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as i sat in psychology this morning, i didn't think i would ever live to hear the bell ring. it was the longest class ever. we watched Black Diamond in English, compliments of Breanne, and in French we watched the french version of Taxi. unfortunately, i now see french men as greasy people with a constant glisten on their faces of a mixture of sweat and grease. sick. close-ups definitely not needed.

went home, i watched Finding Nemo and almost fell asleep. then i just kind of did nothing. im not really sure. cleaned my room and changed the decor. the cover on my couch is now an off-white, and the bed cover is a shimmery gold, i cleaned out my closet, put the clothes i don't wear in a garbage bag (and kept it lol) and i put my new found clothes in the drawers neatly.

i recently raided my mom's closet, and found a lot of neat stuff.

i got some pictures of Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick, and some swimsuit models amidst the lake water and put them on a black background and put them on my wall.

i always keep the farthest wall blank though. there's two reasons for that: 1) it makes the room look bigger when it doesn't have anything on it 2) it's hard to put stuff on it without making it crooked

i only have my rosary's hanging at the far right.

Breanne's in Red Deer, Alyssa's in Europe, Jordan's working. on Sunday i'm going to Beverly to see Breanna. Monday i'm going to see an indie film with Breanne. sometime next week i'm going to go to Edmonton Fashion Week with Breanne and possibly Tyler and Kari.

i'm just happy it's Spring Break. more time to work out and sleep and see friends =)

equally balanced

today was pretty alright. i went to school, had cosmetology first, where Tracy sprayed my legs with self tanner, and when i put my feet on the ground to get up, i nearly fell on my ass because the floor was all slippery and orange with self-tanner. GROSS I KNOW, and all over the bottom of my shoes as well. she's really sweet. i've known her since grade eight i think.

i've come to realize that when i was in junior high, everyone had these circles of friends that i didn't fit into.. because i went to a different elementary than all of them, but now in high school, i feel as if i have that group of friends, you know ? it's just my mentality right now, it's kind of difficult to explain.

i worked out today with Selena and Amanda. entered at 3:06, RIGHT after i finished writing a near impossible chemistry test. and i left at 3:56. it used to be so hard to stay in the work out room for even 20 minutes, but now it's a breeze. it's a lot of fun and it doesn't feel like a chore anymore. except it got frustrating as Selena was helping me on my abs, and it was really hard and all Amanda could do is sit there and make commentary here and there. which made me laugh. which therefore made the ab work outs almost impossible to do.

it definitely feels good after. i feel so healthy and just lollipops. then i came home and watched the rest of Dodgeball lol. then i had a massive headache, and i fell asleep and woke up to Lauren's text messaging. and then my mom talked to me about my marks. she didn't yell. it was weird. it's safe to say that she actually talked.

then i had a yogurt.

today in French, i was texting. stupid me, i got a funny message so i had this big smile on my face and Mr F was like "put that away right now". he's moved me so much in that class and now i sit right in front of his podium. i still manage to converse with those around me and text message. anyways, then he went on about the logics of students and text messaging. and how once they're hands aren't on the desk, suspision rises. and then i was like "well my hands are always on my lap." and he said "it doesnt matter." and i was like "well i've been text messaging this whole class and you haven't noticed" STUPID ME.
he took my phone away. luckily, i got it back at the end of class. but honestly, why would i ever say such a stupid thing. then there's Sabrina in the back laughing the loudest of all of them and she's like "oh my God Christine."

it was all good fun. until he said he's going to request an interview. NOOOOOOO

it's time to be sweet Christine and beg Mr F to give me mercy and forgiveness.

ps. old blog and this blog are now equally balanced

cinzano mixing style

my english teacher said that a student once asked her how come stories are always so negative.. they always end depressing.

she said that it's because if everything was always happy, there would be no reason to write. stories are so good and inspiring because they're negative. it wouldn't have the same impact on the audience if it was all happy and lollipops.

and i'm guessing that's how come my blog isn't really what it used to be. i get angry from time to time, but i avoid complaining too much. i'm pretty sure, no, i KNOW my blog entries are boring, because i'm not picking out all the crappy things in life, i just tell of the funny minor events that happen from day to day. and at this point in time, that's all i really need.

yay

YAY I REMEMBERED. Entourage starts in due time <3333333


lmao

this ordeal

ps.

DAMNIT. i had so much to say and i forgot it all. now watch, i'll post this and close everything and then i'll remember exactly what i wanted to say.

my brain is such a difficult force to reckon with.

lately i've been saying phrases i don't even know make sense, but they sound quite alright so i don't really take too much interest in this ordeal.

i'll have you know

i will have you know that in 5 posts, i will have the same number of posts as i do in my old blog. i will also have you know that, yes, i do realize i haven't written in a couple days. and yes, i will have you know that my brain is spilling.

i went to Fresh Start today and handed in my first module. i am now 1/3 finished Religion 35, how glorious. me and Breanne ate Chinese food within the hour i had to wait fro Fresh Start to open. Mr Adamoski shook my hand after, and wished me a happy spring break, and the sad thing is, i didn't actually shake his hand because he was too "slick" for me. how sad hey, an old balding man who shaves his legs is too slick for ME.

i got my chemistry test back today and i got EIGHTY SEVEN PERCENT. how pro am i seriously. i would say quite a bit. i also wrote an essay today throughout lunch. it was good. last night, me and my mom finished watching the movie, and we discussed it for like two hours. she always brings up the best points, and she's a very deep person... always says something my brain can linger on for a while, and she gave me some great things to say in my essay. we had to write it on The Crucible. thing is, i didn't really see the greatness of this play until my mom talked it over with me. all of a sudden, i was so involved in it and i felt real anger towards how IGNORANT AND STUPID human beings can be. like, it just doesn't click in my brain, how all this deceit could be going on right under their noses. they must know, of course they know, but everyone is just so busy being weak-willed and big fucking babies that they don't do anything.

does this make any sense to you ? they used to throw women in a lake. if she drowned, that meant she was human, but if she didn;t drown, that mean she was a witch, meaning they killed her anyways. HONEST TO GOD MAN, you would think after some time that everyone they question is dying no matter what. it just gets to me ya know. i feel very strongly about this.

i worked out yesterday. it's quite funny to be honest, Amanda couldn't work out because she lost a shoe, so i was like alright then, i guess i gotta work out on my own. so i get to the work out room and Melissa is there. she was doing totally different things than me, but still, it seems whenever i'm going to do something by myself, i always bump into someone i know. same thing with the library. i go there sometimes to work on homework and whatnot, but someone always seems to join me and i never get anything done.

