plain and simple

Europe or Work ?
my mother doesn't want me to go to Europe this summer with my brother. she said she wanted me to get a job and stay here. i love how she just makes my life so much more complicated than it really has to be. everything in my life has such bad timing. i really want a job, like so bad, but my mom won't let me have one now. i really want to go to Europe, i've been wanting to go back ever since i came home from Italy last summer. i'll make a pro's list:
EUROPE
- i get to spend time with my brother
- i get to visit even more places
- i get to see family
- i get to leave this country for a while
- it's Europe, i love the culture
- i'll be able to visit famous places.. and the art OHMYGOD

CANADA
- i can get a job
- i can make money
- i can see friends
- i can practice driving
- i can go on a small trip somewhere
- i could spend time with Jordan

but holy fuck, it's actually retarded. last summer i didn't even want to go to Italy because it was with my mom, i even told her to cancel my flight . there was no way i could handle being with my mom for one month day in and day out. now that i have a chance to go be without my parents for a while, she says i can't go, which means i'll be here every single day and i'll have to deal with her day in and day out. I JUST CAN'T GET AWAY CAN I? it actually makes me so angry. at least in Italy i could go party til all hours of the night because i could walk home whenever i wanted. here, i won't be able to do ANYTHING because she doesn't stay up late to pick me up.
then i thought, i could get a job at a place i really love. maybe i could even go work on Whyte Ave, and bus it there or whatever, and after work i could hang out there and stuff, and then bus it back home. i just don't want to be home this summer. i mean, two summer ago when i didn't go to Italy, i played The Sims like EVERYDAY. everyone was gone and i spent hours and hours on the sims.. like 8 hours in a row sometimes. i don't want to do that. and i can see it happening again. well, besides the whole job aspect of it.
or maybe i could work at west ed (ew) and i could chill with Jamie and stuff. and we could party all the time too.

i just want my mom to understand that if i don't go to Italy because of what she wants, she better let me have a fucking wicked summer. and then in August Jordan's getting his license.. we'd be able to do a lot more.

UGHHHHHHHHH. this is just a huge bowl of suckiness. plain and simple.

cheeseball? i think so..

you want to be with that person so bad. you picture it in your mind's eye so vividly and so clear but your eyes are still open and aware of what's going on and all you can think about if putting your hands on each side of their face to pull them closer to you. and as you do this, you feel their warm lips on yours, and you feel their hands slowly wrap around your waist, and their hands become their arms and you're overwhelmed with the feeling of being held close. and as your lips touch, caress, cuddle, you move your hands from their face to their chest and you place them nicely there, one hand on each side. some precious time passes and you decide to run your hands through his hair, and you pull away from time to time to look at their green eyes and to tease them a little bit, to get them back for all the times they've teased you.
you watch him yawn as he is tired and he brings his hands up to his face and you think to yourself how perfect they look, and how much more perfect they would look on you. and you miss the closeness. you try putting in words how you're feeling. which body part within your core is experiencing this feeling. your stomach, your heart, and then you think of biology and you try pinpointing it to your renal artery, maybe your kidney or pelvic bone, maybe your liver or pancreas.. possibly your small or large intestine and there's the slight chance that it's the gall bladder.
anyways, one of the above organs is experiencing this wonderful feeling, almost like a cringe or tension, some call them butterflies. and then you talk about smores and campfires, and he smiles and it's one of your favorite things because he has those innocent caring eyes, and those dimples. and it instantly brings a smile to your face.
and you become sad and depressed
because you know it would be one google times better in real life.
hmmmmph.

i was feeling emotional. i haven't written anything useful for awhile so leave me alone

neurobiological approach

this morning was pretty shitty. i got ready for italian school in 30 minutes, and as i was about to leave i noticed my subwoofer was missing for my speakers. so i was like "hmmm i wonder where they are" so i go to my brother's room and there they are nicely hooked up to Heather's laptop and i was like steaming from the ears. it took my forever to hook up my speakers in the position they were, and the chords were duct taped to the bottom of my desk so they weren't all over the place, and he must have screwed around with that and it makes me angry.
then i go to italian school and stare at the clock turn to 10:30 and think of the thousands of people in Edmonton calling ticketmaster slowly reserving seats and more seats for The Killers, and how gay it is that me and Will couldn't get tickets.
then i go to ballet, and Lauren turns to me and goes "guess who's got floor seats for The Killers???" and i just stared her down. i don't think i ever experienced such jealousy in my whole life. the chemicals in my brain were definitely unbalanced (learned that in psychology under the neurobiological approach HAHA) so i was pretty down. it was a pretty crappy morning. considering i got like five hours of sleep the night before.
i got home after dance, and went onto the ticketmaster website
and searched for tickets every few minutes. nothing ever came up. then i realized i wasn't doing it right. so i did it right and i got TWO TICKETS. so then my day was all good. and i watched The Lakehouse too. which i will talk about at another time..

and now it seems i've switched places with Jordan. and i don't feel so good anymore..

the killers

i'd like to think i'm pretty amazing when it comes to times like these.

Leigha has squinty eyes when she laughs

had school today. after school, me, Leigha and Greg went to Northgate and we ate. then we went to Leigha's house, where we chilled for a bit. and then we picked up Stacy and we went to East Side Mario's for my birthday *wink wink*. i got a free lunch.. since it's my birthday..
then we went to Wal-Mart until like 8:30, where we found padded panties, and Lauren became friends with a box of Tide. Leigha also rode in a wheelchair for a short amount of time. then we went to see Pans Labrynth at 9:15, which was a really cool movie i must say. i was definitely interested, and i loved the fantastical aspect of the movie, and the different creatures, but the part i thought was most intriguing was the evil guy with no eyes, but with eyes on his hand. it was something i'd never seen in movies before and i liked that, it was different and definitely eerie and cool. the cinematogrpahy was well done, and Lauren even pointed out the really cool sound effects and how it was like our sense of hearing was inclined during the movie. it was sweet. and i loved how it was in Spanish. i could understand a lot of it since it's really similiar to italian, but i love subtitled movies, the different language ones. they seem more authentic, and i know if Pans Labrynth was done in english, it wouldn't have been the same at all.

all in all, it was a really good day. got to hang out with Leigha, which isn't something that's been happening very often.
but i was reminded of a certain someone a lot tonight, and i tried not to think about it, but it was hard when i was going to all these places that me and him used to go to, and the fun we had. and he walked by my chemistry class today.. first time i seen him in months. i don't think he noticed me, although we were staring straight at each other.. he doesn't notice much. but i definitely noticed him, and my heart went into my throat and i became nervous. and i got that sucky feeling. i just miss him that's all. i miss the really sweet phone conversations we used to have. and how he used to make fun of me. and i remember thinking i was worth changing for. he called me niggerbit the other day. so i called him niggerchunk. (excuse the racism)

hmmph. it's all good. i just miss the friendship aspect of it all. after all, i have someone new. i was supposed to see him today, but he didn't come. i was pretty sad.
i'm pretty sure we're all going skating on Monday though. i'm so happy it's the long weekend..

