could it be

this is something i would give my cell phone AND computer to go see:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6VG_dMoPc

favorite musicians

Chris Martin - angelic blue eyes, soothing voice. his melodies make you reminisce of times you've never even experienced. Jack White - a guitar God who breaks the rules. nuff said Liam Gallagher - arrogant rock star from Oasis. sexiest voice i have ever heard in my life i'll tell you that much. Noel Gallagher - love him just as much as i love his brother.

put off for too long

when you think about certain situations, do you often jump to conclusions ? i've come to believe that when people suspect a certain circumstance, it's because that's how they themselves would have probably acted if it was them in that situation. for example, ok so i'm going to make up a scenario off the top of my head, and to make it clearer for you, i will insert names of people i don't even know personally. alright, so let's say Christina Aguilera and Cameron Diaz are best friends. Justin Timberlake takes Christina Aguilera to a hockey game, so of course, Cameron Diaz may start suspecting things. BUT ONLY because if it was Cameron Diaz going to the hockey game with Wade Robson, she wouldn't help but flirt a little here and there and maybe be a teensy weensy attracted. so therefore, Cameron is led to believe that because what she would do in that situation is unfaithful, so would anyone else. because, let's face it, Cameron Diaz and all other humans with thinking capabilites like to believe everyone thinks and acts the same as them. it's just human nature. WHEN REALLY, everyone thinks and acts differently from everyone else, although Cameron Diaz would like to think otherwise, simply because she has been done wrong in the past.. and maybe because she's probably a little bit insecure about herself and doesn't trust as freely as she would like (which could be good or bad.. depending on how badly it affects her relationships.. which is probably a lot, making it a negative trait), making her feel unworthy of anyone's affection or attention. if you got lost there, read that sentence without the parentheses there (thats what i do haha). anyways, i'm just saying that people jump to conclusions simply because that's probably what would have happened if they were in the situation. well, it's like that for Cameron Diaz, at least. and this story has no similarities to my own real life and experiences (except the moral of course), and Cameron Diaz does not in any way replace myself in this little parable. .... i've just been putting this theory off into the back of the depths of my mind for too long, and i just thought i would come out with it. =)

and just to finish the story on a good note, Cameron Diaz and Christina Aguilera continued having a loving, blossoming friendship

ps. don't go assuming.. because i rarely discuss my personal life in this journal.

cycle 8

Definitely my favorite. she may sound like a stoner, but that's ok, because i can relate with her. too bad i'm not half African American. i can't even believe that. she is most definitely very beautiful though. Kathleen definitely made me laugh. she's so clueless.. i guess i could relate to her as well.

anyways, today i went to Fresh Start and after that, i went to Music World by myself and looked at some CDs, and then i sat on a bench outside Future Shop and sat there for about twenty minutes and i had a moment. i was listening to Land of the Loops (love them), i had my jacket all zipped up, my glasses on and the headache that comes with wearing my glasses, i had my binder on my lap and my bag on my shoulder. and i was sitting there by myself looking at the long haired fellow by the door, with what looked like a guitar case on his back, and he most definitely had greasy hair and he looked at me once in awhile. i never maintained eye contact, of course.. i mean, it's Northgate, it's like asking to be raped or mugged or something (although it really isn't as bad as Abbotsfield..) but then i maintained eye contact and then, maybe it was the music that put me in the zone, but i actually kind of gave him a smile. and then i looked back ahead of me and stared at the "Directory" sign. and i just had a moment. and what i mean by "the moment" is when you actually realize what you're doing. i was in Northgate mall by myself listening to Land of the Loops, basking in the very white lights that almost make you dreary and drowsy, but also very much awake. people were coming in and i thought about how maybe they actually work there, and how it must feel to work at a place like Northgate, which brought me back to a guy i know who actually used to work at Northgate. of course, i thought of a whole bunch of other things.. too much to go into detail about. it's dumb how many thoughts i think about in one day. not even that.. more like in the 5 seconds upon entering a mall. or anywhere for that matter.

i don't know why whenever i type on my mom's computer, there always ends up being this huge amount of space right at the end

w.r.

in the next month, Christina Aguilera's four back up dancers are coming to my dance studio. i kind of want to take the class. i'm not really into that stuff, but i know it would be fun, especially with all my friends there. but i was doubting it. so i asked my mom about it, and she pretty much confirmed it. she said i haven't taken hip hop in awhile. which is true. so now i'm thinking i shouldn't do it. i wish i could move like Wade Robson.

