mother thinks i have psychological problems

it's true.

so i have this image of what i want to be. do you ever set this image of yourself as the person you want to be. down to the clothes you wear, the color of your hair, with your priorities set in the way you want them to be, where you're made of self-confidence and everything seems to make sense. the music you listen to, the shows you watch, your attitude towards specific things.

self-improvement.

thinking about how if you could do all these things. to surprise the world and show them exactly how you want to be.

i had italian school this morning. i've realized i really have to make some changes in my life. i do sit here, probably using the time writing about how i can change instead of actually doing it. i'm one of those all talk no walk people. maybe i could change that too. maybe i'll make a list of everything. although i recall making a deal with myself in my other blog that i would not make any lists. that was then. maybe i'll make a list. one, i'll go to church more often without complaining. what good did trashing the bible every do to my life? i really have nothing to lose. it's good to believe in something, maybe it's time to start actually showing it instead of feeling embarrassed by it because everyone is so anti-God nowadays. which i don't really grasp anyways.. teenagers can be so mainstream sometimes. two, listen to good music. last night i finally became familiar with my iPod. as you know, i have around 6000 songs on it. and most of it i didn't really give two shits about. last night, i went through every band that i had not heard of, wrote them down, listened to them, and decided whether or not they cramped my style or not. most did not cramp my style. and that's where i found that i can pretty much force myself to like anything. ...

three, stop trying to be the victim. sometimes i put myself out there knowing perfectly well how vulnerable i make myself. even when i know ahead of time i'm going to be shut down. for real. think about that. isn't that the dumbest thing you ever heard? it's like asking the postman to bring you milk, hoping to God he'd say "yes, of course Christine, i'll bring you milk instead of the mail" back to you. four, going with the flow would be ideal. five, be a closed book. if someone tells you something, you keep it to yourself. not be a human PA system, and screw up badly with everyone's trust.

six, keep some bad habits. but make them desirable. if i don't feel i should get rid of them yet, then i won't. i'll make them the next good habit. get rid of the ones that make your fingers bleed. seven, make my mother smile. eight, take the job my mother offered me. to clean the house for money. fulfills number seven as well.

nine, make friends. not boyfriends. at least for now. "in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to be whole on their own." maybe i should try being whole on my own. ten, cuddle with Baby and Boots more. eleven, stop reading trash books and read those good books Oprah keeps talking about. twelve, make time for reading.. it used to be a favorite of mine. thirteen, fulfill my materialistic needs, and then save everything else.

fourteen, have some bonding time with daddy. maybe ask him to take me for a drive now and then. fifteen, let my brother teach me to snowboard with some confidence. and not get mad at him for spending time with his girlfriend. sixteen, try being sweet instead of bitter.

seventeen, mother's always right.

- i don't know why i'm still afraid, if you weren't real i would make you up.
i wish that i could follow-through, i know that your love is true and deep as the sea.
but right now everything you want is wrong and right now all your dreams are waking up and right now
i wish i could follow you