Sept.22 2008 1:20 pm

_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

.......
Everyone just seems like a blank slate of nothing. i'm sure they have more to them but i have no interest. why does he have to leave me here by myself.

If i can't make myself happy, how can i make other people happy?

How do i attack this? How do i figure this out? what the fuck is in store for me? do i feel happy? will i ever be happy? what is it to be happy anyways?

the knife is happy if he can cut properly. what is my function? being rational? what does that even mean, Aristotle? i have goosebumps on my legs. in this studio. rely on me. rely on myself. no one can do anything for you. jst write, keep writing. keep figuring, figuring it out. turn off the phone and just be without it, without expecting something, without hope. just be ok with this bubble of what you're doing and soak it all up.

this studio is more comforting than i expected. it's hard to make friends. what opens people up? what makes them know you?

today in Design we had critique.

when it came to the pattern i designed, Bryan said he saw a hint of M.C. Escher in it.

so i can't just write in my blog and not mention last night's events and how fabulous i looked,
and how much i love clubbing with Calvin because he is so good at cock-blocking creepy club guys. it was a really good night, which ended in me being somewhat irritated. but it was nothing a late night McDonald's trip can't fix.. and maybe a very sweet and much needed text conversation 'til 4 in the morning...

i wore Breanne's dress which looked crazy amazing on me (you'll have to check out the photo album on the side named "Calvin's 18th Birthday"), but i was self-conscious at the start of the night simply because i wasn't wearing a bra and let's just say the night was somewhat chilly.. Calvin loves my boobs, though, and when i don't wear a bra, he thinks it's very Au Couture and natural and sexy, and the fact that mine are so little makes him love them even more. ps, he is gay and more feminine than any female i've ever met. oh boy do i ever love Calvin.

anyways, we stroll into The Bank and immediately do birthday jager bombs (i spent $22.75 on 3!) and i had made the sad mistake of inviting Dave to come so i could dance with him. if you remember Dave correctly, he is the one i went on two dates with this year and it never went any further, and he is also the first guy who didn't irritate me when we danced. well, perhaps i was trying to hard to have another moment, because i didn't feel comfortable with him at all, he ended up leaving early which was perfect for me because i just wanted to dance with Calvin and Co. Calvin is an amazing dancer he definitely has the right moves. definitely. and whenever there was a creep creeping behind or around me, he would completely grab me and switch sides and push the guy away with his back. he said he would protect me, and that he did, and i appreciated it. some guy near the end of the night tapped me on the shoulder and asked if i was Miss Universe.. when i said no he asked if i was Miss Canada, or Miss America and i said no and then he asked if i wanted to marry him and i said no, and then he said oh com'on.. and then i awkwardly inched towards Calvin, who was failing at saving me at that specific point haha.

thats a difference between me and Breanne.. if she was in that situation she would have found him charming and a conversation or dance would have flourished as a result, but when things like that happen to me, i feel uncomfortable and the last thing i want to do is look that man in the eyes. which always ends up worrying me, Breanne always manages to disappear with random guys whether it be in a quieter spot, or outside and when i can't see my best friend in the vicinity, i start to worry and i start doing laps until i find her and know she's ok.

i can't help but be a worrier.. i don't want bad things happening to people i care about.

anyways, me and Mike danced for awhile and that was good, i told Calvin to lay off the cock-blocking for that haha.

i don't like the layout of the Bank, at all, however. there's too many things going on, and too many obstacles that it makes it a lot crowded than it actually is and we all know Christine can only take so much of her personal bubble being invaded and pushed around before she's Miss Grumpy Pants. i was incredibly irritated by the end of the night, the consequence of Breanne giving out and smoking over half my pack of slims (without even asking me first) which i had just bought Friday morning, how fucking cold it was, how crowded it was, how sticky the floors were.. the list could continue, but you get my drift.

but i looked fucking good even with a shaving accident on my thigh in plain view, and a huge scratch on my elbow.

i just wanted to put on some pants. on a more important note, what is UP with the US?!

This is a call of arms to live and love and sleep together
We could flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever
Lock the parents out, cut a rug, twist and shout
Wave your hands
Make it rain
For stars will rise again

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

In a couple of years
Tides have turned from booze to tears
And in spite of the weather
We could learn to make it together

The youth is starting to change
Are you starting to change?
Are you?
Together

The youth

(as you can see, I am fucking obsessed with MGMT and their words and beats.)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah

ps, my brother's new glasses look incredibly RAD, its too bad i only get to see them for another 3 weeks...

pps, this tuna, mayo, tomato, and cheese sandwich (on triangle bread!) is perfection

ppps, i can't wait for the Bank.

i came home this morning from a good night on Whyte,
felt gross and took a bath and thought...

instead of asking God to answer my questions, maybe I should ask him to answer the questions of the people i care most about... maybe mine will ultimately be answered.

i have to let it go, this is a needle of time in the massive hay stack of eternity.. it doesn't matter one bit.

and to make things worse, i am a self-righteous cunt bag who should be giving more attention to her best friend who is having a lot bigger issues right now. mine hardly compare.

perhaps i thought he was dead that night, but i should look at it as, at least he's alive. and leave it at that.

live and let live?

in philosophy we talked about self-interest. i tune in and out of those lectures, but i do get interested at some peak moments, fortunately. what got me interested was Ethical egoism and Psychological egoism.. ( i had to grab my binder for that one).. questioning, "are human actions always based on self-interest?" i thought heck yes.

i mean, even when i do something nice.. like just a few minutes ago i cleaned the bathroom, toilet and all, and although i fucking hate doing it, i feel relieved afterwards.. almost a sense of cleanliness, and relief that i won't have to do it again until tomorrow or the next couple of days.
it's just like that, i think.

so right now, i will act self-interestedly and not deal with things that will bring me down.
"you are worth coming back for." am i, really?

hell yes i am.

i don't know what happened,
but i seem to have just discovered my own body.

as i've said earlier, i weighed 155 pounds before Italy,
i now waver between 140-143 pounds and if you ask me, I do not look like i lost 10-15 pounds. (what's weirder, is i've been unexpectedly maintaining that weight... i eat when i want, and i think sometimes i eat too much, but i always seem to be 143 pounds.. i don't understand it. i don't think i'll ever reach 150 again! i mean, that one night at Breanne's i ate SO MUCH JUNK and i still managed to stay this way)

BUT
in the process of figuring out what to wear this weekend, I tried on all my old skinny jeans, and they all fit comfortably! this is so exciting! all i need is spandex to wear under them.. or some underwear that doesn't slide down with the pants, and i'm set!

i am in complete awe right now

man oh man
if whoever reading this has not listened to MGMT is for certainly missing out.
DOWNLOAD A S A P
so fucking good

things are starting to look up despite a situation.
i've gotten in touch with a few people from high school, including Mike, whose always been a pretty good guy despite my bitchiness towards him last summer.

