAN'S hahaha.
seriously, that store is really cool. they have some good stuff in there if you know what to do with it. my mom ended up spending $237 on me :blush:
and you know what the beauty in that is? i bought four pairs of pants, and like 6 shirts. when most people would spend 237 bucks on one single pair of pants
HA IN YOUR FACE :P

lol anyways. my mom thinks i'm a wackjob. simply because of this:

Christine: this place makes me so incredibly depressed. it's like in the movies and they have the depressing department store where only old unfashionable people work who wear the red smocks and the 1920's clip in their curly frizzy old people's hair. where they have the diner's nobody goes to and there's immigrants all over the place. (at this point i looked at my mom with a big smile knowing full well she herself is an immigrant)
Mom: you're really...
Christine: hey it's just what i see. but go on, what am i?
Mom: close-minded
Christine: hey now, i wouldn't call myself that. i am so not close-minded.
that's kind of a close-minded statement isn't it? weird how that works...

and previous to that in Safeway waiting for my pills to be ready...

Christine: *pointing at chair* that's where i was sitting when i thought i was going to pass out. hugging the milk jug. i point that out everytime i come here.
Mom: yes you do.
Christine: *sits down*
Mom: i think i'll check my blood pressure while we wait. *sits down in chair and checks blood pressure*
5 minutes pass
Mom: do you want to check yours?
Christine: ME?! no way. last time i did one of those i could NOT stop laughing and i had high blood pressure. plus, it crushed my arm and it was sore the next day.
Mom: they aren't supposed to hurt you.
Christine: yeah well, i probably thought so hard about how it might hurt that it actually ended up being sore.
Mom: that's your problem. you do it all the time. i've never seen anyone like you. usually people want to solve problems, but you want to create them.
Christine: yeah well... *as mom walks away* i think there's something wrong with me.

she always gets mad at me for walking behind her. i've come to realize that i sub consciously walk behind people all the time. in Italy when me and my mom went for walks, i could not keep up with her and i just stayed behind her. it's not that i can't keep up, because she'd slow down so i could catch up and i slowed down too. Breanne even got mad at me once 'cause i was walking slightly after her when we were walking together. i didn't even notice until this summer when my mom got mad at me for it. here's my reasoning behind it: i'm too lazy to pay attention to what's going on so i'd rather lag behind and make the person in front pick the destination so i don't have to worry or think about that.
lol
after that i went home and slept until.. 7 =)

anyways, i got everything out so i shall chat with you laterrrr

sticky notes

i told my mom about the dream i had a long time ago about her being stabbed. she told me that her mom used to say that if you dream about someone dying, you actually lengthen their life. i thought that was cool.
you know how you always hear about old ladies and their superstitions? my nonna and my great aunts are exactly like that. it's awesome 'cause they have all those sayings and stuff like that. when i go to Italy, i'd do something and then my aunt would pull me in and tell me what my great grandmother used to say. it's awesome.

i was listening to a slow song from Bloc Party a few days ago and i turned my head and stared at my couch and images went flying about Mr Mystery hahaha

there's this other guy i see in the hallway, someone who i was involved with last year and i very rarely see him, but ITS SO WEIRD, whenever i do, he always seems to come up in my dreams that night.

crazy

my obituary

the picto-personality test

You are a person who is very calm and kind. You go out of your way to help people who need your help.
When alone, you like to relax and do exactly what you feel like doing at the time.
You are adventurous, always up to do the most extreme things. You have a certain recklessness that makes people very attracted to you.
In the future you will be wise and healthy.

PFFFT

me

do you ever think none of this is for real?
truthfully, in the larger scheme of things
nothing is ever for real compared to something else. it's the end of the world everyday. yesterday's ordeal was no big deal. tomorrow we can only hope isn't dooms day.
we keep going anyways

that's what i told Breanne

i love Breanne because she can be the biggest dork one minute and the next she could look at me seriously and ask me if i think i've changed.
while walking through Northgate today, she asked me, "do you think you're different from how you were in junior high?" i said,
"oh yeah definitely." i looked up at the heavens then said, "actually you know what, i don't really think so." then i consulted the heavens again and said, "well i mean, i guess yeah. of course."
then she said,
"do you think you changed immediately or was it like gradual? like was there something that happened that was like --"
i interrupted, "life changing?"
"yeah."
we walked onto the escalator and i began,
"i 'd say summer after grade nine was when things kind of changed. it's not really a big deal, but it's changed my view on things now. like i went out with that one guy for two weeks. i remember my cousin slept over at my house for like two weeks. she was also the one who gave me my first cigarette. but anyways, she was on my brothers laptop in my room, and i was talking to my boyfriend on the phone and when we hung up on eachother we said "i love you." that's when my cousin gave me this huge lecture on how i don't know what love is and obviously, i was defending myself. a week later he dumped me and wasn't answering my calls. i was with my cousin bawling my eyes out to the point where i almost threw up. i don't think i had ever cried that hard in my life. now when i think back to that, i see myself as a really dumb fifteen year old who thought she loved someone and the whole thing just embarrasses me. i can't believe i cared so much about the circumstances. but that's why i see relationships the way i do now. i mean, there was Stephane.. but he was the only one after Tyler. i always hear my cousins lecture everytime i think about love. it's ridiculous."

that's what i told Breanne.

