it hasn't really occurred to me until now, that Andy Warhol is dead. that a genius is no longer living, no longer able to share his magic with the world, and me.

it's truly depressing to think about. someone i idolize so much, cannot give me something new to learn from.

he is definitely a legend, someone who i've learned so much from, even if it was from books. it just really really sucks to finally come to terms with his death. he did some really great things, for me

ever since i was a kid, i always thought in patterns. what happened to one person, would happen to the following person. what happened one day, will happen the next.

for example, my brother must have been 12, i was 8. we went out to Dairy Queen for ice cream and he got sick later that evening. i made a mental note not to eat any Dairy Queen ice cream for the whole year i was twelve years old, because i thought if i did, what happened to my brother, would happen to me.

another example, when i was a kid, i woke up in the middle of the night and i felt sick, the next night it didn't happen, the night after, it happened again and from that night on, i had it engraved in my mind that it was something that only happened every other day. and as the whole "mind over matter" saying goes, that's exactly what ended up happening. i thought things happened in patterns, and that's how come i woke up feeling sick in the middle of every other night.

and i can't help but pick out another pattern, even though i am not a kid, and i have knowledge enough to know that life and what happens in it, is totally in your control and is a result of your own actions. my brother had a sucky high school experience, but he had an awesome awesome university experience. this makes me believe that you cannot have both experiences be positive, so because my high school experience has been quite positive thus far, my university experience is bound to be negative.

is it possible that i can take myself out of this pattern mind-set? i mean, it is possible to have positive experiences in every stage of life if that is how you see it!

i think at this point in time, i should stop writing because i've been thinking a lot today and reading a lot, and feeling different emotions. and i just can't wait until my brother comes home tomorrow. it seems like without him here for the past two months, i've been more down in the dumps than ever. he really is someone who makes me feel so much better about myself, my future, and about life in general.

sometimes i think, that in the future, i will do something totally absolutely completely insane, out of character, out of this world crazy, that it will determine the rest of my life from that moment on.

new living arrangements

i took a whole bunch of quizzes a long long time ago (ones that i never posted in this blog) and i printed the results out on a few pages.

The Aura Color Personality Quiz. Red has come to be associated with extreme emotions like passion and anger. and indeed, people with a red aura often experience love and rage more strongly than others on the aura spectrum. although they do have strong personalities, reds aren't just great balls of fire. they usually find a way to channel their feelings and express them physically. they tend to be extremely grounded in the body and prefer to work with their hands. they get a lot of satisfaction from completing tasks with tangible results-- building sets for a play, moving furniture around a room, or fixing a car, for example. as you can imagine, these down-to-earth types value action over thought or abstract ideas.

july 29, 2007 - 1 am

"a year and a half of feeling the need for closure but then thinking that something more has to happen. it weighs out in both hands and it's like a flag in the wind. it's like stalemate and spending eternity in the trenches, waiting for death or something better to come along and set a new high."

i registered today, my friends called me Cocaine Chic as a result of my bright yellow hair. i'm kind of starting to like it, it definitely gets people's attention. and it's just another odd modification i can add to my hair history. got another full locker, for the third time in my three years of high school. and it's in a pretty busy hallway, increasing my chances of seeing people, which is always good.

i taped my Johnny Bravo pictures in my locker for some artwork additions.

i told Keith about my personal comparisons to Eminem and Lisa Simpson and he has insisted he's going to call me Lisa from now on.

well ya know what, i am actually liking my yellow hair very much and i really hope it doesn't fade too much. i like this rocker crack addict chic look. and i semi-straightened my hair today and it's the length it was in grade ten.. finally!

=)

it has been almost a week since i've written. lots has happened, i'm a couple shades darker, several sit-ups stronger, a few bucks richer and i'm pretty anxious.
been all around Edmonton lately showing around another set of cousins, however these ones are more fun. Cristina is 21 and Roberta is 15. went to Fort Edmonton for the second time this summer. went to the Telus world of science (what is up with that name). was a pretty educational day and i think my brain's in gear for school. after an episode of heart disease on Oprah, solving the brain teasers at the odyssium, and a refreshment of constellations in our night sky, i can accomplish just about anything.

