super freak

kay so i woke up this morning
went to Italian School, and actually put some effort into my appearance, which i usually don't on Saturday morning, i pretty much roll out of bed and put my contacts in. but today i felt like i could take on the world. no that's a lie, but i have decided that i will put as much effort into my look as possible because i realized a few weekends ago, when i was working with Stephanie, that if i look really good, i tend to be happier to do things, like chores and what not. so anyways, i get to italian school, and Luca Marco Joe and Vince are playing Scopa (an italian card game) and Luca looks over to me and is like "wow you don't look half bad today." haha, what a greeting, but i knew it was true so i agreed. italian school's weird for me, one of my really good friends goes there too. her name's Elisse, i've known her.. like.. the minute she was born pretty much. her birthday is this month. she's really sweet, though, we're not like best friends, but her dad and my mom grew up in Italy together and our parents are part of the same Italian club (no, it's not the Mafia). we have home videos of when we were first-borns together. it's actually really sweet to have that kind of relationship with someone. anyways, she's pretty much who i hang out with Saturday mornings, and my mafia of course. the only 4 guys in our class, and pretty much the only 4 guys who have been in my class since i was 9. i never really talk to the other girls though, i mean, even if the guys are busy playing cards, and Elisse isn't there, i feel more comfortable just being a loner than talking to them haha. damn i'm so superficial.

so yeah, since it was interviews, my mom came at 11:30 to see my teacher and then i went home. i didn't have dance because my ballet teacher was at her sister's wedding, and she couldn't get a sub, so class was cancelled. so i went home, and locked myself in my room of course. my whole day has been filled with movies and chemistry. i've watched four movies on my computer. Material Girls, Thirteen, Save The Last Dance 2 (yeah it exists), and John Tucker Must Die. it's on this really sweet site i am now addicted to. it's got TONS of awesome movies, and i can't wait to watch all of them. yes, that's right. i'm determined to watch all of them.
eventually, of course.
wow, i'm such a freak haha. but i've never been happier. my parents went to my aunt's tonight while i was watching John Tucker, so i was home alone, and i went out to the kitchen to scavenge for some food, and i opened the fridge and there was a huge thing of chopped up carrots and celery and broccoli. and it just made my heart swell, i spoke to the emptiness and said "oh mother, i love you." yes, i said it out loud and then i thought "if only she could hear me say these things...maybe i should send her a text message telling her how much i love her. she might think i'm psycho though. i swear i'm bi polar." yes, those thoughts went through my head. we were in the car today, and we had this heated conversation about school and i ended up getting so incredibly angry at her i was yelling. so i turned my music up and then five minutes later i see a happy face drawn onto a street sign and i start laughing. and she's like, whats so funny. and i tell her and i'm laughing and happy like nothing had even happened five minutes earlier.
she must think i'm a freak.
but the reason i told the emptiness that i love my mom, was because here i was, looking at this huge container of vegetables, and it just made me so happy that my mom would take the time and effort to wash them and cut them, just so we'd have something healthy to eat. and i ate those vegetables like they were Willy Wonka's golden eggs.
my brother was considering going to Italy, AND Holland. and apparently Heather's going to come too. and apparently, we're going to have to come back by ourselves because my brother might decide to look for a job in Europe. how exciting. go on vacation, and then leave bawling your eyes out because you're gonna hafta leave your brother/best friend halfway across the world.

shit, i can't even think about it. i can't even think about this house that i call home, without my brother being in the basement from time to time. what if i need to have a motivational talk ?! what if i need to discuss my future with someone ?! what if i need to beg someone for money ?! what if i need to steal someones clothes ?! what if i need to watch movies with someone ?! what if i need to get angry at someone ?! OHMYGOD. i don't know what i'm going to do without him. besides the fact, of course, that i'll have his car in my possession. and once that happens i am surely getting the seats upholstered in Damask, and i might add some comforting pillows and such. but no car with really nice seats and pillows is worth not having my brother around.

Jordan really needs to get onto this invention of his for teleportation. like, ASAP i tell you.

hmm. i'm such a freak. but i ate my vegetables today. talk about nutritional value hey ?
speaking of freak, i watched some Criss Angel today and might i be pleased to inform you that he is a very, very, very, very, sexy man.

