today i went to the studio at 10:30 in the morning. my art professor, Lisa, came at 11:30 to take a look at my portfolio and tell me what needed working on.

i left the studio around 7 pm.
i was there for 8.5 hours. it makes me smile just thinking about it. Bryan texted me at 9 when i woke up asking if i was in the studio 'cause he forgot his key. his girlfriend had to come back and give him his key. i found out the other day that him and his girlfriend own a house together and they're getting married next year. he's gotta be at least mid twenties. he wouldn't give me an answer when i asked how old he was once.

its cool to start to figure these people out. not necessarily figure them out, but see how they fit in my environment. i think i get along best with Hannah. we were so sick of the studio this afternoon, so we went for a drive. in my super Saab. i love that car.

by the way, i love that car. i love being on the road in a moving vehicle. by myself. it makes me smile, i feel like everything's alright. everything is alright though.

i remember near the end of grade twelve i had mounting joy within me because i felt i had a purpose. i had found something i'm good at, something i can work on, something i can grow from and with. and i recently discovered that feeling again. it's the most irreplaceable feeling and the best feeling, by far.

it's when a song just makes sense in the aura you're in at the time, or when the tea goes down so smoothly and good, or when the charcoal works the way you want it to (even when i end up getting charcoal all over my face), or when i realize what fucking awesome friends i have, or when i read lyrics to The Shins songs and decide that is ultimate perfection.

when a series of words come together and make me feel like the grass and the stars are one and i can lay on them both and sing sing sing sing sing and ride a red bicycle or draw something knowing full well that i suck at it, but i don't care i'm going to keep drawing and creating and thinking and figuring and loving and laughing and being who i was all along. those fucking sunflowers on the side of the road in that car with the tobacco smell and the most beautiful kids sleeping up against me in a beautiful country with beautiful history and beautiful air

it will always be there.

and i will always be here in my head where i can run through those fields and sing The Shins and drink green tea and converse with lost connections and stare at the sky

and realize this world is small and God is everywhere and He is always with me and listening to me and totally understanding me like no one will ever understand me.

at the end of the day, i have all this. i have everything at the end of my raw fingertips. i have all the words to sing and all the feelings to feel and all the moments to savour and remember. i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, i have a number one family.

i could write and write and write but my orange juice looks good and i want to drink it up.

drink it all up.

"what is it about art anyway that we give it so much importance. artists are respected by the poor because what they do is an honest way to get out of the slum, using one's sheer self as the medium. the money earned proof, pure and simple, the value of that individual, the artist. the picture a mother's son does in jail hangs on her wall as proof that beauty is possible even in the most wretched, and this is a much different idea than the fancier notion that art is a scam and a rip off.. but you could never explain to someone who uses God's gift to enslave, that you have used God's gift to be free."

i am so happy i watched Little Miss Sunshine. it's now one of my favorite movies.
it gave me such a good feeling of how necessary family is.

My favorite part was when Dwayne spoke for the first time in desperation and anger. he was my favorite character, too.

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

AND Little Miss Sunshine finished downloading! im so excited to watch it!!

and i think i'm going to go live in Holland for 2 or 3 months once school is done. i'm gonna miss my brother. but at least now i can go to Holland =)

well i basically just got home. today was a really pleasant day, nothing really to complain about.
got to school around 11, met with Breanna to give her my resume and we talked for a bit. i think me and her need to have a serious sleepover or something, just like old times. it would make me so so happy, i miss her quite a bit and every time i talk to her, i'm reminded of simple things in life, elementary and how much fun it was.

anyways, we parted ways and i went to the studio. Me and Hannah went to buy our portfolio board and brought it back to the studio and i had to leave my stuff there to go write my Philosophy midterm at noon. how fun.

i got back to the studio around 1 o' clock, and left at around 6:30. it was a lot of fun though. we played MGMT, Norwegian rap, chinese rap, and Matt's Peruvian music while we worked on our projects.

i just love how chill it is, we just sit there, do our projects, joke around, discuss things, listen to worldly music, all while we get to do these projects that maybe are frustrating, but a fucking whole lot of fun to do.

towards the evening it was only me, Bryan, Matt and Andrew and i ended up leaving around 6:30. i drove home with my heated seats, and now i'm here waiting for my Margherita pizza to warm up in the oven.

besides the fact that Daniel leaves on Wednesday, i love how things are going.

my break from studying the meaning of life.
my tea is cooling, my candle is a volcano on it's silver platter
providing a gradual heat for my fake sunflowers.

i haven't consciously drunken tea in a long time.
where you feel it in your mouth, you feel it down your throat
you feel it in your belly
getting rid of all the evil unnecessary feelings that lurk within it.
when i drink tea and smell that candle and wear this green sweater i am
brought back to a few months ago when my life was green. green tea, green candle, green sweater, burn incense.
i surprise myself everytime i meet someone new, how i so quickly evolve, adopting new ideas and leaving behind others.
i want to be mellow again, i want to drink tea and feel it dance in my belly
i want to listen to Bob Marley again and feel everything is alright.
i haven't in a long time.

i went for my first drive today. Heather told me to make it memorable. i didn't really, i picked up Mike and we drove around for about 5 minutes until i drove him back home.
i surprise myself everytime i'm with certain people, how much more alone i feel.

i think my second drive by myself will be my more memorable one. i'll drive towards the river. i'll find it somehow. maybe open the sunroof and listen to Enya or Amelie.

sometimes i stare at my fake sunflowers and ask myself what they do for me.

Bart Simpson played a game with me once, telling me to turn to certain pages of his book to find out the meaning of life. i never found out. the game was a joke. go figure.
i read my philosophy now and every page is an attempt at the meaning of life. Aristotle's theory is that if a human being is fulfilling it's function, it has achieved happiness. and whats our function? it's to be rational, apparently.
another, i concluded, is that an action is moral if it's brings a human being closer to it's goal/end. again, what is my goal or end?
my short term goal is to make it through the night, my long term goal.. well i don't really know what it is without being brought back to the initial question of
"what the flying fuck does it mean to be happy?!"

my personal theory is, who cares.
i wonder if Aristotle was really happy. i wonder if he made sure everything he did was rational, whatever the heck that ultimately means.

if it gives me a moments happiness to stick my finger in hot candle wax and see my fingerprints in return, is that fulfilling my function?
if it gives me a moments happiness to drink this tea, is that fulfilling my function?
if it gives me a moments happiness to put a smile on your face, is that fulfilling my function?

maybe these are all my functions. and maybe i need to do them all to make me happy.

how do you even gauge happiness and what it consists of? it's exhausting to think of.

my personal theory is, who cares. i hope someone smiles in return

well, my plate is completely full and i am prepared to tackle it.