Alyssa leaves for Europe soon. Breanne's going to Red Deer this weekend. Jordan got a job at the cineplex and works a lot next week. yes, it's spring break next week. i am so jubilant for this matter because well, it's spring break. who isn't. .. .. i actually have no real reason to be excited. i'm gonna see if i could possibly maybe go to Red Deer with Breanne this weekend to stay with her brother.

America's Next Top Model tonight ? and going for an hour run to work off that greasy chinese food ? I THINK YES. i'll talk to you when i feel the time is right.

the hills

i just watched the whole first season of The Hills on mtv.ca

and i loved every second of it

wowie

i haven't spoken to him in two days and it sucks.
how will i survive when he leaves this country for 15 days
AHHHHH

hours on end

alright so this is my final say for the day since all the other ones i've written were just really ..

so i wrote my Psychology test and i got 90% on it, and i also got my Chemistry test back and i got 90% on it.
i feel fucking good when that happens.

i talked to Joe on msn until almost midnight last night. i really miss that guy. we actually talked about life and stuff. hmmph, i just wish i saw him more often. a few days ago he said sorry for not keeping in touch, with his phone not working and all.

i really just want to just go crazy with stuff. do you ever feel so passionate about something, you think it's the coolest thing and you could look into it for hours, you could soak it all up, you could look at it from above below right left or diagonally... and never get bored of it. never ever. i just want to get to that spot in life.

i want to rent all those old movies starring Audrey Hepburn and James Dean. and i wanna watch those movies directed by Andy Warhol. he was so eccentric. i would die just to meet him in heaven, it feels sometimes. i just wanna like have a conversation with him because the way his gears turn seem so interesting, no one is like him and the stuff he did was just, so weird and regular that it was cool. he filmed his friend sleeping for like seven hours, and he made a film on couples kissing. just regular stuff people don't notice every single day. i find that people are so caught up in being different, when being average and regular would be regarded as different, as intriguing almost.

i just love the world and all the people in it, and the different thoughts people conjure.

i'm clausterphobic. when i was a kid i could never hide under the bed because i was always scared i might get stuck or it would collapse on me. i feel like that sometimes. i just wanna be like him. so bad so bad. i want to be famous so bad.

i wanna do something everyone will think about for hours on end, wondering how come they didn't come up with that.

just like how i feel with Andy.

need to be said

although politics should never be discussed, i would like to voice my opinion as of late.

why does everyone hate Bush ? i mean, he's only human.. a president for fuck sakes, he's got a lot of pressure on him, he doesn't need people bashing him left right and center for every mistake he makes on top of the national issues he already has to take care of. i'd love to see every anti-Bush believer be president of the united states of fucking america.

to add, because im really hyped up on this issue is that what else is Bush supposed to do? in the middle east, they're brian washed to believe that suicide bombing and terrorist attacks are an honourably thingso whats he going to do, sit there and do nothing while his country is in potential danger?and its not only him who decides these things. it has to go through approval through the senate and so on.and if there was a next world power, it would be China. everything's made in China, they even have man power.and it was recent when there was a drop in the stock market in China for some reason or anotherand it affected the stock market in Europe, New York and other important places in the world.

there is only one thing i wish: that Al Gore was president and did something to change the way we treat the place we call home

Nan your a window shopper

Get up in the morning and you like your tea milkyYou fumble for your glasses coz without em you cant seeIts funny how I come round your house and im 20And I still have to wear all the presents you sent meI walk into your kitchen everything’s got a labelYou done your Christmas shopping and we're only in AprilAnd you wont leave your house unless your wearing your thermalsYour covered all in cat hair and your stinking like StrepsilsYour heading down the Bowls ClubHave another orange squashBowls are rollin rollin rollinYou cant walk right coz things aren’t what they wereYour ankles are swollen swollen swollen

Taking a look but you never buy Nan you’re a window shopper You wont pick it up if it's over a five Nan you’re a window shopperGet on the bus coz you still cant driveNan you’re a window shopperMad as fuck only just alive

Walking down the post office to pick up your pensionAnd then your off to Bingo Its become an obsessionSo wary of the kids when their wearin their hoods upAnd even if they smile at you, you think it’s a stick upYou only buy the paper to cut out the couponsYour saving 50p but what do you want with tamponsYour always at the doctor picking up your prescriptionAnd they throw in some K-Y just to ease up the frictionYou got a leak in your colostomy bagYeah its got a hole in hole in hole inAt the weekend your shopping with your trolleyIts sad how your rollin rollin rollin

edie sedgwick

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVRmt0J6JNg

heart breaking

that's heart breaking.
that hits me hard and brings tears to my eyes.
when you hear it, you never believe it, but when it happens to teenagers that live in your city, that you had the potential of knowing, to see people you know, who knew them and so on.

it just fucking brings you down.
that's terrible.


life is dangerous.. no matter what you do or where you go

sweet sweet

spent some time with Jamie. had a spare first block, sat with her in art. she's painting Mick Jagger just like AW did. sweet sweet.
i never worked out today. i shall tomorrow. actually, since tomorrow i'll be at home, i'm going to work out double. gonna run total of one hour. and i shall do other things. sweet sweet
then i shall treat myself to a movie. and no food after 7 pm.

i'm volunteering at my church on Sunday. i can;t wait. old people are the cutest. it's the only time i have fun washing dishes. i really like volunteering. it makes me feel like a good person, when others make me feel otherwise.
what's that word. inferior i think. what does that mean?? i remember it was said in Princess Diaries, the first one. something about not letting people make you feel inferior or something along those lines. i'm thinking Eleanor Roosevelt said that quote ?