I stayed at school until 6:30, worked on my art and design projects which i have to finish Friday morning. it's nice to just be in the studio.. after classes are over it empties out (even though there are only ten of us to begin with) and it's sort of a nice Oasis. today after philosophy i picked up a multi-grain bagel with sundried tomato (i love it and they had it today, bonus!) and walked to Deweys, got chamomile tea and went to the studio almost an hour early for Design. Hannah, Emily and Matt were up there already so we just talked and i ate my food and i felt so lucky to have this quiet place i could just go to to do anything i want, at any time of the day, on any day of the week.

anyways, Friday after school i'm going to meet Breanne and we are going to go shopping because i need clothes that are suitable for the Bank... meaning i need female clothes, which i have hardly none of. we're gonna end up at Black Dog that night, and hopefully with people i havent seen since graduation, who don't go to the University.. it'll be nice. it's Keith's birthday, too bad he can't play the drums for us courtesy of Black Dog Entertainment. lol
then we will be heading to Calvin's aunts place for his pre-party. i am hoping to get really drunk for once, because I haven't since my 18th, and i'm not sure i was actually really drunk then to begin with.

Saturday night we will be going to the Bank for Calvin's actual birthday party, where we will do birthday jagger bombs (mmm..) hopefully i can handle two nights in a row of drinking.
i can't believe i am speaking in this manner, i never drink, and i hate alcohol that tastes like alcohol.

i shall suck it up, though, it's about time.

Sunday morning i work 7 am -noon (yay) and then i have driving from 1-3:30.. which reminds me, i have to book my driving exam. i am a superb driver by the way, i can't wait to contribute to carbon dioxide pollution in the air.

hopefully my weekend goes as i plan it, i really need it. i am going to stop being a hermit, and i am going to get my head in this game called University.
i will immerse myself in important things, i will marinate my brain in the arts and party people.

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

today sucked, yesterday sucked,
and in all the events that made them sucky (which according to Conor don't qualify as complaints, and i have nothing to complain about pfft)
i felt real lonely.

i'm on facebook, and totally forgot that i always have a best friend i can talk to who is completely out of any situation i'm in.. he's on the other side of the country, actually.

he said "hey you" on facebook and asked how i was. i said "real shitty, can i call you?"

i love Pablo, i really truly do, he is my best friend and there is no doubt in my mind that we are soulmates.

1101st post!

now what really makes me wonder is how come i have so much to say on here, and then nothing to say to people in person.

today i woke up.
got yelled at.
yelled back.
drove to the University to photocopy some of my design project,
drove back home
worked on my project,
cleaned out a huge pile of papers from last year
-just looking through all my Chemistry notes and throwing out every paper that didnt have a cool doodle on it felt so so good. if it was any other time in my life looking at those notes, i would have been worried... knowing i never have to look at another chemical formula or periodic table again gave me the greatest happiness i had ever known. but i kept every piece of paper that had a neat doodle on it.. and i found some random notes i had written during spares.. like journal entries.-
ate supper,
rented Charlie Bartlett with my brother,
got ice cream from Dairy Queen,
watched Charlie Bartlett and disliked it.

sitting here, bored, might watch another movie, or work on all those South Park episodes i have recorded.

tomorrow i have a driving refresher course from 1-3:30, i hope it isn't with Shane, the dumb instructor i had last September.

this whole driving deal is stressing me out so much. i wish i just had my license and this whole thing was over with. i should have gotten it so long ago. ah i hate driving with an instructor.
this may sound weird, but i'd rather the instructor be a robot instead of an actual human being.. this year i'll wear my sunglasses so i feel more comfortable.

this morning i woke up at 9:00, got ready, left the house at 9:50 and drove all the way to the University.

not by myself, of course. my brother was in the passenger seat, and i was really happy that i got to drive my car to school =)

once there, i went straight to the library to start my photocopying for my 2nd Design project, went to the studio to organize my stuff, had class at noon, got out of class at 12:50, went to the studio to pick up all my materials and finished products, trained to Clareview, and came home around 2.

i just ate my late lunch.
i am now going to blast my music, sing, and work on my Design project

yay! i love school an unhealthy amount.

Breanna has told me about her job. I think i might apply. i'll stay at second cup of course, but i want money and i always put off getting a different job simply because i don't want to put the effort into learning the ropes at something new, and meeting new people, and if every job starts out the way second cup started for me, then i want nothing to do with starting a new job.. unless its my career of course.

but she explained it to me, and i've always been jealous of those people who sit at desks their whole shift and get paid so much, and work whenever they want..
when i have to deal with fussy customers, rush hours, chocolate syrup all over me, crusty milk in my hair, burns, on my feet the whole shift, having trouble saying no to shifts, being worried i won't get holidays off...
i'm tired of it. i think i'm gonna work 5 hours a week at second cup, and 5 hours a week at this other job. i'll get 50 cent raise every semester and if i come back next year, they'll start me at 13.50

i want money, and i know Conor would be disappointed in me saying that, but if i can squeeze money out of the government, i will for surely do it!

i'm going to stop dressing like a bum.
i'm going to start doing sit-ups.

my brother is moving to Holland on October 15th?!?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT

i downloaded The Subways newest album.

i need up-beat, fast-paced, electro, Hot Chip, Shout Out Out Out Out, Santogold, Ting Tings, Moby-esque music right now.

i really do need

i'm sick
i'm tired
i create my own doom
if i let go
i'd be better off, i know for sure.
not everyone has ulterior motives, stop searching for warning signs. why do i think everyone has ulterior motives?
is it because i, myself, have ulterior motives?
leading me to believe everyone does as well?

i'm not God, i'm just a human, get fucking over it.
i can't be God. i can't be any god.

i should stomp on the fucking egg shells if i want to. i cower in the corner,
always admitting my mistakes, making things obvious, making it clear to everyone when it may have been unclear to begin with.. and maybe to end with.

i dictate my own life, it seems. i dictate negatively, and it ends up likewise.

no more.

i know i've been going nuts with blogging here lately, but i just found the source of DON'T THINK JUST FEEL!

this is so exciting because i could not remember for the life of me, where the heck i got it from.
i was digging through old music, and i started listening to The Subways (love) and i looked up the simple lyrics to She Sun (love) and here they are.. ps, check out the song its brilliant..