damn

SKIN PICKING AND NAIL BITING: RELATED HABITS
By Fred Penzel, Ph.D.
Although this newsletter has always been limited to discussing matters related to trichotillomania, I would like to introduce a slightly different but related topic. It may come as no surprise that there are other types of problem behaviors quite similar to trich in a number of ways. I am referring specifically to compulsive skin picking and nail biting (also known as onychophagia). These may not sound serious, but neither does hair pulling to some people. Since I have met quite a number of people who have one of these problems in addition to trich, I now routinely screen for them.
What I am referring to is not the kind of little bits of rough nail or cuticle that everyone picks at or bites from time to time, nor is it the occasional blemish that people might squeeze or pick. These nail-biters continually bite their nails past the nail bed and their cuticles until they bleed and are constantly walking around with red, sore, and sometimes infected fingers. Those who pick their skin compulsively have their faces and bodies covered, at times, with red sores and scabs known as acne excoria, a self-inflicted skin disorder that resembles acne. The smallest pimple or blemish must be opened and picked at or squeezed, either with the fingers or another implement such as tweezers, needles, pins, toothpicks, etc. Numerous scars are often the result.
Just as those with trich wear hats, scarves, wigs and makeup, nail-biters keep their hands behind their backs or in their pockets, and skin pickers wear makeup, put on clothing that covers bad areas, apply Band-Aids or just stay indoors when looking their worst. They feel the same shame and social embarrassment and experience that out-of-control feelings at times. They, too, wonder why they can't stop and they also question whether or not they are crazy.
Another similarity between these problems and trichotillomania is that they seem to happen when people are in one of two modes. Some do it in an automatic way, as if they are in a trance and not really thinking about what they are doing. Usually, they are involved in some other activity at the same time such as reading, talking on the phone, working at the computer, watching TV, etc. For others, the deliberate picking or biting is their main activity at the time, and they will frequently interrupt other activities to engage in it.
There is also a strong commonality seen in the various purposes behind these three problems. At the most basic level, they satisfy an urge. Many report an almost uncontrollable feeling of needing to do them. Pulling, picking or biting also seem to deliver a pleasurable or relaxed sensation. When sufferers feel stressed, doing these things has a kind of soothing effect on their nervous systems, and reduces levels of stimulation. On the other hand, when they are bored or inactive, they seems to provide a needed level of stimulation to the nervous system. This probably accounts for why so many people who dislike doing them find it so hard to stop. It simply "feels good" at the time, no matter what the consequences. These behaviors may really be all about self-regulation in certain individuals whose nervous system may not be doing a very good job of regulating itself.
Another factor also seems to be at work for a subgroup of people. This involves a kind of compulsive perfectionism. Some hair-pullers must pull "special" hairs that feel "different" or as if they don't belong due to their look or feel. In the same way, nail-biters will often try to bite off rough-feeling or broken bits of cuticle or nail sticking out in order to make their nails feel smooth and look "perfect" or regular. Skin-pickers will stand for hours in front of mirrors closely examining their faces or other body areas for the tiniest bump, irregularity or enlarged pore and then try to eliminate it, or drain it, in hopes of achieving a 'perfectly' clear complexion. Paradoxically, all of those who pursue such goals always end up looking much worse in spite of their efforts, as a result of the damage that they do to themselves.
What all these similarities seem to point to is that these three behaviors are probably all different aspects of the same problem. Some have theorized that theret may be that the same out-of-control grooming mechanism in the brain underlies them all. My own theory is that there may be some type of dysfunction of a brain mechanism that regulates levels of stimulation within the central nervous system, and that these behaviors represent an attempt to control these internal stimulation levels externally. People seem to pull, pick, or bite when thery are either overstimulated (dus to stress or excitement) or understimulated (due to boredom or inactivity). Many similar behaviors can be observed in animals who are kept in confined or unstimulating environments, or who live in stressful conditions.

damn, i might actually have a serious problem guys.

series of words i take pleasure in

"Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball"

"My book has more bookmarks than pages 'Cause it takes me ages Or is everybody reading ? "

"And it's beginning to get to me That I know more of the stars and sea Than I do of what's in your head Barely touching in our cold bed "

"Learn to wear each other well"

"It's like a cigarette in the mouth Or a handshake in the doorway I look at you and smile because I'm fine"

"and why do you sing Hallelujah If it means nothing to ya"

"the grass is greener where it rains"

"hoping someday someone will do you like i did"

"But she's just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I've done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands "

"kiss me like they do it in the movies. kiss me like we're in the backseat "

"me myself and i, it's all a guy in the end, that's what i found out, but there ain't no need to cry, i took a vow that from now on i'm gonna be my own best friend "

"in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to be whole on their own. "

"i spent my life learning to let go When the time comes will i remember how to hold on "

"the game of pick up sticks played by fucking lunatics"

the first five times

The first time, in your backyard
Underneath the plastic sheeting
Outside, it was pouring
And we were drunk as shit

Next time, at a party
When all our friends were there
There's nothing like their mattresses
Underneath the stair

The third time, in the doorway
Lights all on around us
And the audience beside us
And the old man watching from a tree

Fourth time, I said that's it
You've agreed to give me everything
Now I've got to ask you one thing
Keep doing that forever

Fifth time in your bedroom
And finally, we rested
And you leaned upon your elbow
And began to speak to me

But you stopped yourself and kissed me
And I grabbed your lips and told you
I know, I know, I know
I feel the same as you

And everyday, it's changed since then
In every way, I've changed since then

victim of selective hearing

i got to school this morning, and got my semester two books. i have a lot of text books, it's nuts. i had Psychology. we were put into partners, there weren't enough people, so i was put in a group of three. with a girl named Shavonne and a guy named Dylan. we had to ask each other questions to get to know them. it was pretty cool, i guess. met some new people, and Dylan's in my chemistry class, too, so it's pretty cool.
i had English, too, and i scared Matt pretty good when i walked him and gave him a light punch on the shoulder. English is going to be a really great class. Mrs. Palazzo is my teacher, and i've seen her ever since i was a kid, because her kids went to my Italian school. i've never actually talked to her before, but she's one of those teachers that aren't out to get you, and it seems she really cares how we do in her class. i love teachers like that. have i mentioned she's absolutely hysterical ? all my teachers are like that this semester, minus my options of course.
she gave us an assignment that i am so excited to do. she told us to read this short story once, and then write everything we feel about this story, and when she said that i thought Hey! I am so good at that. then she told us to read it again, and do a character sketch on one of the characters. which i also love doing. i know it's a creep characteristic, but i love analyzing people. she told us that when we read stories, we have to make ourselves the character in order to understand the story to our full potential. and i love that. i mean, it's what i'm good at. how many times do i talk about watching movies in this thing? it's because i love how involved and consumed i get when i watch them. movies just get to me.

yesterday my mother called me a flag. i wasn't sure i wanted to stay in psychology because it looked really dry. so she raised her tone and called me a flag. well, she said more than that, but that's all i really heard of what she was saying.

