Friday - chemistry diploma, Breanne's, hang out with Stephane, possibly hookah bar, then he's going to drive me home.

i don't want to say anything about this matter. but i feel it necessary to admit that i miss him. i also told him that last week and he agreed that we could hang out and talk but dating isn't for him right now. fine by me, i'm leaving in less than 2 weeks. perhaps i have become gutsy. as if the first time i admitted to my wanting him AND the rejection that followed wasn't enough, i had to tell him again this semester, to be rejected again. but this time it was nicer and it didn;t involve him "giving it another go" with someone else.

Saturday - Matthew Good with Breanne, and later on going out to drink and dance and hopefully meet up with Olivia and co.

Sunday - work 9-5 and perhaps hang out with Conor afterwards.

Monday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Tuesday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Wednesday - reading comprehension. i can't comprehend reading. hang out with heather? pack for italy!

Thursday - sleep in. hang out with heather? pack! possibly go shopping for Italy.

Friday - work 4-close

Saturday - Sasha's pub crawl perhaps? if he makes up his damn mind about whats happening for it haha. if not, just Halo with Breanne, Olivia and Co. and others whom i invited like Janet Noodle who i haven't seen since Grade 9.

Sunday-Tuesday - get prepared
Wednesday - LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK

until August 7!

woman president, black president.. i say, gay president!

so i've successfully downloaded M.I.A and N.E.R.D
i'm into acronyms that aren't really acronyms.

I am in the process of downloading Basquiat. that movie that i can't find anywhere about that American graffiti artist who died at 27 from heroin overdose.. his mentor was Andy Warhol and his stuff is really cool. anyways, i hope the movie downloads fast so i can marinate my brain in it.

i am a sucker for the internet. i could spend hours on end just looking up people and art and design and music. i found some cool stuff from the Aritzia website. the bands are as follows: Santogold, Yelle, Cut Copy, Foals, The Ting Tings.

i love how some of my favorite stores are huge supporters of art and design and culture. urban outiftters is a big one for that.

hours go by superfast this way.

i have come inside from the outside.

i'm going to clean out my iPod. i want to go shopping this weekend. i leave in two weeks.

but i really want to slough off the baggage. starting with my iPod.

i just want to say right now, that to
MAKE BETTER
one must MAKE SHIFT.
instead of a coffee table, why not a pile of magazines? instead of a mousepad, why not a book? instead of a garbage bin, why not a cardboard box? instead of excessive bed sheets, why not a single blanket? instead of wallpaper, why not a bed sheet? instead of a canopy, why not a blanket?

as i looked at my cluttered coffee table the other day, i realized that i can clean my room over one hundred times, but i would not be satisfied without a little pile of clutter to provide comfort and coziness. i like the lived in look. like when you move into a new place and you place the furniture wherever, without much thought, and when you really look at it it's perfect where it is, even if it doesn't line up with the baseboards, or it's a little crooked or cracked.

my bedroom is my baby, it is everything that i am. i am everything that it is. i cry in this room, write in this room, laugh in this room, lay in this room. it is my country. where i can re-arrange my brain by re-arranging this room. i make sure the lighting is perfect, that it looks lived in. that i leave my blanket a mess once i wake from my couch. that notes are scribbled and stuck onto any hard surface available.

it's the way i think dictated into something tangible that you can see and move and breathe.
it's because of that, that i started taking pictures of my room whenever i move anything. i re-thought something i placed there in the past and changed it to fit the present.

ever since i was able to move furniture, i did it. despite my room that resembled a closet. it made me happy and it made me excited when i thought of how i could get my room to go with how i felt.

for now, MAKE-SHIFT is the keyword in mind.

i reconnected with my kindergarten teacher. who lives in Fresno California. is it normal to wonder how i can mooch off every person i am in contact with?

i told Breanne today that i am an awful person. there's more to this story. it got lost in a 2 hour conversation.

i wrote in the father's day card that i love my dad. and i love how he's the comic relief in our stressful lives. he doesn't even mean it. he's just the short white haired italian man who loves nature more than his own wife.

i haven't written a Haiku in soo long. i think it's time for one right now.

No voice to sing with
Is scratchy with frustration
I'll sing tomorrow.

i want to sing so bad. i love singing. i'm awful, but i love to sing. Behind The Moon by Matt Costa is a must download. get Mr Pitiful as well.

im tired of writing already.

i worked yesterday until 11:30 and then Conor drove me to Breanne's house where her house and yard were bombarded with people. i helped her invite people throughout the whole day, for this last minute party event. It was a lot of fun. I spent the majority of my time with Calvin, Breanne's gay best friend who i've met once and talked on facebook excessively. he was amazing to spend time with. Tyler was there, and later passed out and left way after we had fallen asleep, Chia was there, Carol was there, Cam and Braden were there, Miranda showed up, Courtney, Mitch and Laski, and Madison too, who also stayed until around 4:30, Sasha who was passed out and replaying that Paper Planes song by M.I.A. over and over and over... Ryan and his brother, Andrew Kidd , Mike, Keith.. Olivia, Emily Alice and Calvin. there had to have been at least 50 people who passed through. it was pretty sweet, very chill. i smoked up with Emily and Olivia for the first time. and also with Cam for the first time. which was not a good idea because I had a sore throat to begin with. i am left with almost no voice.

we started kicking people out at 4:00, and Cam and others were still hanging around at 4:30-5. Sasha slept in the hall outside Breanne's room where I was sleeping.

anyways, me Breanne and Courtney had to wake up at 9 to get to Chemistry diploma prep. in the HUM room at school for 10.. equipped with day old clothes and coffee. my shirt including a cranberry juice stain.

me home and slept after 3:30.

i leave for London/Italy in 2 weeks and three days. my whole sleeping schedule has been backwards since Safe Grad. many times this past week i've went to bed late, whether I was making an Insomniacs Anonymous group on facebook with Breanne and talking to her on the phone at the same time, or I was talking to Pablo for hours on end. and yesterday being Friday, i finally slept at 5, which means that's the second Friday in a row that I went to sleep after .