tomorrow there's a show opening for a designer.. i can't remember her name. Greig, my professor, told us about it and said there'd be free food and cheap booze. he always tells us about these designer events, and i haven't gone to one yet. i have no time. it's pretty exciting for me, i find, that us design students get all the heads up for all these really cool events that are going on. i think once life starts settling down (if it ever will), i'll start going to some of these things. maybe meet new people. i don't know why i said that. i never really meet new people, i just like to entertain the thought that maybe i would.

anyways, i have midterm portfolio's due next Wednesday (same day my brother leaves =[ ), i have to start and finish a novel for Tuesday, i have to start studying for my philosophy midterm on Friday, and i have to fix up my essay that's due tomorrow.

i know where i'll be this weekend... in the studio, along with all my other art and design classmates working on the same things. me Hannah and Emily were talking the other day about getting Hannah's neighbours old couch to put in the studio. and Matt today suggested we get a disco ball so we can have dance parties on late nights.

things are starting to look up, i have to say, conversations are deepening with my fellow design students, i'm licensed, i'm awaiting a response from the job i applied to yesterday (starting at 11 bucks and is easy as pie!)

i still find myself thinking about you though

i'm going to find a Buddhist temple in Edmonton and go to it.

if you havent realized earlier, i've made a project list. things i am working on for myself.

here it is as it stand right now:

1) Project Room - goal is to make things flow nicer, more comfortable, arrange a place to put my laptop beside my bed since lately i can only fall asleep with a movie playing, and to create more space that allows me to CREATE!
2) Project Car - i've already hung my jamaican dude and the Virgin Mary from my rearview mirror, but it's distracting so i have to fix it, i have to decide on a name for her, and add knick knacks.
3)Project Shoes - goal is to finish painting the other side of my shoes with the same brown color i did the opposite sides with, and add some decoration or something.
4) Project Spirituality - goal is to start going to church more often, or look into other ways i could fulfill my spiritual hunger.
5) Project Exercise - goal is to start going to the gym more often, or else start going to yoga classes or something.
6) Project Box Painting - i've already collected 4 boxes (cereal boxes, kleenex boxes, etc.) and i'm going to paint them and maybe create some sort of shelving unit out of them.
7) Project Tea Posters - goal is to continue adding tea packets to my posters.. i'm currently working on the 4th.
8) Project Part Time Job - get that fucking student caller job because i need that money!

along with this, i'm going to continue discovering new music, i'm going to organize my school stuff, drink more tea, go out at least once every weekend, get my haircut, save for new glasses, buy new clothes from Gypsy Queen or thrift stores, download every movie i've ever wanted to see, get a new fish..

there's so much i've been wanting to do, and now that this big grey cloud over my head is gone (getting my license) i can finally do them all.

my life changed today.

i drove for about 20 minutes, he skipped half the test ('cause i did the full test run with my instructors a million times), and ten of those minutes were spent on one road getting through traffic.

we pulled into the driving school early, i thought he had cut it short 'cause i failed.

but i didn't. i passed my driving exam, and i couldn't be happier

i've started listening to Cocorosie again.. they make me feel like i'm Amelie. i love that movie, i need to buy it, it makes me feel good.

I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife
All i wanted was to be your housewife
I'll iron your clothes
I'll shine your shoes
I'll make your bed
And cook your food
I'll never cheat
I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet
And for a diamond ring
I'll do these kinds of things
I'll scrub your floor
Never be a bore
I'll tuck you in
I do not snore
I'd wear your black eyes
Bake you apple pies
I don't ask why
And i trys not to crys
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
And its nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to be a housewife
Is to be a housewife
'Cause it's nearly midnight
And all i want with my life
Is to die a housewife
Is to die a housewife

i was up until 2 in the morning watching Freedom Writers.

i was hoping it would have changed my life.
or something.

instead, it made me look bum-chic today, and very very tired.

and it was awful and i hate Hilary Swank.

Breanna wrote this in her blog:

"FUCK #2) what the hell is going on with us right now? No matter how hard i try to fix things or make you see that i'm not going anywhere thats all you ever seem to think of me. I'm not going to disregard you, i've made a lot of choices to get me to where i am in this relationship with you, and for what? So you can continue to think that in the blink of an eye it will all be over? How many times do i have to look you in the eyes and let you know that i want to do this. If i felt like i wanted someone else i would have been gone by now. Look at what happened during the summer. I CHOSE YOU don't you get it? I want things to work but i begin to underestimate my intentions when u constantly think the worst in me. realize that you are good enough so we can move on. realize that i'm here when nobody else is and that you are the world to me. figure things out with ur family and tell them the truth! If they care then they will make an effort to change. you need to solve all those hidden issues before we can get past this and i know your strong enough to do that. I just don't want to lose you because you lose yourself. "


i know you're going to read this
and i know what you're talking about. although it's sort of the other way around... i'm not the one feeling that way, i'm the one making someone else feel that way..

i think i am the epitome of a SPAZ.

i shouldn't joke about it though, 'cause i seriously have some anxiety issues.

seriously.

i don't know why.

i hate sounding like this. i feel like i can;t do anything but cry,.

i need to talk to someone and i don't know who.

you put me in such a bad mood i end up hurting the people around me.

i hate being ignored, i hate not having control over my feelings
i hate being stifled
i hate that everything is for your own fucking benefit..
if i want to talk and you don't want to then we won't talk
if you want to talk we always talk because, well, i could never say no even if i wanted to.

it seems my flaws are always pointed out, and yes i do need to work on them
but that does not in any way mean you have nothing that you need to work on.

i'm tired of giving and not receiving.

i'm pretty sure my two favorite songs above all the rest are Wild Horses and No Woman No Cry.
i wish all my favorite artists did their own version of these songs..

i added more of my bookmarked websites over there under the "below zero" section, there's lots of cool things to see. and hear.

every Friday, me and Calvin are doing a new episode of (UofA)NTM, which stands for University of Alberta's Next Top Model.
it was born today, when we took a million pictures on the stairs of the North Power Plant where my studio is located.

it made me laugh, i really needed it. Calvin is an awesome human being.

October,
i like writing to you, i will address every blog of this month to you.
forgive my beating heart, my chewed fingers and my weak tear ducts.

i scribbled in Philosophy words, and near the end had a coughing attack where you feel an itch in your throat
and i had wished i filled my water bottle this morning. i coughed and coughed
and felt horrible, this bottomless icky feeling in the pit of my stomach like all things of comfort value could fall right through me. they did fall right through me.

i thought of everywhere and everyone i know that have given me a sense of comfort and i revisited them in my head and
nothing seemed good enough. nothing seemed worth the effort.

trying to fill this gap, i came up with reasons. perhaps i need to create this space i wish i had, maybe it's time to change my room again. or perhaps i've been trying to create the perfect person in my head, being let down to find out they aren't perfect, and i need to realize that no one is. or perhaps i have to become more spiritual.

i'm feeling ok right now. when i get my license next week, i intend to explore this city with the money i don't have. i will explore new music specifically for my adventures. i will continue doing things with my hands, and learning more about the people around me.