She sun does nothing
She won't tell nothing
She changed
She's strange...
Don't think
Just feel it
Keep it
The feelings

She changed
She's strange...

so a bunch of Conor's friends from Drayton Valley are in this band called Sex With The City.
when i first heard them, i thought
ick.
it's totally not my style of music, and a few lines still make me cringe but
being forced to listen to it in the car with Conor so many times,
i find myself going to their myspace to listen to them haha

it's grown on me. WEIRD
you should check them out

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon".
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

school was pleasant today. in art we did a critique on our projects.. mine wasn't very strong. i didn't really like that project to begin with, unfortunately. we started on a new project. we painted in chinese ink with a branch.. we joked we were all getting back to our roots in the paleolithic time period. we're all in the same art history class too, where we looked at some art from the paleolithic, so we all got a few chuckles out of that one..

i had philosophy and drank more water than anything else.

studied for a bit with Conor,
went to design, had a critique. it was cool to see what everyone else did with their projects and how my way of thinking and arranging things compared to their ways. we started on a new project, which looks pretty interesting. i have to come up with two master tiles with two different patterns, and then we have to do a whole bunch of shrinking and multiplying and rotating to make a more complex pattern.

i'm just trying to look through things artsy things i've kept in the past for some inspiration. i don't want to do something geometric.. i want something simple so it won't look cluttered in the final product.. i'm searching arabic letters and different patterns. i think it would be sweet to incorporate some lines and designs from arabic letters..

they look pleasant.

wow i just found the coolest thing! nice pattern...

I certainly haven't been spreading myself around. I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb, But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so I can't stop changing all the time.

i thought he was dead

i just spent an hour looking at old pictures.

i don't know if it's because i took more pictures of social outings then than i do now,
but it seems i might have been a lot more fun back then...

christine,
stop being so greedy
and stop expecting too much.

you have what you wanted,
you have all the time in the world
if not today, then tomorrow
if not tomorrow
then some other day.
things don't need to happen right now.
like what you have because it's what you wanted
all along.

Love,
christine

i want to take more pictures of people.
i'm going to take the camera with me everywhere.

yesterday was interesting.
i worked in the studio from 8:30-11:30.. i had a class at noon, so i picked up some matboard, and the novel Wuthering Heights for english within a half hour, and then i went to Philosophy. thank God that was only 50 minutes. right after class, i grabbed a tea and went to the studio to work again. i was there until 4:00
i got everything done, though.
went to Dewey's which is conveniently located under my art and design studio.. sat with Brendan and Conor for a bit and then went to Conor's. waited a long time for the number 8, but we got there
and ate Delissio pizza.
around 7, Breanne came over and we all went to the fashion show.
Emily met us there, and after the fashion show we went to Churchill for a FREE LIVE SHOW BY SHOUT OUT OUT OUT OUT

yay!
the wild dancer in me, who was trapped since before i went to Italy, was released.

around.. 11:11 we left, and went to Tim Hortons, and then Breanne drove me home.

it was fun, but i always want more.
past tense sucks.

this morning in art i nearly had a breakdown for several reasons:

1. i was over-tired due to the Bloc Party concert last night (i shall elaborate later)
2. the dumb train was packed and was delayed, making me nearly ten minutes late for art GASP
3. we had to draw negative space of the most complicated still life (bicycles with spokes GASP)

ok, so about the Bloc Party concert last night. it was fantastic, minus the shitty sound at Edmonton Event Center. people were crowd-surfing, got kicked to the back, one guy even managed to jump onto the stage and sing with Kele Okereke. i'm pretty tolerant when it comes to crowded crowds, but after awhile, i can't take it. my clausterphobia kicks in and i get frustrated, especially when i'm being squashed into the railing in front of the stage. i have to admit though, pushing back just as hard felt so good. i wanted to elbow everyone in my radius in the face. minus my brother, of course.
Shout Out Out Out Out opened for them, and i had never listened to them before last night, and they were really good. i think my favorite was watching both drummers on different drum sets banging the drums so synchronized. it was truly magical. i practically went nuts. this girl and this guy standing behind me totally rubbed me the wrong way, though.. literally. she was constantly jumping and all i could feel was her crotch on my ass. my personal bubble was completely destroyed last night and it made me agitated lol.

i like my space, unless someone i like is invading it. i shouldn't complain though, it's kind of expected at a concert. i didn't know the layout of Ed's, though, so i couldn't exactly prepare for what happened.

anyways, today i was completely tired and late and upset. Conor's texts made me smile though. i got through my drawing, completing Project 1.3 of Art, and about thirty minutes ago i finished Project 1.3 for Design. things are looking up... tomorrow morning at school i'm going to read English and start sketching for Art.

i am totally using my time wisely! i was the only one in design who had finished Project 1.2, what a keener i am! i definitely enjoy Design a lot more than Art... i have no drawing abilities, though, so that's a given.

but i was freaking out this morning. Projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Art and projects 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4 in Design are due on Monday and we're going to do critiques.

yesterday in Art History, my focus stayed unbroken for the whole class and i took substantial notes.

i'm so glad i'm doing what i'm doing.. i would have it no other way.

i cut my finger today with the xacto knife.
i felt like a true designer.

so i have lots to say,
and i just sent Heather a jam-packed message on facebook, and a lot of what i said in there is stuff i wanted to say on here, so here are some pieces from her message...

and school is awesome! i really really like it, and maybe i'm speaking too soon, but i'm really enjoying it. first thing that happened on the first day when i got off the train was run into Andrea which was cool.. we were both running late though so we only said hey. and that same day my art class was going on a tour ending at the art store, and on the way i saw Mel which was also cool haha. i also talked to Kelsey when she had a Twee booth in SUB which was cute. and Dewey's is a regular hangout.. me and Conor and our friends are always there and i had my second tea from there today! i had at this morning and my prof is Lisa Turner and our first drawing was blind contour.. drawing the person next to us! me and my partner Matt were the only boy/girl partnership (lol) and i had to stare him in the eyes and draw everything about him. i laughed. it was weird. i have trouble maintaining eye contact with people i actually know, and here i had to do it with a stranger.. and draw! the second drawing we had to do was continuous line with non-dominant hand.. i was a little better, and our third was continuous line with our dominant hand, and it didn't turn out bad at all.. i was pleasantly surprised. our final one was a simple life complex continuous line, and with my viewfinder i was able to get things pretty nicely proportionate. i thought of you when you taught me to mentally measure things and i found it exhausting. i did that for a full 50 minutes and my arm was very sore. it was a good class, though.. i was really hesitant when i started the simple life project, as i didn't want to make any mistakes, but once i drew the shape of the table everything else seemed to follow nicely after.