it never stops thinking

alright so this time's for real.
i could not get to sleep last night. me and my mom discussed Macbeth for a few hours last night we wrote down some important stuff for my essay that i had to write today. then she told me "get to sleep so you're well rested for tomorrow." i gave her the thumbs up and said "ok mother !" well not really, but i thought that was a nice touch to my story. anyways, i go to sleep and after listening to some Bloc Party, i decide, alright i'll go to sleep now. i lay there.
and i lay there. by looking at me you'd think i was resting peacefully. BUT NO
i was thinking about things at the speed of lightening.
it's when you lay in bed trying to sleep and all you can think of is what you're not supposed to think of in bed.
i thought about this summer, and where i'm going to get a job. literally, this is what went through my head:
ok so i want to work at Second Cup, but that other girl works there and during the summer who wants to make coffee all day? wouldn't it get hot? but they wear those cool aprons and the whole idea of working in a coffee shop is cool. but i wanna do something i really like. i love movies, i could work at Blockbuster, not much communication with other people, but what if people ask me a question about a movie and i don't know ! it's not a really intimidating job too. it's in Namao too by Breanne's work so that works out cool. i like music too, i could work at Music World at Northgate or CD Plus at Londonderry. i wonder if they wear uniforms? i'll check it out tomorrow when i go to Northgate. or i'll ask that Jim guy at my school he works at CD Plus. but will i have to know every single band out there? I can't possibly do that. but i'll be surrounded by music all day. maybe i could even pick the songs that are played in the store. what else do i like... Art? i could work at Michaels! thats by Alyssa's work. that would be cool, it's not a very intimidating job but maybe it would get boring. hmm what other stores are there.. northgate.. hmm.. londonderry.. but Breanne wants me to work at Namao. what buses would i need to take to get to all these places.. and if i worked at Namao i could chill at Breanne's before work sometimes. what times would i work ? probably Wednesdays and Saturdays.. Saturdays from 10 - 4.. how many hours is that? *counts on fingers in bed* .. 6 hours, thats pretty good. do they wear uniforms at Blockbuster? and if they have to wear black pants at Second Cup i could wear my skinny ones that look nice. the military men go to that Second Cup a lot. i could say i serve coffee to our troops. how cool is that. i have to get mom to help me with my resume. can you give your resume to more than one place?? and what about interviews?! no boss is going to wanna shake my hand with these ugly chewed nails. he'll think i'm diseased or something. ok starting tomorrow NO CHEWING YOUR NAILS. ooh now i have butterflies because i'm nervous and excited about this summer. and what about summer school hmm...

NO WORD OF A LIE MY FRIENDS, THAT IS WHAT WENT THROUGH MY HEAD WHILE TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP. i wrote down the places i want to work into my cell phone, and realized it was one in the morning and i had an essay to write the next day on Macbeth.

there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with my brain. and i'm totally serious about this. Breanne even said so after i told her what you just read.

damn.

my travels

British Columbia - too many to count
Quebec - x1
Italy - x7
...Milan (Milano) - x1
...Turin (Torino) - too many to count
...Rome (Roma) - x1
...Florence (Firenze) - x1
...Venice (Venezzia) - x2
Germany - x1
Switzerland - x1
France - x1
Monaco - x1

butterflies in my tummy

for more than a couple reasons...

all has to do with Thursday and Friday and the things that's going to happen on those days
and it might even include a person
who i know almost nothing about
except what Jazmin has told me LOL

dammmmn.

song for clay (disappear here)

I am trying to be heroic
In an age of modernity
I am trying to be heroic
As all around me history sinks
So I enjoy and I devour
Flesh and wine and luxury
But in my heart I am so lukewarm
Nothing ever really touches me

At the Trois Garcons, we meet at precisely 9 o clock
I order the foie gras and I eat it with complete disdain
Bubbles rise in champagne flutes, but when we kiss I feel nothing
Feasting on sleeping pills and Marlboro reds
Self-pity won’t save you

Oh how our parents suffered for nothing
Live the dream like the 80's never happened
People are afraid to merge on the freeway
Disappear here

We stroll past the queue, into the magazine launch party
I am handed a pill and I swallow it with complete disdain
Kick drum pounds off beat high hats remember to look bored
We suck each other's faces and make sure we are noticed
The cocaine won't save you

East London is a vampire it sucks the joy right out of me
Dressed like the cover of a magazine. I've aged so in these golden years

i still remember

I, I still remember

How you looked
That afternoon
There was only you
You said it was just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Now every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone wherever you wanted

And on that teacher's training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm
And I could feel our days where becoming night
I could feel your heart beating across the grass
We should have run, I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water

I still remember

in relativity to last entry, creepy

Aquarius - Tuesday May 1, 2007

A few interesting developments could be leading to some new opportunities for you at this time. Be confident that things are going in your direction and try to dispense with any lingering fears or concerns that might be plaguing you right now. Just remember to keep moving forward and making progress.

whiteboard to paper and back again

i am in a dilemma. i may sound like a ten year old but there's a guy at school who i think is really attractive. i only started seeing him randomly at the beginning of semester two. he's worked out at the same time as me a couple times. it's become really weird, though, because there's always those people you see in the hallways that make you think "wow", and that's about it. but i think about this guy as more than just "wow". he doesn't seem like the smiley type, which is why i haven't said hi yet. but it's also because i'm scared i'll be rejected. i've smiled at him a couple times. not directly at him, but the casual under the radar type of smile, like, "oh goodness, i just laughed at my friend's joke and i just happened to look at you while smiling thoughtfully at her joke" kinda thing. haha. then i realized how scared we ALL are of rejection. we don't do a lot of things out of fear that we will be rejected. i'm sure everyone's figured that out by now, but it's never really hit me until recently. i've never had a problem with being rejected. i wish i would just say hi to the guy and get it over with instead of leaving it at random glances in the hallways.

and he has the coolest style too. like today, i was working out and he came in to watch the soccer game, he wasn't working out, he just came to watch the soccer game that was on, which already made him irresistable because i love guys who love soccer. anyways, he has these real rugged looking sneakers that i would probably wear myself. he has a really rugged, mellow, casual look. and he's spanish. i really like south american guys.

anyways. i better put my communication skills into gear one of these days.