night moves

i thought Ryan was going to die. i would have cried my eyes out. literally cried my eyes out. i cried first season when Seth left on his sialboat and Ryan left to Chino, i cried when Trey got shot, i cried when Marissa overdosed, i cried my eyes out when Marissa died, and i would have cried even more if Ryan died. INTENSE. i'm such a loser. i honestly think there's something wrong with me. i don't even cry for REAL LIFE things anymore. me and Leigha got into a huge fight a few days ago, and she cried.. and i just couldn't cry. i can't cry for anything. anything but movies and The OC. the show was so good. besides some minor outbreaks yelling at the screen at some of the dumb shit that goes on.
i thought it was so cute (SO CUTE) how Seth donated blood for Ryan, and i thought it was awesome how Kursten's baby was ok and it was a girl. i actually sat up in my seat and said aww. that is the cutest thing i ever heard. Sandy and Kursten don't have a girl, and the fact that now they will, just makes me so happy inside.
but i told my mom that i would commit suicide if Ryan died. she looked at me. and i laughed. that show just gets to me man.
it just fucking gets to me.
the things i found retarded are as follows: 1) how a fucking bunny was saved in the process, like it was a human being. jesus christ, i eat rabbit, they're not that special. and i'm not being harsh. i'm just being reasonable here. 2) how Taylor was walking around waving a gun around in the air. it's like disaster waiting to happen, even worse than an earthquake. 3) how dramatic the ice cream guy was in declaring his love for Kaitlyn in a time of tragedy. i mean honestly, there's an earthquake and madness all over the city and all he cares about is being a fucking cheeseball and creating unnecessary drama. that actually got to me.
i would like to declare that i love Ryan and Seth the most out of everyone. my mom thought it was the last show. but there's one more. and the Cohen house is completely destroyed man. and i didn't get why they were so devastated. there was a pelican in their house. but they're rich.. it shouldn't be a huge deal. i'd be worried about crushed computers and CDs and ruined shoes maybe.. and Baby and Boots of course. holy crappies. i don't know what i would do if Baby and Boots died. *knock on wood* last time i said that, my cat died the next day.
i miss Smokey.

there was a really good song in The OC tonight. it was by Radiohead, i know it. i could so tell by his voice. it was playing quite a bit actually. at the beginning, and when Ryan was about to black out. i was so tense. i was about to leave.
i could not handle another death on that show.
unless it was Taylor of course. then i wouldn't really care.

ps. me and Leigha talked on the phone today. first time in a very long time. and i would like to re-state, like a renew-age of wedding vows almost, that i love her no matter what happens in this world.
if it was me and her in that earthquake, i would've sheltered her and taken the piece of glass in the back like Ryan did. no questions asked.

pee ess

i would like to announce that i do have a valentine.

his name's Jordan and i wouldn't have it any other way :blush:

quiz

goodness gracious. i almost forgot it was Valentine's Day today. what a joke hey. i'm not really sure this is a valid holiday. i mean, it's pretty much all hype and not a whole lot of anything else. i don't even know why people get depressed if they're single. it's just another day of the year where the men are expected to do something nice for the women. HA i don't get it, shouldn't your loved one treat you special everyday ? there shouldn't be a day where you have to treat them extra special. my mother was upset that my dad forgot Valentine's day. i laughed. it's my dad for fuck sakes. i don't even think he knows what Valentine's day is half the time. well, actually that's a lie. he usually gets me a cute teddy bear for Valentine's day. he didn't this year, and he didn't get my mom anything either. and when we sat down to eat the ice cream cake my mom bought, she brought it up. and i was like "it's a joke day anyways. it's a lousy excuse to buy candy and flowers." and then she looked at me and turned it on me and said something about how i'm so self-centered and how it looks like i haven't thought of anyone other than myself. she is correct, i might add.

i've gone through some life-changing experiences past couple days. thanks to my best friend Leigha Sbitney whom i love with my whole entire heart.

i finished perming my manicane's head today. me and Emily realized that my hair is actually getting pretty long. i just always have it up and curly. i'm pretty happy.. and in French we had the usual Gold Hair Kid analysis. it's pretty funny. me and Alyssa sit on opposite sides of the room, but we still manage to talk and laugh through texting and glancing at each other. i nearly cried in French today. i sent her a text saying that Gold Hair Kid is a diver. and then she talked about speedos, and then she wondered if ALL his hair is gold. including down south. fuck, i looked at her and could not control myself. i started tearing up.

damn. it's one of those jokes where you're walking through the halls thinking about it, and it makes you giggle here and there and as a result, making you look like the biggest faggot ever. haha.

anyway. came home. wasted an incredible amount of time, listened to some C and C. picked my nails a bit, did my english homework.
which brings me to the next thing. ENGLISH IS HARD. it is so fucking difficult to impress my teacher. i thought i was the best writer on Earth before i got my marks back. i actually feel like the biggest dumbass. that's what happens when you're in an AC class i guess.. it's dog eat dog, man.

that's the bad thing with being an excellent student your whole life. i was always the best student in class.. then you get to high school and it's like a brick in the head like Marv in Home Alone.

*hugeasssigh*
i should probably start memorizing some chemistry now. since a quiz is taking place tomorrow.

by the way, Lauren told me that quiz came from a guy who spray painted it on all the buildings in London.

obsessed

yesterday in cosmetology we started perming. we had to put some rollers in our mannicane's head. everyone around me was getting pretty frustrated. and of course, mine turned out pretty good and everyone was saying how good mine looked =) what can i say, i can work magic with these hands. i remember last year i did really good with braiding, too.
i also had french yesterday. me and alyssa go nuts in that class. we got seperated on the first class. she could just look at me and i'd start laughing. some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is just like.. what the fuck. it's hilarious. and you know what's even funnier? there's this kid in my class that has hair that's gold. i mean it looks GOLD, when he moves, the light from the window like shines on his head and it looks like his head is pure GOLD. it has got to be the funniest thing. me and alyssa were partners for this thing, and all we did was analyze this kid's hair. and we told Bri to ask him if it's real. i wish i could take a picture of this guy. it was so funny, we came up with all these different scenarios for this kid's hair. and we called him Rumpelstilskin (is that the spelling??) and stuff. anyways, enough of Kale. yes, that's his name. what a joke hey.
other things worth sharing that happened yesterday include a big explosion with my mom, dance, Lauren's impression of Nacho Libre's butt clenching, and the completion of an english assignment that i didn't even need to do. GET THIS - i spent all night working on this english assignment right, and i did that instead of doing my chemistry because i thought it was more important. i go to school the next day, and after Jamie's story of how she puked at work yesterday, i go to English and turns out i didn't even need to do it. moments like these just bring out the HFSUINFDUS in me. so i got in trouble for not doing my chemistry homework, and i didn't get any credit for doing my unnecessary english assignment. we also had our CCAT tests today. i love doing those. they're the only tests i can write without any stress at all *thumbs up* we teenagers need to take advantage of these things.

