southern belles in london sing

i went to school this morning, ready to study from 8 am until 12:30 pm. i sat at the tables, studied for about half hour. then Tyler and Steven sat with me and Tyler helped me study. he went over pretty much my whole biology course with me. and i remembered everything he said. he explained shit so well, and in a comical fashion, so i was laughing and it stuck at the same time. then around 9 we went to Tim Hortons, he bought 6 donuts for all three of us and i got myself a hot chocolate. then we walked back. and it was really funny, because Steven is a really quiet guy, and he was going home after Tim Hortons so me and Tyler basically talked the whole time and on the way back we were talking and he chucked his coffee in the snow and turned around to say "geez Steven don't litter!" and when he did he was just like "...Steven??" and we were like what the fuck. the kid was gone haha. funniest thing though. he just disappeared and that whole time we thought he was behind us. anyways, so we get to school, meet up with Lauren Breanne and Justin. we sit in the cafeteria and start studying, then we meet up with Amanda and tells us that Ms Page is having a review thing so we go see Ms Page and she explains to us the whole three steps of Cellular Respiration, step 1 the anaerobic cyle or Glycolysis, step two Kreb's Cycle or Citric Acid Cycle or aerobic cycle, step two ETS or oxidation phosphorylation. i am so stupid. before i talked to Ms Page i didn't even know those things were the three steps of cellular respiration. i just thought they were some random things that occurred within the plant or something. and then we went over the steps of Photosynthesis, step one the light dependent reaction and step two the light independent reaction. i was really proud of myself because i understood everything. so after, me Breanne Justin Julian and Tyler went outside for a smoke, except only 3 of us actually had a smoke. then i went into the exam at 1, was on question 25 after about a half hour. i was out of there at 1:15. it was crazy. now that i think about it, i could have done my written response's better. i mean, i didn't even capitalize the first letter of every new sentence lol. anyways, now i have math to worry about. i write it on monday.
so after the exam i waited in the hallway, talked to bunch of randoms in my class and out of my class and then me Breanne and Melissa went to eat at Subway. and then me and Breanne went to the office 'cause we had an appointment at 4 for course changes. he let us go in at the same time. and then my math teacher walked in and was like "are you guys like Siamese twins?! Mr Pryma, do not put these girls in any class together, they will not stop talking." it was pretty funny. but the original plan was to go into Biology 30, but he suggested not putting ourselves in a situation where we have four core subjects this semester. he said we'll have a meltdown, and since we aren't honour students at the moment, he didn't think it was a good idea. BUT i did accomplish something. i switched Chemistry and Biology so now i have french with none other than

MR F. haha, i was so jubilant. the guy is like my favorite teacher, i've talked about him before so i won't talk about him i swear. he's just a really sweet asian guy lol. who knows 5 languages.

so after that, my mom dropped Breanne off, and i came home, went on msn talked to Jordan. and around 7 i went to nap since i felt like i was ready to hibernate. woke up at 9:09, went to watch the oc but my mom told me to go to my room and study for math. and then i pulled a popular stupid teenager rant about how she's bitter haha. now i'm sitting here writing while i listen to the sweet sweet sounds of voices and violins and guitars and drums. The Faint is pretty amazing to me.

for old time's sake, the thought of the moment is how awesome how things progressed in the past few weeks.

hidden half

i dress like such a teenager

nostalgia

kay guys, i have to honestly admit that i am going nuts here.
i really want to go to Italy. i wanna go back so bad. it's just crazy. i miss it. the atmosphere, the mountains, the heat, the people, the music. everytime i start listening to my italian music, it just makes me go even crazier. and i just feel so confined to this one place and i don't like feeling confined to places, i just wanna

i'm pretty sure i think about Italy at least once everyday. i miss all them. i miss the easy access to bars and alcohol and the discoteca. the friends, the good times, the