-Project Room
-Project Car
-Project Shoes
-Project Spirituality
-Project Exercise

anti-anxiety.

sorry October, i take that back,
perhaps you aren't so bad.
i can dance in your leaves.

sorry October, but so far, you really suck.

i bought an alarm clock today
i quit my job today
i get my license in a week
my brother leaves in two weeks
my confidence will hopefully improve as of November 7.

today me and Breanne studied at lakeside, then i got my pay cheque, we ate sushi at mount fuji where i lost my appetite, we drove to shoppers to get an alarm clock only to find out they didnt have any, so we went to Canadian Tire where i made the alarms beep and i bought an alarm clock.

i don't want him to leave..

i can't sleep!

i hate my head
i wish it would stop thinking
and making me feel this awful awful feeling

i wish things were how they used to be. why aren't they ??

i miss the way i used to write.
it only seems to be about events.

i miss the way i used to be when who i wanted to be was exactly who i was..
i am ruined when i fit someone else into the picture.

i need to be that way with someone else or i'll never be happy. i need to ride red bicycles
and talk to frogs more, read draw design more
or before i know it it'll be too late to do the things i wished i did at that time.

i don't want to sleep i don't know if i can but i have to
i fall asleep better sometimes with the light on.

my life will change on October 7th, and it will change again on November 7th. for the better.
for the worse, my life will change October 15th. with all the changing you'll think i've stayed exactly the same,
and i hope you're there for me when the time comes, i don't want to be alone,
i like moments with you.

i painted my shoes tonight, i didn't think i'd finish in one night but i guess after one more layer in about 10 seconds, they will be done. i've sacrificed a 2000 tissue-pages thin textbook for paint and a brush.

my brother started creating things. if i had more time, i think i would too.

Sept.22 2008 1:20 pm

_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

.......
Everyone just seems like a blank slate of nothing. i'm sure they have more to them but i have no interest. why does he have to leave me here by myself.

If i can't make myself happy, how can i make other people happy?

How do i attack this? How do i figure this out? what the fuck is in store for me? do i feel happy? will i ever be happy? what is it to be happy anyways?

the knife is happy if he can cut properly. what is my function? being rational? what does that even mean, Aristotle? i have goosebumps on my legs. in this studio. rely on me. rely on myself. no one can do anything for you. jst write, keep writing. keep figuring, figuring it out. turn off the phone and just be without it, without expecting something, without hope. just be ok with this bubble of what you're doing and soak it all up.

this studio is more comforting than i expected. it's hard to make friends. what opens people up? what makes them know you?

today in Design we had critique.

when it came to the pattern i designed, Bryan said he saw a hint of M.C. Escher in it.

so i can't just write in my blog and not mention last night's events and how fabulous i looked,
and how much i love clubbing with Calvin because he is so good at cock-blocking creepy club guys. it was a really good night, which ended in me being somewhat irritated. but it was nothing a late night McDonald's trip can't fix.. and maybe a very sweet and much needed text conversation 'til 4 in the morning...

i wore Breanne's dress which looked crazy amazing on me (you'll have to check out the photo album on the side named "Calvin's 18th Birthday"), but i was self-conscious at the start of the night simply because i wasn't wearing a bra and let's just say the night was somewhat chilly.. Calvin loves my boobs, though, and when i don't wear a bra, he thinks it's very Au Couture and natural and sexy, and the fact that mine are so little makes him love them even more. ps, he is gay and more feminine than any female i've ever met. oh boy do i ever love Calvin.

anyways, we stroll into The Bank and immediately do birthday jager bombs (i spent $22.75 on 3!) and i had made the sad mistake of inviting Dave to come so i could dance with him. if you remember Dave correctly, he is the one i went on two dates with this year and it never went any further, and he is also the first guy who didn't irritate me when we danced. well, perhaps i was trying to hard to have another moment, because i didn't feel comfortable with him at all, he ended up leaving early which was perfect for me because i just wanted to dance with Calvin and Co. Calvin is an amazing dancer he definitely has the right moves. definitely. and whenever there was a creep creeping behind or around me, he would completely grab me and switch sides and push the guy away with his back. he said he would protect me, and that he did, and i appreciated it. some guy near the end of the night tapped me on the shoulder and asked if i was Miss Universe.. when i said no he asked if i was Miss Canada, or Miss America and i said no and then he asked if i wanted to marry him and i said no, and then he said oh com'on.. and then i awkwardly inched towards Calvin, who was failing at saving me at that specific point haha.

thats a difference between me and Breanne.. if she was in that situation she would have found him charming and a conversation or dance would have flourished as a result, but when things like that happen to me, i feel uncomfortable and the last thing i want to do is look that man in the eyes. which always ends up worrying me, Breanne always manages to disappear with random guys whether it be in a quieter spot, or outside and when i can't see my best friend in the vicinity, i start to worry and i start doing laps until i find her and know she's ok.

i can't help but be a worrier.. i don't want bad things happening to people i care about.

anyways, me and Mike danced for awhile and that was good, i told Calvin to lay off the cock-blocking for that haha.

i don't like the layout of the Bank, at all, however. there's too many things going on, and too many obstacles that it makes it a lot crowded than it actually is and we all know Christine can only take so much of her personal bubble being invaded and pushed around before she's Miss Grumpy Pants. i was incredibly irritated by the end of the night, the consequence of Breanne giving out and smoking over half my pack of slims (without even asking me first) which i had just bought Friday morning, how fucking cold it was, how crowded it was, how sticky the floors were.. the list could continue, but you get my drift.

but i looked fucking good even with a shaving accident on my thigh in plain view, and a huge scratch on my elbow.

i just wanted to put on some pants. on a more important note, what is UP with the US?!

