light up

i feel like i have no feelings.
does that make sense ?

like those people who feel nothing. those people.. serial killers maybe ?

don't you hate it when you listen to music and you have that emptiness in your stomach
but it feels full of feeling.
..when you're not supposed to feel

i miss the closeness =(

i told Breanne the following:
"it's like i'm rich, and i have multiple bank accounts. i have some money in each
but i'm just waiting for the account with the right rates to come along
so i can put all my money into that one.."
i told you i'm expert at analogies. it's my area of expertise.

i took the train today. i like taking the bus and train by myself. i feel so independent.
how lame.

parent/teacher interviews today. saw my french teacher.
something bad always happens. i usually get angry and my eyes start tearing up at
the embarrassment of my mother getting angry at me in front of people.
didn't happen.

maybe i do have no feelings ? i felt outside my body. well, not really, i felt like my soul was the hand and the glove was the real exterior.. i don't know if that makes even an ounce of sense.
but i didn't feel like me. i laid my head on my hand and nodded, agreed with what was being said about my cell phone use in class, and also my mouth use in class.. (chit chatting)

i can't help it. i truly thought i was improving.

FUCK. why does that get to me. the one guy i thought would fall for me instantly hasn't, and that really gets under my skin.

he's definitely different. but i'm not satisfied until i hit that spot ya know.
it's just because i have no feelings or consideration for most people.

maybe. i had another dream last night. it was so good. i hate it. i had dreams about this person the WHOLE FUCKING SUMMER. i couldn't stop thinking about them, even while in Rome. and yesterday i happened to see him in the hallway, and i had a dream about him again.
it's like relapse or something.
when someone gets over an addiction.. they don't think about it fo ra long period of time, and then they see a trigger
and it's all done for.

all done for.
not really actually. it's not like i feel the same or anything.

but i've been known to be in denial at times. who knows