i wrote some stuff on my cell phone today:
- chalk boards in the classrooms
- was knowing your weakness what made you stronger
- all up in my grill
- sleeping with feet off the edge
- rejection. fear of it
- episode 50 where heckles dies. I'M LIKE CHANDLER.
- the painted veil with edward norton
- i wanna see half nelson, stranger than fiction, adaptation
- chewed gum looks like a brain

that last one was discovered while sitting at Clareview today waiting twenty minutes for my bus to come. i spit out my gum and analysed it for about 5 minutes. speaking of which, i got my first ETS bus pass today !

i can actually do shit now without worrying about money ! I told Joe she never wants to pick me up anymore. he said she's weening me. i asked him what that meant and he said she's helping me grow up, letting me do things on my own. i love how that sounds. my mom's helping me grow up =)
i love my mom.

i listened to Bloc Party all day today. i fucking love them to DEATH.
i was sitting in Chemistry today and i honestly wanted to shoot myself. i had double. the first block we wrote a test, which i think i did pretty good on, second block i had a slight headache. the one's that suck.
they don't really hurt like sharp pain, but it's so slight that it makes you wonder if you have one or not and you're stuck thinking "ow", and then "why am i saying ow it doesn't even hurt", or somewhere between there.,and she was writing notes and my eyes felt so weak, like they didn't have the strength to move from whiteboard to paper and back again.

last Friday i got on the bus from Belvedere with Breanne and JC. we sat at the back and i saw Joe out the back window. i wanted to get off to see him, so me and Breanne got off at the next stop and ran all teh way back to Belvedere. i got there and turns out his bus was right there so i only actually talked to him for 2 minutes. i was pretty upset and then Breanne said "don't worry about it. if you didn't do it you would've thought about it the whole day. at least you went back and you said hi even if it was just for two minutes."
i should say hi to this guy or i'll be wondering what will happen for months and months to come... or until i find someone new. which, to be honest, i don't really want to do. i am full of lust

the universe just vanished out of sight

try writing his name in the search bar. but the cartoon yellow dog wearing a red collar around his neck can't seem to find. advanced options lets you decide whether he's a document, file or folder. video or music. when was he modified? what size is he? which drive is he located in?

i don't even know who i'm talking about anymore.

i want to go back to Snow Patrol. i listen to their music and i stand on the ground amidst the sweaty people in the dark and i wanna be. so loud and so much going on you can't think of anything else but the amazing music, the way he put his hands in the air and how he was above all else and the light was shining down on him and him only. you could see the shadows of his hands.
damn.

"it's hard to argue when you won't stop making sense and my tongue still misbehaves and it keeps digging my own grave." reminds me of me.

damn. why didn't i enjoy it even more. when you look back on a moment you always think there was more you could have done to enjoy yourself. like, One Hundred Things You Should Have Done In Bed.

maybe it's the beer i'm drinking, or that i stopped overthinking.

bite your lip & fingers no more.

the world seems so small it could fit in our front hall. BLAHH i am bored. i've been writing my outline for my Macbeth essay too. it's pretty good. it should be easy, Macbeth is just so fucked up in the head that it's easy to manipulate everything he did to the unknown keyword.
my mom helps me cram for my tests, and she gets mad at me sometimes and says "i just wish you did all this earlier. you really don't know what you're missing. we're going through the bare minimum right now, and it really makes me upset that you're missing out on everything there is to learn about every single line and what Shakespeare meant by it."
my mom's hardcore. and it does make me sad. maybe i'll read it again in the future and ask her to go into the greatest depth the world has ever known.

i watched some of Running With Scissors last night. i was laying on my brother's bed, neatly under the blanket. flat like wood on wood and then my legs. i felt immobile, that if i moved it wouldn't be neat any longer. i slept in his room last night. i was so sleepy, i couldn't finish watching the movie. i plan to watch it tonight. sometimes i sit there and imagine the presence of someone else i enjoy the presence of. so i'm not there by myself. just being lazy, no talking, just watching and soaking up of the movie's elements. i love movies. but doesnt everyone? maybe not like i do.

sometimes i throw myself over the back of my chair, cracking my back. i stare sat my ceiling and my ceiling lamp with everything else out of view and i 'm always scared i'll tip the chair over and crack my head open.

"i want something that is purer than the water

quickie

thursday: dance competition. apparently we got gold. who woulda thought ? friday: went to Breanne's. did the friday ritual with a new member, JC. not as in Jesus Christ. bussed to clareview, trained to belvedere. SAW JOE OMG MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED AND RACED. went to kingsway. went to her house. went home at 10 pm =) saturday: went to italian school. went to dance. there's not much more to say, besides the fact that i'm almost 100% postively sure that the modern day Shakespeare is Radiohead/Thom Yorke. there lyrics leave me in awe. why ? well, 1) because they're super deep 2) they're so deep i have no idea what they're saying WOW LOVE

mixed emotions

alright. i got lots to catch you up on. in order, i have 6 things.

1) so there's this creepy guy in my life. i saw him for the first time at my brother's design show. he was wearing high waisted blue jeans with a button up shirt tucked into them, he had big beady eyes, looked like he had some sort of mental problem. and he had a balding head of dark hair. he took like 6 of my brother's business cards, an i remember telling my brother how creepy that was. anyways, a few weeks ago, i was at Northgate with Breanne, and i saw THE SAME GUY in the food court. creepy? i think so. AND THEN, last firday me and Breanne went to Movies 12 and THE SAME GUY was there. crazzzzzy i tell you.

2)we have this African substitute for the next week in French. he taught us some African songs in class today and told us his philosophies of life. he's quite a deep person.

3) went to Fresh Start today, hung out with Olivia and Breanne before it opened and had a very delightful strawberry McFlurry =)

4) i had a weird dream last night. i woke up crying. i was in Beverly at my old house. i was on the bus with Lateasha, which was weird, and we got off right in front of my house. we parted ways, and as i walked up to my frton door, a guy and a girl walked up to me holding knives. they asked me "can we break into your home?" i said "no". and just as i pulled out my cellphone to call 911, they stabbed me to death. then it rewound, and i was alive again. they asked me again, and i said "ok you can break into my house" so they did. my mom was inside, and they ended up stabbing her to death. hence why i was crying so much. i don't think i've ever felt so awful in my whole entire life.