anyways, i think it has something to do with not letting people make you feel down or some shit like that. the point is, i like that.
wow, all that trouble just to let you know i like that.

i danced in the hallways with Tyler today. i walked in circles with Alyssa today. literally. i didn;t just walk in circles as in my whole school, i walked down the hallway, and in the middle of the hallway amidst all the people, i walked in a circle... and continued on my way. Alyssa laughed. i love making her laugh. honestly, her laugh makes me laugh.
you know those people who have contagious laughs ? i love those people. because i'm able to laugh at nothing with them. like my cousin Kevin. when he laughs, i just cannot help myself man. it's just CARAZY.

i watched some of The Crucible today. i love that stuff. religions other than my own, beliefs other than my own.
i remember i used to read about Kabbalah. i think i might start again. try something new ya know. look at it from the other side, from above or maybe below. or diagonally.

i was a kid, i had a white Italian bible. i told my friend it was witch language and that only i could understand it. i was six or seven, and thought i was a witch. cool? i think not. i was a loser. haha

then the time i painted the side of my garage with the brown paint my dad left outside from painting the fence. i liked to paint. and the stucco was my canvas. mother locked me outside until i wiped it clean. clean, it did not get. so the mark is still there even to this day.

the time my brother hogged the sand bucket in the sand box. i would not tolerate such nonsense. i'm a selfish little person. so i wacked him over the head with the nearest sharp object. a spade.

i'm quite selfish. no doubt about it. and i've mentioned. it's frowned upon now. but i tell ya, in the future, it shall do me good. HA who am i kidding...

Jamie suggested taking a photography class. possibility.

then there's the times my room was a pig sty apparently. mother threw everything in a garbage bag. cried my eyes out until father or brother fetched it from outside.
i always disliked my mother cleaning my room. i never knew where anything was afterwards.

i miss Beverly and the people who inhabit Beverly.

sweet sweet

carazzzzzy

Aquarius - March 14, 2007

You might feel like many things in your life are in a state of flux today. Certain people may not be fully cooperating with you right now, and don't be surprised if someone close to you might be acting a bit mysterious as well. If people aren't able to be fully honest with you, then maybe you'd be better off without them.

ugly kleenex boxes

so i woke up this morning, and i found a kleenex box with a note on it. it was from Heather haha. apparently she read about how i hate ugly kleenex boxes, so she bought me a really cool striped one. and i would like to tell her, if she's reading this, that it definitely gave me that spark of creaticity :P

i'll be honest though, i had just woken up and seeing something outside my room, i thought it was my birthday haha.
i was like, oh, it's my birthday. and then i read it and remembered it was actually March 14th, and that it was really only a kleenex box.
wow i am so dumb.

anyways, i went to Fresh Start with Nikki and Stephanie today. fell asleep in the car. i smiled at Lauren today in the hallway.

America's Next Top Model tonight! can't wait

really rewarding

Aquarius - March 13, 2007

Certain issues might be calling out for a little re-examination at this time. An old concern that has not thoroughly been resolved could lead to some trouble or confusion today. So be sure that you make every effort to get your points across clearly and to understand exactly what others are trying to say right now.

i worked out today for 50 minutes with Selena and Amanda. it was really rewarding. i hung out with Will and Alyssa at lunch, there was a huge fight. and i saw Joe and his girlfriend. i didn't say hi though, i wanted to avoid any awkward conversations. plus, i looked bad today and put almost no effort into my afro.

what i don't get though, is how come there's a HUGE herd of people going to watch a fight. i mean, when half the school had gone outside in a crowd, something is obviously going on, and the police is obviously going to go outside to check it out, and people are obviously going to get in trouble.

i've learned that

my version. i gradually wrote this a while back, and i just found it yesterday
i've learned that..
- the ride is better than the destination
- digging too deep can leave a red sore mark
- everything you hate about yourself as a teenager only makes your teenage years more fun to look back on
- looking at yourself from a different room in the house makes you feel better
- noise cancellation is healthier than loud music
- when you feel as though your eyes may shrivel up, you've probably exceeded maximum ammount of time spent on the computer
- falling asleep on the phone can be a good thing
- lying to make yourself appear more interesting ultimately makes you more interesting
- the morning steals your coordination, leaving you stuck on the top bunk
- nothing is ever as bad as it may seem, and it is always as bad as you make it
- being a teenager is a good excuse for being horny twenty four/seven
- it's ok to think you're falling in love
- setting your alarm unnecessarily let's you experience shutting it off without worry
- being outside your comfort zone can be the best thing. or the worst
- sleeping on the floor isn't as painful as it sounds
- when you're tired, you should probably sleep
- you can't please everybody so while you're living, at least do everything in your power to please yourself
- being a cheeseball is ok in moderation
- just because someone isn't physically there, doesn't mean they're gone
- if you're thirsty, pop won't make it better
- bending over backwards isn't so hard
- if your glasses fall off while jumping around like mad, it doesn't mean you have to pick them back up anytime soon
- doing things yourself results in satisfaction
- you really can live without cell phones and computer speakers
- not everyone is going to like what you write
- cheating doesn't always get you far
- as long as your life's on repeat, you can always listen more carefully the next time
- the 90s really did have some sweet tunes
- their honesty overpowers what they did
- if you do it today, you won't have to do it tomorrow
- Mr Right is probably in front of your nose, or where you least expect him to be
- low self-esteem, cram sessions and pimples are all essentials to being a teen
- it's easy to agree, but it takes some thought to disagree
- in order to have healthy relationships, you must have one with yourself
- it gets worse before it gets better
- everything you do in everyday life contributes to your death
- standing in front of active microwaves is bad for your health
- diss yourself before anyone else can
- sound waves travel through almost anything
- if your gonna play with fire you're gonna get burned
- habits are hard to break
- beauty is in the eye of it's beholder
- if you ask, you shall receive
- sometimes ass kissing needs to be put into action
- listening to someone doesn't mean you're agreeing with them
- the traits that are looked down on in your high school life, are the traits that will get your far in the real world
- money makes the world go round
- a good cry is essential every once in awhile
- you sleep in the bed that you make

stoichiometry

wow i love it

oh jordan brimner

i went to Jordan's house tonight. it was really amusing.
we played some x box, watched some Saw 3 with his sister.
his sister is pretty sweet. she beat me in Mortal Kombat a couple times. she definitely knows how to intimidate her opponents that's for sure haha.
Jordan's pretty sweet too. even though he's a cheap ass player.
but i've got my dynamic duo, that;s all that i care about at this point. Sonja and Sindel got my back all theeeeeeeeeeeee way.

