i am full to my head with things i have to say. i've closed the door to this room completely, a sign that i've secluded myself in this place so nobody can hear me type.

i just feel like i keep losing. yes, be prepared for some self-pity. it's hard to take anymore advice, because i feel there's nothing i can do but strand myself on an island with no food and lots of sun.

just talking to Heather tonight, i felt so defeated.. like there's so many things i could be doing, like right now i want to go ride my bike down the road by my house and just.. ride.
i am going to ride my bike everyday.
i will ride my bike everyday.
and i will love every second of it.
i'm going to go down roads i haven't gone down before, i'll listen to songs i haven't listened to before.
i'll think thoughts i've never thought before, i'll breathe air i've never breathed before.

frustration is this 50 pound knapsack on me right now. and i just need to write write write everything i can even think of because my mind just needs

emptying

and i hate how i say these things perfectly in my head, they make perfect sense, they are perfectly heard by my conscience, but when it comes down to it i can't get it out.. i was going to write in my journal, but i figured i can get things out faster on the computer.

is it weird that i just downloaded Seal?

i went to church three days in a row. i am so clever in the silence of my mind, i say the best things to myself, telling myself i have to write it down, and it never comes out the way i picture it. i've come to the realization that it's all in the way it is read. this became evident to me a few months ago when my english teacher was going over an assignment i did with me. i knew i did awful on it, i could've put more effort into it, so i was dreading when he'd read it aloud. but when he did, just the way he read it, it made me think.. i'm a damn good writer.

i was sitting in church, and it's always a tough topic for me. that hour in which i am supposed to be thinking about how thankful i am to be alive and have everlasting life, i am only thinking about how i've failed God terribly because i cringe at the churchy smell, the old ladies shrill voices, and the chants that make me feel sucked into some very popular cult.

the last thing i want to think is that i've been baptised into a cult, but i feel that if it wasn't so popular, so widely known, it would be a cult. the thing i find conflicting within myself the most, however, is that i actually tell God how i feel about it all. i will sit there and say to myself,

"God, i know you know how i feel about all this. i can only talk to you in the privacy of my room, when the lights are low and i feel like i know for sure you are listening to only me. and i totally respect you, and i know you love me because everytime we have a conversation, i am relieved of any lonliness or any pain that's present. you are my ultimate friend and i don't like being here in this church because everyone creates this almighty image of you... like i am not worthy of your attention. i am uncomfortable talking to you in monotonous chants, or saying things to you that everyone else is saying to you. i want you to know how i am feeling, and what is going on with me, not what we are so accustomed to saying every single mass in the same order. if i truly know you, you are probably bored with it all anyways, and for all the things you've done for me, i at least want to do a favor for you and be completely real and honest with you. so don't look down upon me when i am angry about going to church, or when my mother is frustrated with me.
i'm just thinking that church is solely so people can be guilt-free and feel justified to You.
i just like our one-on-one time, ya know?"

that went on a lot longer than expected. i just have so much to say now. and this is and will be a lengthy post.

i concluded to my brother that 90% of the people in the church at the time had short hair. and i calculated out of the three fans which was going the fastest.

much more needs to be said... trust me. but i'd rather not force the genius in me

february 17, 2008

....

it's just a bad day, maybe. i put Matt Costa on my iPod. listening to his songs... it's like i've heard them before.

i'm not wanting this. why do i get this way? i've slowly grown out of it... i have to be patient. i plan too much, i strive for that image of perfection. it leaves a lot of room for disappointment.

my mind races and i'm left with this sickness. i feel like a disease, which needs to be gotten rid of. by myself with plenty of things i could be doing but all that seems important is that my world feels it's coming to a finish.

Until i have a personal connection to a person. so someone knows i exist for even a minute.
i need to announce myself to someone and my world is back.

i hate the silence when it surrounds only me. sitting in that silence cross-legged with the murmur of the television... moving pictures.. humming of the computer... they seem to cancel each other out so i'm left with virtually nothing of comfort value. all while objects, images, thoughts, scenarios, songs are flying around like the Kansas tornado, except in my brain.

i've reached absolute vulnerability. and there's no going back. i've lost all certainty i had when i only relied on myself for love.

i am left hot and bothered sometimes.

i just read my friend's blog, seeing that she had a bunch of quotes up, i read them and felt totally unchanged.

i know a lot of people who place quotes all over their internet profiles, hoping to get some inspiration from them. but what i think is more important than the quote itself, is who said them. i mean, if you know absolutely nothing about the person who said the quote, or know nothing about what happened to them that made them say it, how can it really mean anything to someone? how can it really be inspiring?

i only look for quotes by people i hold a high respect for. i feel that if their name could be totally optional sitting beside the quote, it's meaningless.

for example, in this certain quote:
“The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.” - Che Guevara

in my opinion, the Che Guevara part is just as important, if not more, important than the quote itself.

so i admit that in the past couple months i allowed myself to get very attached to someone in a very short amount of time. sharing a common interest in many things, our personalities seemed near perfect together. of course, it didn't work out. but i am pretty happy that i was so open with him that i didn't stifle any feelings i felt and i allowed myself to pursue that human connection in a reckless manner.

in the wee hours of the morning last night, i watched and recorded this show called "Making Sense of the Sixties". it discussed the American counterculture of drugs and sex, peace and love. something that stood out for me was that these people were all about living.

living is different for many people. to some it could mean their nine to five jobs, their house, their cars, their education and most importantly, their salary.
for others like myself, it means being happy and fulfilling your purpose in life, whether you're scraping money together to pay rent for a shit hole apartment, or wiping your ass with it. it also means realizing that there is a whole world to experience and i am just one in 6 billion people. that is a ton of people.

doesn't that make you feel small. so incredibly insignificant, hey. we're all so busy and so rushed.. i gotta do this by this time, i need to go here before i go there..

i just want to lay in the grass for awhile.

i just want to do my portfolio. i wish i could work on it all day long, instead of having to worry about school work as well.

as for Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, he is 20 years old today, which somehow adds to his appeal, probably because he is no longer a teen, but a real man. and when i tell people about him, twenty years old just sounds more satisfying. when he came home from the bar last night he texted me and asked me out. how wonderful the night life can be! i am completely serious when saying that. i've met so many really cool people as a result of loud music and reasonable intakes of alcohol!

i've finished Into The Wild. i am in desperate need of a new book

new book!!!!

