hoobastank

yes, it did suck. it kinda got me down and angry. but it's not like i'm not doing anything about it. then i thought, why would i get mad when i think the exact same thing. i guess i'm not as delusional as i thought i was.

i woke up this morning and watched this episode of Oprah that my mother taped. it was Bob Greene. and his diet called the best life diet. yes of course i watched it. man it makes me angry to see these women who are like 250 pounds drop 120 pounds. and i can't even drop 5. and the thing that bugs me is that no matter what i do, i'm the same weight. i can eat like the biggest pig ever and still be the same, i can go for days eating less and excercising more and still be the same. maybe it's 'cause i'm italian. Bob Greene said that we should watch out for regular pasta. and i was like :jawdrop:
well i'm sorry mister Bob Greene, what if you happen to be raised by a bunch of crazy Italians? do i have any exception to rule, hmm? because i know my mom makes pasta like.. at least 3 or 4 times a week, and when i tell them i'm not hungry and that i'm not eating, they automatically think there's something wrong and get mad at me until i sit down and eat something. another thing Bob said is that i shouldn't eat white bread. and i was like, yay for that. i don't think my mom's ever bought white bread in my whole entire life. i used to hate it, but i can't stand white bread. it's so like.. plain. whole grain bread is so good. he also said to stop drinking soda. which doesn't really affect me because i only drink soda on special occasions. #2) foods with trans-fats. i don't eat foods with trans-fats because my mother is a health nut and makes sure nothing in our house has trans-fats haha. #3) fried foods. which i don't really have either. #6) high fat dairy products. and that's where it got me. he said an example was ice cream, well i don't really eat ice cream all that much.. i do like cheese though. that damn cheddar..
but i was looking at this list and i was like. kay, well i'm not really doing anything wrong. then why do i feel so.. wrong.
i think it's all in how i eat. i mean, i always know not to eat two hours before bed, but i break that a lot since it seems really stupid. but Oprah re-inforced it, so i was like. ok maybe i'll try. so i am swearing to myself that i won't eat after 7:30 pm everyday. and i'll see what happens. he said to drink water. and well, i do reasonably well with that. i think the thing that gets me most is how often i eat though. i should only have 3 meals a day and 2 snacks at most. which is pretty difficult when you go to school. i eat during my blocks and i never eat at lunch, i get home and eat then i eat supper a few hours after, and then i eat something after supper too. ITS HORRIBLE. he also said to add a vitamin supplement. which i have no problem doing. i take three different vitamins everday. and i have them in my room so i won't forget.

i swear it's 'cause i'm Italian. i have the thighs hips and ass of an Italian. sometimes i hate it, and sometimes i'm actually quite proud of it i'm not going to lie. because i would rather have all that than have nothing at all, you know what i mean?

but anyways, enough of that. this morning i woke up and had yogurt. and for lunch i made eggs and toast. so what's with these Omega eggs that i have? i saw them and they had printing on them that said Omega or something and i was like.. umm ok. and they were really hard to break open too. haha i remember when we had ducks last spring (to eat, of course haha), and my dad would get them fat and he would bring their eggs in and once my mom made duck eggs. DUCK EGGS. yes, i have eaten duck eggs in the place of chicken eggs. my brother didn't like them, i didn't really notice a difference. i thought it was funny. then i thought of the Flintstones, and when Wilma makes dinosaur eggs...

now i'm sitting here listening to a really gay band. i guess it's kind of a guilty pleasure. from grade eight. it sucks how i know all the words...

mmm

i am eating a peanut butter and jam sandwich [insert heart here]

southern belles in london sing

i went to school this morning, ready to study from 8 am until 12:30 pm. i sat at the tables, studied for about half hour. then Tyler and Steven sat with me and Tyler helped me study. he went over pretty much my whole biology course with me. and i remembered everything he said. he explained shit so well, and in a comical fashion, so i was laughing and it stuck at the same time. then around 9 we went to Tim Hortons, he bought 6 donuts for all three of us and i got myself a hot chocolate. then we walked back. and it was really funny, because Steven is a really quiet guy, and he was going home after Tim Hortons so me and Tyler basically talked the whole time and on the way back we were talking and he chucked his coffee in the snow and turned around to say "geez Steven don't litter!" and when he did he was just like "...Steven??" and we were like what the fuck. the kid was gone haha. funniest thing though. he just disappeared and that whole time we thought he was behind us. anyways, so we get to school, meet up with Lauren Breanne and Justin. we sit in the cafeteria and start studying, then we meet up with Amanda and tells us that Ms Page is having a review thing so we go see Ms Page and she explains to us the whole three steps of Cellular Respiration, step 1 the anaerobic cyle or Glycolysis, step two Kreb's Cycle or Citric Acid Cycle or aerobic cycle, step two ETS or oxidation phosphorylation. i am so stupid. before i talked to Ms Page i didn't even know those things were the three steps of cellular respiration. i just thought they were some random things that occurred within the plant or something. and then we went over the steps of Photosynthesis, step one the light dependent reaction and step two the light independent reaction. i was really proud of myself because i understood everything. so after, me Breanne Justin Julian and Tyler went outside for a smoke, except only 3 of us actually had a smoke. then i went into the exam at 1, was on question 25 after about a half hour. i was out of there at 1:15. it was crazy. now that i think about it, i could have done my written response's better. i mean, i didn't even capitalize the first letter of every new sentence lol. anyways, now i have math to worry about. i write it on monday.
so after the exam i waited in the hallway, talked to bunch of randoms in my class and out of my class and then me Breanne and Melissa went to eat at Subway. and then me and Breanne went to the office 'cause we had an appointment at 4 for course changes. he let us go in at the same time. and then my math teacher walked in and was like "are you guys like Siamese twins?! Mr Pryma, do not put these girls in any class together, they will not stop talking." it was pretty funny. but the original plan was to go into Biology 30, but he suggested not putting ourselves in a situation where we have four core subjects this semester. he said we'll have a meltdown, and since we aren't honour students at the moment, he didn't think it was a good idea. BUT i did accomplish something. i switched Chemistry and Biology so now i have french with none other than