Jordan, if you're reading this, you better watch out next time we kombat each other again. i'm out to get you

nobody listens to techno let's go

i have to fill up this space fast because the previous font color doesn't go with my new layout so i have to fix it
and this entry will do that =)

there's a lot of music artists that are trying desperately to re-invent themselves. come up with someone new to attract a bigger crowd. Justin Timberlake's done it, Nelly Furtado, Good Charlotte, and Hilary Duff, a lot of others too. they incorporate a bit of dance/techno to their songs. that's what i've noticed, anyways. not saying it's a bad thing, but Justin definitely started it all. worked out awesome for him.

people may think they're just putting on a show. but what i've come to realize is that everyone is putting on a show. twenty four/seven.

people have said i put on a show for people. yes, that is a possibility. there's something about me people don't know. there are people who think they know me better them i know myself. this puzzles me simply because i change from day to day. one day i may stand for one thing and the next day i could go completely against it. when i stand for something, say i'm backing up one of my beliefs, if i am debating with someone it's really quite funny because in my head i am always able to think of things to go against what i say. i obviously don't say it because that would be going against what i am saying. i'm a really confusing person. sometimes i may start fights for no reason, and sometimes i start fights for very valid reasons.

i am unpredictable, i don't know myself, so how can others know me better than i do ? i am controlling my thoughts, i am controlling those little background thoughts that i'm thinking right now. i am misunderstood plenty of times. sometimes i say things the wrong way. i mean something but people take it as something completely different. i'm not too worried about it, though. i mean, i know my intentions, God knows my intentions. that's all that really matters to me in the end.

i remember learning something so valuable from the movie 8 Mile. k, so the point of rap battles is to diss your opponent right? well i loved how at the end he dissed himself so when it came to the other guy's turn, he was speechless 'cause he didn't know what to say that hasn't already been said. that's always in the back of my mind. sometimes i accuse myself of too much, so that at least no one can accuse me of it. i would much rather cut myself down instead of giving other people the satisfaction of doing it.

i actually really fuckin hate Hilary Duff. she is irritating me to the MAX.
i had a good nap today. i have an Italian mid term tomorrow.

i think i'm going run later on. i took my pills today. hopefully my face starts getting better. finally. since grade six it's been bad. doesn't that just suck ass ? i mean, all these years having to wake up ten minutes earlier just to put make-up on. once that's gone i'll be so happy.

i hate my kleenex box. why are kleenex boxes so fkn ugly. honestly, it bugs me. when i re-arrange my room (which is an frequent occurrence), it always brings me down that the kleenex boxes that my mom buys are so ugly. i mean, it's got a light pink background with these ugly white flowers on it.

when we were driving home today, i thought of an idea for a car. you unlock the car, sit down in the driver's seat, but you can't turn on the car unless you breath into a breathalizer installed in your car. if alcohol is detected on your breath, the car won't start no matter what. if no alcohol is detected, then it allows you to start the car. i told my mom my genius idea, but apparently she read something like that somewhere already. don't you just fkn hate that, it's so hard to come up with new things.
there's 6 billion people on this earth, it's hard to think that what you think is so original that no one else in the world thought about it as well. but when i think of something cool, i usually do nothing about it because i assume it's already been done.

i need to start looking for a job this summer. i would really love to go to Europe. i doubt that's going to happen. plus, i've done more travelling than people do in a whole lifetime. maybe this summer i should start getting work experience in a field that i would consider when i'm older. plus i'll get money. and i love money so i can't go wrong.

summer after this one though, i am for sure going nuts on travelling. fuck i love travelling. sometimes it's a downfall though. maybe this is a conceited statement, but i've learned a ton about myself through travelling. i mean, going to Rome, Florence, Venice, and Turin and places like that i discover a lot about my own interests. i love art and the significance of it. going to Rome, i developed that. i've seen more and experienced more. and coming back to a place like Edmonton, i realize how unimportant some things are when there's a whole globe to discover. i just get frustrated with being in this city where minor things are made to be a huge deal.

see, as of right now, i thought to myself "well, it depends. i mean, just because it's Edmonton doesn't mean it's uninteresting or minor. i'm not that much of a difficult person that i can't even enjoy my own city." i don't even know where i stand on things anymore. it's ridiculous lol.

maybe i'm like an animal and i adapt with the seasons. wait, that;s a bad analogy. i'm just a person that needs a change sometimes. i like my surrounding, setting and atmosphere to change. it gives me motivation. it's always the same thing and i become unmotivated and lazy. like my bedroom. i change it at least 10 times a year. not because i'm psycho (well maybe a little bit), but also because i like to walk into my room and have it different. i'm more willing to clean it and do my homework and in some cases, even be more social. that's just what it does for me.

anyways, this should be long enough to fill up some space. that's what it is to you guys, anyways, since i am pretty sure you won't read all of the above. but it's more than just a space filler for me, i now conclude.

hmmph

i'm watching the first season of the hills on mtv.ca Lauren "my new rule is to not date someone i would never want to break up with" hmmmm

bladder practice

there was a time when i felt the need to justify myself. i now realize it was not my doings or my intentions to make this the way it is now. i've said what i had to say, that's all i can really do. if they want to make it a bigger deal than it is, go right ahead.