last summer was so good. Italy winning the cup just made it so much better. i wanna drive on those windy roads, i wanna climb those four flights of stairs, i wanna see Roberta.. and Veronica. and Paola.
and i wanna see how much hotter Ivan got. i would kill to see them everyday. i wanna see if Manuel got any funnier, or if he finally gained some weight haha. i wanna shop in Cles, i wanna

get car sick, i wanna go on road trips, i wanna see what people only see on television and books. i wanna feel the humidity, i wanna walk all the Cinque Terre. haha i remember that time we took a tram there. we walked down the Lovers Walk. all the graffiti everywhere of all the lovers that walked down there. i wanna walk down there with a lover. and then look down and see the bluest of blue water. i wanna feel my nerves heighten when going to visit family. i wanna feel nervous when i stumble over words. i wanna know i can sleep in, but have a reason to wake up early. i wanna have a cigarette out the window.

i remember a few summers ago, i was there with my cousins from Calgary, and we sat on the balcony at night and listened to our music and we just sang really loud probably awakening the whole town, and i remember we were listening to My Band by Eminem, and there was this one part that Kevin imitated so good and i just couldn't stop laughing. and then when we all went to Gardaland (amusement park), and we went on all the rides and i went on my first roller coaster ride. i held Kevin's hand so tight i almost crushed it. i went on two times in a row, second time Kevin made sure i didn't close my eyes and he kept laughing and when he laughs i just laugh harder. i remember we woke up early to make it there on time, and we were all alert and we were caught in traffic and we laughed at how many birds there were outside. and i remember the water ride, i got major butterflies it was crazy. so much fun. there was this fake volcano there, and i blurted out "is that real?!" and they still make fun of me to this day lol. and i remember we went to Venice, a few days after i even made it to Italy (they were there for a while before i came), and i ate my first Margherita pizza in a long time and mmm.. i remember we were sitting behind this big pillar in a church in Venice, and Kevin took his shoes off and within seconds we could smell his feet and we just laughed. and outside their churches and buildings they have these stick things that keep pigeons from sitting on them, and there were feathers from dead pigeons up there and we had a laugh at that as well. and then we saw this one pigeon with a tumour. i wouldnt have found it funny if Kevin and Anthony didn't start laughing.. and then my deeply religious aunt told us to stop because it was a creature of God. which made us laugh even more. and then we saw the pigeon man. he was covered in pigeons. funniest thing ever. aw i miss it =(

i miss how my mom is a totally different person there. i miss how she didn't smoke as often, she got more sleep, she yelled less, she laughed more, she hugged me more. i miss seeing her cry when we had to leave. to see that she loves that place as much as i do, but even more. i can't imagine how odd that must be for her. we went for a walk together at night once, and she told me that as she gets older, she misses the place she was born more and more.

i miss getting my hair done by Marta, and i miss walking to my aunt's apartment. and buzzing her three times in a row to hear her say "pronto?" and then i'd answer "sono Christine", and she'd knit while i did some Italian homework, and then she'd give me cookies and freak out when i leaned out the window too far. i'd draw her pictures to tape to her cupboards.
and once a week she would walk over and put my grandma's hair in rollers, and they'd fight over dumb things.
it's so sweet.. i mean, they're three sisters.. Antonia, Rita and Caterina, and they drink coffee and eat cookies and knit together everyday, they walk everywhere, they go to church every week.. it's just a sweet sweet life to live.
i miss Zia's french toast that she made for me at 8 o'clock at night for supper.