umm. i don't know what else to say.
except that i looked pretty good today
=)

i am also totally and completely obsessed with Coheed and Cambria. DAMN THEYRE GOOD

turned out well

we went to West Edmonton Mall instead. because Whyte Ave closed at like 5-6. man, i hate west ed. it's huge, always packed, i get tired fast, and well it just sucks. whyte ave is so much sweeter, for several reasons: a) it has better stores with stuff that nobody has b) the people there are always interesting looking c) you can go outside after every store

i bought some pants from Urban Outfitters, and then i had Quizno's and she had chinese food. and then we walked around some. and then we shared a small cookie dough blizzard. we sat on Bourbon street. and we saw the ugliest guy who thought he was the hottest thing. you know the type. he was either italian or lebanese. i hope he wasn't italian. he has the sides of his head shaved and only hair on the top that was short and greased and spiky. i'm almost positive he goes tanning, he clearly works out. he was wearing a tight white t-shirt, and really tight jeans in which he was stuffed in. he had a big ass, and waxed eyebrows. creep and a half.

Andre let us down, though. he wanted us to go to this party and when we asked him what time he was going to be there, he said he was on the northside and that something got fucked over. so we were like. ok. we caught the bus at 7:30 or so. and we were on it for like an hour. and we just talked. and then we caught another bus at Northgate. i saw Amanda on it so i talked to her for awhile too. then she got off and then i laid my head in my lap and almost fell asleep. and Breanne almost left me on the bus. we were so tired. we laid on her bed in the dark and looked up at her blinds and Jordan called me too. and then i drew the coolest person on Breanne's wall with chalk. she has this one huge wall of that black paint you can draw on, and the other wall has black and white checkers on it. last time i was at her house, i drew on one of the squares, and it was still there yesterday. anyways, i drew that face over there. i thought it looked really sweet. i suck at drawing, but i liked how that turned out. i even gave her an eyebrow piercing and i even managed to make both her eyebrows look almost identical. =)

we also played Mortal Kombat on SEGA, and looked through her junior high yearbooks. it was an enjoyable day. then i came home and i talked to Jordan on the phone until 3 or so in the morning.
and it was really really good. =) =) =) =)

now i have to do my homework

funny how many faces i go through

"Listen well... will you marry me? Not now, Boy Are you well in the Suffering?"

i had psychology. and we were sitting there, watching this old movie that had such a muffled voice that i did not know what on earth was going on. all i saw was a bunch of cavemen drawing in caves, but i had no clue what that was supposed to mean. the whole situation made me laugh actually. a bunch of students who don't wanna be there any more than the next person, pretending to watch this movie that isnt even audible with an old teacher who has red cheeks, a belly, wears only neutrals, and almost tries too hard to make it fun. wait, scratch the last part, doesn't try AT ALL to make things fun.

then i had English, where Mrs Palazzo didn't show up. so we read a story the whole class. then i talked to Breanne about our plans for tomorrow. We're going to whyte ave and Andre's gonna meet us there. and the rest will unfold the way they should be unfolded .. =)

we also discussed a topic that has come up quite often throughout my lifetime. this heavily discussed topic happens to be Mortal Kombat. DAMN I LOVE IT. if i was a video game, and i had to devote the rest of my video game life to another video game in matrimony it would DEFINITELY be Mortal Kombat. well..
actually. this is a tough one. it would be a very close tie between James Bond and Mortal Kombat. geez, them bad ass video games.. they get to me.

anyways, we had this huge discussion for all the characters and our gaming techniques (which happen to be the same; push all buttons until something cool happens ! ), and then we talked about fatalities, and brutalities, and each character's weapons, and defenses. and geez, it was heavenly.

so then it was that pointless 10 minute break, i don't know why we have it to be honest. it's too short to actually do anything, but too long to just sit in your class doing nothing. you're like caught in this void of some sort. haha. shit that reminds me of such an old school song.. Summer in the Void or something.. it's by I Mother Earth. i remember i saw the music video when i was like 5, it seems, and i remember it almost perfectly. i think he was in a train tunnel or something, and there were like greenish blue lights or something. i think i'll look it up. ANYWAYS, i stood in the hallway with Jamie and Tyler and Leigha and possibly some others but i can't remember because i was having a side chat with dear Alison. it's really sweet though, when i first met Jamie i was so intimidated. she's a small person, but she has HUGE personality that one. sometimes it's too much to handle, but it gets easier to handle as time progresses. those outbreaks of swears mixed with sexually transmitted diseases become white noise rather than the loud embarassment they used to be. haha.

then i had Francais. VIVE LA FRANCE. laughed hysterically everytime i glanced at Alyssa. french is kind of a joke. i mean, he introduced us to future simple tense. and i was like WOW CAN THIS BE ANY EASIER. it's exactly like italian. like SPIT IMAGE of italian. i'm gonna do so out of this world fabulous in that class. what can i say. i'm just.. oh, what's the word. European ?

so i've been wasting a ton of time today. i don't think i even got anything accomplished other than typing at least one million words within x amount of hours. which i think should count for something, if you're aspiring to be a secretary.

do you realize that an individual can never be unsure about everything. like, when you hear someone say "i am unsure about everything." do you realize that that kind of contradicts itself? i thought about this the other day, as i do with many other things. but if you say "i am unsure about everything." you are actually telling people that you are, in fact, sure about being unsure. it's like saying "i'm so insecure." well, my friend, i would like to inform you that you are secure about being insecure.
i think it might have made more sense in my head.

i'm happy to inform you that i have finally found my new phase. like i've said in the past, i go through music phases where i listen to a few certain bands non stop for a few months until i get deathly annoyed of them (but still love them deep down). well, i haven't found a phase in a long time. but i now have one.
my phase currently includes:
- Coheed and Cambria
- Snow Patrol
- Coco Rosie
- The Faint
- The Kooks
- Hot Hot Heat
and last but not least, one that has made an appearance in the past,
- The Subways.

wow. i didn't realize this phase was so large.

anyways, i'm kind of feeling like watching some television. and maybe start packing my sleepover bag because tomorrow i'm going to be so BUSY.

and Lauren, another song you should download is Wake Up by Coheed& Cambria.

=)

like the ugly child

so i don't know what to think. i just watched The OC. and there was an earthquake. it was kind of heart breaking. Ryan was covering Taylor, and Sandy and Kirsten were together, and Kaitlyn and Julie were together, and Seth and Summer were in a car on the road, when all of a sudden a light post smashed their car.



and they all died.














