me tired ridiculously.

saturday night i went to the club, and didn't sleep until 3 in the morning, then had to wake up early to work 9-5 and even with all the drowsiness laying on me, i still couldn't fall asleep until 2 last night

making for a really grumpy christine today.

last night was awful.. i was laying in the most comfortable positions and but my mind was restless. almost like it was on speed, and then coming down from the best high ever, i felt like bubblegum on the bottom of my shoe with the random hair stuck in it.

gross.

i even cried a little whilst talking to God. everything always seems like the end of the world until the sun rises again and i feel like an idiot for even stressing.
basically, i had a 20 minute text conversation with Cameron.
followed by me telling my brother i can't sleep, who was only in the basement.
him and Heather had just gotten to sleep, so i couldn't hang out with them or anything.
i wrote to him that university, my chem test, Vitto, and this summer are what i keep thinking about.

he gave me great advice: he told me to write in my journal, or put on some tea and listen to some bob. he said we'd talk tomorrow.

normally, i would have done just that.

instead, i watched Friends on my iPod and it put me right where it's good. to sleep.

we went to Globe last night to celebrate Breanne's last weekend as a minor ha.

was lots of fun
i may elaborate another day because i just don't think it's important to talk about every pub/club experience i have.

anyways, work today was fucked beyond belief and i was running on little sleep.
and mother will kick my sorry ass if i don't get minimum 80 on my chem final on tuesday.

peace

allo allo

i don't have a purpose of writing right now
i just feel like writing.

i have been ridiculously addicted to Oasis this past week. i don't know what it is, they make me go nuts. i will never stop loving them.

lots of people came into work today. i think i gave away about 6 free drinks man. it was crazy.

saw this guy i haven't seen since grade 9, that was weird. i used to really like him on and off. he's not really my type of guy anymore. but then again, i don't know how he has changed, and i don't really have a type.

Cameron stopped by too.. he's gotten a lot more attractive. i'm pretty sure i told him that on facebook a few months ago too. and he was with Brett. that's a guy i do not understand at all. like, it seems when he comes to second cup he's really nice to me and shit, and i remember he sat by me on the bus once and we had a lovely conversation and then he doesn't even acknowledge my existance at school. it's the weirdest thing. that's what i mean by shady people. and i hate shady people.

oh yeah
so the other day i gave him a phone call. and i was prepared to say what i had to say to be straightforward with him, i even had important points written down so i wouldn't blank out.

and after all that nervosity and preparation, i had a 4 minute conversation with him. 50% was me talking, 25% was him mumbling, and the other 25% was me asking to repeat his uncomprehendable mumbling.

it was painful. i felt as though i was talking to a grade A retard.
and then i called Breanne. and we talked for so long. so so long. and we had a very important and meaningful conversation.
it makes me so incredibly happy to finally have a best friend that i actually like talking to on the phone. i never had a best friend who i texted or talked to ask much as i do with Breanne. it's wickedly cool.

and this weekend Pablo will be giving me a call. and that is one phone call i am really looking forward to.

the television is calling me..

so today went something like this... i woke up at 10 and got myself ready i walked outside with Coldplay in my ears and i set up my chair in the snow. the snow was too deep so i went back inside and waited for my brother to help me he was eating breakfast and i told him the weird dream i had last night: it was a competition in big brother, and they were working together in their couples as usual for one of the competitions they were given a marijuana plant and they had to roll as many joints as they could and they had to smoke half each there were other parts to the competition, so this stage of the competition was to fuck them up so bad that it would be difficult to complete the other tasks. my brother laughed at me and said i watch big brother too much and i smoke too much weed. and then i went back outside and finished some of my chair photoshoot for my portfolio. and then i came inside later and worked on my Zenism free press ad that will also be going into my porty. it looks wicked cool.

just sitting here downloading some songs that i have been meaning to download for some long while... fugees.. the roots.... tony bennett.. Once soundtrack...

hmmm
i think it's probably one of the most frustrating things when you want to download songs and they just won't download.

right now i have a big cloud of anxiety floating above my head simply because i have a mental script of what i have to tell him on the phone tonight.

i am going to be straight-forward with him because he probably thinks i'm just an 18-year-old he can just brush off.

well that is most definitely not the case! i am completely serious about this situation and i am going to tell him that if he wants to be friends, he's going to have to make a conscious effort to do so. and if he's just saying that to be friendly, he can spare me, because i've heard it all before and i just want to know the truth and if it means he doesn't even want to be friends, so be it.

i hate having to wait around for my feelings. i hate having to put them on hold until we have a chance to "talk" or "discuss" because i either want to continue something, or let it go. and having to wait and wait with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn't help me get unattached to you.

BAH guys can be ridiculous sometimes. he told me that he might be going to Red Deer this weekend to see his ex-girlfriend. i asked if they were dating again. he said no and that its complicated.

and then i got angry. i mean, if you truly love somebody, things don't have to be complicated! i told him straight up that his situation doesn't have to be complicated. it's not like anyone's dying here! unless she's confused about her sexuality or something. but i highly doubt she's a bisexual or lesbian.

and even if it means me and him aren't together, i'd rather have him be with someone he loves. but for fuck sakes, stop making things more complicated than necessary! long distances shouldn't matter when it comes to love. actually, nothing matters when it comes to love.

and i just need to tell him that. and make him decide.

now that i have that off my chest (well not completely until i actually tell him this), i can enjoy this music. i just need to jot down important points on a piece of paper before going on the phone.

on another note, i have a soulmate. his name is Pablo. and he is my best friend.

as for my legality, i will be putting it into use very soon because for a couple years now i have been saying that i won't get tattooed because i change my mind so much and i would get tired of it fast.
but i have found the perfect tattoo for this syndrome! it's a brushstroke circle. the zen symbol for infinite. representing the perfect meditative state and enlightenment. i even told my brother about it. i can't wait. but i am still unsure when i am planning on getting it done...

and it's totally me!

i am having a blast.

despite my rise and fall in the past month in terms of falling for someone, i am having so much fun.
i am finally becoming confident with what i want to do in my future and it's all coming together.

i hope i can get my portfolio done in time because i would be the happiest person on Earth. but then again, even if i don't get my portfolio done, i'll be able to take a class at the U to get it done.

and tomorrow i am going to give Vitto an important phone call.

good day.