sometimes i wish i was him

snot

man, i don't even feel like writing anymore. wait, it's not even that. it's like a combination of my super sucky, super slow computer that takes LITERALLY HONESTY TRUTHFULLY five minutes to open a window. so i'm on my mom's computer. so i've got to make this quick. well, actually not really. i don't think my mom really cares i'm on the computer. it's always complicated having to check 5 different websites when i go on the computer. i have to check myspace, deviantart, facebook, my blog to see if anyone wrote anything new, and nexopia and hotmail. it's insanity. but i love insanity so i guess it all just works out =) today i got home at like 5:30 pm. i didn't even stay for the semi-finals that Amanda wanted me to go to. i made myself a sandwich. and ate some of it. and then i laid down on my bed and fell asleep until 8:30 pm. so i just went to Entourage on myspace and apparently it starts again on April 8th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you don't know how happy this makes me, especially with this tragic ordeal with the death of The OC and all. and Jordan knows how much i love that show. i even ditched our conversations to watch all the seasons. speaking of him, he came to my school today. i really want a new computer. i think that's what i want most. one with lots and lots and lots of memory so i can install all the programs that make me happy. i just watched Bones on youtube by the Killers. Tim Burton directed it. Brandon Flowers is kind of attractive. not so much now, but he definitely is in the Somebody Told Me video. why do i even write. 'ts not like anyone really cares lol

a.w.

the similarities are there.
it's what she's been getting mad at me for. and what everyone's been saying.

too bad he's dead.

boats on water but terrifying

when you're so lonely lying in bed, night's closed its eyes but you can't rest your head, everyone's sleeping all through the house, you wish you could dream but forgot to somehow,
sing this lullaby to yourself.

i had a weird dream last night. it was at my friends cabin, but kind of not, because the whole situation was different. it was a dark sort of dream. involving my worst fear, water. every year, we would go on this boat thingy in the middle of the ocean, it seemed, and we'd go through like an obstacle course kind of. and by the time we got to the end of it, a certain amount of us would be dead. so we'd start off with like 10 of us or so, and we'd be on the water, and it was night time and the boat would move uncontrollably with the slightest bit of wind. we'd start off nicely, and then there was this one part where everyone always fell off no matter what, and it happened every year, and they drowned. i was terrified, but i always made it to the end. all the time. and the boat would go up this waterfall at the end (yes, it would defy gravity), and then there was this fish tank thing, it was on the wall at the top of the waterfall, and there would be some sort of prize in the fish tank, and it would somehow just come out of the fish tank. i don't know. i have weird dreams.
i have a lot of dreams with boats and water in them though. and they're always terrifying, and people are always panicking. just thinking about my dreams right now, brings back a lot of really odd ones, where i was travelling underwater with some people to make it to some island or something. and there was this other one, where this ship was sinking and the boats around it were sinking too and it was just a complete riot.

i wonder what that means. boats on water, but the mood is really dark and panicky. i always wonder if dreams actually mean something, or if they're just everyday thoughts jumbled together to make really odd scenarios.

as lucky, as easy, or free

- - did it all get real, i guess it's real enough they got refrigerators full of blood another century spent pointing guns at anything that moves sometimes i worry that i've lost the plot my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts i never really dreamed of heaven much until we put him in the ground but it's all i'm doing now listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea but once the satellite's deceased it blows like garbage through the streets of the night sky to infinity but don't you weep there is nothing as lucky as easy, or free don't be a criminal in this police state you better shop and eat and procreate you got vacation days then you might escape to a condo on the coast i set my watch to the atomic clock i hear the crowd count down 'til the bomb gets dropped i always figured that there'd be time enough i never let it get me down but i can't help it now looking for faces in the clouds i got some friends i barely see but we're all planning to meet we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves all together for eternity but don't you weep there is no one as lucky, as easy, or free

always remembered means never forgotten

sitting under the blanket, sitting on the bed by myself, sitting in my my brother's room under the blanket with myself and the screen and the people i've been watching since August 4, 2003. i've never felt so involved in a television show in my life. like i was there with them through everything that's ever happened to them. i cried into the blanket and i didn't want to cry for a show, but i did. and my bottom lip quivered. i couldn't help myself. it ended happy, it did, but i can't believe it's over.. over for good. there's no more Thursday nights watching The OC anymore.




damn.

