alright so this is how my 18th birthday went. and yes i remember everything.

i had Social diploma prep. courses until 9 so my brother picked me up from St.Joes and we stopped at a liquor store and picked up some rye and then we bought some diet coke and ice and then we went to Heather's condo.

there, my brother gave me my birthday present (which was probably more for him in the end haha). he got me an Oasis DVD which we watched while pre-drinking at the condo.

Sari, Sinan, Natalie and Teng then showed up and me and Daniel crammed in the car and we headed to Halo.

Halo is really really cool. my brother bought us all yagger bombs (sp?) which are shots of some kind of alcohol and red bull. they are really expensive but my brother said it's tradition and our parents gave us $165 to spend haha. anyways, so by this time i was pretty intoxicated and Andrea showed up which was cool.

i figured i'm a club person. i enjoy sitting around getting drunk but i really like dancing so me, Teng, Andrea and Natalie danced in a circle and the DJ was playing some pretty wicked songs which i enjoyed. after a little bit of that we crammed into the car (Natalie only had a beer so we weren't drinking and driving!) and headed to Empress on whyte ave. where my brother's friend Greg was having his birthday which i thought was pretty sweet.

so we get to this pub and i sit down and plop my elbow into a million puddles of beer, but by this time i was so fucked i didn't care. let me re-phrase that. i wasn't "so fucked", but i was the drunkest i've ever been in my life, which is a little more drunk than tipsy... enough so that my vision was bouncing off the walls.. i made it clear that i'm a weed kind of girl haha

anyways, so i meet Greg who i've actually met before at the art show but i actually talk to him thanks to social lubricators (alcohol) and he is a really cool guy. we were all talking about his trip to Europe with Teng and he's really funny.

and then i met this guy named Vittorio who actually went to Italian school with my brother like ages ago. we talked a lot. he's currently upgrading but he travelled a lot.. went to New Zealand and Australia, and my brother was saying that he lived in Australia for 6 months or something. this guy is so interesting and pretty cute as well. actually, i mentioned later (to my brother) that he kinda looks like Elijah Wood.

he even bought me a drink. and threw me a couple smiles here and there. he told me he really likes the movie Into The Wild and i mentioned my brother wanted to see that and then he had a brilliant idea that we all go see it! which would be pretty cool...

anyways, it was a little before 2 am when we left and got dropped off back at Heather's condo. me and my brother watched more of the Oasis DVD when i felt like total crap and walked calmly to the bathroom. my brother asking if i was feeling alright and i calmly responded with a no. i embraced the toilet and without much panic (which is totally unusual for me because i hate hate hate throwing up and i always start bawling haha... last time i threw up was 2 years ago in Italy due to severe exhaustion and jet lag) and i threw up. and it smelled like alcohol which made me want to throw up even more.

it was an awesome awesome awesome night.
but if i see or smell alcohol in this next week i will probably hurl. gross

the plan was to go to Black Dog with my brother and his friends. Black Dog is a cool bar which i 've been to before so it would've been sweet to celebrate my 18th there.

However, it burned down last night. which makes me laugh because instances such as this one tend to happen to me.

anyways, i'm taking it as a good thing because i'm going to Halo instead which should be even cooler than Black Dog.

i've seen pictures and it looks like clubs in The Hills. and my brother even knows the guy who designed it.

so i'm even more excited now.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am 18 today. i can call in to radio stations, win the lottery, buy tobacco, go to jail, vote, walk into bars, rent a car, reserve a hotel room, go to pubs and clubs, be on girls gone wild, buy porn, go to a strip club, get tattoos, be kicked out of my house legally, be called for jury service, change my name, open a cheque account/get a VISA card, enter a contract, rent a property in my name, bet on sports/races, get married, sign myself out of class, join the army, and i'm sure there are plenty of other things i can do.

oh, what a world of opportunities!

i was so wanting to write about events of these past days. now i'm too lazy and i've lost all motivation to write those events.

sub-consciously i know it's better to leave it unpublished because .. well because.

or maybe that's just the excuse i'm sticking to because there are a lot of parts i don't really remember.

me and Breanne and a ghost from my past (an attractive one at that) smoked up and there's always little comments that make you laugh and you file it away in the brain and never remember them after that moment.

i wish i could remember. i love things that make me laugh. somehow it's depressing to think that these hilarious comments during a nice blaze are lost in the twilight zone, never to be found again.

as for the ghost of my past. i did not forget that. it's weird. definitely weird.

this is the last position i ever thought i'd be in. it's like fucking with my brain or something. like i've been rewinded.

i don't want it to be like a year ago though. i mean, it's so done! i should be moving on.
i think i'm in though. i think? we haven't discussed it and in no way am i bringing it up. i brought it up the other night when we were texting. i hate talking about it. i force myself to hate it because when i think about it i tend to create a DISASTER.

nobody likes disaster's.

i don't think i'll even mention his name. but it does start with a J.

LOL

January 4, 2008

Amelie was my favorite movie. I jsut watched it while being fully awake and all in one sitting.

I dont know how else to put it, but i am Amelie. I feel as though I am completely connected to her situation.

The way she imagined his hand in the doorway, then to see it was only her cat.
I cried. For her. For me. For the fact that she got him in the end. Their closeness in the end.. i could feel it on my skin.

Although i told myself no resolutions, i feel like i am wasting this opportunity at a new start. it's a false security. new starts can happen at any time in your life. i do not need the digit to increase by one in the year i am presently in to decide what needs fixing in my life. Just to get that straight. Now i can safely make some sort of resolution.
There has to be some trick to making a resolution. Nothing superficial though, it has to be general.

For 2008, my resolution will be to come into my own.

I said general, but it came out rather vague. No one can really be sure of what it means, but that's what's positive about it.

I am certain about this: i am lovesick. it's like i am so obsessed with the idea of love, that i will avoid anything pertaining to it. what an awful realization! what a difficult, lonely life i'll have.

a fish out of water. i need to get back in.

January 9, 2008

stand in the dark and alone. now think of all your worst nightmares.