Monday, Feb 25, 2008
You could be starting to feel a lot tougher and smarter today. And this ought to give you just a taste of all the growth and opportunity that you're likely to be experiencing very soon. So just try to stop worrying about everything and leave the past behind. It's time to get ready for all the new opportunities that could soon be headed your way.

Your days of being taken advantage of may be fading. You’ll probably want to feel respected and appreciated right now, and you may no longer be willing to just sit by and let others take the credit for all your efforts.

i've finallly brought myself to the University of Alberta website to look at what else i could be doing with myself besides Design.

i have come up with the following things in the faculty of arts:
-Film Studies - Creative Writing - Philosophy - Art & Design - Religious Studies-

today i discovered Billeting. living with a family in a different city to go to school. i am considering this because i really want to go to Calgary. it's really a scary thought... living under someone else's roof and following their rules.. and to add to that, i'll be in a new city where i know nobody.

but then i recall the feeling i got when i watched the Academy Awards last night. the highlight, i think, was when they pulled Markéta Irglová back onto stage so she could say her acceptance speech for the award won for Once (amazing movie and soundtrack, by the way).

there is no way to say this in an un-cheesy fashion, but i felt as if she was speaking directly to me. from the Kodak Theater through the television and into my living room, she was looking me straight in the eyes and talking to me. i'll even admit to the tears which began to well up in my eyes.

"the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, is just to prove that no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible, and you know, fair play to those who dream and don't give up. and this song is written from a perspective of hope.. and hope at the end of the day connects us all no matter how different we are"

it took just that to make me realize that i gotta do what i gotta do
to get
right
there.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

it completely blows my mind how i have evolved as a person.

i mean, this week has been making me so clear about myself.
i think about myself as a fifteen year old and i hate how sheltered i was.. . i didn't know anything about anything that i am in love with today! i've allowed myself to be molded by things that have caught my attention.. like Che Guevara and Andy Warhol and Cuban politics and revolutionaries and art..

it really makes me feel pity towards three quarters of my high school population who are going through life with no REAL INTERESTS or passions about anything that's really important in this world.

i feel like an old soul, almost.. i could research things on the internet pertaining to the 60s.. revolutions.. hippies.. beatniks.. Andre Breton, Andy Warhol, Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Bob Marley, surrealism, psychedelics, zenism, buddhism.. there's just so much

and as i looked through my Underground Free Press Ads between1965-1975 book, it made me realize how much of a creative wasteland we live in. people 30 years ago had so much to say, and youth today don't give two shits about anything.

it's really disheartening..

i feel a rainbow better,

a million rainbows better. a million red balloons better. a million licks of a lollipop better. a million strokes of a guitar better. a million bicycles better. a million coldplay songs better. a million cups of green tea better. a million scented candles better. a million tricycles better. a million joints better. a million fairytales better. a million bubble gum scented slammers better. a million necklaces better. a million bed sheets better. a million conversations with God better. a million Andy Warhol paintings better. a million childhood memories better. a million first kisses better. a million ocean waves better. a million curls better. a million live concerts better. a million cuddles better. a million sneakers better. a million dollars better. a million love notes better. a million rooftops better. a million night skylines better. a million tree forts better. a million sunsets better. a million drives through Tuscany better. a million gusts of wind through my hair better. a million roasted marshmellows better. a million birthday cakes better. a million anniversaries better. a million smiles better. a million melting ice cream cones better. a million bike rides with dad better. a million cute kittens better. a million plane rides better. a million yellow taxi cabs better. a million lullabies better. a million family dinners better. a million best friends better. a million soulmates better. a million hot chocolates better. a million movies better. a million cozy sweaters better. a million nostalgic moments better. a million walks around Lago di Tovel better. a million gypsy queens better. a million dances better. a million gold medals better. a million pillows better.

there is a reason that i wanted to pull a friday afternoon with Breanne on a Tuesday.

the past few days i have been unusually and unnecessarily lonely and depressed.

basically, it's a situation with Vitto. i won't get into it because i'm feeling optimistic about it for the moment, but basically if we hook up now, it will be difficult to continue a relationship in the future due to the circumstances starting in June.

but i am willing to give it a try even though before meeting him, i was bitter from previous experiences i have unfortunately experienced.

but there is something i realized about myself that would have aided me a great deal a few years ago. there are some things that are able to cheer me up instantaneously.

1) talking to God.. reminds me that i am never alone.
2) listening to loud music, singing along, and dancing at the same time
3) drinking green tea
4) creating artsy things

as Castro was retiring yesterday,

i was at Breanne's house with Olivia where we smoked cigarettes beneath her window and had profound conversations about Anne Frank, Che Guevara and Socialism. we also baked cookies which proved rather difficult.

in other words, we pulled a "friday afternoon".

and i also went to the gym for the first time in a very long while. yay for me

Fidel Castro retired yesterday. how sucky is that. i wonder what Che Guevara would think if he knew how powerful Fidel became..

if only he knew that the CIA tried killing Fidel a hundred times and never succeeding.
if only he knew the great things Fidel has done for Cuba.
if only he knew that Fidel has survived to be the world's longest-serving head of state.

if only he was still alive.