5) me and my mom went to Londonderry today, i got this really sweet jacket thing from Army and Navy. i love my mom for that, she buys some clothes from Giant Tiger and Superstore and Costco, and they're like some of the nicest things ever. i even wear some of the stuff she buys from those places. i love her for that. anyways, on the drive home, my mom told me that my dad saw a dead goose on the side of the road one day when he was driving home from work. there was another goose flying in circles above it. the next day, my dad saw the goose standing by the dead goose. and the next day, he saw it standing there still. apparently, geese have life partners. like once they find another goose, they're with that goose forever. isn't that sad though? it definitely made me sad. i mean, do geese have feelings? does she realize her partner is dead? does it make her sad? i wonder...

6) PABLO CALLED ME YET AGAIN TONIGHT. i love that guy with my WHOLE heart. i've talked about him before. my best friend that lives in Montreal? he gives me calls now and then, and we talked for an hour and a half tonight. he graduates this year. it's so weird. i might even have a chance to see him this summer when my family goes down east for a little touring with my uncle who's coming from Italy. that would make my whole summer... no, my whole LIFE.

anyways, it's kinda late, and i am DEAD TIRED. goodnight =)

lame sauce

i've become quite the doodler. i like just sitting there with music, start off by traacing the blue lines on the paper, circles around the hole punches.. draw stripes to connect them.. i do whatever comes to mind, anything and everything. its so much fun. i did that in second block of chemistry today.

it's really neat to see where you take things from the single line or circle that you draw first.

i really should be studying Act 3/4 of Macbeth. i'm really liking how this picture is turning out. maybe i'll take a picture of them one day and put them up here.

i second guess myself too much. way way too much. it screws me over on tests, and in everday decisions just in general.

i really don't feel like writing.
lol

guilty conscience

i'm sitting here typing in a bunch of chemistry definitions into my calculator. and listening to Tai Mai Shu. i'm not sure why, but everytime i type notes into my calculator, i feel sick afterwards, like car sick. it's like i've been concentrating on the letters and numbers and such, that i just get motion sickness or something.

i finally got my French shit together. for this whole semester so far, i've been to class, but not really been there. i missed so much just by day dreaming and such. i asked some questions today and he was just like "whoa Christine, you've been gone for so long. we went over this ages ago."
it's how i function. it's takes awhile and is incredibly innefficient, but that's ok. i wrote myself specific formulas. i hate doing that for languages, which is why i think learning languages in school is sometimes not very good. you learn the mechanics of the language. in order to learn a language, you have to be IN the culture, and not read up on some formulas and rules. it's like you have one bucket of soap, and another bucket of water and a sponge. you're the sponge. the water is your first language. me speaking English is like the sponge being dipped into the water bucket. in order to learn French, which is the soap in the other bucket, i must be dipped into that instead of sitting on the ledge observing the color and viscosity and such.

you know what i really love? Chemistry class. sometimes it's really boring, but i've heard it's a really class, and since the beginning of this semester i've been waiting for all this difficult stuff to happen. maybe it's because i have things written on my calculator and inside the calculator. there's a lot of formulas to memorize, but it's basic math. not much to understand. i have a lot of fun doing it.

as you might have noticed, i changed my layout. it's kinda gay still. but i'll make minor adjustments here and there gradually.

doesn't it bother you when you talk about something really cool to someone, and you see that person with that really cool something the next week ?

me and Alyssa went for donairs today. it was a lot of fun and i caught her up on all the details.

i really love Cosmetology. i'm taking it next year. cosmetology 30. you know how hair salons are relaxing for women, to just go and gossip and be with friends? that's exactly what cosmetology is for me.

today i listened to the Matrix Reloaded soundtracks.

i watched the season finale of The Hills, and i must say i was left anxious. i always feel anxious at the end of a show. ESPECIALLY THE OC. it's like when you leave the house for a period of time and your dog goes nuts with anxiety. i feel abandoned almost. thinking about The OC still makes me sad. how pathetic is that. actually, not very pathetic, since it was a very thrilling exciting show, very worthy of my anxiety.

"alright stop, now before you walk in the door of this liquor store and try to get money out the drawer you better think of the consequence. who are you ? i'm your mother fucking conscience."

"what she tripped, fell, landed on his dick?!"

------------------------------

"'cause i been housing all this doubt, and insecurity. and i've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key and i've been dying to get out and it might be the death of me and even though there's no way to know it..."

hmmmph. most of the time, i think when it's inconvenient to show how you really feel, it's best to stifle yourself.
even when you're asked.

the stars

according to Teen People horoscope of August 2000 (my horoscope bible pretty much), my perfect man is:

Looks: DUDE. rude-boy vibe. skate, ska-style. Fluid body lingo. Radical hair -- the odd dye job , tattoo or piercing.

Personality: CONSCIOUS. visionary. probing. provocative. out of bounds. zealous. exceptional. progressive. humane. lustily longing.

Ideals: CHANGE. rebellion. individualism. self-promotion. clarity. invention. tolerance. temperance.