Kevin and Anthony also arrived today and tomorrow i'm going to Whyte Avenue. ooh yeah i bought this brilliant shirt from Quiksilver at west edmonton mall the other day.
i think i've reached total teeny bopper in this entry and i will even more after i say what i have to say next.

i think i have huge issues with dating or something. everytime i am presented with a situation where it may leave me interlocked with a guy, i get totally awkward.. well not awkward, just really really uptight. recently this guy i went to junior high with told me he wanted to take me a date. and i just sort of cringed at the idea. and i don't know why. he's pretty hot and everything, and i think it's cute that we "went out" in grade 5 and we'd be able to find ourself in the same position now. but it's like i have no idea how to react when he calls me babe or hun.. it's an oh my god moment. and not as good as i'd like it to be.

it's been way too long, i guess. i have lost all of my relationship knowledge and experience and returned to grade 3.

then again, i think i would totally go out with him if i thought better of myself. it seems for every decision i have to make, i avoid making it because of where i'm at. i have gained weight in the past year or so and no one seems to let me forget it. family friends and relatives who i don't see on a regular basis have comments on how i've changed and how they don't recognize me and how i used to be so skinny. and i sit there thinking, when was this time when i was so skinny?! i have no recollection of this time whatsoever. i absolutely hate shopping solely because it depresses me. i wear my sweatpants every day, it seems, and i am overflowing my closet with hoodies left right and center. i dress like it's winter.

there are those days that are better, of course, but i guess just like the first day on the job, i have to stick with it and suck it up, and as time progresses, things will get better.

i can't believe i'm letting this put me into a complete social prison

alright, so i got my school schedule. for grade twelve. my final year of High school. my senior year. somehow i am always blessed with an awesome schedule.

Semester one:
1,2 - Social 30 w/ Frank Filice
3,4 - Math 30 P w/ Gaborak
5, 6 - Bio 30 w/ Page

Semester two:
1,2 - English 30 AC w/ Sainchuk
3 - Cosmetology
5,6 - Chemistry 30 w/ Drew

pretty much exactly the same as last year. same courses same semesters. i'm just glad i have Cosmo in second semester, so i have an easy course where i can just go and talk to people.. it'll be an awesome senior year.

and my mom will surely 100% kick my ass if i don't get honours. i have no excuse with all my spares..

a little really does go a long way. it has been too long and it's never seemed so simple.. so easy.

i have started doing sit-ups again, and for some reason it feels so much easier than it used to be. i did 200 this morning, i just did 200 hundred and i feel like i could do 400 more. and i think i'll do just that.

my lower abs are the only problem. i thought i lost all hope until i started doing them a few days ago and my upper abs seemed to need just a stretch... they look amazing.

i think that's all the motivation i needed all along, something to let me know i can get out of the dumps. and this tan helps out, as well

cafe personalities

i have two favorite customers so far. there's this one east indian guy who always comes in, he calls Second Cup his best friend. basically, i think he's a hustler. he gives us huge tips, he's a student, has a motorcycle, always on his cell phone, and he is always in and out of that place meeting people left right and center. although this may or may not be true, he is hilarious and he always likes the drinks i recommend.. and the extra tip money isn't so bad either.

and then there's this really cute mid-twenty guy. very clean cut, has a boyish charm, adorable smile. it's hard not to make his vanilla bean latte's without so much love. he cracks some jokes, i make him laugh occassionally... he always comes in to read. and apparently he is Jahova's Witness. Jaime said all Jahova's Witness' are attractive.. that's how they lure people in. well he's definitely lured me in. i love when he comes in, even if we only talk for those few minutes and it made me so happy when he stayed right until closing tonight. soo cute.

i watched The Hills after work today, it was quite dramatic. and i can't wait to see Jason on the show, i love him!! i've always wanted him to be in Lauren's life again.. just because i think he's like, THE ONE for her. if not for her, then for me =)

and i hate Heidi. i have hated her since day one of The Hills when Lauren almost got fired because Heidi barged in on her hollywood party. grrr

i bought my very first purchases from West 49 today. a hoodie and a knapsack YAY

i was always told that people who watch a lot of television are prone to depression. i now know why.
after watching the second episode of West Beverly's Class of 1993 graduation, i realized i myself am graduating this year, and this makes me very very depressed.

i want what they have, you know? that close group of friends.. the group of friends that you know, without even asking, are going to be sharing a limo with you. i got Breanne i know that for sure.

i remember before high school even began, my friend Samantha who was a senior the year i was in grade ten. she told me a story of how she had a friend in grade ten who she met just because they sat right next to each other in class and they became like best friends. and that's what Breanne kind of is to me. i don't really talk about her a lot because we've known each other for barely a year, but i can honestly say she's my best friend at this point in time. it's true, i began high school knowing i had Leigha at my side to conquer it with me, but after a year our friendship kind of fell apart on my account. i think the trouble with us was that we were with each other since we were 3 years old, we always grew up at dance together, and after the first year of high school took a toll on us, it also took a toll on our friendship. as we started growing into the people we're supposed to be (partly influenced by high school), we, well I, realized i wasn't enjoying my time around this person as much as i used to. there's always those hundreds maybe even thousands of pictures of memories together that i will never forget, but it's like that saying, it's not the pictures that change, it's the people in the pictures that do.

i feel like i'm the only person that realized it out of the two of us. i changed and so did she, and i constantly felt it was a struggle to enjoy myself. i know i'll always have a spot there for her in my heart, but it'll never be the way it used to.