MR F. haha, i was so jubilant. the guy is like my favorite teacher, i've talked about him before so i won't talk about him i swear. he's just a really sweet asian guy lol. who knows 5 languages.

so after that, my mom dropped Breanne off, and i came home, went on msn talked to Jordan. and around 7 i went to nap since i felt like i was ready to hibernate. woke up at 9:09, went to watch the oc but my mom told me to go to my room and study for math. and then i pulled a popular stupid teenager rant about how she's bitter haha. now i'm sitting here writing while i listen to the sweet sweet sounds of voices and violins and guitars and drums. The Faint is pretty amazing to me.

for old time's sake, the thought of the moment is how awesome how things progressed in the past few weeks.

hidden half

i dress like such a teenager

nostalgia

kay guys, i have to honestly admit that i am going nuts here.
i really want to go to Italy. i wanna go back so bad. it's just crazy. i miss it. the atmosphere, the mountains, the heat, the people, the music. everytime i start listening to my italian music, it just makes me go even crazier. and i just feel so confined to this one place and i don't like feeling confined to places, i just wanna

i'm pretty sure i think about Italy at least once everyday. i miss all them. i miss the easy access to bars and alcohol and the discoteca. the friends, the good times, the

last summer was so good. Italy winning the cup just made it so much better. i wanna drive on those windy roads, i wanna climb those four flights of stairs, i wanna see Roberta.. and Veronica. and Paola.
and i wanna see how much hotter Ivan got. i would kill to see them everyday. i wanna see if Manuel got any funnier, or if he finally gained some weight haha. i wanna shop in Cles, i wanna

get car sick, i wanna go on road trips, i wanna see what people only see on television and books. i wanna feel the humidity, i wanna walk all the Cinque Terre. haha i remember that time we took a tram there. we walked down the Lovers Walk. all the graffiti everywhere of all the lovers that walked down there. i wanna walk down there with a lover. and then look down and see the bluest of blue water. i wanna feel my nerves heighten when going to visit family. i wanna feel nervous when i stumble over words. i wanna know i can sleep in, but have a reason to wake up early. i wanna have a cigarette out the window.

i remember a few summers ago, i was there with my cousins from Calgary, and we sat on the balcony at night and listened to our music and we just sang really loud probably awakening the whole town, and i remember we were listening to My Band by Eminem, and there was this one part that Kevin imitated so good and i just couldn't stop laughing. and then when we all went to Gardaland (amusement park), and we went on all the rides and i went on my first roller coaster ride. i held Kevin's hand so tight i almost crushed it. i went on two times in a row, second time Kevin made sure i didn't close my eyes and he kept laughing and when he laughs i just laugh harder. i remember we woke up early to make it there on time, and we were all alert and we were caught in traffic and we laughed at how many birds there were outside. and i remember the water ride, i got major butterflies it was crazy. so much fun. there was this fake volcano there, and i blurted out "is that real?!" and they still make fun of me to this day lol. and i remember we went to Venice, a few days after i even made it to Italy (they were there for a while before i came), and i ate my first Margherita pizza in a long time and mmm.. i remember we were sitting behind this big pillar in a church in Venice, and Kevin took his shoes off and within seconds we could smell his feet and we just laughed. and outside their churches and buildings they have these stick things that keep pigeons from sitting on them, and there were feathers from dead pigeons up there and we had a laugh at that as well. and then we saw this one pigeon with a tumour. i wouldnt have found it funny if Kevin and Anthony didn't start laughing.. and then my deeply religious aunt told us to stop because it was a creature of God. which made us laugh even more. and then we saw the pigeon man. he was covered in pigeons. funniest thing ever. aw i miss it =(

i miss how my mom is a totally different person there. i miss how she didn't smoke as often, she got more sleep, she yelled less, she laughed more, she hugged me more. i miss seeing her cry when we had to leave. to see that she loves that place as much as i do, but even more. i can't imagine how odd that must be for her. we went for a walk together at night once, and she told me that as she gets older, she misses the place she was born more and more.

i miss getting my hair done by Marta, and i miss walking to my aunt's apartment. and buzzing her three times in a row to hear her say "pronto?" and then i'd answer "sono Christine", and she'd knit while i did some Italian homework, and then she'd give me cookies and freak out when i leaned out the window too far. i'd draw her pictures to tape to her cupboards.
and once a week she would walk over and put my grandma's hair in rollers, and they'd fight over dumb things.
it's so sweet.. i mean, they're three sisters.. Antonia, Rita and Caterina, and they drink coffee and eat cookies and knit together everyday, they walk everywhere, they go to church every week.. it's just a sweet sweet life to live.
i miss Zia's french toast that she made for me at 8 o'clock at night for supper.

