im so used to being around people

that now im by myself in this room
with no one but the cold air around my feet
and i feel anxious when i turn the television on
to Big Brother. and i have no idea what's going on. and i feel disconnected from every television show on.
i could sit outside but then i'll think about him, and i think i need to keep myself busy with other things.
it's too dark for a bike ride in the middle of nowhere.
i could draw
or write some more
or fall asleep with my scarf keeping me warm
i could strike a conversation with Penelope and hope she hears every word i say amplified through the water, and Heather could hear too.
and the real Heather leaves in a few days and i still can't believe it. i don't think she'll be gone, but

she will be gone. and i won't react until i need her again. i respond in times of need
i want to be held
i'm used to feeling your fingertips on my back and your lips on my jaw line
i feel nauseous most of the time
and i haven't been eating properly
and my thumbnail is longer than the other and it bothers me but i keep forgetting to cut it
i need to shower tomorrow. or bathe. probably bathe.
i need to finish Clockwork Orange, but i don't know if i can handle it by myself. where's waldo
i want to play pogs with someone
i'm resisting the new Green Eggs and Ham notebook Heather bought me. blank paper is so tempting. i want to mark it up and dirty it
i'm wearing my retainers for the first time in 2 months and it hurts and it feels good because i know something good is happening. but the pain stops eventually and i bite down hard on my retainers to create some friction. or some sort of assurance that something good is happening.

school is scaring me.
but i have a car. i will be able to drive it. and that means i can see you whenever you or i want. minus 9-5 monday to friday. i can even drive as designated.


hello