Ambition: NIRVANA. ending strife. fostering solidarity. solving global problems.

my lessons in two minute intervals

it's like when you're seven years old, you see the older girls wearing high heels.
you beg your mother to let you wear them. to get those platforms and high heels.

i don't like high heels anymore. now that i am able to get them, i don't want them.

it's like when you're eight years old, and you want to go hunting with your dad. he tells you you can join him when you're older.

now that i am old enough to go, i don't want to.

it's like when you're nine years old, and you ask your mom when you're allowed to have a boyfriend. she tells you not until you're in university.

i used to hate that, but i think i finally realize how right she is. i've learned just by living in my own house that high school and junior high relationships really are quite pathetic. unrealistic, too. because of your age and your circumstances, you can't really have a real relationship with someone. having your parents drive you around, talking to them on msn and the phone, holding hands in the hallways... it's all really mediocre.
even the whole getting up early in the morning so you look good for them at school, and even when going out, you put that extra effort into your look... it's all so lame.
it's so so hard to explain what i think about this because it just makes sense to me.
i have a real relationship living under my own roof, and i mean real. my brother and his girlfriend. i've just learned a lot from that because that's how a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is. none of this amateur cookie cutter bull shit.

my current state of mind is as follows:
i wanna meet new people without commitments. i like to flirt and have a good time, and you can't do that with a boyfriend.
i'm sure there will be someone that will make me think differently about this. it's happened before, but of course it didn't work out after awhile. after only one month i felt like killing myself and that i would never get over it. no one should feel that way at this age. well, maybe i'm wrong in saying that. because i learned a lot because of that. there's only two relationships i've had that i really like even to this day. Joe and Pablo. maybe it's because i'm still super close to both of them. but with Joe, it wasn't really a relationship. we were never official, and mayeb that's why it worked out like it did. i mean, i've never been "with" someone for as long as i was with him. september to december. pretty long for me. during that time, though, i sometimes questioned his motives, whether he cared about me or not... now i know for sure that he does, because well, we're still friends even if we're not "together" anymore.

there's been a lot of guys and i feel like i've been telling them all the same lines, the same things. i'm running out of lines.

and i'm not too worried with finding new stuff to say. i know i'm just rambling on. not really knowing what to say but knowing it inside my head. an di'm writing in two minute intervals. sentence after sentence.

i've never felt more happy and powerful. and i can't wait until next weekend to hang out with people i care about most right now. and just the things i'll be doing with them

geese gone wild

heyyya
yesterday was 4/20. went to Breanne's house. slept over actually, we ended up wasting time at west edmonton mall and stuff. 'twas fun.

Alyssa came over to Breanne's too, she had to work at 4:30 though.
Alyssa and me are unstoppable. i almost peed myself 5 times over because we were laughing so hard. Breanne's soap has Gingerbread Man Syndrome.
basically, it likes to run away. i used the washroom and after washing my hands, the soap wouldn't stay put for the life of me. i placed it gently on the side of the porcelain sink, and it moved. i placed it there again, and it moved. it wasn't just gradual movement, it was like you put it there one second and it was gone the next second. i didn't think much of it until Alyssa used the washroom after me and while me and Breanne were in her room, we heard laughter in the bathroom.
once she came out, we were like "what the hell were you laughing at?" and she goes, "oh my God. the soap --" and i blurted "IT MOVES!"
and we were gone by that moment on. fucking funniest thing ever.
and then we were by the lake by Breanne's house, and Tyler was doing some weird shit with fire and paper, and there was like crazy chaos with the geese in the lake. we came to the conclusion that they were either fighting or having sex. Alyssa shouted out "GEESE GONE WILD!" and i lost control.
lately, i've been having a swell time. so swell, in fact, that i don't feel the need to have any significant others (as in boyfriends). in the past, maybe i felt i was missing something and that's how come i wanted a boyfriend frequently. but i'm just having so much fun with the people i have right now, that i feel having a boyfriend is the last thing i need.

anyways, today i had italian school and dance. and on the way home from dance, i saw Tyler riding his red bike beside our van. it was funny. we exchanged funny looks.

genitalia

today in french class, we had a substitute teacher.
this means i sat next to Alyssa, Breanne, Olga, and Sabrina.
i'm not sure how and why but we started talking about genitalia.
went something like this:

Alyssa: smething something somethine genitalia.
... time passes
Christine: sounds like an animal kinda, hey?
Alyssa: genitalia?
Christine: yeah.
Alyssa: umm, if you say so.
.. times passes
Christine: HAHAH i can just see it on the discovery channel. "watch as the genitalia attack each other"
Alyssa: "there they are right now, chasing each other"
Christine: it could be like Steve Irwin "watch as i shove my head in this genitalia, just to see what happens!"
Alyssa: HAHAH
... time passes
Christine: hahahaha holy fuck. i can just see a bunch of penises running around
Alyssa: haha i was just gonna say..

OH YEAH. we were talking about getting our genitalia pierced. and how it's illegal for minors and stuff.
i now realize the word genitalia has the word "italia" in it. weeeeeird.

can you hear me now

so i'm almost positive i'll be deaf by the time i'm 30.
few signs:
1) at random times, it feels as if a bug is crawling in my ear. like you know when you have your hair in your ear and it's kinda tickly? it's like that. i pull all my hair away 'cause i always think that's what's causing this odd sensation, but even when i do that, i still feel it and after sticking my finger in my ear to see if anythings there, i still feel it. my mom cut out an article a while ago talking about hear loss, and that was on of the signs.
2) when i hear trickling water, or really high pitched noises buy themselves, my right ear pounds. like when i turn on the tap, or listen to the beginning of Scream Fly Dream by TATU, my right ear pounds.
3) i wake up in the morning not hearing anything until i unplug them.
4) i confuse what people are saying with things that don't even sound remotely similar.
5) when it comes to iPods, it's never loud enough.
6) lots of ringing in the ears.

it's so bad.

breathe, oh

i don't write everyday.

i talked to Lauren yesterday. we actually hung out at lunch today. it was awesome, it hasn't happened in a long time.