Breanne's my partner in crime, it's a totally different friendship than i've ever had. it's not like my past ones where i tended to over-analyze them.. if something she does seems sketchy, i don't really question it like i used to do. another difference i find is that we don't need to see each other all the time in order to keep our friendship in tact. i only have one other friendship that's capable of doing that, and that is with my best friend Breanna who goes to AOB, and we only really see each other a few times a year.

i am so off track.


grade ten was all about getting to know people, falling in love and getting over a horrible break-up. grade eleven was about re-establishing myself. maybe those two years is all i need to really get going

my mom said that on Montel there was this lady who got fired from her job because of her employers found her online journal and facebook.
nice hey.

what i do today will come back in the future, my mom said. maybe so. which made me think. what if this journal and all these online things will come back when i'm older and prevent me from doing what i really want to do. it's enough to consider stopping this writing madness. or go private. i've considered making this private before.. just so i could write whatever i feel. i didn't think people actually read this until i said some controversial things here and there and got angry comments and such, and it was then i realized people actually read this.

it's like those adertisements everywhere that say "caught you looking" and at the end of the day, you feel like you've been sucked into looking at every single one of those advertisements, when you really looked at a reasonable average number of advertisements, but it seems like you've been sucked into the media because they tell you that you've been "caught looking".

i don't know what relevance that had to anything.

i mean, i can't keep writing in this forever, right? sometimes i think i'll end up with 15 000 entries, and talking about my children at my ripe age of 17.

i always thought 17 was the best year ever. you're not 16, which is sometimes perceived as a sweet year, 18 you're an adult, but 17 is the coolest year to be a teenager. yes you can go to bars when you're 18, but when i was a kid i always wanted to be 17 because i thought it was pretty darn cool to be 17 years old.

though i still have 170 days to enjoy being 17, it never feels like you always imagined.

i have always been a huge fan of pop art, but never of pop in general. if it had nothing to do with Andy or Roy, i didn't really have much interest.

i'm infatuated with this new look, attitude and color of things. it's a very pop type of look. i am no longer an indie-lover, although it is enjoyable once in awhile.


i just wrote a whole paragraph trying to explain myself. and deleted it. i'm not sure i really care if i have to establish anything in this blog regarding this outlook...

it's mine and i love it

i will admit to you with a pleasant smile on my face that i am money hungry. what i do with the money i get i like to save. which is totally not like me. every pay check i get, i am very unwilling to spend on clothes.
see, i am in this rut, where i will do anything to avoid buying clothing. shopping is not fun for me, whatsoever, simply because i will put my life (and spending habits) on hold until i lose some very unnecessary weight. i am sure that if i was ten or more pounds lighter, i would be a broke frantic shopping mess.

i like saving my money as a result of steering away from shopping malls, and dreaded clothing stores... but i really miss being a broke frantic shopping mess =(

so my boss finally sent me the Second Cup Module.

i have to say, i'm really learning lots about creating "cafe moments"....

i thought you'd be interested in seeing what i've been doing in my spare time these past few days...

just click on "my photography" over there. i think you'd like it

hello hello.

my parents have always told me to not be afraid to ask questions. and i've always been the kind of person to not ask questions because i'd rather keep a low profile. at work there's some people that talk to me like i'm mentally retarded and it really gets me down. like, i ask questions because i don't wanna screw up, you know? and then they talk down to me like i'm 5. and when i don't ask questions and do it wrong they do the exact same thing.
i wasn't born with the knowledge on how to work at a coffee place OK?!?! but i can't win either way. my parents told me not to take it personally. and then there's me who just worries my socks off for almost everything. at the end of the day, i'm only a high school student trying to make some money on the side. this job is definitely not my first priority even though it feels like it sometimes. if i get fired for doing something wrong, there's always other part-time jobs out there.

gawd, i have to stop giving myself pep talks for the lamest shit

so they voted Nick off of Big Brother 8. even though his motives were questionable at times, i really liked the guy, and not only for his looks either.

for now, Amber is pissing me off because i don't think i've ever seen her not cry. and it's getting to be a little annoying, overdone, dramatic, unnecessary, etc. i don't mind Dustin, Danielle, and Jessica, but my favorite players are Eric and Dick.