*huge ass sigh*

two favorite love songs

Quando una ragazza c'e by Offside:
Quando una ragazza c'e'...
quando esplode dentro te
quando vedi solo lei
difese piu' non hai
quando l'accompagni e poi
corri a casa perche' vuoi
dirle che ti manca gia'
e sei fregato sai...
Va cosi' stasera...vedo le fate
sto qui da un' ora...
c'e' troppa quiete
sto qui e bevo ma non ho sete
invadente te...
prepotente in me
Quando una ragazza c'e'
prendi su la moto e vai
sotto una finestra che
e' gia' spenta ormai
passi un dito su di te
dove ti ha baciato lei
ora ci fai caso che sono gia' le sei

translation (by me, so give me a break if i don't know it all haha):
when there is a girl,
when it explodes within,
when you only see her,
[difese piu' non hai
quando l'accompagni e poi]
run home because you want
to tell her you miss her already
[e sei fragato sai..]
it goes like this tonight, i see the fairies
and i stay here an hour
there's too much quiet
stay here and drink but i'm not thirsty
[invadente te...
prepotente in me]
When there's a girl
get on your moto and go
under the window
that is turned off by then
put a finger on you
where she kissed you
]ora ci fai caso] that it's already six

Fotografia by 78 Bit:
Non so cosa dirti e siamo qua
Mentre il freddo fuma il fiato
Stretto in un cappotto che di noi
Ha visto inverni più felici
Denti stretti labbra mordono
Lacrime sospese a un gesto che
Tu hai da parte ma non è per me
Amore che muore
E solo adesso che sei andata via
Strapperò quella fotografia
Perché fa male rivedere che
Io sono ancora lì vicino a te
E non mi importa cosa accadrà
E se qualcuno lo racconterà
Io non so stare ancora senza te
E non riesco più a sorridere

translation (again, by me):
I don't know what to tell you
And we are here while the cold smokes [il fiato]
Wrapped in a coat of ours
We have seen happier winters
Teeth straight, lips bite
Tears drop [a un gesto che]
You have from a part, but it's not for me
Love that dies
And only now that you're gone
I will tear that photograph
Because it hurts to see that i'm still there close to you
And i don't care what will happen
And if someone asks
I don't know how to be without you
And i can't even try to smile

-- i was feeling like a cheeseball and really lame. so i decided to share with you parts of some really good songs.

CW = can't wait

i really can't wait to leave this country.


really can't wait

ny

So my brother’s leaving for the first week in May. He is traveling to New York. Because, well, he’s a genius and is clearly going somewhere in life. He tried out for this thing, him and his group of friends designed this book thing, and they chose their design so now they get to go to New York. Do you even realize how awesome that is.he’s going to get me like really sweet stuff from New York, and I get to live in his room for a whole week.


I wish I knew what I was doing in life.

glam-sex decadence

My old blog is ableto post stuff now. Too bad it’s too late and I’ve already started this one. I am sitting here in communications. With nothing to do. Nothinggggg to do. I am kinda bored actually. I’ve been single for almost a year and I’m listening to Goldfrapp. Damn they are good. Damn do I ever hate it when those people wear they’re eyeliner real dark and have them wings on the sides. And they have that super straight hair with perfectly angled bangs and then they have some sort of emo looking headband. Usually with polka dots.
Wow Goldfrapp has been requested to do mixes for Franz Ferdinand and Marilyn Manson. Sweet heyyy. I thought so.
Anyways. I can see November of 2005 replaying soon possibly. Maybe. Who knows.
I really wanna watch a movie. Zach Braff was in an episode of Babysitters Club. Haha; wow I love him. He’s actually like so sweet. And so incredibly cute. He’s got this new movie coming out, that he’s directing.. it’s called Open Hearts. Actually, he has a lot of projects coming out soon. Two for 2007 and one for 2008. and I plan to watch all of them. And in a few years I plan to have a Zach Braff-a-thon. <333

Have I mentioned
That I am completely, totally and utterly
And possibly maybe even royally
SCREWED

lovely 2 C U

today was pretty good. one of the best days in a while actually. went to school when it wasn't even necessary, did some Biology until Jordan showed up.
when he did, we walked to Northgate, had some Orange Julius, walked back and hung out with Leigha and Jamie and Pascale and Lauren.
it was much fun.
=)

and after school.. i swear i laughed the hardest i ever laughed in the longest time. Ashley said she heard me from around the corner and down the hall. ..yeah i do that sometimes haha. but me and Leigha had a good time. she made me laugh tons. like.. tons. and it felt really good. we hadn't done that in a long time. i love laughing like that. and fuck, she makes me laugh so hard when she immitates me when i try saying something and it sounds like a bunch of jibberish. and she repeats it the way i said it and it just makes me laugh even harder. it's fucking stupid. i love it. i love her.

but yeah, speaking of friends. do you ever like.. find yourself in a moment, and you realize it's not even the same anymore. like, everyone acts like it's the same and nothing's changed, when it really has. you don't feel as comfortable around that person like you used to. and then you think of that group of friends that you had the past million years... and you feel like it was all a lie.
i mean, what's the definition of friend.. seriously? someone who you feel you can talk to about anything, and someone you know will talk to you about anything.. without hesitation. well there's those few that i never felt that way with. i always called them my best friends. i wrote messages for them in my blog.. i knew they'd never do the same thing back. and i thought about that today in ballet.. and i was just like.. wow. i pretty much wasted my time, believing we were actually best friends. i don't even know what got that notion in my head in the first place. i'm closer to people i just met than some of them.. i hate to think like that, but it's the truth. going to dance used to be the funnest thing ever, i used to go for the people and not even to dance. now i find myself actually listening and trying my best to do what i'm there to do.. minus when Lauren and Leigha are there, 'cause concentrating just isn't an option when those two are around.
and it kinda hurts.. like our whole group is just so messed up. they talk behind each other's backs and they don't like certain people. i feel like there's a wall like something missing.
maybe it's become that time where age difference actually made.. well, a difference. it never used to be that way. but then i find them talking about stuff i have no idea about and it's like we have nothing in common anymore.
maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion, but it's just how i felt today.

then again.. maybe i just expect too much.