have i mentioned i have selective hearing ? yes, it's true. i've realized i only listen to what i want to hear. yesterday after school, i was with Tyler and i was calling my mom for a ride, and Tyler was all up in my grill making these popping noises, and only afterwards i realized he was actually doing that. Amanda was like "wow you're really good at tuning out noises." and then this morning, i was listening to my iPod, put it on my favorite song, and then five minutes later i realized i hadn't even been listening to it. i just think about things so much that my thoughts tend to cloud over my music at times, and i don't realize i'm even listening to music. because of this disorder or whatever you might want to call it, i usually listen to my favorite songs after i've been listening to music for awhile, so my thoughts have a chance to settle down.

sometimes it doesn't work, and it just gets worse. songs remind me of too many things, and they make me think of different things, steering me away from the relaxing effect music can bring.

hmmmph. i'm wearing my beige scarf from American Apparel. got it for free for spending over fifty bucks there when i bought my sleeveless hoodies. damn i love them things.

she sun

sometimes i feel like i can see through people more than i can see through myself.

a certain romance

semester two began today. shall i give you deets? well, of course i will.

block one - cosmetology - i have very good expectations in this class. i'm almost 100% positive it's going to be a blast. Tracy, Paulina, Chia, and Emily. AND that guy who wears the bullet belt all the time, who looks completely gay, but also very good-looking.

block two - english - i am so happy to be in an English class again. it's been far too long. looks like a hard teacher, but she's good, and i'm so enthused to get started. PLUS, Matt's in that class and so is Breanne.

block three - psychology - almost skipped it. i'm not feelin' it too much. Nikoline wants me to stay in it. i most likely will.. unfortunately. at least i got my Euro Blonde/Brunette Union buddy Nikki. yeah she's pretty sweet.

lunch - Jamie made an appearance. once again made fun of my constant stoner state. don't worry, i'm not a stoner, i just stare into space and speak like one.

block four - french - FUCKING AWESOME I SAY. i mean, it's got Britnee, Alison, Alyssa, Bri, Breanne, Ana Marija, and of course Mr F. of course, i gave him a nice greeting upon entry. and damnit, i got moved first class already. Mr F is supposed to let me get away with stuff. he probably wants me closer to the front 'cause i'm just so god damn amazing at French.

block five - chemistry - it's pretty sweet. sounds like it might be my toughest course this semester. also a lot of cool people in this class. Julian, Alex, Deanna, Melissa, Daniel and some others. my teacher's a nutjob though. she has a whole whiteboard calendar at the back with every single one of our exams for the next month written down. i swear if i were to pass out, and i neede instant heart revival or whatever it's called, i could look at that board and be resurrected instantaneously. so she pretty much gave us twenty questions and a few pages of notes to take. and to be honest, i'm pretty excited for that. this semester, is my time to shine =) lmao. shut up.

i'm so determined. soooo determined.

so leave me alone for now.

=)

damn, my cutesy pie Jordan is in Lethbridge until SUNDAY. that's like four days. i'm down.

my afternoon

what an afternoon. i woke up at 11, and made cookies. then i watched two movies. The Bourne Supremacy and Resident Evil:Apocalypse.

DAMN. good afternoon i tell ya. i was watching The Bourne Supremacy, which i had never seen before and it was so good. and Boots cuddled with me for the whole thing too. i'm so stupid. why didn't i watch it earlier. i'm almost positive there's going to be third Bourne movie, too.

then i watched Resident Evil: Apocalypse. i've been a fan of Resident Evil ever since i was a kid, and me and my cousins would rent the video games and my brother would courageously play them while we all watched intently, as it was a horror movie on it's own. crazy movies, too. and i love the soundtracks too. i have both on my iPod, and i am currently listening to them =) PLUS there's obviously going to be a third Resident Evil.

anyways, i'm excited for these movies to come out soon. hopefully... they can't just end movies like that and expect the public to handle it well. because, i will definitely not handle it well.

hmm Semester two starts tomorrow, i think i'm going to make my room nice and pretty for that, and maybe get my binder nicely decorated, just like i do every semester =)

walk in my shoes (pt.3)

my Diesel sneakers. bought them in Italy 3 years ago. i love them so.

my Converse Chucks. also my newest pair. i usually don't like Converse, but when i saw these i needed them. Silk interior, tweed exterior. very much worth the 100 bucks at Oasis.

an exact duplicate of my Le Chateau ones, except these ones are black.

probably one of my favorite and most used pair along with those blue and brown Pro-Keds. these are Air Walks. Olive Green Cordurouy. amazing isn't it.

don't they scream teeny bopper. bought them for my grade 9 farewell.. and i havent worn them since then. cool design, though, i'll admit. i love the heel.

walk in my shoes (pt.2)

these are mostly for Spring. they're quick and easy. just how i like it =)

the ones that started the obsession. years back, i wanted a simple white pair of shoes. meet my Bullboxers.

my silver shoes from Winners. they're pretty sweet, and they have this asian inspired design on the side. i am currently trying to find a way to wear them without laces, and i'm thinking i might dye them dark grey or red. or keep them silver.

my Nike's from Urban Outfitters. they are beautiful. my brother paid for them because i was broke at the time.

yes. my Munich ones. bought these in Italy of course. they're complicated and cluttered, just like me. i changed the laces to green, though, so the laces aren't white like they're shown in the picture.

walk in my shoes (pt.1)

these are my Roberto Vianni boots. definitely sexy, but seriously not my type of shoe.

are the flats i like to call Lingerie shoes. bought them before i went to Italy. yes, they've walked the streets of Italy :P
damn they're dirty too.





















these are my formal sneakers from Le Chateau. I remember i begged my mom to buy them for me for my 16th birthday.


























these shoes are definitely awesome. i bought them in Rome. i plan to wear them down real good before wearing them regularly.



















ahhh my trusty Pro-Keds. one of my favorite's by far. i bought them at Gravity Pope at this crazy sweet sale. i wore these in Italy.. in the mountains too. good memories and definitely good times.