" Did i strike the right set of chords? you're annoyed.
The goal is to ignite you then move on.
You feel ill at ease. you got no squeeze.
And the wise cracks won't make you more stable.
You've learned you lines to scale and to time.
Why must i remind you now i'm only less able.
Cut from bad cloth or soiled like socks
We're ordinary people we can't help but to change

As we walk and make plans in the dark
Or make haste with the boy who can't help
But creep good people out.
As you talk to me too much you're assuming
We don't always want what's right."

i feel the urge to write something important. not that this recent Vitto blabber isn't important, because it is, but i go days with a million thoughts i'd love to write about, but i never actually write about them.

you've seen funeral processions before, yes? ok, well me and Daniel were on the road today and there was one going on and traffic was clogged majorly. and then i thought... what would the dead person think if they knew that their funeral was causing so many people road rage? and then i thought... i hope when i die i don't get a funeral procession... but then i thought.. maybe i do want a funeral procession when i die and i came up with the conclusion that funeral processions were invented so that the dead person can have a last chance at pissing off a mass amount of people.


a few days ago, Drew sent me a message telling me that if i don't vote for conservatives, he would lose it on me. as i look in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have told him who i was voting for instead because he went completely rank on my ass. saying that me and my opinion were retarded. he also seems to have collected this comic book interpretation of what my party represents. saying that they will put humans as their last priority and they will become like Hitler, but instead of wiping out a certain race, they will wipe out the whole human civilization. sounds like Pinky and the Brain to me! anyways, after he told me that i shot back at him that a) the election is for the premier and the premier can only do so much b) here he is putting Hitler in a bad light, when he is doing exactly what Hitler did! he was telling ME that my beliefs are stupid and wrong, so i told him he was the one doing as Hitler did and that he should take the stick out of his ass and c) if he can't handle people thinking differently than him, he doesn't belong in a democracy government. i suggested he move to Cuba where there is only one option to vote for... he wouldn't have to deal with opposing opinions.

and on top of that, i also included a reference to extremes just as he did. i simply told him that the party i'm voting for would win, take over, and attempt to wipe out human civilization. i would then become a revolutionary, overthrow their government using guerrilla warfare and rule Canada for the next 40 years in a true Socialist manner.

and today as i laid my head on Vitto's chest, i told him this situation. Vitto totally agrees with me and supports the same party as i do, saying that just because they put the environment ahead of people, does not in any way mean they'll be wiping out human civilization. in fact, it's the complete opposite. they support sustainability and if you know what sustainability means, then you'll know that the last thing they want to do is kill humans. if the environment is not sustained, then how on earth are humans supposed to sustain themselves????

and don't get me wrong, global warming could probably be a scam because it's a natural process. all the planets are heating up, it's just what happens when the sun gets hotter over time. BUT that does NOT mean we can continue the way we are. there is always room for improvement when it comes to how we treat the earth in everyday life. so don't think i've fallen for Al Gore's latest money maker documentary. in fact, i hate the prick. i think i deserve the Nobel Peace Prize more than he does.

but back to this heated political debate (which shouldn't be instigated between people under any circumstance!!!), i told him that there probably are flaws in my favored party, just as he and i do, but they also have very positive things too. i also said that the conservatives probably have positive things to offer as well. but the way i see the world is most strongly matched with the way my favored party sees the world, and that's the truth in all it's rawness.

Aquarius January 20-February 18
Saturday, Feb 16, 2008

This should turn out to be a pretty good day for you, and you'll probably be feeling very much in tune with everything and everyone around you. Relationships of all kinds should be going very smoothly for you right now, particularly your romantic relationships. And you might be eager to find some new and exciting ways of enjoying yourself today.

It’d also be a good time to try to find some new ways of expressing your creative energies. Just try to be open to as many new experiences as possible today.

i got to lay in Vitto's arms today. i got to kiss his lips today. i got to hear his heart beat today. i got to play with his hair today. i got to feel appreciated when he'd lay his head on my chest and just be today. i got to get my bare back caressed today. i got to smile today.

he could be the best thing to happen to me.

Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean.

Judge not
Before you judge yourself.
Judge not
If you're not ready for judgement. Woah oh oh!

The road of life is rocking
And you may stumble too.
So while you talk about me,
someone else is judging you.

today couldn't have been more perfect.

isn't it an awesome feeling when you find someone so special?? i mean, after everything that has happened in the past couple years, i was left with virtually no best friends. i went from having a handful of them to losing them. one of those was such an essential part of my life. she was completely and totally my best friend, together we'd be forever. stuff that intense doesn't happen to some people, and it happened to me without me even knowing.

after school i went tanning. at 1:15 i arrived at Breanne's. we sat in her room, talked about feather ruffling topics, smoked cigarettes, and listened to Mazzy Star.

it was pure euphoria.. bliss. the sun in my eyes, i closed them slowly.. opened them slowly to watch the smoke in the sunlight swirl above my head that was already in the clouds.

happy valentine's day everybody!

like it's worth the recognition anyways. today Vitto sent me a text saying he hates valentine's day but he hoped i was having a good one. if the truth will be told, it doesn't really affect me. it doesn't make me bitter, it doesn't make me happy... it makes me feel... indifferent. i know some people are all for it, and i know others hate it, but it doesn't bother me at all.

it started off as a pretty shitty day, however. i'm not even sure why... i failed my reading comprehension test which probably contributed to my lousy mood massively.. but there was something irritating me. it might have been Breanne... actually i think it was because of her and i don't really know why.

Tom is making her dinner tonight... and she had this sweet plan to do something naughty with cinnamon hearts.

anywhoodle, i had a hair appointment at 3 and i walked out hating my hair as usual... but now i love it love it love it

after schoolio today: me, Breanne and her gay friend Calvin (who is awesome by the way!) went to whyte avenue.

me and Breanne found this awesome little store which we've vowed to go to at least once every couple months because they have the coolest shit! and it's so obscure.. nobody knows about it, and i won't tell anybody about it either haha.

it was awesome... just going in and out of random stores and wanting every sweet lamp i lay my eyes upon. and then we went into this other store which was really sweet where i bought ten sticks of incense for Vitto. it was just a lot of fun. i can't wait until it warms up outside so we can go to Whyte ave more often and experience everything there is to experience!

as for Saturday, i will be spending the day with Vitto. for sure this time! we can watch Across The Universe... burn his new nice smelling incense... cuddle... snuggle.... canoodle... drink tea... walk Whyte ave.. snoop around in little antique stores...

he's amazing. have i mentioned?

my english teacher asked me why i looked confused one day, after he wrote the structure of an essay on the board. i told him because i don't like structure because it's restricting. Breanne says i'll forever be the girl who doesn't like structure.

but sometimes i find that looking at things in their primary state for their primary purpose makes accomplishing them a whole lot easier.

i ask myself... what is the primary purpose of this english response??

with a hopeful mind-set and some good advice from a friend who suggests a source of inspiration,

i tell myself... "his eyes are so blue. like a swimming pool in which i can swim."

that's raw.