next friday i have chemistry diploma, and I'm sure Breanne might have another party, or else we might just go out.

and the following Friday i work 'til close, but that's ok because i'll be going out on Saturday one last time before i leave to Italy on the following Wednesday!
there's my schedule for the next 2 weeks.

keep up with me for once.

sitting here with this lappy top and singing loudly to Coldplay videos is more than i can ask for this hour of the day.

i can't be more excited than i am right now.
i still may not have a vehicle at my disposal, or even a license for that matter.
but when i know i've found my niche in life for the right now
and when i know that my life from this moment on is only going to flourish like it never has before (unless, of course, diploma's decide to ruin it all for me), i look so forward to not only my absense from this city for the majority of the summer, but also to september, when i can BE ME.

i found out today that God loves me.
it was in the newspaper.
in an article on Coldplay.
delivering the awesome news that their tour date in Edmonton is postponed to later this year WHAAA????
this could be my chance to be IN TOWN to see them live!

i've been feeling like these events were completely unnecessary. where a graduation was never the thing i looked forward to for 13 years. where a graduation is not needed for me to feel accomplished, or completed, or older. is it weird that all it was to me was a physical reassurement of something i was already reassured of? it's like people need an extravagant event to know that they've made it. high school was nothing special for me simply because i made a lot of aquaintances and not enough lifelong friends. and i didn't try, either, knowing lifelong friends are people you stumble upon when you aren't even trying.

this series of events were far from the best time of my life. the best times of my life were when i found out my portfolio was good enough to go to post-secondary with, when i wrote journal entries that were true to my feelings, when i finished reading an awesome book, when i watched awesome movies, when i realized my morals, when i talked to God, when i traveled to places i couldn't share with anyone else, when i drew in ink, when i walked with my cats, when i danced in my room or danced in a crowd, when i captured things on camera or when my brother made me laugh.

to be honest, i felt unnatural in a fancy dress, like i was an imposter or trying to be someone else. i thought a true celebration of something would require no dress code or no set schedule. i went along with it. people couldn't believe i was in a dress and heels.

and tonight, i'd rather sit in and watch an awesome movie.

perhaps i don't see the reason in sharing anymore.  i've come to realize that what i've been feeling and going through is beyond words, and so i don't feel pressure to try to explain it.  mid-sentence, i just stop and tell myself.. its ok if the person doesn't actually know exactly what its like to be in my shoes at this moment.  i decide to just leave it in my head and in my heart where it really matters.

which is why i won't even try to explain to you how amazing my life seems to be going. i find that when i don't stress about things, everything falls into place. for example, when i bought my graduation dress, i didnt really stress over getting the absolute perfect one. i just got the first one that looked decent and everytime i try it on i love it even more.

also, i am accepted to the Bachelor of Design program at the university of alberta.. i'm enrolled in all my classes which consist of:

fall term

art

design

philosophy

fuck it. i don't even want to write what my classes are because i feel like it's so irrelevant to whoever it is that is reading this. i'll just keep it inside.

for some real substance, however, i will add that whenever i tell people what i'll be doing next year, they always look at me funny and ask "so what exactly is that?  what will you be doing?"  it's like people around here are so accustomed to those 9 to 5 jobs like doctors and dentists and teachers that when they hear someone doing Design, it's like their minds are so simple and box-y that they have absolutely no clue!

anyways, im on my brothers new 24 inch iMac which blows my mind.  but i get his laptop so it's pretty awesome.

i leave in less than a month to LONDON and then ITALY

and today i got my Bloc Party tickets for September 9!

woohoo

i had a meeting yesterday at the U of A with the art and design councilor and everything's pretty peachy.  we talked about my brother, and Heather and how the Printmaking facilities at the u of a are top of the line... which was later confirmed by my brother.'

i'm just really excited to be where i belong next year, you know?  my brother said i'll be staying long nights at the studio, and that i'll become like family with the people in my studio classes and i'll meet awesome people and go to the bars with them and my eyes will be opened up to a completely new lifestyle. my brother was speaking from experience. 

and although my schedule's seem like a complete joke, it's going to be hard hard work. and frsutrating too. but i know i will totally love it. if i can listen to music and be creative, i know i will enjoy every minute of it. thats what i love about art and design, if you don't understand something one way, you can use your creativity to work around it and figure out a way to do something differently.  you can't do that stuff when it comes to sciences or math.  

i am just retardedly and ridiculously excited for my future endeavors.

yesterday i got a letter saying that i'm accepted to the Bachelor of Design program at the U of A.

how amazing is that?!?!

i worked so hard on my portfolio's and having been accepted to both ACAD and the UofA makes my entire life because i know now that i am good enough. i am totally good enough.

i couldn't be happier

hello

!!

i am so sick and tired of this blog and it's bland-ness.
which is why i bought a thick sketch book the other day and a new ink pen and i am now using that for my sketches, doodles, lists, bus routes, thoughts, everything.

thank you. goodbye.

another thing that will do less than change your life, but only change your mood is Going Up The Country by Canned Heat.

http://www.thingsihavelearnedinmylife.com/


it might change your life.

i was reading that book.. Things I've Learned In My Life So Far, by that designer i went to see a few weeks ago named Stefan Sagmeister...

there's a ton of inspiring things in there.. so much that i could probably underline every single word.. but one thing i absolutely loved was this.

he was talking about a design project this magazine gave him, and they basically told him to whatever he wants with it. being a designer, he usually has guidelines he has to follow to satisfy the client and he said having to think of whatever he wanted for this magazine proved very difficult. he asked himself, "what do i want to say when i can say anything?"

today was eventful. and also more evidence as to my happy state when i'm alone.

i got home around 4:30, after depositing my pay cheque and paying a visit to the doctor.
i took a nap until supper time, and then i did my homework and then i went outside and played with the cats.

i walked around half the perimeter of my acreage and they followed me like true companions. Baby would lag behind a bit and Boots would run before me and start meowing for me to lead the way again. i don't know what i would do without those two.

i came back inside and watched The Hills and the like.. and then i went outside and found the red bike, adjusted the seat and went for a bike ride. it was wonderful.