damn nice shoes

the first ones: Converse Jimmy Connors -i realize i'm not the biggest fan of Converse, but these are just so smooth simple and white. and wow. originally for tennis, considering Jimmy Connors is a tennis player. produced in the 1980s.
the second ones: Converse Chris Evert -same as above. except for Chris Evert.
the third ones: Pny Linebackers -first made for American Football, produced in 1983. they're a spin off the shoe called Cricket.

so i really want some new shoes i'm thinking. those are a few i was considering. i realize they're probably extremely hard to find, and if i ever did find them, they'd be so totally out of my price range. but please keep in mind that i usually want things i can't have.

worldwide no.1 in haircolour

so i was just looking through my magazine. i think i'm going to dye my hair soon. well, maybe not soon. but before i go to Italy definitely. i had been contemplating whether i should go completely dark.. or maybe lean towards blonde. i've decided on #72 Caramel Kiss in L'Oreal Feria.

yes. definitely. BUT, before i change my hair, i have to change everything else.

it'll be like.. my reward.

=)

i know she knows i'm not fond of asking

i watched the Bourne Identity and then got kicked out. i was planning on watching the Bourne Supremacy, since i haven't seen that one yet.. that was the reason why i even watched the first one. i have a ton of movies, but i always watch the same ones. in the next few months, when i'm home alone on those Friday nights (which is a frequent occurrence), i shall force myself to watch the following
1)V for Vendetta (since i fell asleep mid way last time i watched it)
2)Batman Begins
3) Pulp Fiction
4)Resident Evil:Apocalypse ( i have watched it before, but never liked it, so i will watch it until i love it)
5)Bourne Supremacy
6)Boondock Saints (since i have not watched it in a while)

and that's all i can really think of right now. there's a few movies i really wanna see too:
1) Little Miss Sunshine
2) I heart Huckabees
3) Life As A House

i can be quite particular when it comes to movies. like, it takes me forever to decide what to watch. it's kind of how i am with songs. it takes me awhile to get to know songs.. most of my current favorites, were once songs i thought were nothing special. when i choose a movie, i'll decide on one, and then when i think about it thoroughly, i decide against it. which isn't good because if i just forced myself to watch it i would see that it was so totally worth it.
like the other day i watched The Recruit, which isn't one that i would usually watch, and i absolutely loved it. i'm weird that way.

but i love movies. sometimes too much i think. i mean, i look forward to watching movies more than actually going out. which is where i can be quite the loner. which i'm totally fine with. it's just how i am. it doesn't mean i'm depressed or anything, i just love being alone a lot of the time. which is why i just love curling up in front of the big screen to watch movies by myself.
when i'm with people, i don;t know.. i feel like i have something to prove, and i feel like they expect something from me. to be honest, i can be really silent sometimes. and i can;t be silent in front of people because then they'll think i'm boring or whatever. which i totally am not, but that's just how people would take that as. so when i force myself to be something i'm not really wanting to be at that time, i tend to feel as though things are awkward. most of the time, though, i like to think i'm just not like everyone else. everyone's all about parties and going out.. then there's me, who misses the freedom of being at home after a single sleepover. i've come to realize i don't like sleepovers as much as i used to. i don't see the point really. i end up feeling utterly disgusting the next morning.. and to be honest, i love my bed and my pillows and having the freedom of spreading out without hitting anyone else.

i'm just a big home-body loner. and i like it that way. like Mark said in Garden State "i like being unimpressive. i sleep better."

going back to movies, i've figured out one of my favorite movies scenes of all time. if you've seen The Last Kiss starring Zach Braff <333, it's when he gets locked outside his house, and he tells his girlfriend he's not going anywhere until she lets him in. so he sits down with his back to the door, and Warning Sign by Coldplay starts. damn i love that song. it was pretty funny though, when i first watched it, i got really excited and then when Chris Martin (lead singer) started singing, me and my brother were just singing along with him. and then we both messed up at the same part. and it was pretty funny. ANYWAYS..

and even tonight when i watched the Bourne Identity, when there's that car chase scene in the mini cooper. Ready Steady Go by Paul Oakenfield came on. when that happens i just think "right on. i so totally know this song."

fuck. i am so weird.

next

hmmph, so this morning i woke up at 8 am, because i had a nose bleed
then i went back to bed and told myself i would wake up at 10, so i set my alarm.
but of course, i ended up waking up at ... one.
so i went to the living room, with my dance pants on and my Sweet Years t-shirt, and of course my thigh workout mechanism which i carry with me everywhere (since it's so portable and easy to use even when sitting at the computer or laying on the couch!!), and my cellphone, i opened a yogurt and watched MTV Made. after that, i watched Room Raiders, and after that, i watched Next. which i will discuss right now.

ok, so sometimes when i'm home alone, i watch really gay shows like Next, and i actually talk to myself about how stupid some of those people are. so there's this macho guy, right, with the tackiest tattoo on his shoulder, and he had dark hair, and muscles of course. his dream was to be a dancer for Chip 'n' Dales. personally, with nothing but a bow tie i think he'd fit the part perfectly. the first chick steps out of the RV, she's tall, maybe a little bit bigger, and he says "well, i thought it would be cool to start out our date with some breakfast. do you like bananas? i love bananas." so he peels one, takes an agressive bite, and when i say aggressive, it was like a prime example of what a girl should NOT do to any guy ever. then he offers her some, and then he goes "wow, all this potassium fires me up, i just wanna do some push ups." so he gets her to do some push ups with him on the picnic table. HA is all i had to say. what a fucking LOSER. who does push-ups on a first date. ohmygoodness. so then shes like "you work out a lot, let me see what you have under that shirt" he take his shirt off, of course, and then tells her to show him a little bit. poor girl, she lifts her shirt up a bit and he says "Next". what a jerk.
so he goes through all these chicks like garbage, gives one of them a really gay lap dance, and when she avoids his kiss, he Nexts her. the next chick comes up, he asks her if she makes out on the first date, she takes too long to answer, so he Nexts her as well. finally, he gets the dumb blonde who laughs at everything (ok, so what if it sounds like me a few years back), and he ends up picking her.
luckily, she takes the money instead. and as she walks away, he starts salsa dancing and doing really awful break dancing on the grass like she'll regret her decision after he starts whipping out his horrible dance moves on television.