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Mar 13, 2008 Even if you've been a little uncertain about a few things lately, you'll probably be feeling a little surer of yourself today. As one door is closing, another one might be ready to open for you. And if you haven't yet found that someone special, then get ready because an interesting new romance could very well be on its way.

Your romantic intentions could be well-received today, so you might want to take a chance and make your feelings known right now. Luck should be on your side when it comes to most endeavors today.

ooh yay!!!

hey hey hey hey hey hey

well today my day started off at 7:30 in the hum room, writing my english exam. at 9:20 i went to cosmetology where nothing was accomplished, and then i had spare where i went to Tim Hortons with Kevin and some others and at 11:40 i had lunch so i read some more of my amazing book
---- i have just realized that i haven't mentioned this amazing book that Vitto let me borrow. its called Into The Wild, based on a true story and it just became a motion picture directed by Sean Penn!! yay!! -----
and then Zach from Yellowknife came!!! so we chilled for a bit and then he left to Tim Hortons. so i went to the library where i bumped into Jordan and Kevin. i seem to be unable to get rid of that kid. we spend all our spares together, it's weird.

we're both hippies, though, so it's pretty awesome. yay for sunflowers!!

went tanning after school,
after that??? ummmh

did pretty much

nuttn

yay
so i got out of school at 11:40 today and Trevor drove me home and i got a text message from Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo!!!

how exciting. it isn't a phone call, but it still counts.
apparently he works at a photography studio. how sweet!

mango's are yummy

well i am happy to report that his trip to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend was an amazing one. how lovely.
it was so amazing, in fact, that he will be going again this weekend if she doesn't come to Edmonton.
and i want my novels back.

it's really too bad i didn't even get a chance to take a ride in his VW van. shit happens i guess

it's an exciting thing, really, that my cafeteria fills up my travel mug with hot water for FREE. i wasn't aware of such awesomeness, but now that i am, i will be consuming about a cup of green tea every single block. just as i did today.

school's never been better in this way. also, i no longer experience jealousy seeing them in the hall. thanks to Vitto, i guess. but no thanks, also, because now i like him and he is currently pursuing his ex-girlfriend.

man oh man i deserve a gold star on my forehead.
for having the best timing, of course.

i am rolling my eyes to that, if you can't see me right now.

it's actually alright. Breanne told me one day..
"you know how couples always celebrate their monthiversaries and anniversaries... i think it's weird that friends don't do that with eachother."

i totally agreed with her. i mean, friends are always there. friends, in a lot of ways, are the most important thing a person has. i will now celebrate monthiversaries and anniversaries with friends. and i think you should too.

on another note, Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo has not given me a telephone call. i'm not really expecting one, however... but we all know i'm kidding myself when i say that.. ha

my activity levels were low today. but it was a good day nonetheless. had english, cosmetology, chemistry, lunch in the library with Kevin Sunflower and Olivia. yes i said Kevin Sunflower. his real last name really isn't that, but Sunflower is a Plant so i believe it qualifies. and it's a totally hippie name, and i think it suits him perfectly.

anyways, i had chemistry after lunch again where i actually got all my work done... thanks to The Roots in my freshly cleaned ears. and then i met my mom at Londonderry. she bought me a hoodie from Sears. and then we went to Superstore and she bought me another hoodie and a shirt. i came home and slept until SEVEN PM

and then i went driving for an hour.
and i am here now.

thanks Nicole, by the way, for your very much appreciated comment.

peace fellow sunflowers

last night we went out for Breanne's 18th birthday. we mainly consists of me, Breanne, Chris (her brother) and Tristan.

we went to Halo, which will always have a special place in my heart. we were sitting there
and all of a sudden these two guys come up to us and we just start talking. they were so funny.

Kyle and Dave

me and Dave talked for quite some time. we talked about a lot, too, now that i think about it. he's 19 and he lived in London for 5 months and he's taking graphic design at NAIT next year. he was talking about how his goal in life is to get in the VIP section at Halo, and Chris (Breanne's brother), said that he sets himself high goals and then Dave said he has a few others before that one.
and then i asked him what his other goals are, and he said the most amazing thing.

he said he wants to write a children's book. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! i told him that i already wrote one for my portfolio admission! so we ended up talking about that, and he asked me what my dream job is, and i told him a cinematographer and he said that was awesome. then i told him i was going to see Radiohead in Vancouver this summer and we ended up talking about music, and movies... david beckham, celebrity obsessions, across the universe and sweeney todd.

then he told me the weirdest thing. he was like "i don't mean this offensively, but i find that i get to know a person really well when i ask this question. what is your favorite thing to do with water??"

like seriously, what a guy!
and we have a few interests in common.. the whole design deal. and he lived in London for 5 months!

i seem to attract the same kind of guys... it's wicked cool. him and his friend left, but before leaving he asked for my number and then called my cell so i had his, and then he gave me a hug before leaving. ahhhhh haha

anyway, after that, we danced and then walked to the Fox. where we stood in line for about an hour and we got pretty pissed off so we left and went to Boston Pizza hahaha

lots of other stuff happened, but i'm too


lazy

i am sitting here not really sure what to say
or think
or do

i'm exhausted. i want to fall flat onto my bed my downy bed and close my eyes and sleep
there's so much on my mind, however, i don't know how to deal
with it all

you know what could be heaven right now
in my room with my candles lit, and dim lighting
with bob in the back
and me and pablo laying on my bed
and just talking

i miss that dirty mexican. he's really not mexican by the way.

i always wondered why non-mexican spanish people get offended when called a mexican. it's the only spanish country that located in north american. god i hate north america.

i'd love to visit anywhere but north america.

mmm backstreet boys. i need to look for a grad dress. close my eyes reach my hand out there and grab the first red one i don't see.

if that makes sense. i'm classy. classic. red. knee length. blonde. waves. hassle free and simple.

simplicity

how many things can i be in these short minutes. i am tired. i am bloated. i am nervous. i am anxious. i am upset. i am scared. i am excited. i am lazy. i am failing.

what on earth is happening. i don't know is better than a no. or a yes, depending on the situation being discussed.

but not knowing is awful, in fact. it isn't a definite thing you can stand on. it leaves you lingering. like on your tippy toes on the roundest rock in the amazon waterfall.
reminds me of that song by Coldplay, called Green Eyes. i think that's the one. perhaps another one.

" Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand"
"Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float"

i remember sitting on the balcony on top of the world, we was listening to the cheesy music that rocked my world at 14. having the trees beneath me spin a web in case i decided to jump. singing and laughing in the setting sun.

feeling happy just with the thought of having a pillow outside.

i was looking at my dirty feet on the cold cement, walking around shoeless is the best in that place. the silence could have hung a 'do not disturb' sign on our big mouths, but it let our laughter be heard on the other side of town. it's the closeness, the familiarity, the security of the place that is unlike anything else.