i'm going to re-arrange my room

again

OH MY GOODNESS

can you seriously see anything good in your life?
since i've met you, i think you've been complaining about the same thing then that you are now.
it's frustrating to even know people like you exist.

yesterday i worked until 4 and then spent the rest of the day with Heather. we went to Kelsey's new house and helped move their Twee equipment into her basement, which is the new Twee domain.. it was formerly in Heather's parents basement. basically, Twee is their jewellry line that was started two years ago. they've gotten a lot bigger and it was sold at Heather's hair salon and Nakomis on whyte ave. they recently got accepted into shows in New York next month and San Francisco in July. they're getting pretty fucking successful, it's sweet.

after that we went back to Heathers place and ordered Vietnamese mmmm... and then we took Chloe for a walk and drank tea while swinging on the swings.. its always so weird when im around there because Vitto's house is RIGHT THERE and i can't help but think about him all the time.. it's awful... i always wonder if he's home, what he's up to, if he can hear me talk on the street, or if he knows i'm only a few houses away...

anyways, we went to see Baby Mama and it was a pretty good movie.
and then i stayed over and slept in for the first time in a long while.

i just love being with Heather and my brother. and sometimes it's weird to think of how close i've really become with Heather.. i totally forget sometimes that she's 23 years old and also dating my brother.

she does so much for me though... i would be completely lost without her and my brother.

Last night i went to the University to see a speaker.
I met Stefan Sagmeister, a really famous and talented designer. I even bought his book and got it signed! YAY for me!!

it was an awesome presentation, and he is the cutest thing i've ever seen. he's from Austria and he is an amazing story teller. it was definitely worth not reading the necessary chapters for today's english exam. haha

SO GOOD. please, if you are reading this, GOOGLE STEFAN SAGMEISTER RIGHT NOW!!!

carrying on... today i got a letter from the Alberta College of Art and Design, only the best post secondary for design in all of Alberta! and i got

PROVISIONALLY ACCEPTED!! i know it's stupid to get excited, because i won't be attending the school (because i can't afford to live on my own right now), but just to know that i got into this renowned school of approximately 1100 people literally makes my entire life.

i've planned for awhile now that i would stay at home until i receive my bachelor in visual communication design, and once i get there if i am more into photography, i'll move to Los Angeles and attend the American Film Institute to do direction of photography.. but if i find myself leaning more towards design, i'll move to Holland and get my master's there.

i know Holland is far fetched, but it's completely possible. Heather (my brother's girlfriend) is moving there in August because she got into this grad school in Eindhoven for design, and my brother is wanting to move there with her in December... he said he would see me through my first semester and then leave his shitty graphic design job here in Deadmonton and find a wicked job in Holland... so i'm thinking by the time i've got my bachelor's, they will probably still be living there... making it possible for me to move there.

and it's awesome to think about, because in the design industry, having connections is so important... with Heather going to this prestigious grad school, and my brother living in Holland with her, they'll be able to pass on to me their connections.

my future has never looked brighter. and i can't wait

My mind can't grasp it.
When I like to be out there,
I like it here, too.

i just fell asleep in my room and woke up only when i thought it was friday morning...
and then sat up so fast i could have gotten whip lash when i realized that it was not, in fact, friday morning.

i had a dream about HIV break-outs and time travel within an elevator....

weird. and stupid. all at once.

i like the voodoo that you do.

i want to make pretty things. and take pretty pictures.
i can't wait for summer... i'm going to take a million photographs a day. of everything. inside, outside, my toes...

Violet Hill is an amazing song that Coldplay released today. i can't wait to hear the rest ...

i showed people at school my children's book. i got good responses.
Heather dropped my portfolio of at the U of A at noon today. i should be hearing from ACAD on May 5th or so...

i wonder if i'm good enough???

there is only one way to describe my running-around-like-a-chicken-without-a-head/sleep-deprived/jam-packed weekend. and that is with a completely contrasting, relaxing haiku..

Busy days like these.
Reading between customers.
An odd happiness.

that's all...
bob and chamomile tea is calling me..

it's an awful frustration to have... finding out that a relationship that could have "flourished" did not, because of future location issues that no longer exist, makes me ridiculous. i mean, plans change, which is why i was willing to give it a shot.. even if he ended up moving away.
it's the past and i really shouldn't think about it anymore... i've mended a friendship for what seems like the tenth time in the past four years, but i don't think i mind. i've learned that with Brian it's just like that... there will be months where we talk, and there will be months when we don't... and the cycle just repeats itself. at least i can rely on it succeeding and failing over and over haha.

overall, Brian's got a good heart and whether or not we stay friends, anyone will be lucky to have him as company.

things have started to look up. yesterday i worked on portfolio, which is always really unusually fun. i've always liked cutting and measuring and doing crafty things.. all while listening to some good tunes.

today i actually did chemistry during my spare, given that i had no good company as a distraction. had a pretty relaxed english class where i scored 84% on my reading comprehension.. which i usually get 50's on because of my always wandering mind... chemistry we did a lab where i pretty much stood there and cracked some jokes (which is about the only thing i'm good for during labs.. poor unfortunate lab partners..). after that i stood at the bus stop with Perry, Breanne and Brian for about a half an hour, and i also received what i think was the first hug i've ever had from Brian. me and Breanne stopped at my work to pick up my pay cheque and see that my boss not only gave me a raise, but he gave me ONE WHOLE DOLLAR MORE THAN WHAT I ASKED ($10.40!!).. then we went to Mt Fuji and picked up our food and talked to the lovely sushi guy, Vin, whom i love talking to about movies. and then we went to Breanne's where we ate and watched good old MTV and fat chicks trying to figure skate on the merciless Made. went to work at 3. Ryan Sasha and Jordan (aka tight ass hater) came in for a chat. Brian and Brett came in for a chat later on and i recieved another hug.. i had to ask, of course (but it's a hug nonetheless!)
at ten i came home.. i am here
ready for a jam packed weekend.
and that is definitely not an overstatement.

today... i did nothing but work on my portfolio... of course, i had to document something that happened today..