today i was supposed to meet Jordan at northgate, but i got caught up in stuff with Tyler.
i stayed at school until 5:30 with him. we just talked, ordered chinese food, painted his car and just laughed. it's really weird, 'cause a year ago i hated him. i don't hate people, but i hated him lol. now i love the guy. i owe him a ton. then i went to the bus stop and once again, i thought i was going to be lonely, but i talked to gangster Jordan until the bus came. he was in my science class last year. he had a basketball practice or something so he was still at school, we took the same bus to Belvedere. i took the LRT to clareview and then the bus to evergreen and my mom picked me up from there at like 6:10. it was awesome timing, 'cause i barely had to wait for anything to show up. i think i might do that from now on instead of the way i used to.

i just got off the phone with Jordan, my Jordan haha. we talked for 40 minutes =)

and now i'm listening to Breathe by Fabolous.
it's a really sweet song. i'm getting into gangster tunes again.
my favorites right now are:

1) Breathe - Fabolous
2) Overnight Celebrity - Twista
3) Changes - 2Pac
4) It's Tricky - Run DMC
5) My Adidas - Run DMC
6) Whisper Song - Ying Yang Twins
7) Walk This Way - Run DMC
8) Let's Go - Trick Daddy and so on..

they're old but it's not me to like a lot of rap and things of that sort.

i've come to realize that i'm a pretty honest person. like, if i think something negative about something, i usually say it how it is instead of just agreeing with the person for "world peace" sake. lol
i think that's how come people always think there's something wrong with me and they're all up in my grill and hating on me. HA

i just think it's always easier to say what's on your mind for real. i think it happened when i was a kid, i realized people got a kick out of me when i just said things the way my mind made them. a lot of the time, though, i'll start saying something and just all of a sudden, that line of thought is just stopped abruptly. it's like my mind decides to just refuse finishing it off. which is why sometimes i'll say something and then "i don't know." that happened today at my locker. i was with Breanne, she was unlocking my locker and i said something and it went something like this:

Breanne: what ?
Christine: nothing.
Breanne: no, what did you say?
Christine: i'm not sure really. i didn't really say anything.
Breanne: ok
....
Christine: mumbling
Breanne: hmm ?
Christine: i didn't say anything
Breanne: alright, well i gotta go to class.
-walks away-
Christine -closes locker- : what the fuck just happened.

IT PISSES ME OFF. sometimes i'm just so tired i just say random shit all the time. stuff that doesn't even make even a tiny bit of sense.
today in chemistry i was dozing off and i heard Alex's voice and i came back to earth and just stared at him. went like this:

Alex: we have a quiz right now ?
Christine - blinks her eyes finally - : hmm ?
Alex: are you ok?
Christine: yeah why
Alex: i don't know. is there something wrong ? you're really out there.
Christine: i'm just tired. and doesn't everyone doze off once in a while?
Alex: you're always like that though. did you take pills today?
Christine: no..

i actually didn't lol. Alex is so funny though. he was in my math class last year and he's really funny. it's sometimes hard to make him laugh, and when i'm able to, i feel so happy that i made him laugh. it's weird. sometimes the most random shit happens with us. we've been contemplating the sexual orientation of this kid in our class. i say he's straight, Alex thinks he's homosexual. today he tells me to look over at him, so i do, and he's crossing his legs. and i just started laughing.

like, stuff we talk about isn't even funny, but it's just the way things just happen to us that makes it really funny.

oh goodness. my head is POUNDING.

tuesday

Aquarius - Tuesday April 17, 2007

This could be a highly-charged time for you when you'll really feel like getting into as many things as possible. Just try to avoid telling other people what to do. Misunderstandings might occur and things could get a little tense. Just make sure that any issues that arise today don't leave you feeling too stressed out.

nuovo

so i added some new photos to my deviant art gallery.
if you'd like to check them out, just click on "my photography" over there -->

some of them kinda bore me lol

i sleep in a cradle

i cleaned my room today. it looks real good.

i sleep in a cradle. literally. my bed's pushed up against the wall and the back of my couch is pushed against the other side of the bed, so the only way i can get in bed is from the end. and i laid down my pretty blue flower bed sheet and i just threw my pillows around onto it, and i folded my warm blanket at the end of it.
i hate sleeping under those sheets with the comforter on top. and the top is nicely folded down.
i don't think sleeping should be neat. i want the freedom to sleep in whatever shape and form i feel like.

i moved my computer and i finally cleaned it out. i moved all my music off of it onto my brothers portable hard drive and i deleted all my useless pictures, i changed the wallpaper, i deleted all my cookies and unnecessary programs. it's a lot faster now =)

this computer is so old and cheap. i'm actually writing this on my computer, not my mom's.. for once.

i took my curtains off so it's only my window there and nothing else. everything's so neat and tidy and clean, and there's so much more space.

i love this feeling. especially now since i'm listening to Guano Apes =)
i don't really have a lot to say

soooooo

goodbye =)

baby don't let it go to your head

so i downloaded this song by Fefe Dobson (please stifle your laughter) called Don't Let It Go To Your Head.

i just listened to it and i used to get really involved in this song. i'd get butterflies, but feel empty, and get a sick feeling.
maybe i listened to it so much that it didn't do anything for me anymore.

then i thought of the time that it always makes me think of. Tyler. in Tosh's car. on that green bridge that tickles your whole body when you drive over it. he was in the seat in front of me and i had my hands creeped to the front running my hands through his hair and over his shoulders..
i was 15 years old. it sounds so incredibly young it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. when i think back to it i always think in.. i was going to say yellow, but now it seems like the memory looks blue black and blonde. the favorite blue jeans with ripped knees, the black t-shirt with a horse shoe on it and my long blonde hair is what comes to mind when i think of 15 years old.

hmmm.. it reminds me how stupid i was too. i .. i don't even know. oh god.

here i am listening to music that reminds me of 15 years old.
maybe i should start listening to something different so when i'm 19 i can listen to songs that remind me of 17 years old.

that summmmmmmmmer is a milestone for no reason at all.

discotech

young love

i woke up at 10:45 in the am.
Jocelyn came at 12:30 in the pm.