*huge ass sigh*

two favorite love songs

Quando una ragazza c'e by Offside:
Quando una ragazza c'e'...
quando esplode dentro te
quando vedi solo lei
difese piu' non hai
quando l'accompagni e poi
corri a casa perche' vuoi
dirle che ti manca gia'
e sei fregato sai...
Va cosi' stasera...vedo le fate
sto qui da un' ora...
c'e' troppa quiete
sto qui e bevo ma non ho sete
invadente te...
prepotente in me
Quando una ragazza c'e'
prendi su la moto e vai
sotto una finestra che
e' gia' spenta ormai
passi un dito su di te
dove ti ha baciato lei
ora ci fai caso che sono gia' le sei

translation (by me, so give me a break if i don't know it all haha):
when there is a girl,
when it explodes within,
when you only see her,
[difese piu' non hai
quando l'accompagni e poi]
run home because you want
to tell her you miss her already
[e sei fragato sai..]
it goes like this tonight, i see the fairies
and i stay here an hour
there's too much quiet
stay here and drink but i'm not thirsty
[invadente te...
prepotente in me]
When there's a girl
get on your moto and go
under the window
that is turned off by then
put a finger on you
where she kissed you
]ora ci fai caso] that it's already six

Fotografia by 78 Bit:
Non so cosa dirti e siamo qua
Mentre il freddo fuma il fiato
Stretto in un cappotto che di noi
Ha visto inverni più felici
Denti stretti labbra mordono
Lacrime sospese a un gesto che
Tu hai da parte ma non è per me
Amore che muore
E solo adesso che sei andata via
Strapperò quella fotografia
Perché fa male rivedere che
Io sono ancora lì vicino a te
E non mi importa cosa accadrà
E se qualcuno lo racconterà
Io non so stare ancora senza te
E non riesco più a sorridere

translation (again, by me):
I don't know what to tell you
And we are here while the cold smokes [il fiato]
Wrapped in a coat of ours
We have seen happier winters
Teeth straight, lips bite
Tears drop [a un gesto che]
You have from a part, but it's not for me
Love that dies
And only now that you're gone
I will tear that photograph
Because it hurts to see that i'm still there close to you
And i don't care what will happen
And if someone asks
I don't know how to be without you
And i can't even try to smile

-- i was feeling like a cheeseball and really lame. so i decided to share with you parts of some really good songs.

CW = can't wait

i really can't wait to leave this country.


really can't wait

ny

So my brother’s leaving for the first week in May. He is traveling to New York. Because, well, he’s a genius and is clearly going somewhere in life. He tried out for this thing, him and his group of friends designed this book thing, and they chose their design so now they get to go to New York. Do you even realize how awesome that is.he’s going to get me like really sweet stuff from New York, and I get to live in his room for a whole week.


I wish I knew what I was doing in life.

glam-sex decadence

My old blog is ableto post stuff now. Too bad it’s too late and I’ve already started this one. I am sitting here in communications. With nothing to do. Nothinggggg to do. I am kinda bored actually. I’ve been single for almost a year and I’m listening to Goldfrapp. Damn they are good. Damn do I ever hate it when those people wear they’re eyeliner real dark and have them wings on the sides. And they have that super straight hair with perfectly angled bangs and then they have some sort of emo looking headband. Usually with polka dots.
Wow Goldfrapp has been requested to do mixes for Franz Ferdinand and Marilyn Manson. Sweet heyyy. I thought so.
Anyways. I can see November of 2005 replaying soon possibly. Maybe. Who knows.
I really wanna watch a movie. Zach Braff was in an episode of Babysitters Club. Haha; wow I love him. He’s actually like so sweet. And so incredibly cute. He’s got this new movie coming out, that he’s directing.. it’s called Open Hearts. Actually, he has a lot of projects coming out soon. Two for 2007 and one for 2008. and I plan to watch all of them. And in a few years I plan to have a Zach Braff-a-thon. <333

Have I mentioned
That I am completely, totally and utterly
And possibly maybe even royally
SCREWED

lovely 2 C U

today was pretty good. one of the best days in a while actually. went to school when it wasn't even necessary, did some Biology until Jordan showed up.
when he did, we walked to Northgate, had some Orange Julius, walked back and hung out with Leigha and Jamie and Pascale and Lauren.
it was much fun.
=)

and after school.. i swear i laughed the hardest i ever laughed in the longest time. Ashley said she heard me from around the corner and down the hall. ..yeah i do that sometimes haha. but me and Leigha had a good time. she made me laugh tons. like.. tons. and it felt really good. we hadn't done that in a long time. i love laughing like that. and fuck, she makes me laugh so hard when she immitates me when i try saying something and it sounds like a bunch of jibberish. and she repeats it the way i said it and it just makes me laugh even harder. it's fucking stupid. i love it. i love her.