today in the early morning

Aquarius February 24, 2007 You could be a bit possessive or jealous where a romantic interest is concerned right now, and this could lead to some friction. You might be feeling a little too uptight or defensive, particularly where money is concerned, to really be able to have a good time and enjoy yourself today. You might feel more like just relaxing somewhere quiet right now anyway.

blue fingers

the chemistry test went pretty well. i came home after the orthodontist and lived on my brother's bed. i must have watched at least eight hours of television. a mixture of Made, MySuper Sweet 16, Dancelife (love it lots), What Not To Wear, i even watched MTV Shuffle.. not a bad show i must say. my mom brought me down a sandwich with ham and cheese and pesto. i took out the ham though. and then i got a glass of milk. and watched some more television. then few hours went by and i brought down a big carton of blueberries and "pigged out" on those. boy do i ever feel fat.... lol Baby joined first. she fell asleep between my legs and was dreaming. and then Boots joined and fell asleep beside me. i watched 21 grams. and cried. and was confused. but then i understood. and cried some more. and it was just so touching that i got out from under my blanket and came upstairs to write about it while the thoughts and feelings were fresh in my mind. it was a good movie. i gave it a 5. i consumed four tylenol today for my stomach cramps.. nothing serious. i'm not trying to OD here. i had two bottles of water, and used two heating pads. all while living on my brothers bed with blue fingers from frozen blueberries. i'm going to sleep on my brothers bed with my hood on like i do every night. right after i talk to a certain someone for a while. "How many lives do we live? How many times do we die? They say we all lose 21 grams... at the exact moment of our death. Everyone. And how much fits into 21 grams? How much is lost? When do we lose 21 grams? How much goes with them? How much is gained? How much is gained? Twenty-one grams. The weight of a stack of five nickels. The weight of a hummingbird. A chocolate bar. How much did 21 grams weigh? "

high speed

"Can anybody fly this thing? Before my head explodes, Or my head starts to ring. We've been living life inside a bubble. Confidence in you, Is confidence in me, Is confidence in high speed."

today i went to school. was pretty good. until i had chemistry and totally and completely blanked out on my test. we took like 20 minutes of the class just going over stuff before, leaving us 40 minutes. it took me 30 minutes just to do the written because i kept screwing up and having to erase and re start, and then i had ten minutes to do 25 multiple choice. IT WAS SO SCREWY. but i can't help but feel like i might have done rather well. which is weird. i think i may be too positive for my own good sometimes.

after school, i sat in the Student's Union room for an hour with Stephanie and Nikolina while they did their physics and we waited until 4 o'clock rolled around. we walked to Northgate to get our courses at FreshStart. i got my three religion workbooks and my three religion "textbooks", so six in total.

next week i start my driver's training. Friday and Saturday from 9 am until 4 pm.

i feel like i'm finally getting things done. i don't feel like i have a big cloud over my head pouring all these things i need to get done. i'm finally doing something about them.

i told myself today that i have to work out at school at least twice a week, and every other day i can work out at home (when i feel like i have time). i won't play nintendo unless i'm feeling completely stressed out, or i seriously have nothing better to do (which won't be the case until i finish religion 35). and at least once a week i will spend my lunch hour without friends and in the library finishing religion. i have to go to FreshStart every Wednesday too at 4, so they can check up on me. so me and Nikolina could probably spend that hour of waiting doing this stupid religion.

i feel like i'm going at high speed. and i kinda like it.

ps. sorry about my boring blog entries and the length. i realize everything i do in a day isn't all that appealing.

getting better

so i've been working hard. it has been one day. i wish you could be super healthy one day and times it by 3 months. and see what you'd look like if you did that every single day. hmmph. had school. i would like to highlight English class. so she pretty much assigns us a mind map (includes drawing) due for Friday, which gives me uhhh 3 days. and it involves drawing. UM EXCUSE ME if i wanted to draw i would have taken art, ok? second of all, i have a chemistry quiz tomorrow, a chemistry final exam part A the day after AND a chemistry final exam part B the day after the day after. this week just sucks. MAJORLY.
so for once i actually looked forward to working out after school. Leigha couldn't go and i was about to not go, but i figured if i keep backing out of it i'll never do it. so i went, and luckily for me Amanda happened to be there too. we had a lot of fun working out actually. time went by really fast. we were in there for like an hour.
then i went home, had one grilled cheese sandwich and a banana for supper, and two bowls of salad. and then later on i had a yogurt.
and then i put my face mask on, then my brother left for Heather's house. 'cause tomorrow morning he's going to Toronto until Sunday. damn. it's gonna be so lonely this weekend. i'll be in his room watching movies and playing video games, and there's going to be no one there.
there's so much on my mind right now i just have to write it down so i know i won't forget it.
- go to doctor on Saturday
- go to Orthodontist on Friday
- go to Fresh Start tomorrow
- work out work out work out
- call AMA, or sign up for the driver's ed at beginning of March
- go tanning at some point
- NO EATING AFTER 7 PM
- drink more water
- wear retainers at night
- write an i love you note for my 'rents and put it under their pillow before bed
- do homework and study and DO GOOD
-