we drove to the movie theater. got some popcorn with dill pickle flavoring and drinks.
we sat in a completely empty theater with nothing on the screen for 40 minutes.
we watched Disturbia. fucking awesome movie. maybe not fucking awesome, but it was for the genre it is. i thought it was going to suck.

then we drove to my aunt's place, took a bathroom break. and then went in her car with her laptop desperately searching for internet connections LOL
it was really funny. we just sat in the car like a block away from my aunt's with a laptop at the steering wheel.

good times with her. we went back to my aunt's 'cause supper was ready.
she made like four pizzas for 5 people. and while we were eating, she was baking cinnamon buns haha.

then Jocelyn had to go to hockey camp.
yeah yeah

that was my day so far. i really wanna watch Troy tonighttttttt. or some kind of movie.
or maybe i'll clean my room.
or change it up. just the thought shoots excitement through my nerves and neurons, dendrites and axons as well.

just downloaded the whole Young Love CD off bit torrent. YESSS love him

iPod stats

6138 songs
158 photos
2 videos
343.2 MB left

=(

light up

i feel like i have no feelings.
does that make sense ?

like those people who feel nothing. those people.. serial killers maybe ?

don't you hate it when you listen to music and you have that emptiness in your stomach
but it feels full of feeling.
..when you're not supposed to feel

i miss the closeness =(

i told Breanne the following:
"it's like i'm rich, and i have multiple bank accounts. i have some money in each
but i'm just waiting for the account with the right rates to come along
so i can put all my money into that one.."
i told you i'm expert at analogies. it's my area of expertise.

i took the train today. i like taking the bus and train by myself. i feel so independent.
how lame.

parent/teacher interviews today. saw my french teacher.
something bad always happens. i usually get angry and my eyes start tearing up at
the embarrassment of my mother getting angry at me in front of people.
didn't happen.

maybe i do have no feelings ? i felt outside my body. well, not really, i felt like my soul was the hand and the glove was the real exterior.. i don't know if that makes even an ounce of sense.
but i didn't feel like me. i laid my head on my hand and nodded, agreed with what was being said about my cell phone use in class, and also my mouth use in class.. (chit chatting)

i can't help it. i truly thought i was improving.

FUCK. why does that get to me. the one guy i thought would fall for me instantly hasn't, and that really gets under my skin.

he's definitely different. but i'm not satisfied until i hit that spot ya know.
it's just because i have no feelings or consideration for most people.

maybe. i had another dream last night. it was so good. i hate it. i had dreams about this person the WHOLE FUCKING SUMMER. i couldn't stop thinking about them, even while in Rome. and yesterday i happened to see him in the hallway, and i had a dream about him again.
it's like relapse or something.
when someone gets over an addiction.. they don't think about it fo ra long period of time, and then they see a trigger
and it's all done for.

all done for.
not really actually. it's not like i feel the same or anything.

but i've been known to be in denial at times. who knows

confusion

so it's been awhile heeeeeeeeeey
ok
well Easter weekend was pretty good. Kevin from Chilliwack (sp?) came up and he slept over one night and we went to see 300 and such. fun times
he left on Sunday after Easter dinner.

one more announcement to make: SNOW PATROL AND OK GO ARE FUCKING AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING
AMAZING

holy fUck. i don't even have the words to describe how incredibly awesome it was. i was like
right at the front basking in their aura's.

i got home from school at 4. Heather was picking me up at 5. my brother's friend couldn't come so i had to call one of my friends to come to the concert. i called Breanne at first, and she had to work so i called up Pascale. Heather came at 5, we got Pascale at 5:15 and then we got some Quizno's and went to Heather's condo by whyte ave. and met up with my brother there. went to the concert, saw Laura from ballet class, Alison, Miranda, Angela, Ali and Stephanie. and then guess who texted me. ROBERT DID. so i hung out with him for awhile.
it's so weird. i saw him and i felt this like weird unusual closeness. it was a year since i saw him last and it's like this comforting feeling.
WWEIRD.

Pascale left me halfway through and Robert was with me. and maybe it was because it was a mesmerizing concert and it was Snow Patrol singing... but we ended up holding hands..
i miss that guy tons.

anyways, today after school Olga drove me and Breanne to Northgate and we had Good Buddy. so instead of working out like i should be, i decided to eat deep fried foods. go me!
went to fresh start at 4, got on the bus at 4:17, switched buses at 5:02
and got home at 5:19 =)

i have to study for chemistry and then watch America's Next Top Model.

so another boy is added to the bunch. totalling 4 males. and you know what that means everybody ?? confusion, selfishness, and .. well some other negative word.

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

fair:
went to see 300 with my cousins today. there's not much to say about it really. by far one of the best movies i have ever seen. i would say that it got to me a great deal, i felt like i just wanted to stand up for something, pick a fight with the person next to me and fight for my seat in the theater, maybe even die for it.
i love Leonidas. i would marry him in an instant.

foul:
Katherine drove me home and she was like "so you excited for Italy this summer?" and i told her the story of how i'm staying here and working instead. and how my brother and his girlfriend got plane tickets without telling me, after knowing i was looking forward to it immensely. i got pretty down. then i get home, wanting to watch a movie or something. i actually really wanted to watch Troy, like so badly since i was in the war lord type of movies, and my brother and his girlfriend are on the bed watching Finding Nemo. the previous feeling of resentment just grew even more. i mean, my brother was going to come see 300 with us, but he had too much work to do, yet here he is watching a fucking movie with someone he's going to spend the WHOLE fucking summer with. i'm not holding back here. i'm tired of holding back, but i love my brother, and i never see him anymore. and i probably won't see him for awhile in the future. i won't see him for a whole two months this summer, and then he's gonna wanna move away and i won't see him then either. THE LEAST THAT CAN HAPPEN is spend time with me or something.

it just angers me to the point of near tears. NEAR TEARS.