i had an hour break after art, and met with a friend who i hadn't seen since junior high. i had philosophy from 1-2, and that class i've learned is sort of a bore... and then i had an hour break where i met Conor at Dewey's to study. and then i had design. my prof is Greig Rasumussen and today he even asked me if i had an older brother who did industrial design and i said.. Daniel? and he said Yes! i can see the family resemblance. Say hello to him for me.
which i have yet to do. Daniel will be pleased, he told me Greig is brilliant. so far, he is. i finished Project 1.1 today, which is basically an arrangement of 5 different rectangles (the golden section rec., square root rec., equilateral rec., 2x3 rec., and 1x2 rec.). i still have to do 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 due for monday. it was a lot of fun though, i liked having 3 hours to measure, cut out, arrange, outline and label these rectangles. 3 hours went by superfast and i ended up being the second last person out of the room because i wanted to finish it so bad. and i asked a lot of questions, you would have been proud.. i wasn't even scared to ask. probably because there's only ten people in my class , but oh well. when i had an idea for my rectangles and a cool labelling system, i'd ask Greig what he thought and he told me and i would re-arrange and ask again if it was ok, and at the end when almost everyone was gone i showed him the final product and he said he liked the sharpness of the ink and the corners, and how precise everything was. he even gave me a tip (that i think you gave me a while back) for when i had deep lnes with small amounts of graphite left behind.. use a kneadable eraser and shape one side into a point and manoeuvre it into the pencil grooves of the paper. it was a really sweet class, and even though i spend 6 hours in that studio every monday and wednesday, they always seem to go by extremely fast.

i already plan to stay after class on wednesday to finish another few projects and basically all of friday as well...

tomorrow i have art history and english right after. my at history prof is Santa-Balazs, who Daniel said is "really wicked!" and she seemed it on thursdays class, so i'm excited about that class too. the only classes i'm not so into are Philosophy and English.. but they both really have nothing to do with my degree, so i guess it's a good indicator that i've chosen the right program.

cancel

resize rotate auto-fix remove red-eye crop add text see much more...

Tiny (100 x 75) Small (160 x 120) Medium (320 x 240) More options

Left Right Flip Upside-down

print at Target photo prints photobooks posters mugs stickers photo disks and more …

100%

as you can see, i was the ultimate teeny-bopper.. but i somehow miss some of this

i just logged onto my old accounts on photobucket. i think it's time for a flashback...









oh Communications class with William in grade eleven...

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
Y'know I'm blind so why d'you disagree

(Bridge)
So take me away cos I just don't want to stay
And the lies you make me say
Are getting deeper every day
These are crazy days but they make me shine
Time keeps rolling by

(Chorus)
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
We're gonna make a better day
All around the world, you've got to spread the word
Tell them what you've heard
You know it's gonna be o.k.

So what you gonna do when the walls come falling down?
You never move you never make a sound
So where you gonna swim with the riches that you found?
If you're lost at sea I hope that you've drowned

a heart is no place to be singing from at all

fuck it.


i trust you

i'm scared for what might happen to this.
a rub on the back tells me not to worry.. but

i feel so much better knowing i can write.

although i love my classes, i can't help but feel like i'm some sort of imposter, like i don't belong in this environment where people line up for hours to buy textbooks, where people go to school on a huge campus. i think it's gonna end in a week. it hasn't hit me yet that i'm over grade school, this is how schooling is going to be for me from now on. it's weird.

according to me, i'm still ten years old
and i somehow think you'll want to hold my hand forever.

first day of school.

i am dead.

i am excited, though. very very. i love school.

so tomorrow is first day of school
!

i'm just going through what i'm gonna wear tomorrow. i didnt go back to school shopping yet.. for clothes nor supplies.
i don't want to appear too try hard with my clothes, so i'm just wearing my dark blue jeans with no belt (no thong tomorrow!), Heather's volcom tank top, and my billabong hoodie.

i'm still deciding on shoes... i think i'll wear my brown and blue Pro-Keds.


wish me luck

AUG27.08 technically AUG28.08, but you know these late nights...

my heart hurts, Conor has gone to sleep. i just want to write. i usually have nothing important to say, i just want to write and write and write and write with no destination in mind. you are very cute. i like you very much. my heart hurts. my pointless writing sucks. i should draw. i'm scared to screw up. but why? i'm gonna have about 40 journals.

can you even begin to guess or empathize with the disappointment i feel when i can't draw? i don't really try though, i guess. i'm going to school to learn, Remember? i'm not perfect. i can't draw. i go to school to learn. you get that gross feeling and you know it holds you back. you seen it in Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem. i think of Leigha everytime i see or hear that and i think it's lame and ridiculously over used. Seize the Day. does that even mean anything anymore? all the juices have been sucked out of it.

I KNOW YOU ARE CREATIVE. just be forward with thoughts. let them be known. if you imagine Virgin Mary breaking through your walls, or if you imagine life on the ceiling, be aware of that thought, don't let it get away without recognition. Analyze. Recognize. Document.
YOU ARE CREATIVE. YOU ARE LEARNING. YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE MOTIVATED. YOU WILL GET OVER YOUR FEARS. YOU WILL

distraction/retrospect

i could not sleep.
i was in bed almost asleep
and then i wondered if i finished writing in my journal.
i got up
went on the computer
and i just now realized that i haven't yet looked at my journal.. so i shall do that now..

yup, just like i thought, i stopped writing mid-sentence, i don't remember what distracted me
but i'm sure it was a distraction
everything is a distraction
i wonder what life would be like without distractions
i like having the word distraction in every line i write.

distraction distraction
i would be a genius, i think.

i went to the university, Daniel showed me the places i will be spending the most time in for the next 4 years of my life.
i went home and slept.
i woke up and went to Conor's.
i washed his dishes, he vacuumed the floor.
we watched youTube videos, he drew pictures and words on my back.
we took out the garbage, he drove me home.

i need to get more energy.. i'm going to have to get more energy or i know i won't survive 9 hour days. i'm so used to high school spares and minor stresses, and having almost no care in the world.

scratch that, funny that i would say i had almost no cares in the world in high school, when my high school self would totally disagree. retrospect sucks.

retrospect always seems more positive. perhaps because retrospect means its already done and you don't have to worry about it anymore..
i don't know what i'm saying.