"hey you in the south, i'm in the north, you can hear me clearly because we're so close".

paradise exists, my friends.
i just told this guy i used to know, "haha whatever. i don't need another tight ass in my life anyways. you should look into opening your mind even a little bit."

look into it
happy sleeps all around the world i'm hoping

i feel it's the right time for the name change.

since the birth of this blog, i've had the following names:
kisssy, christine, don't think; just feel, [un]orthodox, shades of gray, sketchy, and then i named it Dirty Laundry on January 21, 2007. so i've had that name for a good year, which i am pretty proud of because i change my mind like a flag sways in the wind.

and i have changed as a person, i see the world differently, so i think it's time for a change.

i chose Dirty Laundry because my blog is my way of "airing my dirty laundry"... basically my views, everyday life, and secrets.

i am changing it to The Clothesline of a Beatnik, because the clothesline implies that this is my story, my life continuing from day to day like a clothesline, and Beatnik is basically another word for hippie, aka me

haha

me likey.

my aura is made out of bubblegum right now.

happiness.

i'm on my third cup of green tea, and it's largely due to this fact that i am so happy.

Breanne's 18th on Saturday and i can't wait.

once again, i'd rather leave my lingering ideas, lingering nowhere but my mind.

"never is a promise.. and you can't afford to lie"

i just listened to that specific line in a Fiona song <3

i have no words. i just laid in bed and did my homework while listening to Bob.
i'm feeling like green tea.

i should go to the gym in a half hour. i really don't want to. i know i should.
i really don't want to.

i am going to go to Italy this summer. and there's a good chance Breanne will be coming with me. i can't wait.

just the idea of bringing someone along with me is surreal. it's exciting, because whenever i go there it's like i'm travelling to a different world... almost as if it really doesn't exist.

i have a million words i could say
but i feel like it's better left in my imagination.

i forgot to mention...


that i voted today yay!!!!!

"you're about to do something really out of character. have you thought through all the consequences?"

the horoscope today said that. hmmmph.

anyway

i am a drinker of Legends of China green tea. i love it so much that i save the packets they come in and i make posters out of them. i figure, better on my wall looking pretty than in the garbage, right?

but my mom has bought this new kind of green tea. called Tazo Zen, a harmonious blend with lemongrass and spearmint.

it's so yummy.

i love both, so i've decided that Tazo deserves spots on my wall as well.

me tired ridiculously.

saturday night i went to the club, and didn't sleep until 3 in the morning, then had to wake up early to work 9-5 and even with all the drowsiness laying on me, i still couldn't fall asleep until 2 last night

making for a really grumpy christine today.

last night was awful.. i was laying in the most comfortable positions and but my mind was restless. almost like it was on speed, and then coming down from the best high ever, i felt like bubblegum on the bottom of my shoe with the random hair stuck in it.

gross.

i even cried a little whilst talking to God. everything always seems like the end of the world until the sun rises again and i feel like an idiot for even stressing.
basically, i had a 20 minute text conversation with Cameron.
followed by me telling my brother i can't sleep, who was only in the basement.
him and Heather had just gotten to sleep, so i couldn't hang out with them or anything.
i wrote to him that university, my chem test, Vitto, and this summer are what i keep thinking about.

he gave me great advice: he told me to write in my journal, or put on some tea and listen to some bob. he said we'd talk tomorrow.

normally, i would have done just that.

instead, i watched Friends on my iPod and it put me right where it's good. to sleep.

we went to Globe last night to celebrate Breanne's last weekend as a minor ha.

was lots of fun
i may elaborate another day because i just don't think it's important to talk about every pub/club experience i have.

anyways, work today was fucked beyond belief and i was running on little sleep.
and mother will kick my sorry ass if i don't get minimum 80 on my chem final on tuesday.

peace

allo allo

i don't have a purpose of writing right now
i just feel like writing.

i have been ridiculously addicted to Oasis this past week. i don't know what it is, they make me go nuts. i will never stop loving them.

lots of people came into work today. i think i gave away about 6 free drinks man. it was crazy.

saw this guy i haven't seen since grade 9, that was weird. i used to really like him on and off. he's not really my type of guy anymore. but then again, i don't know how he has changed, and i don't really have a type.

Cameron stopped by too.. he's gotten a lot more attractive. i'm pretty sure i told him that on facebook a few months ago too. and he was with Brett. that's a guy i do not understand at all. like, it seems when he comes to second cup he's really nice to me and shit, and i remember he sat by me on the bus once and we had a lovely conversation and then he doesn't even acknowledge my existance at school. it's the weirdest thing. that's what i mean by shady people. and i hate shady people.

oh yeah
so the other day i gave him a phone call. and i was prepared to say what i had to say to be straightforward with him, i even had important points written down so i wouldn't blank out.

and after all that nervosity and preparation, i had a 4 minute conversation with him. 50% was me talking, 25% was him mumbling, and the other 25% was me asking to repeat his uncomprehendable mumbling.

it was painful. i felt as though i was talking to a grade A retard.
and then i called Breanne. and we talked for so long. so so long. and we had a very important and meaningful conversation.
it makes me so incredibly happy to finally have a best friend that i actually like talking to on the phone. i never had a best friend who i texted or talked to ask much as i do with Breanne. it's wickedly cool.

and this weekend Pablo will be giving me a call. and that is one phone call i am really looking forward to.

the television is calling me..

so today went something like this... i woke up at 10 and got myself ready i walked outside with Coldplay in my ears and i set up my chair in the snow. the snow was too deep so i went back inside and waited for my brother to help me he was eating breakfast and i told him the weird dream i had last night: it was a competition in big brother, and they were working together in their couples as usual for one of the competitions they were given a marijuana plant and they had to roll as many joints as they could and they had to smoke half each there were other parts to the competition, so this stage of the competition was to fuck them up so bad that it would be difficult to complete the other tasks. my brother laughed at me and said i watch big brother too much and i smoke too much weed. and then i went back outside and finished some of my chair photoshoot for my portfolio. and then i came inside later and worked on my Zenism free press ad that will also be going into my porty. it looks wicked cool.

just sitting here downloading some songs that i have been meaning to download for some long while... fugees.. the roots.... tony bennett.. Once soundtrack...

hmmm
i think it's probably one of the most frustrating things when you want to download songs and they just won't download.

right now i have a big cloud of anxiety floating above my head simply because i have a mental script of what i have to tell him on the phone tonight.

i am going to be straight-forward with him because he probably thinks i'm just an 18-year-old he can just brush off.

well that is most definitely not the case! i am completely serious about this situation and i am going to tell him that if he wants to be friends, he's going to have to make a conscious effort to do so. and if he's just saying that to be friendly, he can spare me, because i've heard it all before and i just want to know the truth and if it means he doesn't even want to be friends, so be it.

i hate having to wait around for my feelings. i hate having to put them on hold until we have a chance to "talk" or "discuss" because i either want to continue something, or let it go. and having to wait and wait with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn't help me get unattached to you.