The sun is setting.
Lay in the grass more often.
Mother Nature cares.

Brian promised me he'd wait for me to come back in August so he can go to Halo for the first time with me.

last night in the wee hours...
I wanted to say
That goodnight thing we used to
But i put it off

Incense burns too fast
Underneath the canopy
Of my mellow world

neither, honestly.
life is about reaching a
Happy Medium

i'm fully aware my Haiku's are hardly standard Haiku's seeing as they don't involve nature and one line could not stand on its own... but it follows the 5-7-5 syllable rule and i'm the one with the pen, so there!

on april 16th,

"out of the way, please"
she said meanly and sternly.
i left with my tea.

yesterday i worked 3-7
and the Heather picked me up and we went to see the Grant MacEwan design show
and then we went to the house
and i worked on my U of A portfolio
and then at 11 we all took Chloe for a walk in the neighbourhood
and then we watched Sweeney Todd

Heather's going to New York in June to go this jewellry show for her line. and she invited my broke ass to go with her. would be prime.
She's having a garage sale in June as well, which i can't wait for.
and then she's moving to Holland in August.

my brother was able to take that week off so Radiohead in Vancouver is a go!
and in December he's moving to Holland... he's staying here to see me through my first semester.

i guess it's time to let go
and stand on my own two feet.

i just watched Cry-Baby starring Johnny Depp.

so cheesy and yet so sexy in an unorthodox way.

she told me today,
that in the future i'd say
"Hello, I'm sunshine"

laying in the grass and listening to Mazzy Star could be seizing the day.
i bought incense today.
remind me to download Hope Sandoval & the Warm Inventions.
i could not be more upset with Limewire than i am right now.

you are Mazzy Star
could i lay here all day long?
with you in my ears?

there's the haiku of the day. i quite like that one. less than two minutes, it took me.. that's what i like to call spontaneity.

thats it!

i'm starting a haiku journal...

hello world! i am nothing but alive today!

i sat in English and let my mind wander. i'm not blind, not deaf, not mute, i can think for myself and i've developed long term interests and goals, i have friends and family
and that's all that should matter!

i imagine my arteries are being coated with a thick greasiness that is near impossible to get rid of.

like the grease stains on your garage floor.
or the greasy moist lips of a drooling boy who never showers or brushes his teeth.
or the oiliness of unwashed hair.

i'm drinking tea for the rest of my life.

the randomness within my commonplace book.


"Bring back the buffalo and drive out the cars!"
Andy Warhol foresaw the days when celebrity would be everything.. (OR DID HE SET THE TREND?????) "Oh boy! its another sexsational issue! Jagger's Sadist movie finally released. A heavy evil film, Don't See It On Acid."

"Pissed off, or pissod on, urine the PUNK GENERATION"
-Castro retirement-
RUDE AWAKENING. all the expressions should be clear to you now. tired of structure. i just want to do something spectacular. me-what was once flowers, is now wasteland. WHY?
emo-ism? my life isn't complete without lists. dance like a mad woman to mad music. are you happy with your life and it's mediocre attributes???????? -my room is the modern portrayal of a crowded marketplace - bush growing in the middle of the road - BERNOULI'S PRINCIPLE - airplane food: organized. hot. main course includes some food groups, salad and bread w/ butter. little, cute food. in packages. chicken or beef???


IS IT POSSIBLE THAT FO REVERY FOUR WALLS, THERE IS A SQUARE INCH IN WHICH YOUR MENTAL FLOW IS HEIGHTENED???

mental straightjacket. SCUM- society for cutting up men. "you can't jail the revolution" "the youth made the revolution and the youth will keep it, the youth will continue to make the revolution throughout the world!"

"How the Little Meri Warner Plant Grew Happily Ever After" - celebrating the decline of traditional values.
"and thus may you see rainbows all the days of your life"
FREAK OUT!
-turn on, tune in, drop out, get naked, get out there, go crazy, find a guru and blow your mind, magic wands and magic mushrooms, you're never too far from a joint.

"God it sure creates confusion
on Capitol Hill
When your left hands don't know
What your right hand kills

Let's get our shit together, men!
(We got to scan them rhymes)
Or how the hell will it look
in Tomorrow's New York Times?"

visual garbage! "armed love" - a recipe for eternal love.
what are you doing to protect yourself from: Misinformation-Half truths-Mind rot
MEDIA BURN - the nation's leading mental crippler.
---------
FEB 19, 2008
i feel like a stupid penguin. no destination. what am i doing here anyways? i have nothing or no one to live for.
i don't know if me and Vitto will become what i want us to become.
he is also a penguin with no destination.
i want it to work.
but i feel like i'm walking in circles on Earth. i have no reason or purpose.
no reason. no purpose.
it makes me want to cry.
for eternity.

although i feel like an anxious mess. i try to sing it away.

all i need are my friends.


but i want him too.

march 18, 2008

i have an odd desire for constant sleep deprivation. it is only in the nightly hours i feel like myself. why let that time pass by while i sleep?

i don't know why i haven't written in awhile. i can't sleep.

i have to let him be. i have to let _____ be as well. but i don't want to waste such oppurtunities on minimal things!

my world has expanded. i've gained light years of space in my mind for absolutely nothing but complete bliss. my feet are slushy with the snow and the sun beats down on my vacant face. my smile reflects light onto the already bright stars at nights and all i can think of is me.

it's me. and everything that surrounds me. every being who makes me laugh. every word that inspires me. its all part of my complete bliss.

his sweater was like the sky at night. seemed so eccentric, so magnetic. but his sweater is the only things i will take to heart at this point. the night sky is a good sign for me.

i must lay in the grass more often.

my own irony is that my mind is this black hole of nothing, but full of everything. black holes are nothing. complete and total nothingness. i imagine being sucked into one and floating for the rest of eternity. Just floating. perhaps being sucked into the past, or maybe a world so corrupt that i would die to find peace of mind.

the rawness of my fingers are painful but it doesn't stop me from going SPLAT! -- here's my mind dictated onto paper. manmade paper full of unorthodox thoughts and raw emotions coming together. it's a corrupt world, friends.