what would you say if you could say anything at all

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever


(i will be posting Oasis lyrics for a while now)

i'm gonna start reading my Art History text book.

i can totally do this... i just need to take it one day at a time and avoid looking at the entire picture at once.
this is totally what i want to do with my life, i will try my hardest and work hard. there's no way that i can't do that.

i will love every minute of it

AUG31.08
for some reason i thought it was August 30. school starts soon.
i have an ugly lonely spell right now.
i'm only 18. things will happen. my life is just a big rain cloud over me right now. things i have to do, books i have to read. i fell like everything is just waiting to be accomplished, but i can't seem to just do it. if i just did things i set out to do, maybe i'd have more to say to people. maybe i'm not as over high school mentality as i thought. maybe where i thought i was capable of intense conversation, i'm really not... this is such a sad realization.

i just stay in the background and say nothing. i just stare and listen and analyze people, their expressions and mannerisms. and for what really? so i can be forgotten and never stand out? i thought i had broken out of my shell years ago. maybe there's a lot more to break through still. i regret being ignorant to most things in my life.. if i paid attention more to simple, everyday things, i might have more to say about things.

i feel like i've been quiet my whole life. i've said nothing, done nothing, impacted
No One.
i think the only thing that will make me feel better right now is if i listen to Bob and talk to God...

i'm sure he misses me.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Hold me down - all the world's asleep
I need you now - you've knocked me off my feet
I dream of you - we talk of growing old
But you said please don't !

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done

Let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away.

Slide away - and give it all you've got
My today - fell in from the top
I dream of you - and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Slide in baby - together we'll fly
I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
I'll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don't know what to do
Two of a kind We'll find a way
To do what we've done

God was sitting on my head. he grabbed my hands and clapped them together. he strained my voicebox and tickled my brain for the lyrics he knew were in there. He was totally right there. in every puff of marijuana smoke i could see erupting over the crowd in random spots. "where were you when we were getting high?", there were more marijuana smoke eruptions for that song for sure.

there is nothing like live music. live music is better than love, sex, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. to stand there in the center of the people, we were all connected. unfamiliar faces were familiar to me because we were feeling the exact same thing in the exact same moment. a concert is more than just a concert. it's proof that people have a love for something, that people believe in something real.

this is what the Gallaghers do to me, world. you need to listen to what they say, and what they play and you'll find it beautiful, same as me. it's when you hear the first couple chords and your brain knows right away... thousands of brains know right away. you roar because you want to participate and you don't want to feel out of the bubble. you stand up and wave your arms and laugh and mess up the words 'cause no one gives a shit and everyone's in love with the air.

you can find me chasing the sun.

i've collected a few golden websites
and i love spending time discovering new music

when i started this new blog over a year ago, i was really affected by the saying "don't think just feel". i can't remember where i read it, but i remember skimming by it, going back to it to actually think about, and it made me feel so much better about situations.

don't think, just feel.
i need to do that more.

but then i think again.
think again think again
think again

how would bob react, how would chris react.. or andy or che.
the walk down the hill is far too bumpy to attack right away. i might as well enjoy the horizon all by myself and rest my back against the lonely tree.
perhaps i shouted so loudly i didn't hear anything else going on around me?
maybe if i listened more the skies would shout back at me what i was shouting at them.

think again. steer away from what i am. i can outgrow it. why can't i live the way i wish i lived? my habits get in the way and although i want to be carefree, i'm not. i'm not. i could listen to you more.
i wish i had more secrets.
i wish i had more things i could keep to myself.
i wish i had more things you were desperate to figure out.

it's too late now to stifle the way i really am. the one thing bothering me is the one thing that can make me feel better.

why ???

i've walked up the hill to only find a lonely tree. no, i didn't laugh.
on the way up the hill i stepped on rocks and grass and shouted my life story at the top of my lungs. i shared with the sky and whoever was listening the words i'd written, the thoughts i'd thought, the things i'd done. running the few last steps of the hill, when all the horizon came into my view, i became disappointed. i wasn't expecting to see an unbroken horizon. i was expecting to see the silhouette of someone else.

although i don't want to expect there to be another hill, i plan to tackle it in silence and leave my book closed. this way, i won't expect someone to meet me at the top.

Penelope died.


and that is not a joke. i can't believe it. my first fish, and she lasted two months.
i miss her =(

yesterday i went to the eye doctor. on the way back Conor picked me up from Belvedere and we went to Kingsway because he needed to buy shoes. sexy shoes at that. and then we went to his place and watched Green Street Hooligans, and then later on we went to see The Dark Knight.

fabulous movie. fabulous day.
today i'm driving to Saskatchewan.

i crashed my car.


haha just kidding. i shouldn't say that. i drove it quite well today.
we went to Londonderry, where the tailor told Daniel his pants would be ready in an hour, so we moved onto West Edmonton Mall. we checked out my iPod at the new Apple store which could probably be mistakened for heaven on earth. except they gave me bad news about the black hole my screen has attained. it can't be fixed, but i guess i'll have to put up with it until next summer... when i think i'm gonna buy a new Mac laptop and an iPod. it'll be my investment. we then went to Urban Outfitters to get Daniel a shirt for this wedding. i immediately had good ideas and he ended up with a nice sweater to wear, and after some necessary fabric frolicking, i unwillingly left empty handed. i want clothes when i go there. i wish it wasn't so expensive.

i've decided i'll go back before school starts. i'm gonna buy two sweaters, a pair of sweatpants, and a pair of nice nice jeans. maybe i'll get another pair of those American Apparel sweatpants.. i love those. in grey this time , so i'll have green black and grey sweatpants. my staple clothing.

and the sweaters i'll get from either Value Village or Urban Outfitters... and the jeans i'll have to actually spend some good money on.

well after the West Edmonton adventure we went back to Londonderry to see if his pants were ready yet. we ended up waiting a little bit more. and then his pants were fine, so we then went to Canadian Tire.

that was interesting, because i needed to buy mats for my car (we got tan ones to match the interior :D) and i ended up running into Josh and Marshall from elementary haha.
it was really sweet to see them. it's been about two years i think since i last seen them. before that, it was probably grade 6 haha.

anyways, i have to organize my bag, my closet, get some CDs in a box to put in my car, and figure out what i'm going to wear to this wedding!

ps i did ALL the driving today and i'm still alive. and i'm gonna drive to Saskatchewan on Friday!

this morning i played the chauffeur, as my brother needed to run some errands, and i needed/wanted to drive my beautiful Saab around the streets of Edmonton.

my cell phone has been silent for awhile now, Conor is camping at Pigeon Lake. i wonder if it was stormy last night.