them sex scenes

i viewed The Last Kiss last night. Starring Zach Braff. whom i love with my whole entire heart. you know what gets to me? sex scenes. they always get to me. they're just so hot and visual and it's like wow. that was amazing. especially when Zach Braff is in them. he's just so incredibly adorable and cute and i just wanna give him a monster hug everytime i see him on the screen. and then there's Rachel Bilson who conveniently plays Summer on The OC, who is also equally cute, but leaning more towards sexy. and the sex scene between these two was just so good. then there's this part in Requiem For A Dream, when Harry and Marion are in the elevator making out, THAT was a good scene too, even if it did only last like.. 5 seconds. *sigh*

1 in the lovely morning

i wish i lived with a pack of hippies sometimes. also, i think the reason i have so much cool stuff is so that when i screw up they have more to take away.

so i'm screwed in the end. i would much rather have nothing, than give someone else the satisfaction of taking something away from me.

i guess i don't have it too bad. i have my cd player, and me being so intelligent i organized my music ocllection a while ago so i have lots of music to choose from. currently listening to Gorillaz. cleaned my iPod up tonight. so i don't have a whole buncha crap i don't listen to or like.

i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning bright and early. going to wake up at 7 30 in the am. then i'm going work out for a bit, make pancakes, take a bath, put on a face mask and then i'm going to do my biology homework and drink green tea. and during the little breaks i will reward myself with, i will read...


THE FINAL BOOK OF THE SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS THAT MY LOVING BROTHER HAS BOUGHT ME TODAY.

i am SO excited. Lemony Snicket is amazing. seriously. he's probably one of the coolest most brilliant people i wish i knew. besides myself, of course. he has this new book out, The Beatrice Letters, i really want to read them and find out who Beatrice really is, sicne she is mentioned frequently in his other books. yup he's sweet.

well it is nearly 1 in the lovely morning, so i shall go to bed and reminisce over the good times i had with my cellular telephone and my iPod, by mourning over their remnants (the cell phone battery pack, and my earphones.. well technically Lauren's earphones since she is such a lifesaver and let me borrow hers while my old ones are not living anymore, anyways this is a very long parentheses, so i will end it now)

mother thinks i have psychological problems

it's true.

so i have this image of what i want to be. do you ever set this image of yourself as the person you want to be. down to the clothes you wear, the color of your hair, with your priorities set in the way you want them to be, where you're made of self-confidence and everything seems to make sense. the music you listen to, the shows you watch, your attitude towards specific things.

self-improvement.

thinking about how if you could do all these things. to surprise the world and show them exactly how you want to be.

i had italian school this morning. i've realized i really have to make some changes in my life. i do sit here, probably using the time writing about how i can change instead of actually doing it. i'm one of those all talk no walk people. maybe i could change that too. maybe i'll make a list of everything. although i recall making a deal with myself in my other blog that i would not make any lists. that was then. maybe i'll make a list. one, i'll go to church more often without complaining. what good did trashing the bible every do to my life? i really have nothing to lose. it's good to believe in something, maybe it's time to start actually showing it instead of feeling embarrassed by it because everyone is so anti-God nowadays. which i don't really grasp anyways.. teenagers can be so mainstream sometimes. two, listen to good music. last night i finally became familiar with my iPod. as you know, i have around 6000 songs on it. and most of it i didn't really give two shits about. last night, i went through every band that i had not heard of, wrote them down, listened to them, and decided whether or not they cramped my style or not. most did not cramp my style. and that's where i found that i can pretty much force myself to like anything. ...

three, stop trying to be the victim. sometimes i put myself out there knowing perfectly well how vulnerable i make myself. even when i know ahead of time i'm going to be shut down. for real. think about that. isn't that the dumbest thing you ever heard? it's like asking the postman to bring you milk, hoping to God he'd say "yes, of course Christine, i'll bring you milk instead of the mail" back to you. four, going with the flow would be ideal. five, be a closed book. if someone tells you something, you keep it to yourself. not be a human PA system, and screw up badly with everyone's trust.

six, keep some bad habits. but make them desirable. if i don't feel i should get rid of them yet, then i won't. i'll make them the next good habit. get rid of the ones that make your fingers bleed. seven, make my mother smile. eight, take the job my mother offered me. to clean the house for money. fulfills number seven as well.

nine, make friends. not boyfriends. at least for now. "in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to be whole on their own." maybe i should try being whole on my own. ten, cuddle with Baby and Boots more. eleven, stop reading trash books and read those good books Oprah keeps talking about. twelve, make time for reading.. it used to be a favorite of mine. thirteen, fulfill my materialistic needs, and then save everything else.

fourteen, have some bonding time with daddy. maybe ask him to take me for a drive now and then. fifteen, let my brother teach me to snowboard with some confidence. and not get mad at him for spending time with his girlfriend. sixteen, try being sweet instead of bitter.

seventeen, mother's always right.

- i don't know why i'm still afraid, if you weren't real i would make you up.
i wish that i could follow-through, i know that your love is true and deep as the sea.
but right now everything you want is wrong and right now all your dreams are waking up and right now
i wish i could follow you

my life movie soundtrack

Opening Credits- Die You Bastard - Motorhead Waking Up- The Model - Belle and Sebastien First Day At School- Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix Shopping- Non Finira - Daniele Vit Hanging with Friends- Pull Out - Death From Above 1979 First Kiss- I Can't Get No Satisfaction - Rolling Stones ha! Birthday- When Girls Telephone Boys - Deftones Party Scene- Dear Diary - Travis Falling In Love- Quick Death - Transplants ha! Fight Song- God Save The USA - Pennywise Breaking Up- Volcano - Damien Rice Prom- Sparks - Coldplay aww College- In The Cold Cold Night - The White Stripes Life- Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens Mental Breakdown- Mixed Emotions - Rolling Stones Driving- Crappy Payphone Song - Poem Rocket Flashback- The Gate - Sam Roberts Getting Back Together- This Protector - The White Stripes Love Scene- A Night At The Drugstore - National Skyline Wedding- Cop Theme - EZ Rollers Honeymoon- Strangest Tribe - Pearl Jam Birth of Child- Fool - Shakira Final Battle- Drama Queen - HorrorPops Death scene- Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers Funeral Song- It's Like That - Handsome Boy Modeling School End Credits- Resident Evil (Main Title Theme) - Marilyn Manson wow. my life movie soundtrack kinda sucks haha

i'm compulsive

Facebook me!