BAH guys can be ridiculous sometimes. he told me that he might be going to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend. i asked if they were dating again. he said no and that its complicated.

and then i got angry. i mean, if you truly love somebody, things don't have to be complicated! i told him straight up that his situation doesn't have to be complicated. it's not like anyone's dying here! unless she's confused about her sexuality or something. but i highly doubt she's a bisexual or lesbian.

and even if it means me and him aren't together, i'd rather have him be with someone he loves. but for fuck sakes, stop making things more complicated than necessary! long distances shouldn't matter when it comes to love. actually, nothing matters when it comes to love.

and i just need to tell him that. and make him decide.

now that i have that off my chest (well not completely until i actually tell him this), i can enjoy this music. i just need to jot down important points on a piece of paper before going on the phone.

on another note, i have a soulmate. his name is Pablo. and he is my best friend.

as for my legality, i will be putting it into use very soon because for a couple years now i have been saying that i won't get tattooed because i change my mind so much and i would get tired of it fast.
but i have found the perfect tattoo for this syndrome! it's a brushstroke circle. the zen symbol for infinite. representing the perfect meditative state and enlightenment. i even told my brother about it. i can't wait. but i am still unsure when i am planning on getting it done...

and it's totally me!

i am having a blast.

despite my rise and fall in the past month in terms of falling for someone, i am having so much fun.
i am finally becoming confident with what i want to do in my future and it's all coming together.

i hope i can get my portfolio done in time because i would be the happiest person on Earth. but then again, even if i don't get my portfolio done, i'll be able to take a class at the U to get it done.

and tomorrow i am going to give Vitto an important phone call.

good day.

Monday, Feb 25, 2008
You could be starting to feel a lot tougher and smarter today. And this ought to give you just a taste of all the growth and opportunity that you're likely to be experiencing very soon. So just try to stop worrying about everything and leave the past behind. It's time to get ready for all the new opportunities that could soon be headed your way.

Your days of being taken advantage of may be fading. You’ll probably want to feel respected and appreciated right now, and you may no longer be willing to just sit by and let others take the credit for all your efforts.

i've finallly brought myself to the University of Alberta website to look at what else i could be doing with myself besides Design.

i have come up with the following things in the faculty of arts:
-Film Studies - Creative Writing - Philosophy - Art & Design - Religious Studies-

today i discovered Billeting. living with a family in a different city to go to school. i am considering this because i really want to go to Calgary. it's really a scary thought... living under someone else's roof and following their rules.. and to add to that, i'll be in a new city where i know nobody.

but then i recall the feeling i got when i watched the Academy Awards last night. the highlight, i think, was when they pulled Markéta Irglová back onto stage so she could say her acceptance speech for the award won for Once (amazing movie and soundtrack, by the way).

there is no way to say this in an un-cheesy fashion, but i felt as if she was speaking directly to me. from the Kodak Theater through the television and into my living room, she was looking me straight in the eyes and talking to me. i'll even admit to the tears which began to well up in my eyes.

"the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, is just to prove that no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible, and you know, fair play to those who dream and don't give up. and this song is written from a perspective of hope.. and hope at the end of the day connects us all no matter how different we are"

it took just that to make me realize that i gotta do what i gotta do
to get
right
there.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

it completely blows my mind how i have evolved as a person.

i mean, this week has been making me so clear about myself.
i think about myself as a fifteen year old and i hate how sheltered i was.. . i didn't know anything about anything that i am in love with today! i've allowed myself to be molded by things that have caught my attention.. like Che Guevara and Andy Warhol and Cuban politics and revolutionaries and art..

it really makes me feel pity towards three quarters of my high school population who are going through life with no REAL INTERESTS or passions about anything that's really important in this world.

i feel like an old soul, almost.. i could research things on the internet pertaining to the 60s.. revolutions.. hippies.. beatniks.. Andre Breton, Andy Warhol, Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Bob Marley, surrealism, psychedelics, zenism, buddhism.. there's just so much

and as i looked through my Underground Free Press Ads between1965-1975 book, it made me realize how much of a creative wasteland we live in. people 30 years ago had so much to say, and youth today don't give two shits about anything.

it's really disheartening..

i feel a rainbow better,

a million rainbows better. a million red balloons better. a million licks of a lollipop better. a million strokes of a guitar better. a million bicycles better. a million coldplay songs better. a million cups of green tea better. a million scented candles better. a million tricycles better. a million joints better. a million fairytales better. a million bubble gum scented slammers better. a million necklaces better. a million bed sheets better. a million conversations with God better. a million Andy Warhol paintings better. a million childhood memories better. a million first kisses better. a million ocean waves better. a million curls better. a million live concerts better. a million cuddles better. a million sneakers better. a million dollars better. a million love notes better. a million rooftops better. a million night skylines better. a million tree forts better. a million sunsets better. a million drives through Tuscany better. a million gusts of wind through my hair better. a million roasted marshmellows better. a million birthday cakes better. a million anniversaries better. a million smiles better. a million melting ice cream cones better. a million bike rides with dad better. a million cute kittens better. a million plane rides better. a million yellow taxi cabs better. a million lullabies better. a million family dinners better. a million best friends better. a million soulmates better. a million hot chocolates better. a million movies better. a million cozy sweaters better. a million nostalgic moments better. a million walks around Lago di Tovel better. a million gypsy queens better. a million dances better. a million gold medals better. a million pillows better.

there is a reason that i wanted to pull a friday afternoon with Breanne on a Tuesday.

the past few days i have been unusually and unnecessarily lonely and depressed.

basically, it's a situation with Vitto. i won't get into it because i'm feeling optimistic about it for the moment, but basically if we hook up now, it will be difficult to continue a relationship in the future due to the circumstances starting in June.

but i am willing to give it a try even though before meeting him, i was bitter from previous experiences i have unfortunately experienced.

but there is something i realized about myself that would have aided me a great deal a few years ago. there are some things that are able to cheer me up instantaneously.