This is a call of arms to live and love and sleep together
We could flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever
Lock the parents out, cut a rug, twist and shout
Wave your hands
Make it rain
For stars will rise again

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

In a couple of years
Tides have turned from booze to tears
And in spite of the weather
We could learn to make it together

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

The youth

(as you can see, I am fucking obsessed with MGMT and their words and beats.)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah

ps, my brother's new glasses look incredibly RAD, its too bad i only get to see them for another 3 weeks...

pps, this tuna, mayo, tomato, and cheese sandwich (on triangle bread!) is perfection

ppps, i can't wait for the Bank.

i came home this morning from a good night on Whyte,
felt gross and took a bath and thought...

instead of asking God to answer my questions, maybe I should ask him to answer the questions of the people i care most about... maybe mine will ultimately be answered.

i have to let it go, this is a needle of time in the massive hay stack of eternity.. it doesn't matter one bit.

and to make things worse, i am a self-righteous cunt bag who should be giving more attention to her best friend who is having a lot bigger issues right now. mine hardly compare.

perhaps i thought he was dead that night, but i should look at it as, at least he's alive. and leave it at that.

live and let live?

in philosophy we talked about self-interest. i tune in and out of those lectures, but i do get interested at some peak moments, fortunately. what got me interested was Ethical egoism and Psychological egoism.. ( i had to grab my binder for that one).. questioning, "are human actions always based on self-interest?" i thought heck yes.

i mean, even when i do something nice.. like just a few minutes ago i cleaned the bathroom, toilet and all, and although i fucking hate doing it, i feel relieved afterwards.. almost a sense of cleanliness, and relief that i won't have to do it again until tomorrow or the next couple of days.
it's just like that, i think.

so right now, i will act self-interestedly and not deal with things that will bring me down.
"you are worth coming back for." am i, really?

hell yes i am.

i don't know what happened,
but i seem to have just discovered my own body.

as i've said earlier, i weighed 155 pounds before Italy,
i now waver between 140-143 pounds and if you ask me, I do not look like i lost 10-15 pounds. (what's weirder, is i've been unexpectedly maintaining that weight... i eat when i want, and i think sometimes i eat too much, but i always seem to be 143 pounds.. i don't understand it. i don't think i'll ever reach 150 again! i mean, that one night at Breanne's i ate SO MUCH JUNK and i still managed to stay this way)

BUT
in the process of figuring out what to wear this weekend, I tried on all my old skinny jeans, and they all fit comfortably! this is so exciting! all i need is spandex to wear under them.. or some underwear that doesn't slide down with the pants, and i'm set!

i am in complete awe right now

man oh man
if whoever reading this has not listened to MGMT is for certainly missing out.
DOWNLOAD A S A P
so fucking good

things are starting to look up despite a situation.
i've gotten in touch with a few people from high school, including Mike, whose always been a pretty good guy despite my bitchiness towards him last summer.

I stayed at school until 6:30, worked on my art and design projects which i have to finish Friday morning. it's nice to just be in the studio.. after classes are over it empties out (even though there are only ten of us to begin with) and it's sort of a nice Oasis. today after philosophy i picked up a multi-grain bagel with sundried tomato (i love it and they had it today, bonus!) and walked to Deweys, got chamomile tea and went to the studio almost an hour early for Design. Hannah, Emily and Matt were up there already so we just talked and i ate my food and i felt so lucky to have this quiet place i could just go to to do anything i want, at any time of the day, on any day of the week.

anyways, Friday after school i'm going to meet Breanne and we are going to go shopping because i need clothes that are suitable for the Bank... meaning i need female clothes, which i have hardly none of. we're gonna end up at Black Dog that night, and hopefully with people i havent seen since graduation, who don't go to the University.. it'll be nice. it's Keith's birthday, too bad he can't play the drums for us courtesy of Black Dog Entertainment. lol
then we will be heading to Calvin's aunts place for his pre-party. i am hoping to get really drunk for once, because I haven't since my 18th, and i'm not sure i was actually really drunk then to begin with.

Saturday night we will be going to the Bank for Calvin's actual birthday party, where we will do birthday jagger bombs (mmm..) hopefully i can handle two nights in a row of drinking.
i can't believe i am speaking in this manner, i never drink, and i hate alcohol that tastes like alcohol.

i shall suck it up, though, it's about time.

Sunday morning i work 7 am -noon (yay) and then i have driving from 1-3:30.. which reminds me, i have to book my driving exam. i am a superb driver by the way, i can't wait to contribute to carbon dioxide pollution in the air.

hopefully my weekend goes as i plan it, i really need it. i am going to stop being a hermit, and i am going to get my head in this game called University.
i will immerse myself in important things, i will marinate my brain in the arts and party people.

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

today sucked, yesterday sucked,
and in all the events that made them sucky (which according to Conor don't qualify as complaints, and i have nothing to complain about pfft)
i felt real lonely.

i'm on facebook, and totally forgot that i always have a best friend i can talk to who is completely out of any situation i'm in.. he's on the other side of the country, actually.

he said "hey you" on facebook and asked how i was. i said "real shitty, can i call you?"

i love Pablo, i really truly do, he is my best friend and there is no doubt in my mind that we are soulmates.

1101st post!

now what really makes me wonder is how come i have so much to say on here, and then nothing to say to people in person.

today i woke up.
got yelled at.
yelled back.
drove to the University to photocopy some of my design project,
drove back home
worked on my project,
cleaned out a huge pile of papers from last year
-just looking through all my Chemistry notes and throwing out every paper that didnt have a cool doodle on it felt so so good. if it was any other time in my life looking at those notes, i would have been worried... knowing i never have to look at another chemical formula or periodic table again gave me the greatest happiness i had ever known. but i kept every piece of paper that had a neat doodle on it.. and i found some random notes i had written during spares.. like journal entries.-
ate supper,
rented Charlie Bartlett with my brother,
got ice cream from Dairy Queen,
watched Charlie Bartlett and disliked it.

sitting here, bored, might watch another movie, or work on all those South Park episodes i have recorded.

tomorrow i have a driving refresher course from 1-3:30, i hope it isn't with Shane, the dumb instructor i had last September.

this whole driving deal is stressing me out so much. i wish i just had my license and this whole thing was over with. i should have gotten it so long ago. ah i hate driving with an instructor.
this may sound weird, but i'd rather the instructor be a robot instead of an actual human being.. this year i'll wear my sunglasses so i feel more comfortable.

this morning i woke up at 9:00, got ready, left the house at 9:50 and drove all the way to the University.

not by myself, of course. my brother was in the passenger seat, and i was really happy that i got to drive my car to school =)

once there, i went straight to the library to start my photocopying for my 2nd Design project, went to the studio to organize my stuff, had class at noon, got out of class at 12:50, went to the studio to pick up all my materials and finished products, trained to Clareview, and came home around 2.

i just ate my late lunch.
i am now going to blast my music, sing, and work on my Design project

yay! i love school an unhealthy amount.