my God. the amount of stupid people that occupy perfectly good space.... IT BLOWS MY MIND

576

have i mentioned that
i'm going to the snow patrol concert

?

well, yes, i am. AND, this is also my 576th entry, including the entries from my blog I

=)

my worth has lessened

alright, so today was pretty extremely busy.
went to bed at 3 in the morning, woke up at 9 in the morning. got to the Shaw Conference Center at about 11:30. worked from 11:45 until 8:30 pm. it was pretty good. we got free muffins when we got there, and then for supper we got free pasta AND cake. and then when we left we got free tim bits =)
we did crowd control, it was pretty good i guess except for the fact that i had to stand a lot, and tell people to slow the fuck down haha. and then we did Security for the concert. EXCEPT, the Newsboys never showed up in time. they were stalled in Chicago, and got a charter plane from Calgray to Edmonton, so me and Stephanie couldn't stay that long since we were going out afterwards. i was pretty bummed. i really wanted to see them.
so anyways, this afternoon i was keeping an eye on my section, and these two older men come sit down. the dark-haired man looks at my name-tag and starts joking around with me and calling me by my first name. and i'm trying to avoid contact with him so i pretend to look around the room like something very interesting is happening in the opposite direction. then he starts asking me to entertain them. and i'm like "sorry, that's not my job." and he's like "dance for us. and sing." and i was like "i can't sing." and he was like "neither can i." so i walked away haha.

anyways, it was approaching 9 pm, and i really didn't wanna go to Fever. we stood in line when we got there.. in the freezing cold. and i felt like the biggest loser EVER. i mean, there was all these gangsters, and chicks with blonde streaked hair that was back combed out to Mars, and i just felt so out of place. i was like, wow this is totally not my scene. i felt like such a teenybopper. i hated it. i wanted to leave so bad.
but i walked in, we went to the dance floor and i started moving. and i admit, i'm pretty good when i get some good flowing music. one thing that just PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF, was the fact that i was dancing, i was "in the zone" and all these fucking people just keep walking back and forth, it's like make up your god damn mind already you're either on the dance floor or not. and it just cramped my style. and everytime someone bumped into me i just wanted to punch them in the face. so me and Stephanie met up with Daleen, Nikolina and Nataliya. Nataliya was pretty much mackin out with her boyfriend the whole time. i'll admit, though, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.
minus the heat, the undecisive dancers, and the fog that made me feel suffocated. just a little bit.
i even saw Danny there. at first i didn't think it was him, but i went up to him and we talked for abit. he wasn't dancing though, he said he came for the music. he's pretty cute haha. short little portuguese kid :P
AND THEN
ok, so me Steph and Daleen are dancing, right. this black dude just comes up behind me, puts his hand on my leg and his other hand on my tummy. at first i was like what the fuck is going on man. but then i was like.. whatever and we grinded for a bit. and just to be stupid, i grabbed his leg and made him go with my rythym. then the song changed, he gave me a hug said something i couldn't hear and then we grinded while facing each other. then he started kissing my neck, and i think he was gonna kiss me on the lips, so i turned my face opposite of his, and then my legs just fucking hurt because it gets tiring, so i just stopped and he gave me another hug and walked away. haha
except he didn't walk away. he moved onto Stephanie. and she had this really funny look on her face like HELP ME OUT GUYS. and i laughed at her.
and i started grinding her, while the guy was grinding her as well. LMAO. she looked so uncomfortable, it made me laugh. then they all wanted to go on the speakers, but i really didn't, so i went to the washroom where i ran my hands under cold water.

it was so nice.. the cold.
hmm. i thought about Jordan at times, too. and what it would be like if he was there and if i was dancing with him.. instead of having random black dudes rub their denim cock on you. my worth definitely lessened tonight.
i may sound like a big loser, but i think spending time in Chapters would have been equally fun haha.
hmm maybe not. i definitely felt sexy tonight.. even if i was fully clothed. unlike the rest of the participants at Fever.

in conclusion, this weekend was very busy, but very awesome as well. and it was the perfect birthday weekend.

=)

aquarius January 28th

Try to determine what is truly important to you right now, and don't be afraid to dispose of anything that's no longer of any use to you. Since you can probably count on very little support from others at this time, you ought to be preparing to become much more self-reliant right now. And it'd be a great time to start showing a little more strength and perseverance.

i think i've accomplished disposing of anything that's no longer of any use to me.

=)

hoping i could buy you a beer

i'm watching The Recruit right now. sitting on my brother's couch, with the laptop on my lap, Jordan on webcam, and Colin Farrel and Al Pacino on the big screen in front of me.

i think lie detector tests are messed up. if i was being tested for lying, and they had all that stuff hooked up to me, my heart would be racing so fast i might as well lie.

ps. Jordan is shirtless. :drool:

happy birthday to me

alright. i'm pretty sure this'll be long.
yesterday was my birthday. yay woohoo. lol. i'm just happy i'm 17. my mother insists i do something, but i'm not. she's just going to order some pizza, and she got this cheap cake or whatever. i think i'm inviting Breanna over tomorrow night. i'm not sure what's going on yet. but i think it would be sweet if she came. i haven't seen her in a while, and if she came for this cozy little cute birthday thing it would be sweet. it's just gonna be my family, and my brother's girlfriend. birthday's aren't a big deal for me i guess. which is probably why i was volunteering on my birthday. which i will tell you in full detail in a few..