music in mouth

"i'm not over you
can i get back under?"

i'm in Communications.
and i need to study.

california here we come

"in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to whole on their own."

i just watched the oc. and i am so effing bummed about it's cancellation. i know it's really gay and nerdy but i've never gotten so attached to a show before. where i feel pure bliss about some characters, pure hatred for others. i feel like i know the characters inside and out. i feel like i've grown up next to them. and it makes me sad that there's only 6 episodes left.
it had everything. action, comedy, drama, and romance and a rockin' music selection. i don't think any show will ever live up to the oc. not even Entourage.

hmmmph. i am truly bummed over this

get your hair did

i could paint a picture with a pin
but a song will only scratch the skin
and there are still places i haven't been
because i know what's in there is all really in there

don't bring me down like that

sooo Entourage is just a rerun. i would've watched it if my brother was gonna watch it.


buuuuuuuut he was busy as usual.

o green world

get up get up get up get up get up. i dissected a fetal pig today. coolest thing ever. it seemed so surreal.. like. i think back to it right now and it all looks like child's play =) yes, i'm tlaking about the dissection of a pig.

onto other things.
in this moment i realize immaturity. think back to Bridget Jones' Diary. when she's at the Christmas party at the beginning. after she talks to that guy and all, she walks away and the movie pauses, and Bridget Jones, who is narrating, says that that was the moment. right down the very second. i had one of those. and knowing me, i might completely go against it tomorrow. but for right now, i see how incredibly immature they're being. i wrote in my blog last night, i saved it as a draft so no one could see, but i wrote. and i wrote any stupid thing that came to mind. because they made me feel like the biggest piece of crap. well for right now (key words there), my fingers won't stop bleeding and i don't need that extra baggage. not the baggage that my fingers bring, but the baggage that human being brings.
plus, there's someone there that doesn't give me that extra baggage. it's not the same, but i'm sure with time it'll become something quite nice.
but then there's always those times when i get bored and start fights for no reason. yes, i am one of those incredibly stupid people who start fights when they get bored with certain situations.

i'm actually so over it right now i don't even feel the need to waste more space in my blog writing about it. so Entourage starts in 10 minutes so i better hurry this up. my brother's girlfriend is over. after Entourage, i'm probably gonna work my center some more and possibly start Math Review?? that would be ideal im not gonna lie. good thing i believe in God.. maybe he can help me out some with my various exams. that, also, would be ideal.
i am currently listening to Gorillaz. yes, they are fantastic.
i noticed myself flirting with someone i used to dislike with a great passion last year.
i worked out today for almost an hour with Leigha (YES ITS A RECORD), and i lost 370 calories. i remember when it worked like that.. when my own elliptical trainer was actually sufficient. like, i would run for an hour almost everyday and i'd put it on the highest thing and in one hour i lost like 100 fat calories and 400 calories in general, and it was so fun too because i was at my own home where i could burst out in song as i ran. but now the stupid thing is demented, so when i raise the resistance, it shows up on the screen, but it doesn't get harder, but the calories are coutning faster because it thinks it's actually getting harder.. when it really isn't. so it frustrates me a great deal.

anyway, 4 minutes 'til Entourage.

ta ta for now =)
and i usually feel really retarded writing about the silly boys i like, but i know how Lauren feels because im feeling the exact same about him right now. he's at a hockey game right now actually... anyways, that's probably the last time you'll hear about him for awhile haha

probably a bad thing

so first day back after break heyyyy. last night went pretty well. crawled into bed at approximately 11:10 pm. Boots jumped onto my bedso i had to get up and open my door in case he wanted to leave later.
he slept with me practically the whole night. i was listening to music while he was curled into my arms and i dozed off for what seemed to be 30 minutes. then i stopped listening to music, and i fell asleep pretty well. although i laid there for practically the whole night.
weirdest thing though.. i mean, i moved around abit and Boots didn't even seem bothered at all, usually he gets up and leaves, but it seemed that there was some sort of.. like.. aura upon us or something. i was so relaxed, even though i didn't sleep the last half of the night. i laid there listening to his purring, and at one point i flopped him onto my stomach and he flopped half way off and was still asleep so he was like in this awkward position. cutest thing ever. it was nice.
i didn't feel alone. to me, he's actually a person. even Baby is. it was just real cozy. i kinda talked to him, and he'd doze off and when he stops purring you know he's completely asleep. and then he'd hear a noise and wake up and be alert for like a second, and then he'd fall back asleep again.
it was nice. being cozy in bed with Boots, and hearing the crazy wind going crazy outside. at around 3 i was considering getting out of bed to get ready for school. since i couldn't sleep and was just laying there thinking. i was hungry and i had to pee but i couldn't move.
i figured if i woke up now when i'm actually willing to wake up, it would be better than laying here until i fall asleep and end up waking up to an alarm and the thought of hating to wake up. but of course, i laid there and woke up at 5 50, pretty easily too. i went made myself some breakfast (apple and cheddar slices lol), made some Green Tea, then walked to the bathroom only to see how horrific i really looked (the afro came alive).

that was pretty much my morning. today went pretty well. came home after school and ate good food, watched some Miss Seventeen ha. Teddy Greiger is actually very sexy. and i was totally unaware that he's only 16. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? i sure as hell couldn't i thought he was in his mid-twenties.. i mean, he got to make out with Kristen from LB.. i forgot her last name. OH WAIT i didn't. it's like Callavari.. i think. anyways. he's so sexy. i mean, his voice and those blue eyes. they're amazing. he's amazing.

