my lessons in two minute intervals

it's like when you're seven years old, you see the older girls wearing high heels.
you beg your mother to let you wear them. to get those platforms and high heels.

i don't like high heels anymore. now that i am able to get them, i don't want them.

it's like when you're eight years old, and you want to go hunting with your dad. he tells you you can join him when you're older.

now that i am old enough to go, i don't want to.

it's like when you're nine years old, and you ask your mom when you're allowed to have a boyfriend. she tells you not until you're in university.

i used to hate that, but i think i finally realize how right she is. i've learned just by living in my own house that high school and junior high relationships really are quite pathetic. unrealistic, too. because of your age and your circumstances, you can't really have a real relationship with someone. having your parents drive you around, talking to them on msn and the phone, holding hands in the hallways... it's all really mediocre.
even the whole getting up early in the morning so you look good for them at school, and even when going out, you put that extra effort into your look... it's all so lame.
it's so so hard to explain what i think about this because it just makes sense to me.
i have a real relationship living under my own roof, and i mean real. my brother and his girlfriend. i've just learned a lot from that because that's how a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is. none of this amateur cookie cutter bull shit.

my current state of mind is as follows:
i wanna meet new people without commitments. i like to flirt and have a good time, and you can't do that with a boyfriend.
i'm sure there will be someone that will make me think differently about this. it's happened before, but of course it didn't work out after awhile. after only one month i felt like killing myself and that i would never get over it. no one should feel that way at this age. well, maybe i'm wrong in saying that. because i learned a lot because of that. there's only two relationships i've had that i really like even to this day. Joe and Pablo. maybe it's because i'm still super close to both of them. but with Joe, it wasn't really a relationship. we were never official, and mayeb that's why it worked out like it did. i mean, i've never been "with" someone for as long as i was with him. september to december. pretty long for me. during that time, though, i sometimes questioned his motives, whether he cared about me or not... now i know for sure that he does, because well, we're still friends even if we're not "together" anymore.

there's been a lot of guys and i feel like i've been telling them all the same lines, the same things. i'm running out of lines.

and i'm not too worried with finding new stuff to say. i know i'm just rambling on. not really knowing what to say but knowing it inside my head. an di'm writing in two minute intervals. sentence after sentence.

i've never felt more happy and powerful. and i can't wait until next weekend to hang out with people i care about most right now. and just the things i'll be doing with them