"I am saddened to say that it is true that many of today's youth do not make an effort to understand that Che was not just a cool picture on the t shirt now available at urban outfitters. But I do not think that anyone has any real reason to dismiss his efforts. I think that anyone who believes so strongly in what they are doing should not be dismissed as "mediocre". He was a great man, whose life was cut short by troops trained by the CIA. He was also a true believer that everyone deserved the best. One of his right hand men told of a time when Che and his troops were crossing the mountains in Argentina. they had some cans of condensed milk, and they were handing them out for dinner. After everyone had received their can, there was one remaining. Che's men offered to give Che the extra can, but he not only refused it, but demanded that it be shared with everyone. he then gave everyone an extra spoonfull of the milk. Though this sounds like a small act, it was typical of his refusal to be glorified. Che Guevara is one of my heros, and to insult him is to insult the belief in the decency of humanity"

"Che's death was announced by the CIA the day before he actually died. In addition his parents lied about his birthdate to hide the fact that he was born out of wedlock. Thus, besides being the most sexy revolutionary of the twentieth century, both his birthday and death day are controversial."

so uh
i was looking for disadvantages on dictatorships. i was looking into Cuba and when i found that Fidel Castro has done nothing but good things for his country, i was dumbfounded.

why is everyone hating on the guy??
i mean, Cuba is so much better off now than it was before Castro came into power. he's been there for 40 bloody years!!! if everyone hated him so much, don't you think he would've been caught and hung by now? like all the other corrupt dictators in human history??

i've also realized that i'm beginning to be interested in Cuban history. a couple years ago i discovered who Che Guevara was, and i immediately loved him, but now i'm learning more and more about Cuba and it's government and stuff, and i just love everything to do with it!

it's too bad i'm done Social for the rest of my life. but that's how it is, i become interested once it's of no use to me.

i wish i was a young adult during the late 60's, early 70's.

recently i was watching an infomercial for this CD collection called Flower Power, songs from the Love Generation. i downloaded about 60 songs from that infomercial and decided i want to be a hippie.

of course there are some things that conflict with this. i, for one, believe strongly that peace is unattainable as long as humans are living. the world cannot progress with conflict. if cave men hadn't challenged each other's beliefs and theories in the Stone Age, where would we be today?

if we didn't have anything to prepare for, how technologically advanced would we be today?

about a week ago, i was brain-drizzling for ideas for my Free Press Ad which will be a part of my portfolio. i was in my room, legs up on the bed, dim lighting, Bob Marley playing in the back, and a pot of tea beside me. i figured that that right there was my zen. i came up with the following idea:

there may be wars and conflicts in the world for as long as we live, but if we each had our cup of tea, there'd be some zen in the world.

just picture yourself here...
You're in the middle of Hiroshima after the atomic bomb, everything's gone and dead. you are the only one standing in the middle of this wasteland. you take a seat in the imaginary chair and prop your legs up on the imaginary table. you take a sip of your tea and you feel it warm your insides as your heart becomes this warm cup of tea.

you are now pleasantly smiling in the presence of a disaster.

so with that said, let's face the fact that world peace is something only the Utopian world holds, and let's figure out a way to put ourselves at peace.. instead of the whole world.

i'm not sure what to do about him yet.

he made me feel SO HAPPY though. and i'm sure he meant every single word. i haven't wanted someone like that in a long time.

I just watched Highway, starring Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhal and Selma Blair. with some Jeremy Piven parts. my favorite character was Pilot, played by Jake. and it is now one of my favorite movies. FAVORITE MOVIE I'M TELLING YOU!

Pilot Kelson: Pop Quiz.
Jack Hayes: No.
Pilot Kelson: Come on. It's a quick one.
Jack Hayes: Go.
Pilot Kelson: What is 1,056 dicks?
Jack Hayes: A lot of dicks.
Pilot Kelson: Beep. Perfect Score. Gold star.

---

[as he has raw sex with Jilly Miranda]
Jack Hayes: Jack and Jilly went up the hilly to fetch a pale of water!

---

Johnny the Fox: A field... I need a field... A field in which to frolic!

---

Pilot Kelson: You are one daffy invididual!

---

Pilot Kelson: I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck.

---

Pilot Kelson: [after the alligator boy screams] That be a cry laden with pain and sorrow

---

Pilot Kelson: Desmond the alligator boy is a major happener

---

Pilot Kelson: When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys

---

Jack Hayes: Pop quiz.
Pilot Kelson: Go.
Jack Hayes: How much I owe you for helping me out?
Pilot Kelson: A gazillion.
Jack Hayes: Who's the major old-school happener?
Pilot Kelson: Piiilot.
Jack Hayes: How much longer we a team?
Pilot Kelson: Forever.
Jack Hayes: Beep... perfect score, gold star.

---

Jack Hayes: You bang her yet man?
Pilot Kelson: Not even close... if "Bangher" was an island off the coast of the Carribean, me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in Jersey

---

Jack Hayes: Can we just have 15 minutes of fun in our fucking miserable lives?
Pilot Kelson: Famous last words...

---

Pilot Kelson: [telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?

---

Pilot Kelson: So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, 'sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know?
[laughs]
Pilot Kelson: Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?

---

Shanks: [walks up to Pilot] You the boyfriend? You like alligator dick?
[touches Pilot's lips]
Shanks: Like to suck it?

---

Pilot Kelson: This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck!
Shanks: [turns to Jack] Is that what they call you? The God of Fuck? Tell me something... do you like to get fucked?

---

Cassie: That's pretty pathetic in my book.
Pilot Kelson: In your book? And what's the title of that book? Is it called 'Give Me A Hundred Bucks And I'll Suck Your Dick'? Cause I think I read that one, and it was... ooh... lurid.

Anarchism

I think young generations steer towards anarchy, because people come to an age where they want independence and more freedom. I think it's valid for people to feel this way but there would be absolute chaos without some sort of government or authority. It is human nature to want more than an individual already has, so this Utopian idea of anarchism is not possible. There needs to be some sort of authority in charge to keep things in order and safe. It's easy to want an anarchy because very rarely do we see genuine governments and leaders that have support from all the people. There is always a flaw in the current government s that people tend to focus on, leading them to be unhappy with any decision made by that government. This may cause them to believe that no government at all would make them happy. When in fact, no government would be worse than a leader who may abuse his power. Governments ensure safety and security of the people. Judicial systems are established, as well as police and hospitals.. basically everything needed to live.