JUST KIDDING. no, i'm pretty sure everyone's safe because i just read what's going to happen in the next two episodes. hopefully Taylor dies though. oh man do i ever dislike her. she's actually, so annoying. i can't stand her. and i honestly think her and Ryan are doomed and he should just dump her. Marissa is the only girl for him. everything was perfect with Ryan and Marissa. Taylor is just way too clingy and demanding. she forces him to do stuff that i don't even think he wants. like the whole "i love you" deal. she expects an "I love you" from Ryan for her birthday. i'm sorry, but saying "i love you" is not a birthday present. and saying you love someone isn't something that should be pressuring you. and saying you love someone does not depend on what type of situation you're in. Ryan told her he loved her before knowing she was going to Berkely too. and, i'm not too sure on this but, after finding that out i don't think Ryan loved her. WHICH IS RETARDED. you can't just change your mind on whether or not you love someone. i don't think he should've said it in the first place. 'cause then he goes to her place afterwards, gives her the real birthday present and he says he loves her, and then the earthquake happens. seriously, that whole relationships is so artificial. and Taylor is SO ANNOYING. ever since they started dating, there's always been something wrong with something in that relationship. it's never been in it's prime. Taylor's always put pressure on some aspect or another and i just feel bad for Ryan. anyways,
i don't know. i think if Taylor died, i would enjoy that show so much more. and man do i miss Marissa. she was the show. and as much as i hate to say it, since she's gone, the show is gone too. but i can't help but feel anxious after every single episode. i love it nonetheless. it's like the ugly child your obligated to love no matter how ugly they are.

that's actually how it feels. although i really don't know what having an ugly child, well just a child in general, feels like so i can't really say that. but i imagine this is how it might feel like.

THE OC IS STARTING TO SUCK BUT I LOVE IT NO MATTER WHAT.
it's done in 2 weeks. daaaaaaaaaaamn.

an english assignment

"Daniel is a dictionary when I need to figure things out and a thesaurus when I need to improve the things I have already figured out. He is the map when I need direction, and the kiosk when I need information."


There are so many ways to describe my brother and the role he plays in my life. I listed a ton of different things in my head and on paper, trying to come up with the best metaphor possible to explain how important he is to me. And not one of them portrayed something negative about him. He has made only positive impacts on my life. When I am clueless and stressed out about the future and what I might be doing after high school, I feel like I can go to him whether it’s to figure out what I’m good at or to de-stress. When I have made mistakes in the past, it was his opinion that mattered most. I was more worried about what he thought, than what my own parents thought.
He is a dictionary, in the sense that he helps me “spell out” my problems. He is a thesaurus in the way that he helps me see different perspectives on different things and he gives me suggestions on how to carry out the goals I want to achieve. He is a map because he points me in the right direction when I feel like I am lost. I said he is a kiosk for a couple reasons. When people go to a kiosk, they usually have questions and are looking for answers and information. My brother and I share many of the same interests, and since he is older and knows more than I do about these interests, he is always full of answers and information on them, which usually gets me more enthusiastic. Also, when you go to a kiosk, the people working at the kiosk have to attempt to make the customer feel important, which my brother definitely does. Although I am his little sister, he never lets me feel that way. Sometimes he involves me when he goes out with his friends, and even though he introduces me as his “little” sister as a joke, I’ve never felt like I was tagging along and he’s always treated me like a friend.
I have always heard that every girl deserves an older brother, and it hasn’t been until recently that I realize why. He has always looked out for my well being. Maybe when we were kids, he did not mean to look out for me, but it was him who had to go look for me when I stayed five minutes longer at the park. It was him who had to pick me up from school and walk me home so that I didn’t get hurt. It was also him who taught me all the secrets to know about beating video games. Things have changed, of course, we are no longer children and life is more serious now, and so have the things he has taught me. Being halfway done high school, I cannot imagine picking a career and devoting my life to it, but he has been in this situation as well, and hearing his experiences opens a window, one might say. It’s not secrets about video games anymore, it’s secrets about life. It is because of all this that I consider him a dictionary, thesaurus, map and even a kiosk. But more importantly, he is the brother I am stuck with for the rest of my life, and the best friend who will never go away.

-- we had to write a metaphor on someone who inspires us, which is what i wrote in quotations at the top, and then we had to explain the metaphor.

found

"English is really crazy.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. "

the willing well IV: the final cut

i miss Jordan =(

the great debate

i made some minor adjustments to my layout, clearly. i was getting tired of seeing Satan's laundry room everyday. but i did really like how that layout turned out, i saved it in case i decide to use it in the future. i stayed home from school today. i'm such a loser. seriously. so far this year i've stayed home from school like 3 or 4 days because i was sick, which i like never ever do. but as i mentioned before, my mother is becoming quite reasonable. she didn't even yell at me for my report card. which was weird, 'cause i was positive she was going to approach me with a whip or a belt or something. so anyways, this morning my alarm went off at the usual 5:55 am, and i laid there contemplating, debating whether or not i should go to school. i make almost a pro's and con's list in my head, and heavily debate it. i'm not even kidding. it's not an easy decision for me. this is what goes through my head:
"so i can either go to school or stay home. my hair is in really good shape right now, i could like make it messy and put a headband in it and it would look really good and i could wear my glasses and wear something nice and i would look awesome, aw but i feel like a big pile of crap and i already know the homework that's due on Friday, and in English we're just going over that reading comprehension stuff, but in Chemistry she's giving back our tests and i really wanna know what i got and she said we have to start moving really fast and she's doing chapter 5 and what if i never understand it for the rest of the year because i decided to stay home today, but i should understand it it's only review of last year, and i don't have any tests today, but i'll miss Psychology and Nikolina will be by herself and my group has to present and i'm not there but there's a lot of groups so we'll probably go into next class, so this is the best opportunity to stay home and i want to get better and i need sleep to do that, and OHMYGOD I NEED TO COUGH." and then my ribs started to hurt.

that's what literally went through my head. i debated it for a good 45 minutes to an hour haha. my alarm goes off three times. once at 5:55 am, then at 6 am, and then at 6:15 am. so i debate dit all through that, and then at 6:30 my mom usually wakes me up if my cellphone didn't do it, and when she did i was like "i don't know if i should go to school today" and she was like "how come" and i said "i don't feel very good" and she said "well do you have any tests today", and she always asks this and it makes me laugh because i just debated this whole thing in my head already and if i did have any tests i probably wouldn't be staying home because i like writing tests same time as everyone else. so i said "i don't have any and i already know what's due on Friday in all my classes." so she said "well, make up your mind because it's already 6:30". so i just laid there. and debated some more. then i think i fell asleep for like 10 minutes, and then i woke up and it was like 7:19 am, when my bus usually leaves so i was like. well i guess i'm staying home.