i went to the doctor's today. and i'm pretty excited. it was pretty funny. me and my mother talked. i love that woman to bits sometimes. there was a couple there, about my age maybe younger and they had a kid. and i asked her what she would do if that was me. i asked if she would disown me. she said she would. then i gave her a look and i was like "you'd never do that to me. that's horrible." and then she gave me the look back and was like "well you better not try and see what happens." and then she laughed. i told her i would probably shoot myself before she could shoot me.

i love Shakira's style. her hair is just so crazy wicked.
Breanne is currently on a Greyhound bus to Red Deer and she has to pee immensly, and she has to stay seated and she doesn't know if there's a bathroom. she's calling it bladder practice. wonderful right.

anyways. life's good just like that cell phone company.. LG or whatever... hahaha

55 minutes later...

i love Special K cereal. i don't really like news broadcasters. i usually say "i hate it when..." instead of "i hate people who..." because i rarely hate anything with emotional feelings, so in this case, i'm hating the action the person is doing, instead of the person itself. i boosted my french mark up. i ran and sang to 3 Doors Down. there are always those songs that i'm embarrassed to like, but they get me pumped up the most. like Ticket to Heaven. and then there's Going Away to College by Blink 182. and then there's I Write Tragedies.. oh damn forgot what it;s called haha. well, the song that sounds like that by Panic At The Disco. anyways. my mother is hovering around me so bye bye

significant details

i haven't been able to write a whole lot, since my dear mother has taken the mouse out of my room. totally ok though, i shall fill you in very briefly: sunday night went to Greg's show with Leigha and Lauren. it was quite alright. Monday went to school, got second block of French as a spare so i went to Smitty's with bri and Alyssa. fun times, i am not going to lie. Tuesday went to school, i don't even remember what i did that day. and the harder i try to think about it, the more i seem to forget. oh wait i remember. got off school an hour early, and went to Breanne's house where we ate muffins and played Mortal Kombat until 4 =) i love her Today, went to school hung out with Jamie and Will in tha morning. had a headache, took a tylenol from Emily in Cosmetology, and then took three caffeine pills. at lunch, hung out with Alyssa and Amanda and Jamie. wrote a chemistry test that i'm pretty sure i did fabulous on. and then had French, where Mr F moved me once again, this time, with my back to Alyssa. it's funny how we always end up talking or communicating anyways.. after school went to Chinese Restaurant with Tyler and Dayleen, where Tyler made a contract of everything i own him from one and half years ago. it came to about 370 bucks. it included A and W, the hate fee, the friendship fee, the ruining his bet fee, the chinese food, and so on and so on. i love that boy. and i never thought i'd be able to say it, but Tyler really is quite the guy. and no, i don't love him that way. i love him in a brotherly way. went to fresh start at 4. came home slept for 45 minutes, now i'm here and i should go do my homework. i will leave this in saying that this weekend i am probably going to Amanda's house with Alyssa. Amanda is someone i was friends with in junior high and we started talking again. i must say that i miss her dearly

"forgiveness in families"

"And I thought, all these things don't seem that much like life, when you're doing them, they're just what you do, how you fill up your days, and you think all the time something is going to crack open, and you'll find yourself, then you'll find yourself, in life. It's not even that you particularly want this to happen, this cracking open, you're comfortable enough the way things are, but you do expect it. Then you're dying, Mother is dying, and it's just the same plastic chairs and plastic plants and ordinary day outside with people getting groceries and what you've had is all there is, and going to the library, just a thing like that, coming back up the hill on the bus with books and a bag of grapes seems now worth wanting, O God doesn't it, you'd break your heart wanting back there."

exactly one year ago

if you go to my old blog, and read what happened on March 3, 2006, you will see why today is significant.... but i have someone new, so i think i'm doing just fine. 'specially now that my fifteen hours of in class drivers education is finally over. i can't believe they make kids do that. i felt like committing suicide, or having a mental/emotional break down, or go into a coma, or have a seizure. it was the most restless, longest 15 hours of my entire life. but i'm glad i got to spend it with Brittany. and that i at least got 96% on the final test. like holy.

am i weird for thinking that ?

my mother dropped me off at 8 am at Tim Hortons. while listening to Coldplay and drinking hot chocolate, i read the photography book my brother gave me. the scene you just pictured in your head looks comfortable warm and possibly inviting. but it was so cliche that i felt really uncomfortable just thinking about it. am i weird for thinking that ? i went to this site: http://www.j-roumagnac.net/index.php?x=browse they're fabulous photos don't you think? i don't. i was looking up top photographers and i found that. i don't know why but i feel like i've seen them all before... it's just so MONOTONE. i mean, there's the odd few that overwhelm you with a sense of peace. and they're not ugly photos. they just don't do anything for me. am i weird for thinking that ?

okie dokie

day one of driver's education. my instructor's name is Patryck Pennyfeather. his friends used to call him 'light and cheap', just as his last name suggests. he's black and has a beard and talks like a jamaican mon. he's pretty funny. he calls us murderers because the statistics show that 1 person dies every day in collisions. so for example he might be talking about windshield washer fluid to clean the blood off our windshields. or he might say "so when it's snowy or rainy or bloody out..." and he even talked about cleaning our cars on a regular basis, because there may be a build up of mud and blood and dirt. he's a pretty comical guy i tell ya. spent 500 bucks for a stand up comedian. he introduced us to the Bambi effect. when there's a deer in the middle of the road, and you enter the 'oh shit' stage. and then he was like, and while you're 'oh shitting'.... he's pretty sweet. but nothing as sweet as a jamaican driving school teacher can be worth sitting in a chair for 7 and a half hours. i'll admit, he was pretty nice about it. he gave us a ten minute break every hour and even 30 minutes for lunch, which i used wisely, as me and Brittany went to the paki mart and i bought a month's worth of chocolate and now i feel like a big fatty. anyways, i woke up at 6:45 in the morning, and i really wanna sit on the couch and watch MTV and my brother told me about this show, The Black Donneley's or something, and he said it just started and it's kind of like The OC. i'm gonna check it out. so now i'll have The Hills, America's Next Top Model, Dancelife, Entourage and The Black Donneley's as my weekly shows =) last night Jordan came over and we played Diddy Kong, and then we 'watched' Resident Evil and then we watched two episodes of Entourage, which i absolutely totally love. AND i am pleased to tell you that the new season of Entourage starts on April 8th =)

on a good note, i felt really good last night. i mean, i was laying there and my head was on his chest and he was holding my hand and his arm was around me. and i don't usually talk about this side of my personal life, but this is important, because i hadn't felt needed or wanted in a year. i felt like i was outside my own body knowing someone was holding my hand and caressing it.