so the day of my birth. more like the anniversary of the day of my birth. i woke up at 6 and realized how sucky it is to be a girl those few days of the month. yay. i went to school, stressed over a social final exam, which i was told i would do really good on by my social teacher aka knob. so i was all mellow, until of course i go sit down and open the test and about a quarter in i'm thinking "ok, so i suck ass so far, but hopefully i'll do good in like 10 questions, since he did say 50% of it was common sense.." so then it becomes question 70 and i keep thinking it's going to get better, until i get to question 110, when i think, well i'm pretty much screwed now. and then i turn the page and see a whole essay that i have to read. and well, let's just say i got really frustrated. so i thought "well, i'll just bull shit my way through it." then five minutes later i think "what the fuck. i can't bull shit my way through multiple choice, it's either right or wrong." and it was just horrible. and it didn't help that everyone was finishing and everytime someone gets up i just have to look at them and get distracted and then i know i'm wasting time but i don't do anything about it and then i think about how i'm freezing cold and how i think i'm pretty sure i have ADD, and then i stare at the clock and calculate how much time i've spent on every question. and i try pacing myself, which doesn't work anyways because i end up reading a single question 25 times before realizing i have to read the question. and after all that reading, i end up guessing anyways. URGHGUSYBF. then i walked to Subway, bought myself a sub, and two cookies and an apple juice, ate it by myself, text messaged Jordan a bit, and then realized how it's my 17th birthday and how awful my day had turned out to be. i sat there in silence and played with my apple juice can until my mother picked me up. i got home, slept for two hours, then i got my stuff ready and she dropped me off at Stephanie's. and thats where it gets interesting..

so me and Stephanie are volunteering at Breakforth this whole weekend. what's Breakforth? well, it's a world-reknowned thing apparently. people from all over the world come to Edmonton every year just to participate. it's a Christian thing. like, Christian rock bands and stuff. i was really interested, because, well i love music, and i thought it would be sweet to experience a type of music that i don;t usually listen to. it's pretty sweet, actually.
so first of all, we go for orientation. we get our wrist bands, t-shirts, name tags and shit. and we're like. oh my god. this weekend is going to suck ass. we were planning to scope out some attractive guys who have good morals for once =)
we're just the coolest aren't we.. there were a few at some points. but it wasn't exactly the ideal environment for sexy man hunting.
we go into Salon 10, 11. we're sitting there. waiting. waiting. then i see this most gorgeous guy in the back. blonde, short hair, tanned, pink shirt, he was just wow. i knew we shoulda sat on the left side. we look through my 500-some pictures on my digital camera. and then this guy walks to the front. and everyone stands up and starts singing. and everyone knows the words. except for us. we're standing there, and these people just really get into the music man, like their hands in the air and they really seem in the moment. i wanted to laugh 'cause i'm just immature that way right, but i tried despereately sucking it up. i kept telling myself to play the part. so i was like thinking in my head. "what if God is actually in this room. right now" so i tried so hard. but everytime i'd get into that state of mind, i felt like i was part of a cult. well at least now i know i'm for sure going to heaven. it was just absolutely insane. in a way, i wished i could be that hardcore, 'cause these people looked so into it and definitely in the moment.. i wanted to be in that place too.

after our orientation, went back to Stephanie's. i slept over. we watched Garden State, well actually we kinda fell asleep during it 'cause we were completely dead. next morning we ate waffles, and watched the rest of Garden State. she didn't like it. she thought it was awkward. and i was like WOW, thats WHY i love it so much. but anyways, her dad takes us to the Shaw Conference 'cause we had to volunteer. we had to wear those reflective vests, and we held those long orange flashlights that they have at the airport haha. i felt pretty important, like i had all the answers, which i really didn't. every person who asked us a quesiton, Stephanie had to answer 'cause i had no idea what was going on. my personal plan was to tell everyone God has all the answers.
so we did crowd control, IT WAS PACKED. it's like a mjaor event, and i wondered how come i wasn't informed of this before. i would definitely volunteer next year. it's just weird. there was a key-note speaker, this Christian comedian Ken Davis.. he was pretty inspiring at some points. he told us we have 1) nothing to prove 2) nothing to lose and 3) nothing to hide. he was really good at speaking. i felt like i was hard core after he spoke to us.

but i can't stay motivated. after we walked out of there, i was upset at the fact that i had lost all inspiration that i had felt only a few minutes before.

i don't get it. is God such a hard concept for my brain to wrap around. i believe in him most times, but sometimes i feel like these people are so hard core and consumed in it because their lives are just.. too ordinary. i just want to be in it.. you know? i want to get into the music and be able to say Amen to something without feeling like it's all a joke.

religion's a tough subject for me, i think. i'm constantly sitting on the fence. but i don't want to sit on the fence anymore. my ass hurts and i want to get off. but i can't make up my mind. and i know, most of you are thinking i'mma wack job for making it a big deal. but for me it is a big deal. my whole family is deeply religious, and i've always been raised in that environment, and i'll admit that i have turned to the bible in the past.. when i really thought i couldnt' go anywhere else. and i always believed it to be a good thing.. to believe in something higher than yourself. even if it was totally and completely fake. it's good to believe in something, for that extra reassurance. i always felt more privileged to be Catholic... to have this person always with me whenever i needed him. and i do have my wooden guardian angel hanging above my bed, along with two rosaries, and whenever i re arrange my room, i make sure i keep them up there no matter what.

hmm maybe after this weekend is done i'll have a clearer mind on this subject. afterall, i'll be working at Breakforth the whole day on Sunday, and right after i'm going to West Ed. for this teenybopper Fever rave thing. my friends are going, but i always thought those things were kinda gay 'cause after going to one everyone's all like putting pictures up of them partying HAHA, and they think they're the coolest kids on the block...

when clearly i'm the coolest kid on the block =)

i think it's cute

so i'm on msn. my cousin Manuela came online. the one who lives in Italy. and she said hi to me.
and we started talking and stuff
and it made me laugh, maybe it's an italian thing
but every word she said had some sort of emoticon in it.
she had a fancy letter N emoticon, a fancy letter F emoticon, and fancy emoticons for
a lot of other letters
and it made me laugh. i look at the convo and it's so colorful.

i think it's cute.

i like to stir the pot sometimes

so i have decided upon 3 things, more specifically, 8 things.