Breanna has told me about her job. I think i might apply. i'll stay at second cup of course, but i want money and i always put off getting a different job simply because i don't want to put the effort into learning the ropes at something new, and meeting new people, and if every job starts out the way second cup started for me, then i want nothing to do with starting a new job.. unless its my career of course.

but she explained it to me, and i've always been jealous of those people who sit at desks their whole shift and get paid so much, and work whenever they want..
when i have to deal with fussy customers, rush hours, chocolate syrup all over me, crusty milk in my hair, burns, on my feet the whole shift, having trouble saying no to shifts, being worried i won't get holidays off...
i'm tired of it. i think i'm gonna work 5 hours a week at second cup, and 5 hours a week at this other job. i'll get 50 cent raise every semester and if i come back next year, they'll start me at 13.50

i want money, and i know Conor would be disappointed in me saying that, but if i can squeeze money out of the government, i will for surely do it!

i'm going to stop dressing like a bum.
i'm going to start doing sit-ups.

my brother is moving to Holland on October 15th?!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT

i downloaded The Subways newest album.

i need up-beat, fast-paced, electro, Hot Chip, Shout Out Out Out Out, Santogold, Ting Tings, Moby-esque music right now.

i really do need

i'm sick
i'm tired
i create my own doom
if i let go
i'd be better off, i know for sure.
not everyone has ulterior motives, stop searching for warning signs. why do i think everyone has ulterior motives?
is it because i, myself, have ulterior motives?
leading me to believe everyone does as well?

i'm not God, i'm just a human, get fucking over it.
i can't be God. i can't be any god.

i should stomp on the fucking egg shells if i want to. i cower in the corner,
always admitting my mistakes, making things obvious, making it clear to everyone when it may have been unclear to begin with.. and maybe to end with.

i dictate my own life, it seems. i dictate negatively, and it ends up likewise.

no more.

i know i've been going nuts with blogging here lately, but i just found the source of DON'T THINK JUST FEEL!

this is so exciting because i could not remember for the life of me, where the heck i got it from.
i was digging through old music, and i started listening to The Subways (love) and i looked up the simple lyrics to She Sun (love) and here they are.. ps, check out the song its brilliant..

She sun does nothing
She won't tell nothing
She changed
She's strange...
Don't think
Just feel it
Keep it
The feelings

She changed
She's strange...

so a bunch of Conor's friends from Drayton Valley are in this band called Sex With The City.
when i first heard them, i thought
ick.
it's totally not my style of music, and a few lines still make me cringe but
being forced to listen to it in the car with Conor so many times,
i find myself going to their myspace to listen to them haha

it's grown on me. WEIRD
you should check them out

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon".
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

school was pleasant today. in art we did a critique on our projects.. mine wasn't very strong. i didn't really like that project to begin with, unfortunately. we started on a new project. we painted in chinese ink with a branch.. we joked we were all getting back to our roots in the paleolithic time period. we're all in the same art history class too, where we looked at some art from the paleolithic, so we all got a few chuckles out of that one..

i had philosophy and drank more water than anything else.

studied for a bit with Conor,
went to design, had a critique. it was cool to see what everyone else did with their projects and how my way of thinking and arranging things compared to their ways. we started on a new project, which looks pretty interesting. i have to come up with two master tiles with two different patterns, and then we have to do a whole bunch of shrinking and multiplying and rotating to make a more complex pattern.

i'm just trying to look through things artsy things i've kept in the past for some inspiration. i don't want to do something geometric.. i want something simple so it won't look cluttered in the final product.. i'm searching arabic letters and different patterns. i think it would be sweet to incorporate some lines and designs from arabic letters..

they look pleasant.

wow i just found the coolest thing! nice pattern...

I certainly haven't been spreading myself around. I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb, But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so I can't stop changing all the time.

i thought he was dead

i just spent an hour looking at old pictures.

i don't know if it's because i took more pictures of social outings then than i do now,
but it seems i might have been a lot more fun back then...

christine,
stop being so greedy
and stop expecting too much.

you have what you wanted,
you have all the time in the world
if not today, then tomorrow
if not tomorrow
then some other day.
things don't need to happen right now.
like what you have because it's what you wanted
all along.

Love,
christine

i want to take more pictures of people.
i'm going to take the camera with me everywhere.

yesterday was interesting.
i worked in the studio from 8:30-11:30.. i had a class at noon, so i picked up some matboard, and the novel Wuthering Heights for english within a half hour, and then i went to Philosophy. thank God that was only 50 minutes. right after class, i grabbed a tea and went to the studio to work again. i was there until 4:00
i got everything done, though.
went to Dewey's which is conveniently located under my art and design studio.. sat with Brendan and Conor for a bit and then went to Conor's. waited a long time for the number 8, but we got there
and ate Delissio pizza.
around 7, Breanne came over and we all went to the fashion show.
Emily met us there, and after the fashion show we went to Churchill for a FREE LIVE SHOW BY SHOUT OUT OUT OUT OUT

yay!
the wild dancer in me, who was trapped since before i went to Italy, was released.

around.. 11:11 we left, and went to Tim Hortons, and then Breanne drove me home.

it was fun, but i always want more.
past tense sucks.

this morning in art i nearly had a breakdown for several reasons:

1. i was over-tired due to the Bloc Party concert last night (i shall elaborate later)
2. the dumb train was packed and was delayed, making me nearly ten minutes late for art GASP
3. we had to draw negative space of the most complicated still life (bicycles with spokes GASP)

ok, so about the Bloc Party concert last night. it was fantastic, minus the shitty sound at Edmonton Event Center. people were crowd-surfing, got kicked to the back, one guy even managed to jump onto the stage and sing with Kele Okereke. i'm pretty tolerant when it comes to crowded crowds, but after awhile, i can't take it. my clausterphobia kicks in and i get frustrated, especially when i'm being squashed into the railing in front of the stage. i have to admit though, pushing back just as hard felt so good. i wanted to elbow everyone in my radius in the face. minus my brother, of course.
Shout Out Out Out Out opened for them, and i had never listened to them before last night, and they were really good. i think my favorite was watching both drummers on different drum sets banging the drums so synchronized. it was truly magical. i practically went nuts. this girl and this guy standing behind me totally rubbed me the wrong way, though.. literally. she was constantly jumping and all i could feel was her crotch on my ass. my personal bubble was completely destroyed last night and it made me agitated lol.

i like my space, unless someone i like is invading it. i shouldn't complain though, it's kind of expected at a concert. i didn't know the layout of Ed's, though, so i couldn't exactly prepare for what happened.

anyways, today i was completely tired and late and upset. Conor's texts made me smile though. i got through my drawing, completing Project 1.3 of Art, and about thirty minutes ago i finished Project 1.3 for Design. things are looking up... tomorrow morning at school i'm going to read English and start sketching for Art.

i am totally using my time wisely! i was the only one in design who had finished Project 1.2, what a keener i am! i definitely enjoy Design a lot more than Art... i have no drawing abilities, though, so that's a given.

but i was freaking out this morning. Projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Art and projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Design are due on Monday and we're going to do critiques.

yesterday in Art History, my focus stayed unbroken for the whole class and i took substantial notes.

i'm so glad i'm doing what i'm doing.. i would have it no other way.