"“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”"

B.M. is my muse

it would have been a nice afternoon spent with Vitto if i actually went to his place, but i didn't, because it's so bloody cold out.

i never thought i'd say this again, but i'm sitting in a large bowl of suckiness.

according to Matt i should be angry at Mr Sainchuk because he picks on me a lot. there's something about him.. the way he puts me on the spot, but i turn ridiculously red every time he talks to me in that class.

it bothers me so much because i'm not ashamed at what i'm saying, i just hate being put on the spot.

anyways, after school today me and Breanne bought Silent Sam (haha) and then went to Mt. Fuji to pick up our food and talk to Vin.

we went to her place and while eating Mt Fuji and drinking vodka and coke, we watched Across The Universe. i am so excited for this movie. i love it so much that i could watch it everyday. i watched it today with Breanne and i was really excited because she hadn't seen it yet. and tomorrow i'm going to watch it with Vitto, who also hasn't seen it.

after that me and Breanne went to londonderry where i bought ten dollar shoes and a 60 dollar fancy top... the first of many i'm predicting.

i love Breanne.

Aquarius January 20-February 18 Thursday, Feb 7, 2008 You should be coming across very well to other people right now. You ought to be able to make a positive impression a little more easily than usual today. And you should find that this really ought to help you out when it comes to dealing with any sort of romantic interests right now.

So go ahead and take a few risks and express your feelings today. And if you feel like having a good time right now, just be careful that you don’t overdo it. If you play your cards right, this could turn out to be one of your luckier days of the month.


my favorite class is probably English. Mr Sainchuk is awesome.

i went tanning today for twenty minutes. i feel like a walking cancer.

my eyes are ridiculously dry.

i'm sitting here with the laptop on my lap and the tv in front of me. apparently Kursten Dunst is going to rehab. what is this? maybe i should get a career in a rehab facility. i'm so obsessed with hollywood that if i were to work at a rehab facility in California, i would surely meet enough stars to do some high quality name dropping.

did i mention i bought Across The Universe on Tuesday??? i watched the day of and it was amazing as usual. i'm going to watch it tomorrow at Breanne's place, and i'm going to watch it at Vitto's on saturday. it's so exciting!!!

the past few weeks i've been ridiculously unmotivated to do anything related to my portfolio. my motivation and excitement returned yesterday... and i am sure that this is the field for me. i am totally 100% sure.

can you believe that that stupid Hannah Montana movie was number one in box offices this week?! either the population is utterly RETARDED or our population consists of MOSTLY teenyboppers.

Anna Nicole Smith's daughter is so cute.

hahahah today i laughed because Vitto doesn't get paid until next week so that ruins our dinner date because he is broke and he's stubborn and wants to pay. so we're staying in and cooking dinner ourselves!! how cute is that.

except i'm kind of sketchy about it because his parents will probably be there, and i'm not very comfortable around parents, you know? sometimes i wish i was like Heather in the way that she is so outgoing.

hmmph. i really don't feel like writing. i just spent an hour and half writing a paper for English. and another hour on chemistry. i absolutely love only having two core subjects this semester. love love love it

do you ever see a date and know it holds some sort of importance, but you just can't think of it?

that's whats been happening with me and February 4th. it looks like a big day, but i just can't think of what might have happened on February 4th one year, two years, three years or maybe four years ago... it's very bothersome.

on another note, i'm beginning to feel intimidated by somebody i don't even know

oh yeah
i was reading an old post and realized i made a mistake. Vitto didn't live in Australia for 6 months. he went there twice. the first time for 10 and a half months and the second time for 3 months

HOW SWEET IS THAT?!

you know what else is absolutely euphoric?

feeling as if i finally found someone worth my time. i used to think it was too exhausting meeting someone new and getting to know them. but with Vitto, it's so easy and relaxed.

today in English, Mr. Sainchuk was talking about relationships. i can't remember exactly what he said, but this girl in my class was talking....
"... it's important to get to know the person at the beginning of a relationship"
Mr. Sainchuk responded..
"but WHY?! what on earth is the rush????? why do you need to get to know him overnight?? guys, when you spend all your time with your girlfriend, i assure you that the relationship will not last. if you want your relationship to last, you have to take your time and slowly get to know each other."

it seems that everything he says is directed to me somehow. i can relate somehow to everything he talks about.
he has this weird habit of knowing people without actually knowing them... on the first day he asked me if i was a good writer. i responded..
"i dunno... maybe"
"i dunno? maybe? how will you attract any men with that confidence. 'look at me! i have no confidence in myself! how on earth will i meet a guy who wants to be with someone who has such low confidence?!'"

it was just ridiculous. sure everyone was laughing and so was i. but he read me like a book. the next class he was talking about palm reading. i happened to grab the spot at the front so he grabs my hand and predicts my future as follows...
"ahh... ok. so you will soon meet someone very special who you will care about dearly. but in 6 months he will dump you and you will not get over it for 4 years!"

my jaw nearly dropped because it sounded like something that could totally happen to me. it already has, just divide the time periods in half!

but Vitto is totally cool. he sent me the sweetest thing just now..
"it's a good thing because i really do like you and taking this slow is a smart idea. but ya like i said i am stoked to hang out with you. ha and i am really looking forward to stealing that kiss. and taking naps with you while listening to records heh"
"i totally think that is how you start a good relationship. it will be more about us than that."

i don't know what i did to deserve someone like him. maybe those late night chats with God while sipping on green tea and listening to Mazzy Star really worked.

he is amazing.

been sitting here for awhile listening to Fiona Apple while doing chemistry homework. music has the ability to make me happy even when doing chemistry homework.
or maybe it was the text conversation between Vitto and I.

now i'm listening to Mazzy Star. they're angels.
when i listen to their music i imagine myself in a different world saturated with color. i have long wavy dark hair in this world and i'm wearing a nice sundress and i'm laying in a field of ridiculously green grass and i watch the ridiculously white clouds travel across the ridiculously blue sky.

it's euphoric.

i think my favorite music of all time has to be within these artists: Coldplay, Oasis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bloc Party, Bob Marley, Fiona Apple, and Mazzy Star

my life is complete when all the above are included

yesterday me and Vitto went to Heather's condo where she and my brother made dinner. after dinner we hung out until 9:30 when we went to Empress.

it wasn't as awesome as last time i went because i didn't really have a lot to drink.. just random sips from Daniel and Vitto's beers.

as time went on, my legs eventually rested on top of Vitto's leg, and he held my hand for a bit.
that was the best part.