1.

a) i want an anchor tattoo on my left ankle.

b) i want a wing tattoo (symbol of Mercury the messenger God) on my right ankle.

-- the two contradict each other, which ultimately symbolizes who i am.

c) i want a small, simple, black cross behind my right ear.

d) i want a simple, black, three-stroke happy face somewhere else on my body (maybe my hip).

2.

a) i want my nipple pierced (SOON WITH LEIGHA).

b) i want my tongue pierced.

c) i want my tragus pierced.

3.

a) emotions need to be taken lightly sometimes, and we need to realize that, we are kids, still getting to know ourselves.

what the fluff

i was going to write about this really odd dream i had last night.
or a few nights ago.

it involved Leigha, Landon, and me. i seem to have forgotten some of it, but i'll just tell you the deets.

-so we were sitting in biology, and this girl i know came out from the overhead screen, she had been hanging behind it and she just came down and popped out from behind the screen.
-me and Leigha were fighting, our biology class turned into some sort of yoga class, and she wasn't talking to me or something.
-Landon was in this yoga class, and the floor turned to this fluff stuff, but the overhead screen was still in the front of the room.
-all of a sudden, Landon starts taking this fluff and throwing it at me. and it hurt really bad.
-then i started picking up this fluff and throwing it back.

and that is all i really remember

haha

sorry for all the posts.

make up the break down

maybe i'll do some bonding with my mother and show her my photography.

maybe then she'll see just how talented i can be.. even if i am pure amateur :P

can i try to be normal

my dad came into my room, second time in like a week. and he walks in, shuts the door behind him, and sits on my couch while i sit down on my computer chair.
he looks at me, and begins "why are you and your mother always fighting. she's really upset with you all the time." and he keeps going from there. and i sit there, and i'm thinking "NOT AGAIN". i mean, him just coming in here to talk to me about it, just makes it a bigger deal. and i have to sit here and listen to him pick out every aspect of the relationship i have with my mother. which i honestly don't understand. he asks me why we fight, and why i talk back and why i make her upset.
i simply tell him it's part of being a teenager, and people always disagree with each other, you just can't expect relationships to be perfect. and he asks me again, like he didn;t hear what i just said. so i said "that's what mothers and daughters do." then he talks about how i'm up so late.
"what are you doing up so late? why are you still going back and forth at midnight?" and i simply tell him "well, sometimes i like to read or listen to music, and i tend to function better at night than in the day." and then he asks who i talk to on the phone and i tell him "lately i haven't been talking to anyone on the phone .. it's just something that hasn't really happened." and then he says "why, you don't talk to your friends anymore?" and then i get frustrated, because he thinks i don't have any friends because i don't talk to them on the phone. and it's like, what do you want me to do?!, you think i have no friends if i'm not talking on the phone, and you get mad if i'm on the phone too long. i just don't get what they want.
then he asks me how come i'm always locked up in my room. how i'm always here. and he asks me how come i don't go in the living room to spend time with them. and i simply say "because whenever i do go out there, mom always tells me to go back to my room to study, so i do. i don't know what you want me to do, i can't be in two places at once." and then i tell him he's making a big deal of nothing. and he says mom's upset. and i tell him "she's always going to be upset." and he asks why and i say "well, because i can't be who she wants me to be. i'm not perfect, and until i am perfect, she's going to be upset. i can't help that." and he sits there. and that's when i began to tear up.
and then he asks me how much homework i do in here. i say about a couple hours everyday. and he asks how come i'm in here all the time, and i tell him because i don't study for two hours straight. i listen to music, or stare at the ceiling.
then this is when he says, "it's not good to stare at the ceiling." i thought he was being funny so i laugh, but he gives me this serious stare so i shut up. then he talks about how there was never this kind of madness when Daniel was in high school. and i just said "Daniel's different." and it's true, my brother can be a push-over sometimes, when i'm the more defensive one. plus, he's a guy, sons and mothers don't have disputes, that's for the daughters and mothers.
and then he said "can't you try to change. can't you try to be normal."
and i just sat there and i honestly wanted to burst into tears. Can i try to be normal.

am i missing something? i didn't think i had it all that bad. i love my mother, don't get me wrong, i don't know what i'd do without her, but since when was it such a bad thing to get mad at each other from time to time.. well maybe not time to time, more like everyday. but i thought that was part of growing up.

i've never felt like a bigger failure in my entire life. and i've never felt this resentful towards my brother. i don't get why they have to compare me to him. he's a completely different person than me. and yeah, maybe i am the worse of the two, but i didn't think they thought that as well..


can i try to be normal..

mainstream

so recently i've seen lyrics of Starlight on people's nexopia pages. so i was like, wow, since when is Muse so well-known.

then the other day, while driving with my brother. i was listening to Sonic. and Starlight came on the radio. GAYNESS.
i honestly hate the fucking radio. it's no wonder everyone puts the lyrics on their pages.
whatever's on the radio is what people put on their pages, and it's really stupid.

fgjdsngbuisd that makes me angry. some bands just aren't meant to be made mainstream.

these are my confessions

just had a thought.