ok good. thats all thats on my mind right now. now i can go talk about whatever i want.
i took a bath and i could hear my mom talking on the phone. i like to stick half my head under the water and turn my head slightly to the right and left until my ears are fully popped. and i like to just sit there with my ears underwater hearing nothing. and then i got up and i was happy my mom was on the phone. she never used to talk on the phone a lot. but her best friend was diagnosed with cancer in September, so they talk on the phone all the time. and sometimes i hear what she talks about and its cool to see my mom being a best friend to someone. i dunno, it's weird cool. anyways, i heard her talk about my uncle and how he's coming this summer. she was talking about their kids (my cousins) and how they're really strict with them, especially Lodovico and he's only like 6 years old. this kid is just crazy, he can't be contained. HE DROVE ME NUTS. he's the reason i'm never having kids (i don't think). anyways, my uncle gets mad at him for everything, when he should cut him some slack and let him put his elbows on the table once in a while. and that made me think, what if they're parenting techniques are so completely wrong. and then i thought, what if my parents didn't raise me properly. i was in Psychology and we were talking about how kids are important because they're like sponges, soaking up everything. and that made me wonder.. i mean, what if my parents did one thing wrong in raising me.. that could ruin my whole life if they made a simple mistake when i was a kid.
thats part of the reason why i don't think i'll ever be able to handle kids. i'd be so uptight with everything i do, just so i won't screw up.

and then i thought, well wouldn't it be just as bad if everything went perfectly ? i mean, isn't it better to have some mistakes rather than everything be completely perfect ?

hmm i don't know.

all my flaws

i changed for dance. and realized all my flaws.
i put my hair up. and realized all my flaws.
i put my make up on. and realized all my flaws.
i sit here feeling absolutely disgusting.
and unmotivated.
i don't think i've ever felt so unworthy of anyone's attention.

this fucking sucks. and i wish it didn't.

i wrote two pages
and i'm not even finished yet.

3 in the lovely morning

so i had a long day and night of Diddy Kong Racing, talking to myself in victory and frustration,
and my back really hurts right now.

me and Daniel also watched MuchPunch, MuchVibe and all the sorts,
talk about repetitiveness. saw the same videos a lot. but it was fun.
so when i got sick of that, i'd turn on the nintendo and continue my game.

i got really angry though, because earlier today i got farther, and then i left it for a bit and when i got back my brother beat my favorite part. the snow races like Walrus Cove and all that. so i got really mad at him, so much so that i erased my file and started over again just so i'd be able to do those races myself. i was about to cry cuz i had to do everything all over again.

lol
and it didn't help that my brother was like "oh what a tragedy, you have to play video games." and then he left, and came back and i got mad again and he was like "are you going to bring it up every time i come down here?" and i said "yes. im angry" and he said "oh, i can see the pain your enduring. how tragic"

and then i told him to shut up a few times, and then i'd be focusing and then he'd get up from his laptop and start dancing to the songs on the game and i'd be laughing but trying to be mad at the same time.

he just does that to me. i'll be angry and he'll do the stupidest shit you'll ever see, and i start laughing but yelling at him that i'm mad.. and it just doesn't work too well, as you can see.

hmmph. i miss Jordan.

plain and simple

Europe or Work ?
my mother doesn't want me to go to Europe this summer with my brother. she said she wanted me to get a job and stay here. i love how she just makes my life so much more complicated than it really has to be. everything in my life has such bad timing. i really want a job, like so bad, but my mom won't let me have one now. i really want to go to Europe, i've been wanting to go back ever since i came home from Italy last summer. i'll make a pro's list:
EUROPE
- i get to spend time with my brother
- i get to visit even more places
- i get to see family
- i get to leave this country for a while
- it's Europe, i love the culture
- i'll be able to visit famous places.. and the art OHMYGOD