i am probably the weirdest person you will ever encounter. i can't believe i just wrote that much on debating whether i should stay home or not.

my iPod picks

this morning i woke up with smooshed curls. i took a bath before bed and i went to bed with my brother's old Buffalo sweater. and this morning my curls were all smooshed to my head haha. i thought it was kinda cute. so that's how my sleeping dynamics go. i usually wear shorts underneath my kappa sweat pants, i wear a tank top or t-shirt underneath a hoodie, and i wear socks and my slippers. haha. during the winter anyways. i don't understand how anyone can go to sleep nude or anywhere close to it. i hate having to rely on the bed sheets to keep me warm. i move around like crazy, and sometimes the sheets can't cooperate with me so i get frustrated and shove them away, and if i was nude i'd probably wake up frozen, but not when you bundle up like me =)

school was pretty alright. came home. finally ate some yogurt. went on msn. ate supper. my nose feels absolutely raw. i'm still pretty ill though. i come home and was about to make myself a really elaborate sandwich, which i usually do when i get home from school, but this time i sat there, pictured myself making the sandwich, and then pictured myself eating it and i was completely grossed out. and then i thought about every other food i love and i didn't have any craving for any of it. i was like WOW ITS A MIRACLE. that's the only plus about being sick. you feel so shitty that you don't even notice your grumbling stomach. or maybe it's just filled with snot. yummy.

i'm feeling generous. i've been listening to The Kooks pretty much non stop MAN. and now i'm listening to The Subways, whom i haven't listened to in forever. they bring back good times. i remember about a year and some ago on The OC, when i first heard The Subways. i thought they were amazing. so then my brother bought the cd. i also heard The Killers for the first time on that show. anyways, back to my feeling generous notion, since i have such superb taste in music (HA), i'll share with you some of my favorites. and i promise i won't feel possessive over them. since being possessive is one of my traits lol.

- Ooh La - The Kooks

- Jackie Big Tits - The Kooks

- Eddie's Gun - The Kooks

- Desperate Guys - The Faint

- Weep - Skunk Anansie

- She Sun - The Subways

- Lines of Light - The Subways

- Fingerbib - Aphex Twin

- West of her Spine - Bell x1

- Like I Love You - Bell x1

- The First Five Times - Stars

- Ten Speed - Coheed & Cambria [DAMN GOOD]

- Southern Belles in London Sing - The Faint [DAMN GOOD]

- Into Dust - Mazzy Star

- Honey and the Moon - Joseph Arthur

- Charlie Big Potato - Skunk Anansie

- Blue Veins - The Raconteurs

- Human After All - Daft Punk

- Cannonball - Damien Rice

- Cowboys Lost At Sea - For Stars

- Your Ex Lover is Dead - Stars

- Gone Daddy Gone - Gnarls Barkley

- Go-Go Gadget Gospel - Gnarls Barkley

- Transformer - Gnarls Barkley

- Ooh La La - Goldfrapp [DAMN GOOD]

- Out Of My Mind - James Blunt

- Shooting Star - Jeremy Fisher

- Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

- Another Place To Fall - KT Tunstall

- Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel

- You're So Damn Hot - Ok Go

- Cinnamon Lips - Ok Go

- There She Goes - The La's

- Multifamily Garage Sale - Land of the Loops

- Happy Hour - Ligabue

- bumTown - Moonbox

- Monophonic Shit - Mr Oizo

- House of the Rising Sun - Muse

- Lap Dance - n.e.r.d

- The Way She Dances - n.e.r.d

- Feeling Good - Nina Simone

- D'you Know What I Mean - Oasis

- Songbird - Oasis

- Requiem For OMM2 - Of Montreal

- Penelope - Pinback

- Hey Pretty - Poe

- Fortress - Pinback

- Level - The Raconteurs

- 2+2=5 - Radiohead

- Everything In It's Right Place - Radiohead

- Idioteque - Radiohead

- Exit Music (For A Film) - Radiohead

- Karma Police - Radiohead

- Headlights - Snow Patrol

- You're All I Have - Snow Patrol

- E-Talking - Soulwax

- The Way We Get By - Spoon

- Delicate - Damien Rice

- Romulus - Sufjan Stevens

- The Eraser - Thom Yorke

- Relate To Me - The Voyces

- Blue Orchid - The White Stripes (DAMN GOOD - my brother's ringtone haha)

- My Doorbell - The White Stripes

kay i didn't expect it to get that long, but they're all definitely worth it.

anyways. i'll let that settle for now..

this piece

Nexopia has a new design, and guess who did it?
my brother's friends. there's two of them who work as designers for Nexopia. i think that's so sweet. Daniel said he was gonna enter that competition to win the Mac book and what not. he has to like design something. i think he'd win. afterall, he is a designer and he did win a design competition to go to New York in May.
damn i hope he wins. he said he'd give me his laptop. do you realize how absolutely awesome that would be?! damn, thats so much better than this piece that i have in my room. and since i'm such a computer nerd, i need a computer that can keep up with my nerdiness.


[long pause] i just thought. i remember i was listening to this song a while ago. i had it on really loud. and i couldn't listen to it anymore because it felt like my brain was being tickled. is that normal ?

ass kissing

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's theBULLSHIT
and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

zombie nation

two nights ago i had a dream about zombie's. it went like this:
it was like in Resident Evil, where there's a group of people who all stick together. well i had one of those. the only person i remember being in mine is Matt Skowronski haha. i don't even know why. we were all in this big room, and i started inspecting everyone to see if they were bitten. everyone was bitten somewhere except me. the whole building outside our little room was infested with zombies, so it was almost impossible to leave without dying. me and Matt looked out the window and i brought up the idea of jumping out and escaping that way. then all of a sudden one of our people was so infected that she transformed so we threw her out the window. she landed there on the ground for awhile, then she stood up and seemed normal.. which was weird since she was a zombie a few seconds ago. then all of a sudden these two zombie's came out of nowhere and started chasing her and she was screaming and stuff. and i was like. wow, we're stupid. so then we decide we can't go out the window. we equipped ourselves with blunt objects to hit them over the head with. i went out first, and our plan was to stick to the wall in a single file and if they came to you, you'd hit them over the head. i think that's where my dream ended, but there's one thing i'm sure of. i was never bitten haha. and i thought i was Alice from Resident Evil.