Friday or Saturday he wants to go out to Da Capo and maybe catch a movie at the Garneau.

he gives me butterflies

another positive note! i weighed myself this morning and i am now 148 pounds! which totals to 7 pounds lost in the last few months. i haven't weighed under 150 in so long....


positivity all around!

last night i went to the Etherial CD Release party. i went with Aislin, Haley and Shawn. there was a lot of people there from our school.. ones that usually never go to their shows. it was pretty fun and then we went to the Liquor store where we bought some booze with my newly legal identification.

i love Haley because she makes me laugh really really hard with her random expressions and sayings.
i love Aislin because she's cute and she keeps us under control.. for the most part.
i love Amanda because she becomes a sultry spanish man when under the influence and says things like "Como stas bitchessss" and "OLE!" and "hombre" hahaha.
i love Kari because she's an alcoholic.

i love live music because it's hypnotizing.

afterwards, we went to McDonald's because Haley and I were hungry and i hadn't eaten anything that day which probably explains why i was completely out of my mind with only a few shots of captain morgan's.

anyways, Aislin drove me home and i laid in bed and texted Vitto for about an hour. i confessed that i couldn't stop thinking about him at the concert.

and that's when he confessed that he really likes me and thinks i'm amazing.

WHAAAAA???? i was totally thrown off in a totally awesome way.

i can't wait to see him in approximately 3 hours for dinner at Heather's condo and then out to the bar!!!

it was a very chill day.

i had cosmetology with my girls first block.
i had english with my girl second block.
i had spare with myself third block.
i had lunch with my girl at lunch.
i had chemistry with my crew 4th block.

went downtown and took a bus to his house fifth block.
blazed with my boys sixth block.
watched Knocked Up and burned incense with my boy 7th block.
drank green tea with my boy eighth block.

i think i really like him for long time.

i'm tired of saying nothing about what has been happening to me.

on one hand, i really really want to talk about it. but on the other hand, i want to keep it myself because i don't know what is going to happen.

i'll keep it down to the basics..
that guy that i met at the bar.. Vitto. well we've been texting for the past three days. and i'm hanging out with him tomorrow.

basically, he could be one of the coolest people i've ever met. he's 22 and a hippie. he has those really old VW vans from the 70s and he lived in Australia for 6 months and went to New Zealand and was pretty much a beach bum.

the best part? he's friends with my brother. i told my brother yesterday we were going to hang out and all he could say (with a big smile on his face) was "i'm going to kill that guy." but then he continued to say he's a really really wicked guy. and he's italian! him and my brother went to italian school together. and to add to that, he grew up 2 doors down from my brothers girlfriend, Heather. so it won't be awkward when and if we hang out together.

last night me and Vitto were texting and it was 1 am and he told me to tell my brother "il gatto nero fa meow meow" (in italian it means the black cat goes meow meow) and so i told me brother and my brother says "tell him- Come lo sai esopo?" (which means how do you know, esopo?) and Vitto sends one back saying he laughed so hard.

i was so out of the loop but he then told me it was an italian song they learned in Italian school.

it's just a really really cool feeling. i have no way of knowing what will happen, but i can't wait, whatever it is.

i really like writing about meaningful things that won't make me want to smack myself upside the head a few years down the road.

Follow me because
I will lead the way
to the very end of the things I pray
and all that I know I will pass on
until the day you will need me no more.

I will take you to where you’ve never been before.
and I’ll show you all of this colourful world
and when the moment comes that you will carry on,
You, you’ll do the same
You will lead the game
for another, another
just like you.

do you ever actually think about the water you drink?
i mean, the Earth only has a certain amount of water which has been recycled since the beginning of time.

i imagine the water people are drinking is entering their bodies, exiting their bodies, going into the water cleaning system and so on..

and then when you add rivers, lakes, oceans, and even the water cycle! i mean, it is totally possible that i am drinking water that has travelled to the sky!

or maybe Cleopatra bathed in the same bath water as i do! there are a million possibilites.

just think of how ancient water molecules are.. they never really disappear.

oh, the stories water would tell if only it could talk.

i just would like to mention that under Aquarius woman and Sagittarius male it says this:

LOOSE. free with their bods, treat 'em like temples

=D

i have this nasty habit.

not necessarily nasty, but it's an awful habit to have because it's exactly what women do wrong.

i have this old old old magazine from 2000.. it's Teen People and it has Sisqo on the cover. i refer to this magazine many times in my life. specifically when i meet a new guy. any new guy.. even the ones i don't want to be with romantically.

inside there's three pages.
the first page is for the women. it has all the zodiac signs and under it says for each zodiac what about men they prefer most... in areas such as appearance, personality, ideals etc...

for example, under Aquarius (me!) it says this...
LOOKS:
DUDE. rude-boy vibe. skate, ska-style. fluid body lingo. radical hair-- the odd dye job, tattoo or piercing.
PERSONALITY:
CONSCIOUS. visionary. probing. provocative. out of bounds. zealous. exceptional. progressive. humane. lustily longing.
IDEALS:
CHANGE. rebellion. individualism. self-promotion. clarity. invention. tolerance. temperance.
AMBITION:
NIRVANA.ending strife. fostering solidarity. solving global problems.

on the second page is what men want.