I feel very strongly about the need for government. Anarchism could never work because humans aren't perfect.

i've always liked Red Hot Chili Peppers
but ever since i read that book, i think i will love them for the rest of my life.

i love how fun and out of control they are. i watch some of their music videos and you can tell they don't take things seriously, they're just there for the fun. and i love that.

they all seem to have their quirks to add.

and i can't forget how attractive Anthony Kiedis is. i have to include Flea, Chad and John Frusciante too!

ever since i watched Pulp Fiction, i've been obsessed with that style. it's so classic. movies are ridiculously influential. and music. films and music = totally influential.

i become a totally new person with every new film i watch or every new band i listen to. i go through these mind phases, i like to call them, where i have a mini epiphany until the next band or film i experience. for instance, after listening to Enya, Pilate or Coldplay, i become this philosophical persona. and ten minutes later i can listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers and decide to live life on the edge. whereas, after i listen to Mute Math i attain this chill, easygoing laid back ego. but then i listen to The Shins and become a green tea drinking, exercise loving, peace loving freak. after listening to some Justice, MSTRKRFT or Tiesto, i have this care-free nutso mind-set.

as for movies, i can watch Pulp Fiction and create an aura made of pure gold and bask in it's classiness. then i watch Garden State and become the same person i become when i listen to Coldplay or Pilate. watching Amelie is my favorite because i get so incredibly inspired and i get all artsy. instead, watching Requiem For A Dream creates a risky mind-set. but i become a hopeless romantic after watching Across The Universe.

you can see where i find it difficult to define who i really am. but it doesn't bother me so much. i love that movies and music do that to me. it's like putting on clothes in the morning.. what are my characteristics going to be today?

it's awesome.

as for new years resolution, mine is to have none. because i never follow through. i usually get everything done when i don't plan on it, so things should go smoothly if i don't plan or force them to.

for a few weeks now i've known deep down my calling, or destiny, on this earth. i haven't shared it yet so here it is, my declaration:

WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY.

there it is. my future, what i have been/will be striving for.
that's a pretty stressful thing for me to say, it makes me anxious. and nervous, but excited.

i think what i really want is to make people feel a certain way after they watch a film, just how films do it for me.

dear dirty laundry,

today i gathered a few white bed sheets and some funny looking chairs, the tripod and my tool of the trade (Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT), and with the cement floor and superb lighting in the basement, i snapped some shots.

earlier i studied a whole section in my Biology Key and in the unit review test i scored 83%!

on Driv3r i discovered a yacht in the middle of the ocean in Miami and i could open doors on it and everything, it was really nice, but nothing exciting, as i walked around with my gun prepared for people who clearly weren't there.

Heather came back from Hawaii today, she stole my brother away for the night so i'm here by my lonesome. i went into the basement and saw the "photoshoot" still in tact. the bed sheet on the floor... the bed sheet hanging on the back of two chairs... a funny looking chair in the center of attention as it was my muse at the time. i saw the tripod in it's position and i didn't feel lonely anymore.

that's what i want to do for the rest of my life.

if all computer systems were abolished, would the internet still exist ?


i studied for 5 hours today and i plan on the next 5 hours of studying, playing Driv3er, and relaxing. the next few days will consist of just these things.

on New Years Eve, December 31, i had a blood and urine test taken. icky
i didn't black out this time. i'm going to change my layout i think.
anyway, my appointment was at 9:15 in the morning, so naturally i went home afterwards and fell back to sleep. in those 2 hours i had the following dream.
i was at this house that had about 6 floors and i was staying there for a few days. now please take into consideration that this is a dream and it was a few days ago so things might be a little mixed up. i am recalling what i remember even if it didnt happen in this order. (not that anyone can prove me wrong or anything ha). so i unpack all my clothes and i have a ton of them. and i think my family had a lot of members sleeping in all the different rooms of this enormous house. and i think i had this huge musclehead boyfriend who played football (if you watch The Real World: Sydney, he resembles Dunbar. icky). anyways, i think he died at one point on the muddy field and i fell in love with someone else. and then back at the house there was a funeral for a stuffed animal and everyone attended that i have ever met or seen. the stuffed animal was laying in bed and there was this girl i know from dance who was in the bed too (but alive). after this weird funeral thing, my real family left from the parking lot and as we drove up the ramp there was a girl standing on the edge of the ramp and she was holding a gun to her head. it was 6:01 pm on New Years Eve (in the dream) and she jumped off and shot herself in mid-air. and i started bawling. in the dream my eyes were squeezed tight and i was crying.
i didn't know the girl but i woke up crying.

WEIRD.

2007 in a nutshell

JAN / 07
01 - not without coups. not without coups baby. my msn only works if i say fuck in my sentence.
02 - i am in love with him.
04 - i am without wisdom. i am swell. it won't stop bleeding. and i love Entourage.
05 - day one of my 12-day plan. i love Entourage.
09 - screw the 12-day plan. the earth is a mess and so are the people living in it.
10 - MY TEXT MESSAGING WORKS. wow i miss you.
12 - i'm sucha computer nerd.
13 - YES. i got permission from Jamie to steal her dirty laundry.
18 - biology studying? exceptionally well. biology final exam? exceptionally well. course change? Mr F for french YESSS
19 - listening does not mean agreeing.
21 - why yes, i am quite cynical when it comes to love.
22 - might as well call me Chandler and maybe i want to be immature. oh yeah, the math test..
24 - i just pulled out 30 eyelashes. that can't be good. there are some really beautiful people in this world.
25 - happy birthday to me. first person i talked to on this day? William Wynnyk. i am doomed.
26 - i definitely feel the Holy Spirit. do you?
27 - DAMN it's a good feeling knowing you're over someone. that shit was stupid.
29 - i think i have a Fever. HAHA wow i'm mildly lame..

FEB / 07
01 - semester two begins. this time, i'll have different motives and strategies. ones that lead to success.. possibly.
02 - "i'll show you mine if you show me yours first. let's compare scars, i'll tell you whose is worse." WHY DO I SEE THIS EVERYWHERE
04 - i am so ill i want to die. i wish i had a huge comfy rolly computer chair with armrests. like the villians in those tv shows.
06 - says she got it all, says she got it all, says got it. i don't wanna be the one to tell her that she don't.
08 - i love Headlights. i'm feeling light-headed.
11 - *sigh* four hours later and he's the cutest thing on the face of this earth. and i'm not scared to admit it. + my myspace profile looks so sweet. i am pleased.
12 - YESSS i have a valentine !! and his name is Jordan
13 - what happened to being straight with people and telling them straight up instead of broadcasting things in a clever way on their pages. like fuck.
17 - i am amazing. i got me and Will tickets to see The Killers in May. WHOO
18 - being caught in the middle sucks. i'm starting to hate high school. drama should only be for television. i'm considering a job as a director or something in film.
21 - what happened to please and thank you's ? you know, they're those things called manners ?? or maybe even a simple sincere act of appreciation.
24 - maybe i'm on a roll. and maybe i like it. maybe i might even love it. and to The OC : always remembered means never forgotten; rest in fucking peace.
25 - maybe i'm missing the point entirely.
27 - it was cute. to say the least.
28 - last day of February. i watched ANTM. my favorite is definitely Jael. and Kathleen made me laugh. too bad she's gone.