1) talking to God.. reminds me that i am never alone.
2) listening to loud music, singing along, and dancing at the same time
3) drinking green tea
4) creating artsy things

as Castro was retiring yesterday,

i was at Breanne's house with Olivia where we smoked cigarettes beneath her window and had profound conversations about Anne Frank, Che Guevara and Socialism. we also baked cookies which proved rather difficult.

in other words, we pulled a "friday afternoon".

and i also went to the gym for the first time in a very long while. yay for me

Fidel Castro retired yesterday. how sucky is that. i wonder what Che Guevara would think if he knew how powerful Fidel became..

if only he knew that the CIA tried killing Fidel a hundred times and never succeeding.
if only he knew the great things Fidel has done for Cuba.
if only he knew that Fidel has survived to be the world's longest-serving head of state.

if only he was still alive.

" Did i strike the right set of chords? you're annoyed.
The goal is to ignite you then move on.
You feel ill at ease. you got no squeeze.
And the wise cracks won't make you more stable.
You've learned you lines to scale and to time.
Why must i remind you now i'm only less able.
Cut from bad cloth or soiled like socks
We're ordinary people we can't help but to change

As we walk and make plans in the dark
Or make haste with the boy who can't help
But creep good people out.
As you talk to me too much you're assuming
We don't always want what's right."

i feel the urge to write something important. not that this recent Vitto blabber isn't important, because it is, but i go days with a million thoughts i'd love to write about, but i never actually write about them.

you've seen funeral processions before, yes? ok, well me and Daniel were on the road today and there was one going on and traffic was clogged majorly. and then i thought... what would the dead person think if they knew that their funeral was causing so many people road rage? and then i thought... i hope when i die i don't get a funeral procession... but then i thought.. maybe i do want a funeral procession when i die and i came up with the conclusion that funeral processions were invented so that the dead person can have a last chance at pissing off a mass amount of people.


a few days ago, Drew sent me a message telling me that if i don't vote for conservatives, he would lose it on me. as i look in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have told him who i was voting for instead because he went completely rank on my ass. saying that me and my opinion were retarded. he also seems to have collected this comic book interpretation of what my party represents. saying that they will put humans as their last priority and they will become like Hitler, but instead of wiping out a certain race, they will wipe out the whole human civilization. sounds like Pinky and the Brain to me! anyways, after he told me that i shot back at him that a) the election is for the premier and the premier can only do so much b) here he is putting Hitler in a bad light, when he is doing exactly what Hitler did! he was telling ME that my beliefs are stupid and wrong, so i told him he was the one doing as Hitler did and that he should take the stick out of his ass and c) if he can't handle people thinking differently than him, he doesn't belong in a democracy government. i suggested he move to Cuba where there is only one option to vote for... he wouldn't have to deal with opposing opinions.

and on top of that, i also included a reference to extremes just as he did. i simply told him that the party i'm voting for would win, take over, and attempt to wipe out human civilization. i would then become a revolutionary, overthrow their government using guerrilla warfare and rule Canada for the next 40 years in a true Socialist manner.

and today as i laid my head on Vitto's chest, i told him this situation. Vitto totally agrees with me and supports the same party as i do, saying that just because they put the environment ahead of people, does not in any way mean they'll be wiping out human civilization. in fact, it's the complete opposite. they support sustainability and if you know what sustainability means, then you'll know that the last thing they want to do is kill humans. if the environment is not sustained, then how on earth are humans supposed to sustain themselves????

and don't get me wrong, global warming could probably be a scam because it's a natural process. all the planets are heating up, it's just what happens when the sun gets hotter over time. BUT that does NOT mean we can continue the way we are. there is always room for improvement when it comes to how we treat the earth in everyday life. so don't think i've fallen for Al Gore's latest money maker documentary. in fact, i hate the prick. i think i deserve the Nobel Peace Prize more than he does.

but back to this heated political debate (which shouldn't be instigated between people under any circumstance!!!), i told him that there probably are flaws in my favored party, just as he and i do, but they also have very positive things too. i also said that the conservatives probably have positive things to offer as well. but the way i see the world is most strongly matched with the way my favored party sees the world, and that's the truth in all it's rawness.

Aquarius January 20-February 18
Saturday, Feb 16, 2008

This should turn out to be a pretty good day for you, and you'll probably be feeling very much in tune with everything and everyone around you. Relationships of all kinds should be going very smoothly for you right now, particularly your romantic relationships. And you might be eager to find some new and exciting ways of enjoying yourself today.

It’d also be a good time to try to find some new ways of expressing your creative energies. Just try to be open to as many new experiences as possible today.

i got to lay in Vitto's arms today. i got to kiss his lips today. i got to hear his heart beat today. i got to play with his hair today. i got to feel appreciated when he'd lay his head on my chest and just be today. i got to get my bare back caressed today. i got to smile today.

he could be the best thing to happen to me.

Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean.

Judge not
Before you judge yourself.
Judge not
If you're not ready for judgement. Woah oh oh!

The road of life is rocking
And you may stumble too.
So while you talk about me,
someone else is judging you.

today couldn't have been more perfect.

isn't it an awesome feeling when you find someone so special?? i mean, after everything that has happened in the past couple years, i was left with virtually no best friends. i went from having a handful of them to losing them. one of those was such an essential part of my life. she was completely and totally my best friend, together we'd be forever. stuff that intense doesn't happen to some people, and it happened to me without me even knowing.

after school i went tanning. at 1:15 i arrived at Breanne's. we sat in her room, talked about feather ruffling topics, smoked cigarettes, and listened to Mazzy Star.

it was pure euphoria.. bliss. the sun in my eyes, i closed them slowly.. opened them slowly to watch the smoke in the sunlight swirl above my head that was already in the clouds.

happy valentine's day everybody!

like it's worth the recognition anyways. today Vitto sent me a text saying he hates valentine's day but he hoped i was having a good one. if the truth will be told, it doesn't really affect me. it doesn't make me bitter, it doesn't make me happy... it makes me feel... indifferent. i know some people are all for it, and i know others hate it, but it doesn't bother me at all.

it started off as a pretty shitty day, however. i'm not even sure why... i failed my reading comprehension test which probably contributed to my lousy mood massively.. but there was something irritating me. it might have been Breanne... actually i think it was because of her and i don't really know why.