it's the sleep that is temporary death.. a temporary death is not possible, but because i am the one holding the pen, it is possible. we are temporarily dead every night, when we should be looking at the stars, imagining ourselves on a different rock in the system.

i will now rest in peace.

i think i have to take more pictures and include them.

i've been doing a lot of reading on the art of journal-ing... i can't only express myself in words.
i need to carry the camera around with me a lot more..

i got on the bus with my million and one bags and the million and one people with the same goal in mind. to get on the bus. i turned my head and saw a girl who i wanted to look at more and more with every feature that appealed to me. sometimes it happens when i find the rare person who has that subtle, humble beauty that is completely irreplaceable. her profile was phenomenal, she had the cutest nose and the cutest hair and pleading eyes. just wow

coincidentally, she got off the bus just as i did, she waited for the train just as i did and she waited for another bus afterwards... just as i did. she probably thought i was some sort of stalker.

on the train while mazzy star was lightly whispering to me, these people in front of me were having a conversation in french.
also, the north side is where you can find ten years olds having smoke breaks at the bus stop.

"The complications of the world weighing down on my sunken shoulders and hunched back. the idea of a pioneer on untouched land is but an absurd thought. why must doing a simple thing become so complicated? why all the institutions and securities that create invisible barriers? an airplane crashing into the forcefield surrounding a country.. an application being rejected by the wall of uncompleted 100 page, 100 link forms.. even to the point that dreams are stifled. there s a million links in one network, a million questions for one answer.. a million ID numbers and passwords and usernames and e-mails and dates and deadlines and dollars for one application.

a million slates half carved for my one purpose in life.."

that was me Tuesday April 8 at 11:39 pm.


last night i was at Heather's condo with her and my brother, working on my portfolio.. she drove me home at one in the morning, and on the ride home i read Hamlet out loud, getting a very delayed head start on my english homework. alas, after my set tasks were completed, sleep fell upon me and i woke up extra early to go to school extra early to study for the chemistry test i otherwise might have been oblivious to that day.

i have finished and sent my portfolio to ACAD and that is a great accomplishment on my part. now i have the U of A to do for May 1, and Grant MacEwan for June 1.

go me

my mind is a mad house i cannot leave.

portfolio deadlines, appointments, phone calls, bus routes, schedules, times, dates, numbers, photos, objects, charcoal, conte, shading, black fingers, loud music, shakespeare, adobe, adobe, adobe

it's all piled on top of the top of the top of the bottom and back and forwards and around once more.

in a way, i really like it. i feel like i have purpose for right now.
i like having to put on some tea and stay up late to accomplish things i actually don't mind accomplishing.
things i love to accomplish.

i am taking this little bit of time to record my personal process in a short but meaningful blog.
you may not hear from me for a month. i am the person merrily stuck under the pile of all directions and heights...

i'm at Heather's parents place. my brother's at work, and Hather's at a group meeting for a few hours..
and i'm home alone, sketching, doing charcoal work and watching Pan's Labyrinth. Vitto said he would stop by with my books.
and he did. my drawing was interrupted by the doorbell, and Chloe started her barking.
i saw through the window, his harley davidson bicycle.. the one that was in his room, and i opened the door and there he was standing, looking better than ever, with my books in his hand, his tuque on his head and his orange sunglasses on. we talked for a bit, laughed for a bit, and said "yeahh...." at the end of every minute conversation.

he told me to give him a shout whenever i wanted to hang out..
and he's taking things slow with his girlfriend.

it was nice seeing him again.

it's been awhile. hello squanderers of the earth.

i promise to update regularly on the nooks and crannies of my everyday totally exciting and envious life.

which really is and has been. call me an artiste, if you will. i've been sketching and portfolio-ing like mad this spring break. i purchased two portfolio's today with Heather, one for ACAD and one for the U of A. i'm happy with the way things have been going, keeping busy, busy, busy.
my brother has moved out for the month, to house sit for Heather's parents while they are in Holland for a month.

i want to make this quick, but there are so many things to say about my super glamorous and scandalous life, that i may just crack under this pressure to report the deets. haha we all enjoy a laugh once in a while.

Vitto messaged me. wanting to get together to do a book swap.. i am all for it!
i started reading Into Thin Air yay!
i finished reading Submarine yay!
i'm going to Italy from July 2-August 6, and along with that i will be staying in London for 3 days to visit the birthplace of Shakespeare. how awesome. i can't wait. seriously!
i bought my graduation dress today, totally cute, but i love it because it isn't anything extravagant and it was pretty inexpensive.
i bought pre-sale tickets to see OASIS LIVE ON AUGUST 29, 2008 WITH MY BROTHER! best thing i could have done this week, hands down.
i'll be seeing Matthew Good in June with Breanne!!
i'm going on a roadtrip with my brother to Saskatchewan for his friends wedding on August 23rd
RADIOHEAD IN VANCOUVER END OF AUGUST!!!
i'll be purchasing a laptop in the very near future in order to fulfill my complete computer nerdiness yay!
andddd
i've chopped my hair off

EEK
it's awesome

ta ta

since i am an aspiring director of photography, i think i'm going to get my mom's camera and start doing video blogs

only for my personal benefit. i think i'll be inspired a lot more

i need some molding. as much molding and shaping and extremes as i can possibly fit into my 20 pound brain.

i went to hang out with Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo. he wasn't what i expected, i'm not sure about the physical attraction, but i really connected with him
and he definitely has an awesome personality. it was really refreshing actually, because it's been awhile since i've been able to have such a smooth conversation with another person. we have very similar interests, and we can relate to each other. and he has an awesome sense of humour... he can really make me laugh, and he's really random. i could see us hanging out a lot more in the future.. and for a long long time

i am full to my head with things i have to say. i've closed the door to this room completely, a sign that i've secluded myself in this place so nobody can hear me type.

i just feel like i keep losing. yes, be prepared for some self-pity. it's hard to take anymore advice, because i feel there's nothing i can do but strand myself on an island with no food and lots of sun.