MAR / 07
01 - ahhhh controversy =) i am proposing a toast at Julie and Mark's wedding when they decide to get married. i'm pretty excited.
02 - 15 hours of driver's education with Brittany!! WHOO!!!
03 - 15 hours of in class driver's ed finally fucking done. i swear contemplated suicide.
06 - i love Alyssa with possibly my entire heart. and tumbleweed as well
07 - i think a change in setting and atmosphere is definitely needed for me at this time. i'm so bored
08 - i can't breathe.
09 - season finale of Dancelife. OH NO
10 - i want to marry Mortal Kombat. and make babies with it.
12 - hold your math book and feel the vibrations.
13 - awesome work out today. i'm quite proud of myself. LOCKDOWN. at least .. i'll.. die.. happ.. y
15 - what a day i tell ya. what a day. my fingers fucking HURT
21 - y'know i'm pretty speechless right now
23 - why do movies get to me. i mean, WHO CRIES FOR THE LITTLE GIANTS. i re-arranged the decor in my bedroom again. there is something seriously wrong with me.
25 - i love Beverly and the person who lives in it. B<3
27 - I HAVE LONG HAIR. compliments of Breanne. it's snowing. and my mom washed the windows yesterday LOL
29 - you know it's couture if you can see nipples.
30 - Will Ferrell day.
31 - FUCK how depressing. so depressing. Sam Roberts is kind of attractive. i love when people smoke cigarettes in movies.

APR / 07
01 - 8 hours of television. yessss. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS.
02 - my heart hurts.
05 - long time. i miss Pablo with my whole heart.
07 - i saw 300 it was amazing amazing amazing and now i'm bored. i thin k it could be destructive.
08 - why is easter on a different day every year. i feel so restricted. i'll break it to him when he gets back i'm thinking. i'm still totally & completely confused.
10 - SNOW PATROL AND OK GO ARE FUCKING AWESOME
11 - why do i feel like the biggest idiot in the world. FUCK, that was so totally uncalled for.
12 - i love those Malteser commercials. SO CUTE
13 - it's Friday the 13th and all i can think of is "light up, light up". but not sung by Snow Patrol...
14 - happy crime anniversary. WHOO
18 - i think it's really funny how all his friends hate me LOL
20 - 4/20 !!! blaze
21 - i didn't know soap could run so fast.
26 - "you've got blackmail". PABLO called me last night! ahhh he makes me so happy.
27 - anxiety.... GOD i hate that lonely feeling. get friendly with a pipe.
28 - i'm liking this niche.
29 - there is a huge mother fucking mosquito in my room and i'm afraid it's going to suck me to death one of these days. why can't we have summer weather instead of summer PESTS.

MAY / 07
02 - "let's get some shoes"... walking in Zellers with Olga and Breanne. can't believe i said that. DAMN what is UP with the new techno/rave crazeeee?!
03 - starting over
04 - bomb threat! crazzzy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BREANNA I LOVE YOU
07 - AHH we can't find Baby =(
11 - another bomb threat. and i lost my bus pass. when you're stuck on a roof you realize how much you take the ground for granted.
13 - i hate immature fags who play immature games and think they're real cool.
14 - i've never been so smitten before. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PABLO I LOVE YOU come back to edmonton i miss you =(
18 - third evacuation. this is crazy. Shrek 3 kinda sucks.
19 - get friendly with a pipe.
21 - i love Enrique Iglesias.
22 - fourth evacuation.
23 - THE KILLERS WITH BREANNA> BEST TIME OF MY LIFE, COULDNT ASK FOR A BETTER EVENING.
24 - my head weighs about 50 lbs., i can't speak. i hate being sick !
30 - i am painstakingly consistantly inconsistant. and mighty impulsive ! oh no!
31 - THIEF!

JUN / 07
01 - oh glorious sun, how i love Beverly Hills 90210. i need an 80 GB pod immediately or i may have a breakdown.
02 - two J's.
06 - i love where i'm at right now. i did the right thing a while back.
07 - what's resin? protein. plastic. ok so plastic or protein.
09 - my brother has pretty sweet friends. Oliver designed his own pipe. got into a bar with Rachelle's ID =) Kelsey has a sweet penthouse, Jeff has a sweet room. and he's cute.
13 - why are you all up in my koolaid when you dont even know my flava?
15 - i handed in my resume, ten minutes later got a call for an interview, went to the interview and got hired. all under an hour. where, you ask? SECOND CUP.
19 - done done done done done done done done done done done done done done YAY.
21 - i love my brother. i've worked 13.5 hours in the past 2 days. i won't see my brother 'til August 30 =(
22 - i want some eggos. it's 4 pm in London right now... a five dollar bill flew away at drive-thru, i forgot the lid on the blender twice, and i dealt with angry customers. i wish i was with my brother =(
23 - i'm listening to ABBA. and i'm loving it. i work with an Edward Norton look-a-like. heaven.
27 - i've been thinkin 'bout my doorbell, when you gonna ring it?

JUL / 07
03 - i'm back =)
05 - i love that. i've made someone feel better about their situation.
09 - blonde. haven't felt this way since i was 15.
13 - it's Friday. first paycheck yeah. almost 500 bucks !
15 - Mark Wahlberg should marry me.
21 - came back from Vancouver yesterday. rainy all week but fun nonetheless.
22 - i am currently a thousand-aire. because of this, i'm sure i will be taken advantage of soon.
23 - lemon detox here we go.
25 - it better fucking be uphill from here.
27 - day 5. oh god.
31 - a cousin was born today. his name's Adriano.

AUG / 07
04 - my dad is 60 today.
06 - most things i do are a result of complete procrastination.
09 - oh my goodness! i graduate next year. who on earth am i going to go to PROM with?!?!
10 - i just scheduled my first tanning session. i've given in to the pressures of the media.
11 - i have just discovered the meaning of life. his name is Neil Cicierega.
14 - i have a crush on a Jahova's Witness, i make coffee for a hustler and the Hills is through the roof dramatic.
15 - by the time September 1st rolls by, i will have worked 229.5 hours this summer. times that by 8 and you will see how rich i really am. not including tips, thank you very much.
20 - it's ironic how one's name was Fidel, and yet did not possess a morsel of fidelity within his being.
22 - SUPERBAD. Michael Cera is pretty cute.
24 - i'm ready for a total rearrange.
27 - a little getting used to... never hurt anyone.
28 - is it possible that i'm in love someone on the other side of this country?
29 - sometimes i think, that in the future, i will do something totally absolutely completely insane, out of character, out of this world crazy, that it will determine the rest of my life from that moment on.
30 - it hasn't really occurred to me until now,

SEP / 07
02 - i love my brother. best nerd dancer hands down.
03 - two different emotions found on opposite sides of the spectrum, sometimes i'm not sure which side is worse.
07 - i'm not sure anymore. that is, i'm not sure who.
10 - the french man asked my name and tipped me a dollar.
11 - "i am totally in it right now."
14 - we got high and drunk in a boat in the west end. special people were involved.
16 - the search for random always finds me the best, music that is.
18 - student driver no more!
19 - procrastination levels are at an all time high.
22 - i am an imperfectionist. that's what i learned from reading my sweater.
23 - hype machine = life saver.
24 - there was a bomb threat in Beverly Hills 90210 today. i can totally relate.
26 - saw Tyler at northgate again. i miss him.
27 - i'm so lovesick. and i have been for awhile. i think about him all the time =(
29 - my mom is the only person who e-mails me. i love her.