i guess i just remembered what that feels like and it made me really happy.

i was in the kitchen washing a dish

when i was a kid, my mom cut my nails on a regular basis. one day i asked her if i could grow them out because there was this older girl at my school who had these really nice long nails and i wanted mine like that too. she told me the only way she would let me grow my nails, is if i did the dishes everyday to keep them clean, because the longer they are, the dirtier they become.

could it be

this is something i would give my cell phone AND computer to go see:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6VG_dMoPc

favorite musicians

Chris Martin - angelic blue eyes, soothing voice. his melodies make you reminisce of times you've never even experienced. Jack White - a guitar God who breaks the rules. nuff said Liam Gallagher - arrogant rock star from Oasis. sexiest voice i have ever heard in my life i'll tell you that much. Noel Gallagher - love him just as much as i love his brother.

put off for too long

when you think about certain situations, do you often jump to conclusions ? i've come to believe that when people suspect a certain circumstance, it's because that's how they themselves would have probably acted if it was them in that situation. for example, ok so i'm going to make up a scenario off the top of my head, and to make it clearer for you, i will insert names of people i don't even know personally. alright, so let's say Christina Aguilera and Cameron Diaz are best friends. Justin Timberlake takes Christina Aguilera to a hockey game, so of course, Cameron Diaz may start suspecting things. BUT ONLY because if it was Cameron Diaz going to the hockey game with Wade Robson, she wouldn't help but flirt a little here and there and maybe be a teensy weensy attracted. so therefore, Cameron is led to believe that because what she would do in that situation is unfaithful, so would anyone else. because, let's face it, Cameron Diaz and all other humans with thinking capabilites like to believe everyone thinks and acts the same as them. it's just human nature. WHEN REALLY, everyone thinks and acts differently from everyone else, although Cameron Diaz would like to think otherwise, simply because she has been done wrong in the past.. and maybe because she's probably a little bit insecure about herself and doesn't trust as freely as she would like (which could be good or bad.. depending on how badly it affects her relationships.. which is probably a lot, making it a negative trait), making her feel unworthy of anyone's affection or attention. if you got lost there, read that sentence without the parentheses there (thats what i do haha). anyways, i'm just saying that people jump to conclusions simply because that's probably what would have happened if they were in the situation. well, it's like that for Cameron Diaz, at least. and this story has no similarities to my own real life and experiences (except the moral of course), and Cameron Diaz does not in any way replace myself in this little parable. .... i've just been putting this theory off into the back of the depths of my mind for too long, and i just thought i would come out with it. =)

and just to finish the story on a good note, Cameron Diaz and Christina Aguilera continued having a loving, blossoming friendship

ps. don't go assuming.. because i rarely discuss my personal life in this journal.

cycle 8

Definitely my favorite. she may sound like a stoner, but that's ok, because i can relate with her. too bad i'm not half African American. i can't even believe that. she is most definitely very beautiful though. Kathleen definitely made me laugh. she's so clueless.. i guess i could relate to her as well.

anyways, today i went to Fresh Start and after that, i went to Music World by myself and looked at some CDs, and then i sat on a bench outside Future Shop and sat there for about twenty minutes and i had a moment. i was listening to Land of the Loops (love them), i had my jacket all zipped up, my glasses on and the headache that comes with wearing my glasses, i had my binder on my lap and my bag on my shoulder. and i was sitting there by myself looking at the long haired fellow by the door, with what looked like a guitar case on his back, and he most definitely had greasy hair and he looked at me once in awhile. i never maintained eye contact, of course.. i mean, it's Northgate, it's like asking to be raped or mugged or something (although it really isn't as bad as Abbotsfield..) but then i maintained eye contact and then, maybe it was the music that put me in the zone, but i actually kind of gave him a smile. and then i looked back ahead of me and stared at the "Directory" sign. and i just had a moment. and what i mean by "the moment" is when you actually realize what you're doing. i was in Northgate mall by myself listening to Land of the Loops, basking in the very white lights that almost make you dreary and drowsy, but also very much awake. people were coming in and i thought about how maybe they actually work there, and how it must feel to work at a place like Northgate, which brought me back to a guy i know who actually used to work at Northgate. of course, i thought of a whole bunch of other things.. too much to go into detail about. it's dumb how many thoughts i think about in one day. not even that.. more like in the 5 seconds upon entering a mall. or anywhere for that matter.

i don't know why whenever i type on my mom's computer, there always ends up being this huge amount of space right at the end

w.r.

in the next month, Christina Aguilera's four back up dancers are coming to my dance studio. i kind of want to take the class. i'm not really into that stuff, but i know it would be fun, especially with all my friends there. but i was doubting it. so i asked my mom about it, and she pretty much confirmed it. she said i haven't taken hip hop in awhile. which is true. so now i'm thinking i shouldn't do it. i wish i could move like Wade Robson.