but yeah, speaking of friends. do you ever like.. find yourself in a moment, and you realize it's not even the same anymore. like, everyone acts like it's the same and nothing's changed, when it really has. you don't feel as comfortable around that person like you used to. and then you think of that group of friends that you had the past million years... and you feel like it was all a lie.
i mean, what's the definition of friend.. seriously? someone who you feel you can talk to about anything, and someone you know will talk to you about anything.. without hesitation. well there's those few that i never felt that way with. i always called them my best friends. i wrote messages for them in my blog.. i knew they'd never do the same thing back. and i thought about that today in ballet.. and i was just like.. wow. i pretty much wasted my time, believing we were actually best friends. i don't even know what got that notion in my head in the first place. i'm closer to people i just met than some of them.. i hate to think like that, but it's the truth. going to dance used to be the funnest thing ever, i used to go for the people and not even to dance. now i find myself actually listening and trying my best to do what i'm there to do.. minus when Lauren and Leigha are there, 'cause concentrating just isn't an option when those two are around.
and it kinda hurts.. like our whole group is just so messed up. they talk behind each other's backs and they don't like certain people. i feel like there's a wall like something missing.
maybe it's become that time where age difference actually made.. well, a difference. it never used to be that way. but then i find them talking about stuff i have no idea about and it's like we have nothing in common anymore.
maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion, but it's just how i felt today.

then again.. maybe i just expect too much.

them sex scenes

i viewed The Last Kiss last night. Starring Zach Braff. whom i love with my whole entire heart. you know what gets to me? sex scenes. they always get to me. they're just so hot and visual and it's like wow. that was amazing. especially when Zach Braff is in them. he's just so incredibly adorable and cute and i just wanna give him a monster hug everytime i see him on the screen. and then there's Rachel Bilson who conveniently plays Summer on The OC, who is also equally cute, but leaning more towards sexy. and the sex scene between these two was just so good. then there's this part in Requiem For A Dream, when Harry and Marion are in the elevator making out, THAT was a good scene too, even if it did only last like.. 5 seconds. *sigh*

1 in the lovely morning

i wish i lived with a pack of hippies sometimes. also, i think the reason i have so much cool stuff is so that when i screw up they have more to take away.

so i'm screwed in the end. i would much rather have nothing, than give someone else the satisfaction of taking something away from me.

i guess i don't have it too bad. i have my cd player, and me being so intelligent i organized my music ocllection a while ago so i have lots of music to choose from. currently listening to Gorillaz. cleaned my iPod up tonight. so i don't have a whole buncha crap i don't listen to or like.

i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning bright and early. going to wake up at 7 30 in the am. then i'm going work out for a bit, make pancakes, take a bath, put on a face mask and then i'm going to do my biology homework and drink green tea. and during the little breaks i will reward myself with, i will read...


THE FINAL BOOK OF THE SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS THAT MY LOVING BROTHER HAS BOUGHT ME TODAY.

i am SO excited. Lemony Snicket is amazing. seriously. he's probably one of the coolest most brilliant people i wish i knew. besides myself, of course. he has this new book out, The Beatrice Letters, i really want to read them and find out who Beatrice really is, sicne she is mentioned frequently in his other books. yup he's sweet.

well it is nearly 1 in the lovely morning, so i shall go to bed and reminisce over the good times i had with my cellular telephone and my iPod, by mourning over their remnants (the cell phone battery pack, and my earphones.. well technically Lauren's earphones since she is such a lifesaver and let me borrow hers while my old ones are not living anymore, anyways this is a very long parentheses, so i will end it now)

mother thinks i have psychological problems

it's true.