OCT / 07
01 - why do girls have to wear extra long extensions, and straighten them incredibly straight. it looks so fake.. what happened to the natural look ?
03 - club fit is my new best friend. it's just so easy.
05 - i almost died when Drew was drifting tonight.
09 - oh well what can you do. it was worth a try.
10 - i'm pretty sure, at this point in time, that in order to evolve in a positive direction, one must swallow their pride. apologies were due, and i sincerely meant them.
12 - only a matter of time before moving on makes a full circle and leaves you back at the beginning.
17 - i'm working on it. 30 all the way down to 18.
20 - Jim Sturgess <3
25 - happy right here.
31 - it's Halloween. i not only dressed, but i also acted as myself today. didn't even straighten my hair.

NOV / 07
03 - Fernando Pisani came through our drive thru today. and i took his order. OMG.
07 - a confidence booster.
08 - extreme measures are crucial right now. my future is at stake and i won't let it wash away like the many tears i cried tonight.
11 - planning doesn't help the execution of dreadful things, so i created the Fleeting Second Method... a hopeful mindset.
12 - Kenny Wormald makes me weak in the knees.
13 - who will be our modern day revolutionary?
18 - crystal beaches never turned me on.
19 - i'm so excited for Grad now.
20 - i was invisible today. motion censored doors wouldn't even open for me.
23 - People like myself should never be given the opportunity to analyze and figure out their feelings. Especially publicly.
26 - high school is a joke. and so are the people. i can't wait for it to be over.
29 - i didn't know butterflies came out in the winter time. but they did.

DEC / 07
01 - complication is my claim to fame.
02 - my brother is 22 today. my mother is 51. happy birthday!
05 - it'll happen. and when it does, i won't ever feel like this again.
06 - hot chocolate everyday.
07 - he was the nicest he's ever been. i felt like i had a true friend.
14 - hopefully on my own in a new setting, next year.
17 - lame lame lame. the only person i have emotional attachment to at this point is BB.
18 - i can't put the book down. i love you, Anthony Kiedis.
22 - emotional attachment, OH NO! lol
26 - i worked a lot on my children's book today. i really really really love AK. he's my favorite famous person right now.
27 - i finished Scar Tissue today.
30 - i started reading 'Che'.
31 - i didn't pass out this time! .. i'm talking about the blood test.

Aquarius - Wednesday December 26, 2007

Your intuition has probably been very strong of late, and you may have even had some very powerful dreams recently. You shouldn't be afraid to figure out where you'd like to go and then follow your intuition in the coming days to help you get there.

Christmas went well. i cannot use my phone as a conversation starter, that's for sure, because i got a new one that doesn't need a bobby pin antenna. i got the GOLD LG shine phone. yes, it's gold. most people think its hideous, i, for one, think it's incredible. reminds me of the 60s, pulp fiction era, old fashioned.. gold brick. very classy.

today me and Daniel went to Heather's empty condo to do some work. we used her scanner to scan my big sketches for my children's book. he showed me how to do different stuff on Adobe InDesign to edit my sketches. it's really sweet and i finished the basic edits. i still have to add color and play around with text and stuff. i can't wait.
after spending about three hours there, we went to Phobulous, a vietnamese restaurant. it was really good. then we came home and watched some tv, read a little bit, i worked some more on my portfolio while watching Good Will Hunting.

i think Breanne might sleep over tomorrow night. and we can finally watch American History X, i've been wanting her to see it for SO long because it's one of my favorites, but i want to see it with her so she's been waiting a while.

i'm not really sure what else to write. the best things come unexpectedly, so next time i have some sort of crazy idea, i'll write it in my GOLD LG shine cellphone notepad and save it =)

Breanne gave me my Christmas present today. i opened it at home and inside the box was a really really sweet cover for my iPod and a huge book on Che Guevara. once i'm done reading Scar Tissue, i'll start reading Che. i can't wait.

the best part of the present, however, was the card. it was a picture of us that was photoshopped so it didn't really look like us. on it, this is was typed:

"For the hidden depths of dusty parkades and the highest rooftops beside the sun,
For apple perfume and perpetual matching
For Brenda and Kelly, Steve and Brandon
And maybe a little for Dylan,
For memories and motives, and of course for Mortal Kombat:
The world is ours for the taking,
and only your mom will stop us!"

the hidden depths of dusty parkades refers to our smoking spot in the Kingsway parking lot
the highest rooftops beside the sun refers to the time we climbed onto the roof of her garage and sunbathed.. and later got stuck on the roof.
the apple perfume refers to the candy apple perfume we were introduced to at Sears.
the perpetual matching refers to our similarities. people have called us twins/sisters before.
the Brenda, Kelly, Steve, Brandon and Dylan refer to the characters on Beverly Hills 90210, a show she introduced to me, and a show we are equally obsessed with.
Mortal Kombat refers to our matches in the game on Sega.
and my mom in there refers to how strict she is.

to conclude, the poem is really good and very touching. i laughed and wanted to cry and i love her.

it's been ok.

i found a book that i am totally obsessed with. it's called Scar Tissue, story of the life of Anthony Kiedis. i've made a vow to myself that i will always have a book to read. i really miss reading, i used to do a lot of it. and my life just seems more complete when i can look forward to a good read.

i did more Christmas shopping these past weeks than i have in my whole life. i have been de-scrooged, in a way. not that i don't like Christmas (because it is by far my favorite holiday during my favorite season), but i used to be so commercial about it. the presents and all. my mom has taken away my presents and i didn't even care. i just love Christmas so much that it's not even about presents anymore. i love the excitement and anticipation. and the snow outside and the drive to my aunt's for Christmas dinner.

i was sitting on the bus one morning last week, reading Scar Tissue and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers on random. i got to a part where Anthony Kiedis was feeling depressed in his car and he started writing a song right then. he wrote the lyrics and just as i started reading the lyrics (Under The Bridge), the song was on and as my brain interpreted the words on the page, it also interpreted the words i was hearing. it was a complete coincidence that gave me the biggest smile. i love Anthony Kiedis.