sometimes i wish i was him

snot

man, i don't even feel like writing anymore. wait, it's not even that. it's like a combination of my super sucky, super slow computer that takes LITERALLY HONESTY TRUTHFULLY five minutes to open a window. so i'm on my mom's computer. so i've got to make this quick. well, actually not really. i don't think my mom really cares i'm on the computer. it's always complicated having to check 5 different websites when i go on the computer. i have to check myspace, deviantart, facebook, my blog to see if anyone wrote anything new, and nexopia and hotmail. it's insanity. but i love insanity so i guess it all just works out =) today i got home at like 5:30 pm. i didn't even stay for the semi-finals that Amanda wanted me to go to. i made myself a sandwich. and ate some of it. and then i laid down on my bed and fell asleep until 8:30 pm. so i just went to Entourage on myspace and apparently it starts again on April 8th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you don't know how happy this makes me, especially with this tragic ordeal with the death of The OC and all. and Jordan knows how much i love that show. i even ditched our conversations to watch all the seasons. speaking of him, he came to my school today. i really want a new computer. i think that's what i want most. one with lots and lots and lots of memory so i can install all the programs that make me happy. i just watched Bones on youtube by the Killers. Tim Burton directed it. Brandon Flowers is kind of attractive. not so much now, but he definitely is in the Somebody Told Me video. why do i even write. 'ts not like anyone really cares lol

a.w.

the similarities are there.
it's what she's been getting mad at me for. and what everyone's been saying.

too bad he's dead.

boats on water but terrifying

when you're so lonely lying in bed, night's closed its eyes but you can't rest your head, everyone's sleeping all through the house, you wish you could dream but forgot to somehow,
sing this lullaby to yourself.

i had a weird dream last night. it was at my friends cabin, but kind of not, because the whole situation was different. it was a dark sort of dream. involving my worst fear, water. every year, we would go on this boat thingy in the middle of the ocean, it seemed, and we'd go through like an obstacle course kind of. and by the time we got to the end of it, a certain amount of us would be dead. so we'd start off with like 10 of us or so, and we'd be on the water, and it was night time and the boat would move uncontrollably with the slightest bit of wind. we'd start off nicely, and then there was this one part where everyone always fell off no matter what, and it happened every year, and they drowned. i was terrified, but i always made it to the end. all the time. and the boat would go up this waterfall at the end (yes, it would defy gravity), and then there was this fish tank thing, it was on the wall at the top of the waterfall, and there would be some sort of prize in the fish tank, and it would somehow just come out of the fish tank. i don't know. i have weird dreams.
i have a lot of dreams with boats and water in them though. and they're always terrifying, and people are always panicking. just thinking about my dreams right now, brings back a lot of really odd ones, where i was travelling underwater with some people to make it to some island or something. and there was this other one, where this ship was sinking and the boats around it were sinking too and it was just a complete riot.

i wonder what that means. boats on water, but the mood is really dark and panicky. i always wonder if dreams actually mean something, or if they're just everyday thoughts jumbled together to make really odd scenarios.

as lucky, as easy, or free

- - did it all get real, i guess it's real enough they got refrigerators full of blood another century spent pointing guns at anything that moves sometimes i worry that i've lost the plot my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts i never really dreamed of heaven much until we put him in the ground but it's all i'm doing now listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea but once the satellite's deceased it blows like garbage through the streets of the night sky to infinity but don't you weep there is nothing as lucky as easy, or free don't be a criminal in this police state you better shop and eat and procreate you got vacation days then you might escape to a condo on the coast i set my watch to the atomic clock i hear the crowd count down 'til the bomb gets dropped i always figured that there'd be time enough i never let it get me down but i can't help it now looking for faces in the clouds i got some friends i barely see but we're all planning to meet we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves all together for eternity but don't you weep there is no one as lucky, as easy, or free

always remembered means never forgotten

sitting under the blanket, sitting on the bed by myself, sitting in my my brother's room under the blanket with myself and the screen and the people i've been watching since August 4, 2003. i've never felt so involved in a television show in my life. like i was there with them through everything that's ever happened to them. i cried into the blanket and i didn't want to cry for a show, but i did. and my bottom lip quivered. i couldn't help myself. it ended happy, it did, but i can't believe it's over.. over for good. there's no more Thursday nights watching The OC anymore.




damn.

today in the early morning

Aquarius February 24, 2007 You could be a bit possessive or jealous where a romantic interest is concerned right now, and this could lead to some friction. You might be feeling a little too uptight or defensive, particularly where money is concerned, to really be able to have a good time and enjoy yourself today. You might feel more like just relaxing somewhere quiet right now anyway.

blue fingers

the chemistry test went pretty well. i came home after the orthodontist and lived on my brother's bed. i must have watched at least eight hours of television. a mixture of Made, MySuper Sweet 16, Dancelife (love it lots), What Not To Wear, i even watched MTV Shuffle.. not a bad show i must say. my mom brought me down a sandwich with ham and cheese and pesto. i took out the ham though. and then i got a glass of milk. and watched some more television. then few hours went by and i brought down a big carton of blueberries and "pigged out" on those. boy do i ever feel fat.... lol Baby joined first. she fell asleep between my legs and was dreaming. and then Boots joined and fell asleep beside me. i watched 21 grams. and cried. and was confused. but then i understood. and cried some more. and it was just so touching that i got out from under my blanket and came upstairs to write about it while the thoughts and feelings were fresh in my mind. it was a good movie. i gave it a 5. i consumed four tylenol today for my stomach cramps.. nothing serious. i'm not trying to OD here. i had two bottles of water, and used two heating pads. all while living on my brothers bed with blue fingers from frozen blueberries. i'm going to sleep on my brothers bed with my hood on like i do every night. right after i talk to a certain someone for a while. "How many lives do we live? How many times do we die? They say we all lose 21 grams... at the exact moment of our death. Everyone. And how much fits into 21 grams? How much is lost? When do we lose 21 grams? How much goes with them? How much is gained? How much is gained? Twenty-one grams. The weight of a stack of five nickels. The weight of a hummingbird. A chocolate bar. How much did 21 grams weigh? "

high speed

"Can anybody fly this thing? Before my head explodes, Or my head starts to ring. We've been living life inside a bubble. Confidence in you, Is confidence in me, Is confidence in high speed."

today i went to school. was pretty good. until i had chemistry and totally and completely blanked out on my test. we took like 20 minutes of the class just going over stuff before, leaving us 40 minutes. it took me 30 minutes just to do the written because i kept screwing up and having to erase and re start, and then i had ten minutes to do 25 multiple choice. IT WAS SO SCREWY. but i can't help but feel like i might have done rather well. which is weird. i think i may be too positive for my own good sometimes.