just talking to Heather tonight, i felt so defeated.. like there's so many things i could be doing, like right now i want to go ride my bike down the road by my house and just.. ride.
i am going to ride my bike everyday.
i will ride my bike everyday.
and i will love every second of it.
i'm going to go down roads i haven't gone down before, i'll listen to songs i haven't listened to before.
i'll think thoughts i've never thought before, i'll breathe air i've never breathed before.

frustration is this 50 pound knapsack on me right now. and i just need to write write write everything i can even think of because my mind just needs

emptying

and i hate how i say these things perfectly in my head, they make perfect sense, they are perfectly heard by my conscience, but when it comes down to it i can't get it out.. i was going to write in my journal, but i figured i can get things out faster on the computer.

is it weird that i just downloaded Seal?

i went to church three days in a row. i am so clever in the silence of my mind, i say the best things to myself, telling myself i have to write it down, and it never comes out the way i picture it. i've come to the realization that it's all in the way it is read. this became evident to me a few months ago when my english teacher was going over an assignment i did with me. i knew i did awful on it, i could've put more effort into it, so i was dreading when he'd read it aloud. but when he did, just the way he read it, it made me think.. i'm a damn good writer.

i was sitting in church, and it's always a tough topic for me. that hour in which i am supposed to be thinking about how thankful i am to be alive and have everlasting life, i am only thinking about how i've failed God terribly because i cringe at the churchy smell, the old ladies shrill voices, and the chants that make me feel sucked into some very popular cult.

the last thing i want to think is that i've been baptised into a cult, but i feel that if it wasn't so popular, so widely known, it would be a cult. the thing i find conflicting within myself the most, however, is that i actually tell God how i feel about it all. i will sit there and say to myself,

"God, i know you know how i feel about all this. i can only talk to you in the privacy of my room, when the lights are low and i feel like i know for sure you are listening to only me. and i totally respect you, and i know you love me because everytime we have a conversation, i am relieved of any lonliness or any pain that's present. you are my ultimate friend and i don't like being here in this church because everyone creates this almighty image of you... like i am not worthy of your attention. i am uncomfortable talking to you in monotonous chants, or saying things to you that everyone else is saying to you. i want you to know how i am feeling, and what is going on with me, not what we are so accustomed to saying every single mass in the same order. if i truly know you, you are probably bored with it all anyways, and for all the things you've done for me, i at least want to do a favor for you and be completely real and honest with you. so don't look down upon me when i am angry about going to church, or when my mother is frustrated with me.
i'm just thinking that church is solely so people can be guilt-free and feel justified to You.
i just like our one-on-one time, ya know?"

that went on a lot longer than expected. i just have so much to say now. and this is and will be a lengthy post.

i concluded to my brother that 90% of the people in the church at the time had short hair. and i calculated out of the three fans which was going the fastest.

much more needs to be said... trust me. but i'd rather not force the genius in me

february 17, 2008

....

it's just a bad day, maybe. i put Matt Costa on my iPod. listening to his songs... it's like i've heard them before.

i'm not wanting this. why do i get this way? i've slowly grown out of it... i have to be patient. i plan too much, i strive for that image of perfection. it leaves a lot of room for disappointment.

my mind races and i'm left with this sickness. i feel like a disease, which needs to be gotten rid of. by myself with plenty of things i could be doing but all that seems important is that my world feels it's coming to a finish.

Until i have a personal connection to a person. so someone knows i exist for even a minute.
i need to announce myself to someone and my world is back.

i hate the silence when it surrounds only me. sitting in that silence cross-legged with the murmur of the television... moving pictures.. humming of the computer... they seem to cancel each other out so i'm left with virtually nothing of comfort value. all while objects, images, thoughts, scenarios, songs are flying around like the Kansas tornado, except in my brain.

i've reached absolute vulnerability. and there's no going back. i've lost all certainty i had when i only relied on myself for love.

i am left hot and bothered sometimes.

i just read my friend's blog, seeing that she had a bunch of quotes up, i read them and felt totally unchanged.

i know a lot of people who place quotes all over their internet profiles, hoping to get some inspiration from them. but what i think is more important than the quote itself, is who said them. i mean, if you know absolutely nothing about the person who said the quote, or know nothing about what happened to them that made them say it, how can it really mean anything to someone? how can it really be inspiring?

i only look for quotes by people i hold a high respect for. i feel that if their name could be totally optional sitting beside the quote, it's meaningless.

for example, in this certain quote:
“The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.” - Che Guevara

in my opinion, the Che Guevara part is just as important, if not more, important than the quote itself.

so i admit that in the past couple months i allowed myself to get very attached to someone in a very short amount of time. sharing a common interest in many things, our personalities seemed near perfect together. of course, it didn't work out. but i am pretty happy that i was so open with him that i didn't stifle any feelings i felt and i allowed myself to pursue that human connection in a reckless manner.

in the wee hours of the morning last night, i watched and recorded this show called "Making Sense of the Sixties". it discussed the American counterculture of drugs and sex, peace and love. something that stood out for me was that these people were all about living.

living is different for many people. to some it could mean their nine to five jobs, their house, their cars, their education and most importantly, their salary.
for others like myself, it means being happy and fulfilling your purpose in life, whether you're scraping money together to pay rent for a shit hole apartment, or wiping your ass with it. it also means realizing that there is a whole world to experience and i am just one in 6 billion people. that is a ton of people.

doesn't that make you feel small. so incredibly insignificant, hey. we're all so busy and so rushed.. i gotta do this by this time, i need to go here before i go there..

i just want to lay in the grass for awhile.

i just want to do my portfolio. i wish i could work on it all day long, instead of having to worry about school work as well.

as for Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, he is 20 years old today, which somehow adds to his appeal, probably because he is no longer a teen, but a real man. and when i tell people about him, twenty years old just sounds more satisfying. when he came home from the bar last night he texted me and asked me out. how wonderful the night life can be! i am completely serious when saying that. i've met so many really cool people as a result of loud music and reasonable intakes of alcohol!

i've finished Into The Wild. i am in desperate need of a new book

new book!!!!