as for my current personal relationships. i can safely and confidently say that Breanne is my best friend. i haven't been able to call someone a best friend in awhile. i'm kind of walk through the hallways of my school as un-distinguished. i'm definitely not those out there type of people, i'm not cut out for that constant bubbliness of a life, and i don't really go out of my way for people. i just stick to my own, do my own stuff and move on. and i'm happy that Breanne and me have become as close as we have. i think it's important to have something like that for me. and she's not ditzy or shallow. she's definitely got a deep personality and she's into light-hearted fun. we're very similar and the differences we have only help by presenting other perspective's on things. we can be very philosophical sometimes and then we can be completely not.

for example, we were at Kingsway mall and i was buying my mom some vacuum bags at Sears. the lady working in the Vacuum department was ridiculously gorgeous.. here is the conversation that followed:

Christine- i don't understand when good looking people work in shitty places.
Breanne- maybe it's a part time job.. but she really is good looking.
Christine- yeah she really is. i don't think there's anything wrong with her.
Breanne- everyone has something wrong with them.. and if there isn't, they always find something.
Christine- i think she's perfect.
Breanne- i'll find something...
(after talking to her)
Breanne- her mouth.
Christine- her mouth? are you kidding me? whats wrong with it?
Breanne- it protrudes a little bit
Christine- i think it contributes to how gorgeous she is. if all her features were standardly beautiful, she wouldn't be that attractive.
Breanne- yeah i guess you're right. bitch.

i guess i have emotional attachment to Breanne. see, i was thinking about how if i get into ACAD next year and move to Calgary, it wouldn't be difficult because i don't really have any emotional attachment to anyone. and then i evaluated my friendship with Breanne, and it definitely is something i would miss.. she kinda grew on me and i didn't even realize it.

i spent $70 on her Christmas present... i don't think i've ever spent that much on a friend. but i guess that's what happens when you're employed haha..

as for men. i think it's important in a relationship with a guy that silence is comfortable. silence says a lot if you think about it. comfortable silences say that the two separate parties don't feel the need to entertain one another constantly. it has a bigger impact i think.
anyways.. there's always someone i think about more often than not, but like most of the time, it goes away in a few months, nothings ever permanent, it seems. it can be unfortunate.

but to look on the brighter side, it's Christmas eve eve in about two minutes!

Your heartbeat is pulsing at night in your chest
It's gold and it's glowing with all the life you have left
I received your words from hospitals where you felt alone
Your words like smoke, they made me sick but they kept me warm

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias

Your eyes are like sea glass, so weathered and worn
From all they've seen of adolescence torn
The lovers who have tainted you, they pulled you into the night
They touched your skin with velvet gloves and made you feel alive

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade

You are weathered and worn
Your petals soft and torn
The fading color
You have bent your shoulders
To hold the weight of the world
You will surely shatter

Run where you'll be safe
Through the garden gates
To the shelter of magnolias
There's not much time
The blush in the sky begins to fade

"Ready for a role reversal in a relationship? You're about to realize the tides have changed."

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

there are some things in this world that, even though you want to find flaws within, are purely joyful. they're those things, objects, people or moments that if even for a minute, seem incomprehensibly irreplacable.

He simply said i was pretty, said he'd always be there for me. She went shopping with me, we laughed, we watched television together and talked about the random things in this world that make it so unique yet beautiful.
sitting here, curled up on my couch with genetics worksheets on my lap, i cannot help but sing out loud the lyrics to all my favorite Coldplay songs. That is, precisely, when i realized those joyful moments in life. it may feel like the world is on my shoulders. it may feel like i have no escape, like i have a million things i should be doing. it may feel like my whole life is determined in this one short year but i sit nice and warm on my couch and sing. i sing loud so potential passerbys can hear these pure words and know that within those walls there is a girl who despite the wrongs in life, is experiencing bliss that nobody can take away from her.

it was then i realized how incredibly amazing Coldplay is. their melodies, and lyrics, the paino, drums, his voice, seem so unlike anything else in this world. who is so in touch with emotions and humans to be able to put such ridiculously powerful words together? if ones heart could talk, it would recite Coldplay lyrics.

some songs create an image in my mind of someplace or someone, and despite the bitter or resentful feelings that lay so close to my surface, i feel happy. the sadness is suddenly not so bad.

the songs spark emotion in me and whatever emotion it is, it's OK. it's been years and for words and harmonies to still give me a sense of self, of surroundings, of my heart, of my mind... it's something that cannot be expressed in words. it must be experienced.

Come on can’t I dream for one day
There’s nothing that can’t be done
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone

I’ve lived through my share of misfortune
And I’ve worked in the blazing sun
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone.

Because it’s dragging me down
I’d like to know about when
When does it all turn around

Cause I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never.
Can I break the spell of the typical.
The typical
I’m just the typical
Can I break the spell of the typical

i weighed myself this morning. i lost 5 pounds =D

we texted until 2 in the morning and he said the sweetest things that gave me butterflies. is that weird??
i've known him for over 3 years and we liked each other the summer before grade 9 and i kind of shut him down when i told him i liked someone else. our relationship was the never the same after that.. it's always on and off. i can never really trust him because he's played with my head in the past. a lot of the time he would just tell me mean things and i'd tell him to fuck off, only to be talking to him a few months later.

then i realized he's only telling me the truth and i didn't want to believe it so i told him to fuck off.

he's being really nice and i really like talking to him. he even said i was pretty.

i had my first personal conversation with God two nights ago.

he was there for me

i felt like i had two true friends today. and that's the best feeling in the world.

after school i went shopping with Breanne and bought myself a pair of dark brown boots, a pair of really nice jeans, and a dark purple paisley scarf *love*

then at 4 i went to work and so did Breanne. after work i went to her house until 11 and we just watched television and talked.

she's someone i truly love. when i'm with her, it's just like.. amazing. we always have so much to talk about and it's so much fun. she has all the best qualities a friend could ask for, and she is an awesome person to consult when having important text conversations.

which brings me to Brian. today he made me so happy.
do you ever get those moments when you feel like pond scum and then the right person says the right thing at that moment??
thats what Brian did, i was ridiculously sad, and he sent me a text right before i could have had a breakdown. we talked and i told him i was lonely, he said he was too.

this morning he asked me if i was still sad. he told me he would give me a hug and that me and him are tight friends. he said he'll always be there for me and i'll always be there for him. and then he told me if i ever need to talk i can call him.

i hadn't felt so happy in a very long time.

