baby steps

i don't even know what to write anymore,
i'll just start the ball rolling.

i went to a Design Show tonight. my brother's grad show. the people graduating put all their projects together and it's a big show thing. it was pretty good. i love people that go to those kinds of things, because they all have wicked style and they're all reasonably attractive. seriously.

it just makes me want to be there.
i feel like such a failure sometimes. here's my brother, who's graduating from University as this really awesome, really talented design student who has everything going for him. he has an awesome girlfriend, awesome friends, awesome times, .. i'm just tired of not knowing what's going to happen to me, and i'm tired of here. just high school.

it's just a lot to take in. or maybe it's the other way around and there's nothing to take in.
i'm just here shitting bricks for the future. i'm stuck in this hole almost. i want to get out of here and move on, but i'm too scared to do that.

it's really funny saying really absurd things to my mom, and she thinks i'm serious and starts giving her motherly advice which results in my laughter. i don't know why i laugh, really. it's just funny to see her look concerned and then have that look like she has all the answers. goodness me

my mother wants to see all teachers (minus cosmetology) at interviews. the only thing i'm seriously worried about is French. MR FELICITAS REQUESTED A PARENT INTERVIEW. how bad is that. she took the news quite well, partially because i just have this talent in setting things up. the way i word things, and the stories i tell before-hand and afterwards, make all the difference in people's reactions, i find.

i find myself analyzing every action i make and every thought i think, in hopes that i'll find something that i might be good at. for instance, at this design show, i noticed i didn't really give a crap about what was hanging on the walls, i focused mostly on the furniture and what i could use it for and what settings it would look best in. i also found that i looked at people mostly, too. like their reactions when they saw my brother's projects. what they were thinking and such. i saw an attractive boy and i turned to my mom and was like "that guy's attractive." and she was like "him?!" and i was like "yeah, don't you think?" here is when i interrupted the separated low-key conversations around us with my erruption of laughter. i mean, why on earth would my mother think a guy around my age is attractive. she clearly had no idea what i was laughing at. anyways, he was wearing skinny jeans, nice classic sneakers, a brown shirt with green and orange stripes, he had a nice shortish-longish haircut and he wore bold black glasses. he had a skinny build and just looked so incredible.

sometimes i wonder, myself.

whilst walking through my school hallways after school today, the people in the surrounding area errupted in VIOLENT COUGHS. someone sprayed Bear Mase ( ? ) in our school. it was actually quite funny. it was mostly by my locker, i wasn't really affected by it, which is why i was wondering why everyone who passed by that hallway began to cough violently lol. you can only imagine what was going through my head HAHA. funny stuff for sure.
another occurrence in the hallways, is my scoping out of boys. i don't know, i never used to really look, but now i look guys and i just think there's quite a few attractive males in my school. to this and my past comments, Alyssa stated that Jordan has been gone too long. she clearly disagreed with what my eyes found good.

i worked out today. funny thing about the work-out room, however. even when i go there thinking i'll be by myself, there ALWAYS seems to be someone i know there. many times i've walked there lonely, but there's never been a time i entered it lonely.

anyways, after a shortened work-out, i walked to Northgate and bussed it home. simply because my mom didn't wanna drive all the way to O'leary to pick me up. that's fine though. i loves buses.

so i'm sitting at the back of the bus. there's other girls around me and right in front of me is this HUGE-NORMOUS chick with long black hair, flab hanging out in places i didn't know existed, and holes in her shirt. she would seriously fall asleep every 2:30 minutes. and then she'd cock her head back up with alertness. only to be followed by another drooping of the head. it was a constant cycle. she was clearly a very sleepy female. who was being smirked at by the people around her. unfortunately, including me. i couldn't help myself. once other people start laughing i lose it.

i'm pretty sure i lost about 2% body fat lately. i know this because, well i checked and kept track of my body fat. it's probably pretty incorrect though.

Breanne got a fake. it's her cousins. and it's pretty hysterical. but that's alright. me her and Alyssa will go to Abbotsfield (hometown babyyyyyy) and get alcohol. maybe walk to my old house. maybe see Breanna. should be good.

wrote a test on Act I of Macbeth today. went super awesome thanks to my lovely mother. last night we went through and discussed Act I for like two and a half hours. she taught it like 20 years ago and she still has all the exams and notes and huge file folders on it. that's the good thing about having your mother be an educator as a living.

WHOA HEY. it's Thursday. that means yesterday America's Next Top Model was on. I TOTALLY SO FORGOT GUYS. wow

that's crazy. i'm gonna go watch it now.

i suddenly have a surge of excitement running through my veins and neurons and dendrites, axons as well.

i said hi to her and smiled and wave a couple times. little steps. i love baby steps