for example i will pick want an Aquarian man would want (and for the record, i've never actually had to look under this zodiac sign for men before)...
LOOK:
LOVE CHILD. beads, braids. buff yoga bod. strappy styles. corn-fed face. techno-trappings. open gaze.
and so on and so on.
i use this page a lot. and even though it's probably not true, it's cool to see what it says anyways.

finally! the third and last page is a table. across the top are the mens zodiac signs and going down the side are the womens zodiac signs. you find the woman's and man's sign and see their compatibility. ( i also love and use this a lot)

so when i use Aquarius and Aquarius together here is what it says:
EXTRA-ORDINARY. normal outside, freaky inside. both brainy.

how cool is that?!?!

let's be nerdy and confess that this is my 900th post!!

how ridiculous is that.

very very ridiculous.

i sit here with not an ounce of worry for i am officially done semester one of my senior year. YAY

also, my brother's italian friend who i met at the bar (see previous post for reference) has added me to facebook and while having a pleasant conversation, he asked for my brother's phone number because he changed phones and didn't have it anymore. so i gave it to him with the clever remark "do you want mine too while you're at it? haha just kidding.." and he said "sure! just don't tell dan he might kill me"

so he text messaged me and we texted last night for a few hours.

it was pretty ... weird haha

i had a feeling that once i have the title of "adult" i'd become this force to be reckoned with. and that, i have become =D

alright so this is how my 18th birthday went. and yes i remember everything.

i had Social diploma prep. courses until 9 so my brother picked me up from St.Joes and we stopped at a liquor store and picked up some rye and then we bought some diet coke and ice and then we went to Heather's condo.

there, my brother gave me my birthday present (which was probably more for him in the end haha). he got me an Oasis DVD which we watched while pre-drinking at the condo.

Sari, Sinan, Natalie and Teng then showed up and me and Daniel crammed in the car and we headed to Halo.

Halo is really really cool. my brother bought us all yagger bombs (sp?) which are shots of some kind of alcohol and red bull. they are really expensive but my brother said it's tradition and our parents gave us $165 to spend haha. anyways, so by this time i was pretty intoxicated and Andrea showed up which was cool.

i figured i'm a club person. i enjoy sitting around getting drunk but i really like dancing so me, Teng, Andrea and Natalie danced in a circle and the DJ was playing some pretty wicked songs which i enjoyed. after a little bit of that we crammed into the car (Natalie only had a beer so we weren't drinking and driving!) and headed to Empress on whyte ave. where my brother's friend Greg was having his birthday which i thought was pretty sweet.

so we get to this pub and i sit down and plop my elbow into a million puddles of beer, but by this time i was so fucked i didn't care. let me re-phrase that. i wasn't "so fucked", but i was the drunkest i've ever been in my life, which is a little more drunk than tipsy... enough so that my vision was bouncing off the walls.. i made it clear that i'm a weed kind of girl haha

anyways, so i meet Greg who i've actually met before at the art show but i actually talk to him thanks to social lubricators (alcohol) and he is a really cool guy. we were all talking about his trip to Europe with Teng and he's really funny.

and then i met this guy named Vittorio who actually went to Italian school with my brother like ages ago. we talked a lot. he's currently upgrading but he travelled a lot.. went to New Zealand and Australia, and my brother was saying that he lived in Australia for 6 months or something. this guy is so interesting and pretty cute as well. actually, i mentioned later (to my brother) that he kinda looks like Elijah Wood.

he even bought me a drink. and threw me a couple smiles here and there. he told me he really likes the movie Into The Wild and i mentioned my brother wanted to see that and then he had a brilliant idea that we all go see it! which would be pretty cool...

anyways, it was a little before 2 am when we left and got dropped off back at Heather's condo. me and my brother watched more of the Oasis DVD when i felt like total crap and walked calmly to the bathroom. my brother asking if i was feeling alright and i calmly responded with a no. i embraced the toilet and without much panic (which is totally unusual for me because i hate hate hate throwing up and i always start bawling haha... last time i threw up was 2 years ago in Italy due to severe exhaustion and jet lag) and i threw up. and it smelled like alcohol which made me want to throw up even more.

it was an awesome awesome awesome night.
but if i see or smell alcohol in this next week i will probably hurl. gross

the plan was to go to Black Dog with my brother and his friends. Black Dog is a cool bar which i 've been to before so it would've been sweet to celebrate my 18th there.

However, it burned down last night. which makes me laugh because instances such as this one tend to happen to me.

anyways, i'm taking it as a good thing because i'm going to Halo instead which should be even cooler than Black Dog.

i've seen pictures and it looks like clubs in The Hills. and my brother even knows the guy who designed it.

so i'm even more excited now.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am 18 today. i can call in to radio stations, win the lottery, buy tobacco, go to jail, vote, walk into bars, rent a car, reserve a hotel room, go to pubs and clubs, be on girls gone wild, buy porn, go to a strip club, get tattoos, be kicked out of my house legally, be called for jury service, change my name, open a cheque account/get a VISA card, enter a contract, rent a property in my name, bet on sports/races, get married, sign myself out of class, join the army, and i'm sure there are plenty of other things i can do.

oh, what a world of opportunities!

i was so wanting to write about events of these past days. now i'm too lazy and i've lost all motivation to write those events.

sub-consciously i know it's better to leave it unpublished because .. well because.

or maybe that's just the excuse i'm sticking to because there are a lot of parts i don't really remember.

me and Breanne and a ghost from my past (an attractive one at that) smoked up and there's always little comments that make you laugh and you file it away in the brain and never remember them after that moment.

i wish i could remember. i love things that make me laugh. somehow it's depressing to think that these hilarious comments during a nice blaze are lost in the twilight zone, never to be found again.

as for the ghost of my past. i did not forget that. it's weird. definitely weird.

this is the last position i ever thought i'd be in. it's like fucking with my brain or something. like i've been rewinded.

i don't want it to be like a year ago though. i mean, it's so done! i should be moving on.
i think i'm in though. i think? we haven't discussed it and in no way am i bringing it up. i brought it up the other night when we were texting. i hate talking about it. i force myself to hate it because when i think about it i tend to create a DISASTER.

nobody likes disaster's.

i don't think i'll even mention his name. but it does start with a J.