anyways. so um is it normal to not be worried about finals after this semester has sucked some major ass? because to be quite frank, i'm not really worried.
it's seems i have stirred up some nonsense in my head that no matter what happens i'll do good. maybe 'cause no matter what DID happen in the past, i've always managed to do reasonably well, so it's just normal for me to think i'll do alright.

that's probably a bad thing hey..

who'll come back for you?

trust is an issue for everyone. for me, it can be.
i can't fully trust some of the most important people in my life.
maybe that means i have trust issues, but it seems i trust strangers more than people i know.

sometimes i think i have trouble trusting some people for a few reasons.
1) i don't feel worth keeping a promise to
2) if i was keeping a certain promise like that to someone, i myself wouldn't keep it
3) i make myself vulnerable, and usually give everyone a chance to stab me in the back
on the other hand, i easily trust people too, unless they give me a reason not to. it's probably easier to trust people you just meet though, because even if they don't follow through it's not a blow to the heart. it's funny how that works. it should be easier to trust people closer to you and difficult to trust strangers rather than the other way around...

you know how i picture it?
you know in the Titanic, when Jack is handcuffed to that column in the bottom of the ship? and when Rose finds him, she goes to find help and she promises to come back?
well, i put myself in Jack's situation.
if i was handcuffed to a sinking ship, who would come back for me? i close my eyes and place myself in that situation, and then i alternate who's in Rose's position. if you were going to drown in a sinking ship, who do you think you'd feel most comfortable knowing they had your life in their hands?

and when you stand there handcuffed, and they go to find help, what are you thinking? sometimes it's "oh shit, i pretty much committed suicide" if you feel you don't trust that person will come back for you. but sometimes it's "i can't wait to get out of here" if you feel you do trust that they will come back for you.

it's weird to think about. who'll come back for you?

to me

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face Buries her soul in one embrace They're one and the same Just like water

On comes the panic light Holding on with fingers and feelings alike But the time has come To move along

Can you help me Can you let me go
And can you still love me When you can't see me anymore

And the fire fades away Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world to me

last night had a dream 'bout...

i was with Alison, who i hung out with all the time in grade nine.
we were at school. it was lunch everyone was outside
and across the street by the elementary the members of Keane were there.
so i was like "i wanna run up to them. but thats gay cuz i dunno what to say i cant be all like OMG YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. cuz everyone says that". so i was shy and didn't go see them.
actually, no one was going to see them.

but then i was like.. aww fuck it, so we go see them
then all of a sudden they're not there
instead, theres this popular group at my school standing in their place
so im like ok, moving along
and the members of Keane are up ahead of me, walking beside the school across the street
and all of a sudden i can't get to them because all of a sudden people are just everywhere, when a second ago they couldnt care less
so we decide to go inside the school, and go outside from the doors they were leaning on, then we'd end up right next to them
so we carry out that plan
and then .. while we're in the school, we see a conference or something
with adults and people that i know from school
so i was like wtf why are you guys having a conference

i never said that, but thats what i thought

then, where the door to the outside was supposed to be, was a mall

inside the school
so we were looking at make up and stuff

and i picked up eyeliner and lipstick and eyeshadow..

stuff i usually never buy at drug stores

and i bought them in the color brown

which was weird too

i also remember there was something else we picked up,

i can't remember what but it was really important i think

so we walked out

the alarms beeped

and i joked around with the cop

and he let us go

and that's it. weird hey? and when i got to the mall part, i completely forgot about Keane and stuff..

fucking crazy i say

you wanna see

kay so a while ago i watched this movie called The Triplettes of Belleville. there's no dialogue, it was made in Canada, it's a french movie, and it's animated. but it's animation is done so well and it exaggerates features. if you wanna watch it, go to my YouTube account (link on right), and there's 8 parts to it. it's a really sweet movie. i totally recommend watching it

i wanna see

PERFUME http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU6YBJOC-P8 THE BLACK DAHLIA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwSTxB-JZlQ MATCHPOINT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaOHi6vHV5U

201

best show ever man. my favorite characters are Eric Murphy (played by Kevin Connolly) and Ari Gold (played by Jeremy Piven).

haha awesome show. you should check it out.

Entourage - left to right:
Kevin Dillon as Johnny "Drama" Chase, Jerry Ferrara as Turtle, Adrien Grenier as Vincent Chase, Kevin Connolly as Eric Murphy "E", and Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold.

january's to do list?

1. Make a resolution

2. Buy flannel sheets

3. Buy a new date book

4. Stock up on stationery

5. Start a nest egg (it means saving money)

6. Make homemade soup

7. Manage your mail

8. Cancel your gym membership (excuse me?!)

9. Get a massage

10. Read your favourite children's book


thanks msn.com, i will get right on that.

can't decide

i can't decide whether i feel like a fag
or a genius.

but my absense of a wisdom tooth is really killing me right about now.

there's only one thing i regret about last entry.
helping people can get you farther in life. but the majority of it lays on your own shoulders.
HA and i am kind of a believer in Karma lol

i'm feeling controversial

i would like to announce to the public, whether you agree or not, that i am brilliant. i honestly think i am brilliant. as a matter of fact, i know i'm brilliant.

for reasons i cannot include, i have included them in a previous unpublished post. so lucky for you, you will never know what just happened to me or what i wrote in a post you will never lay your eyes on. things happened. several things actually. for one, i got a slap in the face that didn't hurt one bit which was probably the best thing ever. for another, i found a purpose for the white string tied around my wrist. for a third, i had an epiphany, just like the many epiphanies i've had before. for a fourth, i'm quite confident in this epiphany.