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Mar 13, 2008 Even if you've been a little uncertain about a few things lately, you'll probably be feeling a little surer of yourself today. As one door is closing, another one might be ready to open for you. And if you haven't yet found that someone special, then get ready because an interesting new romance could very well be on its way.

Your romantic intentions could be well-received today, so you might want to take a chance and make your feelings known right now. Luck should be on your side when it comes to most endeavors today.

ooh yay!!!

hey hey hey hey hey hey

well today my day started off at 7:30 in the hum room, writing my english exam. at 9:20 i went to cosmetology where nothing was accomplished, and then i had spare where i went to Tim Hortons with Kevin and some others and at 11:40 i had lunch so i read some more of my amazing book
---- i have just realized that i haven't mentioned this amazing book that Vitto let me borrow. its called Into The Wild, based on a true story and it just became a motion picture directed by Sean Penn!! yay!! -----
and then Zach from Yellowknife came!!! so we chilled for a bit and then he left to Tim Hortons. so i went to the library where i bumped into Jordan and Kevin. i seem to be unable to get rid of that kid. we spend all our spares together, it's weird.

we're both hippies, though, so it's pretty awesome. yay for sunflowers!!

went tanning after school,
after that??? ummmh

did pretty much

nuttn

yay
so i got out of school at 11:40 today and Trevor drove me home and i got a text message from Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo!!!

how exciting. it isn't a phone call, but it still counts.
apparently he works at a photography studio. how sweet!

mango's are yummy

well i am happy to report that his trip to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend was an amazing one. how lovely.
it was so amazing, in fact, that he will be going again this weekend if she doesn't come to Edmonton.
and i want my novels back.

it's really too bad i didn't even get a chance to take a ride in his VW van. shit happens i guess

it's an exciting thing, really, that my cafeteria fills up my travel mug with hot water for FREE. i wasn't aware of such awesomeness, but now that i am, i will be consuming about a cup of green tea every single block. just as i did today.

school's never been better in this way. also, i no longer experience jealousy seeing them in the hall. thanks to Vitto, i guess. but no thanks, also, because now i like him and he is currently pursuing his ex-girlfriend.

man oh man i deserve a gold star on my forehead.
for having the best timing, of course.

i am rolling my eyes to that, if you can't see me right now.

it's actually alright. Breanne told me one day..
"you know how couples always celebrate their monthiversaries and anniversaries... i think it's weird that friends don't do that with eachother."

i totally agreed with her. i mean, friends are always there. friends, in a lot of ways, are the most important thing a person has. i will now celebrate monthiversaries and anniversaries with friends. and i think you should too.

on another note, Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo has not given me a telephone call. i'm not really expecting one, however... but we all know i'm kidding myself when i say that.. ha

my activity levels were low today. but it was a good day nonetheless. had english, cosmetology, chemistry, lunch in the library with Kevin Sunflower and Olivia. yes i said Kevin Sunflower. his real last name really isn't that, but Sunflower is a Plant so i believe it qualifies. and it's a totally hippie name, and i think it suits him perfectly.

anyways, i had chemistry after lunch again where i actually got all my work done... thanks to The Roots in my freshly cleaned ears. and then i met my mom at Londonderry. she bought me a hoodie from Sears. and then we went to Superstore and she bought me another hoodie and a shirt. i came home and slept until SEVEN PM

and then i went driving for an hour.
and i am here now.

thanks Nicole, by the way, for your very much appreciated comment.

peace fellow sunflowers

last night we went out for Breanne's 18th birthday. we mainly consists of me, Breanne, Chris (her brother) and Tristan.

we went to Halo, which will always have a special place in my heart. we were sitting there
and all of a sudden these two guys come up to us and we just start talking. they were so funny.

Kyle and Dave

me and Dave talked for quite some time. we talked about a lot, too, now that i think about it. he's 19 and he lived in London for 5 months and he's taking graphic design at NAIT next year. he was talking about how his goal in life is to get in the VIP section at Halo, and Chris (Breanne's brother), said that he sets himself high goals and then Dave said he has a few others before that one.
and then i asked him what his other goals are, and he said the most amazing thing.

he said he wants to write a children's book. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! i told him that i already wrote one for my portfolio admission! so we ended up talking about that, and he asked me what my dream job is, and i told him a cinematographer and he said that was awesome. then i told him i was going to see Radiohead in Vancouver this summer and we ended up talking about music, and movies... david beckham, celebrity obsessions, across the universe and sweeney todd.

then he told me the weirdest thing. he was like "i don't mean this offensively, but i find that i get to know a person really well when i ask this question. what is your favorite thing to do with water??"

like seriously, what a guy!
and we have a few interests in common.. the whole design deal. and he lived in London for 5 months!

i seem to attract the same kind of guys... it's wicked cool. him and his friend left, but before leaving he asked for my number and then called my cell so i had his, and then he gave me a hug before leaving. ahhhhh haha

anyway, after that, we danced and then walked to the Fox. where we stood in line for about an hour and we got pretty pissed off so we left and went to Boston Pizza hahaha

lots of other stuff happened, but i'm too


lazy

i am sitting here not really sure what to say
or think
or do

i'm exhausted. i want to fall flat onto my bed my downy bed and close my eyes and sleep
there's so much on my mind, however, i don't know how to deal
with it all

you know what could be heaven right now
in my room with my candles lit, and dim lighting
with bob in the back
and me and pablo laying on my bed
and just talking

i miss that dirty mexican. he's really not mexican by the way.

i always wondered why non-mexican spanish people get offended when called a mexican. it's the only spanish country that located in north american. god i hate north america.

i'd love to visit anywhere but north america.

mmm backstreet boys. i need to look for a grad dress. close my eyes reach my hand out there and grab the first red one i don't see.

if that makes sense. i'm classy. classic. red. knee length. blonde. waves. hassle free and simple.

simplicity

how many things can i be in these short minutes. i am tired. i am bloated. i am nervous. i am anxious. i am upset. i am scared. i am excited. i am lazy. i am failing.

what on earth is happening. i don't know is better than a no. or a yes, depending on the situation being discussed.

but not knowing is awful, in fact. it isn't a definite thing you can stand on. it leaves you lingering. like on your tippy toes on the roundest rock in the amazon waterfall.
reminds me of that song by Coldplay, called Green Eyes. i think that's the one. perhaps another one.

" Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand"
"Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float"

i remember sitting on the balcony on top of the world, we was listening to the cheesy music that rocked my world at 14. having the trees beneath me spin a web in case i decided to jump. singing and laughing in the setting sun.

feeling happy just with the thought of having a pillow outside.

i was looking at my dirty feet on the cold cement, walking around shoeless is the best in that place. the silence could have hung a 'do not disturb' sign on our big mouths, but it let our laughter be heard on the other side of town. it's the closeness, the familiarity, the security of the place that is unlike anything else.

"hey you in the south, i'm in the north, you can hear me clearly because we're so close".

paradise exists, my friends.
i just told this guy i used to know, "haha whatever. i don't need another tight ass in my life anyways. you should look into opening your mind even a little bit."

look into it
happy sleeps all around the world i'm hoping

i feel it's the right time for the name change.

since the birth of this blog, i've had the following names:
kisssy, christine, don't think; just feel, [un]orthodox, shades of gray, sketchy, and then i named it Dirty Laundry on January 21, 2007. so i've had that name for a good year, which i am pretty proud of because i change my mind like a flag sways in the wind.

and i have changed as a person, i see the world differently, so i think it's time for a change.

i chose Dirty Laundry because my blog is my way of "airing my dirty laundry"... basically my views, everyday life, and secrets.

i am changing it to The Clothesline of a Beatnik, because the clothesline implies that this is my story, my life continuing from day to day like a clothesline, and Beatnik is basically another word for hippie, aka me

haha

me likey.

my aura is made out of bubblegum right now.

happiness.

i'm on my third cup of green tea, and it's largely due to this fact that i am so happy.

Breanne's 18th on Saturday and i can't wait.

once again, i'd rather leave my lingering ideas, lingering nowhere but my mind.

"never is a promise.. and you can't afford to lie"

i just listened to that specific line in a Fiona song <3

i have no words. i just laid in bed and did my homework while listening to Bob.
i'm feeling like green tea.

i should go to the gym in a half hour. i really don't want to. i know i should.
i really don't want to.

i am going to go to Italy this summer. and there's a good chance Breanne will be coming with me. i can't wait.

just the idea of bringing someone along with me is surreal. it's exciting, because whenever i go there it's like i'm travelling to a different world... almost as if it really doesn't exist.

i have a million words i could say
but i feel like it's better left in my imagination.

i forgot to mention...


that i voted today yay!!!!!

"you're about to do something really out of character. have you thought through all the consequences?"

the horoscope today said that. hmmmph.

anyway

i am a drinker of Legends of China green tea. i love it so much that i save the packets they come in and i make posters out of them. i figure, better on my wall looking pretty than in the garbage, right?

but my mom has bought this new kind of green tea. called Tazo Zen, a harmonious blend with lemongrass and spearmint.

it's so yummy.

i love both, so i've decided that Tazo deserves spots on my wall as well.

me tired ridiculously.

saturday night i went to the club, and didn't sleep until 3 in the morning, then had to wake up early to work 9-5 and even with all the drowsiness laying on me, i still couldn't fall asleep until 2 last night

making for a really grumpy christine today.

last night was awful.. i was laying in the most comfortable positions and but my mind was restless. almost like it was on speed, and then coming down from the best high ever, i felt like bubblegum on the bottom of my shoe with the random hair stuck in it.

gross.

i even cried a little whilst talking to God. everything always seems like the end of the world until the sun rises again and i feel like an idiot for even stressing.
basically, i had a 20 minute text conversation with Cameron.
followed by me telling my brother i can't sleep, who was only in the basement.
him and Heather had just gotten to sleep, so i couldn't hang out with them or anything.
i wrote to him that university, my chem test, Vitto, and this summer are what i keep thinking about.

he gave me great advice: he told me to write in my journal, or put on some tea and listen to some bob. he said we'd talk tomorrow.

normally, i would have done just that.

instead, i watched Friends on my iPod and it put me right where it's good. to sleep.

we went to Globe last night to celebrate Breanne's last weekend as a minor ha.

was lots of fun
i may elaborate another day because i just don't think it's important to talk about every pub/club experience i have.

anyways, work today was fucked beyond belief and i was running on little sleep.
and mother will kick my sorry ass if i don't get minimum 80 on my chem final on tuesday.

peace

allo allo

i don't have a purpose of writing right now
i just feel like writing.

i have been ridiculously addicted to Oasis this past week. i don't know what it is, they make me go nuts. i will never stop loving them.

lots of people came into work today. i think i gave away about 6 free drinks man. it was crazy.

saw this guy i haven't seen since grade 9, that was weird. i used to really like him on and off. he's not really my type of guy anymore. but then again, i don't know how he has changed, and i don't really have a type.

Cameron stopped by too.. he's gotten a lot more attractive. i'm pretty sure i told him that on facebook a few months ago too. and he was with Brett. that's a guy i do not understand at all. like, it seems when he comes to second cup he's really nice to me and shit, and i remember he sat by me on the bus once and we had a lovely conversation and then he doesn't even acknowledge my existance at school. it's the weirdest thing. that's what i mean by shady people. and i hate shady people.

oh yeah
so the other day i gave him a phone call. and i was prepared to say what i had to say to be straightforward with him, i even had important points written down so i wouldn't blank out.

and after all that nervosity and preparation, i had a 4 minute conversation with him. 50% was me talking, 25% was him mumbling, and the other 25% was me asking to repeat his uncomprehendable mumbling.

it was painful. i felt as though i was talking to a grade A retard.
and then i called Breanne. and we talked for so long. so so long. and we had a very important and meaningful conversation.
it makes me so incredibly happy to finally have a best friend that i actually like talking to on the phone. i never had a best friend who i texted or talked to ask much as i do with Breanne. it's wickedly cool.

and this weekend Pablo will be giving me a call. and that is one phone call i am really looking forward to.

the television is calling me..