so i have this image of what i want to be. do you ever set this image of yourself as the person you want to be. down to the clothes you wear, the color of your hair, with your priorities set in the way you want them to be, where you're made of self-confidence and everything seems to make sense. the music you listen to, the shows you watch, your attitude towards specific things.

self-improvement.

thinking about how if you could do all these things. to surprise the world and show them exactly how you want to be.

i had italian school this morning. i've realized i really have to make some changes in my life. i do sit here, probably using the time writing about how i can change instead of actually doing it. i'm one of those all talk no walk people. maybe i could change that too. maybe i'll make a list of everything. although i recall making a deal with myself in my other blog that i would not make any lists. that was then. maybe i'll make a list. one, i'll go to church more often without complaining. what good did trashing the bible every do to my life? i really have nothing to lose. it's good to believe in something, maybe it's time to start actually showing it instead of feeling embarrassed by it because everyone is so anti-God nowadays. which i don't really grasp anyways.. teenagers can be so mainstream sometimes. two, listen to good music. last night i finally became familiar with my iPod. as you know, i have around 6000 songs on it. and most of it i didn't really give two shits about. last night, i went through every band that i had not heard of, wrote them down, listened to them, and decided whether or not they cramped my style or not. most did not cramp my style. and that's where i found that i can pretty much force myself to like anything. ...

three, stop trying to be the victim. sometimes i put myself out there knowing perfectly well how vulnerable i make myself. even when i know ahead of time i'm going to be shut down. for real. think about that. isn't that the dumbest thing you ever heard? it's like asking the postman to bring you milk, hoping to God he'd say "yes, of course Christine, i'll bring you milk instead of the mail" back to you. four, going with the flow would be ideal. five, be a closed book. if someone tells you something, you keep it to yourself. not be a human PA system, and screw up badly with everyone's trust.

six, keep some bad habits. but make them desirable. if i don't feel i should get rid of them yet, then i won't. i'll make them the next good habit. get rid of the ones that make your fingers bleed. seven, make my mother smile. eight, take the job my mother offered me. to clean the house for money. fulfills number seven as well.

nine, make friends. not boyfriends. at least for now. "in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to be whole on their own." maybe i should try being whole on my own. ten, cuddle with Baby and Boots more. eleven, stop reading trash books and read those good books Oprah keeps talking about. twelve, make time for reading.. it used to be a favorite of mine. thirteen, fulfill my materialistic needs, and then save everything else.

fourteen, have some bonding time with daddy. maybe ask him to take me for a drive now and then. fifteen, let my brother teach me to snowboard with some confidence. and not get mad at him for spending time with his girlfriend. sixteen, try being sweet instead of bitter.

seventeen, mother's always right.

- i don't know why i'm still afraid, if you weren't real i would make you up.
i wish that i could follow-through, i know that your love is true and deep as the sea.
but right now everything you want is wrong and right now all your dreams are waking up and right now
i wish i could follow you

my life movie soundtrack

Opening Credits- Die You Bastard - Motorhead Waking Up- The Model - Belle and Sebastien First Day At School- Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix Shopping- Non Finira - Daniele Vit Hanging with Friends- Pull Out - Death From Above 1979 First Kiss- I Can't Get No Satisfaction - Rolling Stones ha! Birthday- When Girls Telephone Boys - Deftones Party Scene- Dear Diary - Travis Falling In Love- Quick Death - Transplants ha! Fight Song- God Save The USA - Pennywise Breaking Up- Volcano - Damien Rice Prom- Sparks - Coldplay aww College- In The Cold Cold Night - The White Stripes Life- Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens Mental Breakdown- Mixed Emotions - Rolling Stones Driving- Crappy Payphone Song - Poem Rocket Flashback- The Gate - Sam Roberts Getting Back Together- This Protector - The White Stripes Love Scene- A Night At The Drugstore - National Skyline Wedding- Cop Theme - EZ Rollers Honeymoon- Strangest Tribe - Pearl Jam Birth of Child- Fool - Shakira Final Battle- Drama Queen - HorrorPops Death scene- Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers Funeral Song- It's Like That - Handsome Boy Modeling School End Credits- Resident Evil (Main Title Theme) - Marilyn Manson wow. my life movie soundtrack kinda sucks haha

i'm compulsive

Facebook me!