i cut my finger today with the xacto knife.
i felt like a true designer.

so i have lots to say,
and i just sent Heather a jam-packed message on facebook, and a lot of what i said in there is stuff i wanted to say on here, so here are some pieces from her message...

and school is awesome! i really really like it, and maybe i'm speaking too soon, but i'm really enjoying it. first thing that happened on the first day when i got off the train was run into Andrea which was cool.. we were both running late though so we only said hey. and that same day my art class was going on a tour ending at the art store, and on the way i saw Mel which was also cool haha. i also talked to Kelsey when she had a Twee booth in SUB which was cute. and Dewey's is a regular hangout.. me and Conor and our friends are always there and i had my second tea from there today! i had at this morning and my prof is Lisa Turner and our first drawing was blind contour.. drawing the person next to us! me and my partner Matt were the only boy/girl partnership (lol) and i had to stare him in the eyes and draw everything about him. i laughed. it was weird. i have trouble maintaining eye contact with people i actually know, and here i had to do it with a stranger.. and draw! the second drawing we had to do was continuous line with non-dominant hand.. i was a little better, and our third was continuous line with our dominant hand, and it didn't turn out bad at all.. i was pleasantly surprised. our final one was a simple life complex continuous line, and with my viewfinder i was able to get things pretty nicely proportionate. i thought of you when you taught me to mentally measure things and i found it exhausting. i did that for a full 50 minutes and my arm was very sore. it was a good class, though.. i was really hesitant when i started the simple life project, as i didn't want to make any mistakes, but once i drew the shape of the table everything else seemed to follow nicely after.

i had an hour break after art, and met with a friend who i hadn't seen since junior high. i had philosophy from 1-2, and that class i've learned is sort of a bore... and then i had an hour break where i met Conor at Dewey's to study. and then i had design. my prof is Greig Rasumussen and today he even asked me if i had an older brother who did industrial design and i said.. Daniel? and he said Yes! i can see the family resemblance. Say hello to him for me.
which i have yet to do. Daniel will be pleased, he told me Greig is brilliant. so far, he is. i finished Project 1.1 today, which is basically an arrangement of 5 different rectangles (the golden section rec., square root rec., equilateral rec., 2x3 rec., and 1x2 rec.). i still have to do 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 due for monday. it was a lot of fun though, i liked having 3 hours to measure, cut out, arrange, outline and label these rectangles. 3 hours went by superfast and i ended up being the second last person out of the room because i wanted to finish it so bad. and i asked a lot of questions, you would have been proud.. i wasn't even scared to ask. probably because there's only ten people in my class , but oh well. when i had an idea for my rectangles and a cool labelling system, i'd ask Greig what he thought and he told me and i would re-arrange and ask again if it was ok, and at the end when almost everyone was gone i showed him the final product and he said he liked the sharpness of the ink and the corners, and how precise everything was. he even gave me a tip (that i think you gave me a while back) for when i had deep lnes with small amounts of graphite left behind.. use a kneadable eraser and shape one side into a point and manoeuvre it into the pencil grooves of the paper. it was a really sweet class, and even though i spend 6 hours in that studio every monday and wednesday, they always seem to go by extremely fast.

i already plan to stay after class on wednesday to finish another few projects and basically all of friday as well...

tomorrow i have art history and english right after. my at history prof is Santa-Balazs, who Daniel said is "really wicked!" and she seemed it on thursdays class, so i'm excited about that class too. the only classes i'm not so into are Philosophy and English.. but they both really have nothing to do with my degree, so i guess it's a good indicator that i've chosen the right program.

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as you can see, i was the ultimate teeny-bopper.. but i somehow miss some of this

i just logged onto my old accounts on photobucket. i think it's time for a flashback...









oh Communications class with William in grade eleven...

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
Y'know I'm blind so why d'you disagree

(Bridge)
So take me away cos I just don't want to stay
And the lies you make me say
Are getting deeper every day
These are crazy days but they make me shine
Time keeps rolling by

(Chorus)
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
We're gonna make a better day
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
You know it's gonna be o.k.

So what you gonna do when the walls come falling down?
You never move you never make a sound
So where you gonna swim with the riches that you found?
If you're lost at sea I hope that you've drowned

a heart is no place to be singing from at all

fuck it.


i trust you

i'm scared for what might happen to this.
a rub on the back tells me not to worry.. but

i feel so much better knowing i can write.

although i love my classes, i can't help but feel like i'm some sort of imposter, like i don't belong in this environment where people line up for hours to buy textbooks, where people go to school on a huge campus. i think it's gonna end in a week. it hasn't hit me yet that i'm over grade school, this is how schooling is going to be for me from now on. it's weird.

according to me, i'm still ten years old
and i somehow think you'll want to hold my hand forever.

first day of school.

i am dead.

i am excited, though. very very. i love school.

so tomorrow is first day of school
!

i'm just going through what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. i didnt go back to school shopping yet.. for clothes nor supplies.
i don't want to appear too try hard with my clothes, so i'm just wearing my dark blue jeans with no belt (no thong tomorrow!), Heather's volcom tank top, and my billabong hoodie.

i'm still deciding on shoes... i think i'll wear my brown and blue Pro-Keds.


wish me luck

AUG27.08 technically AUG28.08, but you know these late nights...

my heart hurts, Conor has gone to sleep. i just want to write. i usually have nothing important to say, i just want to write and write and write and write with no destination in mind. you are very cute. i like you very much. my heart hurts. my pointless writing sucks. i should draw. i'm scared to screw up. but why? i'm gonna have about 40 journals.

can you even begin to guess or empathize with the disappointment i feel when i can't draw? i don't really try though, i guess. i'm going to school to learn, Remember? i'm not perfect. i can't draw. i go to school to learn. you get that gross feeling and you know it holds you back. you seen it in Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem. i think of Leigha everytime i see or hear that and i think it's lame and ridiculously over used. Seize the Day. does that even mean anything anymore? all the juices have been sucked out of it.