the current state of mind

READ IT - Push by Matchbox 20

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
'cuz It's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged you,
And you don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this Baby, baby

baby steps

i don't even know what to write anymore,
i'll just start the ball rolling.

i went to a Design Show tonight. my brother's grad show. the people graduating put all their projects together and it's a big show thing. it was pretty good. i love people that go to those kinds of things, because they all have wicked style and they're all reasonably attractive. seriously.

it just makes me want to be there.
i feel like such a failure sometimes. here's my brother, who's graduating from University as this really awesome, really talented design student who has everything going for him. he has an awesome girlfriend, awesome friends, awesome times, .. i'm just tired of not knowing what's going to happen to me, and i'm tired of here. just high school.

it's just a lot to take in. or maybe it's the other way around and there's nothing to take in.
i'm just here shitting bricks for the future. i'm stuck in this hole almost. i want to get out of here and move on, but i'm too scared to do that.

it's really funny saying really absurd things to my mom, and she thinks i'm serious and starts giving her motherly advice which results in my laughter. i don't know why i laugh, really. it's just funny to see her look concerned and then have that look like she has all the answers. goodness me

my mother wants to see all teachers (minus cosmetology) at interviews. the only thing i'm seriously worried about is French. MR FELICITAS REQUESTED A PARENT INTERVIEW. how bad is that. she took the news quite well, partially because i just have this talent in setting things up. the way i word things, and the stories i tell before-hand and afterwards, make all the difference in people's reactions, i find.

i find myself analyzing every action i make and every thought i think, in hopes that i'll find something that i might be good at. for instance, at this design show, i noticed i didn't really give a crap about what was hanging on the walls, i focused mostly on the furniture and what i could use it for and what settings it would look best in. i also found that i looked at people mostly, too. like their reactions when they saw my brother's projects. what they were thinking and such. i saw an attractive boy and i turned to my mom and was like "that guy's attractive." and she was like "him?!" and i was like "yeah, don't you think?" here is when i interrupted the separated low-key conversations around us with my erruption of laughter. i mean, why on earth would my mother think a guy around my age is attractive. she clearly had no idea what i was laughing at. anyways, he was wearing skinny jeans, nice classic sneakers, a brown shirt with green and orange stripes, he had a nice shortish-longish haircut and he wore bold black glasses. he had a skinny build and just looked so incredible.

sometimes i wonder, myself.

whilst walking through my school hallways after school today, the people in the surrounding area errupted in VIOLENT COUGHS. someone sprayed Bear Mase ( ? ) in our school. it was actually quite funny. it was mostly by my locker, i wasn't really affected by it, which is why i was wondering why everyone who passed by that hallway began to cough violently lol. you can only imagine what was going through my head HAHA. funny stuff for sure.
another occurrence in the hallways, is my scoping out of boys. i don't know, i never used to really look, but now i look guys and i just think there's quite a few attractive males in my school. to this and my past comments, Alyssa stated that Jordan has been gone too long. she clearly disagreed with what my eyes found good.

i worked out today. funny thing about the work-out room, however. even when i go there thinking i'll be by myself, there ALWAYS seems to be someone i know there. many times i've walked there lonely, but there's never been a time i entered it lonely.

anyways, after a shortened work-out, i walked to Northgate and bussed it home. simply because my mom didn't wanna drive all the way to O'leary to pick me up. that's fine though. i loves buses.

so i'm sitting at the back of the bus. there's other girls around me and right in front of me is this HUGE-NORMOUS chick with long black hair, flab hanging out in places i didn't know existed, and holes in her shirt. she would seriously fall asleep every 2:30 minutes. and then she'd cock her head back up with alertness. only to be followed by another drooping of the head. it was a constant cycle. she was clearly a very sleepy female. who was being smirked at by the people around her. unfortunately, including me. i couldn't help myself. once other people start laughing i lose it.

i'm pretty sure i lost about 2% body fat lately. i know this because, well i checked and kept track of my body fat. it's probably pretty incorrect though.

Breanne got a fake. it's her cousins. and it's pretty hysterical. but that's alright. me her and Alyssa will go to Abbotsfield (hometown babyyyyyy) and get alcohol. maybe walk to my old house. maybe see Breanna. should be good.

wrote a test on Act I of Macbeth today. went super awesome thanks to my lovely mother. last night we went through and discussed Act I for like two and a half hours. she taught it like 20 years ago and she still has all the exams and notes and huge file folders on it. that's the good thing about having your mother be an educator as a living.

WHOA HEY. it's Thursday. that means yesterday America's Next Top Model was on. I TOTALLY SO FORGOT GUYS. wow

that's crazy. i'm gonna go watch it now.

i suddenly have a surge of excitement running through my veins and neurons and dendrites, axons as well.

i said hi to her and smiled and wave a couple times. little steps. i love baby steps

674

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY

and this is my 674th entry. WOW

spring break '07

well i woke up pretty late.
after having a long night of confusion and desperation and frustration and

well, pretty much every possible human emotion that could be felt.

today i finished my second book of Religion 35 yay for me. i only have one book left.
my whole day would fall under a big waste of time if it weren't for that, because i basically sat in my brothers bed the whole day and watched like 5 episodes of What Not To Wear, i also watched two episodes of Friends... maybe more. i watched Fashion Television and this show called Hairstyle Confidential.

good day good day. end of spring break 2007 however. it was pretty good though. here is the re-cap:

Saturday: Italian School, Ballet, Miss USA Pageant, Spent time with Daniel
Sunday: went to Breanna's, went downtown, went to see a movie at the cinema
Monday: slept over at Breanne's, had sushi
Tuesday: hung out with Breanne, did some homework
Wednesday: went to fashion show with Tyler and Breanne, did some homework
Thursday: went to fashion show with Heather
Friday: Spent time with Jordan
Saturday: ME DAY. and went to church
Sunday: lots of tv and homework.

bye