i have a new semester coming up, and i'll be meeting new people.

i think i'd like to stay single for that.. maybe keep my options open.

suddenly i see

i wrote math final exam today. i

don't wanna say anything about it. because, when i think about it, it went horribly terribly awful. and then i think about it, and i didn't do so bad.
makes any sense at all?

no, not really.

so maybe i wasn't doing so well, mentally and scholastically. but i did figure something out today, emotionally.

i'm like Chandler. you know that one episode of Friends, when he was dating different people, he never went farther than the first date because he always found something about that person that he just couldn't get his mind off, and it stopped him from going farther.
then i realized, i don't want a relationship. it's hard for me to open up to people, and get comfortable with them, and i feel like i'm forcing it. and i don't want to do that.
plus, i'm not really in a commitment state. i just want to be by myself for awhile, i think.
i'm pretty much over Joe. which is weird, it always takes me forever to get over people. maybe i'm getting better.
on March 3rd, it'll be one year of single life.
and to be honest, i want to make it to March 3rd, in a way. i've always had someone there. i wonder what would happen if i didn't have someone to lean on.

i guess i just want to experience that independence, and not the pain that always comes along with relationships.

who taught you to live like that

i made some changes once again. i felt like it, because i somewhat re-did Lauren's layout, but couldn't finish because her original template is different from mine, so i didn't know what to change to make the picture show up. and it was quite angering. i'll probably fix it once exams are done. i've been studying pretty hard core i'm not going to lie. why does math seem so much easier after you leave it alone for awhile and go back to it after?

im also still on Chapter 3, with 6 more chapters to go to get frustrated, sooooo.. ya know.

the thing about math, though, is that you can study it and make sure you know everything that there's to know, and you can go into an exam and still know nothing at all. it's one of those subjects where there's always something you've missed or have forgotten.

in a way, i love doing math. only when i know exactly what i'm doing. i feel so genious when that happens. like when we did Circle Geometry, i was one of the few that understood it. i was so determined when i couldn't figure them out though. they're like little riddles that you'd do anything to figure out.

last night at my aunt's place i watched Project Runway. they had to make outfits out of recycled stuff. i had so many neat ideas as i was watching them. i was like UGH YOU SHOULD DO THIS INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING. the thing i was thinking also, is that i would've made a rather simple outfit, and made some cool accessories. and then i had an idea for a necklace that i'm going to make someday, involving bottle caps. so i had two cool ideas for tops, wanna hear? of course ya do:
1) i would have taken cardboard and cut it up into long thin pieces, and i would have painted them different colors or something, and then put them back together lengthwise and sewn them so that they had that flexibilty in them. then, i would put it around the waist, have it slightly open at the back, and it would be small around the waist, gradually getting bigger around the bust. and it would kind of stick up and out at the bust. i don't know, it's hard to exaplain.
2) i would have taken that silver tin foil looking stuff and wrapped it around the torso and bust, and in the front, i would've made it bunch up in the center.. i can't remember what that's called.. damn. anyways, it like bunches up in the front down the center, and it enhances the bust.

but yeah, they're pretty amateur ideas, but i thought they were certainly do-able. i'm going to go start on my necklace idea though..

the bad boy factor

i realized one thing today.
wanting the "bad boy" factor in a guy is something i would see as immature.
which makes me immature.
and it's ironic,
because i was the one always calling him immature
when really, i was the immature one
for putting up with his immaturity
just so i could be satisfied at the thought of having a "bad boy".

how immature is that???

god grew tired of us

it was my uncle's 80th birthday today. i couldn't even believe it. i mean, isn't that the average age of death or something? he's so healthy though. my family's weird that way. they just don't die. and they all have their odd bad habits, but they just don't seem to get sick or die. for example, my uncle, he drinks alcohol all the time and eats raw meat. and he's so healthy.
so yeah, my aunt made a huge meal, and Father Joe and Father Len were there too. Father Len married my parents 25 years ago, and Father Joe is the priest at our church. and Massimo and Anna were there too and Auntie Irene.
hmm.. i love dinner's like that. whene everyone's there. decades ago, my uncle and Zio Nerio (who isn't actually my zio, and how died of cancer years ago) were butchers at the MacDonald Hotel and Massimo was the baker. and that's how these three guys met and they've been friends for decades, minus Zio Nerio who passed away, but Auntie Irene (who isn't actually my aunt, we're not related at all) comes to the big dinners that we have all the time. we're like all family friends. it's really sweet. and it's always good times. and i think it's awesome how we're really loud, and we drink alcohol and we laugh and my aunt always invites someone from church. all the time. i love how my family's so religious. it makes things that much more warm and inviting.

but anyways, after cake and all, my brother drove me home 'cause he was going to go to Heather's. whenever we're in the car together we always listen to music really loud and this time i burst out laughing because i can't even count the number of times we sing to every single song and don't know any of the words but we pretend we do. it's quite possibly the funniest thing ever. so we're pulling up to our house and the track lights are on. so we're like.. umm ok. we walk in and the alarm says "Intrusion - Great Room" so we're like.. where the fuck is the great room. lol. Daniel's downstairs and i'm upstairs, i'm turning on lights and then i see my brother in the basement holding a golf club. haha. and then i call my mother up and tell her what went down. nothing happened, but my brother had to go so he gave me the golf club just in case. but now i'm scared, 'cause like, my cats make so much noise and it freaks me out.

and i was on myspace, checked out this movie i wanna see. it looks pretty cool. it's called God Grew Tired of Us. you should watch the trailer. it's on this website: http://www.myspace.com/godgrewtiredofusmovie

anyways, i want to watch Garden State now, all by my lonesome and in a house that could have possibly been intruded.

hopefully i don't get murdered because it would be a shame to stop the growth of such a flourishing blog.

=)