last night i had a dream about zombie's. it went like this:
there's bits and pieces i remember to this. i think i was the bad guy in this one. i'll tell you what i remember and try to piece them together. it played out like a movie. and when i saw myself in the dream, i was Alice from Resident Evil. except this time i had the face of her, even the body, but my body was covered in some weird cartilige kind of stuff. and i had the same power as her. i was in this big industrial building with dimmed lighting, there were people walking around.. looking for me i think. and there was these like stairs, and at the bottom of those stairs was this chick who looked like Jill Valentine from Resident Evil, and i dived from the top of the stairs and jumped on her and killed her. and then all of a sudden i'm in a place like Winners or something. the bright white lighting, and i'm running my right hand over the different types of yarn, and all of a sudden my hand gets blown off because someone's shooting at me and there's blood everywhere. then all of a sudden i'm back in that empty building and i'm back as Alice, this is where i think it's really funny, there's this girl Meagan at my school, and she was shooting at me. and she kept shooting.. like machine gun. hundreds of bullets. and i was getting hit by all of them. and after a few hundred i finally laid there bloody and dead. and then i pictured myself laying on the ground and there were other dead people in line with me and Jill Valentine was going to each one kicking them making sure they were dead. i wasn't dead. i knew what was going on and i pretended to be dead so they wouldn't keep shooting me. so when she turned my face to ceiling i rolled my eyes back and she told me to stick my tongue out.. which was weird cuz i'm supposed to be dead.. but i stuck my tongue out very slowly. then she moved on like it was confirmation that i was dead. lol. then all of a sudden i was myself. and i think it was Leigha who was helping me up. i couldn't speak and i could barely walk 'cause apparently i was getting shot with a machine gun, but they weren't real bullets. they were like those little metal pellet things. but they hurt like fuck when my hand got blown off earlier. i had my hand back by this time. and my arm was around Leigha and i was limping and i could barely speak. and i had all these little imprints on my body from the hundreds of pellets that hit me. then she walked me into this locker room thing. and it was crowded with people i didn't know. there was only two people i knew and that was Leigha and all of a sudden Stephane appeared. he walked up to us, i was leaning on a bunch of lockers because i could barely stand. then everything went blurry, and all i could hear Leigha say was "awww" and i was like what? and she turns to me and says "he cried when he thought you died." and i looked up at him and was like "aww. you cried?" and he just looked at me and all of a sudden i gave him a big hug. AND THEN, i was in that Winners kind of place again, the bright white lighting and everything. i was past the area of yarn and now i was looking at all the different colored socks. i found one pair and as i walked around i was taking off the tags and stuff, but there's so many tags on socks that by the time i got it off i was at the cashier and she was already typing in how much i was going to pay for them so i was like "actually i change my mind." so i walk back to the socks and figure i might as well pay for them, so i try to choose three different pairs so i could pay less. but there were so many different colours i couldn't pick which colours i wanted.

and that's all i remember of that.
those are so fucked up haha. and i think i'm way too obsessed with Resident Evil :blush:

take control

today i went to school. yeah. and it was pretty ok. went for donairs with Will at lunch. i was pretty impressed. usually the donairs leak a lot, but this time it was like magic. no mess at all. i couldnt even finish the damn thing though. i barely ate anything today. i came home and slept for three hours. woke up at 7:30 pm and watched The Hills. very good i must say. Jason looks better, like he lost some weight or something. sucky that they broke up though. heard Lauren got a restraining order on him or something haha. then i chatted with Jordan for a bit on msn, went on Nexopia. then i went to watch Dancelife on MTV. DAMN THAT SHOWS GOOD. Blake from So you think you can dance is on it. he's so sexy. and so talented too. i think it's the sexiest thing watching guys do what they're best at. like actors and stuff, too. they could be mildly attractive, and if they're good actors, it just transforms them to the sexiest beings on Earth.

no school tomorrow i'm really happy.
going to Whyte Ave this weekend with Breanne. and hopefully gonna hang out with Andre afterwards....

haha

damn. i really have nothing else to say

when there's nothing left to burn, you've got to set yourself on fire

today i woke up at 11:30. then i did something else.. i actually don't remember most of today. oh yeah, i finished my chemistry. and then i watched The Perfect Man. last night i watched Speak, it's this movie based on a book i read in like.. elementary i think. of this girl who got raped and stuff. it's really good. but yeah, i watched The Perfect Man, and i've come to realize those guys in those kind of movies are really attractive. it's madness. even in Lindsay Lohan movies. in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (i fit the part well i think), the guy she ends up with in the end is really hot. and same with Mean Girls, and then Hilary Duff in Raise Your Voice?? OMG OLIVER JAMES IS SO SEXY. with his english accent too? it's amazing. he's also in What A Girl Wants.

anyways, i'm done with chick flicks. i'm so incredibly sick. after the movie i went to the living room and buried myself in a blanket. and it was nice, my mom photocopied the short story i had to read for English last night, and we talked about it. and i remember laying there under my blankets and she was at the kitchen table and we were just talking about the characters and all, and then i stared at the ceiling, and was like. wow, i am so lucky to have a mom like her, that actually cares enough to go over things with me, and it's really cool because we share the same interests kind of. when she lived in Italy and when she first moved here, she made scrapbooks. there's pictures of her drinking Spumante on New Years, there's pictures of her in Germany, there's pictures of her on the road and at the airport. she was so pretty. and her clothes were so sweet, too. she had these red over-alls kind of, and they were tight and the pants flared out of course. and her hair was about shoulder length, with a bit of a wave in it, and she always pulled back one side and secured it with this really antique really sweet looking clip. i love looking at old pictures of my parents. my dad was pretty fashionable too. he had a little afro with a mustache and long side burns, and he wore the platforms and flared pants, and there's this one picture i love of them. my dad's standing on a sidewalk and my mom's on the road and they're hugging and it's funny 'cause my dad's shorter than my mom, but not in this picture. he was taller.
i can only hope to be able to stand someone for 25 years. i can't even believe that. but yeah, me and my mom have similar interests, she has this book she used to keep and it has really neat drawings and poems and stuff. HA then there's my dad. he has these really really really old notebooks, with these cut outs different animals drawn as a cartoon, and he just pasted rows and rows and rows of different animals, and he wrote down their names underneath every single one. my dad's such a cool guy =)

anyways, i'm really sick. and i'm so scared to cough, because my heart hurts when i cough :(
it's some major suckage i tell you. and i even ate vegetables last night, for like the first time in ages. i've been eating pretty healthy actually, and i get sick. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU.
don't eat healthy, you'll get sick.
coughing hurts though, and then i can feel my heart beat in my back.. is that normal ??
i drank a few sips of tea today, and it's so cool feeling it go down your throat, and then you can just feel your whole stomach being filled with this warmth.