CANADA
- i can get a job
- i can make money
- i can see friends
- i can practice driving
- i can go on a small trip somewhere
- i could spend time with Jordan

but holy fuck, it's actually retarded. last summer i didn't even want to go to Italy because it was with my mom, i even told her to cancel my flight . there was no way i could handle being with my mom for one month day in and day out. now that i have a chance to go be without my parents for a while, she says i can't go, which means i'll be here every single day and i'll have to deal with her day in and day out. I JUST CAN'T GET AWAY CAN I? it actually makes me so angry. at least in Italy i could go party til all hours of the night because i could walk home whenever i wanted. here, i won't be able to do ANYTHING because she doesn't stay up late to pick me up.
then i thought, i could get a job at a place i really love. maybe i could even go work on Whyte Ave, and bus it there or whatever, and after work i could hang out there and stuff, and then bus it back home. i just don't want to be home this summer. i mean, two summer ago when i didn't go to Italy, i played The Sims like EVERYDAY. everyone was gone and i spent hours and hours on the sims.. like 8 hours in a row sometimes. i don't want to do that. and i can see it happening again. well, besides the whole job aspect of it.
or maybe i could work at west ed (ew) and i could chill with Jamie and stuff. and we could party all the time too.

i just want my mom to understand that if i don't go to Italy because of what she wants, she better let me have a fucking wicked summer. and then in August Jordan's getting his license.. we'd be able to do a lot more.

UGHHHHHHHHH. this is just a huge bowl of suckiness. plain and simple.

cheeseball? i think so..

you want to be with that person so bad. you picture it in your mind's eye so vividly and so clear but your eyes are still open and aware of what's going on and all you can think about if putting your hands on each side of their face to pull them closer to you. and as you do this, you feel their warm lips on yours, and you feel their hands slowly wrap around your waist, and their hands become their arms and you're overwhelmed with the feeling of being held close. and as your lips touch, caress, cuddle, you move your hands from their face to their chest and you place them nicely there, one hand on each side. some precious time passes and you decide to run your hands through his hair, and you pull away from time to time to look at their green eyes and to tease them a little bit, to get them back for all the times they've teased you.
you watch him yawn as he is tired and he brings his hands up to his face and you think to yourself how perfect they look, and how much more perfect they would look on you. and you miss the closeness. you try putting in words how you're feeling. which body part within your core is experiencing this feeling. your stomach, your heart, and then you think of biology and you try pinpointing it to your renal artery, maybe your kidney or pelvic bone, maybe your liver or pancreas.. possibly your small or large intestine and there's the slight chance that it's the gall bladder.
anyways, one of the above organs is experiencing this wonderful feeling, almost like a cringe or tension, some call them butterflies. and then you talk about smores and campfires, and he smiles and it's one of your favorite things because he has those innocent caring eyes, and those dimples. and it instantly brings a smile to your face.
and you become sad and depressed
because you know it would be one google times better in real life.
hmmmmph.

i was feeling emotional. i haven't written anything useful for awhile so leave me alone

neurobiological approach

this morning was pretty shitty. i got ready for italian school in 30 minutes, and as i was about to leave i noticed my subwoofer was missing for my speakers. so i was like "hmmm i wonder where they are" so i go to my brother's room and there they are nicely hooked up to Heather's laptop and i was like steaming from the ears. it took my forever to hook up my speakers in the position they were, and the chords were duct taped to the bottom of my desk so they weren't all over the place, and he must have screwed around with that and it makes me angry.
then i go to italian school and stare at the clock turn to 10:30 and think of the thousands of people in Edmonton calling ticketmaster slowly reserving seats and more seats for The Killers, and how gay it is that me and Will couldn't get tickets.
then i go to ballet, and Lauren turns to me and goes "guess who's got floor seats for The Killers???" and i just stared her down. i don't think i ever experienced such jealousy in my whole life. the chemicals in my brain were definitely unbalanced (learned that in psychology under the neurobiological approach HAHA) so i was pretty down. it was a pretty crappy morning. considering i got like five hours of sleep the night before.
i got home after dance, and went onto the ticketmaster website
and searched for tickets every few minutes. nothing ever came up. then i realized i wasn't doing it right. so i did it right and i got TWO TICKETS. so then my day was all good. and i watched The Lakehouse too. which i will talk about at another time..

and now it seems i've switched places with Jordan. and i don't feel so good anymore..