I KNOW YOU ARE CREATIVE. just be forward with thoughts. let them be known. if you imagine Virgin Mary breaking through your walls, or if you imagine life on the ceiling, be aware of that thought, don't let it get away without recognition. Analyze. Recognize. Document.
YOU ARE CREATIVE. YOU ARE LEARNING. YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE MOTIVATED. YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR FEARS. YOU WILL

distraction/retrospect

i could not sleep.
i was in bed almost asleep
and then i wondered if i finished writing in my journal.
i got up
went on the computer
and i just now realized that i haven't yet looked at my journal.. so i shall do that now..

yup, just like i thought, i stopped writing mid-sentence, i don't remember what distracted me
but i'm sure it was a distraction
everything is a distraction
i wonder what life would be like without distractions
i like having the word distraction in every line i write.

distraction distraction
i would be a genius, i think.

i went to the university, Daniel showed me the places i will be spending the most time in for the next 4 years of my life.
i went home and slept.
i woke up and went to Conor's.
i washed his dishes, he vacuumed the floor.
we watched youTube videos, he drew pictures and words on my back.
we took out the garbage, he drove me home.

i need to get more energy.. i'm going to have to get more energy or i know i won't survive 9 hour days. i'm so used to high school spares and minor stresses, and having almost no care in the world.

scratch that, funny that i would say i had almost no cares in the world in high school, when my high school self would totally disagree. retrospect sucks.

retrospect always seems more positive. perhaps because retrospect means its already done and you don't have to worry about it anymore..
i don't know what i'm saying.

what would you say if you could say anything at all

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever


(i will be posting Oasis lyrics for a while now)

i'm gonna start reading my Art History text book.

i can totally do this... i just need to take it one day at a time and avoid looking at the entire picture at once.
this is totally what i want to do with my life, i will try my hardest and work hard. there's no way that i can't do that.

i will love every minute of it

AUG31.08
for some reason i thought it was August 30. school starts soon.
i have an ugly lonely spell right now.
i'm only 18. things will happen. my life is just a big rain cloud over me right now. things i have to do, books i have to read. i fell like everything is just waiting to be accomplished, but i can't seem to just do it. if i just did things i set out to do, maybe i'd have more to say to people. maybe i'm not as over high school mentality as i thought. maybe where i thought i was capable of intense conversation, i'm really not... this is such a sad realization.

i just stay in the background and say nothing. i just stare and listen and analyze people, their expressions and mannerisms. and for what really? so i can be forgotten and never stand out? i thought i had broken out of my shell years ago. maybe there's a lot more to break through still. i regret being ignorant to most things in my life.. if i paid attention more to simple, everyday things, i might have more to say about things.

i feel like i've been quiet my whole life. i've said nothing, done nothing, impacted
No One.
i think the only thing that will make me feel better right now is if i listen to Bob and talk to God...

i'm sure he misses me.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet
I dream of you - we talk of growing old
But you said please don't !

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done

Let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind We'll find a way
To do what we've done

God was sitting on my head. he grabbed my hands and clapped them together. he strained my voicebox and tickled my brain for the lyrics he knew were in there. He was totally right there. in every puff of marijuana smoke i could see erupting over the crowd in random spots. "where were you when we were getting high?", there were more marijuana smoke eruptions for that song for sure.

there is nothing like live music. live music is better than love, sex, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. to stand there in the center of the people, we were all connected. unfamiliar faces were familiar to me because we were feeling the exact same thing in the exact same moment. a concert is more than just a concert. it's proof that people have a love for something, that people believe in something real.

this is what the Gallaghers do to me, world. you need to listen to what they say, and what they play and you'll find it beautiful, same as me. it's when you hear the first couple chords and your brain knows right away... thousands of brains know right away. you roar because you want to participate and you don't want to feel out of the bubble. you stand up and wave your arms and laugh and mess up the words 'cause no one gives a shit and everyone's in love with the air.

you can find me chasing the sun.

i've collected a few golden websites
and i love spending time discovering new music

when i started this new blog over a year ago, i was really affected by the saying "don't think just feel". i can't remember where i read it, but i remember skimming by it, going back to it to actually think about, and it made me feel so much better about situations.

don't think, just feel.
i need to do that more.

but then i think again.
think again think again
think again

how would bob react, how would chris react.. or andy or che.
the walk down the hill is far too bumpy to attack right away. i might as well enjoy the horizon all by myself and rest my back against the lonely tree.
perhaps i shouted so loudly i didn't hear anything else going on around me?
maybe if i listened more the skies would shout back at me what i was shouting at them.

think again. steer away from what i am. i can outgrow it. why can't i live the way i wish i lived? my habits get in the way and although i want to be carefree, i'm not. i'm not. i could listen to you more.
i wish i had more secrets.
i wish i had more things i could keep to myself.
i wish i had more things you were desperate to figure out.

it's too late now to stifle the way i really am. the one thing bothering me is the one thing that can make me feel better.

why ???

i've walked up the hill to only find a lonely tree. no, i didn't laugh.
on the way up the hill i stepped on rocks and grass and shouted my life story at the top of my lungs. i shared with the sky and whoever was listening the words i'd written, the thoughts i'd thought, the things i'd done. running the few last steps of the hill, when all the horizon came into my view, i became disappointed. i wasn't expecting to see an unbroken horizon. i was expecting to see the silhouette of someone else.

although i don't want to expect there to be another hill, i plan to tackle it in silence and leave my book closed. this way, i won't expect someone to meet me at the top.

Penelope died.


and that is not a joke. i can't believe it. my first fish, and she lasted two months.
i miss her =(

yesterday i went to the eye doctor. on the way back Conor picked me up from Belvedere and we went to Kingsway because he needed to buy shoes. sexy shoes at that. and then we went to his place and watched Green Street Hooligans, and then later on we went to see The Dark Knight.

fabulous movie. fabulous day.
today i'm driving to Saskatchewan.

i crashed my car.


haha just kidding. i shouldn't say that. i drove it quite well today.
we went to Londonderry, where the tailor told Daniel his pants would be ready in an hour, so we moved onto West Edmonton Mall. we checked out my iPod at the new Apple store which could probably be mistakened for heaven on earth. except they gave me bad news about the black hole my screen has attained. it can't be fixed, but i guess i'll have to put up with it until next summer... when i think i'm gonna buy a new Mac laptop and an iPod. it'll be my investment. we then went to Urban Outfitters to get Daniel a shirt for this wedding. i immediately had good ideas and he ended up with a nice sweater to wear, and after some necessary fabric frolicking, i unwillingly left empty handed. i want clothes when i go there. i wish it wasn't so expensive.

i've decided i'll go back before school starts. i'm gonna buy two sweaters, a pair of sweatpants, and a pair of nice nice jeans. maybe i'll get another pair of those American Apparel sweatpants.. i love those. in grey this time , so i'll have green black and grey sweatpants. my staple clothing.

and the sweaters i'll get from either Value Village or Urban Outfitters... and the jeans i'll have to actually spend some good money on.

well after the West Edmonton adventure we went back to Londonderry to see if his pants were ready yet. we ended up waiting a little bit more. and then his pants were fine, so we then went to Canadian Tire.

that was interesting, because i needed to buy mats for my car (we got tan ones to match the interior :D) and i ended up running into Josh and Marshall from elementary haha.
it was really sweet to see them. it's been about two years i think since i last seen them. before that, it was probably grade 6 haha.

anyways, i have to organize my bag, my closet, get some CDs in a box to put in my car, and figure out what i'm going to wear to this wedding!