it's definitely a cool feeling. hmmm, i'mma finish my character sketch now

=)

super freak

kay so i woke up this morning
went to Italian School, and actually put some effort into my appearance, which i usually don't on Saturday morning, i pretty much roll out of bed and put my contacts in. but today i felt like i could take on the world. no that's a lie, but i have decided that i will put as much effort into my look as possible because i realized a few weekends ago, when i was working with Stephanie, that if i look really good, i tend to be happier to do things, like chores and what not. so anyways, i get to italian school, and Luca Marco Joe and Vince are playing Scopa (an italian card game) and Luca looks over to me and is like "wow you don't look half bad today." haha, what a greeting, but i knew it was true so i agreed. italian school's weird for me, one of my really good friends goes there too. her name's Elisse, i've known her.. like.. the minute she was born pretty much. her birthday is this month. she's really sweet, though, we're not like best friends, but her dad and my mom grew up in Italy together and our parents are part of the same Italian club (no, it's not the Mafia). we have home videos of when we were first-borns together. it's actually really sweet to have that kind of relationship with someone. anyways, she's pretty much who i hang out with Saturday mornings, and my mafia of course. the only 4 guys in our class, and pretty much the only 4 guys who have been in my class since i was 9. i never really talk to the other girls though, i mean, even if the guys are busy playing cards, and Elisse isn't there, i feel more comfortable just being a loner than talking to them haha. damn i'm so superficial.

so yeah, since it was interviews, my mom came at 11:30 to see my teacher and then i went home. i didn't have dance because my ballet teacher was at her sister's wedding, and she couldn't get a sub, so class was cancelled. so i went home, and locked myself in my room of course. my whole day has been filled with movies and chemistry. i've watched four movies on my computer. Material Girls, Thirteen, Save The Last Dance 2 (yeah it exists), and John Tucker Must Die. it's on this really sweet site i am now addicted to. it's got TONS of awesome movies, and i can't wait to watch all of them. yes, that's right. i'm determined to watch all of them.
eventually, of course.
wow, i'm such a freak haha. but i've never been happier. my parents went to my aunt's tonight while i was watching John Tucker, so i was home alone, and i went out to the kitchen to scavenge for some food, and i opened the fridge and there was a huge thing of chopped up carrots and celery and broccoli. and it just made my heart swell, i spoke to the emptiness and said "oh mother, i love you." yes, i said it out loud and then i thought "if only she could hear me say these things...maybe i should send her a text message telling her how much i love her. she might think i'm psycho though. i swear i'm bi polar." yes, those thoughts went through my head. we were in the car today, and we had this heated conversation about school and i ended up getting so incredibly angry at her i was yelling. so i turned my music up and then five minutes later i see a happy face drawn onto a street sign and i start laughing. and she's like, whats so funny. and i tell her and i'm laughing and happy like nothing had even happened five minutes earlier.
she must think i'm a freak.
but the reason i told the emptiness that i love my mom, was because here i was, looking at this huge container of vegetables, and it just made me so happy that my mom would take the time and effort to wash them and cut them, just so we'd have something healthy to eat. and i ate those vegetables like they were Willy Wonka's golden eggs.
my brother was considering going to Italy, AND Holland. and apparently Heather's going to come too. and apparently, we're going to have to come back by ourselves because my brother might decide to look for a job in Europe. how exciting. go on vacation, and then leave bawling your eyes out because you're gonna hafta leave your brother/best friend halfway across the world.

shit, i can't even think about it. i can't even think about this house that i call home, without my brother being in the basement from time to time. what if i need to have a motivational talk ?! what if i need to discuss my future with someone ?! what if i need to beg someone for money ?! what if i need to steal someones clothes ?! what if i need to watch movies with someone ?! what if i need to get angry at someone ?! OHMYGOD. i don't know what i'm going to do without him. besides the fact, of course, that i'll have his car in my possession. and once that happens i am surely getting the seats upholstered in Damask, and i might add some comforting pillows and such. but no car with really nice seats and pillows is worth not having my brother around.

Jordan really needs to get onto this invention of his for teleportation. like, ASAP i tell you.

hmm. i'm such a freak. but i ate my vegetables today. talk about nutritional value hey ?
speaking of freak, i watched some Criss Angel today and might i be pleased to inform you that he is a very, very, very, very, sexy man.

damn

SKIN PICKING AND NAIL BITING: RELATED HABITS
By Fred Penzel, Ph.D.
Although this newsletter has always been limited to discussing matters related to trichotillomania, I would like to introduce a slightly different but related topic. It may come as no surprise that there are other types of problem behaviors quite similar to trich in a number of ways. I am referring specifically to compulsive skin picking and nail biting (also known as onychophagia). These may not sound serious, but neither does hair pulling to some people. Since I have met quite a number of people who have one of these problems in addition to trich, I now routinely screen for them.
What I am referring to is not the kind of little bits of rough nail or cuticle that everyone picks at or bites from time to time, nor is it the occasional blemish that people might squeeze or pick. These nail-biters continually bite their nails past the nail bed and their cuticles until they bleed and are constantly walking around with red, sore, and sometimes infected fingers. Those who pick their skin compulsively have their faces and bodies covered, at times, with red sores and scabs known as acne excoria, a self-inflicted skin disorder that resembles acne. The smallest pimple or blemish must be opened and picked at or squeezed, either with the fingers or another implement such as tweezers, needles, pins, toothpicks, etc. Numerous scars are often the result.
Just as those with trich wear hats, scarves, wigs and makeup, nail-biters keep their hands behind their backs or in their pockets, and skin pickers wear makeup, put on clothing that covers bad areas, apply Band-Aids or just stay indoors when looking their worst. They feel the same shame and social embarrassment and experience that out-of-control feelings at times. They, too, wonder why they can't stop and they also question whether or not they are crazy.
Another similarity between these problems and trichotillomania is that they seem to happen when people are in one of two modes. Some do it in an automatic way, as if they are in a trance and not really thinking about what they are doing. Usually, they are involved in some other activity at the same time such as reading, talking on the phone, working at the computer, watching TV, etc. For others, the deliberate picking or biting is their main activity at the time, and they will frequently interrupt other activities to engage in it.
There is also a strong commonality seen in the various purposes behind these three problems. At the most basic level, they satisfy an urge. Many report an almost uncontrollable feeling of needing to do them. Pulling, picking or biting also seem to deliver a pleasurable or relaxed sensation. When sufferers feel stressed, doing these things has a kind of soothing effect on their nervous systems, and reduces levels of stimulation. On the other hand, when they are bored or inactive, they seems to provide a needed level of stimulation to the nervous system. This probably accounts for why so many people who dislike doing them find it so hard to stop. It simply "feels good" at the time, no matter what the consequences. These behaviors may really be all about self-regulation in certain individuals whose nervous system may not be doing a very good job of regulating itself.
Another factor also seems to be at work for a subgroup of people. This involves a kind of compulsive perfectionism. Some hair-pullers must pull "special" hairs that feel "different" or as if they don't belong due to their look or feel. In the same way, nail-biters will often try to bite off rough-feeling or broken bits of cuticle or nail sticking out in order to make their nails feel smooth and look "perfect" or regular. Skin-pickers will stand for hours in front of mirrors closely examining their faces or other body areas for the tiniest bump, irregularity or enlarged pore and then try to eliminate it, or drain it, in hopes of achieving a 'perfectly' clear complexion. Paradoxically, all of those who pursue such goals always end up looking much worse in spite of their efforts, as a result of the damage that they do to themselves.
What all these similarities seem to point to is that these three behaviors are probably all different aspects of the same problem. Some have theorized that theret may be that the same out-of-control grooming mechanism in the brain underlies them all. My own theory is that there may be some type of dysfunction of a brain mechanism that regulates levels of stimulation within the central nervous system, and that these behaviors represent an attempt to control these internal stimulation levels externally. People seem to pull, pick, or bite when thery are either overstimulated (dus to stress or excitement) or understimulated (due to boredom or inactivity). Many similar behaviors can be observed in animals who are kept in confined or unstimulating environments, or who live in stressful conditions.