we went to the gym last night and i walked out after a 55 minute run and it was sprinkling and it was humid. i walked to my car opened it and sat down. parked closer to the building for when Daniel came out. i felt like an adult. in my car. on my own.

but in a parking lot.

we came home and i ate half a bowl of cereal and i'm glad to say i've been maintaining my weight. i left for Italy and was 155 pounds. i am now 145 pounds and it only seems to be dropping.

it's a real weird change. i don't watch television anymore, i don't feel the need for food anymore. i think it's because with Conor and Breanne, i have a real social life i can replace tv and food with. it makes me think.. this is what real social human beings do!

last night as i was lonely
i played my music and worked on my project.
my project is the birthday card of a family friend who is turning 80 soon.
i've decided to make it sentimental and unnecessary, simply because it is my time filler.. something to color, cut and paste when i have nothing else to do.
it's not turning out as cool as i thought it would, but it's already pretty extensive, so it's the thought that counts.

i keep having urges to do something with my room. there's only so much a person can do to their bedroom, and i can't wrap my mind around it.

no, it is fine the way it is right now.

i love the smell of my car. i suppose i haven't formally introduced it to the world yet, have i?
it's a 2004 9-5 turbo Saab. it's a grey-ish, black-ish, blue-ish, brown-ish color (it's pretty complex, depending the lighting it's in), has heated seats, a sun roof, triptronics, pressure windshield system, 49 000 km, CD and tape, and ignition between the driver and passenger seats.. all for 15000 dollars. it's a beautiful car, and i've got some names picked out for it (female Swedish names, mostly) and once i drive it more and get to know it, i will choose from my list:

-Molly
-Petra (stone)
-Astrid (divine beauty)
-Ingrid
-Marion (from Requiem for a Dream)
-Marla (from Fight Club)
-Edie (as in Edie Sedgwick)
-Hanna (gracious)
-Sylvia (from La Dolce Vita)

i think they're very cute names.

i'm bored. i may drive me and my brother to the fringe later on.

i love my car. the doorbell's ringing.

yesterday, the fringe with Conor and Breanne.
it's been an alright week.

something you didn't know,
when i was a kid, i had this red and gold jacket that i would wear and pretend to be Michael Jackson in.
when we went to Italy, my mom would treat me like some sort of performing dog and tell me to do Michael Jackson for people, and i would imitate him. i don't remember exactly what i did, but my mom told me that i would do Thriller.

hahahah she reminded me of this, this summer, and i couldn't be more happy about it. Michael Jackson will always have my heart.

the sexiest guitar playing i've seen is found in the music video for Time Is Running Out by Muse.

Matthew Bellamy could not look any better than that. well maybe he can, but it would be very difficult.

i miss Muse, i think i'l start listening to them again, they really are quite talented.

i'm finishing the rest of my vermicelli bowl.
mmm...

this is what i do.
i experience, i write
almost immediately

i was above the clouds, im telling you,
but i know if i was under them, i would have felt the same.

i don't want to make a big deal, because wandering eyes may wander here and if certain ones do, then.. they may get scared.

i looked at the street lights
and i thought without thinking
like i chew my nails without thinking
and my thoughts went from thought to thought to thought
and happy.

a squeeze on the finger, a smile
happy.

just that
yup

it was quite a nice day. Heather picked me up around 11 and i just tagged along as she ran her last few errands before she leaves tomorrow :(

i bought a tape adapter and sweatpants and a sleeveless hoodie at American Apparel.

i was gonna say other stuff, but i think i might take a nap.
a yawn has just consumed my whole face.

and my car is now on our property. it's beautiful.

my thoughts are crushing my neck. at least thats what i think is causing this pain.

i want to sleep, but i don't

he texted me today asking when i work so he could stop by to get his souvenir.
what a dick thing to say. although i'm sure he didnt mean it that way.
i told him when i work and that i didn't know about the souvenir.
and he said Where The Fuck Is My Souvenir

he did buy me a drink from Halo before i flew across the pond, though.
my goal is to finish Che Guevara's biography. it's sitting on the bottom shelf, of all shelves, and my book mark is still in there.

i don't like to finish books. over the years, i've read only half of half the books i've read. i like that.
i've read only half of half the books i've read.

i want a yogurt. but i won't

i'm no longer in Mazzy Star mode. i am in silence mode.
i'm tired of shuffle
i'm tired of lonely
i'm tired of computer
i'm tired

brainstorming names for my car...

its difficult. i had no clue, now i have many clues
and they all sound so good. i'll just write them down and then see which one the car makes me feel like.

=D

i told myself i'd pick the first name i thought of, but i have decided to actually spend time on this.
don't laugh

im so used to being around people

that now im by myself in this room
with no one but the cold air around my feet
and i feel anxious when i turn the television on
to Big Brother. and i have no idea what's going on. and i feel disconnected from every television show on.
i could sit outside but then i'll think about him, and i think i need to keep myself busy with other things.
it's too dark for a bike ride in the middle of nowhere.
i could draw
or write some more
or fall asleep with my scarf keeping me warm
i could strike a conversation with Penelope and hope she hears every word i say amplified through the water, and Heather could hear too.
and the real Heather leaves in a few days and i still can't believe it. i don't think she'll be gone, but

she will be gone. and i won't react until i need her again. i respond in times of need
i want to be held
i'm used to feeling your fingertips on my back and your lips on my jaw line
i feel nauseous most of the time
and i haven't been eating properly
and my thumbnail is longer than the other and it bothers me but i keep forgetting to cut it
i need to shower tomorrow. or bathe. probably bathe.
i need to finish Clockwork Orange, but i don't know if i can handle it by myself. where's waldo
i want to play pogs with someone
i'm resisting the new Green Eggs and Ham notebook Heather bought me. blank paper is so tempting. i want to mark it up and dirty it
i'm wearing my retainers for the first time in 2 months and it hurts and it feels good because i know something good is happening. but the pain stops eventually and i bite down hard on my retainers to create some friction. or some sort of assurance that something good is happening.

school is scaring me.
but i have a car. i will be able to drive it. and that means i can see you whenever you or i want. minus 9-5 monday to friday. i can even drive as designated.


hello

oh blog, you have become a ball and chain, it seems.
this is the best summer thus far in my life.
accepted to design
a 2004 Saab in my possession
an imperfectly perfect man in my arms
high school forever over

i can get on with things, finally.

maybe you are not a ball and chain. you are there when i need you.