LOL

January 4, 2008

Amelie was my favorite movie. I jsut watched it while being fully awake and all in one sitting.

I dont know how else to put it, but i am Amelie. I feel as though I am completely connected to her situation.

The way she imagined his hand in the doorway, then to see it was only her cat.
I cried. For her. For me. For the fact that she got him in the end. Their closeness in the end.. i could feel it on my skin.

Although i told myself no resolutions, i feel like i am wasting this opportunity at a new start. it's a false security. new starts can happen at any time in your life. i do not need the digit to increase by one in the year i am presently in to decide what needs fixing in my life. Just to get that straight. Now i can safely make some sort of resolution.
There has to be some trick to making a resolution. Nothing superficial though, it has to be general.

For 2008, my resolution will be to come into my own.

I said general, but it came out rather vague. No one can really be sure of what it means, but that's what's positive about it.

I am certain about this: i am lovesick. it's like i am so obsessed with the idea of love, that i will avoid anything pertaining to it. what an awful realization! what a difficult, lonely life i'll have.

a fish out of water. i need to get back in.

January 9, 2008

stand in the dark and alone. now think of all your worst nightmares.

"I am saddened to say that it is true that many of today's youth do not make an effort to understand that Che was not just a cool picture on the t shirt now available at urban outfitters. But I do not think that anyone has any real reason to dismiss his efforts. I think that anyone who believes so strongly in what they are doing should not be dismissed as "mediocre". He was a great man, whose life was cut short by troops trained by the CIA. He was also a true believer that everyone deserved the best. One of his right hand men told of a time when Che and his troops were crossing the mountains in Argentina. they had some cans of condensed milk, and they were handing them out for dinner. After everyone had received their can, there was one remaining. Che's men offered to give Che the extra can, but he not only refused it, but demanded that it be shared with everyone. he then gave everyone an extra spoonfull of the milk. Though this sounds like a small act, it was typical of his refusal to be glorified. Che Guevara is one of my heros, and to insult him is to insult the belief in the decency of humanity"

"Che's death was announced by the CIA the day before he actually died. In addition his parents lied about his birthdate to hide the fact that he was born out of wedlock. Thus, besides being the most sexy revolutionary of the twentieth century, both his birthday and death day are controversial."

so uh
i was looking for disadvantages on dictatorships. i was looking into Cuba and when i found that Fidel Castro has done nothing but good things for his country, i was dumbfounded.

why is everyone hating on the guy??
i mean, Cuba is so much better off now than it was before Castro came into power. he's been there for 40 bloody years!!! if everyone hated him so much, don't you think he would've been caught and hung by now? like all the other corrupt dictators in human history??

i've also realized that i'm beginning to be interested in Cuban history. a couple years ago i discovered who Che Guevara was, and i immediately loved him, but now i'm learning more and more about Cuba and it's government and stuff, and i just love everything to do with it!

it's too bad i'm done Social for the rest of my life. but that's how it is, i become interested once it's of no use to me.

i wish i was a young adult during the late 60's, early 70's.

recently i was watching an infomercial for this CD collection called Flower Power, songs from the Love Generation. i downloaded about 60 songs from that infomercial and decided i want to be a hippie.

of course there are some things that conflict with this. i, for one, believe strongly that peace is unattainable as long as humans are living. the world cannot progress with conflict. if cave men hadn't challenged each other's beliefs and theories in the Stone Age, where would we be today?

if we didn't have anything to prepare for, how technologically advanced would we be today?

about a week ago, i was brain-drizzling for ideas for my Free Press Ad which will be a part of my portfolio. i was in my room, legs up on the bed, dim lighting, Bob Marley playing in the back, and a pot of tea beside me. i figured that that right there was my zen. i came up with the following idea:

there may be wars and conflicts in the world for as long as we live, but if we each had our cup of tea, there'd be some zen in the world.

just picture yourself here...
You're in the middle of Hiroshima after the atomic bomb, everything's gone and dead. you are the only one standing in the middle of this wasteland. you take a seat in the imaginary chair and prop your legs up on the imaginary table. you take a sip of your tea and you feel it warm your insides as your heart becomes this warm cup of tea.

you are now pleasantly smiling in the presence of a disaster.

so with that said, let's face the fact that world peace is something only the Utopian world holds, and let's figure out a way to put ourselves at peace.. instead of the whole world.

i'm not sure what to do about him yet.

he made me feel SO HAPPY though. and i'm sure he meant every single word. i haven't wanted someone like that in a long time.

I just watched Highway, starring Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhal and Selma Blair. with some Jeremy Piven parts. my favorite character was Pilot, played by Jake. and it is now one of my favorite movies. FAVORITE MOVIE I'M TELLING YOU!

Pilot Kelson: Pop Quiz.
Jack Hayes: No.
Pilot Kelson: Come on. It's a quick one.
Jack Hayes: Go.
Pilot Kelson: What is 1,056 dicks?
Jack Hayes: A lot of dicks.
Pilot Kelson: Beep. Perfect Score. Gold star.

---

[as he has raw sex with Jilly Miranda]
Jack Hayes: Jack and Jilly went up the hilly to fetch a pale of water!

---

Johnny the Fox: A field... I need a field... A field in which to frolic!

---

Pilot Kelson: You are one daffy invididual!

---

Pilot Kelson: I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck.

---

Pilot Kelson: [after the alligator boy screams] That be a cry laden with pain and sorrow

---

Pilot Kelson: Desmond the alligator boy is a major happener

---

Pilot Kelson: When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys

---

Jack Hayes: Pop quiz.
Pilot Kelson: Go.
Jack Hayes: How much I owe you for helping me out?
Pilot Kelson: A gazillion.
Jack Hayes: Who's the major old-school happener?
Pilot Kelson: Piiilot.
Jack Hayes: How much longer we a team?
Pilot Kelson: Forever.
Jack Hayes: Beep... perfect score, gold star.

---

Jack Hayes: You bang her yet man?
Pilot Kelson: Not even close... if "Bangher" was an island off the coast of the Carribean, me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in Jersey

---

Jack Hayes: Can we just have 15 minutes of fun in our fucking miserable lives?
Pilot Kelson: Famous last words...