Tom is making her dinner tonight... and she had this sweet plan to do something naughty with cinnamon hearts.

anywhoodle, i had a hair appointment at 3 and i walked out hating my hair as usual... but now i love it love it love it

after schoolio today: me, Breanne and her gay friend Calvin (who is awesome by the way!) went to whyte avenue.

me and Breanne found this awesome little store which we've vowed to go to at least once every couple months because they have the coolest shit! and it's so obscure.. nobody knows about it, and i won't tell anybody about it either haha.

it was awesome... just going in and out of random stores and wanting every sweet lamp i lay my eyes upon. and then we went into this other store which was really sweet where i bought ten sticks of incense for Vitto. it was just a lot of fun. i can't wait until it warms up outside so we can go to Whyte ave more often and experience everything there is to experience!

as for Saturday, i will be spending the day with Vitto. for sure this time! we can watch Across The Universe... burn his new nice smelling incense... cuddle... snuggle.... canoodle... drink tea... walk Whyte ave.. snoop around in little antique stores...

he's amazing. have i mentioned?

my english teacher asked me why i looked confused one day, after he wrote the structure of an essay on the board. i told him because i don't like structure because it's restricting. Breanne says i'll forever be the girl who doesn't like structure.

but sometimes i find that looking at things in their primary state for their primary purpose makes accomplishing them a whole lot easier.

i ask myself... what is the primary purpose of this english response??

with a hopeful mind-set and some good advice from a friend who suggests a source of inspiration,

i tell myself... "his eyes are so blue. like a swimming pool in which i can swim."

that's raw.

"“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”"

B.M. is my muse

it would have been a nice afternoon spent with Vitto if i actually went to his place, but i didn't, because it's so bloody cold out.

i never thought i'd say this again, but i'm sitting in a large bowl of suckiness.

according to Matt i should be angry at Mr Sainchuk because he picks on me a lot. there's something about him.. the way he puts me on the spot, but i turn ridiculously red every time he talks to me in that class.

it bothers me so much because i'm not ashamed at what i'm saying, i just hate being put on the spot.

anyways, after school today me and Breanne bought Silent Sam (haha) and then went to Mt. Fuji to pick up our food and talk to Vin.

we went to her place and while eating Mt Fuji and drinking vodka and coke, we watched Across The Universe. i am so excited for this movie. i love it so much that i could watch it everyday. i watched it today with Breanne and i was really excited because she hadn't seen it yet. and tomorrow i'm going to watch it with Vitto, who also hasn't seen it.

after that me and Breanne went to londonderry where i bought ten dollar shoes and a 60 dollar fancy top... the first of many i'm predicting.

i love Breanne.

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Feb 7, 2008 You should be coming across very well to other people right now. You ought to be able to make a positive impression a little more easily than usual today. And you should find that this really ought to help you out when it comes to dealing with any sort of romantic interests right now.

So go ahead and take a few risks and express your feelings today. And if you feel like having a good time right now, just be careful that you don’t overdo it. If you play your cards right, this could turn out to be one of your luckier days of the month.


my favorite class is probably English. Mr Sainchuk is awesome.

i went tanning today for twenty minutes. i feel like a walking cancer.

my eyes are ridiculously dry.

i'm sitting here with the laptop on my lap and the tv in front of me. apparently Kursten Dunst is going to rehab. what is this? maybe i should get a career in a rehab facility. i'm so obsessed with hollywood that if i were to work at a rehab facility in California, i would surely meet enough stars to do some high quality name dropping.

did i mention i bought Across The Universe on Tuesday??? i watched the day of and it was amazing as usual. i'm going to watch it tomorrow at Breanne's place, and i'm going to watch it at Vitto's on saturday. it's so exciting!!!

the past few weeks i've been ridiculously unmotivated to do anything related to my portfolio. my motivation and excitement returned yesterday... and i am sure that this is the field for me. i am totally 100% sure.

can you believe that that stupid Hannah Montana movie was number one in box offices this week?! either the population is utterly RETARDED or our population consists of MOSTLY teenyboppers.

Anna Nicole Smith's daughter is so cute.

hahahah today i laughed because Vitto doesn't get paid until next week so that ruins our dinner date because he is broke and he's stubborn and wants to pay. so we're staying in and cooking dinner ourselves!! how cute is that.

except i'm kind of sketchy about it because his parents will probably be there, and i'm not very comfortable around parents, you know? sometimes i wish i was like Heather in the way that she is so outgoing.

hmmph. i really don't feel like writing. i just spent an hour and half writing a paper for English. and another hour on chemistry. i absolutely love only having two core subjects this semester. love love love it

do you ever see a date and know it holds some sort of importance, but you just can't think of it?

that's whats been happening with me and February 4th. it looks like a big day, but i just can't think of what might have happened on February 4th one year, two years, three years or maybe four years ago... it's very bothersome.

on another note, i'm beginning to feel intimidated by somebody i don't even know

oh yeah
i was reading an old post and realized i made a mistake. Vitto didn't live in Australia for 6 months. he went there twice. the first time for 10 and a half months and the second time for 3 months

HOW SWEET IS THAT?!

you know what else is absolutely euphoric?

feeling as if i finally found someone worth my time. i used to think it was too exhausting meeting someone new and getting to know them. but with Vitto, it's so easy and relaxed.

today in English, Mr. Sainchuk was talking about relationships. i can't remember exactly what he said, but this girl in my class was talking....
"... it's important to get to know the person at the beginning of a relationship"
Mr. Sainchuk responded..
"but WHY?! what on earth is the rush????? why do you need to get to know him overnight?? guys, when you spend all your time with your girlfriend, i assure you that the relationship will not last. if you want your relationship to last, you have to take your time and slowly get to know each other."

it seems that everything he says is directed to me somehow. i can relate somehow to everything he talks about.
he has this weird habit of knowing people without actually knowing them... on the first day he asked me if i was a good writer. i responded..
"i dunno... maybe"
"i dunno? maybe? how will you attract any men with that confidence. 'look at me! i have no confidence in myself! how on earth will i meet a guy who wants to be with someone who has such low confidence?!'"

it was just ridiculous. sure everyone was laughing and so was i. but he read me like a book. the next class he was talking about palm reading. i happened to grab the spot at the front so he grabs my hand and predicts my future as follows...
"ahh... ok. so you will soon meet someone very special who you will care about dearly. but in 6 months he will dump you and you will not get over it for 4 years!"

my jaw nearly dropped because it sounded like something that could totally happen to me. it already has, just divide the time periods in half!