I was at the Tate Museum today in London and i was just walking around and i stood at this one painting by a Cuban artist named Wilfred Lam and all of a sudden, like in the movies, this tall thin man with a large nose walks up to me and asks,
"so what do you think about this one?" just like in the movies.
i was so caught off guard that i said " it's pretty cool i guess."

and then i was embarrassed and i could feel my face turning red because, what a teenaged unintelligent thing to say!!
so i continued on, commenting on the contrast and how i liked the way it wasn't as cluttered as some of the other paintings.. and how i liked the fuzziness of the lines, that they weren't so distinct..
and he just nodded his head and agreed and told me his opinion as well...
"so where are you from?" i asked. "Belgium." "oh really? that's sweet."
"where are you from?" "Canada."
"oh thats quite far away." he said.
"Yup. I leave tomorrow."
"Oh so you're just visiting as many museums as you can then?" he asked.
"Yeah pretty much..
i actually went to Shakespeare's The Globe earlier today."
"Oh that's nice."

and that's all. it was a pretty peak moment i have to say.

i must leave with something profound, in case the plane crashes and i die
or i end up floating on an armchair in the middle of the ocean for a prolonged period of time,
or i get on the wrong plane and end up in Fiji
or my lacking swimming skills leave me to sink to the bottom of the ocean,

i at least need something profound in here that people can read and say "she was outstanding."

leaving was an ideal thought, and now the ball and chain attached to my ankle which reads "HOME" is weighing me down, making it impossible for me to leave.
there are many things i will miss
and after saying that, i feel like a baby because i will be gone for 5 weeks.
i will miss Baby and Boots, and Breanne's re-assuring words. i will miss people at work, people i love to kiss, and people i go out with.

we're all under the same moon, stars and sun anyways, and i guess that's all that matters.

see
you
later.

when i am old and grey
and my generation starts to lose their memories,
i am certain that what i've been doing up until now will make it impossible for me to forget anything
when i reach that age.
i write everything down, document everything..
every concert, play or movie i see i write who i went with on the back of the ticket stub
every movie i see i write it down and rate it out of 5
i write down every important thought, text or quote
i still have all his notes.. the bracelet he fixed with his guitar string.. the duct tape wallet he made me.. our animal crackers.

i need a vault to hold all the baggage i carry around with me.

despite the heat and anger, i have to mention that i successfully snuck out of my house last night, for the second time in my life.

in the country we sat on the hood of his car and watched the stars.. and even saw a shooting star. we talked, held hands and kissed and i couldn't have asked for a more perfect night.

oh it's so bloody hot out.

it makes me more lazy than usual. i tried watching Fear and Loathing for the second time today and fell asleep 3 quarters in. i can't seem to finish that movie. i'm not sure what it is.

i feel constantly tired and i don't want to do anything. i still have to pull my suitcase out and begin to pack. i have so much to do but i feel like i'll be packing an hour before i have to leave. it's horrible. i'm horrible. i am feeling very reluctant to do anything. like i could lay and swing on our new swing bench thing all day long. i think i may lay out there tonight for a few hours.
my mom is way stressed out because the only things that come out of her mouth are complaints about me. everything i seem to be doing is wrong and i'm a slob and i haven't gone to the gym in 2 months. i'm seriously contemplating hiding in a ditch when it's time to leave tomorrow.

one thing that pisses me off the most about my mother is her melodramatic attitude, like how she talks about her unsatisfying life and how no one gives a shit about her.. or like the time we went out for dinner for my 18th birthday and it was straight from a movie, the way she refused to speak because no one cares about what she has to say and how she made the whole dinner awkward because it was obvious to everyone the way she was holding back tears. i can't stand when she cries. another thing, is how she talks about how a good girl i was when i was young, and how my parents knew i'd be such a success, and how i was so energetic. whenever she talks like that, i am completely lost as to what childhood she is talking about because as far as i know, i have been a spoiled brat with no compassion for everyone ever since i could open my mouth and speak. so i end up sitting there with my jaw open, trying to recall this time where i was such an "angel". ughfuidgbifubguiergbihge

i will go insane.
i am to the point where whenever she criticizes me, i can't help but laugh. i just find it hilarious now, and i don't even know why. i am more than 100% sure that my lack of confidence in anything, whether it's driving or even socially interacting with people, is the result of the way my mother treats me.

it's a sad realization and Breanne has pointed it out more than once that my mom has an unbelievable amount of control over my life. it is because of her that i turn down social outings and events and i've become such a homebody/hermit. it is her who i think of first when someone asks me to hang out, or to go somewhere, or to do something, because i know that i'm scared to death to ask my mom permission to do anything. i remember two years ago i went out a few nights in a row during spring break to movies, or restaurants or friends, and she picked me up one day and called me a night slut.

fuck i didn't even expect to write this much about it and now i feel like chucking this laptop against the wall in frustration, anger and resentment to the way the most important years of my life have been affected by my mother. it's something that's irreversible and that bothers me

so much.

i'd say 50/50

shopping with my mother is always unnerving. i can't understand, a lot of the time, the brains behind Sears and The Bay.
i needed to look for sandals. and my mom kept pointing out those ones and these ones and the ones over there until i told her that everything in that place was tacky and that i wanted Jesus sandals. she asked me what those were, and i just said "sandals that Jesus would wear."

another thing that i don't like about my mom, is how condescending she can be. she's the epitome of a customer that would ruin my entire day. and i hate being associated with her when she's like that. she gives people a hard time if their service is lacking and i'm usually a little more lenient when it comes to that so i end up being nice to the people and she's the one being bitchy to them and i feel like such a TOOL.

last night was good. me, Breanne, Emily, and Olivia (basically the regulars) went to Halo only to find that half our grade was there also. i felt lame.
but we technically started the party, since it takes so long to pick up at Halo, and we just wanted to dance.
we then drove to Conor's where we put to use his new hookah with 3 pipes. and then we left.
and then we honked.
and then i let spontaneity rule my actions.

which i was really glad for, but perhaps i'm expecting too much...

i want to read now.

