happy birthday to me

alright. i'm pretty sure this'll be long.
yesterday was my birthday. yay woohoo. lol. i'm just happy i'm 17. my mother insists i do something, but i'm not. she's just going to order some pizza, and she got this cheap cake or whatever. i think i'm inviting Breanna over tomorrow night. i'm not sure what's going on yet. but i think it would be sweet if she came. i haven't seen her in a while, and if she came for this cozy little cute birthday thing it would be sweet. it's just gonna be my family, and my brother's girlfriend. birthday's aren't a big deal for me i guess. which is probably why i was volunteering on my birthday. which i will tell you in full detail in a few..

so the day of my birth. more like the anniversary of the day of my birth. i woke up at 6 and realized how sucky it is to be a girl those few days of the month. yay. i went to school, stressed over a social final exam, which i was told i would do really good on by my social teacher aka knob. so i was all mellow, until of course i go sit down and open the test and about a quarter in i'm thinking "ok, so i suck ass so far, but hopefully i'll do good in like 10 questions, since he did say 50% of it was common sense.." so then it becomes question 70 and i keep thinking it's going to get better, until i get to question 110, when i think, well i'm pretty much screwed now. and then i turn the page and see a whole essay that i have to read. and well, let's just say i got really frustrated. so i thought "well, i'll just bull shit my way through it." then five minutes later i think "what the fuck. i can't bull shit my way through multiple choice, it's either right or wrong." and it was just horrible. and it didn't help that everyone was finishing and everytime someone gets up i just have to look at them and get distracted and then i know i'm wasting time but i don't do anything about it and then i think about how i'm freezing cold and how i think i'm pretty sure i have ADD, and then i stare at the clock and calculate how much time i've spent on every question. and i try pacing myself, which doesn't work anyways because i end up reading a single question 25 times before realizing i have to read the question. and after all that reading, i end up guessing anyways. URGHGUSYBF. then i walked to Subway, bought myself a sub, and two cookies and an apple juice, ate it by myself, text messaged Jordan a bit, and then realized how it's my 17th birthday and how awful my day had turned out to be. i sat there in silence and played with my apple juice can until my mother picked me up. i got home, slept for two hours, then i got my stuff ready and she dropped me off at Stephanie's. and thats where it gets interesting..

so me and Stephanie are volunteering at Breakforth this whole weekend. what's Breakforth? well, it's a world-reknowned thing apparently. people from all over the world come to Edmonton every year just to participate. it's a Christian thing. like, Christian rock bands and stuff. i was really interested, because, well i love music, and i thought it would be sweet to experience a type of music that i don;t usually listen to. it's pretty sweet, actually.
so first of all, we go for orientation. we get our wrist bands, t-shirts, name tags and shit. and we're like. oh my god. this weekend is going to suck ass. we were planning to scope out some attractive guys who have good morals for once =)
we're just the coolest aren't we.. there were a few at some points. but it wasn't exactly the ideal environment for sexy man hunting.
we go into Salon 10, 11. we're sitting there. waiting. waiting. then i see this most gorgeous guy in the back. blonde, short hair, tanned, pink shirt, he was just wow. i knew we shoulda sat on the left side. we look through my 500-some pictures on my digital camera. and then this guy walks to the front. and everyone stands up and starts singing. and everyone knows the words. except for us. we're standing there, and these people just really get into the music man, like their hands in the air and they really seem in the moment. i wanted to laugh 'cause i'm just immature that way right, but i tried despereately sucking it up. i kept telling myself to play the part. so i was like thinking in my head. "what if God is actually in this room. right now" so i tried so hard. but everytime i'd get into that state of mind, i felt like i was part of a cult. well at least now i know i'm for sure going to heaven. it was just absolutely insane. in a way, i wished i could be that hardcore, 'cause these people looked so into it and definitely in the moment.. i wanted to be in that place too.

after our orientation, went back to Stephanie's. i slept over. we watched Garden State, well actually we kinda fell asleep during it 'cause we were completely dead. next morning we ate waffles, and watched the rest of Garden State. she didn't like it. she thought it was awkward. and i was like WOW, thats WHY i love it so much. but anyways, her dad takes us to the Shaw Conference 'cause we had to volunteer. we had to wear those reflective vests, and we held those long orange flashlights that they have at the airport haha. i felt pretty important, like i had all the answers, which i really didn't. every person who asked us a quesiton, Stephanie had to answer 'cause i had no idea what was going on. my personal plan was to tell everyone God has all the answers.
so we did crowd control, IT WAS PACKED. it's like a mjaor event, and i wondered how come i wasn't informed of this before. i would definitely volunteer next year. it's just weird. there was a key-note speaker, this Christian comedian Ken Davis.. he was pretty inspiring at some points. he told us we have 1) nothing to prove 2) nothing to lose and 3) nothing to hide. he was really good at speaking. i felt like i was hard core after he spoke to us.

but i can't stay motivated. after we walked out of there, i was upset at the fact that i had lost all inspiration that i had felt only a few minutes before.

i don't get it. is God such a hard concept for my brain to wrap around. i believe in him most times, but sometimes i feel like these people are so hard core and consumed in it because their lives are just.. too ordinary. i just want to be in it.. you know? i want to get into the music and be able to say Amen to something without feeling like it's all a joke.

religion's a tough subject for me, i think. i'm constantly sitting on the fence. but i don't want to sit on the fence anymore. my ass hurts and i want to get off. but i can't make up my mind. and i know, most of you are thinking i'mma wack job for making it a big deal. but for me it is a big deal. my whole family is deeply religious, and i've always been raised in that environment, and i'll admit that i have turned to the bible in the past.. when i really thought i couldnt' go anywhere else. and i always believed it to be a good thing.. to believe in something higher than yourself. even if it was totally and completely fake. it's good to believe in something, for that extra reassurance. i always felt more privileged to be Catholic... to have this person always with me whenever i needed him. and i do have my wooden guardian angel hanging above my bed, along with two rosaries, and whenever i re arrange my room, i make sure i keep them up there no matter what.

hmm maybe after this weekend is done i'll have a clearer mind on this subject. afterall, i'll be working at Breakforth the whole day on Sunday, and right after i'm going to West Ed. for this teenybopper Fever rave thing. my friends are going, but i always thought those things were kinda gay 'cause after going to one everyone's all like putting pictures up of them partying HAHA, and they think they're the coolest kids on the block...

when clearly i'm the coolest kid on the block =)