hmm. i'm feeling quite smug right now i'm not gonna lie. and yes, i do feel quite arrogant and superficial and cocky and selfish. but here's the beauty of it all: i'm happy. sitting right here, right now, i've never been so sure of myself. and yes, i am admitting to my arrogance, my cockiness, whatever else you may call it. but it's awesome. people always try so hard to be selfless and to bend over backwards for everyone else. well what the fuck. who gives a fuck about everyone else sometimes. seriously. it's only you thats gonna take you into this life, not the people you help, unless you're a firm believer in karma and such things as that and also some sort of political leader. which i am not. i am merely a high school student who's an arrogant bitch. i also tend to kiss ass a lot as well.

and fuck am i ever on a roll. you don't even understand. i've never felt so liberated in my whole entire life. i mean, it sucks trying to be someone you're not. and i am just so proud of myself in the way i've been handling situations recently. yes i said it. i am proud of myself. fucking proud at that, too. and yes, that was an arrogant statement. and i realize that. it's about time everyone understood just how arrogant i can be.

and what the fuck, tomorrow morning i may regret this whole thing. tomorrow morning i may think every word i said here is bull shit. tomorrow morning i may laugh at myself or smack my head against the wall. but that's just part of who i am. i say shit one day, and go totally against it the other day. i am a hypocrite. and that's something else i'm not afraid to admit. and who said it was a bad thing?

i think everyone would just be so much better off actually admitting they're flaws. flaws aren't even bad. why has society turned self-righteousness into something so horrible? when did that ever start? the fact that it's so looked down upon makes people hide it. and hiding it just suckas major ass i'm not gonna lie. if it's part of who you are, why should you not admit to it. all i want to see is for one person to be angry at another and call them an arrogant bastard, and for that arrogant bastard to be like "yup". then what? trying to hide it just creates unnecessary baggage. admitting it and brushing it off your shoulder makes it so much easier to deal with.

it's just so liberating. *sigh* you may think i'm going nuts. blame me. i got my wisdom tooth pulled this morning.
i lost some wisdom possibly. i beg to differ however, because i feel wiser than ever. i feel smarter than ever. i feel more brilliant than ever.

and yes, that was three arrogant statements in a row =)

i am also really sorry for the eff-words included. i feel like a major loser for that. but i gotta run free sometimes right?

i only remember these

90's babyy

You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!

You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

You remember when super nintendo's and Sega Genisis became popular.

You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.

You remember those Where's Waldo books..

You remember when Mortal Kombat wuz tha shit! (still is)

You wore tight stretchy flourescent pants to school, with side ponytails.

You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.

You remember Ring Pops.

You remember drinkin' Fruitopia and Surge.

if you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB"

when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)

Making those little paper fortune folding things.. and then predicting your life with them by what you wrote inside.

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs" (still do)

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers,and Ninja Turtles.

You remember when the new Beanie Babies, Furbys and talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

You remember a time before the WB.

You owned a portable tape player. (oh man i begged my mom for one in grade 1)

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said.

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You went to McD's to play in the playplace.

You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.

When we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy...
Before the Internet & text messaging...
Before Sidekicks & iPods...
Before MIKE JONES...
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...
Before Sponge Bob
...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs .
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back.
when it was all about N64. (STILL IS!!!!)
when girl power was around, and you had a favourite spice.
when making out was having sex
when you traded Pokemon cards for a living
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
Who woulda thought we'd miss it so much?

eff that. i've been missing it since 2000.

jaguar paw

ohmygod. so The OC's last episode is airing on February 2nd. ITS BEING CANCELLED. can you believe that?
i might as well shoot myself in the head now.
oh my god. ooooh my god. i need to focus on positive things..

so i just got back from Apocalypto with my brother, his australian friend Alex, and his Jordinian friend Sinan. very awesome movie. forreal. kay, there's this actor in it.. Rudy Youngblood. he's really sexy in this movie i'm not even kidding. wow it was just such a good movie. you gotta check it out. very well done, has subtitles but was still amazing. it's all about the Mayans and stuff. it's really good and wicked and sweet and awesome and cool and just. wowey.

had home-made pizza today at my aunt's place.

watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre at my aunt's. sucky movie with bad acting. pretty much a typical horror movie.

tomorrow morning getting my wisdom tooth pulled. i'm pretty excited because well, it's the only painful thing i actually like.. so far anyways.

if my tooth isn't bothering me too much i'm gonna go snowboarding with my b-ro. should be cool.

TMNT is coming out soooooon OMG teenage mutant ninja turtles man. coming out. IN THEATRES. should be awesome. awwwesome.

and i guess i got into Entourage just at the right time, since The OC is being cancelled. i'll have my new favorite show to look forward to. you guys should check it out. Entourage... it's about an actor and shit. funny and good as hell.

forreal.

give me a gun

she fuckin chewed through my Skull Candy earphones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i'm broke enough as it fuckin is!!!!!!!!!!! omg im gonnna fuckin cry!!!!!!!!!!!!

american history x

"has anything you've done made your life better?"

i am in love with him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0nRpFI4hvc

try again

What would you do? To get to me
What would you say? To have your way
Would you give up? Or try again
If I hesitate To let you in Now would you be yourself
Or play your role Tell all the boys Or keep it low
If I say no Would you turn away?
Or play me off Or would you stay

And if at first you don’t succeed
Then dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again

I’m in to you You into me
But I can’t let it go So easily
Not till I see Whether this could be eternity
Or just a week You know our chemistry Is off the chain
It’s perfect now
But will it change? This ain’t a yes This ain’t a no
Just do your thing We’ll see how it goes

Cause if at first you don’t succeed You can dust it off and try again

my autobiography

Part 1: How I Came To Be
Were you a planned baby?: yeah definitely
Were you the first?: nope second and last
Were your parents married when you were born?: fo sho
Whens your birthday?: January 25, 1990