Kenny Wormald is my favorite. check it out at 0:24.. my favorite part.

downloaded Hot Chip, Coldplay, M.I.A., N.E.R.D., Santogold, and Jack Johnson albums. i am in the process of downloading The Veronica's.

i will need as much dance-y music as i can get for the next few months of hectic-osity.

this is my 1030th post.

i was engineered by GOD

oh hello.

i'm somewhat distraught. oh man i'm getting anxious. anxious like i do in airports. like i do when i need to go somewhere and half-wanna and half-don't-wanna.

do the classifieds sell mind-sets? because i need to set my mind differently.
i don't mind which or what or who or where, i'll skip the A's 'cause i don't want anxious.
when i don't have anything i wish i had some, and when i have some i wish i had none. it's difficult to pick and choose with options galore which i find in the two. i like the one i last talked too. and perhaps i'll leave and come back with a third.
the similarities are similar and the differences different, all the same in comparison to the last.
i hope i won't let this time go by fast.
for once i need to abandon intensity and just live
and find and breathe and walk
and lay and sing and talk
and dance.

i'll write until my hand falls off
dance until my top moves up
photograph until my eyes hang down
kiss until i can't kiss no more
the trees, the humidity, the apples in the orchards
i'll carve the rocks in the mountains like i always do,
dip my toes in the lake like i never don't.

it's such a dragged out time. i know i'll get ansy and anxious
hearing people talk in the town below
knowing i'm up in my room with the dim lights and only my journal to comfort me. it happens all the time. i'll go out and come in hours of fun later, and want the morning to come fast so i don't have to realize how really all alone i am in this place that i seem to love coming back to. i'll bury my head in books and watch FRIENDS on my iPod for comfort.. pretend i am back in my bed trying my hardest to sleep. but can't. and won't. and shouldn't. because there's so much more i can do with my time. i'll sit on the balcony and watch the moon that isn't visible to any of the contacts on my cell phone. i'll sleep on the balcony where Nonna hangs my clothes to dry. i'll be 8 hours ahead of everyone else for only 5 weeks. for a long time 5 weeks. see time, see sounds, see it all in the pictures i will take.

sometimes i lay awake in bed, my bed, and hear the neighbours dog. close my eyes and place myself in Italy, when the dog barks at night. i really put myself there, so when i open them again, i see the furniture that isn't really there, the window and curtains that aren't there either.

it's always a hard time, for me, i find. to leave. i want to so badly. God knows how foolish i am to think 5 weeks is such a long time, but everyone knows how right i am to think 8 hours is such a long distance.


i hope someone reads this

SOS

i updated the twilight zone album

i am sitting here while my brother talks to Heather on the phone right next to me. arguments are probably more stressful to listen to than to be a part of, i've concluded.

when watching Fawlty Towers, sometimes i get absolutely frustrated because a lot of the comedy comes from misunderstandings, and to see it right in front of my eyes and not being able to do anything about it gets frustrating. and it results in me turning off the show. although i love it dearly, and i love John Cleese dearly as well.

well they made up and now I have to unwillingly listen to a band who i think is awful.

yay

why? to the Sufjan Stevens on my iPod, to whom I don't even listen.

i'm so bored.
i had a point to this, i swear. but i feel like it's better if i don't address it,

hmmm, i wish i had 80 GB on my pod. i want to dance right now.
i'm gonna go sing loudly now

so I just got back from my second 1st date with Timothy David Van Vliet aka Moccassin Boy aka Heath Ledger aka Dave from Halo, and it was a blast.

it's weird because on March 24th, I had a first date with Dave. I ran into him this weekend at Vinyl, and today we went on a second date that should have happened 3 months ago. so i called it our second first date. he picked me up from Breanne's at 6:15 and we got to the Telus World of Science around 7:15 because we got lost, which i thought was pretty cute. anyways, it was really interesting and i couldn't have asked for a better date.

when he dropped me off at home, we hugged, and as i was about to open the door i said "you didn't even kiss me." and he said "i wasn't sure if you were scared your parents were watching." and as i looked out the window to see if my parents were there, he said "who cares" and he grabbed my head and kissed me! it was definitely sexy. and i noticed that he kisses my forehead right before we part ways. at the club, we kissed and before he left he kissed me on the forehead and he did the same tonight. of course, he then messed up my hair as usual, and he drove away.

i'm half-glad and half-bummed that i'll have 5 weeks ahead of me to seclude myself from this place and just weigh out my options and think..

May 5, 2008

I wouldn't say it's how you take a picture, it's what you take it of. Just looking at Ali Bosworth's photos makes me realize why I can't come up with something absolutely stunning. my surroundings are always the same. i take a million pictures in my mind every day, but i am without a camera. his pictures are just everyday things, but it's how he lives his life that make the photos so awesome. the red head in the backyard wouldn't be so pretty without the beat up garage in the background with peeling paint and vines taking it over. perhaps this building just happened to be there. my surroundings seem so uninteresting most of the time. i want to leave and do something awesome. being in st. albert the other night got my mind racing. it seemed so beautiful,
i wanted to be there in that park with those people, capturing their every expression and reading their every thought. i don't think i'll ever stay put. i get high from being in new places. London will be fabulous and all i need is my camera. i'll take 100 pictures a day. ones that capture that pure happiness thati'll feel from being anywhere but here. i love here, too. and that's what my mind can't grasp. i am such a homebody, yet i wish to be other places.

--- Boo it's April 30, 2008. I wonder where i will be 5 years April 30's from now. maybe even 10. will i even be alive. i will be, until i die. Coldplay has a way. how do they even come up with these masterpieces? how does one even start?
i hope one day i can paint pictures with my words and later take pictures of them.

"When I think of you,
I'm rolling on laughing floors.
The world was so clear."

---April 27

Today i realized my full dependence on music. my day started off really well. i was in a decent mood until noon when i was getting aggravated and irritated by everything at work. i wanted people to predict my path and steer way clear from it. once at home, i slept for not as long as i would have liked. Grumpy. in the car i listened to Coldplay, and i concentrated and all of a sudden my mood was.. restored. it's like vertain music is my reminder of my chosen lifestyle, bringing me back when i began wandering to negative places.

i like where this journal is going. i like where my life is going right now as i write this. it won't last forever, so if i ever read these particular lines again, i hope i remember this feeling. so long.

--- April 22
situational traffic. sometimes i am so happy with myself just because of what i've been able to do with my bedroom. it's not even a bedroom anymore. it's like four walls that hibernate scents and thoughts and memories. its my sole comfort, my balcony over-looking th universe.. my hammock in the sun.
..

---April 21
I can;t sleep. the day is for sleeping. the weather sucks. at night i want to live. i thrive on night time. when all is quiet... not seeing outside allows my own imagination to see what it wants. perhaps because it's night, i am not exposed to the vastness of nothing that surrounds me.

Cardigan. there are some words in this language that i absolutely love. i'm not sure what it is... maybe its the image of a bust London... grey, red, blue.. buttons so small but very significant. cardigan. all in the word cardigan. if i was wearing a cardigan i would feel that extra confidence that i lack.
...

i re-arranged my room again