Domenico got kicked off!!! if i was Tila, which fortunately i am not, i would have kept him until the very end.

he was so cool and literally, ridiculously cute.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
-i thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

...i completely failed to be a best friend and i ruined something that some people wish they could have.
wouldn't it be nice if we could blame every problem we have on something out of our control? i need to take control of my situations, problems, difficulties, flaws etc. so i can fix them.

i've been by myself. it's odd. i came home today totally happy, telling myself that "i don't rely on anyone, and no one relies on me."
and then it hits me. i walk into my room and he had sent me a text message asking if i wanted to talk today.
hell yes i do. i want to talk to my best friend who lives on the other side of the country because i know he'll make me feel better.

one day i'll have that. it'll happen one day and i won't ever have to feel like this again.

i wish he still lived here so we could fall in love with each other.

my horoscope said "time to stop making excuses for someone. just because you want them to be a good person doesnt mean they are." this would have been completely accurate one year ago.

i'm not sure of myself. i really never was. i'm this alien to everyone. i've created this life in my mind, this world of pre-conceived notions about everyone. i think people are who i expect them to be, when they're really not. it makes me awkward and i can't have decent conversations because i make them this big intimidating person in my world.

he intimidates me. i can barely look at him in the face when i see him.. although i wish i could stare all day long. he doesn't know what he's missing, but he will.

i used to think better of him, and on some level i still do think the same of him, but it's like there's this force field or something. i turn red and feel like i may break into hives.

i could stare at him all day

he told me he wants to meet me again. i told him he will. and he said, "i know i will, and then i'll show you how i feel about you."

Montreal is so far away when you're as little and helpless as me.

it's me.

i am watching Jumanji with my brother. it's an ok movie. before that i finished watching Babel. i'm not really sure how to interpret that movie. it seemed a little bit pointless, i definitely wasn't everything i thought it would be.
a movie i really want to see is Green Street Hooligans but i can't find it anywhere. it's upsetting. i really hate that. there's a bunch of movies i would love to see, and once i get to the movie store, i can't seem to think of any of them. and the one movie i remember every single time, they never have.

me, my brother and Jocelyn rented Babel Thursday night. she bought me a lollipop. i still haven't finished it. i like to consider it a working progress.

i also started reading this book that my mom just finished reading. it's called "Eat, Pray, Love." about a woman who moves to Italy for four months to eat, then moves to India for four months to meditate, and then to Indonesia for four months where she meets her new husband. i forgot to mention that this travelling all takes place after her divorce, and it's all a true story. i really like it so far. i recommend it to you, whoever is reading this.

my mom says the only way i'll be comfortable with speaking Italian is if she sends me there by myself for 3 months. i've been there 7 times before, and i know how to speak it, but i never speak it. i get shy and i hate messing up so i don't really like speaking it. i would totally go to Italy by myself for 3 months under these conditions: 1) i had someone direct me through airports because they're intimidating and i'd get lost in Frankfurt for SURE, 2) i didn't visit family the whole time.

by the second condition, i mean i would want to go all over Italy, and not just stay in my mom's town where my family and friends are. that's when i tend to bottle up and not show my personality. i'm just afraid my family won't understand who i am if i attempted to show my personality more than i already do.

plus, when i'm in Italy i always wish i could meet people and flirt, you know, but my friends in Tuenno are all so tightly knit and everyone knows everyone so if i even attempted to get close with one of the guys, the whole town may find out by the next morning.

on another note, i had my graduation photos yesterday. it started with me really not wanting to go, i showed up with a nice shirt and then i had sweatpants tucked into my soccer socks on the bottom. i refused to take full body shots. the make up artist sat me down and powered my face. and all the while i was thinking about the particles of oil and grease and skin cells of the previous person nesting into my own skin.

but once it came down to it, i was sitting in front of the camera with all lights on me and she gave me a mirror and i couldn't believe how awesome i looked. my last picture i had the hat on and she passed me a mirror to see me with the hat and i half-gawked at my reflection. i looked really good, and i looked like a graduate. neither of those realizations i couldn't bring myself to believe.

she took about twenty shots. now i just need to graduate.

i was at school and in the hallway by the library there was a table set up and they were selling styrofoam cups of green juice. they were drugged but i can't remember if i was aware of it or not. i bought one. and then i drank it. i was with Alyssa at her locker when everything started getting blurry and things were in slow motion. people's conversations were dulled and dragging on.

and then i woke up 10 minutes late and i stumbled around and ran into the coffee table, and then ran into my couch until i finally made it into my closet.

what the hell kind of a dream is that.

on the news there was this lady talking about this huge fire she was in and how she lost everything.
i barely paid attention and later thought that if i was her, i wouldn't want to be interviewed just to be half-watched by fortunate families eating their dinner of shrimp pasta.

when i finish this post, i am going to read my posts one year ago and see exactly when i snuck out of the house with Joe.

I took a quiz on Facebook called "Which Entourage character are you?"

I'm Ari Gold. i love him. i miss him. i miss that show.

What Type of Chick Am I?

Down to earth Chick

Sometimes you can be a complete mystery but over all you are down to earth. You are smart and you have a great personality. People are attracted to you but you are careful about who you let into your life. You don't ask for a lot out of relationships but you do expect respect, honesty,trust, and values.

i am so bored!

i didn't know butterflies came out in the winter time. but they did.

i get to spend time with my cousin from Calgary tonight YES
this weekend we're going out for my brother and mother's birthday YES
snowboarding this weekend YES
there's snow on the ground YES
it's almost Christmas YES
diploma's are soon.

i'm not sure what it is, but i enjoy being alone.

most of the time, i enjoy sitting on my bed with Boots curled up beside me while i study and do my homework. i get this feeling of accomplishment, like the cloud over my head is gone.

it's like the time of day i can be myself.

i know there's probably no one out there who likes study time like i do.

recent days have been filled with reconciliations, reunions.

Nicole wants me to write more so she can read more. i have found an unusual niche in my life right now, that involves me being the most reasonable and responsible that i have ever been.

it's an odd personality change.

possible reasons for this change:
- last year of high school
- the real world next year, when none of this will matter
- my brother's speeches on how i should just buckle down this year and get through this bull shit

my social life is at a critical low this year, and i couldn't be happier. there probably is something wrong with me.

"People probably think i'm this emotional philosophical mess due to all my journal writing. People like myself should never be given the opportunity to analyze and figure out their feelings. Especially publicly."
by me.

when i'm awake, i might as well be sleeping. i'm becoming more and more speechless, but i'm fine with it.

if i don't plan to do something i most likely will do it, but it seems when i plan to do something, my subconscious does everything possible to avoid it.

i have to think about it for a fleeting second and forget about it, then walk a block in my house until i sit down comfortably in a temporary oasis and decide upon heads and tails in my mind, making both heads and tails the exact same thing, whichever i choose, which ultimately doesn't really matter, i should spontaneously do, although a period of time ago, i thought about it for a fleeting second.

that's how i should live my life, because if i plan to do dreadful things like studying, i will never do them.. unless i use the Fleeting Second method. if i plan things i love to do, as you all know, i will do them.


i don't speak English, i speak non-sense after long periods of study time.

i need to seriously buckle down or hell is going to freeze over.

i am confined to my house, school, work and the gym for the next few months and i'm happy about it. i am almost 18, and it's about time i focus on important things in life.