music in mouth

"i'm not over you
can i get back under?"

i'm in Communications.
and i need to study.

california here we come

"in order for two halves to be whole, they each have to whole on their own."

i just watched the oc. and i am so effing bummed about it's cancellation. i know it's really gay and nerdy but i've never gotten so attached to a show before. where i feel pure bliss about some characters, pure hatred for others. i feel like i know the characters inside and out. i feel like i've grown up next to them. and it makes me sad that there's only 6 episodes left.
it had everything. action, comedy, drama, and romance and a rockin' music selection. i don't think any show will ever live up to the oc. not even Entourage.

hmmmph. i am truly bummed over this

get your hair did

i could paint a picture with a pin
but a song will only scratch the skin
and there are still places i haven't been
because i know what's in there is all really in there

don't bring me down like that

sooo Entourage is just a rerun. i would've watched it if my brother was gonna watch it.


buuuuuuuut he was busy as usual.

o green world

get up get up get up get up get up. i dissected a fetal pig today. coolest thing ever. it seemed so surreal.. like. i think back to it right now and it all looks like child's play =) yes, i'm tlaking about the dissection of a pig.

onto other things.
in this moment i realize immaturity. think back to Bridget Jones' Diary. when she's at the Christmas party at the beginning. after she talks to that guy and all, she walks away and the movie pauses, and Bridget Jones, who is narrating, says that that was the moment. right down the very second. i had one of those. and knowing me, i might completely go against it tomorrow. but for right now, i see how incredibly immature they're being. i wrote in my blog last night, i saved it as a draft so no one could see, but i wrote. and i wrote any stupid thing that came to mind. because they made me feel like the biggest piece of crap. well for right now (key words there), my fingers won't stop bleeding and i don't need that extra baggage. not the baggage that my fingers bring, but the baggage that human being brings.
plus, there's someone there that doesn't give me that extra baggage. it's not the same, but i'm sure with time it'll become something quite nice.
but then there's always those times when i get bored and start fights for no reason. yes, i am one of those incredibly stupid people who start fights when they get bored with certain situations.

i'm actually so over it right now i don't even feel the need to waste more space in my blog writing about it. so Entourage starts in 10 minutes so i better hurry this up. my brother's girlfriend is over. after Entourage, i'm probably gonna work my center some more and possibly start Math Review?? that would be ideal im not gonna lie. good thing i believe in God.. maybe he can help me out some with my various exams. that, also, would be ideal.
i am currently listening to Gorillaz. yes, they are fantastic.
i noticed myself flirting with someone i used to dislike with a great passion last year.
i worked out today for almost an hour with Leigha (YES ITS A RECORD), and i lost 370 calories. i remember when it worked like that.. when my own elliptical trainer was actually sufficient. like, i would run for an hour almost everyday and i'd put it on the highest thing and in one hour i lost like 100 fat calories and 400 calories in general, and it was so fun too because i was at my own home where i could burst out in song as i ran. but now the stupid thing is demented, so when i raise the resistance, it shows up on the screen, but it doesn't get harder, but the calories are coutning faster because it thinks it's actually getting harder.. when it really isn't. so it frustrates me a great deal.

anyway, 4 minutes 'til Entourage.

