whiteboard to paper and back again

i am in a dilemma. i may sound like a ten year old but there's a guy at school who i think is really attractive. i only started seeing him randomly at the beginning of semester two. he's worked out at the same time as me a couple times. it's become really weird, though, because there's always those people you see in the hallways that make you think "wow", and that's about it. but i think about this guy as more than just "wow". he doesn't seem like the smiley type, which is why i haven't said hi yet. but it's also because i'm scared i'll be rejected. i've smiled at him a couple times. not directly at him, but the casual under the radar type of smile, like, "oh goodness, i just laughed at my friend's joke and i just happened to look at you while smiling thoughtfully at her joke" kinda thing. haha. then i realized how scared we ALL are of rejection. we don't do a lot of things out of fear that we will be rejected. i'm sure everyone's figured that out by now, but it's never really hit me until recently. i've never had a problem with being rejected. i wish i would just say hi to the guy and get it over with instead of leaving it at random glances in the hallways.

and he has the coolest style too. like today, i was working out and he came in to watch the soccer game, he wasn't working out, he just came to watch the soccer game that was on, which already made him irresistable because i love guys who love soccer. anyways, he has these real rugged looking sneakers that i would probably wear myself. he has a really rugged, mellow, casual look. and he's spanish. i really like south american guys.

anyways. i better put my communication skills into gear one of these days.

i wrote some stuff on my cell phone today:
- chalk boards in the classrooms
- was knowing your weakness what made you stronger
- all up in my grill
- sleeping with feet off the edge
- rejection. fear of it
- episode 50 where heckles dies. I'M LIKE CHANDLER.
- the painted veil with edward norton
- i wanna see half nelson, stranger than fiction, adaptation
- chewed gum looks like a brain

that last one was discovered while sitting at Clareview today waiting twenty minutes for my bus to come. i spit out my gum and analysed it for about 5 minutes. speaking of which, i got my first ETS bus pass today !

i can actually do shit now without worrying about money ! I told Joe she never wants to pick me up anymore. he said she's weening me. i asked him what that meant and he said she's helping me grow up, letting me do things on my own. i love how that sounds. my mom's helping me grow up =)
i love my mom.

i listened to Bloc Party all day today. i fucking love them to DEATH.
i was sitting in Chemistry today and i honestly wanted to shoot myself. i had double. the first block we wrote a test, which i think i did pretty good on, second block i had a slight headache. the one's that suck.
they don't really hurt like sharp pain, but it's so slight that it makes you wonder if you have one or not and you're stuck thinking "ow", and then "why am i saying ow it doesn't even hurt", or somewhere between there.,and she was writing notes and my eyes felt so weak, like they didn't have the strength to move from whiteboard to paper and back again.

last Friday i got on the bus from Belvedere with Breanne and JC. we sat at the back and i saw Joe out the back window. i wanted to get off to see him, so me and Breanne got off at the next stop and ran all teh way back to Belvedere. i got there and turns out his bus was right there so i only actually talked to him for 2 minutes. i was pretty upset and then Breanne said "don't worry about it. if you didn't do it you would've thought about it the whole day. at least you went back and you said hi even if it was just for two minutes."
i should say hi to this guy or i'll be wondering what will happen for months and months to come... or until i find someone new. which, to be honest, i don't really want to do. i am full of lust