7 week until Diploma exams. i just need to suck it up and get my 80's and forget about everything else. friends, my social life, and fun are not nearly as important as my studies right now. i just need to get through this bull shit so i can get to the really good stuff next year. i just need to keep going and study my brains out.

i talked to Fernando Pisani yesterday, of course i didn't know it was him until Mitch told me it was later on. this was our conversation:

C: Hi, welcome to Second Cup what can we get for you?
FP: Hi, do you have any banana nut muffins left?
C: Give me a second, i'll go check.
...
C: we don't right now, sorry.
FP: do you have walnut muffins?
C: we have morning glory muffins, which have pieces of walnut on top
FP: does it have other nuts?
C: ya it does
FP: ok, i'll take two of those, and a small hot chocolate
C: did you want whip cream on that?
FP: no thanks
C: ok see you at the window.


OMG I KNOW

today is Halloween. and i am sitting here watching America's Next Top Model and doing sit ups during commercials.

i don't know if it's my exercise routines, or that i'm giving my friend (and also, myself, in a way) love life advice almost everyday, but i've become very at ease with things. i am totally believing my own words when i say them, and nothing could make me happier.

sometimes i feel so beyond high school, so beyond the things that happen around me that...

oh fuck, now there's a commercial. and now i've lost my train of thought.


on another note, i took a quiz on Facebook and i am the epic hero of King Kong. i think it's all the love based answers i gave. it's true. i think about it a lot. i just really wish i had someone around that i genuinely liked and cared about in that sort of way.

maybe it's too much to ask at this point in time. or maybe it's just the way God is intending it to be, so i can focus on more important things, like finishing my children's book. WHICH, is going really really good.

i'm calling Pablo on Friday. goodnight

i worked tonight. didn't feel much like work than it was "chill out with your friends" time. lots of people stopped by and i probably spent a little too much time talking to them rather than actually working. it's ok, though. i am on the rise to becoming an honour student once again, my children's book is set, and my social life is flourishing despite my one month grounding.

of course, there's always room for improvement. as me and my brother discussed today in the car, people who think creatively like us and designers, are never satisfied with what we do. i told him more about my blog, he was aware i had one, but i went into more detail this time. i told him how my old blog is absolutely embarrassing to read, as it reflects just how much of a 15 year old i really was, and he said he feels the same way about looking at his past projects in University and that it's amazing that i am aware of my "evolving" as a person. he said it's really cool that i am able to write in my blog like this, and be constantly documenting my growth and maturity and also being aware of it.

it made my heart smile =)

on another note, we just watched a movie called "Blow" with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. was a pretty intense movie. it's a crazy thought, when people actually live through things like what George Jung lived through.

anyways, my fortune cookie is telling me to not get carried away, so i'll finish this here.

i saw Across The Universe last night and even though i'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, i absolutely loved it. i fell in love with it right away. well, with Jim Sturgess, anyways....

i got my paycheck today. was in the 300's, so i was pretty happy, considering i spent a little over half of that on a haircut and dye last week. i've come to realize that i'm not sure i like my hair long as much as i thought i would. Heather told me my face has structure, so it looks good with short hair. and the way Amy G (my hairdresser) cut it made me want to just chop it. but i've agreed that i won't cut my hair short until i lose weight and/or graduation is done.

i downloaded some new soundtracks: Pan's Labryinth and Amelie. they are really really good. i would recommend them to anyone who actually appreciates music, and doesn't listen to shit =)

here's the update on my children's book: i've drawn out some various characters, i think i've narrowed it down to one character, and i'm basing the story on Grace Kelly by Mika. SWEET HEY?

it's gonna be a cute one

i fucking hate it when people say woot woot

i'm feeling really anxious again.

my brother is in the basement, my parents are gone. i feel like the only person in the world for a few minutes. that's when i feel the most anxiety. i don't know what it is. my stomach tightens, like it's being tied in a knot, and i want so badly to be in the middle of the city. or to be with the love of my life, whoever that may be. it makes me want to be in a car with the window open, with my favorite music playing, and even if the wind is cold against my skin, i couldn't care less.

i feel anxious when i seem to be forgotten. when i want to create something spectacular. when i can't seem to pick the right song. or when i picture the love of my life, whoever that may be, doing whatever they may be doing at this precise moment.

it's when i pick the perfect song, and it makes me want to yell out the lyrics, but i bask by myself in the lonely lamp light that fills my room.

it's when i see the pictures from Italy beside my keyboard and want to be there right now. so much it hurts along with everything else i may be feeling.

sometimes at night if my window is open and i can hear dogs outside, i close my eyes tight and think about the noises i hear in Italy. the dog in the alley. i make it so realistic. i make myself excited for the adventures to take place the next day, the ones that will vanish once i sit up in bed and realize i'm still at home.

i get anxious when i want to watch a million different movies at the same time. i can't decide which movie will be perfect, and once i pick the perfect one, i quickly realize it's not how perfect the movie is, it's how perfect the person next to you is.

anxiety is when i can relate perfectly to the lyrics of that song. i get anxious when i'm cold, when my hands are so cold i can barely write. or when i'm so warm and cozy, wishing i was being embraced with someone else's body heat and not my own.

it's the feeling i get when i think about reality. thinking about the next ten years of my life, and when those ten years are finished, i will be expected to have a husband. or have a degree and a steady career, my own place with a fireplace and kitchen. possibly expecting a child, who knows?
i could be living in Europe, or New Zealand. or i could be renting out my old house in Beverly, wishing i was still as tall as that old piece of tape on the wall.

the thing is, .. well i'm not really sure what the thing is. it's hard to choose my words when i can't even choose my feelings.

i think i have to focus on a time when i was truly happy. truly at ease. but even this is hard because happy memories can be depressing.

i think the times when i'm happy without any strings attached is when i sing the lyrics to all my favorite songs, while my attention is diverted to something my hands are doing.. like drawing or writing or doodling or even doing homework.

or maybe this Enrique Iglesias music is getting to me

only a matter of time before moving on makes a full circle and leaves you back at the beginning.

i'm pretty sure, at this point in time, that in order to evolve in a positive direction, one must swallow their pride. apologies were due, and i sincerely meant them.

so like yuh

for my first portfolio project, i'm going to design and write a children's book.

i am so excited.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

i've been looking into ACAD (alberta college of art and design) for next year. i looked at all their first year courses and such. i'm so used to seeing all these things as options. it's gonna be so weird.

part of me wants to go to Calgary, to get out of here and start fresh somewhere else, be on my own, meet new people and such. but it's so scary. i have no idea what i'm going to do.