damn, i might actually have a serious problem guys.

series of words i take pleasure in

"Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball"

"My book has more bookmarks than pages 'Cause it takes me ages Or is everybody reading ? "

"And it's beginning to get to me That I know more of the stars and sea Than I do of what's in your head Barely touching in our cold bed "

"Learn to wear each other well"

"It's like a cigarette in the mouth Or a handshake in the doorway I look at you and smile because I'm fine"

"and why do you sing Hallelujah If it means nothing to ya"

"the grass is greener where it rains"

"hoping someday someone will do you like i did"

"But she's just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I've done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands "

"kiss me like they do it in the movies. kiss me like we're in the backseat "

"me myself and i, it's all a guy in the end, that's what i found out, but there ain't no need to cry, i took a vow that from now on i'm gonna be my own best friend "

"in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to be whole on their own. "

"i spent my life learning to let go When the time comes will i remember how to hold on "

"the game of pick up sticks played by fucking lunatics"

the first five times

The first time, in your backyard
Underneath the plastic sheeting
Outside, it was pouring
And we were drunk as shit

Next time, at a party
When all our friends were there
There's nothing like their mattresses
Underneath the stair

The third time, in the doorway
Lights all on around us
And the audience beside us
And the old man watching from a tree

Fourth time, I said that's it
You've agreed to give me everything
Now I've got to ask you one thing
Keep doing that forever

Fifth time in your bedroom
And finally, we rested
And you leaned upon your elbow
And began to speak to me

But you stopped yourself and kissed me
And I grabbed your lips and told you
I know, I know, I know
I feel the same as you

And everyday, it's changed since then
In every way, I've changed since then

victim of selective hearing

i got to school this morning, and got my semester two books. i have a lot of text books, it's nuts. i had Psychology. we were put into partners, there weren't enough people, so i was put in a group of three. with a girl named Shavonne and a guy named Dylan. we had to ask each other questions to get to know them. it was pretty cool, i guess. met some new people, and Dylan's in my chemistry class, too, so it's pretty cool.
i had English, too, and i scared Matt pretty good when i walked him and gave him a light punch on the shoulder. English is going to be a really great class. Mrs. Palazzo is my teacher, and i've seen her ever since i was a kid, because her kids went to my Italian school. i've never actually talked to her before, but she's one of those teachers that aren't out to get you, and it seems she really cares how we do in her class. i love teachers like that. have i mentioned she's absolutely hysterical ? all my teachers are like that this semester, minus my options of course.
she gave us an assignment that i am so excited to do. she told us to read this short story once, and then write everything we feel about this story, and when she said that i thought Hey! I am so good at that. then she told us to read it again, and do a character sketch on one of the characters. which i also love doing. i know it's a creep characteristic, but i love analyzing people. she told us that when we read stories, we have to make ourselves the character in order to understand the story to our full potential. and i love that. i mean, it's what i'm good at. how many times do i talk about watching movies in this thing? it's because i love how involved and consumed i get when i watch them. movies just get to me.

yesterday my mother called me a flag. i wasn't sure i wanted to stay in psychology because it looked really dry. so she raised her tone and called me a flag. well, she said more than that, but that's all i really heard of what she was saying.

have i mentioned i have selective hearing ? yes, it's true. i've realized i only listen to what i want to hear. yesterday after school, i was with Tyler and i was calling my mom for a ride, and Tyler was all up in my grill making these popping noises, and only afterwards i realized he was actually doing that. Amanda was like "wow you're really good at tuning out noises." and then this morning, i was listening to my iPod, put it on my favorite song, and then five minutes later i realized i hadn't even been listening to it. i just think about things so much that my thoughts tend to cloud over my music at times, and i don't realize i'm even listening to music. because of this disorder or whatever you might want to call it, i usually listen to my favorite songs after i've been listening to music for awhile, so my thoughts have a chance to settle down.

sometimes it doesn't work, and it just gets worse. songs remind me of too many things, and they make me think of different things, steering me away from the relaxing effect music can bring.

hmmmph. i'm wearing my beige scarf from American Apparel. got it for free for spending over fifty bucks there when i bought my sleeveless hoodies. damn i love them things.

she sun

sometimes i feel like i can see through people more than i can see through myself.

a certain romance

semester two began today. shall i give you deets? well, of course i will.

block one - cosmetology - i have very good expectations in this class. i'm almost 100% positive it's going to be a blast. Tracy, Paulina, Chia, and Emily. AND that guy who wears the bullet belt all the time, who looks completely gay, but also very good-looking.

block two - english - i am so happy to be in an English class again. it's been far too long. looks like a hard teacher, but she's good, and i'm so enthused to get started. PLUS, Matt's in that class and so is Breanne.

block three - psychology - almost skipped it. i'm not feelin' it too much. Nikoline wants me to stay in it. i most likely will.. unfortunately. at least i got my Euro Blonde/Brunette Union buddy Nikki. yeah she's pretty sweet.

lunch - Jamie made an appearance. once again made fun of my constant stoner state. don't worry, i'm not a stoner, i just stare into space and speak like one.

block four - french - FUCKING AWESOME I SAY. i mean, it's got Britnee, Alison, Alyssa, Bri, Breanne, Ana Marija, and of course Mr F. of course, i gave him a nice greeting upon entry. and damnit, i got moved first class already. Mr F is supposed to let me get away with stuff. he probably wants me closer to the front 'cause i'm just so god damn amazing at French.

block five - chemistry - it's pretty sweet. sounds like it might be my toughest course this semester. also a lot of cool people in this class. Julian, Alex, Deanna, Melissa, Daniel and some others. my teacher's a nutjob though. she has a whole whiteboard calendar at the back with every single one of our exams for the next month written down. i swear if i were to pass out, and i neede instant heart revival or whatever it's called, i could look at that board and be resurrected instantaneously. so she pretty much gave us twenty questions and a few pages of notes to take. and to be honest, i'm pretty excited for that. this semester, is my time to shine =) lmao. shut up.

i'm so determined. soooo determined.

so leave me alone for now.

=)

damn, my cutesy pie Jordan is in Lethbridge until SUNDAY. that's like four days. i'm down.