but Vitto is totally cool. he sent me the sweetest thing just now..
"it's a good thing because i really do like you and taking this slow is a smart idea. but ya like i said i am stoked to hang out with you. ha and i am really looking forward to stealing that kiss. and taking naps with you while listening to records heh"
"i totally think that is how you start a good relationship. it will be more about us than that."

i don't know what i did to deserve someone like him. maybe those late night chats with God while sipping on green tea and listening to Mazzy Star really worked.

he is amazing.

been sitting here for awhile listening to Fiona Apple while doing chemistry homework. music has the ability to make me happy even when doing chemistry homework.
or maybe it was the text conversation between Vitto and I.

now i'm listening to Mazzy Star. they're angels.
when i listen to their music i imagine myself in a different world saturated with color. i have long wavy dark hair in this world and i'm wearing a nice sundress and i'm laying in a field of ridiculously green grass and i watch the ridiculously white clouds travel across the ridiculously blue sky.

it's euphoric.

i think my favorite music of all time has to be within these artists: Coldplay, Oasis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bloc Party, Bob Marley, Fiona Apple, and Mazzy Star

my life is complete when all the above are included

yesterday me and Vitto went to Heather's condo where she and my brother made dinner. after dinner we hung out until 9:30 when we went to Empress.

it wasn't as awesome as last time i went because i didn't really have a lot to drink.. just random sips from Daniel and Vitto's beers.

as time went on, my legs eventually rested on top of Vitto's leg, and he held my hand for a bit.
that was the best part.

Friday or Saturday he wants to go out to Da Capo and maybe catch a movie at the Garneau.

he gives me butterflies

another positive note! i weighed myself this morning and i am now 148 pounds! which totals to 7 pounds lost in the last few months. i haven't weighed under 150 in so long....


positivity all around!

last night i went to the Etherial CD Release party. i went with Aislin, Haley and Shawn. there was a lot of people there from our school.. ones that usually never go to their shows. it was pretty fun and then we went to the Liquor store where we bought some booze with my newly legal identification.

i love Haley because she makes me laugh really really hard with her random expressions and sayings.
i love Aislin because she's cute and she keeps us under control.. for the most part.
i love Amanda because she becomes a sultry spanish man when under the influence and says things like "Como stas bitchessss" and "OLE!" and "hombre" hahaha.
i love Kari because she's an alcoholic.

i love live music because it's hypnotizing.

afterwards, we went to McDonald's because Haley and I were hungry and i hadn't eaten anything that day which probably explains why i was completely out of my mind with only a few shots of captain morgan's.

anyways, Aislin drove me home and i laid in bed and texted Vitto for about an hour. i confessed that i couldn't stop thinking about him at the concert.

and that's when he confessed that he really likes me and thinks i'm amazing.

WHAAAAA???? i was totally thrown off in a totally awesome way.

i can't wait to see him in approximately 3 hours for dinner at Heather's condo and then out to the bar!!!

it was a very chill day.

i had cosmetology with my girls first block.
i had english with my girl second block.
i had spare with myself third block.
i had lunch with my girl at lunch.
i had chemistry with my crew 4th block.

went downtown and took a bus to his house fifth block.
blazed with my boys sixth block.
watched Knocked Up and burned incense with my boy 7th block.
drank green tea with my boy eighth block.

i think i really like him for long time.

i'm tired of saying nothing about what has been happening to me.

on one hand, i really really want to talk about it. but on the other hand, i want to keep it myself because i don't know what is going to happen.

i'll keep it down to the basics..
that guy that i met at the bar.. Vitto. well we've been texting for the past three days. and i'm hanging out with him tomorrow.

basically, he could be one of the coolest people i've ever met. he's 22 and a hippie. he has those really old VW vans from the 70s and he lived in Australia for 6 months and went to New Zealand and was pretty much a beach bum.

the best part? he's friends with my brother. i told my brother yesterday we were going to hang out and all he could say (with a big smile on his face) was "i'm going to kill that guy." but then he continued to say he's a really really wicked guy. and he's italian! him and my brother went to italian school together. and to add to that, he grew up 2 doors down from my brothers girlfriend, Heather. so it won't be awkward when and if we hang out together.

last night me and Vitto were texting and it was 1 am and he told me to tell my brother "il gatto nero fa meow meow" (in italian it means the black cat goes meow meow) and so i told me brother and my brother says "tell him- Come lo sai esopo?" (which means how do you know, esopo?) and Vitto sends one back saying he laughed so hard.

i was so out of the loop but he then told me it was an italian song they learned in Italian school.

it's just a really really cool feeling. i have no way of knowing what will happen, but i can't wait, whatever it is.

i really like writing about meaningful things that won't make me want to smack myself upside the head a few years down the road.

Follow me because
I will lead the way
to the very end of the things I pray
and all that I know I will pass on
until the day you will need me no more.

I will take you to where you’ve never been before.
and I’ll show you all of this colourful world
and when the moment comes that you will carry on,
You, you’ll do the same
You will lead the game
for another, another
just like you.

do you ever actually think about the water you drink?
i mean, the Earth only has a certain amount of water which has been recycled since the beginning of time.

i imagine the water people are drinking is entering their bodies, exiting their bodies, going into the water cleaning system and so on..

and then when you add rivers, lakes, oceans, and even the water cycle! i mean, it is totally possible that i am drinking water that has travelled to the sky!

or maybe Cleopatra bathed in the same bath water as i do! there are a million possibilites.

just think of how ancient water molecules are.. they never really disappear.

oh, the stories water would tell if only it could talk.

i just would like to mention that under Aquarius woman and Sagittarius male it says this:

LOOSE. free with their bods, treat 'em like temples

=D

i have this nasty habit.

not necessarily nasty, but it's an awful habit to have because it's exactly what women do wrong.

i have this old old old magazine from 2000.. it's Teen People and it has Sisqo on the cover. i refer to this magazine many times in my life. specifically when i meet a new guy. any new guy.. even the ones i don't want to be with romantically.

inside there's three pages.
the first page is for the women. it has all the zodiac signs and under it says for each zodiac what about men they prefer most... in areas such as appearance, personality, ideals etc...

for example, under Aquarius (me!) it says this...
LOOKS:
DUDE. rude-boy vibe. skate, ska-style. fluid body lingo. radical hair-- the odd dye job, tattoo or piercing.
PERSONALITY:
CONSCIOUS. visionary. probing. provocative. out of bounds. zealous. exceptional. progressive. humane. lustily longing.
IDEALS:
CHANGE. rebellion. individualism. self-promotion. clarity. invention. tolerance. temperance.
AMBITION:
NIRVANA.ending strife. fostering solidarity. solving global problems.