ta ta for now =)
and i usually feel really retarded writing about the silly boys i like, but i know how Lauren feels because im feeling the exact same about him right now. he's at a hockey game right now actually... anyways, that's probably the last time you'll hear about him for awhile haha

probably a bad thing

so first day back after break heyyyy. last night went pretty well. crawled into bed at approximately 11:10 pm. Boots jumped onto my bedso i had to get up and open my door in case he wanted to leave later.
he slept with me practically the whole night. i was listening to music while he was curled into my arms and i dozed off for what seemed to be 30 minutes. then i stopped listening to music, and i fell asleep pretty well. although i laid there for practically the whole night.
weirdest thing though.. i mean, i moved around abit and Boots didn't even seem bothered at all, usually he gets up and leaves, but it seemed that there was some sort of.. like.. aura upon us or something. i was so relaxed, even though i didn't sleep the last half of the night. i laid there listening to his purring, and at one point i flopped him onto my stomach and he flopped half way off and was still asleep so he was like in this awkward position. cutest thing ever. it was nice.
i didn't feel alone. to me, he's actually a person. even Baby is. it was just real cozy. i kinda talked to him, and he'd doze off and when he stops purring you know he's completely asleep. and then he'd hear a noise and wake up and be alert for like a second, and then he'd fall back asleep again.
it was nice. being cozy in bed with Boots, and hearing the crazy wind going crazy outside. at around 3 i was considering getting out of bed to get ready for school. since i couldn't sleep and was just laying there thinking. i was hungry and i had to pee but i couldn't move.
i figured if i woke up now when i'm actually willing to wake up, it would be better than laying here until i fall asleep and end up waking up to an alarm and the thought of hating to wake up. but of course, i laid there and woke up at 5 50, pretty easily too. i went made myself some breakfast (apple and cheddar slices lol), made some Green Tea, then walked to the bathroom only to see how horrific i really looked (the afro came alive).

that was pretty much my morning. today went pretty well. came home after school and ate good food, watched some Miss Seventeen ha. Teddy Greiger is actually very sexy. and i was totally unaware that he's only 16. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? i sure as hell couldn't i thought he was in his mid-twenties.. i mean, he got to make out with Kristen from LB.. i forgot her last name. OH WAIT i didn't. it's like Callavari.. i think. anyways. he's so sexy. i mean, his voice and those blue eyes. they're amazing. he's amazing.

anyways. so um is it normal to not be worried about finals after this semester has sucked some major ass? because to be quite frank, i'm not really worried.
it's seems i have stirred up some nonsense in my head that no matter what happens i'll do good. maybe 'cause no matter what DID happen in the past, i've always managed to do reasonably well, so it's just normal for me to think i'll do alright.

that's probably a bad thing hey..

who'll come back for you?

trust is an issue for everyone. for me, it can be.
i can't fully trust some of the most important people in my life.
maybe that means i have trust issues, but it seems i trust strangers more than people i know.

sometimes i think i have trouble trusting some people for a few reasons.
1) i don't feel worth keeping a promise to
2) if i was keeping a certain promise like that to someone, i myself wouldn't keep it
3) i make myself vulnerable, and usually give everyone a chance to stab me in the back
on the other hand, i easily trust people too, unless they give me a reason not to. it's probably easier to trust people you just meet though, because even if they don't follow through it's not a blow to the heart. it's funny how that works. it should be easier to trust people closer to you and difficult to trust strangers rather than the other way around...

you know how i picture it?
you know in the Titanic, when Jack is handcuffed to that column in the bottom of the ship? and when Rose finds him, she goes to find help and she promises to come back?
well, i put myself in Jack's situation.
if i was handcuffed to a sinking ship, who would come back for me? i close my eyes and place myself in that situation, and then i alternate who's in Rose's position. if you were going to drown in a sinking ship, who do you think you'd feel most comfortable knowing they had your life in their hands?

and when you stand there handcuffed, and they go to find help, what are you thinking? sometimes it's "oh shit, i pretty much committed suicide" if you feel you don't trust that person will come back for you. but sometimes it's "i can't wait to get out of here" if you feel you do trust that they will come back for you.

it's weird to think about. who'll come back for you?