---

Pilot Kelson: [telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?

---

Pilot Kelson: So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, 'sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know?
[laughs]
Pilot Kelson: Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?

---

Shanks: [walks up to Pilot] You the boyfriend? You like alligator dick?
[touches Pilot's lips]
Shanks: Like to suck it?

---

Pilot Kelson: This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck!
Shanks: [turns to Jack] Is that what they call you? The God of Fuck? Tell me something... do you like to get fucked?

---

Cassie: That's pretty pathetic in my book.
Pilot Kelson: In your book? And what's the title of that book? Is it called 'Give Me A Hundred Bucks And I'll Suck Your Dick'? Cause I think I read that one, and it was... ooh... lurid.

Anarchism

I think young generations steer towards anarchy, because people come to an age where they want independence and more freedom. I think it's valid for people to feel this way but there would be absolute chaos without some sort of government or authority. It is human nature to want more than an individual already has, so this Utopian idea of anarchism is not possible. There needs to be some sort of authority in charge to keep things in order and safe. It's easy to want an anarchy because very rarely do we see genuine governments and leaders that have support from all the people. There is always a flaw in the current government s that people tend to focus on, leading them to be unhappy with any decision made by that government. This may cause them to believe that no government at all would make them happy. When in fact, no government would be worse than a leader who may abuse his power. Governments ensure safety and security of the people. Judicial systems are established, as well as police and hospitals.. basically everything needed to live.

I feel very strongly about the need for government. Anarchism could never work because humans aren't perfect.

i've always liked Red Hot Chili Peppers
but ever since i read that book, i think i will love them for the rest of my life.

i love how fun and out of control they are. i watch some of their music videos and you can tell they don't take things seriously, they're just there for the fun. and i love that.

they all seem to have their quirks to add.

and i can't forget how attractive Anthony Kiedis is. i have to include Flea, Chad and John Frusciante too!

ever since i watched Pulp Fiction, i've been obsessed with that style. it's so classic. movies are ridiculously influential. and music. films and music = totally influential.

i become a totally new person with every new film i watch or every new band i listen to. i go through these mind phases, i like to call them, where i have a mini epiphany until the next band or film i experience. for instance, after listening to Enya, Pilate or Coldplay, i become this philosophical persona. and ten minutes later i can listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers and decide to live life on the edge. whereas, after i listen to Mute Math i attain this chill, easygoing laid back ego. but then i listen to The Shins and become a green tea drinking, exercise loving, peace loving freak. after listening to some Justice, MSTRKRFT or Tiesto, i have this care-free nutso mind-set.

as for movies, i can watch Pulp Fiction and create an aura made of pure gold and bask in it's classiness. then i watch Garden State and become the same person i become when i listen to Coldplay or Pilate. watching Amelie is my favorite because i get so incredibly inspired and i get all artsy. instead, watching Requiem For A Dream creates a risky mind-set. but i become a hopeless romantic after watching Across The Universe.

you can see where i find it difficult to define who i really am. but it doesn't bother me so much. i love that movies and music do that to me. it's like putting on clothes in the morning.. what are my characteristics going to be today?

it's awesome.

as for new years resolution, mine is to have none. because i never follow through. i usually get everything done when i don't plan on it, so things should go smoothly if i don't plan or force them to.

for a few weeks now i've known deep down my calling, or destiny, on this earth. i haven't shared it yet so here it is, my declaration:

WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY.

there it is. my future, what i have been/will be striving for.
that's a pretty stressful thing for me to say, it makes me anxious. and nervous, but excited.

i think what i really want is to make people feel a certain way after they watch a film, just how films do it for me.

dear dirty laundry,

today i gathered a few white bed sheets and some funny looking chairs, the tripod and my tool of the trade (Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT), and with the cement floor and superb lighting in the basement, i snapped some shots.

earlier i studied a whole section in my Biology Key and in the unit review test i scored 83%!

on Driv3r i discovered a yacht in the middle of the ocean in Miami and i could open doors on it and everything, it was really nice, but nothing exciting, as i walked around with my gun prepared for people who clearly weren't there.

Heather came back from Hawaii today, she stole my brother away for the night so i'm here by my lonesome. i went into the basement and saw the "photoshoot" still in tact. the bed sheet on the floor... the bed sheet hanging on the back of two chairs... a funny looking chair in the center of attention as it was my muse at the time. i saw the tripod in it's position and i didn't feel lonely anymore.

that's what i want to do for the rest of my life.

if all computer systems were abolished, would the internet still exist ?


i studied for 5 hours today and i plan on the next 5 hours of studying, playing Driv3er, and relaxing. the next few days will consist of just these things.

on New Years Eve, December 31, i had a blood and urine test taken. icky
i didn't black out this time. i'm going to change my layout i think.
anyway, my appointment was at 9:15 in the morning, so naturally i went home afterwards and fell back to sleep. in those 2 hours i had the following dream.
i was at this house that had about 6 floors and i was staying there for a few days. now please take into consideration that this is a dream and it was a few days ago so things might be a little mixed up. i am recalling what i remember even if it didnt happen in this order. (not that anyone can prove me wrong or anything ha). so i unpack all my clothes and i have a ton of them. and i think my family had a lot of members sleeping in all the different rooms of this enormous house. and i think i had this huge musclehead boyfriend who played football (if you watch The Real World: Sydney, he resembles Dunbar. icky). anyways, i think he died at one point on the muddy field and i fell in love with someone else. and then back at the house there was a funeral for a stuffed animal and everyone attended that i have ever met or seen. the stuffed animal was laying in bed and there was this girl i know from dance who was in the bed too (but alive). after this weird funeral thing, my real family left from the parking lot and as we drove up the ramp there was a girl standing on the edge of the ramp and she was holding a gun to her head. it was 6:01 pm on New Years Eve (in the dream) and she jumped off and shot herself in mid-air. and i started bawling. in the dream my eyes were squeezed tight and i was crying.
i didn't know the girl but i woke up crying.

WEIRD.