on the second page is what men want.

for example i will pick want an Aquarian man would want (and for the record, i've never actually had to look under this zodiac sign for men before)...
LOOK:
LOVE CHILD. beads, braids. buff yoga bod. strappy styles. corn-fed face. techno-trappings. open gaze.
and so on and so on.
i use this page a lot. and even though it's probably not true, it's cool to see what it says anyways.

finally! the third and last page is a table. across the top are the mens zodiac signs and going down the side are the womens zodiac signs. you find the woman's and man's sign and see their compatibility. ( i also love and use this a lot)

so when i use Aquarius and Aquarius together here is what it says:
EXTRA-ORDINARY. normal outside, freaky inside. both brainy.

how cool is that?!?!

let's be nerdy and confess that this is my 900th post!!

how ridiculous is that.

very very ridiculous.

i sit here with not an ounce of worry for i am officially done semester one of my senior year. YAY

also, my brother's italian friend who i met at the bar (see previous post for reference) has added me to facebook and while having a pleasant conversation, he asked for my brother's phone number because he changed phones and didn't have it anymore. so i gave it to him with the clever remark "do you want mine too while you're at it? haha just kidding.." and he said "sure! just don't tell dan he might kill me"

so he text messaged me and we texted last night for a few hours.

it was pretty ... weird haha

i had a feeling that once i have the title of "adult" i'd become this force to be reckoned with. and that, i have become =D

alright so this is how my 18th birthday went. and yes i remember everything.

i had Social diploma prep. courses until 9 so my brother picked me up from St.Joes and we stopped at a liquor store and picked up some rye and then we bought some diet coke and ice and then we went to Heather's condo.

there, my brother gave me my birthday present (which was probably more for him in the end haha). he got me an Oasis DVD which we watched while pre-drinking at the condo.

Sari, Sinan, Natalie and Teng then showed up and me and Daniel crammed in the car and we headed to Halo.

Halo is really really cool. my brother bought us all yagger bombs (sp?) which are shots of some kind of alcohol and red bull. they are really expensive but my brother said it's tradition and our parents gave us $165 to spend haha. anyways, so by this time i was pretty intoxicated and Andrea showed up which was cool.

i figured i'm a club person. i enjoy sitting around getting drunk but i really like dancing so me, Teng, Andrea and Natalie danced in a circle and the DJ was playing some pretty wicked songs which i enjoyed. after a little bit of that we crammed into the car (Natalie only had a beer so we weren't drinking and driving!) and headed to Empress on whyte ave. where my brother's friend Greg was having his birthday which i thought was pretty sweet.

so we get to this pub and i sit down and plop my elbow into a million puddles of beer, but by this time i was so fucked i didn't care. let me re-phrase that. i wasn't "so fucked", but i was the drunkest i've ever been in my life, which is a little more drunk than tipsy... enough so that my vision was bouncing off the walls.. i made it clear that i'm a weed kind of girl haha

anyways, so i meet Greg who i've actually met before at the art show but i actually talk to him thanks to social lubricators (alcohol) and he is a really cool guy. we were all talking about his trip to Europe with Teng and he's really funny.

and then i met this guy named Vittorio who actually went to Italian school with my brother like ages ago. we talked a lot. he's currently upgrading but he travelled a lot.. went to New Zealand and Australia, and my brother was saying that he lived in Australia for 6 months or something. this guy is so interesting and pretty cute as well. actually, i mentioned later (to my brother) that he kinda looks like Elijah Wood.

he even bought me a drink. and threw me a couple smiles here and there. he told me he really likes the movie Into The Wild and i mentioned my brother wanted to see that and then he had a brilliant idea that we all go see it! which would be pretty cool...

anyways, it was a little before 2 am when we left and got dropped off back at Heather's condo. me and my brother watched more of the Oasis DVD when i felt like total crap and walked calmly to the bathroom. my brother asking if i was feeling alright and i calmly responded with a no. i embraced the toilet and without much panic (which is totally unusual for me because i hate hate hate throwing up and i always start bawling haha... last time i threw up was 2 years ago in Italy due to severe exhaustion and jet lag) and i threw up. and it smelled like alcohol which made me want to throw up even more.

it was an awesome awesome awesome night.
but if i see or smell alcohol in this next week i will probably hurl. gross

the plan was to go to Black Dog with my brother and his friends. Black Dog is a cool bar which i 've been to before so it would've been sweet to celebrate my 18th there.

However, it burned down last night. which makes me laugh because instances such as this one tend to happen to me.

anyways, i'm taking it as a good thing because i'm going to Halo instead which should be even cooler than Black Dog.

i've seen pictures and it looks like clubs in The Hills. and my brother even knows the guy who designed it.

so i'm even more excited now.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am 18 today. i can call in to radio stations, win the lottery, buy tobacco, go to jail, vote, walk into bars, rent a car, reserve a hotel room, go to pubs and clubs, be on girls gone wild, buy porn, go to a strip club, get tattoos, be kicked out of my house legally, be called for jury service, change my name, open a cheque account/get a VISA card, enter a contract, rent a property in my name, bet on sports/races, get married, sign myself out of class, join the army, and i'm sure there are plenty of other things i can do.

oh, what a world of opportunities!

i was so wanting to write about events of these past days. now i'm too lazy and i've lost all motivation to write those events.

sub-consciously i know it's better to leave it unpublished because .. well because.

or maybe that's just the excuse i'm sticking to because there are a lot of parts i don't really remember.

me and Breanne and a ghost from my past (an attractive one at that) smoked up and there's always little comments that make you laugh and you file it away in the brain and never remember them after that moment.

i wish i could remember. i love things that make me laugh. somehow it's depressing to think that these hilarious comments during a nice blaze are lost in the twilight zone, never to be found again.

as for the ghost of my past. i did not forget that. it's weird. definitely weird.

this is the last position i ever thought i'd be in. it's like fucking with my brain or something. like i've been rewinded.

i don't want it to be like a year ago though. i mean, it's so done! i should be moving on.
i think i'm in though. i think? we haven't discussed it and in no way am i bringing it up. i brought it up the other night when we were texting. i hate talking about it. i force myself to hate it because when i think about it i tend to create a DISASTER.

nobody likes disaster's.

i don't think i'll even mention his name. but it does start with a J.

LOL