Part 2: My Family
How would you describe your family?: Dysfunctional haha. in a totally good way
Are your parents married, divorced or separated?: married for 25 years
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: youngest
Did you wish you had any other siblings?: nope. my brother is everything i need. literally
Which parent do you get along with best?: haha definitely my dad. but i need my mom more.
Do you have step parents?: nope

Part 3: The Friends
Do you have more than one best friend?: fo sho
Who is your best friend?: umm i have some in Beverly.. some from dance
Do you share the same interests?: not exactly
Which friend can you tell anything to?: Breanna, although i don't see her much
Whos the shyest friend you have?: ummm.. probably Julie
Whos the funniest friend you have?: probably Lauren or Breanna haha
Who can always make you laugh?: all of them. but Lauren stands out for this particular question

Part 4: Your Personality
How high/low is your self esteem?: depends, but in general, it's high
Do you get depressed about things easily?: not as much as i used to
Are you happy?: i'd like to think so
Do you live life to the fullest?: no. my mother prevents that from happening haha
Do you regret anything?: little things, yes
Are you funny?: in a dumb silly way i suppose
Are you shy?: not as much as i used to be
Are you loud? when am i not loud?

Part 5: Appearance
Are you comfortable with the way you look?: most of the time yeah
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: nope
How do you dress?: i wear clothes. and i love sleeveless hoodies =)
Are you tall or short?: tall
What colour is your hair? naturally dirty blonde
What colour are your eyes?: hazel
Do you wear makeup?: yes...not whole lot though

Part 6: The Past
Were you a strange child?: yes, actually i really was. a trouble maker too
Do you have the same friends?: yeah pretty much, except new friends have been added
Was there anything in your past that changed you from then to now?: umm.. probably travelling. it gave me bigger and better perspective on things.. and also meeting the people of that culture changed me a lot.

Part 7: The Future
What is your ambition?: to be some sort of designer.. and just be be able to find happiness with whatever i'm doing
Do you want to get married?: depends. sometimes yes, sometimes no
Do you want to have kids?: no. they're a pain the ass. but that may change as i grow older lol
How many?: well if i have one, i definitely wanna have a companion for that kid, so two at the most. preferably an older boy and younger girl.
What would you like to name them?: well for a boy i love the name Beniamino (Benjamin in Italian), and for a girl i love the names Penelope and Finley

Part 8: The Outdoors
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: both
What is your favorite season: i love all of them
Favorite weather?: really sunny. or sun showers
Do you like walking in the rain?: definitely

Part 9: Food
Are you a vegetarian?: impossible
What is your favorite food?: pizza and ice cream. chinese food.. italian food. haha lots
What food makes you want to gag?: i haven't come across any so far
What is your favorite dessert?: creme brulee and Tiramisu
What is your favorite restaurant?: i don't eat out enough to have a favourite. but i really like Quizno's
Are you a fussy eater: yeah i think so

Part 10: Relationships and Love
Are you single or taken?: i am taken
If taken who is the lucky boy/girl?: myself =)
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: no
Do you believe in love at first sight?: not at all.

can you pay my automo'bills

good for nothing type of brother Silly me, why haven't I found another A baller, when times get hard he's the one to help me out instead of, a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about

lethal injection

i just watched the hanging of Saddam Hussein on you tube. all i have to say is that i don't think anyone should get hanged no matter what they did. i mean, i thought hanging was something that happened only a long time ago, i thought they didn't do that kind of thing nowadays. it made me sad to watch him standing there as they talked to him and as they covered his neck with the black cloth, and when they put the rope around his neck. i mean, what could possibly be going through your mind at that point in time? walking up to the rope and seeing it go around your head. up to the point where you know in about seconds the floor below you is going to open up and you only have air underneath you and arope holding you up. what could possibly be going through your head at that point? i can't even wrap my mind around that concept. i know i probably wouldn't be thinking of God, or my family. i can't think whether i'd be crying my eyes out or so shocked i wouldn't be feeling any sort of emotion whatsoever. knowing me, i'd probably think of all the bad things in life and have the mind-set that it's really better to die than to live in this world along with all the bad things that i would think up. i know it's a bad way to think, but i'm just saying exactly what i would probably do under those kind of circumstances. i wouldn't be able to think positively. how could you ever think of something positive? you're about to die for fuck sakes. if you think positive, you'll just become even more saddened by the fact that life really is so good and that it would be the worst most awful thing to die then.. especially that way. i don't think he should've been hanged. lethal injection would have been the way to go...

feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace

so it's january 1st hey. and considering i can say that the first five hours of 2007, i was talking to Jordan on MSN, it should be a rather good year. also, the fact that i did have a spoonful of lentils last night is a very positive thing.it's kind of a tradition for my whole family on New Years. after midnight rolls around, my aunt brings down the lentils, and we all have some for good luck and money in the new year. i never had any last year 'cause it looked nasty, but i had some this year. i mean, the way things are going, this year might've been one of the worst definitely. between horrible school marks, getting dumped by one of the coolest guys i've ever met, going through hell trying to get over one of the coolest guys i've ever met, Smokey dying, that April incident, getting caught up in a huge mess for four months with someone who obviously doesn't have the same feelings, realizing that i should leave that mess of four months behind in 2006 and start new for this year, and i guess Italy was good but since i'm trying desperately to be negative here to earn some of your sympathy and prove that this year was in fact awful in more ways than just a few, it would have been better if my brother came along and i didn't have to go just with my mother.
i guess the fact that i am still living and breathing and experiencing no pain neither emotional or physical, i can say that this year just might go fairly well.

but beginnings are a bitch in the way that they always seem to be peachy....