after school, i sat in the Student's Union room for an hour with Stephanie and Nikolina while they did their physics and we waited until 4 o'clock rolled around. we walked to Northgate to get our courses at FreshStart. i got my three religion workbooks and my three religion "textbooks", so six in total.

next week i start my driver's training. Friday and Saturday from 9 am until 4 pm.

i feel like i'm finally getting things done. i don't feel like i have a big cloud over my head pouring all these things i need to get done. i'm finally doing something about them.

i told myself today that i have to work out at school at least twice a week, and every other day i can work out at home (when i feel like i have time). i won't play nintendo unless i'm feeling completely stressed out, or i seriously have nothing better to do (which won't be the case until i finish religion 35). and at least once a week i will spend my lunch hour without friends and in the library finishing religion. i have to go to FreshStart every Wednesday too at 4, so they can check up on me. so me and Nikolina could probably spend that hour of waiting doing this stupid religion.

i feel like i'm going at high speed. and i kinda like it.

ps. sorry about my boring blog entries and the length. i realize everything i do in a day isn't all that appealing.

getting better

so i've been working hard. it has been one day. i wish you could be super healthy one day and times it by 3 months. and see what you'd look like if you did that every single day. hmmph. had school. i would like to highlight English class. so she pretty much assigns us a mind map (includes drawing) due for Friday, which gives me uhhh 3 days. and it involves drawing. UM EXCUSE ME if i wanted to draw i would have taken art, ok? second of all, i have a chemistry quiz tomorrow, a chemistry final exam part A the day after AND a chemistry final exam part B the day after the day after. this week just sucks. MAJORLY.
so for once i actually looked forward to working out after school. Leigha couldn't go and i was about to not go, but i figured if i keep backing out of it i'll never do it. so i went, and luckily for me Amanda happened to be there too. we had a lot of fun working out actually. time went by really fast. we were in there for like an hour.
then i went home, had one grilled cheese sandwich and a banana for supper, and two bowls of salad. and then later on i had a yogurt.
and then i put my face mask on, then my brother left for Heather's house. 'cause tomorrow morning he's going to Toronto until Sunday. damn. it's gonna be so lonely this weekend. i'll be in his room watching movies and playing video games, and there's going to be no one there.
there's so much on my mind right now i just have to write it down so i know i won't forget it.
- go to doctor on Saturday
- go to Orthodontist on Friday
- go to Fresh Start tomorrow
- work out work out work out
- call AMA, or sign up for the driver's ed at beginning of March
- go tanning at some point
- NO EATING AFTER 7 PM
- drink more water
- wear retainers at night
- write an i love you note for my 'rents and put it under their pillow before bed
- do homework and study and DO GOOD
-

ok good. thats all thats on my mind right now. now i can go talk about whatever i want.
i took a bath and i could hear my mom talking on the phone. i like to stick half my head under the water and turn my head slightly to the right and left until my ears are fully popped. and i like to just sit there with my ears underwater hearing nothing. and then i got up and i was happy my mom was on the phone. she never used to talk on the phone a lot. but her best friend was diagnosed with cancer in September, so they talk on the phone all the time. and sometimes i hear what she talks about and its cool to see my mom being a best friend to someone. i dunno, it's weird cool. anyways, i heard her talk about my uncle and how he's coming this summer. she was talking about their kids (my cousins) and how they're really strict with them, especially Lodovico and he's only like 6 years old. this kid is just crazy, he can't be contained. HE DROVE ME NUTS. he's the reason i'm never having kids (i don't think). anyways, my uncle gets mad at him for everything, when he should cut him some slack and let him put his elbows on the table once in a while. and that made me think, what if they're parenting techniques are so completely wrong. and then i thought, what if my parents didn't raise me properly. i was in Psychology and we were talking about how kids are important because they're like sponges, soaking up everything. and that made me wonder.. i mean, what if my parents did one thing wrong in raising me.. that could ruin my whole life if they made a simple mistake when i was a kid.
thats part of the reason why i don't think i'll ever be able to handle kids. i'd be so uptight with everything i do, just so i won't screw up.

and then i thought, well wouldn't it be just as bad if everything went perfectly ? i mean, isn't it better to have some mistakes rather than everything be completely perfect ?

hmm i don't know.

all my flaws

i changed for dance. and realized all my flaws.
i put my hair up. and realized all my flaws.
i put my make up on. and realized all my flaws.
i sit here feeling absolutely disgusting.
and unmotivated.
i don't think i've ever felt so unworthy of anyone's attention.

this fucking sucks. and i wish it didn't.

i wrote two pages
and i'm not even finished yet.

3 in the lovely morning

so i had a long day and night of Diddy Kong Racing, talking to myself in victory and frustration,
and my back really hurts right now.

me and Daniel also watched MuchPunch, MuchVibe and all the sorts,
talk about repetitiveness. saw the same videos a lot. but it was fun.
so when i got sick of that, i'd turn on the nintendo and continue my game.

i got really angry though, because earlier today i got farther, and then i left it for a bit and when i got back my brother beat my favorite part. the snow races like Walrus Cove and all that. so i got really mad at him, so much so that i erased my file and started over again just so i'd be able to do those races myself. i was about to cry cuz i had to do everything all over again.

lol
and it didn't help that my brother was like "oh what a tragedy, you have to play video games." and then he left, and came back and i got mad again and he was like "are you going to bring it up every time i come down here?" and i said "yes. im angry" and he said "oh, i can see the pain your enduring. how tragic"

and then i told him to shut up a few times, and then i'd be focusing and then he'd get up from his laptop and start dancing to the songs on the game and i'd be laughing but trying to be mad at the same time.

he just does that to me. i'll be angry and he'll do the stupidest shit you'll ever see, and i start laughing but yelling at him that i'm mad.. and it just doesn't work too well, as you can see.

hmmph. i miss Jordan.