ps i did ALL the driving today and i'm still alive. and i'm gonna drive to Saskatchewan on Friday!

this morning i played the chauffeur, as my brother needed to run some errands, and i needed/wanted to drive my beautiful Saab around the streets of Edmonton.

my cell phone has been silent for awhile now, Conor is camping at Pigeon Lake. i wonder if it was stormy last night.

we went to the gym last night and i walked out after a 55 minute run and it was sprinkling and it was humid. i walked to my car opened it and sat down. parked closer to the building for when Daniel came out. i felt like an adult. in my car. on my own.

but in a parking lot.

we came home and i ate half a bowl of cereal and i'm glad to say i've been maintaining my weight. i left for Italy and was 155 pounds. i am now 145 pounds and it only seems to be dropping.

it's a real weird change. i don't watch television anymore, i don't feel the need for food anymore. i think it's because with Conor and Breanne, i have a real social life i can replace tv and food with. it makes me think.. this is what real social human beings do!

last night as i was lonely
i played my music and worked on my project.
my project is the birthday card of a family friend who is turning 80 soon.
i've decided to make it sentimental and unnecessary, simply because it is my time filler.. something to color, cut and paste when i have nothing else to do.
it's not turning out as cool as i thought it would, but it's already pretty extensive, so it's the thought that counts.

i keep having urges to do something with my room. there's only so much a person can do to their bedroom, and i can't wrap my mind around it.

no, it is fine the way it is right now.

i love the smell of my car. i suppose i haven't formally introduced it to the world yet, have i?
it's a 2004 9-5 turbo Saab. it's a grey-ish, black-ish, blue-ish, brown-ish color (it's pretty complex, depending the lighting it's in), has heated seats, a sun roof, triptronics, pressure windshield system, 49 000 km, CD and tape, and ignition between the driver and passenger seats.. all for 15000 dollars. it's a beautiful car, and i've got some names picked out for it (female Swedish names, mostly) and once i drive it more and get to know it, i will choose from my list:

-Molly
-Petra (stone)
-Astrid (divine beauty)
-Ingrid
-Marion (from Requiem for a Dream)
-Marla (from Fight Club)
-Edie (as in Edie Sedgwick)
-Hanna (gracious)
-Sylvia (from La Dolce Vita)

i think they're very cute names.

i'm bored. i may drive me and my brother to the fringe later on.

i love my car. the doorbell's ringing.

yesterday, the fringe with Conor and Breanne.
it's been an alright week.

something you didn't know,
when i was a kid, i had this red and gold jacket that i would wear and pretend to be Michael Jackson in.
when we went to Italy, my mom would treat me like some sort of performing dog and tell me to do Michael Jackson for people, and i would imitate him. i don't remember exactly what i did, but my mom told me that i would do Thriller.

hahahah she reminded me of this, this summer, and i couldn't be more happy about it. Michael Jackson will always have my heart.

the sexiest guitar playing i've seen is found in the music video for Time Is Running Out by Muse.

Matthew Bellamy could not look any better than that. well maybe he can, but it would be very difficult.

i miss Muse, i think i'l start listening to them again, they really are quite talented.

i'm finishing the rest of my vermicelli bowl.
mmm...

this is what i do.
i experience, i write
almost immediately

i was above the clouds, im telling you,
but i know if i was under them, i would have felt the same.

i don't want to make a big deal, because wandering eyes may wander here and if certain ones do, then.. they may get scared.

i looked at the street lights
and i thought without thinking
like i chew my nails without thinking
and my thoughts went from thought to thought to thought
and happy.

a squeeze on the finger, a smile
happy.

just that
yup

it was quite a nice day. Heather picked me up around 11 and i just tagged along as she ran her last few errands before she leaves tomorrow :(

i bought a tape adapter and sweatpants and a sleeveless hoodie at American Apparel.

i was gonna say other stuff, but i think i might take a nap.
a yawn has just consumed my whole face.

and my car is now on our property. it's beautiful.

my thoughts are crushing my neck. at least thats what i think is causing this pain.

i want to sleep, but i don't

he texted me today asking when i work so he could stop by to get his souvenir.
what a dick thing to say. although i'm sure he didnt mean it that way.
i told him when i work and that i didn't know about the souvenir.
and he said Where The Fuck Is My Souvenir

he did buy me a drink from Halo before i flew across the pond, though.
my goal is to finish Che Guevara's biography. it's sitting on the bottom shelf, of all shelves, and my book mark is still in there.

i don't like to finish books. over the years, i've read only half of half the books i've read. i like that.
i've read only half of half the books i've read.

i want a yogurt. but i won't

i'm no longer in Mazzy Star mode. i am in silence mode.
i'm tired of shuffle
i'm tired of lonely
i'm tired of computer
i'm tired

brainstorming names for my car...

its difficult. i had no clue, now i have many clues
and they all sound so good. i'll just write them down and then see which one the car makes me feel like.

=D

i told myself i'd pick the first name i thought of, but i have decided to actually spend time on this.
don't laugh

im so used to being around people

that now im by myself in this room
with no one but the cold air around my feet
and i feel anxious when i turn the television on
to Big Brother. and i have no idea what's going on. and i feel disconnected from every television show on.
i could sit outside but then i'll think about him, and i think i need to keep myself busy with other things.
it's too dark for a bike ride in the middle of nowhere.
i could draw
or write some more
or fall asleep with my scarf keeping me warm
i could strike a conversation with Penelope and hope she hears every word i say amplified through the water, and Heather could hear too.
and the real Heather leaves in a few days and i still can't believe it. i don't think she'll be gone, but

she will be gone. and i won't react until i need her again. i respond in times of need
i want to be held
i'm used to feeling your fingertips on my back and your lips on my jaw line
i feel nauseous most of the time
and i haven't been eating properly
and my thumbnail is longer than the other and it bothers me but i keep forgetting to cut it
i need to shower tomorrow. or bathe. probably bathe.
i need to finish Clockwork Orange, but i don't know if i can handle it by myself. where's waldo
i want to play pogs with someone
i'm resisting the new Green Eggs and Ham notebook Heather bought me. blank paper is so tempting. i want to mark it up and dirty it
i'm wearing my retainers for the first time in 2 months and it hurts and it feels good because i know something good is happening. but the pain stops eventually and i bite down hard on my retainers to create some friction. or some sort of assurance that something good is happening.

school is scaring me.
but i have a car. i will be able to drive it. and that means i can see you whenever you or i want. minus 9-5 monday to friday. i can even drive as designated.


hello

oh blog, you have become a ball and chain, it seems.
this is the best summer thus far in my life.
accepted to design
a 2004 Saab in my possession
an imperfectly perfect man in my arms
high school forever over

i can get on with things, finally.

maybe you are not a ball and chain. you are there when i need you.